Fantasy Football

Outside of explaining what each symbol indicates and how we’re tallying these up, I think we’re going to skip the preambles tonight. Oh, and Tom Brady threw a football again today, which managed to be the headliner for the NFL over at the Worldwide Leader. Just thought we’d toss that out there if you were wondering why we’re posting about basketball for the third straight day. If you require an explanation for such drastic actions, please go here for it.

The grades for officiating are labeled as such:

Great non-calls (A foul would generally be called in the situation but the referee caught the lack of contact): 00
Legitimate calls/good non-calls (Exactly what it sounds like): 0
Questionable calls (Calls that an argument could be made either way for but looked suspicious): /
Atrocious calls (fouls and called penalties that had no business being made): X
When the time on the call is bold and italicized, it means the call was obvious. We don’t want to give them too much credit for what should be routine.

Again, if you’re wondering what the strands of numbers at the end of each quarter mean, see if this makes any sense (the parentheses only apply to the second and third quarters):

Great non-calls (total for game)-Legitimate calls, those that were impossible for the official to botch (totals for both in parentheses)-Questionable calls (total in parentheses)-Atrocious calls (total in parentheses).

1st Quarter

9:44- Cleveland is called for a touch foul on Howard in the paint, he converts the three point-play. I’m not sure who touched him or who they called the foul on though. /

9:22- West called for tripping Courtney Lee. Looks reasonable. 0

9:00- Lewis gets called for grazing LeBron’s arm on a put back off a missed Varejao layup. There was contact, but it was about a second after LeBron tipped it back in. X

8:49- Dwight Howard called for a travel and he indeed took an extra step, but it looked like he might have traveled because he was hacked by Illgauskas (why would Howard have to travel on Illgauskas otherwise?). Still, we had no angle on any contact so we can’t rule on a potential foul either way. 0

7:09- A foul is called on Mo Williams when he isn’t within three feet of the play or any Orlando Magic players. Your guess is as good as mine. X

6:59- It looks like LeBron is hacked going to the rim, can’t really tell because they use that floating camera from the rafters to give us this particular play. 0

6:01- Illgauskas and Varejao tag-team Howard, like they need too. On the same play, Miller and Albert suggest that Illgauskas could have been called for a technical after he walks towards Howard in the least threatening way possible. He literally looks like he’s about to ask for directions, but not pull a knife on him.0

3:29- Mark Davis calls an off-the-ball foul three seconds too late for having the gall to touch Dwight Howard. I like how neither network will replay these calls, we just have to take them at their word, even though everyone was literally just standing around and the whistle blew. X

3:12- Pietrus reaches in to poke the ball away from leBron and is successful, but the official calls body, something we can’t attest to either way given (again) the camera angle. /

2:28- West is called for a travel after picking up his dribble too early going baseline. 0

"Focus, motherfucker! Focus!"

2:20- Mo Williams is called for bumping Anthony Johnson, AKA Day Day from The Wire. It looked like bullshit but if anything else, we know it wasn’t a star call. Anthony Johnson probably hasn’t gotten preferential treatment since high school. /

1:47- The ref bought that Boobie Gibson sent Rashard Lewis’ tall ass flying to the hardwood (that wasn’t intentional but we’re not changing it). /

1:21- Ben Wallace, as evidenced by the second half of game four, is one of the better defenders on Dwight Howard and forces a jump ball with him. Amazingly there isn’t a foul call. 0

1:05- Good no call amidst much contact between Howard, Szczberiak and Wallace on a Pietrus three. 0

:58.3- Pietrus is called for foul while trying to defend him going through the lane on a pick. It was on the opposite side of the court and behind a couple people. You’ll never guess it but we didn’t get a replay. /

0-7, 3-5-3

Note: If the game keeps up at this pace we may have called it quits early, but since we watched games 1, 2 and 4 in their totality, I don’t think we can make those proclamations.

2nd Quarter

11:37- Dwight Howard shoves LeBron in the back for an offensive rebound (which we’ve always considered one of the dirtier fouls in basketball, because there is no way to counter it), Wally is called for a technical foul after pretend pushing Howard in the back. Apparently he feels the same way about the push in the back foul that we do, because there is no other explanation for his reation. That’s par for the course in these playoffs. So we’ll mark both of them as applicable. 0 0

10:17- Pietrus is called for his third foul, all of which have been on LeBron. He might as well call it a night with the way they’re calling him. Between him tonight, Nene last night and Varejao the night before, I think the officials are more likely to start another melee than they are to stop one./

9:43- Dwight Howard is hacked by Illgauskas on a three point-play. 0

9:33- Dwight Howard is called for his second foul when LeBron decides now is a good time to draw a foul from Howard and starts to plow into him, realizes Howard is basically the only person in the league stronger than he is. /

9:21- Gortat is fouled driving on a pick and roll.0

9:03- Good no call on a LeBron bank shot. We imagine any decisive no calls will fall in Cleveland’s favor tonight. 0

8:34- Courtney Lee is leveled by Illgauskas on a fast break, it looks a lot worse than it is because of the size discrepancy. You can tell Cleveland is a football town because the entire crowd “oooh’s” like they just watched a safety drill a receiver going across the middle. They haven’t seen such a play in twenty years so you can imagine their excitement. 0

7:51- Mo Williams is called for grazing the top of Rashard Lewis’ head on a fast break. X

7:34- Karma’s a bitch when Lewis is called for trying to run his forearm into Illgauskas chest too…create space, maybe? I have no idea but the way these games are officiated he had to have known what was coming. 0

7:00- West gets a continuation call that is so egregious everyone stopped defending him since it was called a decade before he released the shot. X

6:04- Van Gundy is livid about a no-call when Turkoglu drives to the hoop and the ball is batted away by Varejao after he spends around West. The good news is we actually got a replay and it looked clean from mine eyes. We might be biased though since we really don’t want this series to end. Gundy gets a technical for his best Bill Cowher impression. 0

5:38- Varejao is called for grabbing Howard in the paint on a rebound attempt. 0

5:19- Howard called for the goal-tend, which I’d be willing to bet he also led the league in. 0

3:26- Hand check call on Illgauskas when he’s guarding Howard in the paint. This is easily the most ineffectual hand-check in this insipid rule’s history, but it’s still a foul. 0

2:18- Howard goes up for a bucket, misses it and claims he is fouled, a teammate gets the offensive rebound and someone fires up a three while he is still complaining yet he still pulls down the second offensive board on the same possession and is immediately banged on by Illgauskas. The refs give him enough time to put a shot up so he can earn the and-1. 0

2:08- Alston called for a touch foul when Williams drives to the left, we can’t speak on it since Williams is between the camera and Alston. /

:45- Turkoglu is called for a foul on a LeBron drive, Albert tells us he was pushed but we can’t tell either way. Looked suspicious to us and we don’t trust Albert not to protect the label. /

0-12,6(19,9)-2(7)-4(7)

We don’t really track the game in these things because it would require too much rewinding/pausing/fast-forwarding to follow the officiating and the game. Either we’re not cut out for this or we’re not being paid enough. But it’s a two point game at half.

