Fantasy Football

After this week every team will be officially halfway done with their season. And if you are under the impression that it hasn’t flown by, then you clearly do not watch enough NFL commentary, and good for you. There probably isn’t a thing on this planet that a faction of people take too seriously like NFL pundits’ regard for professional football. You would think they were debating the merits of the two party political system with the vitriol, frankness and doomsday seriousness with which they discuss the Rams defense. It’s the Rams defense, gentlemen. It has never been better than serviceable. You are allowed to treat it like the joke its perennially been.

Never the less, should the topic be broached it is turns into heated debates that obviously last through commercial breaks and guys leaning across the desk and using dramatic hand gestures to emphasize a point. Basically, everything that everyone attempts to convey turns into a stump speech. And to be perfectly honest, this would all be well and good but a healthy amount of them are idiots. Either ex-jocks who got the position solely because they are ex-jocks, or self-important analysts who more so than anything look like they are still pining to sit at the cool kids table. In more ways than one, it’s embarrassing.

With that said, we still love watching the games, particularly this season. Maybe because we have a viable future bet, our team is turning out a Bad News Bears like performance, with everything from the slow start to the rebound; or the team we root for is a Superbowl contender if they stay healthy (Eagles), but for whatever reason we are taking more to the NFL this year than to college. That is something we never thought we’d say. We might start going to church regularly just to avoid the Sunday morning regurgitated talking points.

If you thought a picture of an NFL cheerleader in a Halloween costume wasn't obligatory, you probably haven't been reading the site very long.

Onto the guesses…

1) Kurt Warner
He’s playing San Fran, who is just a mess at the moment to the point where the coach is the least reliable person on the payroll, and the rest of the offense isn’t that far behind. Additionally, this is the best Warner has looked since he went to the Superbowl with the Rams, and he has three great receivers to choose from that dwarf the trio he had in St. Louis at the time.

2) Kellen Winslow
You heard it hear first (as far as I know), but Winslow will have a monster game coming off his bullshit, unwarranted suspension. For starters, they are playing Denver, who sports one of the three worst defenses in the league (the other two being Cincinnati and Detroit, to give you an idea of how good their offense is). Secondly, Winslow strikes me as the type who performs well to spite his employers. Sort of a “You see what happens when you fuck Kellen Winslow in the ass?! We could have beaten Jacksonville by 40 if you didn’t suspend me!” approach to these circumstances. The anti-Randy Moss, if you will.

3) DeSean Jackson
He’s kind of tinkered off a bit since the beginning of the season, but going up against Seattle who’s banged up on both sides of the ball with a healthy Brian Westbrook…we fear for the Seahawk faithful. The only thing going against him is it’s on the road in probably the most deafening stadium in the league, and we’re concerned about what Seattle sports fans might be capable of should the Seahawks be ran out of their own building. Between that and the start of the NBA season (and Philly recently winning the world series), things could get out of hand real quickly. Pay that no mind, though. DeSean’s life won’t be in jeopardy until after the game.

4) Matt Forte
He’s playing the Lions. Start him in front of Adrian Peterson if it’s an option. At this point we’d start Rick Moranis if he were playing the Lions.

5) Joey Galloway
His second game back since being on IR for the six weeks prior to it. Last week they played the Cowboys, and yes, he looked rusty and underperformed against one of the worst secondaries this side of the Broncos without Champ Bailey. But he is approaching 40 years old, I remember him playing in the kickoff classic for Ohio State. This week, he gets the Chiefs, a fantasy owners wet dream opponent. Expect Galloway to catch at least one touchdown.

Might be it for today, we’ll see how work goes.

Sometimes when I make predictions, I occasionally go back to see just how inept/clairvoyant I am. It seems like I am shooting about 50%, with a margin of error of plus or minus 5%. It really depends on how you measure these things. For instance, I may have been right about Steve Breaston having a big week on Sunday, but I was incorrect about two other people on the same list. That would give me a 60% average for that particular post. However, you certainly do not quantify that the same as you would, say, predicting the NFL landscape for the entire season ahead. That might be weighted a little more heavily than a run of the mill top five we do here.

This is me on my good days, without the fake third nipple.

So remember when I railed for my first fucking week on this site about how expendable running backs are in the NFL, thus rendering them expendable in fantasy football? And that a top-tier receiver is actually more of an asset given the direction the league is heading in offensively? Yeah, well it turns out that is completely wrong. Not in the sense that the league is more pass oriented, but that it is so pass oriented everyone seems to be running three wide sets with a receiving tight end and a running back coming out of the backfield, so the ball is spread out to the point that even a Terrell Owens or Steve Smith or Greg Jennings is a week to week roll of the dice.

Now, there are obviously receivers having good seasons. Most of them surprisingly good: Roddy White, Santana Moss, Calvin Johnson, Brandon Marshall etc. But with the format we use to score my league, there are currently only 13 receivers that have gone over 100 points, compared to 18 running backs. And most of those games come in droves. Look at the receiving leader this year in fantasy: Santana Moss. He is leading the league in receiving, sure, but he has three games with under forty yards (no more than five catches in any of those), and was completely shut out with zero points in week five against the Eagles.

This isn’t to say that you won’t have letdown games from running backs either. But if you look at the current running back points leader Reggie Bush, the only game he failed to go over 20 points in was the one he didn’t play. And when a running back in the top twenty has a bad game, it usually means he is held to ten points in a horrendous loss or something. He isn’t completely shut out with nothing to show for it other than a couple dropped passes.

The bright side of this current dynamic is the plethora of available dark horse wide outs that will put up big games. Take my team for example. I lost my first four weeks, but have won my last four with big performances from Vincent Jackson, Donnie Avery and Muhsin Muhammad because they had those aberration weeks in which they got in the end zone, or capitalized on a team double teaming the lead wide out or loading up on the run. These three are making it look like I never drafted Braylon Edwards or Marques Colston in the 2nd and 4th rounds.

But on a week to week basis, who can account for that? I am starting Donnie Avery this week against the Cardinals. Now, I can’t rightfully bitch if he is completely shut out of the game. After all, he is Donnie Avery. No one off of Houston’s campus had any idea who the guy was a year ago. On the other hand, he has scored three touchdowns in the last two weeks on plays for 40 yards or more and I need a receiver with two receivers on bye weeks. How do I not put him in the starting roster?

