Fantasy Football

The NFL is currently experiencing one of its more bizarre off-seasons in recent memory, and I for one couldn’t be more thrilled. Sure, we’re in the middle of the NCAA tournament, NBA playoffs are a couple weeks from starting up and (God help me) baseball is a week or two from opening day. But who wants to hear about that nonsense when there’s constant updates of Jay Cutler’s cell phone activity, or if Plaxico Burress can circumvent doing any jail time, or if Dante Stallworth will be charged for drunkenly steamrolling some poor sap in Miami, or who’s being murdered in the condos of Saints players? Jesus, this off-season makes The Sopranos first season feel uneventful.

This is essentially why we do not like the NFL, everyone who supports it is under the impression that everyone is interested in the most loosely related story-lines to the league. And we’re not. If you tell a diehard NFL fan you’re somewhat impartial towards the draft, they look at you like you were riding a Triceratops. Really, guys, it’s not that interesting. I mean, I generally watch it and it can be interesting at times, so at the very least I keep it on in the background. It doesn’t hurt that Goodell shortened the amount of time between first round picks, which is the best decision he’s made since succeeding Taglibue and as fas as we’re concerned, it will end up being his legacy. But I can understand why someone would find it incessantly dull, and why they assume those of us who enjoy it to be borderline sycophantic.

But most sane people enjoy it only on draft day. I can’t really regard anyone as mentally healthy if they enjoy watching and listening to workout analysis in February and March. You’re basically the fan equivalent of a functioning alcoholic if you do. The only way it could be more monotonous and creepy is if they were “evaluating” players coming out of high school instead of college. No, we’ll have something substantive to say when Cutler is eventually traded or what the pending sentences mean for teams in the draft and their current roster. But right now we’re more than happy to wait a couple more weeks before having anything to say about it.

If you want a prediction from us, an unfounded, random and completely speculative prediction about Jay Cutler, we tend to think he is going to end up playing in Detroit, whose going to offer up their first round pick for him. Denver wants a quarterback, reports are the Detroit isn’t exactly elated with the idea of taking Matthew Stafford first overall and no one is going to swap positions with them, so Detroit might as well roll the dice and get a still young quarterback to be their centerpiece.

But again, this isn’t founded on anything more than our understanding of how everything should work, not on how everything necessarily does. I feel like if that trade was ever going to happen it would have happened by now, and we’re never right about these things anyways. So if you don’t mind, we’re going to go back to watching basketball for the next few weeks. Thanks.

So I’m blanking on what I should write about today. But let me start off by saying that while I like reading Stewart Mandel’s columns, he’s about two weeks behind me on the “NFL playoffs being the best defense for the BCS” talking point. I imagine in the coming weeks he’s going to write an article detailing what a great movie The Godfather is and how it’s going to someday change the landscape of the film industry.

I kid Mandel, of course. He echoes a great point and unless the NFL is going to go to a best of three format (which would drive me fucking batty) this is kind of an unavoidable situation unless we reward the teams with the best records. Even still, I have no idea what the tiebreakers would be in this hypothetical scenario, but that wouldn’t solve the Cardinals dilemma, only the Chargers. And unless you’re a Panthers/Giants/Eagles fan, who wouldn’t want the Cardinals in the playoffs. You know a point is not worth dwelling on when you can make your case by simply stating “It’s the (fill in name of entity here)” and it proves your point.

No, what we need to resolve is the two week hype machine that the NFL now insists on giving us between the conference title games and the Super Bowl. No one seems to enjoy it set aside a few of the players who bask in all the attention. Though I imagine if you asked Troy Palumalu he would want to play the game the Tuesday after winning the AFC. And to be perfectly honest, I’d rather cater to the Palumalu’s of the world than the Terrell Owens’ (I know he’s not playing in the game, but I’m struggling to come up with someone similar on either of these two teams. Joey Porter is on the Dolphins now).