3rd Quarter

9:47- Good no call when LeBron bitches about being fouled and any contact was minimal. I imagine if Orlando hadn’t sucked the life out of this crowd he would have gotten that call. 0

7:50- Alston called for the clear path foul and we’re kind of on the fence on this rule. Based on the merits of this rule it was a terrible call (as Reggie Miller so succinctly explains), but it doesn’t really matter because the rule is shit, anyways. X

6:51- Alston called for reaching in on an Illgauskas drive (seriously) which he converts into a three point-play. He definitely reached but even with the replay we can’t tell if he actually touches him. We’ll give them the benefit of the doubt. 0

6:07- Lewis called for a foul when Illgauskas pushes off of him in the post. X

5:38- Howard called for travel. 0

5:16- James fouled on fast-break by Turkoglu. 0

4:25- Foul called on Varejao and it’s legitimate, but the whistle is blown before they make contact. I guess Varejao had a look in his eyes. 0

4:11- Illgauskas cops a feel off Howard’s entire right arm. Between this and the premature foul call on Varejao I think the Cavs are putting vodka in those little Gatorade cups. 0

3:30- Lewis catches an interior pass from Howard, holds it for a second before the ball goes flying out of bounds when a couple defenders rush over and they call it out on Orlando. /

3:02- Illgauskas draws a foul on Howard, giving Howard three for the night. 0

2:08- Varejao flops when defending Howard, the crowd buys it but the officials don’t because he does it at least twice a game. 0

1:58- Varejao draws an and-1 off a foul from Howard, we never get a replay on it but from afar there isn’t much arguing to be had. 0

This game, much like the movie, should come in at just under four hours.

1:45- Turkoglu gets Varejao (this is exhausting, I feel like I’m talking about Lord of The Rings characters) off the ground, but doesn’t have to jump into him, because jumping straight into the air is a foreign concept to Varejao. 0

1:25- Szczerbiak is called for a non-shooting foul on Lewis because he has no business ever playing in this game so long as Joe Smith is available, and he knows it (I mean Szczerbiak, but Smith is probably well aware of this too). 0

0-11,6(30,15)-1(8)-2(9)

4th Quarter

11:16- Anthony Johnson is cleanly blocked by Boobie Gibson, which he’ll never hear the end of. 0

10:45- LeBron is called for a blocking foul on…Michel Pietrus? And it looked clean? We’re still in “The Q”, right? /

10:32- Turkoglu is called for a foul trying to steal the ball from Wallace like he’s his younger brother and he’s ten year’s old. 0

9:50- Gortat jumps on LeBron’s back after an offensive rebound like he was expecting LeBron to put him on his shoulders. 0

7:44- The refs refrain from blowing the whistle on a LeBron drive in which he stumbles back after his missed shot. 0

7:36- Illgauskas fouls Howard. 0

7:14- Pietrus is called for his fourth foul, all four on LeBron. At this point I’m pretty sure everyone whose played more than twenty minutes has four fouls.0

6:58- Illgauskas is called for lightly shoving Howard. The crowd doesn’t like it, Miller defends it, I will say that in this climate it is obviously going to be called, but it really had no effect on the play. 0

6:00- James is fouled by Howard on a three point-play. 0

4:46- West is called for a foul on a three point “attempt” by Turkoglu. The reason for the quotations is Turkoglu had no intention of going into a shooting motion until West tried to put a vulcan death grip on Hedo’s member. Has to be called but I don’t like calling it a shooting foul, regardless of the blatant disregard for personal space. /

2:22- LeBron forces three point-play when Howard slides in a millisecond too late to draw the charge. If the Cavs blow this nine point lead I’m going back to my default position of disregarding all Cleveland sports. 0

2:08- Varejao called for a blocking foul on a Pietrus three point-play. Crowd doesn’t like it (though they seem oftentimes confused), but that’s only because it was so unorthodox with Pietrus driving west to east instead of north to south. 0

1:07- Ugh, the game’s already over but Gortat is called for a downey soft foul on a Varejao three point-play. Do you know how to tell it’s soft and probably ill-advised? Varejao just converted a three point-play. X

1:07- Discontent to let this half go by relatively fairly officiated, the refs make a colossally terrible foul call on Wally before the ball is thrown in-bounds. X

1:02- Varejao fouls out on a Rashard Lewis drive. The contact is completely sealed off from the camera by both players but we don’t get a replay. /

1:00- Shit, Orlando isn’t going to go back home gracefully, as Gortat wraps up Illgauskas, who’s probably the best free throw shooting big-man on either side of Houston. 0

:46.8- Illgauskas fouls out while contesting a jump shot from Turkoglu for god knows what reason. 0

:41.7- Mo Williams is intentionally fouled.0

:28.8- Williams is intentionally fouled again. Why are the Magic doing this? Because Reggie Miller is calling the game? 0

0-14,8-3-2

0-30,15-8-9

Final Tallies:

Great non-calls: 0

Legitimate calls/good non-calls: 44 (23 of which were obvious)

Questionable calls: 11

Atrocious calls: 11

Alright, of the three games we watched this is the best we’ve seen so far, and there was still a tinge of favoritism shown towards the home team. But by and large, if you just look at the percentages only 1/6 of the officials decisions we’re face-meltingly bad, and another six we regarded as highly debatable, relegating any favoritism to marginal at best. Yes, Howard and Turkoglu both fouled out, but so did Varejao. There was only a seven shot gap in free throw shooting which actually favored the Magic (41-34). From what we saw tonight and the past two, the people that tend to benefit from official interference are marketable players that illicit strong reactions from home fans and (depending on how transcendent the player), occasionally a player like LeBron James can benefit from fans inadvertently getting him a couple calls.

All in all, this results in a relatively fairly matched game with a slight edge to the more valuable players and too many calls on soft/non-existent fouls. Again, this is all op-ed but I don’t really have a horse in this race (I’m from Ohio but any connection I might have with the Cavs is strictly platonic, they could move to Zurich for all I care), so I’d like to think that I’m being as objective as possible. Though like I said before, I don’t want these series’ to end. I need a surplus of NBA coverage before we go on hiatus and I have to wait out two months of non-stop baseball coverage.

Back next week, hopefully with something football related.

We got started late but since this is a Lakers game we didn’t miss much early. For what we did miss, we apologize. It will never happen again. We’re not going to go into some tortured preamble again about why we’re doing this. If you do want to read the explanation for why we’re writing about the NBA on a NFL fantasy blog, go here. Or just roll with it. I recommend rolling with it, the only thing more obnoxious than unnecessary open tabs is meaningless explanations for writing blog posts no one really reads.

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Given the unbelievable heap of garbage that is NFL news today, we’re going to do something slightly different and modify the site for at least today, if not the rest of the week. And when I say modify, I mean write about an entirely different sport. I guess our dark secret (as it pertains to this site at least) is that we probably prefer the NBA to the NFL. The NBA is much more laid back, enjoyable league that isn’t nearly as cantankerous as the NFL has grown to be in recent years. And with all the talk of how LeBron would fair in the NFL draft and the league itself, we figured we’d switch sports for a couple days.

This is basically our entire justification for doing this.

That said, the issue of officiating has grown increasingly divisive. Some claim conspiracy theories (certain players and teams being favored), others incompetence (the majority of the referees are bumbling idiots), and some think everyone complaining about the officiating is much ado about nothing (though this seems to be a distinct minority). I fall probably in the middle, but since the ineptitude works both ways any impact is objective. But between Mark Cuban, Tim Donaghy, the 2006 NBA finals and the ever-growing divergence of officiating between the stars and utility players, no one can stand to lose a close game without pinpointing a series of or one specific foul call/no call at a pivotal point in the contest.

