Fantasy Football

Our second round of picks for the weekend, read part one covering the 1PM games here. The brevity here is going to be uncanny. My apologies for that.

(Home team in caps)

SAN DIEGO -5 Atlanta
Line Pick: San Diego has had as many heartbreaking losses as any team that I can recall in a single season, and there really isn’t any reason to think this would be any different. But with the Falcons coming off a huge home win against the Panthers and with the Colts ripping out the hearts of the Chargers faithful again last week, we expect both teams to come back to earth in their own fashion. Take San Diego, give the points.

Fantasy Advice: Vincent Jackson hasn’t let down his owners in quite some time, we expect his streak of stellar performances to continue. I think Tomlinson is going to be putting up lackluster numbers for at least the rest of this season, he just seems to have lost a spring in his step. You have my sympathies, Tomlinson owners. Because you can’t justify benching him. On Atlanta, look for big games from Michael Jenkins and potentially Jerius Norwood, that’s if Harry Douglas doesn’t eat up all their touches.

OAKLAND -3 Kansas City
Line Pick: If you’re a fan of either of these teams, then you have our condolences. Not only because your team is absolutely beshitted, but because you probably have some motivation to watch this game despite your better judgment. I can’t even fathom what I’d rather do than watch this game…help someone move, make an airport pickup, tour the rain forests of South America naked; the list is endless. Just take KC and the points if you’re planning on doing a parlay with every game on Sunday.

Fantasy Advice: Bench all of them. Larry Johnson could rip off 200 yards and I wouldn’t regret benching that vile fuck.

NEW ENGLAND -1 Pittsburgh
Line Pick: Hmmmmm, you’re basically picking a winner here. So it’s really a matter of how legitimate you think Matt Cassel is. Have these past two weeks been an anomaly or is he Tom Brady 2.0? I tend to think it’s somewhere in between, but I am going with the Steelers here. They are inconsistent but this strikes me as the type of game they show up for. Not to mention Pittsburgh has the top rated defense (passing and rushing) in the league.

Fantasy Advice: We really like Welker and Jabbar Gaffney to have great games and for Nate Washington and Heath Miller to rival him. These are two of the most efficient teams in the league, we suspect their going to have to reach above and beyond their top-tier players to move the ball.

NY JETS -7.5 Denver
Line Pick: Jets in a landslide. Unless they can clone Al Wilson and put this game in Denver, I do not expect the Broncos to come within a mile of winning this game, much less a touchdown.

Fantasy Advice: That said, Cutler, Marshall and Royale should get you some numbers. You pretty much have to start any of the following for the Jets: Favre, Coles, Cotchery, Stuckey, Washington, Jones and Keller. Remember, Denver gave up 31 to Oakland of all teams.

MINNESOTA -3 Chicago
Line Pick: Pretty solid Sunday night game, all things considered. If it goes to overtime I think it should be settled by a fist fight between Rex Grossman and Tavaris Jackson for the win.

Fantasy Advice: Two great defenses going against two teams that struggle throwing the ball. I think you have your answer right there.

HOUSTON -3.0 Jacksonville
Line Pick: Kind of an eyesore for a Monday nighter, maybe that explains the bizarre line. I’d take the Jags against the money line, much less if they’re getting three points. Seriously, is Jones-Drew out getting another hyphen for his name on Monday? Why the hell are they getting points in this?

Fantasy Advice: Anyone that isn’t a Jacksonville receiver or a Houston quarterback should work well.

That’s it until Monday. Thank fucking Christ.

So 2-1 isn’t a terrible start to the week, But let’s be honest, the only game that I could have potentially missed was the game I ended up missing. No one outside of Washington state or Michigan could have realistically predicted the Seahawks or Lions to cover. I guess Schlereth and Wingo were right about Warner and I was wrong about Boldin (but right about Fitzgerald and Breaston). I only saw from mid-second quarter on (fucking family obligations), but by my estimation, Boldin had at least four dropped passes (including two drops in the end zone on the same drive). Those fucking SEC, Texas and SoCal schools better thank Christ they aren’t forced to travel north for bowl games.

On a personal note, nothing makes you feel fucked like a fantasy performer dropping four touchdowns on you and in the process racking up more fantasy points in one game than he’s had in the past four weeks combined. To add insult to injury, I happen to be an Eagles fan. I am actually considering renouncing this. If I do not have an effigy of Brian Westbrook burning on my front lawn when I lose this week, I’ll wonder what’s happened to me.

Anyway, onto the picks and non-specific fantasy projections for the 1PM games this Sunday.

BUFFALO -7 San Fransisco
Line Pick: Buffalo’s at home and it is a considerable advantage. But seven is a pretty sizable spread for a team that has one win in the past six weeks and it’s against the Chiefs. The Niners have looked much…pluckier since Singletary lost his fucking mind at a press conference. I’m going to take the Niners and their solid defense to force a couple turnovers and keep this one close.

Fantasy Advice: Both teams have much better defenses than they do offenses. But both running backs should have respectable games and I like how Vernon Davis has been performing the past couple weeks. Do not anticipate a lot of earth shattering performances in this one. Instead, expect this to be a testament against the hard salary cap and excessive parity.

Baltimore -7 CINCINNATI
Line Pick: When the Bengals second best performance of the season is a tie at home in the ugliest game played all season, it is hard to pick them to cover against the Ravens, a team that trounced the same opponent a week later 36-7. Cincy has a habit of keeping a lot of games closer than you’d expect. But Baltimore has a lot riding on these games that are supposed to be akin to a bye week, to counter-balance any losses in an increasingly heated playoff race. Take the better team to win convincingly in the Ravens.

Fantasy Advice: Derrick Mason and Willis McGahee and/or Ray Rice should have respectable performances. As far as Cinncy is concerned, if Chad Johnson isn’t playing I can’t even recommend starting Housh. If Cinncy wasn’t so accustomed to losing the city would have formed an angry mob to storm the gates of the front office by now.

If only Willis McGahee has the same perseverance of the Stanfield crew.

Indianapolis -4.5 CLEVELAND
Well, Cleveland is basically Fredo to Indy’s Sonny Corleone, and you are more than welcome to your own opinion. But I have to begrudgingly take the Colts to continue this current win streak and win by a few touchdowns. I wouldn’t completely rule out the possibility of a Browns-Giants type beatdown, what with Derek Anderson returning to the starting lineup and not having the burden of a possible replacement anymore. Not to mention that Indy has always struggled in cold weather environment because they’ve always played home games in a fucking dome. But from my perspective, Indy is just too hot right now to not cover 4.5 against a team that by all accounts is falling apart at the seams.

Fantasy Advice: I like Edwards to drop about two passes for significant yardage but still get in the end zone. Jerome Harrison might be a reliable option in some of your deeper leagues and Derek Anderson might be worth a gamble in a two quarterback league. On the flip side, I like Addai and Reggie Wayne to finally break out of a relative fantasy slump, as the Browns have a bottom ten defense in the NFL.

GREEN BAY -3 Carolina
Line Pick: Green Bay at home is a lot different that Green Bay on the road in New Orleans. I like Rodgers to rebound and Ryan Grant to run buckwild over a team that occasionally mails it in on defense (see last week against Atlanta). Not to mention that all three of Carolina’s losses have been on the road in much less hostile environments than Lambeau.

