Fantasy Football

So in honor of the Oscar nominations being announced today, we’re going to doll out some more awards from the NFL/fantasy season. Unlike yesterday, these will be primarily for playoff performances. So, without further ado, your contrived award winners from the 2008 NFL post-season.

The Benjamin Button award for “most likely having reversed the aging process”
We have no evidence of Kurt Warner being on steroids and no one has even suggested it until me just now, but this isn’t supposed to ever happen. I guess Randall Cunningham with the ‘98 Vikings set a precedent for something like this (except Warner’s regular season wasn’t nearly as impressive but he’s making the Super Bowl. Garrry Annnnderrrssssonnnnnnn!), but that was kind of an anomaly. Just Cunningham whipping the ball down field to the greatest jump ball receiver in the history of the league, which opened up the running and short-yardage passing game. Warner is out there hitting targets playing in an offense by a coach who came up with the Steelers. So congrats, Kurt Warner. You’re now a lock to make the hall of fame and you didn’t play a down in the NFL until you were twenty-eight years old. Which means my dream of playing QB 1 for an NFL franchise is still alive and well.

Yeah, you know Kurt Warner was totally doing shit like this when he was with the Giants.

(Speaking of Benjamin Button, I enjoyed the film and everything, as for it having the most Oscar nominations however…I’m inclined to disagree with how this developed. It’s basically Forrest Gump as seen by David Fincher and penned by the same writer. Don’t believe me? Watch this damning video evidence.)

The Reader Award for “Most Inappropriate Relationship”
To The Philadelphia Eagles for playing the Kate Winslet role, because after you just lose the NFC title game in rather heartbreaking fashion, it’s probably better to demonstrate a little more concern and not celebrate with the opposing team like you won the Super Bowl. Especially when you reside and play on a professional sports team in a city like Philadelphia. I can understand, no one can be entirely disgruntled with the fucking Arizona Cardinals going to the Super Bowl, but considering you just lost your fourth NFC title game in eight years, the fans probably would have liked to see that it had at least a tinge of an adverse effect on you. Just wait until you get off the field to remember that you are given millions of dollars to run around on a field and chase a leather ball. For the sake of everyone, put on the facade and look a little crestfallen.

The Sean Penn Award for “Always being in contention regardless of the circumstances”
To the Pittsburgh Steelers, who whether you like them or not, are always going to be in playoff contention so long as they have a moderately competent QB. With Roethlisberger only being 26, expect them to win the AFC North or make the wild card for probably the next seven or eight years. Sure, they’re in a smaller market and players like Jerome Harrison just about always end up leaving. But just like Penn, while you may not like him on a personal level, he can carry a film and render so much of it expendable. The Steelers front office can do just about the same thing.

The Mickey Rourke award for “Most probable comeback that everyone is claiming to have been improbable”
To the Miami Dolphins, who after acquiring Bill Parcells as GM, it should have been plain as day that they were going to turn it around, and even more so after they got a serviceable quarterback. The parity is such in the NFL these days that once you get proper figureheads in place the rest of the pieces fall like dominoes. Parcells is often regarded as the greatest head coach ever, once you have him officially making your personnel decisions, combined with a weak schedule and no one taking you seriously for the first half of the season, an 11-5 record isn’t all that improbable.

(I haven’t yet seen The Wrestler (actually going at lunch today), but if you look at Rourke’s recent career before heading all the critical buzz, he had already done Sin City, Domino and Once Upon A Time In Mexico in the past five years. That really isn’t that bad. Given, none of them are considered tour de force acting performances like these are, but he wasn’t exactly destitute. He just wasn’t accepting Golden Globes and thanking his dog for his roles in those films).

The Bruce Springsteen Award for “Biggest Snub without any attempted explanation”
This, obviously, goes to the New England Patriots. Who buried, and I mean laid a beating on the now NFC Champion Arizona Cardinals unlike any I have seen since…well, the New England Patriots first half of the 2007 season. I know the Chargers beat the Colts in the wild card round and that’s the justification defenders of the current system will use. But when I look at the records, I see one team was 11-5 and the other was 8-8. It seems like the record speaks for itself. And much like Springsteen winning the Golden Globe for best song, the Patriots being so successful this decade makes their absence from the playoffs all the more glaring.

The Slumdog Millionaire award for “Most Overrated Contender of the year”
To Chad Pennington. Although he carried a 1-15 team in 2007 to the playoffs in 2008, by no means did he deserve to be the runner up from the MVP. I’m probably one of 12 people outside the state of Florida who’ll remember this in two weeks, but nothing he did merited that kind of recognition. Nothing. That team went 1-15 last season because of injuries (to the quarterback and starting tailback) and unloading offensive weapons for draft picks (Chris Chambers). It was a young team built for the future that got lucky with a slightly above average veteran quarterback who won’t turn the ball over in crucial situations. At least, until he got to the playoffs.

Also, if you haven’t seen Slumdog yet, it isn’t a terrible film and I’m not recommending you avoid it. But it’s just kind of fluff in a different country with very little answered about the characters and their motivations, not to mention numerous plot holes. So while it is entertaining and “inspirational” in a sense, I wouldn’t have it nominated for Best Picture, much less winning like it did at the Golden Globes.

Anyhow, that’s it for today, we might come back with some more of these tomorrow if not any Super Bowl commentary.