So what’s my point? Well, in all our nerd-dom, we decided that actually monitoring a couple of these games and breaking down ho the actual foul calls, penalty calls and missed/impressive non-calls. Overall, the results were about what we expected for an overtime game and while their were numerous eyebrow raises, they stayed pretty consistent. Which I think is what most players and coaches in the league ask for. For each call/non-call we broke them down into the categories with the following symbols:

Great non-calls (A foul would generally be called in the situation but the referee caught the lack of contact): 00
Legitimate calls/good non-calls (Exactly what it sounds like): 0
Questionable calls (Calls that an argument could be made either way for but looked suspicious): /
Atrocious calls (fouls and called penalties that had no business being made): X
When the time on the call is bold and italicized, it means the call was obvious.

Mind you, this is completely subjective and many might have seen things differently (on one call in particular), but this wasn’t exactly Kobe Doin’ Work, we were limited to the camera angles TNT offered us, and the majority of the time these plays were considered innocuous so we seldom got replays. Also, we wrote this while watching the game last night and not only did we not have time for any editing, we didn’t think we’d be posting this anywhere in public, so we apologize for any typos.

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With the dwindling number of NFL headlines, it’s making it easier and easier for me too mail-in my responsibilities for this site. It’s kinda nice, actually, not having to do anything. I could get used to it in June. Basically the only news circulating of any relevance is the ongoing Anquan Boldin saga, and the will he or won’t he speculation pertaining to his tenure with the Cardinals. The news this time around? He intends to fire his agent (note: he has since officially left Rosenhaus).

There are a couple of things about this story that I love and hate. One, I loathe Drew Rosenhaus and his self-promoting bullshit as much as the next guy who has no financial stake in the outcome of these contracts; but I’m a tad befuddled by a player firing his agent because of his inability to trade him. Because, you know, why would an agent intentionally sabotage his client’s chances of being trade and in all likelihood seeing an increase in pay, thus increasing the agent’s take home? This seems like it might be a structural problem with how the NFL and its franchises operate.

We couldn't find a picture of him with a shirt on. Sorry.

Additionally, this is kind of tantamount to the shallowness and urgency of sports reporting, particularly in the NFL. We can’t even wait for Boldin to actually bring down the hammer for the story to be reported. Some word of mouth reached the wrong guy, he told his friend at ESPN and that friend made it a story so to get the scoop. In case you feel like you’re reading this incorrectly, breaking a story before there even is a story to break is the new (arguably necessary) foundation for sports journalism, an industry growing in irrelevance that has everyone so paranoid reports are being released along the lines of “Boldin plans to change agents”.

I don’t know about everyone else, but I’m looking forward to the day when a Tom Brady dream is a lead story on Sportscenter. We can speculate about what it means for his future prospects, if it has any basis in this reality and if whether or not he’s going to put any stock in it. Of course, Boldin isn’t Tom Brady so he doesn’t get the same level of coverage. We have yet to analyze a state of his subconscious. He is hardly a litmus test.

All kidding aside (sort of), we can’t imagine why Boldin is so desperate to get out of Arizona. We’ve pondered this numerous times before, but it seems to suit what the majority of NFL players seek out in a franchise and what Boldin himself would look for: It’s a warm weather climate, they play in a dome, he has one quarterback who can reach him and another waiting in the wings whose showed promise, the team isn’t overly dependent on him despite being one of their biggest playmakers and he is amply compensated. What is he seeking exactly? Some misguided sense of respect after they benched him in a playoff game they won? He’s in for a world of hurt when he’s traded to New England, Tennessee or Pittsburgh or some other team accustom to winning on a regular basis and not just once every thirty or forty years.

Anyhow, if and when he’s traded we suspect his fantasy value will drop him at least five picks on average, if not more. Shit, Randy Moss’ value plummeted when he went from the Raiders to the Patriots, we can’t imagine Boldin’s fate will be any different.

Just a real quick post done out of sheer obligation before we head out for the long weekend. We say out of sheer obligation because there is absolutely nothing of interest we can write about in these last twenty minutes at work, so we’ll just mail in the two lead stories from ESPN’s NFL home page.

Anyways, despite being from the region we don’t particularly like any of these four teams, so it’s kind of frustrating it seems to pan out that we’re always writing about them. But this warrants mentioning, if for not other reason than too throw a wrench in whatever premature fantasy draft plans you may have: Braylon Edwards says he’s eager to stay in Cleveland. What? Who has the photos and what do they entail? Because I don’t think Edwards has ever come out and asked for release/trade, he’s been plenty…opinionated about the team, the city and their fans. If anything I’d expect him to drift through mini-camp, sulk in private, maybe make an off-hand remark here and there until he was traded. Now he’s “eager” to suit up for the Browns? God damn it, Braylon. Could you at least develop a persona that I can set my watch too? Can you at least give me a good indicator as too how many passes you’re going to drop this season relative to how many you plan on catching?

Anyways, your guess is as good as mine for fantasy, but if you’re a Browns fan this is extremely good news. You have at least one skill position player that isn’t facing extensive prison time, been traded for ten cents on the dollar, demanding contract renewal or retiring. All the off-the-field bright spots should make the Cavs pending heartbreaking loss to the Magic all the easier to endure (I’m waffling on whether or not it will actually happen, but if the Cavs win it will be in 7. Though I picked the Magic to win the east back in November).

We might as well change this to an AFC North blog because it seems to be all we discuss. If all the crazy shit that happens in the AFC North happened in the NFC East, I’m pretty sure ESPN would devote an entire network too it. The biggest dilemma we face here at Talking Fantasy Football is half the division doesn’t have cheerleaders. By god, man. What are we to do for pictures?

Given the context this seems completely appropriate.

James Harrison has been in the news recently for criticizing the white house because they had the gall to invite his team for winning the Super Bowl, when he knows full well they would never invite him….just because. It was later told that he has a fear of flying, and somehow this factors into his reluctance to accept that total fraud of an invitation. But if we’ve learned one thing over the past six years it is this: You do not question, besmirch, or even look Barack Obama in the eye. Harrison should have known better, and now his kid and pit bull have suffered the consequences of his ill-thought actions.

Yes, in case you haven’t heard, James Harrison’s dog attacked his son, and I’m not going to call this karma with any sort of seriousness, because that would be absurd (not to mention that it wouldn’t make any sort of literate sense). But I do question the logic of anyone owning a pit bull as a house pet, ever, much less when you have a two year-old child. I’m not exactly the dog whisperer, but to the best of my knowledge, pit bulls are known for their aggressiveness. Maybe it’s only when provoked, but does a two year-old understand when he may be provoking a dog? I would have, because I’ve always hada tremendous foresight, but your average two year-old? I think not.

Anyways, this story is too depressing and strange to drone on about, so we’re going to cut our losses and call it a week. Back Tuesday with news from the long weekend. I know, I can’t wait for it to be over either.

It looks like the self-importance of the NFL has decided to take the day off in honor of Mike Vick’s return to his home confinement, so we’re left scrambling for something to write about. We were going to do a Wire-NFL players comparison (with Vick obviously being “Cheese” Wagstaff), but that just seemed tedious and random since the series has been canceled for over a year now.It’s still better than anything on television or in theater, but a year in the rear-view.