Fantasy Advice: Jennings, Rodgers & Donald Lee should all put up good to great performances. I would say Donald Driver, but he is having knee issues and is pushing 70 years old. Carolina is an odd duck when it comes to fantasy. DeAngelo Williams is, much to my dismay, having a great fantasy season despite being roughly four feet tall. Steve Smith is a must start regardless of the circumstances. And if you have alternatives I would steer clear of Delhomme, Muhammad and Jonathan Stewart,

ST. LOUIS (Pick ‘em) Miami
Line Pick: So let me get this straight, the Rams have won two games all season against a banged up Cowboys team and an over-confident Redskins team. They’ve lost their last five and I’m supposed to pick them to beat a well coached, disciplined and unrelenting Miami team because…why, exactly? They’re at home? They’re due for a win? That’s alright. I’ll take the team that’s playing for something other than a higher draft pick.

Fantasy Advice: If Steven Jackson plays, it makes Torry Holt, Marc Bulger and Donnie Avery all genuinely viable starters depending on the depth of your league. If he doesn’t, then bury these guys as deep on your bench as humanly possible and forget they’re even on your team for week 13. Miami is a wild card at receiver, but with Caramillo being out for the season he makes Ted Ginn look a lot better. Obviously Ronnie Brown is a starter, but Ricky Williams might warrant consideration against this paltry Rams defense.

TAMPA BAY -3.5 New Orleans
Line Pick: Well, if one of these NFC South teams we’re going to win a divisional road game, this would probably be it. The Saints should have a ton of momentum after that violation of the Packers. But it would be embarrassing to break our code in the same week we theorize it. But we will take New Orleans to lose a close one against a Tampa team that always keeps it close and is undefeated at home, especially since they only lost by four in New Orleans. I don’t know, if I’m gambling in Vegas, I might avoid this game like a Romeo Crennel avoids a clue.

Fantasy Advice: Well, Warrick Dunn is getting about 90% of the carries, so he is a must start regardless of who else you own. Garcia is reliable in two QB leagues. If you’re feeling confident in either Patrick Crayton, Joey Galloway or Jerramy Stevens, then knock yourself out. But it’s too much of a crap shoot for my tastes. New Orleans is even more fickle. The team always puts up points but the ball is spread around so much you’d think all their receivers were Broncos running backs. Tampa’s defense is going to show up, it’s a matter of New Orleans avoiding an identical offensive scheme to what they did last week that will keep Tampa’s defense honest.

NY GIANTS -3 Washington
Line Pick: Yeah, I’m not sure why the Giants aren’t always the Sunday night game, as they seem to be involved in one of the three best every week, and this is no exception. With that said, I’m taking them to cover handily. It’s difficult to sweep a season series against a team, especially one as impressive as Washington. But if they beat them in Washington (albeit it was the first game of the NFL season and Washington is all but literally a different team now), I fully expect them to win in the Meadowlands. That entails covering three points.

Fantasy Advice: Derrick Ward if Jacobs sits his second game out should provide a productive week. We also like Kevin Boss, as we always take the a serviceable to pro bowl tight end to have a big game if he’s going up against a great defense. Along the same line of thinking, we like Cris Cooley to come through for fantasy owners. As great as the Giants are, if they have any flaw it would be prone to giving up big weeks against stud receivers. I like Santana Moss to have one of his token 20 point games. I don’t know, it is really difficult to predict any opponent of the Giants to put up big offensive statistics when they’re liable to decapitate the quarterback on ever play.

Evening game picks later tonight.

I think it warrants mentioning that I went 10-4-2 against the line in my first week doing this. If you had the rare combination of wealth and stupidity, I could have made you rich last week. If, however, you missed the boat last week and are hoping on the bandwagon this week, you’re most likely destined to end up in a men’s shelter. But me not dolling out advice as to how to use your money is like John Madden not muttering incoherently about Turkey legs on Thanksgiving, so we have to do it regardless.

...And who can blame him?

Despite my optimismI still advise you to find an alternative to the NFL for your sports gambling. I will concede it is generally much easier to pick against the line in the last eight weeks than the first nine. There is too much fluctuation for 70% of the teams in the league nowadays (New Orleans, Atlanta, San Diego, Jacksonville, Cleveland, Arizona, Seattle & Green Bay have all gone the unexpected way) to even pretend to know what you’re doing; especially in the first four weeks of the season. Basically, unless you’re immensely lucky, you’re just throwing money to the house. You might as well donate money to a Clinton campaign. At least they have the nerve to out and out ask you for it.

Anyhow, we’re going to combine our fantasy recommendations along with our picks, because what we did last week was completely illogical. Everyone better hope that we start failing on these picks, because we’re never going to shut the fuck up about it otherwise.

(Home team in caps)

Tennessee -11 DETROIT
Line Pick: Detroit has lost virtually every game by over two touchdowns, and usually they weren’t playing teams that win over 90% of the time. Tennessee is coming off a blistering loss against one of three teams that will rival them for the conference title, look for them to dispose of Detroit quickly and comfortably.

Fantasy Advice: Surprisingly, I’m going to recommend starting LenDale White. I am always reluctant to do this myself, but after his blowup during the Jets game and subsequent apology, look for Jeff Fisher to give him a surplus of carries in a game that doesn’t require a breakout performance from Chris Johnson. Why do I think this will happen? Because for the most part, the Titans are ran by adults both on and off the field. They didn’t toy around with suspending, accepting, signing, cutting Pacman Jones. They drafted him, played him, he got into trouble, they suspended him; he got into trouble while suspended and they traded him to Dallas for ten cents on the dollar. Similarly, LenDale didn’t get any playing time and expressed his dissatisfaction at an inappropriate time, promptly apologized to coach Fisher and his team, now Fisher will probably reciprocate with a healthy workload tomorrow afternoon.

DALLAS -12.5 Seattle
Line Pick: Somehow, someway, Dallas is giving up more against Seattle than Tennessee is against a winless team. They’re at home, maybe? I have no idea. But if Dallas can put down San Fransisco with ease, I don’t see why they couldn’t do the same with Seattle. As much schaudenfreude as I got out of Dallas’ recent failures, I think hanging on to that win against Washington saved their season, and beating the Seahawks by 13 fits into that equation.

Fantasy Advice: Jesus, I have nary a clue as who to recommend amongst the receivers in this game. If you’re feeling desperate or worried about Plaxico Burress playing one down before retiring to the sideline for the requisite 58 minutes, I guess you could plug in either Branch or Engram going up against a still overrated secondary. On Dallas’ side, they’re all viable options but there are no guarantees. Is anyone feeling confident about Roy Williams having a big game, or Owens having two productive games in a row? Won’t Jason Garrett use Owens as a decoy this week just to show Jerry Jones what a genius he is? Not that you wouldn’t play him anyhow, but Barber will have a monstrous game if given 20+ carries.

