Fantasy Football

So here it is, the biggest sporting event in America that manages to be over hyped every single year. It is a frequent topic of discussion whether or not a Super Bowl lives up to expectations. Ofttimes a person posed with such a question will make some sort of blanket statement along the lines of, “the game always sucks anyways”, as if it’s a highly original thought to dismiss a conversation piece with some faux-anti-establishment stance. When in actuality this perspective is so commonplace that it tows the line more so than ripping it off course.

And it’s for no reason really. If you look back at every Super Bowl going back to the Packers win over the Patriots in 1996, the duds have been few and far between. Fuck it, let’s just do the rundown in chronological order:

Packers over Patriots: I enjoyed this game immensely but we’re calling it a half-dud mainly because it wasn’t closely contested. This was one of those games in which everything that everyone thought would happen, happened. But between all the special teams plays and that it laid the groundwork for the Patriots dynasty, we found it enjoyable and look back on it fondly. This was also the last game in the NFC’s streak of Super Bowl victories.

Broncos over Packers: Was regarded as a tremendous upset and I’m still not sure why. Denver was fucking stacked but some things never change, because even when Brett Favre was great he was still overrated. There wasn’t much he could do about Denver hanging 31 on his defense. Terrell Davis went ape shit and John Elway solidified his legacy. This is probably still my favorite Super Bowl.

Broncos over Falcons: On the other hand, this is probably the worst. It will, for always and forever be remembered as the Super Bowl that missed out on the greatest NFL offense I’ve ever seen in the 1998 Minnesota Vikings. Just go look at the numbers and the roster. This was a loaded offense with a serviceable defense that missed out on the title because their kicker who hadn’t missed a field goal all season, decided that late in the fourth quarter in the NFC title game was an appropriate time to do so. As a result, we got this god awful blowout that everyone could see coming a mile away.

Rams over Titans: This was supposed to be a blowout but the tenacious Tennessee Titans led by Steve McNair and Eddie George made a game of it, coming up just a yard short of the end zone to send it into overtime (not win them the title like historical revisionists are so apt to do). Definitely an entertaining, memorable contest.

Ravens over Giants: The Falcons-Broncos game was technically the worst we’ve ever seen, but only because we didn’t even bother to watch this train wreck. We didn’t know who was going to win and we didn’t give a shit. Both teams we impossible to objectively root for and this was during our freshman year of college. Needless to say we were preoccupied.

Patriots over Rams: The biggest upset we had seen at the time, the Patriots went in as double digit underdogs and came out with the win. At the time, every neutral fan was elated, none the wiser that it would start a dynasty and put the nation’s most insufferable fans in the spotlight for an entire decade. Never the less, the game itself was immensely satisfying because we never liked those Rams teams. They always got too much credit for their offense, “GREATEST. EVER.” Was the common description, completely ignoring our beloved Minnesota Vikings that we bandwagoned in 1998.

Buccaneers over Raiders: A dud in all respects but it’s gets a better rating than the Broncos second win or the Ravens win because we won money off of it, and for Craig Kilborne’s joke, “When asked if he was going to throw six interceptions in his next professional outing, Rich Gannon threw a pen at the reporter…only for it to be caught by another reporter”.

Patriots over Panthers: This was a great second half. Or maybe it only felt that way because it followed the dreariest half of football we’ve ever been privy too. It also stands out because while just about everyone was picking the Patriots to win, the only people who were diverging from common consensus were former players turned analysts. The Pats still ended up winning but they really shouldn’t have, and it still remains the best argument for why an ex-player makes a better analyst by virtue of being an ex-player than say, John Clayton.

Patriots over Eagles: Patriots beat “my” team in dramatic fashion, take home their third title in four years by a field goal. In spite of my subjectivity, this game offered a lot for the indifferent viewer.

Steelers over Seahawks: Just when you were tiring of the Patriots and were happy to see them left out of super Sunday, you immediately regretted it after watching this poor excuse for a game. The went into the game as a wild card favorite and ended up winning based on a series of calls that could have gone either way, and they all ended up going against them. To this day Seahawks fans still bitch about it.

Colts over Bears: This game was only two years ago and we remember nothing about it. Two stinkfests in a row.

Giants over Patriots: A textbook David vs. Goliath match up that produced similar results. This time around it was the Patriots getting bounced by a three point margin, much to the glee of everyone who hates dynasties.

As you can see, that’s a 6-6-1 giving us a 50% success rate. So, in other words, much like everything else in the world it only disappoints you half the time. Just enjoy the game regardless of what shape it takes. At least its free. With that said, lets take a look at the Sunday’s game. We’ll follow the same format we used for the divisional and playoff rounds.

Pittsburgh’s Outlook: I drifted through the past two weeks just assuming everyone was picking the Steelers. But listening to the radio for the first time since the Monday following the title games, it would seem the tide has shifted. Even though Pitt is still a heavy favorite they can now play the vaunted “Nobody respects us” card, something that hard-hitting meat-heads thrive off of. This moniker is like chum in a shark tank.

We could very well end up seeing Pitt mopping the floor with the Cardinals. They’re better coached, have more overall talent and possess a balanced offensive attack that the Cardinals only saw against a self-destructing Panthers team. We all remember Roethlisberger’s performance from his first Super Bowl that his team won in spite of, but most would tell you that while his play is inconsistent and shaky at times, a repeat performance like that is unlikely. Most would probably tell you if they avoid turning the ball over, they should be in the clear.

On the defensive side, this is statistically one of the better defenses to ever grace and NFL field. Tenacious, intimidating, strategic…There isn’t a liability to be found. But have they played a team with this many weapons in the post-season? Call me crazy, but I think the Cardinals receiving corps. top three options are better than any receiver sported by either the Chargers or Ravens. Not that I would expect them too, but the Steelers aren’t incapable of overlooking their opponent.

Arizona’s Outlook: And for good reason. This is a team that only got into the playoffs by playing in and winning one of the weaker divisions we’ve ever seen in the NFL (or the NBA for that matter). Everyone always said throughout the Cardinals three playoff wins that their vanquished opponents took them too lightly, and that was their undoing. Obviously this played a role but I don’t know if it’s necessarily a tremendous character flaw that everyone made it out to be. Of course they were taken lightly! They were 9-7 in the regular season and limped into the post-season. This team we’ve seen in January is obviously filled with ringers.

But it has been a helluva run, regardless of how you frame their journey to Tampa. The defense has adapted to each opponent, gotten to the quarterback and taken advantage of their mistakes. The offense is clicking on all cylinders and has played almost flawless football (which includes one and a half games without Boldin), each side has sucked it up and Edgerrin James is now contributing amply, spelling Tim Hightower. If there is a team of destiny in this game, it’s the Arizona Cardinals. And I have to be honest, that seems to be the vibe from a lot of observers, objective and subjective alike. Why else would they pick Arizona to win?

Manufactured ESPN Storylines: Is Larry Fitzgerald able to leap buildings in a single bound? Will his dad pretend to be objective while watching him in the press box? Will God win this game for Kurt Warner? Is Anquan Boldin going to murder his coordinator? Did the entire city of Pittsburgh relocate itself in Tampa, Florida? Can Arizona run the ball on Pitt? Can Pitt throw the ball on Arizona? Will strip clubs prove to be a distraction?

Fantasy Advice: We’ll get back to fantasy posts the week after the Super Bowl. My apologies for this.

The Pick: We’re torn. On one hand, we’ve got the stalwarts in the Pittsburgh Steelers. The workman like NFL mainstay that no one is surprised to see here, “defense wins championships and all that”. They went through what was statistically the toughest regular season schedule and came out of it with a 12-4 record. But they only went 3-4 in the seven games they played against playoff teams.

On the other we have the Arizona Cardinals, a makeshift team of a second year coach, a once washed up quarterback and a virtual no name defense. They weren’t supposed to make it out of the first round and managed to do so by the skin of their teeth. Throughout the course of the playoffs, they’ve demonstrated that they’re capable of winning this game, but look at these scores: 56-35, 48-20, 35-14, 47-7. Do you know what these are? These are the scores of games that the Cardinals lost during the regular season. Basically, when deliberating on whether you’re picking the Cardinals, you’re deciding if the two week hiatus is going to kill their momentum.

Jesus, I don’t know why we’re so indecisive with this one. Just in writing this post we’ve changed our mind about ten different times…Alright, we’re going to say that yes, it did indeed kill their momentum. Between that and the fact that the Steelers are going to have about ten times as many fans as the Cardinals, not to mention that Pittsburgh is just, and this is a crazy notion, simply the better team. We’ll take them to win and to cover the 6.5, but only because we’re rooting for Arizona.