Why do I pine for the return to the one week layover? Because instead of one week of stories and sub-stories akin to this, in addition to the non-stop speculation to the players’ health status and sentimental sob-stories about everyone of the lineman, we get two weeks of everything we just listed. Its not that none of it is interesting, it’s just that most of it isn’t, and if it was for any other reason than for the NFL to squeeze a few more dollars out of the arrangement, I’d have no qualms with the two week layover. But it isn’t, and it just seems to pinpoint everything we find irritating about the NFL.

As you may recall, to the left was the biggest story to come out of the two week break last year.

I’m not sure when the decision was made to definitively make the two week break standard operating procedure, but I seem to recall it bouncing back and forth for a few years before settling on the two week hiatus about three or four years ago. I guess they figured since it is the biggest stage in American athletics, if anything is going to have an extended break to create artificial buzz it might as well be the Super Bowl. But that’s actually counter-intuitive. Everyone knows when the Super Bowl is taking place whether it’s the week or six months after the conference title games. I’d actually argue that whatever profits they see from the extra week of nefarious headlines, they lose a (admittedly small) portion of their casual fan base.

So here’s my inconsequential solution: Play it the second Friday after the title games. It doesn’t exactly cut the time in half, but is practical for a couple reasons:

1) A Healthy amount of Super Bowl viewers get drunk during the game, but usually limit themselves because they have to work in the morning. Moving it to Friday is beneficial on both ends because A) The consumer doesn’t have to get up for work at 7AM, and B) The consumer consumers more. Supposedly at least a portion of the companies that pay overpriced airtime fees for the privilege of running their marketing department’s best efforts during the game, why not try to compensate by increasing revenue for at least one night with the product you’re hawking? (Obviously I’m referring to beverages, food, things of this nature, not UPS).

As for the actual event issues that would come about from this adjusted schedule, the noteworthy parties and shit that are as much a part of Super Bowl weekend as the actual game (Maxim, Playboy, ESPN, etc.) could be held on either Thursday night (the entire city is going to be put on hold for game day, anyhow) or during the layover week.

2) While it only cuts two days out of the waiting period, it’s generally the two worst days. This would spare us that endless weekend of enhanced and unnecessary non-storylines that we’re indoctrinated with that stem everyone’s best “Look at me! I’m important!” attempt at public attention. On Mike and Mike this morning they were — I kid you not — Talking to Donald Trump about the supposed adverse effects the economy is taking on sports. I didn’t stick around to listen to interview, but the smaller Mike was talking about high end ticket prices being cut in half from $10,000 to $5,000 with the same fervor and concern that Mae Braddock used when worrying about the heat being turned off.

In other words, it was just something they used to fill the airwaves. Hey, the economy is shit, this game lacks a lot of appeal to your bandwagon fans, Barack Obama’s president, lets bring on a fame-whore whose made some money in real-estate to discuss the economy’s indirect toll on the sports world! It’s a perfect way to eat up the two hours (after commercials) we have to be on air for!

I don’t mean to complain/critique/observe so much, and Lord knows I don’t need game analysis around the clock, just give me fluff pieces about Super Bowl dreams being realized if that’s the case. I just ask for less bullshit. That’s all. Cut the bullshit in half (or in this case, just take off about 1/5) and not only will you increase your audience, you’ll be on the receiving end of less petulant bitching that never makes its way to you like this right here.

If you’re wondering why there wasn’t any post yesterday the answer is quite simple: 451 Press decided to completely alter/update the interface without notifying anyone, and this just happened to be while I was writing my post. When I went to “publish” it, as Wordpress so flatteringly phrases the act of finalizing a blog post, the website ate my post alive, never to be seen again.

Anyhow, I refused to rewrite my post out of spite. Which is a damn shame because no one paying me really gives a shit either way, and it ends up being the kids that suffer. So to make up for our malfeasance, we’re going to post basically the same thing we had written yesterday, only longer. Maybe. And that is dolling out regular season fantasy awards.