PHILADELPHIA -3 Arizona
Line Pick: Alright, I was listening to Colin Cowherd at work today, and was absolutely stunned when Trey Wingo and/or Mark Schlereth both picked Philly to win this game. They claimed Arizona (specifically, Kurt Warner) struggles playing in cold weather and that would certainly explain the points they are giving up, but Philly has looked absolutely terrible in the past three weeks. Like, terrible past the point of redemption.
The Eagles are basically playing for not only their season, but the current makeup of their franchise. If they continue to lose like they did against Baltimore, you’re going to see McNabb be released, Reid fired (which we’re not sure we agree with) and a one or two year rebuilding process (potentially longer or shorter depending on who they bring in to coach). If you think they are up to the challenge of diverting all of that, then by all means, pick the team that tied the Bengals to cover three against a 7-4 team. Personally, I have to take the team with the second best offense in the league against a team that looks more and more like the Raiders on the offensive side of the ball, not to mention they gave up 36 points to a rookie quarterback. Take Arizona with the points.

Fantasy Advice: Breaston and Fitzgerald will thrive in this game, as they are both accustom to playing in cold weather (At Pitt and Michigan respectively); and Boldin could rack up 20 fantasy points in Libya or Antarctica. Philly, however, doesn’t offer any real dogs or reliable fantasy players. Pick up Lorenzo Booker and hope that Buckhalter and Westbrook (who are both listed as questionable) end up sitting this one out.

Enjoy the games, back Friday with the rest of these.

Hello, hello. Since we do not want to completely abandon our top five premise that served us so well for the past ten weeks or so, here are your five biggest disappointments from the past week of football. There were plenty to choose from, and we needed an extra day to actually get it down to just five. Let’s just stop the lolly-gagging and get down to it.

1) Santana Moss
My, my, how the mighty have fallen. We’ll readily admit that something is inherently wrong with your team’s play calling when you only beat the Seahawks by three, but fantasy football is about irrational vendettas against individual players. Because I can’t imagine, on what other plane of existence someone could be so guaranteed to succeed and yet fail so regularly. I’m sure your owners are, for the most part content with your season thus far. Given the unsteady nature of receivers this season, you’ve been about as good as they’ve come. But that doesn’t excuse a four catch 72 yard game with no touchdowns against one of the worst pass defenses in the league. I don’t know about anyone else, but I can’t wait for Moss here to fall back into obscurity next season. Because right now, you feel fucked if he has a great game against you, and fucked if he’s in your lineup and has a game like this one. It’s borderline unbearable.

2) Brandon Marshall
That’s two terrible games in a row now. Oakland, for as much of a clusterfuck as they are on offense, do have an underrated defense. But it’s only underrated because everyone assumes it’s amongst the worst in the league. It’s really about average. So congrats, you racked up 4 catches for 84 yards against an average defense and a terrible franchise. I’m willing to bank on the fact that you underrated it too, and are over-confident that you’ll make the playoffs because of your unfathomably terrible division, and you’re probably right. But considering you’re now regarded as a top fantasy receiver, I can’t imagine how many games were decided by this dismal performance.

I prefer my Marshall's to be ominous universities in West Virginia.

3) Chris Johnson
I’m not going to lie, I never thought we’d put his name up here. This guy has been beastly in his rookie season, but this is two games now he’s been thoroughly exposed, and this time it cost his team their first loss of the season. It wasn’t entirely his fault, the receivers all turning into Braylon Edwards didn’t really help matters. But no one is expecting a receiving corps. spearheaded by Justin Gage to look like the ‘98 Vikings, and your 46 yards and lost fumble aren’t really helping matters. In short, you failed miserably and now have everyone predicting your team loses to the Colts and falls short of the Superbowl.

4) Jonathan Stewart
You probably don’t belong here, but this is personal. You actually start to get carries and albeit it was against the Lions in week 11. So we thought, what the hell? His ceiling is relatively high and if he’s actually getting carries in a game they were losing, surely I can expect the same amount of touches and relatively similar productivity against a divisional foe, right? Wrong. Like, fifteen total yards, wrong. His honky fucking quarterback managed to out-rush him and scamper in for a touchdown. For fuck’s sake, how does a team put up 28 points and their first round rookie running back only manage fifteen yards? In 2008? Oh, that’s right. They were on the road. Heaven forbid I expect a solid game when you have thousands of people hoping otherwise. I forgot about the delicate sensibilities of the NFC South.

5) Roy Williams
Anyone capable of cognitive thought knew that the Cowboys were giving up entirely too much for you. And while I’m sure everyone appreciates you proving them right, you still have fantasy owners to consider here. When your team only needs 3 catches for 36 yards out of you drop 35 on the Niners, you might want to rethink how vital you really are to any team success over the past…well, your entire career. Part of it isn’t your fault, that team is loaded with passing options (Barber, Witten, Owens, Crayton), but you were a at worst a fifth round pick, now that you’re on a semi-functional team its time to start acting like it.

Back with previews of the three games tomorrow.

Well, I hope everyone who owns any Saints feels vindicated. Even Marques Colston manage to make his week 12 performance look respectable. In short, when a team drops fifty-one points in a Monday nighter, everyone involved should be happy. Including those who put money on the over, against the line and any fantasy owners. I’m pretty sure that if they played every game in New Orleans, they’d win the Superbowl.

If you’re looking for assistance on how to set your roster for fantasy football, a team’s record is a good indicator. What style of defense do they struggle against? Are they reliable against good defenses? Do they perform consistently? Does injury to the starting running back effect the quarterback and vice versa? In other words, what have these teams shown you that can assist you in making an educated guess about setting your roster?

We keep repeating it, but look at the NFC South and their road record vs. their home record. All four teams. The collective home record is 20-2, versus a road record of 8-14. Now, most teams are more comfortable at home and their is usually evidence to support that, but these numbers are abnormally lopsided. Not to mention that some of the road wins include the Bucs needing overtime to beat the 1-10 Chiefs (also a road win against them from the Saints) and the Bears, Two more of them come from the Panthers against the Raiders and a last second win against the Chargers, and a three point win from the Falcons at Lambeau. Basically the NFC south has turned into the SEC.

Admittedly, it's not an easy place to win at.

All six of the aforementioned road wins were tightly contested and for the most part low to average scoring. If they go a different way, you’re looking at a 2-20 record on the road, the exact opposite of their collective home record. What this generally tells you, is if you have any fantasy players on either the Saints, Panthers, Falcons or Buccaneers and they have a road game that week, unless it is against an incredibly shitty defense (and even then Tampa managed to lose to Denver on the road), I recommend seeking out alternatives. Sure, their are mainstays that you always start like Brees or Steve Smith, but the Muhammad’s, Garcia’s, Colston’s, Jenkins’ and Moore’s of the world are replaceable on any given Sunday. Or Thursday, Saturday or Monday.

Other than that, there wasn’t much else to take away from the game. Green Bay will fluctuate in performance every week just like Chicago and Minnesota, and it will come down to a tiebreaker to determine who wins the division. I hope the NFL is happy with their salary structure. It could literally be a coin flip to determine who makes the post-season and no one could really complain. I missed the post-game analysis, but I imagine everyone was claiming Green Bay is going to miss the playoffs in favor of either Minnesota or Chicago because they’re “too young” or something, despite the fact they split the season with Minnesota and mercilessly devastated the Bears two weeks ago. One has to love the failed long-term memory of 90% of NFL talking heads.

Hopefully back later with something.

