Fantasy Football

That’s what you get, Linehan! That’s what you fuckin’ get! This is what happens when you fuck Marc Bulger in the ass! You think you come into this organization, and usurp me out of my rightful place as the starting quarterback for the worst team in the league? I’ve held it through the best of times, and no fucking schmuck whose barely older than me is going to take that away during the worst of times. You want my job to hand out to any injury prone asshole off the street, then you better get John L. Smith’s old ass in here to take it from me.

Jim Haslett knows the deal, and he respects the stripes. He knows how lucky he is to be coaching a team that was in the playoffs just four short seasons ago. You think everyone can say that? No, there are only roughly thirty other quarterbacks who can say that. And you think one of them is Trent Green? Pssh, I know he went in 2003, but that sure as shit isn’t 2004 and that clearly makes me the better option.

You see Linehan, one day, when you are playing with your kids, jobless in your backyard, it will dawn on you that no matter how undeserved and how poorly I may play, a quarterback who has even a modicum of success will always be a valued asset in the NFL. You will hear the pundits and the scouts cling desperately to a single season of good numbers and a run at the playoffs as evidence that I am worth the risk and I “still have something in the tank”.

Look at Jeff George, and he never really had all that much success, all he ever had was a “strong arm”. Whatever the fuck that means. You know who else has a strong arm? That chick from American Gladiators, she has a better chance of getting a contract from the Raiders than you ever have of getting another head coaching job in this league. Just be sure to learn this from your whole ordeal, Linehan: What Marc Bulger wants, Marc Bulger gets. I am the king of St. Louis. After Nelly…and Tony LaRussa…and Albert Pujols…and Jenna Fischer…and probably Torry Holt and Orlando Pace and whoever is on the Blues. But right after all of them, it’s me. And the crown fits juuuuust right.

Anyhow, best of luck in all your future endeavors Scott. When I’m racking up 180 yard passing games on 20-35 attempts for one touchdown and only two interceptions, you’ll know you made a mistake. And you will know my name is the lord, when I lay my vengeance upon thee!

We’re getting this post out later than we would like, but here are your five surprisingly worst performers from week four of the NFL fantasy season. We would like to tell say that these are aberrations specific to just this week and to not expect the same names to appear on this post for the next thirteen weeks, but the lie would be so vast that we might as well be dating you.

1) Everyone Involved with the Browns-Bengals Game
We could make a list ten deep just on this game alone, but this is a lot less time consuming. Yeah Braylon Edwards, you caught a touchdown? Congrats, man. But you still only totaled anywhere from 10-15 points in most fantasy leagues so fuck off with your minor increase in production. You know its a bad sign when a breakout game for you consists of 3 catches for 22 yards. Kellen Winslow, Chad Johnson, Houshmenzadeh, Derek Anderson? You are all just as much of a disappointment.

2) Reggie Bush
You seemed prime for a breakout season, but I suppose that is only if you have a loaded roster surrounding you, much like at USC. One positive thing that can be said about Mr. Bush, is that he makes a great decoy. Just look at the numbers put up by all those no name receivers. This every other game bullshit is growing tiresome. Speaking of which…

He's not exactly an academic, but some people are just better suited for college.

3) Maurice Jones-Drew
Are you ever going to be even remotely consistent? Why are you a high draft pick in any league? I am just speechless about the fluctuation that will apparently be your week-to-week career. I’d be better off with that midget from Oregon State on my fantasy roster than I would with Mr. Drew. At least I would know that he would let me down every week.

4) Jonathan Stewart
It isn’t entirely your fault because your asshole coaches insist on playing that oompa-lumpa they drafted a couple years back in the first fucking round, but could you actually step up your production on the touches you do get? 3.7ypc isn’t exactly taking the world by storm. Good lord, Chris Johnson is making every other rookie running back look like a mistake.

5) Andre Johnson
In short, your white counterpart damn near quintupled your point production. It must be rewarding to know that you almost single-handley cost your team their first win of the season against a division rival. Either you really hate Matt Schaub, want traded, or your just as overrated as the 2003 Fiesta Bowl led me to believe.

Back with something later today.

It was pleasant to be able to actually watch the NFL yesterday instead of hauling ass somewhere in the mountain or pacific time zones. A fantasy drubbing is so much more rewarding when you witness it first hand instead of getting constant updates via text message.

With that said, it wasn’t all gloom and doom for everyone. Here are your surprisingly good performances from week 4. We’ve explained the tenants of this list before, we’re not going to do it again.