Well, we’re 3-7 so far in the playoffs, though that feels about average for this post-season. And we finished 52-39-5 on the regular season. If you need that spelled out for you, it makes us 55-46-5 on our picks outright. Its not too shabby. Sans week fifteen and the playoffs, we are picking at about 60%, and we can’t fucking stand putting money down on the NFL. So yeah, it proves us wrong in a way, but we’re not going to let this temptress take our roll.

But semi-related to picking games, last year we made something of a small fortune on prop bets (we hit on “neither team would score three times in a row”, “Plaxico Burress would score final touchdown”, “David Tyree would score a touchdown” and “Laurence Maroney would score a touchdown”), but we no longer know anyone in Vegas and are hesitant to pick up the habit of online gambling. Never the less, for those of you who aren’t completely gutless or are fortunate enough to be in a county with legalized gambling, here are some prop bets we like:

Arizona +4 at half
I’m unsure as to which team I am picking to win this game (we’ll figure it out by the end of this post), but I like Arizona going into halftime with a six point lead or so. Why? Because they’ve basically done just that every game until now. Pitt’s defense is tenacious, but I could see them undermining this Arizona team like everyone else has. If the last three games they’ve played have counted for anything (and since we’ve had two weeks off, they don’t), Arizona should be able to at least keep it close until halftime.

Race to ten points: Arizona +150
For pretty much the same reason we like the Cardinals to cover that halftime spread. Also, Pittsburgh doesn’t usually come out the gates and beat their opponent over the head with an overwhelming amount of offensive output. Their style, on both offense and defense is more…relentless. And doesn’t expose itself too early in any contest.

First score: Arizona Touchdown: +290, Arizona Field Goal: +375
If you don’t know what these numbers mean, you put $50 on either bet, they pay out $195 & $237.50 respectively.

Pittsburgh to win by 11-15 +500
Arizona to win by 6-10 +900
It’s a good way to hedge your bets and also makes a potentially boring game significantly more interesting for your neutral observers.

First to Score Wins: No at +150
This is for your most degenerate of gamblers. We’ll call it the mortgage maker. But, at the same time it’s basically a 50/50 shot that this plays out in your favor and it pays out significantly better than that. If you’re not a degenerate (ooooh, Mr. Fancy Pants. You’re too good to place your kids college tuition on a prop Super Bowl bet? What? You think you’re better than me?), then this is a good bet to lay down for your girlfriend/new bride to keep her interested if she’s not already into football. She’ll have something to root for and might actually avoid sulking why you’re trying to enjoy yourself. Again, if she’s not already into football in the first place.

First Touchdown Scorer
Willie Parker +500 Because it’s possible he breaks an early run for a long touchdown
Edgerrin James +800 Because he’s had a resurgence and everyone is rooting for him now
Tim Hightower +900 Because he handles the goal line carries and if he gets in the end zone and not James, you’re going to be displeased if you had money on one and not the other.
Anquan Boldin +900 Because he’s under the radar all of a sudden.
Heath Miller +1200 Because he’s their first option in short yardage.

Last Touchdown Scorer
Larry Fitzgerald +550 Because I can see him unceremoniously getting in the end zone after a disappointing game.
Hines Ward +800 Because he’s their best weapon on offense.
Edgerrin James +800 Because whether it’s close or they’re winning or losing convincingly, he’s going to be concerned about his stats.
Santonio Holmes +900 Because he plays special teams.
Tim Hightower +900 Because he gets every goal line carry.
Anquan Boldin +900 Because he’s inexplicably under the radar.
Nate Washington +1500 Because he’s unsuspecting.
Steve Breaston +1500 Because he’s there, capable and really, really underrated.
Troy Palumalu +3300 Because he thrives at taking advantage of his opponents frantic self-defeat and putting the final nail in their coffin. And besides, if you put $50 on it, it pays out $1,700.

Alright, that’s it for the prop bets that looked appealing. There were some others on the board that are foreseeable but the odds aren’t really favorable. I wouldn’t want to put money on any prop bet unless it pays out better than a standard line bet, and occasionally they’re pay out is worse. There really doesn’t seem to be any point in engaging in this sort of behavior.

We’ll be back later today/tonight for our actual game pick and a general overview. We might also hold out for a live blog of the game, depending on how we end up spending our time while it’s on.

So we took a day off, we couldn’t be bothered to fill this blog with another day of minutia, it just didn’t seem relevant. Ninety percent of what we would have posted would be nothing more than regurgitated op-ed, and more than four days a week of that isn’t good for anyone. That’s why we took the day off. With that said, we’re posting some more regurgitated op-ed. Sorry, it’s all that seems pertinent the Thursday before the Super Bowl: NFL news unrelated to the Super Bowl. This is what happens on a two week layover.

Actually, a couple Super Bowl related observations. As mundane as these weeks tend to be leading up to The Game, the past few days have been exceptional. People are now speculating if the lack of trash talk is some sort of mind game between the two teams. I think we’ve now reached a boiling point in non-news sports journalism. If Ben Roethlisberger sneezes inordinately someone will pen a cover story wondering if he has a staff-infection.

Basically, every journalist is waiting for a player to pull a Eugene Robinson or Brent Robbins so they have a topic. I just hope they’re not holding their breath. See, this is why people like the Cowboys, there is always something off the field to discuss. Not so much with the Cardinals. That’s why no one has mentioned them in a column for the past fifty years. That, and they’re one of the worst franchises in the history of American sports.

But overall, outside of the women from the South American news station, no one seems much interested in anything that took place on media day and even then we can’t find any pictures, so obviously no one was too enamored. When asked about a prediction for the game on Sunday, Michael Wilbon said, “there’s a lot of time between now and then”. That was yesterday. Ten days after the last NFL game was played. I hate to keep harping on this, but given the over-saturation of the NFL the Super Bowl really needs to be played, like, a day or two after the conference title games. When pundits only have one game to focus on, they just do not have enough material to occupy the down time.

Injury/non-injury updates: Heinz Ward missed practice while JJ Arrington has returned. I will say the one good aspect to the two week layover: Anquan Boldin gets the opportunity to return fully healthy. Based on how maligned he’s been ever since he displayed a human reaction to something that was completely understandable (This is a bit of a faux-pas in the NFL), we find ourselves rooting for him, despite how he decimated us twice during the fantasy football season.

Anyhow, around the league we have a myriad of news to focus on. For starters, after pondering the decision for an agonizing two weeks, Jon Gruden has decided at the ripe old age of forty-five that yes, he would like to coach football again. Its been a long journey, but I think he’s ready. I really can’t argue with the dismissal by the Bucs, but does anyone remember five years ago when he was considered one of the better young coaches in the league? And now, what? He’s a has been? What is he, a running back? If I’m a Browns fan or Chiefs fan, I’m considering Jon Gruden a significant improvement and a welcomed addition.

One team that isn’t in the market for a new coach, surprisingly, is the Oakland Raiders. They have decided to keep their interim hire from earlier in the 2008 season. Personally, I don’t see a better option available. For starters, no notable hire would ever consider taking the position. Not to mention that the Raiders — more specifically, JaMarcus Russell — started to play like actual professionals. Giving someone more than five games with a young team that’s never accomplished anything is a step in the right direction for a franchise that has less hope than a team that just finished the worst season in the history of the NFL.

That’s pretty much it, we’ll be back with an actual game preview tomorrow.

So the big news yesterday was the the teams arrived in Tampa. They got on a plane from Pittsburgh and Phoenix respectively, and were flown on a chartered plane to humble and warm Tampa Bay, Florida. When they got off the planes, they waved at people and it seemed that just about every single one of them had their own camcorder, because I suppose what’s going on out here is equally as interesting as what’s going on in there.

But there was one person who decided to make some headlines, and that would be Ken Wizzenhunt, which is impressive. Its not exactly easy fitting the name Wizzenhunt into any sort of nifty, relevant pun. But when you get off the plane that takes you to the Super Bowl and proclaim, “We’re going to shock the world”, you leave the hack journalists of the world no choice. Nice job, Ken. You know, your last name is so atypical, one would think it would give him and Ben Roethlisberger a semblance of common ground, and they wouldn’t (reportedly) hate each other right now.

Anyhow, I guess he’s suggesting that they’re going to win the game on Sunday, but is that really “shock the world” material at this point? I think most consider it shocking that Arizona is getting off a plane to play in the Super Bowl in the first place. The notion of it being shocking should they win the game was rendered moot when they knocked off the Panthers, because obviously nothing was going to go according to plan after that.