There is, however, trouble in the NFL’s wasteland, better known as the state of Ohio. Josh Cribbs, a great return man and a third rate receiver, refuses to meet or talk to Eric Mangini until his contract is renewed. I’m not sure how he expects this to happen unless he talks to one of the people who’ll determine whether or not his current deal is restructured, but god bless. I’m sure it’s just posturing, but we fully encourage it. The more distractions the team has, the likelier they are to keep that streak of missing the playoffs going. It would be considerably longer if they hadn’t ruined it in 2002 when they made the wild card, only to lose in devastating fashion in the first round to the Steelers. Nice job, overachievers.

On the opposite end of the state, Carson Palmer is lamenting the fact he has to play with Chad Johnson. He didn’t mind before, but you have to admit that when you discover you’re teammates with a guy who legally changes his name to two single digit numbers in a foreign language, it’s pretty devastating. I’m sure Palmer was always under the impression that he knew, beneath the abnormal and semi-rough exterior lied a vulnerable, confused young man. This whole name change thing solidifies that no, in fact, he was just a uber attention-seeking douchebag, and now Palmer must feel betrayed. Now he’s lashing out in unrelated ways, complaining about Johnson’s absence at a meaningless practice in May even though he probably doesn’t really want him there. Hey, Carson, it wasn’t the Cinco who busted up his knee; going to practices in May to get back in game shape is your problem, not the Cinco’s. The Cinco is free to operate as he sees fit, and that’s to hang out on the lake drinking Mai-Tai’s while the weather in Ohio is tolerable.

Anyhow, between these, the news that Stallworth’s arraignment has been delayed a month and Hard Knocks coming to Bengals mini-camp, these are some exciting times in Ohio. The last time the NFL atmosphere was so palpable in this state, the Steelers were crushing the Bengals in the playoffs after taking out their quarterback. At this point in the two team’s history, at least for the past twenty years, is a prank being pulled on the masses. After endless draft busts, disappointing losses, injuries, and every other type of bad break imaginable, you have to be able to laugh at the circumstances. If only football were just a game in this country.

Ah well.

Back tomorrow with something similar.

Pretty slow news day(s) for the NFL. The big news, obviously, is Mike Vick being released from federal prison. To be honest, he’s so regularly been apart of the sports news cycle I barely had time to notice his absence. If I gave a shit about the Falcons I may have, but I don’t, so I didn’t. My apologies to the guy who part owns Home Depot.

What's not to love about this photoshop?

From a fantasy perspective, there are a slew of teams that could use a speed-demon like Vick. But will he have maintained his athleticism? Can he re-adapt to the NFL? Which franchise will be willing to take the PR hit? Will he play quarterback? Running back? Wildcat? These are all questions that have been pondered and milled over at least 1,000 times by sports pundits, local radio, national radio, NFL analysts, beat writers, columnists, every sports blog but this one and anyone who weeps during those Sarah Mclachlan commercials. And I’ll freely admit, it is intriguing. But thinking he has any place in the NFL right now is delusional at best and idiotic at worst. Right now I’d trust Mike Vick to bench-press my Cobalt long before I’d trust him to helm the QB position on my NFL team.

If I’m ranking top five teams that could use the on-field qualities the notorious dog killer has to offer, I’d go with Miami, Tampa Bay, Cleveland, Tennessee and San Fransisco. But Miami’s not touching them because Bill Parcells makes the personnel decisions, Tampa Bay already has too much invested into too many players at QB, and they feel they’re covered at receiver, Cleveland is coached by a guy who desperately wants to be Bill Belichick but is trying so hard to be “efficient” that he’s going the opposite way, Tennessee won’t take him because they don’t need no stinkin’ receivers (or at least that’s the impression they’re giving) and San Fran can acquire him if they want, but if they play him at QB he has no receivers (and two years off), and if they play him at receiver he has no quarterback. Also, I’m willing to guess that the main hub for PETA is somewhere around the Bay Area, so that should be fun.

Ultimately, the best place for him to end up on a football roster would be Miami, but Parcells would have traded him for a seventh round draft pick six years ago, there is no way in hell he’s acquiring him as a free agent now. But I think most of us will openly admit that Mike Vick would be ideal for the Wildcat, regardless of how short-lived the offensive formation ends up being. Between him and his limited accuracy, Williams and Brown, they might even be able to stay above .500 in 2009.

So it looks like he’s going to be forced to sit out a year, which for him and whatever franchise that might be willing to take (what they’ll perceive as) a chance on Vick, will probably be for the best. It will give him a year to readjust and serve as a litmus test for prospective buyers (sorry for the tinge of casual racism here), and if all parties involved are more clear on what they’re getting into, the better a chance this has too ending well*.

*= This isn’t going to end well.

Back tomorrow with something.

There really isn’t jack shit going on that has any bearing with fantasy football…but there are a bunch of inconsequential headlines worth relaying that everyone will forget about by next week. In other words: It’s like every other day in the NFL off-season, but with a surplus of off-the-field news. Without further ado, here’s the day’s big ticket items that none of you cared about.

J-Dog doesn't go to the white house, the white house comes to J-Dog.

Tony Kornheiser is “stepping down” from his role as third man in the booth on Monday Night Football. I’m pretty unphased by this because I’m not sure if an NFL booth really needs a third man (or why MNF is so persistent on insisting it does), but the masses seem almost relieved. Not that it’s unexpected, one thing that everyone can agree to hate is whoever is broadcasting these games unless it’s John Madden. Of course, I’m the same guy who thinks Dennis Miller was unfairly critiqued since I prefer a few deterrants to whatever (usually) dull fucking NFL game I happen to be watching, so I’m not exactly the voice of the people here. But I’m willing to be that Kornheiser is going to be missed once Jon Gruden makes his presence known in that booth. Honestly, wasn’t it just four or five years ago when Gruden was considered among the best up and coming coaches in the game? Now he’s hosting Monday Night Football. Who says coaching an NFL team isn’t a losing proposition?

If you’re having a difficult time getting a grasp on just how popular the NFL is in this country, maybe this will help you out: Terrell Owens entering Buffalo’s city limits is now considered a headline. Actually, this is kind of groundbreaking. I think Terrell Owens flying into upstate New York with the intention of spending the remainder of his career there is a good indication of how far he’s fallen from the glory days in San Fran/one season in Philly. Something that I’m sure everyone can agree on, even Bills fans should you get one of them drunk and alone. This is like Livia Soprano going from Green Grove to a state ran facility.

James Harrison is turning down his invitation to the white house. It’s the second time he’s done so (the first time was in 2005, after the Steelers won their last title), so calm down ardent administration defenders and whoever else. In fact, I would be surprised if Harrison even knows who the current president is. No, Harrison’s reason for turning down multiple invitations to the white house — and I think I’m reading this right — is he feels like it’s a sham since they only get invited if they win the title. Like, he feels his team should be appreciated enough to get invited to the white house just because it’s a Wednesday, not because they win the title. I’m not really sure what to make of this other than it’s the oddest boulilbase I can recall of contrarian logic and entitlement. This is all the more astounding when you consider that the Rooney’s (who I’m certain have traditionally voted republican), not only donated to the Obama campaign, but used their platform to actively campaign for him. I guess Obama just doesn’t respect who butters his bread.