MVP: Drew Brees
Common consensus seems to suggest that since these are for fantasy performers this award should go to whoever produced the most fantasy points over the course of the season. For once, we won’t give an argument to the contrary and give it to Drew Brees, who by just about any calculation bested the NFL in total offensive output. Congratulations, Mr. Brees. For your efforts you get an 8-8 record, saddled with an inadequate defense and a last name that should really have an “e” at the end of it.

He is WAY too excited about this.

Rookie Of The Year: Chris Johnson
Given the recipient, we’re going to rename this the “fuck Matty Ice” award, due to his pedestrian nature when it comes to fantasy quarterbacking. Yeah, thanks a lot for the 16 touchdowns and 11 turnovers, Matty. you really earned that spot on my bench, in case the worst happens and I actually have to start you.

No, we decided to give this to a player who produced something tangible over seventeen weeks, and that player is Chris Johnson. Chris Johnson, who started every game and was as close to a lock as any running back in the NFL to break 20+ points for the first twelve weeks of the season and was his team’s primary offensive weapon. We don’t need to tag any “game manager” qualifiers here.

So congratulations, Chris. For your troubles you get a 13-3 record, probably no more than a five year career and an unburdening sense of guilt that had you stayed healthy against the Ravens, your team would have almost definitely been playing in the AFC title game.

Most Improved Player: DeAngelo Williams (Amongst stiff competition, as well)
His season was quite annoying for anyone who drafted Jonathan Stewart (like myself). But really, who else could we have given it too? The man more than doubled his run yardage (717 to 1515) and more than quadrupled his rushing touchdowns (4 to 18) from 2007 to 2008. We’re pretty convinced he’s on steroids because frankly, there is no explainable reason for him to have a breakout season like this four years into his career and there was a reason the Panthers used the 13th overall selection this year on a rookie. But since nothing has been proven yet we’ll go ahead and throw Williams in here for Most Improved.

Congratulations, DeAngelo. For your efforts you get a humiliating home loss at the hands of the Cardinals in the divisional playoffs, due in large-part to your coach seeing fit to hand the ball to you only twelve times throughout the entire game. Hope it was worth it.

Defensive Player of The Year: Nick Collins
I had no idea who the hell you were until I decided to do this post in lieu of anything substantive, but you had three defensive touchdowns, seven interceptions and two safeties for the Green Bay Packers this season. So congratulations, Nick. For your troubles you earn a spot as a notary member of probably the best 5-11 team in the history of the NFL.

Alright, I think that about wraps it up. We might hand out some more…ostentatious awards in the coming days. For now we’ll just stick with the basics.

If you were surprised by anything that happened this week, then we don’t really know what to say. You should only be surprised that anyone you associate with was actually surprised. This, in a nutshell, is why we generally do not toy around with gambling on the NFL. Despite our success in the regular season, we’re having a difficult time understanding why anybody gambles on the NFL regularly, much less why it’s so immensely popular.

Basically, the best argument going against a college football playoff are their supposed template: The NFL playoffs. If the goal is to determine who the best team was all season (or at the end of the season), then it certainly seems like there is a glitch in the system. Unless the past five years or so have been a complete anomaly. I mean, you can’t compensate for teams not rising to the occasion, that’s on the teams themselves. But is anyone really convinced that any of these teams (with the exception of the Steelers) is the best the NFL had to offer?

Sure, you could call it sour grapes. After all, I went 1-3 in picking winners, and was 3-5 if you include my record against the line. But we had three road teams win, two of them handily (Philly, Arizona) and only one favorite actually show up. It can’t be entirely coincidental that the only home team to win was also the last game of the week. As they watched their counterparts be dispatched by uber-confident wild card teams. It wasn’t exactly a week where just my premonitions were under attack, but rather just conventional wisdom was assaulted by the stampede of parity that has dominated the NFL for about half a decade (and has reached a boiling point now).