Well, that wasn’t half bad. In case you were wondering or even happened to notice, we made picks against the line last week just to see how we would fare and to have it documented for public consumption. So far, we’re 9-4-2. We whiffed on the Jets-Titans game with glorious incompetence and the game we were most confident (i.e. obnoxious) about (Chargers-Colts) actually ended up being a push, but seem to have a pretty solid understanding of the league with five weeks left in it. You’re welcome.

At this point, I’m just beginning to feel bad for Chargers fans. The day they lost that game to Denver on the blown Hochuli call, I drunk off my ass at 3:30 in the morning playing poker at Caesar’s with a slew of disheartened Chargers fans who were feeling trepidation about the season current season. I did my best to reassure them of their team’s talent, poise and budding superstar quarterback, and that would be enough to carry them into the playoffs even with the one horrendously close loss.

Well, if you were watching the game last night and paying even an iota of attention to Al Michaels, you would have heard him on one of the 132 times he mentioned it that the Chargers have now lost four games this season within the final 30 seconds of regulation. When you play only sixteen games a season, that will cost you. Because the parity being what it is, you’re not going to be competitive in every game. Occasionally you will lose decisively.

When you lose over a quarter of your games scheduled (with five to go) in heartbreaking fashion, you’re going to miss the post-season. If they win out the best they can do is 9-7 and given that their defense looks like something from a Varsity Blues opponent, I wouldn’t be too optimistic about their chances. Not to antagonize, but if it makes you feel any better, 9-7 probably isn’t getting you in the playoffs anyhow.

At least there's something to distract you from your crushing home losses.

Other than that, we learned a few things going into Thanksgiving. Namely, that the Giants are unquestionably the best team in the NFL right now, and barring injury should almost coast to the Superbowl. It warrants mentioning that barring injury isn’t exactly some little caveat for this team. Yesterday they handled what is arguably a top five team in the league right now, on the road, and without their two best playmakers in Brandon Jacobs and Plaxico Burress. Basically, the only players that whose losses would set them back gravely are Manning and Tuck. But for how injury prone this team is, it seems like that cloud is eventually going to start raining on their least expendable offensive and defensive players.

Shit, Tuck wouldn’t be nearly as integral as he is if Osi was playing this season, but that is just a testament to coaching that they can have as shallow a bench as they did yesterday and still be dominant. Outside of one inexplicable curb stomping at the hands of the completely inept Browns, this team looks poised to repeat.

The march to unsuspecting mediocrity continues in the NFC South, as each and every team proves incapable of playing on the road. The Panthers got down 17-0 before eventually giving up 45 points to a rookie quarterback and a running back who doesn’t break 5′10. Bang up job, guys. You want to know why they lost and their offense was so inept in the first half? Because Jake Delhomme wasn’t exactly making a point to spread the ball around. He completed 21 passes on the day, over a third of which were to Steve Smith. If your defense is going to play so tentatively, then you have to match them point for point and actually diversify your targets, not just throw 15 balls to the same receiver. So yeah, eat a bag of dicks, Delhomme.

/Muhsin Muhammad owner rant. Sure he caught a touchdown, but it was in the final minutes of the game and was noticeably under-utilized for the first fifty-five.

Ugliest game of the week goes to the Philadelphia Eagles, who also took home the prize for most dysfunctional and most indifferent. Congrats on the big week, guys. If you could, I would like McNabb, Westbrook and Andy Reid to apologize to every fantasy owner who put their faith in your clearly chaotic organization, only to see you throw Kevin Kolb to the wolves on the road against a top five NFL defense. You guys are obviously missing the playoffs, but your defense could at least contain Baltimore to under 30 points. You just made Joe Flacco look like Joe Montana, and that he most certainly is not. Good luck with all your draft picks next year. Maybe you’ll land yourself Michael Crabtree. But since it is now apparent you’ll need a new quarterback to throw to him, maybe you’ll land Chase Daniels as well.

Speaking of awards, our Tim Hightower/Peyton Hillis/Mark Bradley award this week goes to…Harry Douglas. Harry, a rookie who played his college ball at Louisville and never really got on the field until Bobby Petrino left (and who ironically sort of sent his current team into a downward spiral), managed to get rack up one rushing touchdown (despite playing with Jerius Norwood and Michael Turner), one punt return for a touchdown and 92 yards on four receptions all in one day. Congratulations to Harry, and the people who started him in leagues composed of 24+ teams.

In short, it was a great week to own aging receivers (Owens, Randy Moss, Coles & in an entirely different spectrum of aging, Isaac Bruce), undersized running backs (Kevin Faul, Warrick Dunn, Michael Turner, and DeAngelo Williams) and quarterbacks you probably didn’t start unless you drafted Tom Brady or are in a league that doesn’t fit within the parameters of your compute monitor (Shaun Hill, Chad Pennington, Matt Cassel, Tyler Thigpen, Trent Edwards and to a lesser extent, Jake Delhomme). If you were wondering, I just named 15 of the top 25 scorers for week 12 of the 2008 fantasy football season. In short, it was basically like every other week, with names scheduled to change unaccordingly.

Back tomorrow with more.

Here’s the second part (not really a half) of your fantasy football recommendations. Part 1 is directly below this post, or, here.

Oakland @ Denver
Jay Cutler, Brandon Marshall, Eddie Royale should all have stellar games at home. I wouldn’t go near anyone on Oakland outside of whichever running back is set to get the majority of the carries, that is if you can make sense out of that team. Taking a baseball bat to a beehive is a more tenable situation than the Raiders franchise. I get the feeling that within the next five years they’re going to end up playing in Vancouver.

Feeling appreciative today.

Washington @ Seattle
Like we said yesterday, the only thing Seattle has going for them in this one is they’re playing at home. We like Washington to cover and for Portis to have a big enough game that they plug Betts in their for a good amount of carries in the second half. On the flip side of the ball, look for Deon Branch to find a garbage touchdown in the dumpster that is the Washington sports scene.

NY Giants @ Arizona
This is the only game that’s even watchable for the 4pm slate and its the game of the week. Actually, we do not have it documented or anything, but it might be the best week 12 game in the history of week 12 games. Expect Arizona to be forced to throw to Breaston more often than not, and for The Giants to open their offense a bit more than weeks past and go downfield to Burress and others (Hixon, Tyree, Toomer). Not to sure we won’t see a few picks from each quarterback in this one.

Carolina @ Atlanta
I like Michael Turner and Michael Jenkins to post big numbers in this one. Since all these NFC South teams turn into the Lions when they’re on the road, I can’t recommend anyone on Carolina other than Jonathan Stewart, who is about four weeks past due from taking over the starting running back position.

Indianapolis @ San Diego
All of the mainstays on Indy should have solid games. I am so down on this San Diego team I’ll go ahead and say you should pick up Darren Sproles for next season. Maybe Gates or Chambers can come through and deliver for their disgruntled fantasy owners, but this Indy defense is actually rather tenacious with Bob Sanders in the lineup. I say this needing a big game out of Vincent Jackson.

Green Bay @ New Orleans
I say this as an owner of his, if you have a viable alternative, do not start Marques Colston. Everyone likes the idea of a fail safe on Monday night and the Saints are at home, but trust me on this. He hasn’t practiced all week, his knee is still bothering him and New Orleans has plenty of options at receiver between Moore, Meachem and Henderson. Naturally, this means I will watch my own player catch 100 yards and two TD’s on Monday night, but I’m fine with that.

Enjoy the games.