And finally, if a prominent NFL player not understanding the significance of being invited to the white house by the president wasn’t depressing enough for you: Jim Johnson is going on sabbatical for chemo treatments. For those who don’t know and are too indifferent to click on the link, Johnson is the defensive coordinator for the Eagles, and regardless of how undermanned that team has been (they’ve been perennially weak on the D-line, especially since losing Kearse) or whatever adversity the team may have been going through on the other side of the ball, the defense was always a beacon of reliability. Throughout the years he’s made Andy Reid and the many offensive coordinators who’ve come through there only to move onto new jobs look much better than they’ve had any business looking. Given the seeming dearth of decent men populating the NFL and the fact we’re Eagles fans, even more so than we typically would we’re wishing him a full and speedy recovery.

Back tomorrow with something a little more lively, I hope.

You’ve probably heard the rumors: That I’m washed up, that my best years are behind me and I’m a shell of my former self. That our team is falling apart, our defense can’t stay out of prison, our GM and front office are bumbling idiots and our coach has lost even a semblance of control of the team. I can’t really refute any of that, but it is our time. Our time to return to the middle of the pack, where we rightfully belong and where I was destined to take us. And I think you all know where that is….

…to HBO, Bitches! Yeah bro, the arrest record probably helped our cause with Hard Knocks, but anyone who’s anyone knows they’re here for the Palmster. I’m going to bring the pain unlike any overrated quarterback before me. Be it Tony Romo, Kyle Boller or anyone who came in the meantime. Even Brody Croyle’s wife has nothing on the charisma and charm I bring to the small screen. Plus, I get to break out the cannon again. Who doesn’t want to watch me stutter and stammer in the pocket because I haven’t demonstrated any poise since the island of Kauanakaki reared its ugly head to snap my leg on my one career playoff completion? Nobody. I’m from USC, I have star quality. Why do you think the Jets were insane enough to trade up just to draft a quarterback who hasn’t started even twenty games in his college career? Because our evaluators are blinded by the troj.

If you don’t believe me, bro, just check the university’s account records, you’ll see how valued my services are. What? You think this started with Reggie Bush and OJ Mayo? You think anyone goes to play for Pete Carroll without being amply compensated? Well, you’d be sorely mistaken. Sure it’s in SoCal, there’s an endless string of beautiful women and weather, not to mention that with no NFL team, behind the Lakers we’re the hottest sports act in town. But we’re in high demand everywhere we go, and if the school in SoCal is willing to pay us as much as the school in Norman or Tuscaloosa, we’re going to go there regardless of who the coach is.

So get ready, you red state fucks, to watch the Palmster run up the scoreboard on any and every weak defense we come across. We’ll get steamrolled by the Steelers and make the Ravens look like the ‘85 Bears, but just wait until we play the Browns, just fucking wait. For how badly Brett Favre fucked Eric Mangini, it’s going to feel like a fucking back massage when I’m through with his defense. Trade down again, dipshit, and see what happens when you disrespect a USC alum. Man, I can’t wait to inflate my season’s statistical output by having four great games against the  Broncos, Browns, Lions & Chiefs and utterly disappointing my fans and fantasy owners for the other twelve. HBO’s never been so lucky as to be graced with my presence, now the world gets to see how we make the magic happen.

Alright, after a three day hiatus from this site (weekends don’t count), we’re back with some news items to at least pretend this site is staying “fresh”. If only there was some way for me to care about the NFL, much less fantasy football, in the dead of May, this wouldn’t be such an issue. We still have about two months before Hard Knocks starts airing, So if anyone has any suggestions, I am all ears.

Because he is, in the classical definition, a complete and utter douchebag, Jason Taylor has agreed to take less money to return to Miami after the catastrophe which was the Redskins (as is any big free agency signing in Washington). And no, he isn’t a douchebag because I hate the Dolphins probably more so than any other team in the NFL. No. He’s a douchebag because his intentions are to focus on modeling, which — with the exception of New York — Miami is the epicenter of. None the less, he should improve Miami’s defense, but the offense is going to be such a nightmare that you shouldn’t put too much stock into it. But anyways, have fun being under the watchful eye of Bill Parcells, you mindless playboy. I’m sure by the time this is all over you’ll be the next…whoever a reputable male model is. Dipshit.

It's Fred Jackson or this guy.

Fred Jackson, the backup running back for the Buffalo Bills and a favorite here on Talking Fantasy Football, just signed a four year extension with his current team. This seems like an irregularly long extension for a backup running back, which leads us to believe that Marshawn Lynch is going to be Willis McGahee-d. Meaning, now that they’ve signed his backup that they clearly have a lot of faith in for cheap, they are going to trade Marshawn Lynch at his highest possible value (probably in the 2010 off-season) for draft picks or superstars who aren’t running backs. Either way, I applaud the signing. Even if they don’t have quasi-long term plans to make Jackson the starter at a low-ball price, he’s a more than suitable option to spell their current aloof and inconsistent starter.

Apparently competing for quarterback is like two three year-olds arguing over a toy, because Luke McCown claims the Tampa QB position is his. Nevermind that most non-Buccaneers fans would probably regard Leftwich as the better option, and I’m willing to bet that the majority of the teams fans would rather see first round draft pick Josh Freeman get the call (including us). Not that fans should determine who a team starts, but it’s a pretty lonely island he’s on there. Is his agent even campaigning for him? I have to imagine that the sooner he is starting regularly, the sooner he is exposed and out of the league altogether. And while his salary might not ever reach epic proportions, that’s a 2% cut his agent is missing out on when he’s spit out the bottom of the league and playing in the CFL. So yeah, you know things are looking dire when even your agent could have a stake in seeing you lose the starting position you never really had in the first place.

That’s it for the time being, back tomorrow provided there is anything to relay/mock.

This is the one division in football without a real identifiable characteristic. If it’s anything, they are four of the more loyal teams to their coaches, but that seems pretty thin since one of them is the Houston Texans. They don’t even have a regional identity as one is in Indianapolis, one is in Nashville, one is in Houston and the other is in Jacksonville. Of the seven NFL teams that are considered part of the Mason-Dixon line, the NFC South consolidated four of them and the AFC East got the last one. There isn’t less than a five hour drive separating any of these teams and three of them are on the east coast.

That said, only one of them had a top ten pick (Jacksonville at #8) so if nothing else it’s a successful division, but all of these teams are going into the 2009 season with numerative question marks surrounding them: How will Indy look without Dungy and Harrison? Will Jacksonville rebound from the most disappointing season in the league last year? Can Tennessee repeat what they did last season with a non-existent passing game? And can Houston finally make the leap and contend for the playoffs? In other words, all of them had a lot on the line in this draft, let’s see how they did.

I have no idea if this woman is a Texans cheerleader, but she sure could be.

Houston Texans

Who they drafted: A team with a young, inexperienced defense drafted primarily more young, inexperienced defenders. Of their eight picks, only three of them were offensive players, the earliest coming in the third round and they consisted of a guard and two tight ends. It appears we aren’t the only ones who think Owen Daniels only performs just enough to keep his job and be overrated. In other words, the offense will look exactly the same.

Prognostication: Well: Matt Schaub, Steve Slaton, Kevin Walter, Andre Johnson and Owen Daniels will all be taken in your fantasy draft. The cloud overhead of this team is: Can Schaub finally turn into the quarterback everyone seemed to think he would be while backing up Vick in Atlanta? If he is capable of it, which Houston obviously seems to think he is, can the line protect him? Judging by Slaton’s productivity last year, it would lead you to believe that all of this is possible, it’s just a matter of it actually happening, which has yet to take place. Given, they’re in a tough division (the Colts have had Peyton Manning for as long as they’ve existed), but the clock is ticking on this team. Hopefully a defense with both DeMeco Ryan, Mario Williams, Nick Ferguson, Amobi Okoye and now Brian Cushing can actually produce something tangible.  Personally, I think we’re looking at a 10-6 season and a potential wild card.

