Fantasy Football

Looking back on it, I think putting the Cowboys on Hard Knocks last season was detrimental to their reputation as “America’s team” or whatever moniker we’re applying to them these days. For as long as I can remember, what’s always been their appeal was some false notion of “mystique”, but putting the entire squad on camera for roughly six hours showed us that no, in fact, the Cowboys we’re just as dull and thoughtless as any run of the mill collection of athletes, perhaps even more so.

Maybe the lack of excitement was specific to that one season, and it was a complete coincidence HBO knocked on their door for the documentary series. Actually, it wasn’t a coincidence at all. The Cowboys were housing Terrell Owens for a second season and had just brought in Tank “keeps one in the Chamber” Johnson and Pacman Jones of “making it rain” fame; not to mention that photogenic Jessica Simpsonator Tony Romo. This team had all the makings of an NFL franchise just dying to receive an extended profile.

Now we’re looking at the 2009 season, and three of those have been released (naturally they kept the white one). As much baggage as those three come with, all of them are immensely talented, and most would consider a team losing talented players to be a loss. But we’re at a stage in the NFL now where everyone thinks addition is possible through subtraction (I’m looking at you, Broncos fans). Usually I disagree, but in this instance; I can’t.

It was just too much. Between the paparazzi and the history and expectations and injuries and off-the-field distractions, the Cowboys were destined to fail. Looking back on it there was no real reason for them to be so highly touted: a shaky coach constantly under pressure from losing his job to his coordinator (this is possibly the dumbest fucking preemptive decision by an owner in the history of dumb fucking preemptive decisions by owners), an unproven quarterback with only a handful of starts and a defense that has never been what everyone said it should be (but they have DeMarcus Ware! He was a beast in that one pre-season game from three years ago!).

In short, they might not be as talented but they clubhouse rapport should be improved, the expectations aren’t as high so a playoff birth (as opposed to a Super Bowl win) should suffice and when all is said and done, they’re still one of the ten most talented teams in the league (I have them behind San Diego, New England, Green Bay, Atlanta, New Orleans, Philly, The Giants, Pittsburgh & Minnesota). So expectations are still high, just not blisteringly so. Now that everyone can finally take a sigh of relief without worrying about the consequences, Dallas should be back in the playoff hunt in 2009.

Can’t Miss (for what one could reasonably expect): Jason Witten, Roy Williams, Marion Barber. The former is my favorite of these three. I honestly think he should be the first tight end drafted (never draft a tight end before the fourth round. Terrible, terrible value otherwise). Williams is starting to get really old, really quick, but the best receiver on a team that can’t help but air it out? I like his potential, especially without Owens doing a circus act every time he out-produces the new Buffalo Bill (that came out wrong). And Barber I had to place here only because his stock has dropped, I can’t believe Dallas didn’t try to trade Choice or Jones, because what do they need with all three of these backs?

God, I fucking hate the Cowboys.

Tread Lightly: Tony Romo is really the only offensive fit here. Just how scarred is he from that season ending game against the Eagles, his breakup with Jessica Simpson, and the media consensus that he was never more than a byproduct of their hype? It’s going to be interesting to watch unfold and I won’t be surprised if he breaks out this season, but there are just too many more reliable QB’s for fantasy football, especially now that he’s working with an average receiving corps. in lieu of a powerhouse.

The defense falls into this boat as well. Are we really supposed to have any faith in this busted secondary and a front seven that relies on the productivity of maybe three standouts (Ware, Spears & Ellis)? I’d rather draft Philly’s defense, and despite writing their preview yesterday, I’ve already forgotten the names of all their linebackers. Maybe it’s because they weren’t giving up 28 ppg against playoff teams in 2008. That could have something to do with it, I think.

Dark Horses: Tashard Choice, Felix Jones & Patrick Crayton. The former two because Marion Barber is relatively tiny, even if productive, and there isn’t a single reason I can think of that he won’t be splitting carries again. It’s worth noting that Jones missed the last ten games of the season in 2008, but look at the numbers he was putting up before his unfortunate knee injury.

If Barber was on your roster last year, you probably remember Choice as the guy who came in and ruined your fantasy season when Jones was sidelined, we’re banking on Jones stay healthy and fill that void, but I think there’s a better chance of it raining one dollar bills than both Barber and Jones staying healthy. Crayton makes this list because he’s the second receiver and the only other adequate option at wide out other than Williams. Congratulations, Patrick.

This team, oddly enough, reminds me of the 2006 Bengals: loads of fantasy options and no real promise for the playoffs. It’s not their fault, really. Well it is partly so because they’re so mis-managed, but the conference and division they reside in is particularly strong. In their own division I like Philly and New York more, but in the conference I don’t think you can discount Green Bay, Chicago, Minnesota, New Orleans, Atlanta, Carolina, Arizona, Seattle or San Fransisco. If you include Dallas that’s 75% of the conference that has a realistic shot of making the playoffs. Don’t get mad, Cowboys fans, just blame parity and ignore the fact that it allows you to be competitive in the first place. I know how you excel at ignoring logical overtures like that.

Tomorrow: the Washington Redskins, AKA the NFL’s most expensive courtesan, but she still steals your wallet.