Late, late start this morning. So late that its now the afternoon. Whatever. We’re extending our weekend preview so it’s a little more comprehensive and doesn’t feel like we’re just pulling names out of a hat. Here’s who to look out for and who to avoid in each game on Sunday.

Tampa Bay @ Detroit
Not a lot of muscle in this one. Detroit starts an overweight receiver who was retired as of three weeks ago, and Tampa’s starting a running back who’d been on injured reserve for the past 18 months. Probably the best your’re doing out of this game is Tampa’s defense, followed closely by Calvin Johnson. There are several dark horses and it is anyone’s guess if someone emerges from Joey Galloway, Shaun McDonald, Kevin Smith, Antonio Bryant or Mike Furrey. Garcia could piece together a solid game as well, but no one is on bye week anymore so there’s no reason to care.

The best the league has to offer.

NY Jets @ Tennessee
Plenty of players here but two stingy defenses. None the less, we like Chris Johnson and Justin Cage to break off pretty big weeks. On the Jets side, expect Dustin Keller to extend his run of solid games as Favre is going to be rushed like crazy, and he seems to be settling into a comfort zone with his tight end. Thomas Jones has been coming on strong lately but this Tennessee defense rarely gives up good games to running backs. As for the Jets receivers, Favre distributes rather evenly between Stuckey, Cotchery & Coles. It’s anyones guess who actually comes through with a big game.

Buffalo @ Kansas City
Good lord, what a fucking eyesore. I’d probably rather watch the MLS title game. Well, that’s not entirely true. I don’t want to start saying things I can’t take back. But who does this game appeal to outside of diehard fans for the two franchises? Anyhow, look for Dwayne Bowe and Marshawn Lynch to rack up some points. Fred Jackson (whose college is listed as “Coe”) is a good contingency plan for your deeper leagues.

Chicago @ St. Louis
Matt Forte. And with no Stephen Jackson, the best we can recommend is Donnie Avery for a 12 person league. We can’t recommend anyone on that offense be used regularly otherwise until Jackson comes back.

New England @ Miami
People are going crazy acquiring Jabbar Gaffney & Benjamin Watson after last weeks game. Listen, if Matt Cassel has to throw for over 400 yards for those two to produce respectable numbers, then I wouldn’t expect it to be a regular occurence. You are better off going with Keller, Miller or Boss as supplemental tight ends. On Miami’s side, Ted Ginn has really started to come along accordingly, and Greg Caramillo is their new Wes Welker. Their old Wes Welker doesn’t catch touchdowns and might be rendered worthless if you’re not getting points per receptions.

Minnesota @ Jacksonville
Adrian Peterson is almost guaranteed to rip off 150 yards rushing on Sunday, so I’d start him. That’s my expert opinion. Other than that, I’d stay away from all Jacksonville and Minnesota receivers unless Matt Jones is still waiting on appeal and you are in a 18 person league. Maybe you could start Bernard Berrian under circumstances that allow for more options, but in a ten person league I guarantee there is a better option on your waiver wire.

Philadelphia & Baltimore
Man, outside of the obvious we really can’t recommend anyone from this game. Obviously you start McGahee and Westbrook, but we can’t adamantly suggest anyone else. Maybe DeSean Jackson or Derrick Mason. I don’t know, pick your poison. One recommendation I do have: be ready to pull the trigger on Corell Buckhalter and snag him off waivers before anyone else. I’d just go queue it up right now, honestly.

Houston @ Cleveland
Based on what Lynch and Jackson did to Cleveland last week, I’d plug Slaton into your flex and not look back. Quietly as it’s kept, Kevin Walter is in the top twenty receivers regardless of how you score your fantasy league so he is a definite as well as Johnson. As for Cleveland, I’d expect big weeks from Winslow & Edwards, but since I have no idea whose going to be quarterbacking the team ten minutes into the first I can’t really do that. Question: How can Romo break his pinkie finger and be sidelined for a month, while Quinn can break his index and play two days later?

San Fransisco @ Dallas
Vernon Davis should be poised to light up this Dallas secondary, Gore should also have his usual 90 yards and a touchdown performance. Dallas is spread almost too thin between Owens, Austin, Crayton, Witten and Williams, but depending on the depth of your league there is an outside shot that every single one of them will start in your league this week. Really the only expectations we have on that side of the ball is for Barber to rack up about 1,000 points, and for Tashard Choice (the understated rookie out of Georgia Tech) to get about twenty percent of the carries, one of which may or may not go for a touchdown, making him a viable starter in a 14 person league.

Just like yesterday, we’re going to break this up into two posts: the 1pm games and the 4pm through Monday night games.

This is our second post of NFL picks for the upcoming weekend, you can read the first half here. Or just scroll down for a millisecond, whichever seems more logical to you.

(Home team in caps)

DENVER -9.5 Oakland
Oakland is actually the safer bet here. If they can score over 20 points against anyone just by controlling the ball and not committing errant turnovers, it’s Denver. That Broncos defense is about as imposing as a mouse to a lion, I don’t think I’ve ever seen one team so lopsided on the two sides of the ball. They’ll still win and it won’t be as nearly close as it seems, but expect Oakland to get in the endzone a couple times just by ripping off 15 yard chunks on the ground with whichever running back(s) are not injured this week.

ATLANTA -1 Carolina
These NFC south teams are ridiculously even and the road team always gets shellacked. Not to mention Carolina really should have lost the last two weeks against Detroit and Oakland, because those two teams are that fucking horrendous. Take Atlanta for the win, unless you expect Carolina to win out this season on one of the greater lucky streaks akin to the Ravens circa 2006.

New York Giants -3 ARIZONA
Game of the week by any measure. Great offenses, the best front seven in the league and the dog is at home. The Giants are the better team amongst these two (and we are always rooting for them, what with our 20/1 bet on them to win the Superbowl), but the Cards are playing possessed (particularly on offense). Personally, I see New York holding court and coming out of the desert with a win, but we’re not going to be surprised if Eli Manning of 2006 resurrects for one of those spontaneous 3 interception games.

Washington -3 SEATTLE
Take Washington. Sure, Seattle has Branch and Hasselbeck back, but neither are at full capacity. Other than that, the only thing Seattle has going for them is that they’re at home, and Washington has to contend with rowdy north-westerners. But if you recall, The Skins won all three divisional road games and although they never blow anyone out, winning by four is a modest victory by anyone’s definition. Actually, the way the NFL is going these days that will start to look like a blowout.

SAN DIEGO -3 Indianapolis
Am I missing something here? Indy is actually getting points? Why, because they have to fly cross country. I’ll grant you that going east to west fucks one up a lot more than vice-versa, but this San Diego team just looks like they don’t give a shit. Is it just the lack of Merriman? Is Tomlinson getting old? Is the O-line disappointing? I have no idea because I live in Columbus and have only had maybe one Chargers game available to me all season. Still, I only have one rule: when a Manning led Colts team has ripped off 3 straight impressive wins and they are playing in prime time against a 4-6 team, I’m taking the Colts.

NEW ORLEANS -2.5 Green Bay
No idea, but if forced to choose I am taking the Saints. All these NFC teams seem to struggle stringing together two impressive wins and the Packers just baptized the Bears last Sunday. Despite the Saints seeming ineptitude as of late, of all the teams in the NFL, they’re the most dysfunctional on the road relative to at home. And this game is at home. I’d give the points, though I think the Packers are the superior team in almost every way. Sadly, with the NFL, that doesn’t seem to matter anymore.