I mean, if you’re a die hard NFL fan, aren’t even you having a difficult time taking any of this seriously? Our NFC representative in the Superbowl is going to have no better than a 9-6-1 regular season record. Pragmatics would probably tell you that both the Cardinals (in playoffs by virtue of playing in weakest division) and the Eagles (needed two other losses in week 17 to even qualify for the playoffs) shouldn’t have been in the playoffs in the first place. Essentially, we are looking at the polar opposite of Major League Baseball, where the inequity is palpable but as a result manages to make room for the occasional legitimate upset here and there. That’s opposed to the NFL, in which every team is more or less on equal footing (though some have geographical advantages) but where every team is vulnerable to a loss from virtually every other team. Especially in the playoffs.

At least the Titans Cheerleaders are reliable.

As much as it pains me to say, but it seems that the only franchise that manages to live up to expectations as a #1 seed anymore is the Patriots (and also the Eagles the year they played each other). Certainly that sounds asinine on the heels of being on the losing end of the biggest upset in Superbowl history (or one of them), but for three years they came through accordingly. Who else can we say that about? At least they actually made the Superbowl last year and didn’t lose in the fucking divisional round. Jesus.

So yeah, the biggest disappointment over the weekend was that none of it seemed out of the ordinary. Outside of the Panthers clearly sleeping on the Cardinals, whom they only narrowly bested earlier in the season. We mentioned it before but we’re only kidding at the time in suggesting that maybe the Cardinals were pulling the wool over our eyes by losing so many games in such an embarrassing manner at the end of the season. The logic being that although they would (theoretically) be foregoing home field advantage, their opponents would be caught off-guard when an actual NFL team took the field. Again, at the time, we were only kidding.

Well, while I think they were inconceivably lucky throughout the course of that Falcons game, this strategy certainly worked against the Panthers. Who couldn’t have taken the Cardinals any less seriously than they did. Everyone is quick to (rightfully) jump on Delhomme for the six turnovers he alone accounted for, but if the team as a whole had actually approached this game as anything more than a formality, then they might have occasionally put a defender on Larry Fitzgerald, whose at least a top three receiver in the NFL.

But it goes without saying that the turnovers did them in. You might recall that while we were making picks during the regular season, Delhomme’s penchant for multiple turnover games was a constant point of stress for us. Naturally, because my gambling luck has been shit for about four months now, he saved said game for when we actually picked them to cover.

Anyway, that’s the only game we have plans to cover with any manner of depth. I’d like to get onto this website and detail every game in a flummoxed tone that would convey my disbelief, but I can’t lie to you people. That was the only game we watched and were somewhat stunned by, and really it was just a repeated turnovers from a quarterback whose prone to repeatedly turning the ball over. This brings my now abhorrent playoff record (if you include picking winners and against the line) to an epically bad 6-10. With the Eagles accounting for three of those correct picks.

Again, no fantasy commentary, we’ll try to right the ship later tonight.

And just like that, we registered our first correct pick of the playoff season. It only took us four fucking games to do so. Now that, my friends, is a resume builder. If in the next three years we’re not cleaning streets for a living, then this country deserves all the misfortune it’s currently receiving.

Speaking of which, you know what was really unfortunate? Having to sit through that Miami-Baltimore game. Or rather, sitting through the Miami-Baltimore game because you’re too lazy to do anything else and someone in your house is already watching it. What an eyesore. At the very least can’t we all agree that Chad Pennington finishing tied for second in MVP voting is utter bullshit. He had a nice season and all, was the second highest rated passer in the league and was integral to leading a 1-15 team from a year ago to an 11-5 season. On the other hand he threw for 17-8, his passer rating was 97 and the team’s offense was primarily ground oriented. These are not the makings of someone who should be in serious contention for MVP.

A nice, efficient season can get you in the running for MVP. If you're a quarterback.

Look, he had a nice season and competition for MVP was fairly paltry in 2008. Virtually everyone who had a chance at it either played themselves out of contention or their teams did it for them (Clinton Portis, Drew Brees, Kurt Warner, Jay Cutler, etc.) and the award was given to Manning by default. But if we’re going to start putting quarterbacks in the running solely because they never fucked anything up significantly, then we might as well have named Trent Dilfer and Brad Johnson MVP’s of their respective Superbowl victories. I mean, they are the quarterback’s, that’s the most important position.