Now part of my argument about running backs still stands: they are expendable because of frequent injury and unreliability. This season alone I’ve won weeks with Dominick Rhodes and Corell Buckhalter going for over 20 points. But the unreliability of receivers is different. They do not sustain injuries with the same frequency, but as explained above, their weeks are so inconsistent. How many weeks does Donnie Avery have to out score Torry Holt for this to be obvious?

If you are looking for a running back to compare all receivers to, then they are all basically LenDale White. White needs those goal line carries to make his week look respectable, just like every receiver needs those two or three freak plays to make their fantasy week worthwhile. It isn’t to the exact same extent, but that is the best comparison I can come up with. And any receiver can come out of nowhere to make every fantasy owner look like an asshole, because every quarterback in the league simply wants to move the ball downfield.

Basically, if you have a durable running back that isn’t giving up more than 30% of his team’s carries, that is probably your safest fantasy bet. But too many of them split carries 60-40 and too many receivers are used as decoys as often as they are actually thrown to. This makes the entire concept of applying strategy to fantasy football a fucking sham. And why we have preferred fantasy basketball for the past two years (despite finishing in the money in football).

In short, we’re all fucked. Your fucked. I’m fucked. Some guy’s girlfriend is going to end up winning your league because she drafted a dozen guys she thinks are bangable or some other cliched reason that you use to not give her any credit (whether she deserves any or not). If you are seeking out advice, I think your best option is to find about five different sources, then go with the median of what is advised and then throw caution to the wind. That’s probably the best advice you will hear all season.

There are always plenty of injuries to go around in the NFL, namely at the running back position. So while we did this last week and only intended to make it a sporadic feature, we realized that we could probably make it a weekly one with the plethora of hard hits that we saw in the Steelers-Giants game. The NFL is slowly but surely turning into the only professional sport that makes the fans thankful to be construction workers/accountants/nurses as opposed to on the field.

1) Kevin Faulk
He had a phenomenal game last week against the Rams with Sammy Morris, LaMont Jordan and Laurence Maroney all sidelined, we would expect the same from him this week against the Colts. Don’t be fooled by Indy’s surprisingly decent performance against the run on Monday, because they actually got up to play the undefeated division rival. Something tells me that the fact they still lost that game means they won’t be quite as tenacious. Additionally, even without Tom Brady throwing to him, The Titans are lacking a receiver anywhere near the plateau of Wes Welker, much less Randy Moss. It’s just good to see that after years and years of thankless third downs-manship, Faulk is finally getting a few more touches. And it only took the running back core to start dropping like flies around him.

2) Nate Washington
He’s always been a beast who never got enough touches, but after the past three weeks he’s had, if he is still available in your fantasy league then let me join next season. If there is room I would really like to play with you guys. Assuming Santonio Holmes is still out with his drug suspension, during which he is probably doing drugs, Washington’s numbers will only continue to impress. Even against the Redskins stringent defense.

Assisting struggling fantasy teams since time immemorial.

3) Martellus Bennett
“Who the fuck is this?” One might ask, and we couldn’t blame you. But in the process you will have outed yourself in two regards. 1) You do not watch Hard Knocks (we actually preferred the Chiefs season) and 2) you do not watch or pay attention to any draft picks past the first round. This is all well and good, but if Jason Witten doesn’t play (which most assume he won’t with a fractured rib, despite his protestations), Bennett is the man who will step in for all those touches that Witten gets throughout the course of a game. If you feel it is worth the risk on a new tight end — and judging by their unimpressive cumulative stats this season, I will assume that you do — then Bennett is a viable option.

4) Dominick Rhodes
We still say he is a relatively poor running back, but it is so rare that you find a viable backup who isn’t splitting carries. What he did against Tennessee is more a product of the system he’s in than an indication of his actual talent, but you he is a an asset on your roster and a starter so long as Addai is on the bench.

5) Reggie Williams
With Matt Jones out on a cocaine suspension, Williams becomes the best option at receiver for a team that spreads it around and primarily runs the ball. Gerrard only threw 18 touchdown passes last season, ten of which were to Williams though he didn’t put up many yards or receptions, so it is really hit or miss. But with the Bengals slated for this Sunday, I would bank on the former.

Try to get around to another post today.

Are you just searching for something to be pissed off about? Well, if this shallow, joke of a presidential election, the sagging economy and international hostility are not enough for you, or if you live in the woods and are unaware of all this, here are five fantasy players who might of turned your beshitted roster into a full blown laughing stock this week.

1) Maurice Jones-Drew
It seems like every week Jones-Drew is making one list or the other, but when you put up barely seven points against the Browns you are guaranteeing yourself a spot here. Given, the Browns defense is noticeably better than last seasons, but when you make me look like an idiot I do not take it lightly. I will impotently put you on this top five and you will never hear about it. Check and mate. But honestly, I do not think there is a more frustrating player to have in a starting lineup. He either breaks off two touchdowns or is held under fifty yards with no scores. Jones-Drew is the NFL equivalent of an It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia episode.

2) Michael Turner
You sort of took us all by surprise by the way you started the season and we always thought that would be short lived. But my God, man. Only 58 yards rushing against the Eagles? What the hell happened? We understand you’re only 5-10″ but you way an unfathomable 244 pounds. It is only one game, but when you can’t even punish the Eagles perennially sorry run defense, we worry you might already be showing your age. Longevity probably isn’t an trait for someone who is packing that much weight into such a short package.

Then again, you could probably burn down the stadium and still leave a better legacy than what they are use to in Atlanta.

3) Reggie Wayne
Yikes. Where the hell were you last night? That was an epic fail, Mr. Wayne. They could have reacquired Brandon Stokely and he would have put up better numbers, at least he would have been under the radar. But more importantly, I want to thank you Mr. Wayne. I had Dallas Clark and my opponent had you in their starting lineup, thank you for failing to get open so frequently that Manning had no choice but to throw to his tight end. Your three catches for 29 yards didn’t exactly compensate for the two touchdowns.