Back to fantasy tomorrow, where I doll out half-assed recommendations.

There isn’t much to say about tonight’s game from a fantasy perspective. Unless you have Houshmenzadeh or Willie Parker, you’re probably reluctant to start anyone from either of these teams given recent and/or season long performances. The circumstances being what they are, naturally you’re feeling a little more confident with Steelers on your roster than Bengals. But Roethlisberger spreads the ball out so much and has been playing so poorly as of late, plugging Nate Washington, Heinz Ward, Santonio Holmes or Roethlisberger himself brings out a little trepidation in your average fantasy owner.

The Bengals have no recourse for fantasy outside of Housh. At this point I’m benching Chad Johnson in favor of some middle-tier player like Donald Driver or Vincent Jackson. The running game is atrocious. Somehow they’ve managed to end up with both running backs from the past two seasons that were each getting over 70% of the carries for their team, but still no one wanted in Cedric Benson (last season with the Bears) and Chris Perry (beginning of this season). No one not in a sixteen person league that starts two quarterbacks is playing Kirk Fitzpatrick, and even then one might feel inclined to start Matt Leinart and hope for a Kurt Warner finger injury.

Really, the safest bet for fantasy in the matchup is Pittsburgh’s D (which should just decimate that Bengals offensive line and receiving corps.), followed closely by Jeff Reed (As far as kickers go, he should have a fairly stellar game).

This is Jeff Reed...Never have we felt better about not having any fantasy players in a sort of but not really televised game.

So, with that in mind, we’re going to try something new and pick the games this week against the line. Considering fantasy is just an abridged form of gambling (at least for most people, participating in a fantasy league with no buy-in really shouldn’t be done by anyone over the age of 15), we’re going to consider this loosely fitting for the URL of this website.

A few words of advice, we never gamble on the NFL when we are in Vegas. The parity and unpredictability of the NFL that we harp on so regularly is basically the reason why. When Houston can beat Indy and no one is even remotely surprised, it says something about the nature of gambling on it. That is, you might as well play roulette. We recommend gambling on the NBA, college football and basketball if you ever head to the desert. But since this is an NFL site, we’ll at least stay in the same league as what we’re supposed to be ranting about.

(Home team in caps)

Cincinnati +10.5 PITTSBURGH
At home used to mean something for Pittsburgh, but back to back losses to Indy and Washington make this line actually tricky. In short, we have to take Pitt and lay the points because you never want to put your money in the hands of a Bengals team starting Kirk Fitzpatrick on the road. But I wouldn’t feel confident about either one. If you are looking for an overloaded cheap parlay, take Pitt and hope Jonathan Joseph continues to drop interceptions.

CLEVELAND -3 Houston
Jesus Christ. So a team that came within a wide right Bills field goal of setting an NFL record for blown leads, that is starting what is basically a rookie quarterback, is giving up three to Houston? Yes. And what’s even worse, I am taking them to cover. If I take Houston I am relying on a huge performance from either Andre Johnson or Steve Slaton, considering they’re relying on one of two inept quarterbacks and a shaky offensive line, I’m taking the home team and laying the points.

DALLAS -10 San Fransisco
Vegas has really excelled at setting these lines. This feels like suicide, but I’m taking San Fran to cover. They have an underrated defense, a quarterback that can get Vernon Davis the ball and one that Mike Singletary won’t start marinating for dinner at halftime; and Dallas just hasn’t impressed me, even in the road win against Washington. We do not trust Romo and his busted right pinkie and think the receivers are tremendously overrated (Specifically Owens, though never underestimate the power of imagined slights when it comes to angry wide receivers and former teams). Not to mention Jason Garrett’s “genius” has yet to inspire. We’ll go against the grain and take the points with the Niners.

Tampa Bay -8.5 DETROIT
Ugh, we think the blown win against Carolina took whatever wind Detroit may have had left in their sails and believe this team is going 0-16. Tampa’s vying for the division and a wild card, trust that Gruden is not going to let them blow this game. Take Tampa, and feel like shit when they win by seven.

TENNESSEE -6.5 New York Jets
The Titans have been great against the spread this season. They are probably the most efficient team, still undefeated and are maximizing their talent unlike anyone I’ve seen this year. Sure, the Jets pulled off an improbable win against the Pats, but the Patriots defense fluctuates in performance and I don’t think the Jets have the horses to contend with those running backs and O-line from the Titans. Lay the points and wait for Indy to beat them the second time around.

Buffalo -3 KANSAS CITY
This is a good litmus test for both teams. Whoever loses could very well lose out the last six weeks. We’re taking Buffalo but this is exactly the type of game that Herm Edwards pulls out of his ass. My advice is to stay away from it.

Chicago -8.5 ST. LOUIS
St. Louis is back to their JV ways without Stephen Jackson, Scott Linehan can take a sigh of relief in that he’s not as bad as everyone initially thought. Lay the points. Chicago will bounce back from the drubbing they took from the Packers.

MIAMI -1.5 New England
This is a tough one because you’re basically picking a winner. New England under Belichick is 16-1 after losses. But if Cassel can throw for over 400 yards and they still lose, under what circumstances do they beat a Miami team with a pretty sick pass rush? Miami’s a middle-tier team at home and they feel due for a loss after that close one against Oakland. I say take the point and go with the road team.

JACKSONVILLE -2.5 Minnesota
Two teams with overrated defenses that can’t throw the ball. Flipping a coin is going to make this decision a lot easier, but we’ll take the team with the better running game along with the points in the Vikings. Expect a close one since both coaches are basically playing for their jobs at this point.

BALTIMORE -1.5 Philadelphia
If it wasn’t for last week we would take the Eagles in a heartbeat. But something was exposed along the way and with Westbrook still limping around, we’re taking the Ravens who start the rookie quarterback from a 1-AA school to beat our favorite team. God help us.

Alright, since there are no byes from last week on out, we’re going to break this off into two posts and cover the 4pm EST. games through the Monday night game in a second post later today.

We skipped this feature last week due to an abundance of average to great performances from players who are supposed to perform. Expecting such performances two weeks in a row would be lunacy. So here are five players that quite possibly ruined your Sunday.

1) Brian Westbrook
We mentioned it before, but when all you can really say about his performance on Sunday against the Bengals is he wasn’t listed as questionable, then we might have some problems. To only manage 71 total yards and no touchdowns against that worse than shaky Bengals defense…we’re starting to wonder about your longevity. We will give you this, unlike Tomlinson, you have virtually no firepower surrounding you sans for a hot and cold rookie wide receiver, and the play calling for that game in particular was atrocious. But still, make better use of your touches to at least get your owners 15 points. You’re supposed to be a stalwart, not some quivering aging running back with nothing left in the tank. Get it together, man.

I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt, Westbrook, and just assume you were distracted.

2) Adrian Peterson
You’re lucky your good days are so breathtaking because we can’t stay mad at you. But 85 yards and -3 yards receiving? Are you fucking kidding me? This is what I get for my top three pick? Congrats on costing your team and dire sports city the game. Sure they rely on you too much but it’s for a reason. Shit, they could have thrown in Chester Taylor and gotten this type of production.