Really this is all moot because Manning won in a landslide. And let me state that I believe it is very much deserved (though I don’t know why these awards are only for the regular season). But when Pennington can get more votes than Adrian Peterson, who put the offense on his back and carried them into the playoffs with over 1,800 yards of total offense and Gus Ferotte and Tavaris Jackson doing nothing to distract opposing defenses from him, something is wrong.

I am of the opinion that running backs are easily replaceable, expendable commodities. But Peterson is a game changer and proved it throughout the course of the season. They’ve staged fourth quarter comebacks just by handing him the ball. Do you know how rare that is? Do not give me the fumbles statistic, either. He only lost four of them (nine total), and that’s in part that his team is so reliant on his production. Let me put it this way, if you’re a (fill in mediocre NFL team here) fan you don’t want Peterson because of his four lost fumbles, then you deserve to watch your team lose.

Basically what this vote says, is that no running back will be eligible for the MVP until he goes over 2,000 yards rushing. If Terrell Owens couldn’t come within an inch of winning the award in his first year with the Eagles then no receiver has a realistic shot. No lineman or defensive player has even sniffed the MVP, much less actually win it (we wouldn’t have complained if Jerome Harrison had won). So basically what we’re looking at is an award for best player of the year being specifically for quarterbacks. We’ll see if statistical production is improved throughout the league next season and if that has any effect on league perspective, but if this proves to be emblematic I’m really going to dislike the trend.

Back with recaps of the two games later.

So you may have noticed the site acting a tad wonky as of late, obviously this is beyond my control (and apparently beyond my employers) but technical issues have been plaguing not just this site, but the entire network. Thankfully this is, you know, a fantasy football site. And no one is really playing in a real fantasy football league at the moment.

Never the less, this proved costly (or as costly as a inaccessible blog can be) because I never got to publicly make my picks for yesterday’s games. Well, let me kill the suspense: I lost. On both accounts. I could lie, but if you’ve picked up on the tone and tenor of this site, you could probably determine that I was going to pick both Atlanta and Indianapolis to cover their 1 point spreads. It is a tad ironic though. Not being able to post my lines and everything. Because I actually had a friend in Vegas lay down a parlay for me with all four playoff games. For once I actually have money on the games slated for the weekend, and I am unable to pontificate about them on this here site.

Anyhow, as far as the Atlanta game is concerned, I threw out the old “NFC South sucks donkey dick on the road” credo in favor of the “The Cardinals are inept against anyone who isn’t in their own shittastic division” theory. This seemed reasonable. Mind you, Minnesota blew the doors off of Arizona’s defense in Glendale just four weeks ago. I assumed with Atlanta having a balanced offensive attack that hinged on the run, they would be able to get the job done at University of Phoenix Stadium (handily the worst named sporting venue this side of Papa John’s Stadium).

As it turned out, I couldn’t have been more wrong. Their offense looked sporadic and downright frightened at times. I could get into all the reasons as to why I feel slighted as a result of this game, but without getting too technical, let me just say this: It took not only a safety, two sixty yard plus touchdowns and a defensive touchdown for the Cardinals to win, but also the greatest game ever played by the Cardinals in the franchise’s history in Phoenix. I should have known I was fucked when everyone on CBS’ pregame picked the Cardinals to win except for Matt Millen. You know you’re in trouble when the architect of the first and only 0-16 team in the league’s history is agreeing with you.

As for last night’s primetime game, it was yet another playoff failure by the Colts who always seemed to go unnoticed because they won one Superbowl. This marks only the second time I’ve bet on Peyton Manning and the Colts to win, and also the second time they disappointed me (2005 against the Steelers in the playoffs was the first, I found the schmuckiest of Steelers fans to give me Indy at even money).