1) Lance Moore
We mentioned his performance earlier, but seriously: Lance fucking Moore caught two touchdowns and went for over 100 yards receiving? If this is going to be a regular thing in the NFL, I might as well draft my fantasy team while going from the bottom up with my pre-draft rankings. Odds are, however, he probably wasn’t on any rosters. Methinks he will be now.

2) Laverneus Coles
Finally over his front office sullen love affair, Laverneus finally managed to come out of his grief stricken funk to light the fuck out of the scoreboard. Three touchdowns in addition to 105 yards receiving…a performance was a long time coming, but not to such an unfathomable extent. Chad Pennington is out treating Ted Ginn to dinner as we speak. Eat ‘dem grits, Laverneus.

3) Kevin Walter
It has been a resurgent year for white receivers and Kevin Walter is no exception. His productivity was supposed to subside but two touchdowns and over 75 yards receiving would suggest otherwise. It’s a good thing to, reports were that if Schaub underperformed again, Houston Texans fans were one week away from the Sage Rosenfels era.

He Will Lead The Texans to The Promise Land.

4) Jason Campbell
Not as much productivity from him as other surprise performers this week, but come the fuck on, we’re talking about Jason Campbell. He was grinding out close victories at Auburn, now he is torching the best team in the NFL for two touchdowns and a 66% completion rating? It’s like him and Jay Cutler switched vessels for the weekend.

5) Larry Johnson
We spend so much time hammering away on Larry Johnson and Stephen Jackson on this site, that we figured it appropriate to recognize it when they do something good. Of course, it might be counter-intuitive to consider it surprising when a top ten draft pick actually has a good game, but shit, it’s surprising whenever anyone goes for 200 yards rushing, much less gets two touchdowns in the process.

Honorable mention: Brett Favre, Matt Schaub, Edgerrin James, Muhsin Muhammad, Steve Slaton, Lee Evans.

Back with the surprisingly bad tomorrow.

We tuned into this week of NFL being pretty much fully prepared for anything, and given how our luck has been of late, the only thing that was going to surprise us is if our team actually pulled out a victory in fantasy.

And, needless to say, that didn’t happen. Never the less, essentially everything out of the ordinary happened but no one was phased by it. In contrast, if every week in the NBA you had backup players racking up monster games and winning weeks for people, it would damn near cause a full scale riot. But expressing such vitriol over the unexpected in the NFL is redundant, because everything and nothing can potentially happen.

This guy, unlike Lance Moore, could never be the determining factor in a fantasy week.

Take the New Orleans Saints for example. They are without their number one receiver (Marques Colston) and their star tight end (Shockey), and have three pass catching receivers to pick up off free agency in most fantasy leagues: Devery Henderson, Robert Meachem & Lance Moore. Now, Henderson usually sees more action with Shockey and Colston active than the other two options. So it makes perfectly logical sense to acquire him over Meachem and Moore. And what happens? Moore catches two touchdowns, Meachem collects one, and Henderson walks away from the game with one catch for 81 yards and somehow not a score.

I was watching the game with the guy who picked up Henderson and he was sulking about it, but this is his first year of fantasy football and he didn’t understand that this is the innate and explainable randomness of fantasy football. Random because there is so much capable talent in the NFL, that there are usually a myriad of options on any team alone that can effectively replace whoever is on your roster, and explainable because the abject goal of an NFL team is to win at whatever costs. Bitching about this is like complaining about the weatherman being inaccurate: Shit happens.

If you think about how the NFL is designed and what qualifies someone as a “star”, there are probably about fifteen guys are receiver who fit that mold, another fifteen at running back, maybe seven or eight quarterbacks and three or four tight ends. These are the guys you are guaranteed to get fifteen or more points out of every week (and our numbers are being generous). After that it is a total crap shoot. Devery Henderson, I am afraid to say, falls into that crap shoot.

Yet for whatever reason, me, you and a growing number of participants continue to throw permeable amounts of money into what is basically a roulette wheel that spins for four months. And I am quickly finding out this year, that if you put money on red and that ball is only touching black squares, it grows less and less enjoyable each week.

Back with surprise performances later today.

We are devoting more time to the television site this week since there was so much to catch up on. We’ll try to churn out a couple posts here today but it is looking unlikely. Here is what to expect from the NFL and fantasy during the first bye week of the season.

-Expect fewer games. And if you were an incompetent schmuck like myself, then you drafted two quarterbacks with the same bye week, meaning you had to drop an actual asset to acquire Brian Griese.