4) Terrell Owens
I think we’re at the point where your performances are so regularly mediocre that you don’t qualify for this list. But even with the surprising win against a sleeping giant in the Bucs, we suspect you are stewing over only getting five catches for 33 yards. It’s like, geez, why can’t Brad Johnson just throw me the ball more? Why is he so stupid? Whatever, I don’t even care. I am giving it two weeks after Tony Romo returns for Owens to threaten Wade Phillips publicly.

5) Ronnie Brown
How the hell did your team manage to be the Bills with you only rushing for 43 yards and no touchdowns? Oh, that’s right Ted Ginn finally lived up to the hype. Or proved the naysayers wrong, which ever your perspective. Normally we wouldn’t put you on here because we have such little respect for your team (despite their surprisingly average record), but 43 yards is awfully low for a guy splitting carries with the dealer from Half Baked.

Back with more later, hopefully before I leave work.

Well, another Sunday has passed. And one less ungodly horrible week of fantasy football has gone with it. We consider this a good thing, since our fantasy team is about as intimidating as the Lions at this point. But hey, we have four players going in tonights game and our opponent has three, which has to be some sort of record for pivotal players in a Monday nighter.

There wasn’t too much out of the ordinary that happened in week eight. The Bengals have solidified themselves as the worst team in the league, being on the receiving end of a 35-6 drubbing from the Texans, who could actually make a minor run here after a tough 0-4 start. When all is said and done, Andre Johnson just might end up with the best fantasy season of any receiver out there. On the other end of the spectrum unless you have TJ Houshmenzadeh you might want to dump or attempt to trade any and all Bengals with the news that Carson Palmer is out for the season. We suspect he won’t be in Cincinnati much longer.

If you're a Texans fan, here is yet another reason to smile.

Philadelphia came out of the bye week with a convincing 27-14 win over the Falcons, who no one seems to have beaten convincingly yet. Westbrook, much like Johnson, could prove to end up being the best player at his respective position by season’s end. Two touchdowns and 187 yards can make up for a few missed games here and there.

Carolina and Arizona played in a smorgasboard of fantasy production as Fitzgerald, Breaston and Boldin all put up big games (Boldin had the biggest with two trips to the end zone), countering my assumption that if Boldin came back you should bench the Michigan upstart. On the other side of the ball, DeAngelo Williams and Steve Smith consolidated all the fantasy production for themselves, leaving my two players on the team (Jonathan Stewart & Muhsin Muhammad) in the lurch. We benched them, but they still might have had better games than at least a couple players we started.

Marques Colston continues to grate as a fantasy pick, as his team dropped 37 points on the suddenly lowly Chargers, and he only managed two catches for 56 yards. That is without Reggie Bush in the rotation, by the way. Can anyone justify starting him in week nine? In spite of my own advice, I started him over Donnie Avery and it cost me about twenty fantasy points, despite his team putting up a season high result on the scoreboard. We knew this would happen, but we are just having a difficult time cutting that cord.

And finally, in the game of the week, we saw what is likely a Superbowl preview in the Giants-Steelers game. The game was a hard fought, hard hitting grind that took well over three and a half hours to play (damn near two hours for the first half), and if you had any fantasy players that weren’t Kevin Boss, Nate Washington or Mewelde Moore in your starting roster, then you have our condolences. Even Brandon Jacobs manage to lay an egg in this one. Given his size, that is not something you would expect as the trend tends to be, the bigger the running back the more likely he is to be consistent.

But that has been the running theme of this fantasy and NFL season. Expect the unexpected. Even eight weeks in we still are lacking have a solid grasp on which teams will actually contend for the Superbowl from the NFC (Still everyone in the East, Tampa, Carolina, New Orleans and potentially Green Bay or Chicago). The AFC is a little clearer but you can only speak with so much certainty about any of these scenarios. Right now it looks like Tennessee or Pittsburgh would be the two favored candidates. But it really isn’t going to surprise me if Indy, Baltimore or even Cleveland or Buffalo catches fire and makes a run at it.

The fantasy season is even more unpredictable, as there is no accounting for Lance Moore to regularly trump Marques Colston in production, or for Leonard Weaver to have two touchdowns against the Niners. Do you even know who Leonard Weaver plays for? For the uninitiated, it’s Seattle. If you knew who he is, do you know where he went to college? Neither did I, but I looked it up and it is some place called Carson Newman, which sounds like something he could have founded himself to play college football.

Whatever Carson Newman is, it is working out for him. We watched Invincible for the first time over the weekend, and while it was a standard rags to riches, obscurity to stardom studio sports film, it was one of the better ones. This seemed rather apropos of what we are seeing this season. Players are faster, stronger and more competitive than ever before, especially dating back to the Vince Papale era. But with the way the ball is spread around and the lack of concern players seem to have with the amount of touches they see in any given week (everyone except Terrell Owens, at least), Vince Papale could be a pretty common tale if NFL teams were to hold open tryouts.

Back later with what we learned from all of this.

Welcome back to yet another installment of weekly guesses that speculate as to who will have better weeks than expected. This can range from a top-tier player that is going to absolutely tear his opponent apart, or a pedestrian to shitty player who will put up at least a marginal week. This, as always, is completely subjective, arbitrary and probably not worth the time it will take you to glance at it. But our track record is probably as good as anyone’s, so even if you don’t agree with us you have a devil’s advocate. You’re welcome.

1) Clinton Portis
He was questionable heading into last week’s game against Cleveland and still put up 175 yards rushing and a touchdown. This week they play the Lions, and all my questions have been put to rest. Portis very well may set a couple records in this game, including “most carries with a former MVP backing him up” and “Number of opponents helmets knocked off in a single game”.

2) Steve Breaston
Assuming Boldin still doesn’t play (and he really shouldn’t), Breaston has been an absolute stud since his injury, and coming off the bye week we expect that to continue against the Panthers this Sunday. Why he was considered so much closer to Jason Avant than Braylon Edwards coming out of Michigan is beyond us, but the NFL is funny like that sometimes, in that it ignores basic common sense. Keep your eyes peeled for updates on Boldin’s status before you heed this advice and scamper off to throw him in your starting lineup and ignore it until Sunday at 1pm EST. We will not be your scapegoat.

