Fantasy Football

I really have no idea what to make of this team. My initial instinct is to assume they’re going to be terrible, and history has proven that this in all likelihood this is a safe assumption. But then you hear people like John Clayton claiming that they should be a playoff contender this season, and then you remember that even though Carson Palmer is a shell of what he used to be, he’s also a tangible improvement over Ryan Fitzpatrick. So which way do we lean?

With each passing year, this mascot looks less and less intimidating.

Obviously this is all contingent on the team staying free, but I have a difficult time believing it. For starters, lets look at what they did in the off-season. They drafted a talented yet head case offensive lineman out of Alabama in Andre Smith, whom apparently has a difficult time with states initials. Smith has potential but certainly isn’t a sure thing, mostly because he’s emblematic of all the off-the-field issues the Bengals have dealt with and often overlooked. Needless to say, it isn’t exactly a winning formula. The second round they took Ray Malaluga out of USC, and that is arguably the best value pick in the draft.

As far as players we can count on making an impact, I’d give them a solid B- (not exactly setting the world on fire but there’s a lot of hope wrapped up in these two). In free agency they kind of took it on the chin losing TJ Houshmenzadeh, who decided playing under the overcast skies in a weaker division back home was better than playing under the overcast skies in Ohio. Jury’s still out

The Bengals, on top of being shortsighted and poorly managed, have caught a number of bad breaks. There was the neck injury to first round pick David Pollack that ended his career, Rudi Johnson falling into irrelevancy and most importantly, Carson Palmer busting his knee to shit and sitting out two full seasons in the past four years. It’s hard to blame the Bengals for any of this, but at the same time they’ve wasted a number of picks and made numerous front office moves in the interest of making a buck as opposed to actually winning (note: these things aren’t always mutually exclusive).

It’s tough to say what their game plan will be as the offensive line is depleted. I imagine since they haven’t made much of an effort to acquire any new running backs (Benson, Perry, Watson is the current pecking order according to ESPN), the passing game is going to be the primary weapon. But obviously the offensive line is still integral for that to work, and you just traded your best receiver (Housh) and replaced him with my dead grandfather’s brother (Laveranues Coles). I, for one, would brace myself for another disappointing season if I’m a Bengals fan, and thankfully I’m not.

Can’t Miss (or for what one can reasonably expect): As skeptical as I am that Coles can in any way hold a candle to Houshmenzadeh, the Bengals are going to air it out this season because they lack any other options. And since he is there second receiver, you can probably get good value out of him, most likely in the early teens. Carson Palmer is probably a suitable starter, but if you can get him as a backup in the 8th or 9th and use him as trade bait if he produces, that would be the ideal play. And last but not least, if he can afford another strike on his record, I think Henry is the most viable weapon they have right now. Again, he should be around later than he has any business being.

Tread Lightly: Do not, under any rationale, draft this defense. Same goes for the running backs, the tight end and whoever else isn’t a receiver or Carson Palmer. We’d be pretty bearish on Chad Johnson as well, since he’s going to be rated higher than anyone else at wide out on this team and I don’t see him producing much more than Henry or Coles.

Dark Horses: There really aren’t any. I can’t recommend any running backs because it’s a complete fucking toss-up who they’re going to play and why. Maybe they want to prove Perry was worth that first round pick, maybe they think Benson can improve the streak he was on at the end of 2008, maybe they want to keep miles off both of them and play Kenny Watson. Basically, all your dark horses are in the “can’t miss” section of this post, and that’s never a good sign.

At least you’re not the Browns, Cincy fans; you’ve actually been to a couple Super Bowls. Just don’t expect to revisit one anytime soon. On the bright side you still have a couple viable fantasy players to over-draft so you can pretend to still give a shit about this team, on the downside, you’re not going to be a playoff contender until well after those players are gone, as your team’s issues seem to be systemic, and seem to extend beyond whatever personnel that system is working with.

Tomorrow: The one and only Cleveland Browns. Ugh, we might wait until Monday so as we’re not driving to Chicago in tears.