-Expect Roger Goodell to consider retiring upon watching the shitfest that will be the Browns-Bengals game. And if Brady Quinn plays, expect him to look respectable against one of the three worst defenses in the league (Detroit and St. Louis are probably worse) and for him to be acquired in about 90% of the fantasy leagues on Yahoo. Fantasy football players are so reactionary.

In Ohio, there is always an ongoing debate as to whose quarterback is more overrated.

-Expect Jay Cutler and Philip Rivers (your top two fantasy quarterbacks thus far) to combine for over 800 yards against Kansas City and Oakland.

-Expect the Houston-Jacksonville game to be an utter disappointment, much like both of their seasons.

-Expect St. Louis to make Trent Edwards look like John Elway, followed by Bills fans proclaiming their inevitable Superbowl victory.

-Expect New Orleans to lose to San Fransisco and for Frank Gore to continue his rebound season in superb form. Usually going into the draft, every running back that looks like a guarantee bust turns out to be just that. Willie Parker and Frank Gore are denying me this self-satisfaction and there will be hell to pay. Like scathing remarks on a website that no one reads. Yeah, take that not so overrated running backs.

-Expect Donovan McNabb to finally have his leg ripped from his body if Brian Westbrook doesn’t play.

-And finally, expect Joe Flacco to finally be brought back down to earth on Monday night against Pittsburgh. And by “back down to earth” I mean decapitated.

We almost feel obligated to post again this was so flaccid. Probably won’t be until much later though.

Ohmygodohmygodohmygod…I am seriously fucked, here. The question is, why now? After years and years of losing, why fire Matt Millen now? Does anyone know what this means? It means I am out on my ass once they get someone competent in there.

Three years I’ve been starting for the Detroit Lions. Three years! Without even so much as a worthy adversary for the job. Who the fuck am I, John Elway? Has this made sense to anyone other than Matt Millen, and maybe the Ford family because they are a gaggle of pussies? Of course not. But since it was happening to me, I was the direct beneficiary. Fuck this. I’m like the anti-Jeff Garcia. Over-appreciated and overplayed everywhere I go. I’ve got two of the ten best receivers in the game. Well, when Roy Williams is acting like a human being he’s one of the ten best.

It’s been a good run, right? I mean, we were 6-2 at one point last season. How many quarterbacks in the history of the NFL can ever say they were ever 6-2. Sure, we lost seven of our last eight to finish 7-9, but things were looking good there momentarily. I think at one point during the off season, we were even everyones dark horse to make the playoffs. That was patently absurd, but it still was.

Oh Christ, Millen. You’re a fucking twit but you were my twit. And my meal ticket. When am I ever going to find another GM as clueless as you to take me to the promise land. I’ve been lucky so far, playing for the pre-Holmgren Seahawks and the Bengals. I even had Bengals fans arguing to keep me the year after they brought in Carson Palmer. We went 8-8 his rookie season, which is like winning the Superbowl in Cinncy. I wasn’t a winner anywhere else but in Cincinnati and maybe Phoenix, but I wasn’t a loser anywhere else, either.

It has been a storied career. Maybe I can get one of those plum jobs that Gus Ferotte has, or even Kurt Warner. Warner is starting for a 3-0 team…Of course in his prime, he won two MVP’s and a Superbowl. But still, there are some really shitty teams with really shitty quarterbacks out there. I mean, at least I tend to throw for only slightly fewer touchdowns than I do interceptions. And I throw a shit ton of interceptions.

You know what would be a good destination for me in 2009 after they cut my lingering ass? Carolina. The Panthers always have quarterback issues, and the best they can do for backup is David Carr. That whiny little pussy always bitches about lack of protection from the O-line. Doesn’t he know how fortunate he is to even have a job? I’ll be Jake Delhomme’s backup. wait for the inevitable injury, have Steve Smith and Muhsin Muhammad make me look better than I really am, and voila! Guess who’s back quarterbacking a sub-.500 team?

Oh, who the fuck am I kidding Gus Ferotte could throw rings around me. I done. I am fucking done. Maybe I’ll just murder the new GM and thus deterring anyone else from taking the position. Eventually they’ll have to rehire Millen, who’ll be desperate enough to take the job, but I’ll have to rack up a sizable body count. Can I do this? I think I can. It’s just the Christian thing to do. There is no way some of these guys are getting the contracts they do if Millen isn’t there to offer them. I’m like Robin Hood, except instead of stealing from the rich and giving to the poor, I murder the psuedo-rich and give to the wouldn’t be rich otherwise.