What specifically happened in this game? Other than Sproles proved himself to be an every-down back and officially surpassed Tomlinson as the better option and it ended in overtime? I have no idea since I was busy eating and carousing at Elevator and didn’t watch it all that closely. (Mmmm, Crab Manicotti). But we should really stop acting surprised when the Colts loses in the playoffs. Going all the way back to the 2001 season when a Chad Pennington Jets team curb-stomped them in the wild card round to the tune of 41-0, Indy has usually been a disappointment.

If you’re wondering why I went with the Colts over San Diego, the answer is quite simple: San Diego hasn’t beaten anyone good all season. They’ve had some horrendous home losses and their defense is still pretty soft. But being at home against an Indy team that appears to be running on fumes (see the much narrower than the 31-21 score against the Lions would lead you to believe). Basically, if I had any foresight or an ounce of originality in my body, I would have went with San Diego. But I don’t, so I didn’t.

Anyhow, that’s 0-2, killing our dream of 11-0 for 2008 pretty hastily. If you want to know who to bet against for this afternoon’s games, I am taking Philly at -3 and Miami at +3.5 (the former seems to be much more popular of a sentiment that the latter).

That’s pretty much it. We’ll get back to some fantasy commentary come tomorrow morning.

And so ends another year of fantasy football. We’ve had some highs (a six game winning streak) some lows (an 0-4 start that basically kept us out of regular season money) and we owe it all to the Gods of the NFL. And when I say Gods, I mean Bill Walsh, the recently fired Mike Shanahan and everyone else responsible for the standard NFL offensive format (their all pretty much the same).

The luck factor to this season far exceeded that of any before it. At this point, we don’t even want a first round draft pick. We’re like Jimmy Johnson looking to unload Herschel Walker on whatever gullible sap we can put them on for middle-tier picks. I mean, who is instilling any confidence at the running back and receiver positions going into next season? Obviously Adrian Peterson, but after that? We’re looking at Maurice Jones-Drew, DeAngelo Williams and Brian Westbrook. I really don’t feel like any of those three options merit a first round pick.

At receiver it’s worse. I shit you not when I say that Calvin Johnson tied Larry Fitzgerald for the league lead in reception touchdowns. That’s right, the league leader in receiving touchdowns was also a member of the first ever 0-16 team in the history of the NFL. Some might say that this would make him a surefire first rounder next season, but he still plays for the Lions and seems to speak to the randomness of fantasy football. Anquan Boldin tied Randy Moss for second. A receiver who was injured so severely that he basically had a second skull inserted into his head, was one touchdown away from being the league leader, and he would have undoubtedly gotten it if he didn’t miss four games to said injury.

So, who are you liking at receiver? Obviously Braylon Edwards is off the books. Terrell Owens had ten touchdowns but didn’t crack 70 receptions. Not to mention he’s getting old and is unhappy. And we all know what that means: When Terrell Owens isn’t happy, no one’s happy. Somehow he has managed to make himself the unreasonably demanding girlfriend to the Cowboys needy and desperate boyfriend. My guess is the aforementioned Calvin Johnson tops a lot of boards, along with Fitzgerald (though his quarterback situation looks to be in peril), Andre Johnson (who’s as injury prone as anyone), Wes Welker (though he only got in the end zone thrice) and Brandon Marshall (Jesus, really?). Again, I’m just not feeling confident with any of those to comfortably use a first rounder on.

I really think, and this could be completely turned on its head at the start of next season, going with a quarterback in the first round is the safest bet you’re going to find. Depending on how everything shapes out, if you can snag Tom Brady/Matt Cassel, Drew Brees, Jay Cutler, Philip Rivers or Peyton Manning in the first round, you might be well advised to do so. It feels like for everyone of those receivers and running backs mentioned above, you can get someone comparable in later rounds (not to mention get lucky with someone like one of the dozens of players I could name but won’t take the time too). But their is a much bigger drop off from a top-tier to a second-tier quarterback.