Anyhow, at least he’s giving everyone (including me) cannon fodder to keep their blogs/columns/whatever active. Because other than a satirical piece on Edgerrin James’ probable vindictiveness towards the Colts about making a title game, we really have nothing in the bank.

So it would seem that Terrell Owens has a reality series coming out (I guess this is different from the one with Michael Irvin?). Ahh, one step closer to VH1 programming, where he is destined to end up. Does anyone even know anybody finds Terrell Owens interesting or irritating or charismatic enough to care about? Isn’t he just some tired head case receiver with a declining career that’s basically going to turn into Dennis Rodman when he retires? What I’m trying to say is, I wouldn’t come within a mile of drafting him next season.

It would seem that AJ Smith, the Chargers GM who’s best known for controversially running Marty Schottenheimer out of town, and LaDanian Tomlinson are feuding over how they should allocate money for the backfield next season. Specifically, Tomlinson wants AJ Smith to pay him and AJ Smith doesn’t want to have to do that. If you’re a Chargers fan, I’d just like you to know that there isn’t a winnable solution here. I hope your happy about that.

In short, if they end up resigning Tomlinson (or actually agreeing to their of the bargain on the current one, it’s always hard to tell the circumstances with NFL contracts, as only one party has to honor it) then the team is saddled with an aging running back that doesn’t produce effectively as a result of taking a beating for the past five seasons. If Smith ends up cutting Tomlinson and ownership and the fans let him do so without repercusssions, then he’s basically been given carte blanche to do anything he pleases, and given how rash some of his acquisitions have been (trading away Eli, acquiring Chris Chambers, the aforementioned firing of Schottenheimer), you have no idea what he’s going to end up doing to the roster from here on out.

So yeah, I don’t know what to tell you, Chargers fans. Look on the bright side, the odds of an official ripping a win from your team’s hands are highly improbable two years in a row.

Alright, that’s pretty much it for now. If anything substantive arises, we’ll be one of the first people to recycle the news item and offer an opinion on it.

So over the weekend it appears that the following talking points are overrunning Super Bowl coverage through the first week of build-up to the game. If you have been appropriately ignoring them and want a summary, then you’re welcome.

1) Larry Fitzgerald grew up playing and enjoying football.

You’re not going to believe this, but as it turns out when someone is astute enough to actually reach the NFL, occasionally that person made it a focal point of their lives while growing up. Crazy, isn’t it? Apparently it’s significant because A) Larry Fitzgerald is now the common consensus greatest receiver in the league (I guess Randy Moss doesn’t exist if he doesn’t make the playoffs), and if not in”just current day NFL, then it’s some superlative laced tirade/screed about how LARRY FITZGERALD IS SO REMARKABLE HE’S ARGUABLY THE GREATEST RECEIVER TO EVER PLAY IN THE NFL AND HAS HAD THE GREATEST PLAYOFF RUN BY A RECEIVER EVER; B) His dad is a sportswriter. and C) He was a ball boy for the Vikings. This warrants major attention in the first news Super Bowl news cycle.

2) Is Kurt Warner a hall of famer?

This was the most foreseeable because he’s unique to probably any quarterback who has ever made the hall of fame. Based on just the numbers and making three Super Bowls, the answer is a resounding yes. So it’s not really a debate. But the conversation is kind of indicative of the Cardinals making the Super Bowl. Much like everyone is shocked they have to concede that Warner is going to Canton, they are equally vexed that the Arizona Cardinals could win an NFL Championship.

3) Pittsburgh is a working class city.

I guess this is somewhat prescient given the current economic climate. But honestly, who gives a shit? If anything, obsession with a entertainment company (sorry, that’s basically what professional sports franchises are) has worsened that city’s economy by inflating prices that addicts continue to pay. But since the majority of actual fans in Tampa for the game are Steelers fans, and that the team’s style of play resembles the working class mentality of the city all we’re going to hear about is the bond between the franchise and fan.

But what’s never mentioned is that most of these Steelers fans have the time to make it to Tampa because they do not have a job they have to worry about being fired from. And that the last of their savings are being attributed for the haul south. But thanks ESPN for only showing us the sunny side of the street. Can they do a sentimental heart-wrenching piece about a systemic problem as opposed to an isolated hard luck story? Probably, but they won’t.

4) Anquan Boldin: Asshole, or biggest asshole?

Essentially, if you’re disgruntled because you thought you could contribute positively to your team and your coach thinks otherwise, then you let things boil over into a screaming match and leave the stadium to cool down a bit and avoid celebrating with your team, you are completely irredeemable. It doesn’t matter if he’s been in the league for 5+ years and have never demonstrated any such behavior in the past, you are forever and always the disgruntled receiver who wants to sabotage his team because he’s a selfish prick.

Look, I’m not trying to make excuses for Mr. Boldin, he would probably be the first to admit that he was out of line behaving the way he did (especially at that point in the game). Not to mention that I can understand it being a tad alarming that he was still so perturbed after the game ended that he refused to celebrate a trip to the Super Bowl. But he is a top ten (some would argue top five) receiver in the league and has consistently performed at an all-star level all season, is it really beyond comprehension that he wouldn’t react well to being sidelined? His staunch displeasure with the situation was admittedly a disproportional response, but does it necessarily mean it’s a deeper issue than that? I’m going to say no, so queue the countdown to when I regret this.

5) Fired Coaches

It’s at the point now with coaching vacancies in professional sports that the news of someone being fired is standard operating procedure as opposed to a break from the norm. In most cases, you’re more surprised that the coach actually kept his job because the expectation for immediate gratification is so intense that the majority of fringe teams are going to clean house. Think about it, is it more surprising that Herm Edwards and Eric Mangini (among others) were fired, or that Dick Jauron and Marvin Lewis are keeping their jobs.

Really, what I think this boils down to is NFL fans and organizations are going to need to level their expectations of these guys, otherwise you’re always going to be bitter and dejected. Most current successful coaches in the NFL right now inherited their team and had the right pieces in place, they just took advantage of their good fortune accordingly.

I guess that’s about it, let me know if I missed anything. Media day should be coming up soon, we’ll cover that as thoroughly as we can from Columbus, Ohio. Should be uninteresting.

So I’m blanking on what I should write about today. But let me start off by saying that while I like reading Stewart Mandel’s columns, he’s about two weeks behind me on the “NFL playoffs being the best defense for the BCS” talking point. I imagine in the coming weeks he’s going to write an article detailing what a great movie The Godfather is and how it’s going to someday change the landscape of the film industry.

I kid Mandel, of course. He echoes a great point and unless the NFL is going to go to a best of three format (which would drive me fucking batty) this is kind of an unavoidable situation unless we reward the teams with the best records. Even still, I have no idea what the tiebreakers would be in this hypothetical scenario, but that wouldn’t solve the Cardinals dilemma, only the Chargers. And unless you’re a Panthers/Giants/Eagles fan, who wouldn’t want the Cardinals in the playoffs. You know a point is not worth dwelling on when you can make your case by simply stating “It’s the (fill in name of entity here)” and it proves your point.

No, what we need to resolve is the two week hype machine that the NFL now insists on giving us between the conference title games and the Super Bowl. No one seems to enjoy it set aside a few of the players who bask in all the attention. Though I imagine if you asked Troy Palumalu he would want to play the game the Tuesday after winning the AFC. And to be perfectly honest, I’d rather cater to the Palumalu’s of the world than the Terrell Owens’ (I know he’s not playing in the game, but I’m struggling to come up with someone similar on either of these two teams. Joey Porter is on the Dolphins now).

Why do I pine for the return to the one week layover? Because instead of one week of stories and sub-stories akin to this, in addition to the non-stop speculation to the players’ health status and sentimental sob-stories about everyone of the lineman, we get two weeks of everything we just listed. Its not that none of it is interesting, it’s just that most of it isn’t, and if it was for any other reason than for the NFL to squeeze a few more dollars out of the arrangement, I’d have no qualms with the two week layover. But it isn’t, and it just seems to pinpoint everything we find irritating about the NFL.

I’m not sure when the decision was made to definitively make the two week break standard operating procedure, but I seem to recall it bouncing back and forth for a few years before settling on the two week hiatus about three or four years ago. I guess they figured since it is the biggest stage in American athletics, if anything is going to have an extended break to create artificial buzz it might as well be the Super Bowl. But that’s actually counter-intuitive. Everyone knows when the Super Bowl is taking place whether it’s the week or six months after the conference title games. I’d actually argue that whatever profits they see from the extra week of nefarious headlines, they lose a (admittedly small) portion of their casual fan base.

