Fantasy Football

This is on ongoing segment we’ll hold onto, as kvetching about inexplicably bad performances is half the enjoyment of participating in fantasy sports. Considering only roughly 20% of us ever finish in the money or walk away with a sense of validation, I think maintaining the one weekly post where we single out and ridicule various players is a necessity.

1) Peyton Manning
Maybe you deserve this top spot and maybe you do not, but I have you on my team so we’re putting you here regardless. Jesus. One would assume that in times like these, I wish I had a second quarterback on my team, but it’s exactly the opposite. If I had, say, Gus Ferotte as a backup and he is playing the Bears like he did this week while Manning is playing the Browns; there isn’t a chance in hell I’m starting Ferotte over Manning based on the inconceivable notion that Ferotte could outscore Manning under any circumstances, much less quadruple Manning’s fantasy production on a single play against a superior opponent. So instead of being bitter that just my first round draft pick had an unbelievably terrible performance against one of the leagues worst defenses, I would have been bitter that I left a perfectly viable performer sitting on my bench to rot. Anyhow, get fucked with a farming utensil, Peyton.

2) Vincent Jackson
You’re not exactly a power player so you probably do not deserve this sort of recognition. But still, what the fuck, Vincent? You play an entire game and you fail to catch a single pass. We live on the other end of the country so we weren’t able to watch the game, we had assumed you were Anquan Boldined or something. But no, you just failed to score even a fraction of a point in fantasy. More importantly, Who the fuck still goes by Vincent in their 20’s? Isn’t it just customary to cut it to Vince, or Vinnie, if you want to go the Italian route? I think this explains a lot about why you can actually start a game at receiver and fail to score a single point or have any impact on the game whatsoever.

It may not exude athletic prowess, but if someone said his name at least I would assume it was in reference to an adult.

3) Braylon Edwards
We could fill this list with people on our fantasy team alone, but I promise this is the last one, as it’s kind of a stretch. Shit, relative to that putrid contest that took place in Cleveland on Sunday, Edwards was among the top performers. I mean he only caught two passes for 36 yards, but still, it felt like the world was going to collapse on itself with both receptions. This isn’t really warranted anymore. Once you have so many terrible weeks in one season, you’re supposed to be excluded from contention here. But Edwards has been such a regular disappointment that I can’t help myself. Oh, and he has Ken Dorsey throwing to him for the rest of the season, too. To be frank, we can only go uphill. Shit, at least on their last drive, Dorsey had the balls to throw to him beyond five yards. That was impressive.

4) Laverneus Coles
I’ve never encouraged a player to retire in any sport, but I think it’s time we hang up the cleats, Laverneus. Two receptions for two total yards are Rudy numbers. That is, the books will recognize that you played but no one else will. Thanks for showing up, I hope the long distance relationship with Chad Pennington is going well, but it appears to be effecting your season. I mean, you have Brett Favre, Mr. Gunslinger/unapologetic interception throwing to you. He’ll throw into triple coverage for a five percent chance of getting you the ball. And you only manage 2 catches for 2 yards. Disgraceful.

5) Brandon Marshall
Alright, what the fuck is going on? Has Eddie Royale in his rookie year usurped you during your breakout season? That would be unprecedented turnover for an NFL team. The only time I can recall this happening is Randy Moss out-shined Jake Reed in his rookie season when Reed was about to take the leap. They both had good seasons (everyone on the Minnesota team did), but Reed was an afterthought to Carter and Moss. What’s amazing isn’t that you failed to score ten points, it’s that you failed to do so while your teammates racked up 34 points of offense in a stunning upset. Five catches for 55 yards might get you recognition in the real world, but over here in fantasy land that only earns you the wrath of hapless pretend owners. It’s palpable, I know.

Honorable mention: Clinton Portis, Frank Gore, Matt Cassel (couldn’t do it based on only a two game history of great games, but the hype he received for those two games, the backlash was tempting), Joseph Addai, Antonio Gates, Randy Moss.

Probably it for today.