Indianapolis Colts

Who they drafted: Donald Brown in the first, some receiver in the fourth and Curtis Painter in the sixth. It’s amazing they made only a half-assed effort to replace Marvin Harrison, then again it’s amazing that the Colts ever draft an offensive player before the third, so we can’t really speculate.

Prognostication: Then again, what kind of team takes a first round running back when they already have Joseph Addai? Is this one of those “I want my guys” moves from the new coach, because if I’m not mistaken, he was the assistant coach under Dungy, was he not? So what fucking gives? I know most teams operate with a run-by-committee approach, but you can’t hold off a couple rounds, take Javon Ringer and significantly upgrade your front seven? Anyways, with Gonzalez replacing Harrison, Manning being one year older and the same staggeringly inconsistent defense, I see another 11-5 season and an early dismissal from the playoffs. They’ll still get their points, but with the exception of Anthony Gonzalez I would knock everyone down at least one round with this draft.

Still a college football city.

Jacksonville Jaguars

Who they drafted: On the other side of the coin is the Jags, who surprisingly even bothered drafting defense this year, but never the less did so sparingly. Outside of their two third round picks, the other seven were offensive players. Including offensive lineman in the first and second round. Three receivers, a tight end and a running back from Liberty rounded out the draft for Jacksonville.

Prognostication: Maurice Jones-Drew’s stock just fucking sky-rocketed. They might be banking on Chauncey Washington to step in for third-down duty, but he has to come down from his high if he wants to improve his carries total. Look at his numbers last year, now take away Fred Taylor and add two top-tier offensive lineman and what do you get? I think you have a top five pick. As for the team itself, this defense is always a viable candidate, but the passing game is abysmal. I like the addition of Holt, but Holt is in Terrell Owens territory at this point and is running on fumes. Not to mention we can’t be sure that Gerrard will get him the ball when he’s open. Right now he’s listed as second string. So yeah, unless you can get your hands on Jones-Drew, I’d give strong consideration for any other player of comparable value on any other team.

Tennessee Titans

Who they drafted: Wisely, they went with a wide receiver in the first round. Unwisely, they went with some guy named Kenny Britt out of Rutgers. Now, they get a little leeway because they’re the Titans, and 75% of the time they are anywhere from respectable to competitive. But we have our suspicions about Kenny Britt being the best available option. Also notable offensive picks: Jared Cook (TE out of South Carolina), Javon Ringer in the fifth and a couple scrubs in the sixth and seventh rounds. On the defensive end, Sen’Derrick Marks out of Auburn has some enormous shoes to fill replacing Albert Haynesworth. All told: eleven draft picks, six on offense and five on defense.

Prognostication: Well, the passing game will be ever so marginally improved, but might be less effective with some of the hits on defense. I don’t see Kerry Collins holding up this season and Vince Young playing some sort of role on the offense that exceeds clipboard holding. How will the offense react? Well, Chris Johnson and LenDale White should still be viable fantasy players, but if this team gets off to a slow start, expect both of their efficient carries to drop considerably (the only 100 yard games White had last year were against the Chiefs and Lions, the 32nd and 30th ranked defenses in the league, respectively). This team, above all other playoff teams, I expect to slip quite a few notches and am pretty confident they’re missing the playoffs.

God that felt long. Actually, if you’re looking for a common theme amongst the teams in this division, it’s that they all are banking on quality in quantity in this draft. All of them had nine or more picks, with Tennessee maxing out at eleven.

That’s it for the week, back on Monday with something unrelated to the draft.

Ahh, the good ol’ reliable NFC west. The bastion of all that is wrong with NFL parity and proprietors of never-ending suckitude; these four teams have comprised what has unmistakenly been the worst division in the NFL for the past decade (despite two Super Bowl losses, both of which were coincidentally to the Steelers). As such, this division owned three of the top ten picks, two of the top four and this years gritty (i.e. quasi-lucky) Super Bowl reject.

That said, everyone seems to be in agreement that this division is poised for a rebound in 2009. If Arizona can carry the momentum from the playoffs into the 2009 season, if the Seahawks can stay healthy and Hasselbeck isn’t washed up like everyone assumes he is, and if Singletary can keep the Niners focused and finally get them to capitalize on their second half of the season success, they could potentially put two teams in the playoffs. That said, they’re a lot of “if’s” in this paragraph. As a result, the draft was infinitely more important to them than any other division in the league.

Arizona Cardinals

Who they drafted: Beanie wells with the second to last pick in the first round, defenders from then until the fifth and some late round cut-ees. Pretty much exactly what they should have done.

Prognostication: From a fantasy perspective, as multi-faceted as Wells is (can run laterally, vertically, for speed or power, for short and long yardage), I’d worry about how often he will be getting goal line carries. Wisenhunt is going to feel a tinge of loyalty to make sure Hightower gets his carries, and most of those I would expect to be in short-yardage situations. Still, if Wells stays healthy he should be a tremendous asset to any fantasy team. With that passsing game and assuming they keep all those receivers, this team could look almost infallible. One does pause for a second though, because everyone’s waiting for the other shoe to drop with Kurt Warner. Again.

San Fransisco 49ers

In addition to football quality, cheerleader quality is also taking a hit in this division.

Who they drafted: San Fran, coming off another 8-8 year, seem to feel that between Mike Singletary insane genius, his history as a player and players drafted in recent years, that they are properly equipped on defense. At least that would explain taking Michael Crabtree 10th overall and ‘bama running back Glen Coffee in the third (I have no idea what happened to their second pick). Every other pick is superfluous.

Prognostication: Coming off yet another 8-8 season, I like the direction this team seems to be heading in. Amongst all the dark horses going into every NFL season, New Orleans is my favorite to represent the NFC in the Super Bowl and San Fran is my favorite to potentially upset in the playoffs. With the drafting of Crabtree, even with my effected opinion of him, he immediately becomes their best receiver. Alongside Vernon Davis, the ghost of Isaac Bruce, Arnez Battle and Brandon Jones; it goes from looking like one of the five worst receiving corps in the league to among one of the up and coming. Of course, they still have Shaun Hill throwing to them, which is probably worth taking into consideration. Also, if you like Frank Gore as a fantasy player or otherwise, expect Coffee to spell him on a pretty regular basis and cut into his carries.

Seattle Seahawks

Who they drafted: Aaron Curry with the fourth overall pick, addressed the aging offensive line in the second and added to their much needed receiving corps in the third. Their next pick was Mike Teel, the beleaguered Rutgers quarterback in the sixth (providing some tangible competition for Seneca “Heisman candidate for the first six weeks of his senior season at Iowa St” Wallace) and three seventh round picks.

Prognostication: With all due respect to all of the aforementioned players, the real acquisition for the ‘hawks is Cincinnati Bengal deflector and perennially most underrated player in the league in TJ Houshmenzadeh. For all the trials and tribulations of the Bengals rather turbulent Marvin Lewis era (Note: the turbulence has in no way been Lewis’ fault), Housh has been the one constant glimmer of hope. Through the good years with Palmer to the defunct 2008 season with Fitzpatrick at QB, Housh has always produced statistically and stayed out of trouble (which puts him in a distinct minority on the Bengals roster). Between him, Hasselbeck returning (too full form or otherwise) and the great first four draft picks (despite my superficial reservations about Curry), I could see the Seahawks bringing Seattle sports out of the abyss they seem to be submerged in. Adjust your fantasy projections accordingly.