So here’s my inconsequential solution: Play it the second Friday after the title games. It doesn’t exactly cut the time in half, but is practical for a couple reasons:

1) A Healthy amount of Super Bowl viewers get drunk during the game, but usually limit themselves because they have to work in the morning. Moving it to Friday is beneficial on both ends because A) The consumer doesn’t have to get up for work at 7AM, and B) The consumer consumers more. Supposedly at least a portion of the companies that pay overpriced airtime fees for the privilege of running their marketing department’s best efforts during the game, why not try to compensate by increasing revenue for at least one night with the product you’re hawking? (Obviously I’m referring to beverages, food, things of this nature, not UPS).

As for the actual event issues that would come about from this adjusted schedule, the noteworthy parties and shit that are as much a part of Super Bowl weekend as the actual game (Maxim, Playboy, ESPN, etc.) could be held on either Thursday night (the entire city is going to be put on hold for game day, anyhow) or during the layover week.

2) While it only cuts two days out of the waiting period, it’s generally the two worst days. This would spare us that endless weekend of enhanced and unnecessary non-storylines that we’re indoctrinated with that stem everyone’s best “Look at me! I’m important!” attempt at public attention. On Mike and Mike this morning they were — I kid you not — Talking to Donald Trump about the supposed adverse effects the economy is taking on sports. I didn’t stick around to listen to interview, but the smaller Mike was talking about high end ticket prices being cut in half from $10,000 to $5,000 with the same fervor and concern that Mae Braddock used when worrying about the heat being turned off.

In other words, it was just something they used to fill the airwaves. Hey, the economy is shit, this game lacks a lot of appeal to your bandwagon fans, Barack Obama’s president, lets bring on a fame-whore whose made some money in real-estate to discuss the economy’s indirect toll on the sports world! It’s a perfect way to eat up the two hours (after commercials) we have to be on air for!

I don’t mean to complain/critique/observe so much, and Lord knows I don’t need game analysis around the clock, just give me fluff pieces about Super Bowl dreams being realized if that’s the case. I just ask for less bullshit. That’s all. Cut the bullshit in half (or in this case, just take off about 1/5) and not only will you increase your audience, you’ll be on the receiving end of less petulant bitching that never makes its way to you like this right here.

So in honor of the Oscar nominations being announced today, we’re going to doll out some more awards from the NFL/fantasy season. Unlike yesterday, these will be primarily for playoff performances. So, without further ado, your contrived award winners from the 2008 NFL post-season.

The Benjamin Button award for “most likely having reversed the aging process”
We have no evidence of Kurt Warner being on steroids and no one has even suggested it until me just now, but this isn’t supposed to ever happen. I guess Randall Cunningham with the ‘98 Vikings set a precedent for something like this (except Warner’s regular season wasn’t nearly as impressive but he’s making the Super Bowl. Garrry Annnnderrrssssonnnnnnn!), but that was kind of an anomaly. Just Cunningham whipping the ball down field to the greatest jump ball receiver in the history of the league, which opened up the running and short-yardage passing game. Warner is out there hitting targets playing in an offense by a coach who came up with the Steelers. So congrats, Kurt Warner. You’re now a lock to make the hall of fame and you didn’t play a down in the NFL until you were twenty-eight years old. Which means my dream of playing QB 1 for an NFL franchise is still alive and well.

(Speaking of Benjamin Button, I enjoyed the film and everything, as for it having the most Oscar nominations however…I’m inclined to disagree with how this developed. It’s basically Forrest Gump as seen by David Fincher and penned by the same writer. Don’t believe me? Watch this damning video evidence.)

The Reader Award for “Most Inappropriate Relationship”
To The Philadelphia Eagles for playing the Kate Winslet role, because after you just lose the NFC title game in rather heartbreaking fashion, it’s probably better to demonstrate a little more concern and not celebrate with the opposing team like you won the Super Bowl. Especially when you reside and play on a professional sports team in a city like Philadelphia. I can understand, no one can be entirely disgruntled with the fucking Arizona Cardinals going to the Super Bowl, but considering you just lost your fourth NFC title game in eight years, the fans probably would have liked to see that it had at least a tinge of an adverse effect on you. Just wait until you get off the field to remember that you are given millions of dollars to run around on a field and chase a leather ball. For the sake of everyone, put on the facade and look a little crestfallen.

The Sean Penn Award for “Always being in contention regardless of the circumstances”
To the Pittsburgh Steelers, who whether you like them or not, are always going to be in playoff contention so long as they have a moderately competent QB. With Roethlisberger only being 26, expect them to win the AFC North or make the wild card for probably the next seven or eight years. Sure, they’re in a smaller market and players like Jerome Harrison just about always end up leaving. But just like Penn, while you may not like him on a personal level, he can carry a film and render so much of it expendable. The Steelers front office can do just about the same thing.

The Mickey Rourke award for “Most probable comeback that everyone is claiming to have been improbable”
To the Miami Dolphins, who after acquiring Bill Parcells as GM, it should have been plain as day that they were going to turn it around, and even more so after they got a serviceable quarterback. The parity is such in the NFL these days that once you get proper figureheads in place the rest of the pieces fall like dominoes. Parcells is often regarded as the greatest head coach ever, once you have him officially making your personnel decisions, combined with a weak schedule and no one taking you seriously for the first half of the season, an 11-5 record isn’t all that improbable.

(I haven’t yet seen The Wrestler (actually going at lunch today), but if you look at Rourke’s recent career before heading all the critical buzz, he had already done Sin City, Domino and Once Upon A Time In Mexico in the past five years. That really isn’t that bad. Given, none of them are considered tour de force acting performances like these are, but he wasn’t exactly destitute. He just wasn’t accepting Golden Globes and thanking his dog for his roles in those films).

The Bruce Springsteen Award for “Biggest Snub without any attempted explanation”
This, obviously, goes to the New England Patriots. Who buried, and I mean laid a beating on the now NFC Champion Arizona Cardinals unlike any I have seen since…well, the New England Patriots first half of the 2007 season. I know the Chargers beat the Colts in the wild card round and that’s the justification defenders of the current system will use. But when I look at the records, I see one team was 11-5 and the other was 8-8. It seems like the record speaks for itself. And much like Springsteen winning the Golden Globe for best song, the Patriots being so successful this decade makes their absence from the playoffs all the more glaring.

The Slumdog Millionaire award for “Most Overrated Contender of the year”
To Chad Pennington. Although he carried a 1-15 team in 2007 to the playoffs in 2008, by no means did he deserve to be the runner up from the MVP. I’m probably one of 12 people outside the state of Florida who’ll remember this in two weeks, but nothing he did merited that kind of recognition. Nothing. That team went 1-15 last season because of injuries (to the quarterback and starting tailback) and unloading offensive weapons for draft picks (Chris Chambers). It was a young team built for the future that got lucky with a slightly above average veteran quarterback who won’t turn the ball over in crucial situations. At least, until he got to the playoffs.

Also, if you haven’t seen Slumdog yet, it isn’t a terrible film and I’m not recommending you avoid it. But it’s just kind of fluff in a different country with very little answered about the characters and their motivations, not to mention numerous plot holes. So while it is entertaining and “inspirational” in a sense, I wouldn’t have it nominated for Best Picture, much less winning like it did at the Golden Globes.

Anyhow, that’s it for today, we might come back with some more of these tomorrow if not any Super Bowl commentary.

If you’re wondering why there wasn’t any post yesterday the answer is quite simple: 451 Press decided to completely alter/update the interface without notifying anyone, and this just happened to be while I was writing my post. When I went to “publish” it, as Wordpress so flatteringly phrases the act of finalizing a blog post, the website ate my post alive, never to be seen again.

Anyhow, I refused to rewrite my post out of spite. Which is a damn shame because no one paying me really gives a shit either way, and it ends up being the kids that suffer. So to make up for our malfeasance, we’re going to post basically the same thing we had written yesterday, only longer. Maybe. And that is dolling out regular season fantasy awards.

MVP: Drew Brees
Common consensus seems to suggest that since these are for fantasy performers this award should go to whoever produced the most fantasy points over the course of the season. For once, we won’t give an argument to the contrary and give it to Drew Brees, who by just about any calculation bested the NFL in total offensive output. Congratulations, Mr. Brees. For your efforts you get an 8-8 record, saddled with an inadequate defense and a last name that should really have an “e” at the end of it.