3) Andre Johnson
It’s personal between me and you, son. I go out of my way to make room for you in my salary cap league. I think, hey, they’re playing the Colts, how bad could he possibly be? Well, the answer is 4 catches for 55 yards. I hope it’s fun playing for a laughing stock for your entire career. Nothing like getting absolutely pwned by the same three teams in your division twice a year for the rest of eternity. We’ve had three quarterbacks now to make you look respectable, and your consistency is non-existent with any of them. We’ve made excuses for a long while on your behalf, but are beginning to believe you’re at least part of the problem.

4) Santana Moss
You were bound to cool off eventually given the nature of the offense you play in. But 5 catches for 29 yards against that broken and depleted Dallas secondary, that’s all you have to offer these days? If your goal is to validate our pre-set notions about you: bang-up job. If it’s to restore the faith in your apologists, well, you failed miserably.

5) Kellen Winslow
You’re lucky there were so many ungodly terrible performances this week, because we almost threw up watching you play which usually warrants a top spot. But we were about one more dry heave away from going to ER as a result of (amongst others) the four above you. Personally, I was playing against you this week so I was all the better for your 3 catches for 40 yards. But couldn’t help but feel a tinge of sympathy for my opponent who needed Soulja boy to outscore Braylon “dwarf hands” Edwards by six. You should have seen how confident he was on Monday morning and just devastated on Tuesday.

It for now, hope to post again later.

I for one am always hesitant to draft rookies going into a fantasy season. Generally speaking, there is a significant learning curve for everyone coming into a new offense, and to a lesser extent a new defense. Sure there have been exceptions, most notably Adrian Peterson last season and before him Randy Moss, who coincidentally both came into the league with the Vikings. But for the most part, it has been considered something of an enigma to have a rookie putting up monster fantasy numbers, particularly in the first half of the season.

But we could fill up a bakers dozen of sufficiently worded posts about the number of rookies this year that would be considered assets. It’s astonishing, really; and speaks to the nature of this season’s unpredictability. Look, every season for the past five years has been fairly rattled by the hard salary cap and led to a lot of unexpected performances, playoff teams and everything else. But this season has been off the charts.

In terms of the season, a lot of that is due to the two stalwarts, the Colts and Patriots, getting off to slow starts and being decimated by injury and old age. That rendered the AFC wide open until Tennessee came through with a 40 year-old quarterback and has ran the first 11 weeks of the season undefeated. With their supposed future of the franchise riding the pine. This is not anything, anyone could have expected, despite the fact they made the playoffs. Not to mention that the Jags, along with the Browns, Chargers and Broncos have all failed to live up to the standard that everyone set for them for various reasons.

A lot of Tennessee’s success is due to, well, it is mostly defense. Guys like Haynesworth and Finnegan have lofted that D to an unsung level. But on the offensive side, no one could have expected Chris Johnson to be as effective as he’s been from week one. At this point, LenDale White is virtually obsolete, because whenever I watch Johnson run a goal line carry he always gets into the end zone. Always. At this point, White is basically a light burden on the payroll that alleviates some of the wear and tear that Johnson would otherwise endure.

Obligatory.

In the NFC, we have teams like Tampa, Carolina, Washington, Atlanta and Arizona all exceeding expectations. Atlanta and Arizona most notably. What do those two have in common? Rookies excelling in the backfield. Matt Ryan is actually on a lot of short lists for MVP consideration (though he’ll never win it) as he has led the Falcons to a 6-4 record after coming off a season mired by controversy. Actually, corruption would probably be a more fitting term. Controversy implies that someone was actually defending Mike Vick or Bobby Petrino.

Tim Hightower has done to Edgerrin James what Chris Johnson has done to LenDale White, except Whizenhunt isn’t giving James the benefit of getting the cheap touchdowns. He’s touched the ball maybe four times in the past three games, all on random third down plays when they were just playing for field position. Of all the rookies changing the landscape of the NFL, Hightower’s is the most surprising. For one, he really has a white person’s name. Secondly, he went to Richmond. Personally — though I doubt I’m alone in this — I had no idea the Spiders even fielded a football team. The Cardinals have been such a non-entity in the NFL for the past, well, sixty years or so; how does one not root for them as a franchise?

We could go on and on about all the rookies that are having a significant positive impact on their franchises and (depending on your perspective) and adverse impact on the fantasy season. So instead of dragging this thing out we’ll just list them (In addition to the three above):
Joe Flacco
Matt Forte
BenJarvus Green-Ellis
Peyton Hillis
Felix Jones
Darren McFadden
Jonathan Stewart
Kevin Smith (Though to be honest, no one is doing much to improve the state of affairs over at Lions camp)
DeSean Jackson
Steve Slaton
Fred Jackson
Eddie Royale
Dustin Keller

That’s fifteen if you include the three mentioned above, and we didn’t even mention Rashard Mendenhall, who would have well over 100 fantasy points if he were healthy. Nor did we mention Tyler Thigpen, who though technically a rookie was drafted in 2007. never the less, he has earned the starting position until the next time Kansas City takes another unsuitable quarterback high in the draft.

We’re not sure if this is a trend or just an aberration in an already screwy NFL season. Whatever it is, we are probably going to over-prioritize drafting rookies in 2009 as Michael Crabtree fails to average more than 30 yards a game because he has JaMarcus Russell throwing to him and Beanie Wells can’t break 50 yards a game because the Chiefs couldn’t block a nerf arrow. But it now has to be taken into consideration when drafting for your fantasy team. Just one more caveat for you to fuck up on.

A hectic morning and a trip to the chiropractor to adjust my fucked up from sitting in a car for 16 hours this weekend back, have pushed back the regular time for our Monday recap. My apologies for that. It must be rough on all of you, when my back is in excruciating pain and you have to wait a couple hours for a shitty blog post about fantasy football as a result. Again, terribly sorry.

Our discomfort personified.

Anyways, now that we’re here, lets retread the format we usually do this in (sprawling nonsensical and deliberately ill-informed opinions about the state of the NFL and fantasy football) and switch something a little more traditional: Things from Sunday that may have pissed you off and things that put a smile on your face. This isn’t everything worth reporting from the week. Nor it will be our last post about it. Also yes, we are aware of the inverted logic here. Just go with it, OK?

Things that pissed you off:

-The continued public humiliation that everyone who drafted Marques Colston has been subjected to for the past eleven weeks. He makes a good show of it last week, catching 7 balls for 140 yards (we saw later that he dropped a touchdown, but that is still an immensely respectable fantasy performance), instigating all owners to plug him into the starting lineup this week. Naturally, he can only find it in his arsenal to produce 3 catches for 30 yards. Christ, he would have done most of us a huge favor if he hadn’t played. But going up against Kansas City and coming off his first good week of the season, the allure was too tempting for a real breakout game. You know, one where he actually gets in the end zone.

-Eagles fans, Westbrook & McNabb owners. You just tied against one of the five worst teams in the entire league because you couldn’t manage so much as a field goal attempt in overtime against a historically bad defense. McNabb, Westbrook & Andy Reid’s play-calling (or play call approving) are a significant reason why. Never the less, I can’t even fathom that Eagles fans actually want Reid fired. That seems crazy to me given the lack of firepower he is given on the offensive side of the ball. Since he has been the head coach there, he has had four players make the pro bowl: Westbrook and McNabb multiple times, Terrell Owens for the first year they had him and Chad Lewis in 1999. That’s it. He’s basically the Jeff Fisher of the NFC and a good chunk of the supposed fan base wants him out. Unreal.