I the end, they’ll anoint me their savior, because this city wouldn’t be able to handle a winning NFL team. Any city dubbed “Hockey Town” doesn’t deserve an NFL winner anyways. They also have the Pistons who are perenially pretending to be in contention for a title. And even the Tigers have started spending money. No, this town needs me. They need someone who provides a glimmer of optimism with no tangible hope. This is the Detroit Lions way. And I embody it.

I am QB1 for the Detroit football Lions. And I am here to stay.

We’re trying to fall back into a groove here, so please bear with us if it’s a slow process. Just like we are behind on this site, we are even more so at our day job. Please be patient.

Anyhow, here are your five surprisingly good performances. Not necessarily the five best (thought those can be included), but the five that exceeded expectations by the widest margins. Doing a top five performers seems kind of self-explanatory and a bit redundant. It’s complicated, I know.

1) Ronnie Brown
Obvious fucking choice. He could have ran for negative yards and maced a kid in the crowd, but if you run for five touchdowns, particularly in a week where even those with the most limited options, no one is going to start you against the Patriots. Thanks Ronnie, since I don’t have you, I couldn’t care less. But keep proving me right that you were always the better running back between you and Cadillac at Auburn.

Someone else had a good game, but not as good as Ronnie Brown's. Hmm, I wonder why.

2) Brandon Lloyd
Hanging six catches for 120 yards and a touchdown isn’t something we’ve seen from a Chicago receiver in a long time. Possibly ever. But he did just that against Tampa, a team that is rumored to have a solid defense. Brandon Lloyd: what a career he has had out of Illinois. First he under achieves in San Fransisco, then he under achieves with Washington, and then he puts up some good numbers with the Bears. Anyhow, it looks like the move to Kyle Orton is paying off.

3) Correll Buckhalter
Of course it took a near catastrophic Westbrook injury (If I wasn’t an Eagles fan, I’d be rooting for him to finally miss a season that everyone keeps telling me he is bound to miss since I actually don’t have him on my team this year) for him to put up numbers. But God bless him, we didn’t think Correll Buckhalter was capable of any production, regardless of where he is in the pecking order. For the past five years I’ve been under the impression that Buckhalter was the only running back in the league that couldn’t get 1,000 yards with the Broncos, now I may have to reevaluate things.

4) Rudi Johnson
Fuck. This. Bullshit. You’re defying conventional wisdom for aging receivers, Rudi. And I do not like it one bit. What? Did the Niners and Lions get together for an old-timers game so at least San Fransisco fans can feel like their team is remotely competitive again? Go back to Cinncy so we can watch you toil away in a suddenly predictable and stale offensive scheme.

5) Steve Slaton
We put this on here, not because we’re surprised he is putting up some stellar numbers in his rookie season (if you saw him run at West Virginia then you shouldn’t be remotely surprised by this, I felt the same way about Marion Barber when Julius Jones was injured about four seasons ago), but to remind everyone that he exists. If whoever is/was in front of him continues giving up carries, go out of your way to pick him up.

Other contenders for this that we didn’t add because of our earlier post about quarterbacks: Kyle Orton, Brian Griese, Philip Rivers.

Other contenders we didn’t add because their performances are becoming less and less surprising: Michael Turner, Matt Forte, Brandon Marshall.

Back tomorrow with a list of some sort.

So, as shitty as our fantasy teams appear to be for the remainder of the season, it appears we were right about Marc Bulger (In fact we were right on with just about everyone on that list). And I don’t know if you noticed or not, but there is an epidemic of quarterbacks being used as the scapegoat for everything wrong with a team, and the epidemic was probably a long time in the making. The coach is usually the first to unreasonably get the ax so it was only a matter of time before the most important position on the field saw some of that unfair scrutiny effect his status on the team.

Right now if we look at top ten draft picks from the first ten years, very few of the quarterbacks taken have panned out to be even starters, much less in pro bowl contention. Currently, and this is just off the top of my head: Matt Leinart, Vince Young, Byron Leftwich, Alex Smith and even JaMarcus Russell (whom we’re already convinced is a bust) were all supposed to be leading their teams to the playoffs, and every single one of them is either playing on a bottom feeder or is currently a backup.

I think there are parallels here between how quarterbacks have panned out over the years and the futility of taking a quarterback too soon in your draft. I, of course, advised taking Tom Brady with the first overall (still stand by it because his numbers were so exceptional the year before). I guess the question is, how are we supposed to have any faith in a quarterback for fantasy purposes if every NFL team is so uncertain in who is going to help them produce wins? They tend to have a lot more on the line than you and I.