Rookie Of The Year: Chris Johnson
Given the recipient, we’re going to rename this the “fuck Matty Ice” award, due to his pedestrian nature when it comes to fantasy quarterbacking. Yeah, thanks a lot for the 16 touchdowns and 11 turnovers, Matty. you really earned that spot on my bench, in case the worst happens and I actually have to start you.

No, we decided to give this to a player who produced something tangible over seventeen weeks, and that player is Chris Johnson. Chris Johnson, who started every game and was as close to a lock as any running back in the NFL to break 20+ points for the first twelve weeks of the season and was his team’s primary offensive weapon. We don’t need to tag any “game manager” qualifiers here.

So congratulations, Chris. For your troubles you get a 13-3 record, probably no more than a five year career and an unburdening sense of guilt that had you stayed healthy against the Ravens, your team would have almost definitely been playing in the AFC title game.

Most Improved Player: DeAngelo Williams (Amongst stiff competition, as well)
His season was quite annoying for anyone who drafted Jonathan Stewart (like myself). But really, who else could we have given it too? The man more than doubled his run yardage (717 to 1515) and more than quadrupled his rushing touchdowns (4 to 18) from 2007 to 2008. We’re pretty convinced he’s on steroids because frankly, there is no explainable reason for him to have a breakout season like this four years into his career and there was a reason the Panthers used the 13th overall selection this year on a rookie. But since nothing has been proven yet we’ll go ahead and throw Williams in here for Most Improved.

Congratulations, DeAngelo. For your efforts you get a humiliating home loss at the hands of the Cardinals in the divisional playoffs, due in large-part to your coach seeing fit to hand the ball to you only twelve times throughout the entire game. Hope it was worth it.

Defensive Player of The Year: Nick Collins
I had no idea who the hell you were until I decided to do this post in lieu of anything substantive, but you had three defensive touchdowns, seven interceptions and two safeties for the Green Bay Packers this season. So congratulations, Nick. For your troubles you earn a spot as a notary member of probably the best 5-11 team in the history of the NFL.

Alright, I think that about wraps it up. We might hand out some more…ostentatious awards in the coming days. For now we’ll just stick with the basics.

We’re down to two playoff games for these weekly recaps, and it is starting to dawn on us that while we’re going to struggle for material for the next couple weeks, we have nary a clue how we are going to keep this site updated during the off-season. You can only make so many LenDale White fat jokes before they start to get old. Obviously we’re going to be forced to move onto La’Ron McClain fat jokes.

Anyhow, it was an interesting day of games yesterday. But probably the most peculiar thing about it, and we should have caught it on Thursday or Friday, is that the NFC title game was the earlier broadcast. Considering, you know, the other game was in Pittsburgh, outdoors and in the eastern time zone; it seems like that would be an ideal afternoon game. At least when the other option is indoors, in Arizona and on pacific time. But what do I know? I guess it makes as much sense as Arizona being allowed to play the game at home in the first place.

But even all that taken under advisement there was a better reason to play the AFC game early: Namely, it was boring as shit. Sure, if you’re a fan of one of the two teams you saw it as an old school, hard hitting battle between divisional foes. If you’re a neutral observer like me and most of the country, you were struggling to keep your eyes open after the two hour first half that resulted in 20 total points. And that 20 wasn’t exactly thrilling. I know this is how football is “supposed” to be played, but when I’m kind of burnt out on it and it’s over two hours to play thirty minutes and neither team is of particular interest, our interest tends to wane.

To summarize because it’s obligatory, Joe Flacco’s inexperience finally cost Baltimore (as it should), as he threw three interceptions and barely cracked 33% completion percentage (13/30). Outside of Pitt’s defense, no one really performed exceptionally for Pittsburgh. Several dropped passes, and a number of shaky throws from Roethlisberger, Pittsburgh’s defense managed to carry the day that was highlighted with a Troy Polamalu pick-six (which we claimed would happen in the first quarter but it’s not on record so why do I bother mentioning it?).

For what it’s worth, when he’s dead set on winning a game, I really don’t think there’s a better defender in the league than Polamalu, who hones in on the ball like a guided missile. For all the talk of Ed Reed and Ray Lewis, Polamalu outclassed them all in this contest.

Set aside the fact that it was fairly uninspired play on the offensive end (penalties seemed to count for as much as actual plays) and a four hour running time that was beyond all comprehension, the game just had no storyline beyond the petulant trash talking between several notable players. Some are intrigued by this, for us, it’s just another reason to dislike both already dislikable teams. The bickering wouldn’t be interesting to anyone if it wasn’t for the fact that we’re all familiar with those involved, the comments themselves are about two notches below “yo’ momma’” jokes and the whole thing just wreaks of self-absorption. For some of these guys to say some of the shit they do in a public venue, is a good testament too how many times they’ve been reminded of how special they are.

Of course, I hate to complain about the duration of time the game took to play out, so please take into consideration I wrote the last paragraph before Willis McGahee’s injury. Poor bastard. Can this guy go a couple seasons without sustaining some kind of horrific injury? First there was this and now we have this. Can’t this guy just sustain something like a bone bruise? Does it always have to be career threatening? Two things were refreshing about what happened in the aftermath: 1) He moved, with relative ease and regularity and 2) The Pittsburgh fans wishing him well as he was being carted through the tunnel (though I’m not sure they would have been so convivial had the Steelers been losing).

Since that is all that really happened in that game, let’s move onto the NFC which proved a little more theatric.

In short: Philly deserved to lose: Dropped passes, turnovers, shaky defense for three of four quarters. These are not the standard makings of a winning football performance. Arizona kind of impressed me, they came close to catching a few breaks (the Boldin catch after the missed interception, the missed kickoff catch from Philly that the return man shouldn’t have been going for in the first place, followed by the Arizona recovery after the ball looked like stayed in bounds that was ultimately ruled out), and managed to hold onto the win after blowing an 18 point halftime lead.

Usually when a team as experienced and (recently) adept as Philly builds momentum like that, they never relent. But ‘Zona proved resilient by putting together an efficient and crucial touchdown drive late in the fourth capped off by a converted two point conversion. It’s a good thing the subsequent defensive stop gave us the obligatory controversial call/non-call towards the end of the game, otherwise what would we have to argue about. Personally, I don’t know how you cannot call that. Having a game be decided on a 4th and 10 pass play in which the defender (intentionally or otherwise) knocks down the receiver before he has an opportunity to catch the ball seems a bit ill-advised. But if they are certain that the defender knocked down Curtis accidentally (unless he stumbled backwards into him while blindfolded, I don’t know how you can be certain of that) then I guess that is the call they have to make.

I mean, if the call goes the other way, the Cardinals still have plenty of chances to stop them even if they do convert that fourth down. And even if Philly does get in the end zone, they still have an overtime to sort out who wins. Right now it looks like a game that came down to a potentially errant decision by the officials to refrain from making a semi-obvious call under the guise of “letting them play”.

Anyhow, if Philly was going to lose it’s probably better that the botched plays on special teams (missed field goal and extra point, terrible two-point conversion attempt as a result of those kicks) weren’t the result. The riots following the game would make those after the world series win look like a good-natured game of Candyland.

So this is our Super Bowl matchup: The Arizona Cardinals vs. The Pittsburgh Steelers. On one side: The gritty underdog that no one gave a chance to get past the second round, catching fire at the right time to knock off three favorites in fairly dramatic fashion. On the other side we have the team that was considered second best in their own conference all season, who played the toughest schedule in NFL history (nine games against playoff teams) and who’s defensive consistency is their defining characteristic. I’ll let you guess which is which, but we will say one thing: We’re actually excited for this game. As much as we like to discredit the Cardinals and consider them benefactors of a seriously flawed playoff format, they are in the Super Bowl, and we can’t think of a better conclusion to a season as fucked up as this one than a Arizona Cardinals Super Bowl victory.

It for today, back tomorrow with something.

Not exactly a barrel of laughs is this match-up, unless you include unintentional humor. To be honest, unless the Steelers are wearing their throwback unis with the yellow helmets I really can’t stand either of these teams. It’s a collection of inarticulate jock-tards trading witless barbs before they beat the shit out of each other for our amusement and millions of dollars. None of it is meant to be serious, but it’s treated like the apocalypse by both franchises (especially the Ravens). Even thought the NFC title game features what many would consider two undeserving teams, at least it seems to be recognized as entertainment by everyone except for the Eagles fans.