/Wild, premature speculation.

Anyhow, just to prove my point, here are five players that probably let you down tremendously in your championship game, written in the same vein as this site.

1) Wes Welker
Just who do you think you are, Wes? You think because it’s snowing you can disappear in a pivotal week 17 game against the Bills? The Bills, Wes? You live in the northeast now, alright. Where the weather can push the ball to the right or left six to eight inches, so buck up and fucking deal with it. Either step-up or prepare to be stepped off, because Robert Craft will fire your ass like you work on an assembly line. Don’t think because you’re white you’ll get any preferential treatment. This isn’t the 1950’s. Two catches for 26 yards is considered a shit game under any circumstances. David Duke wouldn’t want you on his team with those kinds of numbers.

2) Brian Westbrook
Wow, didn’t I just anoint you top five running back status? And how do you repay me? With 62 yards of total offense and a lost fumble? Thanks for returning the favor, man. I could have ran for sixty yards against a team throwing the game. You might have had me fooled with your ankle breaking cuts and combination of strength and speed, but I’m onto you Brian. No one this proficient was ever supposed to come out of Villanova’s football program. You hear me? Nobody. So take your false modesty and head back to the nation’s capital. We hear they love a two-faced aging professional there.

3) Frank Gore
Oooh, 1,400 yards of total offense this season. If it was 1970 I’d be impressed. Also, can we put an asterisk next to your name in the record books so everyone knows that 80% of your production came in about six games of the season? No? Well fuck you then, Frank. I’m onto your Miami-ness. It’s only a matter of time before Mike Singletary puts you out of your injury prone misery with a nice, vibrant pink slip. Especially if all we’re going to get out of you is 64 yards of offense.

4) Maurice Jones-Drew
Considering you’re only five feet tall, do you think you have any longevity in this league? Seriously, you’re career might make Ki-Jana Carter look like Emmit Smith. If anything, We’ll probably see Jacksonville draft another running back to take some of the pressure off Tonttu here, the mischievous miscreant of the Jacksonville Jaguars backfield. Or at least, if we continue down the path that results in 88 yards and a lost fumble,

A visual approximation to what Jones-Drew would look like if he were Finnish.

5) Brandon Marshall
Does one even qualify for this list if he’s always on it? We grapple with this every week for Marshall, Marvin Harrison, Cris Cooley and anyone on the Browns. But Brandon, you managed to finish third in the league in total receptions, how is it that your fantasy output barely breaks the shoe size of a two year-old. Don’t think because you have one of the cooler sounding names in the NFL we won’t call you out on your bullshit. 6 catches for 55 yards? Thanks for not getting shut out against one of the worst defenses in the league. I really appreciate it.

Honorable mention: Jamal Lewis, Vincent Jackson, Matt Forte, Willis McGahee, Clinton Portis & Santana Moss.

Back tomorrow with playoff previews.

Since we kind of forgot that Christmas was this week, we neglected to adjust our schedule and post our weekly “These are the people you should be unjustly contemptuous towards” a day early. As a result, we’re going to take timeout of our day tomorrow to post the first half of our picks or we’re going to do them all on Friday. Hopefully, and I know it’s almost unavoidable, this doesn’t ruin the holidays for you. Because I’m tryin’, Ringo. I’m trying real hard, to post sufficiently and in a timely fashion.

And since it’s the holidays, even though we lost our fantasy playoff matchup in the most agonizingly painful way imaginable*, being the good Samaritan that I am, we’re going to do a top five unexpectedly stellar performances from the week. Even though we can’t really think of any off the top of our head, unless you think two running backs breaking off more total yardage and touchdowns than they have all season against a top ten run defense qualifies? No? Yeah, then we’ll have to look this up.

1) Vinsanthe Shiancoe
From exposing himself in the locker room to having a breakout season, this guy has been everywhere. After catching seven passes for 136 yards and two touchdowns, he makes our cut as well. Let’s put it this way, anytime an eligible receiver on the Vikings goes for over 30 points in my fantasy league, he’s making this list. And unless something unthinkable happens, like Braylon Edwards living up to his name for two straight weeks, he’ll generally make the top spot.