3) Maurice Jones-Drew
Going against Cleveland, Del Rio is going to feel even more compelled to increase Drew’s workload as a result of coming off the bye week, and residual animosity towards Fred Taylor’s DUI. The fact Taylor beat Del Rio in the ping-pong tournament at the retirement home isn’t helping matters either. We’re feeling confident about this one.

4) Donnie Avery
He really began to come on last week against Dallas, and Avery along with the rest of his team is prime to capitalize on that momentum against the Patriots on Sunday. They are on the road, but with a competent coach actually calling plays and an aging receiving core, this rookie just might make a run at Rookie of The Year honors if he keeps this up.

5) Ben Roethlisberger
An odd selection at #5, but the Steelers are weakened at running back against a quality defense, and the Giants front seven is still hampered from lingering off-season injuries. We fully expect Big Ben to tear the marginally improved from last year but still mediocre secondary of the Giants apart. And yes, this hurts to say with a 20-1 future bet on the G-Men, but it seems more likely than not to happen. In short, if you have a choice between Kyle Orton and Roethlisberger, I would go with the latter (Yes, that is actually an option worth considering. And yes, I am going to regret typing that last sentence).

That’s it for the week, enjoy the games.

Larry Johnson: So, so get this, I says to her, I says, “I’m gonna kill yo’ boyfriend”, and the look on her face, man…Totally plussed. Totally plussed.

Jamaal Charles: Uh, alright.

Awkward moment of silence

JC: So wait, you threatened to murder her boyfriend?

LJ: Yep. Then the bitch went and got all uppity bout it, so I spit in her face. Watched that shit roll off.

JC: Well, I’m at a loss, frankly.

LJ: Muthafucka, what you mean u at a-

Chan Gailey: Larry: Coach Edwards would like to have a word with you.

LJ: Yeah, in a minute boss.

CG: Gotta be now, Larry.

LJ: God damn, all these punctual motherfuckers, Never givin’ LJ a little notice.Where he be at in the last couple minutes of a close game? (At Charles) I’ll be back, bitch. We’ll be clarifying this shit up sooner rather than later.

Walks to coach Edwards office

LJ: Coach Gailey said you wanted to see me, coach.

Herm Edwards: Come in son. Sit down for a second.

LJ: Something amidst, sir?

HE: What do we play for son?

LJ: (rolls eyes) To win the game, sir.

HE: Exactly. To wiiin The Game. What do we not play for? And if you roll your fucking eyes at me again, I’m going to tear your eyeballs out and fuck the socket.

LJ: Uh, I’m not exactly sure how to answer that, sir.

HE: Well let me help you out with that, Larry. We do not play to hock drunken loogies in some club goers face, and to threaten her douchebag boyfriend! That, I am one thousand percent fucking certain, we do not play for!

LJ: Well yes, sir. But it was, uh, I was caught up in the moment, sir. And, uh, I had been drinking too mu-

HE: You think I give a SHIT! You play in the NFL, why didn’t you just fuck her best friend like a normal person?!

LJ: I, I don’t know what else to say, sir.

HE: Well, you know what this means, right? We have to suspend you.

LJ: (startled) What? coach, no. I have to play. Every down I can.

HE: Hey, asshole. Look around, does this look like Taglibue’s NFL? No, it’s Roger Goodell’s. If we don’t take action you’ll be lucky if you don’t end up in some kind of internment camp.

LJ: I don’t care, coach. Do you have any idea what this is going to do to my reputation on the field?

HE: Yeah, you’ll be exposed as an under-performing fraud who had a season and a half of good carries and nothing else.

LJ: Exactly coach. You can’t let that happen.

HE: Sorry Larry. But this team currently has little to no redeeming qualities. You realize we only have one permanent fixture on fantasy rosters? Well, one after you leave. Tony Gonzalez. And that is only due to the fact that tight ends are god damn worthless this season.

LJ: You can’t allow this to happen. I won’t allow this to happen. You know I’m at Shaun Alexander status if I am away from the field for too long.

HE: Sorry, son. You should have thought about that before you lost your marbles in a bottle of Cristal. Jamaal and Kolby are going to assume the responsibilities at running back.

LJ: This can’t be happening. I’ve been a first round draft pick in fantasy football for four years running now. Even after last season. That’s how much potential I have!

HE: Hey, you’re a running back, dipshit. You want job security in this league? You should have played quarterback. A good one would be even better. You see the trio of fuckheads I’m working with now?

LJ: But coach, I-

HE: Chaan! Can you show Mr Johnson the exit, make sure he gathers his personal belongings before escorting him off the premises. Larry, Good day sir.

LJ: Listen, sir, I think you ha-

HE: I. Said. Good. Day.

CG: Sure, Herm.

HE: What the fuck did you just call me?

CG: Coach. Sure, coach.

HE: That’s what I thought.

Larry Johnson walks back into the locker room, sees Kolby Smith and Jamaal Charles high fiving

LJ: Motherfuckers. You better hope you’re not somebody’s boyfriend! This shit ain’t ova, you hear me? This shit ain’t ova!

We are at the point in the season where nagging injuries and missed games start to tally up. Sure, that is an issue in the first half of the season as well as the middle, but there seems to be a surplus of it going into week eight, and there are several players often left on the open market that you can either add to your lineup or roster to improve your odds. Here are just some of those names.

1) Steve Heiden
Kellen Winslow isn’t sideline with the staff infection that the Browns hid from everyone, but rather with a suspension for telling the media why he didn’t play in week six. But what happened in week six? Heiden broke off five catches for 59 yards (A good game for tight-ends this season) in an absolute route of the defending champion Giants, 35-14. Thirty five points, against one of the better defenses in the league, which means more opportunity for touchdowns. If you are struggling to find a productive tight-end (as just about everyone except for three teams in your league is), Heiden might be your best bet.

But more on the Winslow suspension, which typifies why the owners are hypocritical douchebags who are never asked to answer for their hypocrisy because they’re not in the public eye. At least not as much as the players. Of course Winslow has had some behavioral issues in the past, and they’ve used that as a reason to completely disregard his protestations to their attempt to cover up a rash of staff infections.