Found one.

St. Louis Rams

Who they drafted: Offensive tackle Jason Smith, under-sized linebacker out of Ohio State James Laurinaitis (I hear his dad was a professional wrestler of the WWE variety), then several unrecognizable defenders until closing out the draft with nonsensical offensive players in the 5th-7th rounds.

Prognostication: If you couldn’t tell from what I’ve written already, I’m really not a fan of what the Rams did in this draft or their outlook for the 2009 season. I don’t understand the coaching hire, I don’t know why they let Orlando Pace go just to replace him with Jason Smith (aren’t you just starting at square 1? It feels like the one team that wasn’t going to see a tangible improvement from one year to the next with Smith) and I don’t know why they failed to address their dire receiver situation (as good as Donnie Avery looked in his rookie season, he’s not a suitable first option). For a franchise that dominated the division from about 1999-2004, they’ve had a pretty hard fall from grace. If nothing else, the Rams can serve as a template for the Seahawks as what not to do.

Back tomorrow to close out our draft review with the AFC South.

We underwent a few technical changes this afternoon and were unable to post as early as we have been this week. So, sorry about that. On the plus side, our posts will be somewhat coherently formatted. Yay for semi-cogent internet screeds!

Today we look at the AFC East, the conference that Keyshawn Johnson couldn’t stop mentioning was “quarterback loaded except for the Jets” on draft day as justification for trading up for Mark Sanchez. Obviously no one told him that two of those “other teams” were the Dolphins and Bills. Either way, for having the best team of the past decade in their arsenal, this is a surprisingly mediocre division. The Bills take comfort knowing that they’ll never do worse than 8-8, but never do better than 8-8. The Jets fluctuate like no other team in the NFL, and every time they do make the playoffs it feels like an unpleasant surprise while every time they miss it feels like what’s supposed to happen. And the Dolphins will continue to be in rebounding mode as a franchise, and despite making the playoffs in 2008, still lack the offensive and defensive fire power to be considered among the elite teams in the league.

Basically, it’s a pivotal draft for a division in which I hate all four teams. I don’t like watching them. I don’t like owning their fantasy players. I don’t like people even reminding me of their mere existence. So, this should be fun.

Buffalo Bills

Who they drafted: The Bills were quite busy on draft day, but by all indications they are content with their skill players (as they probably should be), and went with offensive line when they weren’t drafting defense, as evidenced by first and second round picks that were committed to the line. Since they traded away their best lineman to the Eagles, this made sense. The only other offensive player they drafted was a fourth round tight end who, if lucky enough to make the team and get on the field will undoubtedly be blocking more than receiving.

Prognostication: The story here is obviously Terrell Owens and just how much he plans on derailing this team. So far, Owens has complained about playing with McNabb in his prime, Jeff Garcia in his prime and Tony Romo just entering his prime, what exactly is he going to have to say about Trent Edwards? We will say this, as a result of TO coming in and the two new lineman, we should see increased productivity from all of the returning skill players, even if Owens’ presence doesn’t get them in the playoffs. I’d bump Lynch and Fred Jackson up a few notches on your draft board.

Miami Dolphins

Severly underrated.

Who they drafted: Miami was relatively busy on draft day, just like any team that Bill Parcells has a hand in assimilating. For the sake of brevity: Pat White in the second round Patrick Turner in the third, Brian Hartline in the fourth, some tight end in the fifth and a tackle in the sixth.

Prognostication: While I think the Pat White pick works for them, doesn’t the statute of limitations on the wildcat have to be about up. I see Jerrod Mayo absolutely obliterating Patrick Cobbs at some point and putting an end to this whole scheme. But for the time being the pick understandable, if not predictable. They have needed an upgrade at receiver since Chris Chambers left, and before Chambers it had been about fifteen years since they had a notable receiver, so Pat Turner is the right pick. And I have no idea what they were thinking with Hartline. Still, while they loaded up on offensive players, I doubt any of them have any significant impact on this fantasy season. Outside of Ronnie Brown and maybe Ricky Williams, most of the current players’ fantasy value was diminished, and the new crop of players will be obsolete.

Yeah, I still hate this team.

New England Patriots

Who they drafted: If the Dolphins were busy, then the Patriots were working in an Indonesian sweat shop. Twelve draft picks in all, five on offense and seven on defense, and with maybe the exception of UNC wide out Brandon Tate, none of any real consequence. As a result, we’re not going to take the time run through all of them.

Prognostication: Look, if you think Tom Brady will return fully healthy, then set your draft board as such. If not, then it’s anyone’s fucking guess what’s running through your head. I, for whatever crazy reason, expect Brady and the Pats to look almost as effective in 2009 as they did in 2007. If all goes according to plan, with all of the picks they used on defense and all the weapons they kept on offense this team should light up the fantasy football season (though I think the aging offensive line is a concern).  But it goes without saying, that if Brady’s taken out at the knees again and with no Cassel to back him up, all of those players are fucked statistically.

New York Jets

Who they drafted: Mark Sanchez, Shonn Green and a sixth round offensive guard out of Nebraska. Three picks, that’s it.

Prognostication: Well, just how much faith do you have in a rookie quarterback with a top (we’ll say…) eight offensive line, an above average running corps and a respectable recieving corps that runs five deep if you include Dustin Keller? Because while we think if there was an ideal yet realistic place for Sanchez to land, it was in New Jersey with the Jets. But at the same time, we think he’s going to be dreadful in his rookie season. People seem to forget that Thomas Jones and Leon Washington’s number skyrocketed from 2007 to 2008, it wasn’t just a coincidence that Brett Favre played in that second season. We’ll see if Sanchez can keep defenses honest enough to open up the running game, but that’s assuming he starts. If Kellen Clemens is their starter, you’re going to really wish you had went with the fourth receiver on the Cardinals instead of Chansi Stuckey.

Back tomorrow with the exact opposite of the AFC East in logistics and commercial appeal: the NFC West.

This is one of the more intriguing divisions heading into the 2009 season: An 0-16 team with the number one overall pick, a new coach and slightly modified uniforms, the best 6-10 team ever to play in the NFL in the 2008 Green Bay Packers, probably the most talented team in the NFL if quarterback doesn’t factor into the equation and the main beneficiary of the biggest trade in the off-season. Needless to say, if I’m a fan of a NFC North team, I’m on pins and needles waiting for the season to start (countdown: only four months and a half months to go). Two of these teams are on borrowed time (or at least it’s starting to feel that way) and two of them are just getting started, I’ll let you figure out which is which.

The future of Bears football loves him some Jack Daniels and drunkenly blubbering companionship.

Who they drafted: Giving away all first day picks for Jay Cutler, the Bears drafted three receivers I’ve never heard of in a draft loaded with day two prospects at the position, an offensive lineman in the seventh round that won’t make the roster and five defensive players.

Prognostication: As underwhelmed as I am by their incoming crop of rookies, their off-season was all about getting Jay Cutler. As a result the offensive should look noticeably improved. Greg Olson will catch more passes, Matt Forte will gain more yards and Devin Hester now has a quarterback whose passes he can’t out run. But still the Bears look mightily desperate taking all these shots at unnamed receivers. They’re basically throwing a jump ball in the hopes that someone will rise to the occasion. Methinks they regret letting Berrian and Muhammad leave.