But yeah, I’m really partial to those yellow helmets. They’re fucking shiny, alright? What do you want from me.

Pittsburgh’s Outlook: Well, they certainly seem to be taking things in stride and not paranoid at all, right? Certainly they’re not buying into the “it’s impossible to beat a team three times in one season” credo. Considering I read on Deadspin yesterday that in the third game wherein one team has one the first two, they are 11-7 the third time around. So as you can see, they do not win an overwhelming amount of the time, but the notion that the team on the losing end of the first two games is destined to win is absurd.

Still, we’ve seen crazier things take place. The Ravens, even more than the Cardinals beating the Falcons, were lucky to sneak past the Titans. If Chris Johnson plays the entire game or if the refs catch that egregious delay of game (even though they did complete a 20 yard pass), things really could have swung in the Titans favor.

So everyone is picking against the Steelers, it seems. Despite their throttling of the Chargers and the fact that they’ll be at home in remarkably terrible weather going against a rookie quarterback (more on that later). Mind you, this is really the first time Willie Parker will be completely healthy going up against this Ravens defense. I know it’s a tad different than running against the Chargers, but It makes a significant difference when your next best option is Melwde Moore. Not to mention that Roethlisberger looked pretty efficient and like a playoff vet last week (something he hadn’t looked like until that moment). Personally, I think the Steelers fan base is one of the more needlessly paranoid in all of sports.

Baltimore’s Outlook: This team thrives on cliches, so naturally they’ve been playing the underdog card to the hilt this entire week and my God is it fucking irritable to listen too. Two things about the coverage of the Ravens and the Ravens themselves that has driven me nuts:

1) Derrick Mason talking shit to the Steelers and any opponent they may have down the road. He does realize that no one is afraid of their offense, right? That we’re all still relatively shocked when the offense successfully executes a play for over ten yards? If anyone is worried about being “ran over by the Ravens”, it is their defense and not their offense. Lord, you’d think that he already forgot that Kyle Boller and Anthony Wright have been throwing to him for the past three seasons.

2) I think it was someone on CBS’ pregame crew that said something along the lines of, “I think we should reconsider calling Joe Flacco a rookie anymore”. Hey nameless dipshit, “rookie” in and of itself is not exactly an insult. It signifies that you’re technically playing your first year in the league. It is, as far as the NFL is concerned, a technical term. No one is disparaging him by simply pointing out that he’d never taken a snap in the NFL before this season. It was kind of out of his hands, you know. Being born when he was. If only the NFL would let high schoolers into their league, then he’d be a seasoned vet, that’s assuming he could still walk.

Anyhow, now that we’re done venting all our disdain for the Ravens, let me explain why I think they could win: Turnovers. This is the brand of defense that thrives not on efficiency, but speed, intimidation and forced errors. Their defense is statistically worse than the Steelers, but if I’m a quarterback I’d rather going against Pitt. Let me put it this way, if they were playing Joe Flacco instead of Ben Roethlisberger, I’d consider them a shoe-in. Now it’s the proverbial coin flip. Also, while I think Parker is a better running option than the Ravens two running backs combined, McGahee and McClain are of a different brand. Parker is a speed back who’d actually benefit from ideal weather conditions, McGahee and McClain are better equipped to endure the harsher conditions.

As much as it pains me to say, they have a great shot to pull off the upset.

Manufactured ESPN Storylines: Is Baltimore the favorite since they’ve already lost twice to the team they’re playing? Can Baltimore win a Super Bowl with a rookie quarterback? Is Ed Reed going to take it out on Heinz Ward that he didn’t win defensive player of the year? Does either team have any sense of irony? Who would win in a Necessary Roughness style bar brawl? Will the American public stand for another Ravens Super Bowl?

Fantasy Implications: As mentioned yesterday, I’m really expecting more production out of the NFC game. Kickers, tight ends and especially defenses are ideal acquisitions here. And if you must veer into skill position territory, I wouldn’t go beyond Ward, Parker or Mason.

The Pick: With a seemingly inflated line of +6 for the Ravens, I’m taking them to cover the spread but for the Steelers to advance. Basically, if the weather is anything in Pittsburgh like it is in Columbus, I don’t expect either team to break 17 points, meaning the opposition only needs twelve to stay inside six. But between home field advantage and the comparatively veteran quarterback, the Steelers should be able to come out of the box with a win. Which naturally means they probably won’t.

Probably it for the week, enjoy the games on Sunday.

For the sake of posterity, we’re going to follow the same format we did for the divisional playoff previews, because that went so swimmingly.

Philly’s Outlook: Reportedly Andy Reid isn’t even allowing his team to watch footage from their Thanksgiving throttling of the Cardinals, because if recent history is any indication, that game took place on Neptune. I like this strategy, when nothing about the entity with which you are employed makes sense anymore, defy all conventional wisdom. Not to mention that that games was played in an arctic monsoon, it won’t really have the same pace as a match up between the same two teams indoors at University of Phoenix Stadium (I can’t begin to explain how fortunate Arizona is in this regard).

That said, I think Philly would have beaten Arizona anywhere on fateful Thanksgiving night. When the final score is 48-20, that definitely lends to the theory that if you’re not the better team in general, then you were definitely the better team at the time. Unfortunately, since this is the NFL, all that means is you are all the more susceptible to a loss at the next go-around. Basically, they are going to have to defy the odds to win on Sunday.

How do we suspect they do that? Well, if Donovan McNabb continues to be sub-par on 1st and 2nd down but deliver on 3rd, that sounds like the fitting stake they can drive into the hearts of the Cardinals, being that Arizona hasn’t had to overcome even a modicum of adversity in these playoffs. Also, Philly’s defense is considerably better than either Atlanta’s or Carolina’s; and I certainly hope that the Eagles aren’t underestimating the Cardinals like the two teams before them.

The odd thing about the Eagles in the past two games, however, is that the team has historically gone the way of Brian Westbrook. He was completely ineffectual against the Giants, and if it wasn’t for one screen pass that turned into a 70 yard touchdown everyone would say the same thing about his performance against the Vikings. But despite his considerable shortcomings, they’ve managed to win both games convincingly. With word coming out that he tweaked his ankle in the Giants game (though when doesn’t Westbrook tweak something?), one would assume they need him to beat the Cardinals since he broke off four touchdowns against them on Thanksgiving (being an unsuspecting fantasy victim of that is etched into my mind). But since they’ve done it without him against what many would assume to be far superior teams, it’s anyone’s ball game.

Basically, if the Eagles go into this game with a semblance of determination and do not take the Cardinals lightly, they should win fairly convincingly.

Arizona’s Outlook: The argument for the Cardinals seems to be that they’re a team of destiny. The win against the Falcons and the implosion of Jake Delhomme would seem to suggest as much. But can’t the same thing be said about the Eagles? Whose turnaround has been just as unexpected, even if it wasn’t as abrupt? I guess the question really is, whose destiny was to make the NFC title game and whose was to make/win the Superbowl? (Because questions like this are so logical)

I’ll let you know where I am siding in a second, but the Cardinals do have some things going for them. 1) They’re still the underdog. It has been a good year for the underdog in the 2008/09 NFL playoffs. As of now, they’re 6-2 in not just covering, but outright winning. In addition, both these teams have thrived off playing the “no one respects us” card as a motivator. The Cardinals still have this to their advantage, the Eagles do not. Unfortunately for them, they’re playing a team that’s even more of a fluke than they are.

2) They’re at home. Look, I know the Cardinals went out east and refuted all the naysayers who said they didn’t have a chance just because Arizona was 0-5 when on the Atlantic coast and Carolina was 8-0 at home (what tediousness). But it generally doesn’t drop below freezing in Charlotte, North Carolina. Come January in Philadelphia, you’re lucky if it stays above 20. And despite Arizona’s epic collapse at the end of the season taking place all over the country, their two worst games were at New England and at Philly. In other words, count your blessings, everyone associated with Arizona, that the second half of the NFL’s playoff seeding rarely makes any sense.

3) The team they’re playing is only 9-6-1. So far they’ve upset two teams from the NFC South that were 11-5 and 12-4 respectively. The Eagles regular season tribulations are widely reported and almost served as a springboard for their two week playoff run (they beat the Giants in week fifteen, took a week off against the Redskins and lost, then clobbered the Cowboys in week 17. It was truly inspiring). Conventional wisdom would suggest that this bodes well for the Cardinals.