Is Winslow an ideal personality? No. But he’s been asked to endure a run of humiliating rumors at the behest of his employer that jeopardized him and his teammates health, and it all seemed to be done thanklessly. Apparently the Browns owners are the closest thing the NFL produces to sweat shop owners. The player’s union really, really needs to strengthen their resolve. In this economy they’ll be asked to double as chauffeurs if they’re not careful.

2) Pierre Thomas
We know absolutely nothing about this guy, and still tend to think McAllister and Stecker will pull in a good amount of carries. But with Reggie Bush sidelined with a hamstring injury and ESPN having Thomas listed as the second string, this is the guy to acquire apparently. He better show up at least, because we all know Marcus Fucking Colston isn’t going to contribute. Anyhow, we suspect this will be heavy on run by committee, but if you have Reggie Bush this is your best opportunity to fill the temporary void he is leaving.

Pierre's going to take the Chargers to school...or something.

3) Jamaal Charles
The rookie running back for the Chiefs and backup to cartoonishly troubled Larry Johnson (it hasn’t been a good year for former and current Penn State football players). It is either Charles or Kolby Smith, and since ESPN ranks Charles higher on the depth chart and it has been a remarkable year so far for rookie running backs, we recommend going with Charles. They are playing the Jets who sport a fairly solid defense, but anyone the Chiefs play has a relatively strong D, so that is just splitting hairs. Go with Charles in the even of a bye week, or if you were lacking the foresight to avoid Larry Johnson.

4) Sammy Morris
If he was available last week he probably isn’t anymore. But if you have him on your roster you would be well advised to start him, as they are playing the Rams and Bill Belichick is about a thousand times better of a coach than Wade Phillips, and the Cowboys roster is essentially a traveling carnival. this goes against our newly developed credo from two days ago, but if the Rams contain the Patriots and actually pull out a third straight win against a playoff caliber team, then the Cardinals probably have someone to worry about for the division title. Which is refreshing. The Cardinals need to have something to worry about.

5) Chansi Stuckey
Much like Pierre Thomas, we know nothing about this guy personally. We do know, however, that he plays for the Jets, and that the Jets are playing the Chiefs at home, and they are going to be out for blood after that humiliating loss to Tom Cable and the clusterfuck Raiders. One thing we admire about Favre is he doesn’t discriminate who he throws to, so expect Stuckey to add to his touchdown total on the season.

More later if we can find the time.

This is the time of the week when we officially gripe and lament the poor individual performances of NFL employees, who may or may not have done what was asked of them by their employer but potentially ruined your weekend. Usually when we do this it is just called bitching, but for this post we refer to it as critical observation.

1) Marques Colston
Is there anything about you that doesn’t piss us off? I’ll give you a little leeway given that you are coming off a thumb injury or some such shit, but to announce your return into the starting lineup then to fail to tally a single fucking reception is completely unacceptable. Not only are you the Saints first option at wide receiver, you play for the most pass happy team in the NFL, and you can’t come through with a couple screen passes for 10 yards? How am I suppose to account for that? Tell your coach to teach all of you how to play on the road. Fuck heads.

2) Peyton Manning
Way to make everyone look like an asshole after they proclaimed you to be rejuvenated after your shlacking of the Ravens, asshole. You’re going up against a team in Green Bay, who currently sports a quarterback that not only played at Cal, but is the predecessor to Brett Favre. And he sent you out of town on a rail. We regret drafting you because otherwise we would take glee in the beginning of the end to your career. Instead we have to wait in suspense to see how you will perform next. This week’s opponent: Tennessee. Yeah, we might be acquiring Kyle Orton for week eight.

3) Ronnie Brown
27 yards rushing and one catch for a solitary yard? Did you break your neck or something? Is Ricky Williams a bad influence on you? Dominick Rhodes torched this “vaunted” Ravens defense the week before, and he is an insufficient backup for a once great offense. Now we shudder at the thought of having to ever start you again. Tuberville would show you the door if you were still at Auburn and put up numbers like these, and they only managed three points against Mississippi State. Good job.

4) Greg Jennings
So your team drops 34 on the Colts, and you only manage to be responsible for 5.13 fantasy points of it. Yeah, yeah, the defense returned two interceptions for touchdowns, but that still leaves four scoring drives available that you were basically obsolete for. Is there a reason for your inconsistency this season? Driver isn’t catching shit, that much I can assure you. Quit being so fucking reluctant and assume your rightful position as the number one pass catching option on this young team. Just show some fucking poise for once in your life. I know you played with Brett Favre and all, but he isn’t there anymore. Your erratic behavior should have left with him to New York.

5) Torry Holt
So, your team also drops 34 on the most overhyped team in the NFL, and you amass 3 catches for 51 yards. Some of them were on third down, and that’s great. You think I give a fuck? “Oooh, what a valuable contributor to his team. He really comes through when it matters.” Fuck that. Are you going to really give up your spot as the top playmaker on this team to Donnie Fucking Avery? The guy went to Houston for Christ sakes. I mean, you went to NC State, which is only marginally better. But at least its in a BCS conference, even if said conference should have their BCS rights stripped from them until Miami gets its shit together and can beat Duke convincingly. But still, it was modestly respectable when you were there. And this is what you’ve reduced yourself to? Disgraceful.

You know a surefire way of knowing that Sunday’s performance was full of surprise performers, other than that my team won and won convincingly? The Rams and Raiders both pulled out wins against competitive opponents, shattering the perspectives of the opposing teams fan bases. Seriously, if you are a Jets fan and you’re all optimistic about your chances to win the division and make a playoff run, what does a loss to the Raiders do to your psyche? Peter King constantly hypes your prospects and this? It’s like your mom telling you are handsome then not being able to find a date.

Anyhow, let’s look at who came through unexpectedly in the fantasy ranks for week 7. I could just redirect you to this list and it would be legitimate, but well try to be a little more humble and objective than that, lest we upset anyone again.