It's good to know that my team can go winless every year from here on out and I won't have an entire American city cursing my very existence.

I imagine in most fantasy drafts, Brady and Manning went one and two, and Drew Brees along with Tony Romo went three and four. Obviously the latter two are having better seasons than the former, so why is the common consensus in fantasy football so regularly incorrect? My argument would be that it is all subjective and no one (including us) really has an inkling as to what he is talking about, but really it might play to your advantage in situations like this to go against the tide.

There is no rhyme or reason why Romo seems to have improved on this season or Jay Cutler or even David Gerrard and Derek Anderson have gotten so much worse. But there were mounting reports about the reliability of Brady and Manning’s health, now Brady is done for the season and Manning limps around in the backfield like the gimp from Pulp Fiction. But unlike running backs (whose season output generally seems foretold) and to a lesser extent receivers, quarterbacks often go well above and below their seasonal expectations. This is all dependent on your league structure and whatnot, but if you are confident enough in your starters at other positions and have six bench spots, you can use at least two of them on additional quarterbacks.

Right now in our league, a guy drafted Eli Manning in the seventh, Kurt Warner in the tenth and Aaron Rodgers in the fourteenth. It may have seemed ridiculous at the time, but his team hasn’t been effected negatively by it in any way and now he has trade bait for two teams desperate for an upgrade, despite how tenuous the performances of his quarterbacks are. This is in direct contrast with me: I went for Peyton Manning in round 1 and despite having the last pick in the first round, I clearly should have gone with another wide out or even a running back (despite my past declarations to the contrary). Because while having the type of season Manning is having has been adequate to date, he is now an injury risk and his numbers pale in comparison to those of Tony Romo, Drew Brees and even Aaron Rodgers.

If I had taken, say Terrell Owens with that pick, gone with Eli Manning or Donovan McNabb in later rounds (something I was toying with), my team would look a lot more impressive, especially now that Marques Colston is out for the near future and probably won’t return to his pro bowl form (though Jeremy Shockey being out helps emphasize the need for his speedy recovery).

Obviously this isn’t gospel, if you think drafting a quarterback in lieu of a reliable running back is your best option, then by all means. But if one of those annual top four or five is unavailable to you, and you were bitten by the Tom Brady bug this year thus souring you to the concept of drafting a quarterback as well, don’t take someone like Larry Johnson or Stephen Jackson who we all know will put up paltry numbers just because every draft board says you should. Go with the receiver, because a top ten receiver is always reliable, so long as it isn’t Braylon Edwards, who was my second round pick.

Fuck you Browns, fuck you proper with a chainsaw.

Finally back in Columbus, trying to recover from the experience that is spending 2,200 miles in a Greyhound. Trust me, it is no easy feat. Anyhow, since all of our fantasy teams gargle balls and we didn’t follow any of it this weekend while we were across the country for football (albeit college), we thought we’d go a little off the cuff and recap some thoughts from the trip.

First off, if you are looking for current fantasy advice, we really don’t have any. We were driving all day the past two Sundays and the only game we made a point to watch was the Monday nighter between the Cowboys and Eagles. We’ll try to get caught up this week with some recent developments. Namely several teams with sudden quarterback issues.

In regards to our trip however, we will say that after watching USC pummel the Christ out of OSU, and Georgia do the same to Arizona State, we advise that in your next keeper draft you should draft Chris Wells (his absence was more palpable than his presence could have ever been), Terrell Pryor (he’s not Vince Young), Joe McKnight, Patrick Turner, Knowshon Moreno and AJ Green.

I don’t give a shit how premature it may seem. Don’t ask questions, don’t even bother looking any of these players up if you do not watch college football, just do what we say and for once you won’t regret it.

-Also on the football end of things, hitting 7 of 8 games in a $12 eight team parlay is about the worst thing that can happen to someone while in Vegas. You have to be incredibly lucky to hit 7 of 8, and knowing that not only did you do just that, but you needlessly tacked on an eighth game and that cost you any payout (much less a $2,200 one), well, lets just say that the only game I won at was Hold ‘em.

-Speaking of Vegas, the place is overran with Europeans these days taking advantage of the weak dollar. I for one welcome our brethren from across the pond, but it seemed like any time I brought this up they managed to take offense on some level or another like they thought I was angry with the situation; when actually I thought I was paying them a compliment. Some bridges just can’t be mended, I guess.