ESPN Manufactured Storylines: Can Donovan McNabb with the “big one”? Is Kurt Warner’s playoff experience a factor? Can Anquan Boldin’s chiropractor cure cancer? Is Edgerrin James going to leave the Cardinals? Does DeSean Jackson upset small children with his self-boasting? Just how unsportsmanlike is Donovan McNabb and what goes on in his head? Because, you know, Donovan McNabb has such an extensive history of questionable on-field behavior. I’ll never forget the time he body slammed Terrell Owens in 2004.

Fantasy Implications: If you’re still reading this site for fantasy football all I can do is apologize. The URL has gotten very misleading in the past few weeks. In short: I expect a high scoring affair rivaled only by the Kurt Warner teams of old in St. Louis. Depending on how many moves you have left in the NFL.com Fantasy Playoff Challenge Extravaganza, I would put all my stock in this game except for my kicker and defense (Jeff Reed & Pittsburgh are the other viable options here) and fill the void in the Superbowl left by my vanquished players.

The Pick: If you can’t tell from the contrarian mess that was written up until this point, I’m not really taking this even a little seriously anymore. Earlier I asked which is the team of destiny to make the Superbowl and which to make the NFC Title game earlier. Well, since Arizona hadn’t won a home playoff game in 61 years and this will be the Eagles fifth NFC title game in eight seasons, it feels like Arizona’s destiny has already been met. I am taking Philly to win and to cover the four points they’re getting. It has been an unfathomable run for the Cardinals, but you can put asterisks next to both of their wins thus far (even if the win in Carolina was impressive).

Then again, this might be McNabb’s and Andy Reid’s fate: Relegated too good to great seasons but no Superbowl wins. To say the least, I can totally envision a scenario in which Arizona earns their trip to Tampa, but for a team that has won two games based on multiple freak occurrences that have constantly played in their favor, I have to take the Eagles.

AFC title preview tomorrow.

I have some good and bad news for the fantasy world: Much to the delight of Kansas City Chiefs fans, Scott Pioli has been named their new GM.

This implies a few things: 1) Herm Edwards might be out of a job unless he can charm his way into leading the Chiefs to another sub-500 record. 2) Assuming he is shown the door sooner rather than later, then the Chiefs should no longer be a black hole of suck for the NFL or fantasy owners. For the most part, they’ve only had one reliable player since Dick Vermeil left (Tony Gonzalez) and a slew of injury prone running backs. Just with Pioli being there, they could produce some notable players other than Gonzalez (and now Dwayne Bowe) even if Edwards keeps his job. And 3) We’re in the early stages of this team’s makeover, but regardless of what they look like heading into next season, no one will have any idea how to draft them.

Think of how the NFL works these days with the abrupt single season turnarounds from teams, the inconsistent week to week and season to season individual performances, and that’s just the on the field effects outlook of fantasy football. When you factor in all the clubhouse drama that can sway the incredibly fragile individual and collective psyche of these teams, everyone is guessing from the get-go. Throw in a new GM and a completely revamped offensive roster with (one would hope) a new quarterback, and you might as well auto-draft when it comes to the Chiefs.

While I’d be cautiously optimistic as a Chiefs fan for the upcoming season, as a fantasy participant I would just be cautious. There isn’t anything that says a new coach won’t come in and completely revamp this offense and turn Tony Gonzalez into primarily a blocker instead of a receiver (that’s assuming he stays in KC, which he probably won’t). What if they start a rookie quarterback who isn’t Matt Ryan? Will Dwayne Bowe warrant a high pick? Whose going to be the primary running back? Is Larry Johnson still reliable with a decent passing game? Whose there backup? If they draft a third round running back and keep Johnson, what will the division of carries look like?

So while it is almost impossible to predict how anyone’s fantasy season will go (with a few notable exceptions every year), it’s even more so with a new front office. Which is exactly what the Chiefs will be rolling in 2009’s season with. In short, Scott Pioli’s arrival in Kansas City should only strengthen the parity that the NFL goes out of its way to procure. I hope everyone outside of Missouri and Kansas is happy.

Actually, the good news for everyone else is the Patriots should be collapsing within the next decade. I, for one, welcome the trade off. Not for any spiteful reasons, the Chiefs just have a cooler stadium. It looks like a halfpipe.

So we’ve been sitting here at work, trying to think of something relevant to fantasy football to discuss about the NFL playoffs and we’re struggling to find the material. The best we can come up with is the connection between the abnormal nature of these games altering fantasy performances, but that seems kind of obvious. So we figured, what better than to rank the individual performers to date? It’s quick, easy.

Obviously a set of stated criteria is in order, so it will go like this:

-The bigger the numbers, the higher the rank. I just blew your mind, didn’t I?
-Only players still in the playoffs are eligible.
-Extra credit for having played in the wild card round. This is only a disadvantage for the Steelers, whom after they’re dispatching of the Chargers should be able to handle the setback.
-We’re going to break this off into a position by position ranking of the top three players at receiver, running back and tight end, and include all four defenses and starting quarterbacks.

Quarterbacks
1) Kurt Warner: Look at Larry Fitzgerald’s numbers, then take into consideration that Warner has occasionally completed passes to other receivers (though you wouldn’t believe it from looking at Fitzgerald’s numbers) and you’ll understand why.
2) Donovan McNabb: The best of the remaining, “don’t turn the ball over and you’ll be considered an asset” quarterbacks. His two games have combined for over 500 yards, 3 TD’s (one rushing) and 3 interceptions. Enough for second place.
3) Joe Flacco: Two touchdowns and just under three hundred yards passing in two games. He’s just like Trent Dilfer. Honestly, we’d mock the state of the NFL more, but what does it say about the state of the quarterback position (or the Ravens front office) that it took the Ravens roughly nine years to find Dilfer’s predecessor.
4) Ben Roethlisberger: we wanted to put you in front of Joe Flacco, Ben. But 17/28 and one touchdown doesn’t make up for playing in half as many games.

Running Backs
1) Willie Parker: Just to demonstrate how wonky this fucking season (and as it seems for the foreseeable future, the league) has been, a running back whose played only one game has produced as much as the eight running backs who comprise the backfield of the other eight teams left in the playoffs. 146 yards and two touchdowns is good enough for the top spot.
2) Tim Hightower: Even with the resurrection of Edgerrin James career that has resulted in two games for 99 yards rushing and two touchdowns, it has gotten him the #2 spot. Congrats on finishing in second place by default, Tim.
3) Willis McGahee: 94 rushing yards and a touchdown in each game land him the three spot. It’s in a landslide, really. Actually, Westbrook has a case to make with his 71 yard touchdown reception, but since it’s his only TD in two games, we gave the nod to The U alum, who’s fortunate to even have a career.

Wide Receivers
1) Larry Fitzgerald: Honestly, its been so good that we fault the defenses as much as we credit Larry, here. 12 catches for 267 yards and two scores in better than just about better than any two running backs not named Willie Parker.
2) Derrick Mason: Nine catches for 149 yards and a touchdown is an admirable two game performance, but looks like utter shit compared to Fitz (That’s short for Fitzgerald).
3) Anquan Boldin: Though he didn’t play against the Panthers, he had two catches for 72 yards and a touchdown against the Falcons.

Defenses
(This is the one category that we’ve actually seen some widespread efficiency in, so we’ll take it somewhat seriously)
1) Baltimore: Four forced fumbles, a blocked kick, five interceptions one of which Ed Reed returned for a touchdown and only 19 points allowed in two games earns them the top spot in a very stiff field.
2) Arizona: NINE turnovers which included one defensive touchdown against the Falcons that ended up being the difference in the game puts Arizona at #2.
3) Philadelphia: They’ve had a better overall defensive performance than Arizona (only allowing 25 total points to Zona’s 37), but this is a fantasy ranking. And four forced turnovers to the Cardinals eight isn’t enough to succeed them.
4) Pittsburgh: They gave up 24 points to the Chargers and forced no turnovers. One would think that holding a team to one offensive snap for an entire third quarter that turned out to be an interception would garner a higher ranking than this. But it’s pretty emblematic of how these playoffs have been.

That is to say, drab, passe and predictably unpredictable. Our last three Superbowl Champions have been six seeds, so this entire song and dance has gotten to the point of redundant. I don’t want to rehash what we said yesterday but just by looking at the above numbers, we now understand why we were so disinterested on Sunday. It wasn’t just the hangover we were sporting! It was partially due to the product on the field Huzzah! Plausible deniability!

Back tomorrow with something.