1) Dan Orlovsky
265 yards passing, with one touchdown and one two-point conversion in a losing effort against a winless team isn’t exactly setting the world on fire. But when you are coming off a week in which you ran out of the back of your own end zone for five seconds to your opponents advantage, well, expectations aren’t exactly staggeringly high. Anyhow, because of their rarity we tend to over-inflate the value of 2-point conversions, so this performance was good for a little over 23 points. Congrats Dan.

I think what we can learn from this, is that a professional athlete's card can immortalize anybody.

2) Derrick Mason
Derrick Mason, now well into his fourth season of turning around the Ravens anemic passing attack, finally put up some numbers yesterday against everyone’s favorite gritty underdogs, the Miami Dolphins. You know you’re instilling false hope in your fans when you make Derrick Mason and Joe Flacco look like Rice-Montana.

3) Antonio Bryant
Tampa Bay’s quarterback situation is so inexplicable and inordinate that anytime a receiver comes through with a decent game he will probably make this list, so long as it isn’t the same person every time. And I do not think we have to worry about this being an issue with Antonio Bryant, who most people still probably mistake for being on the Cowboys. Six catches for 115 yards and a touch is good for anyone, much less a receiver who couldn’t start for the Eagles.

4) Mewelde Moore
The Steelers played the Bengals, and we have expressed our dissatisfaction for putting individual performances against the Bengals on this list. Because they are, you know, fucking terrible. But this is Mewelde Moore we are talking about, he’s not exactly a household name. I think there is an outside chance that if Mewelde Moore committed a felony, he could actually be prosecuted for his crimes….Ha! Just kidding, we all know professional athletes are above the law.

5) Owen Daniels
Damn, it has been rare I’ve actually been able to put a tight end on this list. I mean, I haven’t expected any of them to do shit since week 3, and none of have. But Daniels came through with six catches for 66 yards and two touchdowns. That, my friends, is Shannon Sharpe-esque. You see what I did there? I made you pine for the days of Shannon Sharpe in a uniform, instead of resent his days as an “analyst”, which I think is now just synonymous with “random former player with a friend at the network”.

There you have it, others we considered for the top five were LenDale White (talked about him too much on this website recently), Dominick Rhodes (ditto), Matt Cassel (on linked list above), Sammy Morris (see Matt Cassel) & Chad Johnson (Just living up to expectations, but did so with Kirk Fitzpatrick throwing to him, so consider him 5B).

Back tomorrow morning with something.

Over the course of the past few weeks, I think I’ve figured out how to properly utilize certain players for the duration of the fantasy season. It has taken me awhile, as some would consider me quite inept in all facets of life, particularly analytical ones, but here me out. I think these could be of value to your fantasy success.

LenDale White: If he is playing at home, against a shitty defense and Kerry Collins is still their quarterback. Under these circumstances, White is an asset. Under normal circumstances (on the road, average opponent, Vince Young at QB) he is a black hole of worthlessness. For instance, in week eight they are playing Indianapolis at home on a Monday night, considering the only offense that the Colts looked even serviceable against was the Ravens, who currently start a quarterback that was playing teams like Robert Morris last season, I think you would be well advised to start White if he is indeed an option.

Braylon Edwards: Only start Mr. Edwards if Kellen Winslow isn’t playing and the Browns are at home. Last week he put up 2007 like numbers against a somewhat depleted Giants defense and with Winslow on the sidelines for private (read: genitalia related) medical reasons. Yesterday they went on the road to Washington and he proceeded to drop four passes and only made his stats look respectable in the last three minutes of the game. He clearly has some sort of mental block when on the field at the same time as Winslow, in fact the entire team seems to share the same affliction. Except for Jamal Lewis, it was probably those two months he spent on the inside that hardened him to the presence of such an insufferable bloke.

Any player from any team in the NFC South: We are not one to cast aspersions, but the dichotomy between these teams on the road and at home is absurd. How mentally unprepared and inept can one be that playing on the road is that much of an team obstacle. Basically, the only team that will have any chance of reaching the Superbowl out of that division is the one that wins it,a s they can pray for home field advantage. Right now that looks like Tampa Bay but they do have Jeff Garcia splitting time with Brian Griese at quarterback, in other words. I wouldn’t put money on it.

The Patriots: Every other week. That’s it. It doesn’t matter who they are playing, where they are playing them at or what injuries they may have. If you have any Patriots on your roster, play them every other week. This include Randy Moss and Wes Welker. If you look at their first six weeks, they haven’t strung together back-to-back wins or losses, nor has their offense or defense played exceptionally well in either loss (which have come at the hands of the lowly Dolphins and the under-performing Chargers).

We’ll continue with these realizations as they continue to dawn on us. Right now we have to go ponder last night’s Mad Men episode, because it was that fucking good. Back later (possibly early evening) with top five surprises from week seven.

Usually we prefer the college game to the pros, and for a myriad of reasons. More variance in play calling and strategy, more accessibility on television, better live game experience, etc. But if the NFL keeps up like this for the remaining nine weeks of the season, we might have to switch our loyalties (particularly if OSU loses this Saturday), at least in the short term. There was just so much to enjoy from last week that we were almost happy to be hungover to the point of immobility.

First off, and I think I speak for everyone who isn’t in Dallas or a front running douchebag, that seeing the Cowboys just meltdown against the Rams, made everyone who doesn’t have Terrell Owens on his fantasy team happy. Just a collapse of epic proportions after bringing in Roy Williams. We mentioned before that this might happen, and having the Rams for their first game was a great litmus test for where they stand as a team without Romo, and a close loss might have been a little more reassuring than a 20 point loss. Despite losing their franchise quarterback, and for as heralded as their defense is, they should really have been capable of keeping it within a touchdown to a team that has plenty of deficiencies, even with a new coach.

Losing in such convincing fashion leads me to believe that not only will this team miss the playoffs coming out of the ultra-competitive NFC east, but they could very well end up dwelling in the basement. Pity, we had such high hopes for another epic post-season collapse.