-On the flip side, I’m pretty sure every American woman I talked to in that city was a call girl of some sort. Maybe I was going to the wrong places or something, I don’t know, but this seems to be the effect of a relatively weak currency, the place toting said currency is flooded with foreign tourists and a healthy percentage of the native women start working the corner. Basically, Las Vegas is now Brazil.

-In short, I think NFL quarterbacks should be the happiest people on the face of the Earth that their isn’t a team in Vegas. You already need all your faculties (understatement) to play that position to the point that only about four or five quarterbacks are reliable on a weekly basis. Can you imagine Eli Manning having the game he had yesterday if he was coming off an all night blackjack bender at the Palms? Or worse yet, Matt Leinart? I suppose we are getting ahead of ourselves, before you can tank a game you have to be invited to play in it.

-Speaking of Trojans, as an OSU fan we couldn’t have been happier to be cooped up in Venice Beach after the drubbing that our Buckeyes took. Why is that you ask? Mainly because football doesn’t exist in Venice. Basketball does, football doesn’t. Generally when you go to a city for a nationally televised football game, like, say, OSU vs. USC, and people ask you where you are from and you reply “Ohio” and they retort, “Oh, what’re you here for?” and you say “the game”, it is usually implied that you are talking about the aforementioned match-up. But in Venice you get a “Oh, the UCLA game?” response, and nothing warms your heart more after watching your team get trounced and publicly humiliated (yet again) on national television.

Yes, basketball is alive and well on Venice Beach, there were even some drunk fucking brats from the midwest playing at 3am. Or so I heard.

-And finally, as great as the ASU coeds are, they really have nothing on the food served in the stadium. Oh dear lord. We don’t know if it was the fact that we hadn’t eaten in the past day (literally), or the sun was particularly draining (we were frightened to drink alcohol) or if the food was really all that we are making it. Forget the coeds, I want to roll around naked in a bed with about four dozen of their chicken wings, Indecent Proposal style. Wait, what?

Anyhow, we’ll get back to normalcy later this week. Our neighbors can still hear our screams that linger from the Greyhound ride.

Still in Arizona, still not posting on a daily basis. We haven’t even thought about week 3 yet but looking at the match ups, here is what to expect to see. We’ll be back Tuesday night to continue our regular gig that we are so gloriously neglecting at the moment.

-After Carson Palmer is sacked for the tenth time in twenty minutes by the Giants, expect Carson Palmer to take a swing at Chad Johnson, head butt Marvin Lewis, curse football fans in Ohio and be escorted off the premises in a straight jacket.

-Expect Braylon Edwards to drop another three receptions in the first quarter and for the announcers to act like it is some sort of anomaly, despite the fact he did the same things in weeks 1 and 2. Also, expect the Browns to finally get a W.

-Expect Philly’s defense to rack up roughly 17 interceptions against the Steelers, but still manage to give up 250 yards on the ground and lose.

-If you plan on watching the Chiefs-Falcons game, expect to fall asleep halfway through the second quarter, only to wake up and realize that Larry Johnson was still a bad draft pick.

-Expect The Chargers to have a cardboard cutout of Ed Hochuli in their locker room like the Indians did in Major League with their wynch of an owner. Only instead of removing articles of his clothing they pretend to teabag it after every win (we’d also like to add that the obsession and insanity over all of this is so incredibly simple and pathetic, there are so many things wrong with this result that go beyond one bad call. What’s really ironic is the same people who thing Ed Hochuli should die and burn in hell are the same people who probably complain about games being too long, thus the reason for why they couldn’t review the play. Relax Chargers fans, things seem grim now but you’re still a lock for at least a wild card).

-Expect another fantasy extravaganza in the Dallas-Green Bay game similar to Dallas’ Monday night win against Philadelphia.

-Expect Steve Smith to eat into Muhsin Muhammad’s production. And for both of them to look shaky upon Smith’s return to the lineup.

-Expect Tony Kornheiser to shit himself on air with the “return” of Brett Favre to Monday night, despite the fact that all Favre did was not play during the off-season.

-And finally, expect St. Louis to stake their claim as the unparalleled worst team in the NFL.

It’s weak, but we’ll try to make up for it on Tuesday night with something a little more elaborate.

We’re just posting today to tell you we won’t be posting for awhile, we are taking a much needed vacation out west. Yes, its been a grueling three weeks and we need some time away. We won’t be able to write anything until at least Monday after we look at box scores and what have you, and I wouldn’t expect anything until at least Tuesday or Wednesday.