-My advice. God, are you a fucking idiot. If you look at my two posts guessing what would happen this past week, then you would know that the outliers are the guys who actually came through. This is why we try to post any actual advice with a degree of hesitancy. Because while we might have staunch opinions about what may or may not take place, we’re fairly certain that our knowledge of the NFL is about as thorough as the hammer to the knee thing is when testing for cancer. That is, you might want to be a little more investigative and get a second opinion before you conclude anything.

Things That Put A Smile On Your Face:

-The continued emergence of Peyton Manning. I actually know people who cut him earlier in the season. Not traded, outright cut from their roster. Peyton Manning. This really shouldn’t be such a surprise, but everyone associated with the NFL is acting like they never saw this coming. “OMG, I can’t believe arguably the greatest quarterback ever rebounded from a slow start! Whouda thunk it?“. Since week five he has gone for over 200 yards and at least two touchdowns in every game. Well done, people who cut him for Kyle Orton. You just balanced out your already balanced league a little more.

-Anyone in a two quarterback league who started Matt Cassel or Kerry Collins. While you have all the reason to be ecstatic about you foresight and subsequent fortune I have this to say: Fuck off. You are benefiting from a season that excels in mediocrity and spontaneity and rewards the lucky as opposed to the skilled. We hope you enjoyed your week. But we also hope that Vince Young tears Kerry Collins head off and that Matt Cassel is signed to an overpriced contract next season that devastates your favorite team.

-Peyton Hillis. That is, if you actually trusted Denver enough to acquire him and put him in your starting lineup. Unfortunately for any of you who actually did that, we regret to report that Denver recently acquired to supplement their running game with the regularly disappointing league nomad Tatum Bell, most likely because Shanahan fucking loathes people who play fantasy football. Even though his contract would be a fraction of what it currently is without the vested fan interest. Other than that, all we can say is I hope Hillis loads his luggage with iron weights.

We’re foregoing a recap of last night’s hotly contested game that took place on Neptune. Apparently they can only get a decent cable connection from Venus to Ganymede. Anyhow, we have to get on the road so lets get right to this, here are five options to consider when setting your starting lineup for Sunday.

1) Donnie Avery
They’re playing the Niners this weekend and you might be somewhat weary of putting him in after the looked relatively strong on defense on Monday. Well, first of all, the Niners gave up 29 points, so your perception is skewed like Dan Snyder’s perception of the salary cap. Secondly, even if the Niners did shut down the run better than expected, they gave up huge fantasy games to Breaston, Fitzgerald and especially Boldin. If Avery is like anyone on Arizona, it’s Boldin, and he’s also in between their second and third option, so he should gets some touches. At least more so than the past couple weeks.

2) Muhsin Muhammad
He’s been tinkering with mediocrity as of late, and barely put up a respectable game last week despite catching a touchdown. But who do they have this week? The Lions. The same team that is almost destined to go winless. The same team that appears to have lost its collective will and is unable to rebound. Enter one of the more overlooked second receivers in the league.

3) Matt Ryan
This has all the makings to send the Ryan for MVP talk into overdrive. At home, against Denver, coming off a big win and looking down the road to an easy schedule. Yeah, I see Ryan not only “game managing” this one, but taunting the already starving Denver defense with a smorgasboard of points, like everyone does every week, except for Cleveland in the fourth quarter of last Thursday’s contest.

Does anyone actually buy these calendars?

4) DeSean Jackson
One word: Cincinnati. He sort of came out of hibernation last week to rush for a touchdown and tally four catches for 61 yards, but there is no telling what a guy with his speed is capable of doing to an anemic defense like Cinncy’s. Assuming he doesn’t spike the ball before crossing into the wrong endzone, we like him as a starter this week. In fact, just throw the entire Eagles roster into your lineup if possible, Shaun Andrews is even 3/1 to recover a fumble and run it in for a touchdown.

5) LenDale White
The beast is back, and ready to plow over the suddenly paltry Jacksonville defense like Ralphie May sumo-wrestling a toddler. Assuming the diabetes doesn’t take his site before Sunday’s game, we see not only a couple goal line touchdowns for the USC alum, but also some yard production. Just be weary of any distracting meals being consumed near his sideline. Things can get ugly when LenDale’s blood sugar is low.

Probably it for the week. Enjoy the games.

I’m pretty sure that being disinterested in tonight’s Thursday night matchup is a direct result of the scorn and disdain I have for ESPN’s NFL coverage. After watching yet another ego-stroke for the league that goes by the name of “NFL Live”, I’ve come to the conclusion it has everything that they love: A media invented rivalry (this is obvious since they pretty much are the sports media) in Mangini and Belichick, Brett Favre, northeast franchises, and a whole slew of players that we’ve all never heard of or know nothing about because 99% of NFL players are treated like amply compensated automatons, devoid of anything interesting to say.

Maybe that’s for a reason, I have no idea. Either way we resent this match-up as it is portrayed as “can’t miss television”, especially when we have no access to it outside of patronizing a bar, something we can’t stand doing on weekdays (our tolerance is diminishing for it on the weekends as well). So we’d just like to offer a resounding fuck off to the NFL, their network, ESPN, Peter King and every other schmuck-face meathead who paints his face, spends money he doesn’t have and loses his grip on reality all in the name of humoring the machine.

Also, it probably doesn’t help that we do not have any fantasy players in tonight’s contest.

But can’t it just be one game out of many throughout the course of the season? Why is everything in the NFL so uber-serious? I can’t think of a single mainstream pundit so much as cracking a smile or giving any indication they enjoy how mindless and entertaining their jobs are. Every time I watch an NFL pregame show all I can think is that everyone just needs to settle down. I’ve never taken anything as seriously in my life as Peter King takes Jets fans level of appreciation for Brett Favre. I understand that giving informed analysis is the general job description, but there has to be a happy medium. Right now you would assume these stage sets were in the hills of Afghanistan with the temerity that they are approached with.

The irony of all the redundant and hyper-critical non-thought that goes into these shows is, the NFL is virtually impossible to figure out. Case in point, Dennis Miller used to have a sports talk show on Versus (don’t worry if you don’t know what that is, unless you enjoy cycling or hockey then you needn’t be concerned with it), and he would interview a Vegas oddsmaker to pick and profile the games from week to week. That expert happened to be Brandan Lang ex college quarterback and inspiration for champion of the squandered potential movie premise, Two For The Money.

Even she couldn't make Two For The Money interesting.

Every week he got fucking slaughtered and would have to come back the following week and offer up some weak-willed explanation while Miller would gently but relentlessly mock him. It was embarrassing.

Point being I can’t think of anything more pointless to argue about and dissect than NFL football. It’s an irrational, unpredictable sporting event with enough parity to keep us all guessing. So reign it in a bit guys, a good majority of us are either watching casually or only for the sake of our fantasy teams. We don’t need all the inside jokes and tangents and occasionally heated and laborious arguments that someone at some point inexplicably deemed interesting discourse.