But the real story in that game is what this new coach means for everyone who has Steven Jackson on their roster, as this is two great games under Jim Haslett now. If Jackson can continue to perform like the Jackson from three seasons ago, this could spell trouble for whoever in your league has a great roster but with what was believed to be a bust in the first round, making his roster merely competitive instead of loaded. In our case, this is particularly troubling. We know full well what he is capable of with some seasonal momentum, and the Rams — who all of a sudden look like a worthy member of the National Football League — have it in spades right now.

In honor of their big win, here is a gratiutous Rams cheerleader pic.

Other developments from this past weekend include the Vikings and Bears having the most unexpected 90+ total points contest in the history of football, LenDale White going all Tim Riggins on us and throwing down for at least one game against the lowly Chiefs, the Browns returning to dropped pass form, LaDanian Tomlinson continuing his season of suckage, the entire Colts roster showing its age against a young Packers squad and Brett Favre playing like a 38 year-old should. This was, indeed, memorable. Even if completely non-indicative of how the rest of the season will look. All we know is we are hoping for a Titans-Giants Superbowl if not Eagles and someone they could actually beat on a national stage.

Truth be told we could write upwards of around 5,000 words on each of the aforementioned topics, but we work for a living, so we’ll try to summarize it all in a top five list or something.

Back with more later.

With the NFL season just clocking away weeks at a seemingly expedient rate, we still have virtually no idea where anyone stands. All we can say is its a good thing that there is a playoff, unlike college football where you are essentially building a resume more so than anything else. With the NFL, the teams that had the statistically best seasons make the playoffs in they settle it on the field in December and January, single game elimination style.

If only fantasy football were so fair.

How many times have you seen people lose games despite having the second highest score for the week. That is the nature of head to head (you might as well not have an opponent if you’re doing total points), but man does it sting when you drop 150 on someone and they return the favor with 170 right back.

Point being, it is very important that you guess right, especially on bye weeks, here are five guys to watch out for in week seven of the 2008 football season.

1) LenDale White
This might seem somewhat self-aggrandizing since we have him on our roster, but they are going up against Kansas City coming off a bye week, and no one thrives off of a bye week more so than a fat man. That includes the offensive line. We are assuming that they will run all over the Chiefs so much that certainly Chris Johnson won’t get all the carries, am I right? Right?…Where’s everyone going?

You better use White for this game, Edwards, because he might not be good for a few weeks afterwards.

2) Dominick Rhodes
We’ve mentioned it before, but there is no Joesph Addai or even Mike Hart to eat up any of his carries. We are sure they have someone else in their arsenal but he shouldn’t be anything more than a third down back. Not to mention that they are playing Green Bay, who are inexplicably in the bottom five in the league against the rush. If there is any chance that he hasn’t been consolidated in your league, then by all means pick him up yourself. Even if you don’t intend to start him, at least you eliminate the option for everyone else in your league. The best way to win in fantasy football is to horde as many players as possible. So go ahead and cut ties with Kyle Orton, you won’t feel the loss.

3) Marc Bulger
New coach, banged up Dallas secondary that they will being going up against (which admittedly, might be an improvement) at home, and a big win last week against Washington. We’ve been down on him and this team all season, but feel like this is an opportunity to actually live up to the expectations he has been withering under for two seasons now.

4) Matt Cassel
In short, they are playing Denver at home. Denver’s defense might rank amongst the worst I have ever seen on a team with a winning record. And right now the Patriots are working on an every other week sort of thing. After getting curb-stomped by the Chargers, I think they are ready to take their sorrows out on another AFC West team.

5) Sammy Morris/Kevin Faulk
For all the same reasons as Matt Cassel, including injured starters.

I do not mean to brag, but typically I do not find myself in this position. What position is that? Hoping NFL players have their season and potentially career ruined by non-life threatening injury so I have a glimmer of hope to claw back into the rat race that is my fantasy league. For the past three years I have sat comfortably in one of the top two positions hoping to fend everyone off and hold steady in one of the two money spots. This year I am looking at my roster, looking at my opponents roster, and concluding that the only plausible way I can sneak out a win is if one my opponent’s players beats his wife or something and is denied bail. It’s like rooting for further economic decay so you’re bank account looks bigger by comparison: Feeble, petty, and might actually affect you adversely at some point but not in the short term, so why not aspire to see the extremely limited improved status?

This is the desperation of a bottom feeding fantasy football participant, something I haven’t felt since my inaugural year in 2004. It is a miserable feeling given the powerlessness of it, especially when the limited hope you have for your fantasy team actually dwarfs that which you have for your actual team (Eagles). Under normal circumstances, the NFL season would be over for me and I would be writing this blog as a formality instead of a hobby.

Nope, not even this is making it seem any more logical to be and Eagles fan.

But, as we’ve mentioned a number of times, the parity that exists in the NFL has infiltrated our fantasy teams and leagues. And that alone has kept my season alive. Right now I am 2-4, and there are three teams at the top of the standings that sit at 4-2. In short, I am only two games out of the lead with a roster that is starting to come together. Colston should be back this week, Edwards and Manning seem to have turned the corner after their week’s against the Giants & Ravens, and I have a bevy of second string guys who have been getting ample playing time due to injury (Correll Buckhalter & Dominick Rhodes, most notably).

This week, however, I am facing the kid who has unequivocally the best team in our league (and he fucking autopicked!). Currently he is sporting Clinton Portis, Frank Gore, Jay Cutler. Chris Cooley, Greg Jennings, Steve Smith & Bernard Berrian in his starting roster, and despite my two game winning streak (which isn’t even technically a streak), I pretty much need Steve Smith or Clinton Portis to spontaneously come up with one of their classic nagging injuries to sneak out of this week with a win. That is too many potential 20+ point performances on one roster for me to have Muhsin Muhammad in my starting roster and expect to win.

Never the less, with the ball being spread around as much as it currently is on seemingly every team, I just need a diamond in the ruff this week to come through with a victory. The Redskins are playing the Browns, but they played the Rams last week and everyone laid an egg. Who’s to say the same thing won’t happen this week? This is the new face of fantasy football, and I am now at the point where I won’t be happy until I can form a league that is so focused on absolute equality that every team finishes 7-7, and the standings and teams eliminated from the playoffs is determined by total points.