Detroit Lions

Who they drafted: Good golly do I like what they did with their draft. In the first round they managed to get the two best prospects at two different positions in Matt Stafford and Brandon Pettigrew, they took one of our dark horses in the third round with Derrick Williams and were practical by waiting until the sixth round to take a running back in Aaron Brown out of TCU, and in the seventh they took another tight end and a Nebraskan offensive lineman.

Prognostication: I still say I would have taken Jason Smith with that first overall pick, but judging by what they did with the rest of their draft they obviously see something in their current line that they like. Stafford will be on his back more often than not, but when he isn’t they know they have a guy capable of getting Pettigrew, Derrick Williams and Calvin and Bryant Johnson the ball, not to mention a defense that has only one available direction to go in, Detroit (right along with Philadelphia) might be the most improved NFL team for fantasy considerations.

Green Bay Packers

Who they drafted: An offensive lineman in the fourth and fifth rounds, a fullback in the fourth and five defensive players that opened and closed their drafts.

Prognostication: This team was absolutely loaded last year for fantasy and I think that will be the case this year. Aaron Rodgers should be just as effective this season minus the excessive interceptions, Ryan Grant and Brandon Jackson will probably have a 60/40 split on carries, and while they’re a little thin at receiving options (Driver has to be close to entering his forties), Greg Jennings and Donald Lee are both viable fantasy options. So while I would have taken a receiver, I can understand the urgency on defense, where they seem to have a plethora of names but never clicked (Note: Their defense was pretty solid for fantasy purposes, as they led the league in defensive touchdowns, so you know they have potential). Plus, Boldin, Burress and Edwards are still very much on the trading block.

Minnesota Vikings

Who they drafted: Percy Harvin, which was easily the most discussed draft pick after Stafford, an offensive lineman out of Oklahoma and three defensive players with the remaining picks they managed to salvage from the Jason Allen trade last season.

Prognostication: With all the rumors floating about that Brett Favre is contemplating signing with Minnesota, it’s tough to say. I’m not big on the Favre bandwagon (haven’t been for the past nine years), but with the potential they now have at receiver with Shiancoe, Harvin and Berrian, they need someone who can actually get them the ball, and I think Favre is still capable of doing just that. At least more so than Rosenfels or Tavaris Jackson. On the other end of the equation, you’re looking at considerably more turnovers if you bring in Favre, is the increased explosiveness worth all the errant passes you are destined to see? If I’m a Vikings fan/front office overlord, I’m going to say no; but it would really improve everyone’s fantasy prospects. Can you imagine the numbers Peterson puts up if they acquire Favre, a quarterback that defensives have to take seriously. It did wonders for Thomas Jones’ numbers, what it could do for AP is beyond my comprehension.

Back tomorrow with the AFC East.

It’s a good thing we’re stretching this out over the course because absolutely nothing happened in the world of football over the weekend. It was a minimal amount of NBA playoffs, sports that people pretend to care about in really brief durations (horse racing, boxing) and hockey. To give you an idea of how dominant the NFL is, if their was an exhibition game taking place in Singapore between the Texans and Seahawks, it would have scored a higher Nielsen than every other sporting event this weekend combined.

Today we look at the NFC South, the division with the best overall record in the 2008 season and presumably the one that requires the least amount of help for 2009. But along with the regularity teams have to turn their situation around for the better, they’re just as likely to collapse for no explainable reason. This seems inevitable for at least two teams in the NFC South. Which two? I have no idea. But if I’m putting money on it I’m going with Carolina & Tampa Bay. If this collapse is indeed pending, success in the draft is all the more imperative.

Atlanta Falcons

Gonzalez is going to appreciate the change of scenery.

Who they drafted: Uhh, they had eight total picks, seven which were for defense and even the one lone offensive player was a fifth round lineman.

Prognostication: From a fantasy perspective the major acquisition here was Tony Gonazalez, whom they got for a second round draft pick in 2010. He’s going to be able to open up the passing lanes for Michael Jenkins and Roddy White, run block for Turner and Norwood and generally just serve as another body defenses can’t leave unguarded. If all those defensive draft picks improve the other side of the ball and Matt Ryan’s rookie year wasn’t a fluke (unlike Joe Flacco, we don’t think it was), the Falcons and New Orleans should be in a dog fight for divisional supremacy, which means a lot of accumulated fantasy points.

Carolina Panthers

Who they drafted: Understandably they went just about all defense. Muhsin Muhammad, Steve Smith, Jonathan Stewart and DeAngelo Williams are all perfectly suitable at the skill positions. It wasn’t a good draft to improve at quarterback and they would have been insane to trade up for it. With Julius Peppers constantly rumored to be leaving Charlotte, it was smart to preemptively prepare for that, because a player like that can make or break a defense if you don’t have suitable replacements.

Prognostication: Even though I like them going after defensive players, the defense was good enough last year. The real question is how is Jake Delhomme going to rebound from that dreadful six interception game last season and will his teammates support him, because at least for now they have no other options. I think renewing his contract to a undeserved and unforeseen degree (especially for a thirty-four year old) that the team has no intention of honoring will help, but I still have my doubts. As far as fantasy football goes, this team will be just as productive as last season, but I’m skeptical they’re returning to the playoffs.

New Orleans Saints

Who they drafted: Malcolm Jenkins. The three rounds later they drafted a linebacker and another DB both of who are out of Wake Forest. If you’re wondering what happened to their second and third round picks you are in the wrong place to find out.

Prognostication: The Saints seem to perennially have a weak secondary. They address the issue every year and every year it seems to get worse. In other words, they’re the new New York Giants in that way. Remember that season opener between the Colts and Saints the season after Indy won the Super Bowl? Jason David turned down the contract offer from the Colts, went to New Orleans and Peyton Manning burnt him on three touchdown passes? That has epitomized the Saints secondary for the past four seasons. Jason David is listed as second string now, But I think acquiring Malcolm Jenkins might be the wrench that gets them moving in the other direction. Look for the offense to be just as explosive next season but even more effective because of an improved defense that was completely revamped in 2008.

As per usual, any opportunity that arises, we're going to the Bucs cheerleading squad for our mandatory photos.

Who they drafted: The quarterback out of Kansas State in Josh Freeman, defensive players in the third, fourth and seventh rounds and an offensive tackle from Illinois in the fifth. I believe they gave up the second round pick to either move up to ensure they got the rights to Freeman or in the Kellen Winslow deal.

Prognostication: In short, This team is a fucking mess. I like trading for Winslow especially for how relatively little they had to sacrifice to get one of the best athletes in the league, but they released half their defense from last season, fired their coach and let their much abused Jeff Garcia take off for Oakland to scare the living shit out of JaMarcus Russell. And while I like Freeman for where they drafted him, I really don’t think they needed to trade up to secure the pick (it was two spots) and he is, admittedly, a work in progress that will almost certainly be their starter this season. And if he isn’t, the options are Luke McCown and Brian Griese. If NFL teams were models, the only team Tampa would look good standing next to is Denver. So if you want to draft Michael Clayton or Derrick Ward or Antonio Bryant or Kellen Winslow, just be damn certain their isn’t an option on equal footing in talent but with a more stable situation.

We return tomorrow with our close on the rust belt region: The NFC North.