Fantasy Football

Its a little late in the week to be kvetching over the myriad of shitty fantasy performances from NFL players in week nine, especially when we personally outscored the rest of our league. But stewing over a perceived wrong done incidentally to us by people we never have nor will we ever meet, is what makes fantasy football enjoyable. How often does anyone get together with the people in their league and boast about getting someone like Chris Johnson in the middle rounds? Never. Its always to lament Larry Johnson’s poor performance and off the field troubles.

So apparently the Chiefs have cheerleaders. Color me shocked.

Seriously though, if you drafted Larry Johnson anywhere in any round and didn’t expect some setbacks — be it on or off the field — then congratulations, you’re a moron. That is more indicative of a personal flaw in how you approach fantasy football than anything that has happened with Johnson or the Chiefs this season. We’re not casting aspersions here, we lost our first four weeks of the season and all our “predictions” are well documented, so obviously we’re not immune.

For instance, we took Braylon Edwards with our second overall pick under the impression that he (along with the Browns) would make the leap this season. We dismissed the fact that they had harder scheduling in 2008 than 2007 as negligible given the parity of the league, and we chose to ignore the premature hype being exhibited by both the fans and the team. Or rather, we let the hype get to us as we bought into the notion that their succession to the NFL elite would happen naturally, and Edwards would only improve, or at the very least come close to matching the 16 touchdowns he had last year.

In short, that hasn’t happened. He leads the leagues in dropped passes, and has two great weeks and one good week in the first eight games of the season. Shit, last week he had damn near 20 points and still dropped a potential touchdown pass (that’s what the genius in the booth claimed anyhow, we find it hard to believe he was breaking for the end zone when he was tackled promptly after touching the ball). So even when he has a great fantasy week its technically under-performing, because it could have been significantly better.

What I’m saying is, fantasy football, much like any other activity you may participate in, requires a degree of self-assessment. Usually if a guy has a seemingly inexplicable terrible fantasy season, there is usually something right in front of your face that you are, for whatever reason, overlooking.

That’s why the following players piss me off so very, very much.

1) Marshawn Lynch
Get fucked with a ninja blade Marshawn, you hippy prick. So let me get this straight, you are playing at home, against a defense that at best could be described as mediocre, you are one of the few backs that doesn’t share a substantial amount of carries, and you can only muster the strength to put up 16 yards rushing? Yet another nail of futility in the Buffalo sports fan’s coffin.

2) Randy Moss
We struggled with whether to put you on this list or not, given the quarterback situation and all the injuries to the backfield. But then we figured that was complete bullshit, because Dan Orvlosky is the starting quarterback in Detroit and has played half as many games (if not fewer) than Cassel has played with Moss. So fuck you, Moss, get your thumb out of your ass and demonstrate some actual concern for whether you win this season or not. They should have to worry about fumbles from Green Ellis, not you.

3) Joseph Addai
Essentially, unless you had Peyton Manning or Anthony Gonzalez (maybe Kevin Faulk), you weren’t going to be pleased with how Sunday night’s game went for you. Addai returns from injury to play a media-hyped rival, and 43 yards of offense is all you’re good for? Was I mistaken to cut Dominick Rhodes in favor of Shaun McDonald on Tuesday? Aren’t you supposedly a “beast”? Where am I getting this information from? Clearly I need to rethink my sources because none of what I’ve been led to believe is factual.

4) Plaxico Burress
You are an asset, Plax, but I’m starting to think the team might be better off without you at this point. Something in the off-season has rubbed you the wrong way, and it might be time for them to officially clean house and rid themselves of the dissatisfied triumvirate of Barber, Shockey and apparently you that existed before they won the Superbowl.
Sure, you kept quiet all last season and for most of this season (with a few obvious exceptions), but your disgruntlement seeps through in your posturing, on the field, on the sideline and the occasional interview. Because when your team drops 34 on a division rival and you only manage three catches for 34 yards, that kinship between you and Eli might be starting to fade. Knee jerk reaction? Sure. But they’ve won convincingly twice this year without you, we don’t see why they would be incapable of doing it all the way to the Superbowl.

5) Brandon Marshall
My God what an awful game. Two games for 27 yards and a ton of shit talk about one of the better defensive players in the league after he and his team made you look like Javon Walker. Congratulations on bringing a new phrase into the lexicon (popcorn muscles), we really have no idea what it means, but if you weren’t a complete reject we’d assume it was a compliment because again, you had two catches for 27 yards. Good job.

We’ll try to get to replacements later today.