This is my new goal. Because the very notion that my fantasy team is still alive after failing to break 80 points in three of the first four weeks (when the average 114.59) is so absurd it means that this goal is actually tangible.

Back later with something.

The Dallas Cowboys have been the most regularly scrutinized and strangely media adored team in the NFL since I have been following the league (roughly 15 years). This is astounding in many respects. The other teams who fit this match in all other sports reside in either New York or Los Angeles, and while Dallas is by no means Green Bay, the city doesn’t warrant the same brand of allure and media presence that the two coastal markets conveniently provide.

So given their penchant for making headlines, it comes as no surprise that when they seem to be in turmoil they dominate every aspect of every sports news outlet. Personally, I could give a good fuck about the Cowboys. The only reason I would is if any of them were on my fantasy team. And none of them are. I am an Eagles fan, and am somewhat hesitant to admit that this factors into how I draft my team. If I could have gotten Terrell Owens or Tony Romo or Jason Witten for cheap, then I would have. But I believe all of them plus Marion Barber were all gone by the third round in my draft(s), because just like the team is overrated, so are the sum of its parts. so I didn’t bother.

Still, I can’t completely ignore their existence, especially when they appear to be on the verge of a collapse. So lets look at the myriad of contemporary reasons that this team is falling apart, which all happen to coincide with the plethora of reasons we do not like them.

Wade Philips-Brad Garrett: This has fallen on the back burner in the wake of everything else, but I’ve never seen anything like the paradox with these two being on the same team and I doubt I ever will again. Can anyone think of another circumstance in which an assistant coach was so highly paid and clearly being groomed to replace the current head coach? This, in and of itself, already puts Wade Phillips at a disadvantage when actually trying to maintain the respect of his players. If they know that he is on his way out, why would they pay his direction any mind if his subordinate has higher value placed on him by the owner?

Pacman Jones: He seems capable but unwilling to walk the straight and narrow for his team or himself. And it’s not that this most recent incident had all the glaring after effects of the Vegas titty bar run-in, no one was mowed down in a hail of bullets, but when you have a rap sheet larger than your playbook you will be under extra scrutiny from fuhrer Goodell. This is a zero sum game for the team itself, as Pacman was still noticeably out of game shape. It’s funny what happens when you take a year off, sometimes.

Roy Williams & Terrell Owens: Roy Williams is a remarkable talent, and to this day remains one of the better college receivers we have ever seen. But his NFL career has been inconsistent for a number of reasons and one of them has been his demeanor, so we have a hard time justifying spending first, third and sixth round draft pick on him. His acquisition is filling a position that is already filled, and it just seems excessive so Jerry Jones can claim he has another “star”. The only people this move is instilling any confidence in are Lions fans, who might finally feel like they have a competent GM.

The biggest problem this presents is his abnormal behavior accompanied with Terrell Owens’ remarkably fragile ego. I mean, they are both egomaniacs, but another star wide out is entering Terrell Owens’ turf, and their is absolutely no question that Williams is going to handle as clumsily as possible, as he seems to be terribly inept at reading a room.

These two in the same locker room will mirror that of Andy and Jim on The Office, just they’re bother black and overpaid receivers for the Dallas Cowboys. Competing for faux-alpha maleness will most certainly be a point of contention between the two, unless Williams can manage to stay aloof about even this. But we suspect he won’t take it too kindly after the first time Owens calls him out in public.

Hey, I don’t mean to be all gloom and doom here. It could work between the two of them, these are two of the more talented receivers currently suiting up. How is that a bad thing? Additionally, Williams is from Odessa and is reportedly thrilled with the development (as I imagine any Lion is when he gets traded out of Detroit, much less back home), so maybe everyone will take it in stride and personalities won’t clash to abhorrently. But we have our doubts.

Tony Romo - We are still trying to determine why he is considered such an asset. I mean, for fantasy football he has been a fucking goldmine for the past season and a half. But look at his track record. He has had some statistically monstrous games against teams they were probably going to beat anyways. He has never come through in the post-season, or even in a game in which exceptional quarterback play was needed. He’s basically the NFC’s version of Carson Palmer, but we know even less about his psyche, and Palmer had to have his knee ripped to shreds to reach this point in his career, what has ever been so mentally or physically scarring for Romo?

We do have some good news for Cowboy fans and owners of Cowboy skill players on their fantasy teams: We tend to be of the mind that Brad Johnson won’t be a disaster and may even surprise some people. If you look at his history, he has regularly played second fiddle to someone that was perceived as more deserving, but has always been a respectable contingency plan. With this bevy of receivers and running backs, if he can’t at least prove to be serviceable here, then he won’t be anywhere.

The Defense - Last and certainly not least but probably most overlooked, the defense is just bad. We have no idea if this is the result of poor scheming, coaching, lack of team chemistry or overrated players. But for a unit that produced five pro-bowlers last season, it has certainly fallen below expectations. My God, you don’t even have to look at the number of pro bowlers, just look at the name recognition: DeMarcus Ware, Tank Johnson, Terrence Newman, Roy Williams, Greg Ellis, Zach Thomas, etc. We can’t figure out why this is never addressed by the team (see trading three draft picks in 2009 for another wide out) or media members; who are all too happy to continue fawning over the magnitude of the Cowboys star.

If the defense could ever actually live up to the hype, then maybe they wouldn’t have to rely on their quarterback who is completely unreliable in the clutch. And we wouldn’t have to listen to sob stories constantly pouring out of their locker room.

That being said, nothing has happened yet. They are still 4-2 and even with the supposedly temporary losses of Romo and Pacman Jones, they still have as much talent as anyone in the league. The issue being, the two losses shouldn’t have happened in the first place, all the personalities in the locker room carry too much baggage that seems to effect the play on the field and oh yeah, they are in the toughest division in the league.

We would like to tell you that these circumstances are distressing and we sympathize with Cowboys fans, but we don’t. Schadenfreude is the game of the day whenever it comes to Jerry Jones and anything. We will be hear to highlight every slip up, every embarrassing performance against teams like the Rams and it will be some of the most joyous vindication these eyes have ever seen.

Enjoy playoff baseball, we’ll be back in the morning with something equally illuminating.