There is plenty going on between fantasy owners now having to rearrange their roster as the result of a natural disaster (the least of anyone’s concerns, to be sure); Romo, while definitely being a good samaratin, is way too soft to ever win a Superbowl; Tomlinson is now preparing to pull a Beanie Wells on Chargers fans; Ricky Williams has seen Jerry Maguire one too many times and Terrell Owens draws more attention to himself, of which we are wittingly enabling. Fuck.

But alas, we’ll have to leave you to your own resources this weekend. Best of luck and to all of you Peyton Manning owners we offer our advance condolences. Trust us, we know how you feel.

So here’s the thing, writing a fantasy football site can apparently get a little repetitive. We are either doing half-ass analysis and number crunching, or writing psuedo-funny posts that probably aren’t nearly as funny as we think they are. But with the former our analysis is only so valuable, and with the latter it is basically the same thing every time but from a different perspective.

So we’re going to begin doing weekly projections on who we think will produce and who won’t. The assessment will be based on what the player has done so far this year and what they are expected to do for the season. So, if someone had a terrible week one, we might foresee them bouncing back with a strong week two and thus they will be on this list. Or if there is someone we expect a drop-off from (cough *Michael Turner* Cough) that is fair game as well. We’ll try to steer away from such posts as “expect Peyton Manning to have a big week against Miami!”, and try to keep it more along the lines of “Tavaris Jackson has the game of his career against Detroit!”

1) LenDale White
He put up exactly ten points in most fantasy leagues last week against one of the better front seven’s in the league in Jacksonville. This week he goes up against a defense that is almost as highly touted in Cincinnati. Look for him to break through with relative ease and get a plethora of goal line carries. Vince Young’s absence may even help open up the passing game.

You want LenDale White to have a big game? Putting some of these in the endzone is the solution.

2) Adrian Peterson
He had a solid week and was the only contributing factor on offense for Minnesota against a great defense in Green Bay. This week the Vikings take on the Colts who looked fucking terrible defending the run against the Bears at home. Look for him to remind everyone why he was the most tempting first overall pick.

3) Eli Manning
In short: He is playing the Rams. Against the Giants a week ago he looked shaky, through some errant passes that he was lucky they weren’t intercepted and got out of there with a win and a rushing touchdown. While the Redskins aren’t exactly taking the league by storm this season, they do have one of the better secondaries in the league. The Rams, however, gave up 38 points to an Eagles team whose best receiver is a six foot tall rookie who was only drafted so high because he may be effective on special teams. Speaking of which…

4) Donovan McNabb
While they looked good against St. Louis last week and McNabb in particular looked like he never suffered ten knee injuries in the past five years…they were playing St Louis. While all the pundits seem to randomly have Philly poised for a big season, and that very well may happen, do not expect production like that for every opponent they play. This week’s game? The Monday nighter in Dallas. They are still sporting Roy Williams in the backfield so a 25+ point game is possible, just don’t put too much stock in him getting a comeback win for you.

5) Jay Cutler
We claimed before the season started that Cutler would break out this year. And he will, but that Oakland team is such a clusterfuck of terribleness that Denver could have dropped 100 points on them if they had wanted to. This week they play San Diego, a top ten defense with or without Shawne Merriman, but most importantly they are just competent.

Honorable mention (one way or the other): Michael Turner (too obvious), Sammy Morris (ditto), Marshawn Lynch, Laverneus Coles, Earnest Graham, Braylon Edwards

Fuck you, Marques Colston. I didn’t even want you on my fantasy team in the first place, but taking you with the last pick in the fifth round was just too alluring to ignore. How do you respond to this act of charity so your name isn’t lingering around on the draft board like Brady Quinn in 2006? Well, not only do you fuck me with a four point performance for opening week, you neglect to give the proverbial reach around by going to injured reserve for a third of the season.

For six weeks I have to find a replacement for you. Christ, why can’t you just call it quits for the year so I can drop your dead weight off my roster? Everyone knows that the Saints are winning with or without you and you’ll be a shell of your former self when you return. You are the most expendable “stud” receiver in the history of the NFL. Yet you have managed to put up suitable numbers in each of your two years in the league, so we bit. 50th overall and virtually every fantasy board has you ranked higher, in addition to every remaining receiver having issues be it on or off the field. We take a risk against our better judgment.

Oooh, nice job on torching the Lions. You're now in Michael Turner territory.

And you fuck us tremendously. We knew the ball would be spread around too much in New Orleans this year with the acquisition of Jeremy Shockey. David Patten and DeVry Henderson are both serviceable options, not to mention the ascendance of Robert Meachem and Lance Moore. Plus the running backs, namely Reggie Bush who is essentially a receiver as well. Way to prove us right, “stud”.