If you were surprised by anything that happened this week, then we don’t really know what to say. You should only be surprised that anyone you associate with was actually surprised. This, in a nutshell, is why we generally do not toy around with gambling on the NFL. Despite our success in the regular season, we’re having a difficult time understanding why anybody gambles on the NFL regularly, much less why it’s so immensely popular.

Basically, the best argument going against a college football playoff are their supposed template: The NFL playoffs. If the goal is to determine who the best team was all season (or at the end of the season), then it certainly seems like there is a glitch in the system. Unless the past five years or so have been a complete anomaly. I mean, you can’t compensate for teams not rising to the occasion, that’s on the teams themselves. But is anyone really convinced that any of these teams (with the exception of the Steelers) is the best the NFL had to offer?

Sure, you could call it sour grapes. After all, I went 1-3 in picking winners, and was 3-5 if you include my record against the line. But we had three road teams win, two of them handily (Philly, Arizona) and only one favorite actually show up. It can’t be entirely coincidental that the only home team to win was also the last game of the week. As they watched their counterparts be dispatched by uber-confident wild card teams. It wasn’t exactly a week where just my premonitions were under attack, but rather just conventional wisdom was assaulted by the stampede of parity that has dominated the NFL for about half a decade (and has reached a boiling point now).

I mean, if you’re a die hard NFL fan, aren’t even you having a difficult time taking any of this seriously? Our NFC representative in the Superbowl is going to have no better than a 9-6-1 regular season record. Pragmatics would probably tell you that both the Cardinals (in playoffs by virtue of playing in weakest division) and the Eagles (needed two other losses in week 17 to even qualify for the playoffs) shouldn’t have been in the playoffs in the first place. Essentially, we are looking at the polar opposite of Major League Baseball, where the inequity is palpable but as a result manages to make room for the occasional legitimate upset here and there. That’s opposed to the NFL, in which every team is more or less on equal footing (though some have geographical advantages) but where every team is vulnerable to a loss from virtually every other team. Especially in the playoffs.

As much as it pains me to say, but it seems that the only franchise that manages to live up to expectations as a #1 seed anymore is the Patriots (and also the Eagles the year they played each other). Certainly that sounds asinine on the heels of being on the losing end of the biggest upset in Superbowl history (or one of them), but for three years they came through accordingly. Who else can we say that about? At least they actually made the Superbowl last year and didn’t lose in the fucking divisional round. Jesus.

So yeah, the biggest disappointment over the weekend was that none of it seemed out of the ordinary. Outside of the Panthers clearly sleeping on the Cardinals, whom they only narrowly bested earlier in the season. We mentioned it before but we’re only kidding at the time in suggesting that maybe the Cardinals were pulling the wool over our eyes by losing so many games in such an embarrassing manner at the end of the season. The logic being that although they would (theoretically) be foregoing home field advantage, their opponents would be caught off-guard when an actual NFL team took the field. Again, at the time, we were only kidding.

Well, while I think they were inconceivably lucky throughout the course of that Falcons game, this strategy certainly worked against the Panthers. Who couldn’t have taken the Cardinals any less seriously than they did. Everyone is quick to (rightfully) jump on Delhomme for the six turnovers he alone accounted for, but if the team as a whole had actually approached this game as anything more than a formality, then they might have occasionally put a defender on Larry Fitzgerald, whose at least a top three receiver in the NFL.

But it goes without saying that the turnovers did them in. You might recall that while we were making picks during the regular season, Delhomme’s penchant for multiple turnover games was a constant point of stress for us. Naturally, because my gambling luck has been shit for about four months now, he saved said game for when we actually picked them to cover.

Anyway, that’s the only game we have plans to cover with any manner of depth. I’d like to get onto this website and detail every game in a flummoxed tone that would convey my disbelief, but I can’t lie to you people. That was the only game we watched and were somewhat stunned by, and really it was just a repeated turnovers from a quarterback whose prone to repeatedly turning the ball over. This brings my now abhorrent playoff record (if you include picking winners and against the line) to an epically bad 6-10. With the Eagles accounting for three of those correct picks.

Again, no fantasy commentary, we’ll try to right the ship later tonight.

Something has happened in the past couple weeks that seems to have made Baltimore the overwhelming favorite to win this game. Not in Vegas, of course, but in the media and just general public perception. Go read a neutral message board where this game is the topic. Overwhelmingly it seems that everyone is favoring Balmer. No idea how this happened, but I imagine it has something to do with Kerry Collins and the last time he faced the Ravens in the post-season.

Baltimore’s Outlook: Sporting the best in insanely energetic and intimidating defenses, the Ravens have made a resurgence of sort by acquiring a quarterback who doesn’t turn the ball over once every three possessions (whudda thunk it?). This has seemed to ignite the rest of the team, knowing their not going to be crippled by the worst starter they have, who just happens to also play the most important position. It’s a new day in Baltimore.

This team, much like the Eagles and Chargers, are peaking at exactly the right time. There defense is almost guaranteed to force turnovers, and as stated above, with Kerry Collins at the helm for the opposing offense, I can understand why most in Baltimore are feeling confident. Great defense, multiple threats at running back and a serviceable passing game often make for a Superbowl champion.

However, there is this little notion of having a rookie quarterback that should put more on edge. Sure, he’s a vast improvement over Kyle Boller or or Anthony Wright or Chris Redman (basically any quarterback that has ever played for the Ravens not named Vinny Testaverde), but he’s still a rookie. Regardless of how promising he looks. And a rookie on the road against a statistically better defense than the one he plays with can often be cause for concern for a team in the post-season.

Tennessee’s Outlook: Best record in the NFL, top five running game, top three coach and top three defense, so why is everyone picking against them? Weak close to the season would be my best guess. Sure, some of it was malaise and injury (notably: Albert Haynesworth), but that is definitely going to alter the perception of everyone with an opinion. Those of you who were confident are a little shaken, and those who were skeptical have leaped off the bandwagon they were dangling from the edge of in the first place.

Still, this team manhandled the Steelers in week sixteen and one of their three losses on the season was to the Colts the following week, where they basically threw in the towel because they had already locked up the conference’s one seed for the playoffs. One would think that would be enough to keep the bandwagon strong, but longterm memories (and by longterm, I mean beyond the previous week) are non-existent in sports, especially the NFL. “What have you done for me lately” also translates loosely into, “was it done before or after your next opponent’s recent accomplishment? Because that determines who I’m picking”.

Baltimore beat a sorry Jags team in a must win week 17 situation and absolutely destroyed the Dolphins in their wild card game, so, that’s the common consensus. Baltimore will beat the Titans. But I think this is shortsighted. How much is the dismissal of Tennessee is substantive based and how much is reactionary and superficial? Tennessee, while having the second best defense all season, rarely forced turnovers. They’re almost completely devoid of a highlight reel for a season that has to be considered a resounding success. No Ed Reed’s or Ray Lewis’. The closest thing the Titans have to anyone like that is Haynesworth, and he’s a defensive tackle. There isn’t a lot of flash to be had at defensive tackle.

ESPN Manufactured Storylines: What’s Vince Young’s mindset? How’s Vince Young reacting to his team accomplishing so much while he’s on the sideline? Can Vince Young rebound from the setback earlier in the season? Will Vince Young play? Is this team better with Collins next year? What if Collins struggles early, do they play Vince Young? You might have noticed that these are all mild variations on about two different subjects, and I wouldn’t expect anything different.

Fantasy Implications: Defenses should carry the day here. Your better off going with players at skill positions who aren’t facing such distinctly tough adversaries in the NFL.com Playoff Fantasy Challenge Extravaganza. LenDale White’s had three weeks off now, Lord knows what he’s going to look like coming out of the tunnel.

The Pick: Look, I’m just as frightful about the potential for another Baltimore Ravens Superbowl as anyone. The team is streaking, they seem to have a competent coach (this is the NFL right? How often do we see one competent coach replaced with another? This has to be considered a milestone), and every thing seems to simply be working in their favor. But I can’t ignore how dominant the Titans looked all season. These teams played week five in Baltimore, where the Titans won 13-10. A lot has changed since then, namely Collins and Flacco have had time to adapt to their current surroundings. Given that the game was played in Baltimore and Tennessee still won with a 40 year-old quarterback, I think I’m going with the minority and taking the Titans to win and cover.

As evidenced by when I am writing this, though, I am in no way confident about it. And yes, I am aware I am taking the favorites to win every game and to cover all but one of them, and that in a year with this much parity, that is extremely improbable. Fuck it, after last week I’m on tilt and almost have to do this.

Enjoy the games everyone.