This isn’t over Colston, and if you don’t surprise us by returning to form immediately after your rehabilitation, that tweaked finger you sporadically had surgery on this week without telling anyone for some inexplicable reason will feel like an ocean breeze, got it? We’re going to be particularly vengeful when The Vikings disembowel Peyton Manning this Sunday.

Fuck head.

A few random thoughts because we can’t think of anything else to write about. This is what happens when you inadequately prepare for an 11 day trip out of town.

-So, did anyone actually think Shawne Merriman was going to finish out the season? The guy had a torn ACL. Doctors were saying that he could either move vertically but not laterally or the other way around. Either way, decreased mobility for a linebacker is kind of a big deal. Just the fact that he played the one game basically makes him like the knight from Monty Python.

Good luck with the rehabilitation.

-Eddie Kennison is back in the league. He signed with the Rams to replace Drew Bennett. It seems the football Gods are being unkind to the white receiver this year. First Kevin Curtis goes down, Wes Welker loses the best quarterback in the league, Brandom Stokely is being outshined by a rookie, Manning looked shaky a couple nights ago throwing to Anthony Gonzalez, and now this. Oh well, I’m just glad that St. Louis found another aging receiver passed his prime to replace Isaac Bruce.

-Speaking of which, my friend who came into town and I spent the entire week mocking the guy who picked Eddie Royal in our draft. And for a number of reasons. One, no one knew which NFL team he was on. Two, the guy who drafted him didn’t know which college he went to despite him being a rookie. Three, there were several other serviceable second tier receivers available when he took him. And four, the only reason either of us knew he played at Virginia Tech was due to the fact he played special teams. And still, he is rewarded with one of the best performances of the week, and with Cutler looking like the second coming, he potentially has a stud receiver for the rest of the season. Fantasy football: it does not reward the just.

We’ll try to atone for this later. Our apologies.

This, along with yesterday’s post of weekly top performers, will be an ongoing segment throughout the season. We don’t need to qualify this list as disappointments, because obviously there are plenty of noteworthy names who fuck you sideways every single week of the season. Take, for instance, my entire roster. We’ll try to not take five names off of it and broaden our scope to encompass the entire league, but there will be a couple here and there. Especially today.

Note: This list bars those who underperformed due to injury. Because adding Tom Brady to this list of chumps seems unfair and, frankly, idiotic. None of these guys have an excuse.

1) Braylon Edwards
Others predicted a significant drop off from last season for Edwards, and we should have known better than to draft a player from Ann Arbor on the Browns roster, as we dislike both organizations with every fiber of our being. Hopefully this isn’t indicative of a larger problem, and his dropping four balls in the first half (including one for a likely 50 yard plus touchdown) is an aberration due to a limited number of preseason snaps, but god damn we are worried about what this might mean for the next 15 active weeks.
Week 1 stats: 2 receptions, 14 yards.

2) Marques Colston
When two of your teammates often considered second and third options outperform you considerably, there will be some backlash. They, unlike the Browns with Edwards, actually won the game which is even more discomforting if you have Colston on your roster. At least the Browns know that to be competitive, Edwards has to be a contributive part of the offense, the Saints obviously don’t need Colston for anything more than a distraction.
Week 1 stats: 3 receptions, 26 yards.

3) Steven Jackson
Kind of predicted something like this might happen, and even though 40% of the guys on this list are on our team, we at least were right about the Rams. Man, that mild validation is so, so sweet. Jackson’s numbers aren’t as paltry as everyone else’s getting top honors here, but since he was a top six or seven pick in just about every league, and was playing a traditionally soft run defense, he deserves proper recognition.
Week 1 stats: 40 rushing yards, 3 receptions for 30 yards

4) Torry Holt
We had an inclination about this one as well, so Holt has the privilege of ranking below the three aforementioned names. But his numbers were considerably worse against an arguably worse defense. Buckle in St. Louis, and all fantasy owners of their players, it is going to be a long, long season.
Week 1 stats: 1 reception, 6 yards.

5) Chad Johnson
This was kind of on our radar, and we’ve said multiple times that his numbers have dipped considerably since Palmer’s knee injury because Johnson lines up to his left, which Carson doesn’t like to throw to anymore. Factor in that with all the hysteria in the preseason about his contract, in addition to the needless distraction that was his asinine name change, and a fantasy week under five points is the result.
Week 1 stats: 1 catch, 22 yards.

Hopefully back with a buy and sell post later.