2) Tavaris Jackson
After a slow week, Tavaris is getting on this list mostly as a result of that and diminished expectations. Over three hundred yards of total offense and two touchdowns is a great game for just about anyone, but naturally Tavaris had two lost fumbles to accompany it, so we put him here at #2 and his teammate at #1. Man, you have to wonder how they lost this game with two participants in their passing offense having such great fantasy games. Oh, that’s right. The two fumbles.

3) Dennis Northcutt
For starters: Holy shit Dennis Northcutt is still playing football in the NFL? I remember when he was with the Browns recovering onside kicks. Secondly: A Jacksonville receiver not named Matt Jones finally came through with a big game? It’s a little late and they still lost to the Colts, but we’ll acknowledge Mr. Northcutt’s performance, and most likely pick against them in our lines on Friday.

Man, I really hope they've since taken that banner down.

(Note: we would put David Garrard on here, but sine he had relatively lofty expectations at the beginning of the year and has failed to meet them in every conceivable way, we’re deeming him ineligible).

4) LaMont Jordan
You could probably just throw every single Patriot onto this list (outside of Randy Moss and Wes Welker) and no one would argue. But holy hell, remember when LaMont Jordan was going to turn around the Raiders running game after being signed from the Jets as Curtis Martin’s backup? Yeah, neither do I. But someone told me about this during the game. And now here he is, accumulating 78 rushing yards and two touchdowns in what seemed like a single quarter of play.

Probably a good indication that you’re not ready for the NFL playoffs is that you’re giving up 18 fantasy points to players like LaMont Jordan. And it’s not even done so deceptively. New England was setting up in run formations with him as the lone back, handing it off and letting him run wild all over ‘Zona. I have no idea who the Cards are playing in their first hosted playoff game in a half century, but I’m willing to give the points.

5) Devard Darling
He is making this list solely because we’ve never heard of him until Sunday and he was the runner up for our Tim Hightower Week 16 recipient. Darling amassed 3 catches for 69 yards and a touchdown against the Dolphins, which is an admirable performance for anyone. But there were less obscure names with higher production totals that we snubbed because this is, like we mentioned earlier, a very slow week for unforeseen great performances. So we put the fifth year vet from Washington State in our five spot.

Honorable mention: Cedric Benson (171 yards, one fumble lost), Ted Ginn (75 total yards, 4 receptions, one rushing TD), Justin Gage (5 receptions, 104 yards & 1 TD), JaMarcus Russell (236 yards, two touchdowns), Marques Colston (9 receptions, 99 yards, 2 TD’s)

Back tomorrow or Friday with advice and picks for the last week of the season. Have a happy holidays and we’ll see you all on Friday.

*= Not really, but the hyperbole makes it so relatable.

If you actually sat through last night’s game and it wasn’t redeemed by either the outcome or fantasy success for you (we can’t imagine anyone with any of these players were feeling good about aspect of the game), rest assure that neither of these teams should make the playoffs. And if Chicago does manage to qualify for the post-season (needing a win against Houston and a Vikings loss against the Giants), then you can take comfort in the fact that they won’t make it out of the wild card round.

Maybe I was still embittered from my fantasy football catastrophe the night before, and maybe since we only watched the second half of the game we never fully settled in with this matchup. Whatever it was, we were bored as shit watching an overtime game between the two oldest rivals in the NFL. I think the fact that we had such high hopes for Green Bay and the fact that they have been such a tremendous letdown probably factors into why we were so turned off while watching this last night. When you publicly state that a team is destined for competitiveness and they turn around on you and lose to the 2008 Jacksonville Jaguars, it can result in some pretty strange reactions. Mine is to loathe every game this team plays from here on out.

Really, I can’t tell if it would be more depressing for Detroit or Green Bay to lose next week. Detroit, on one hand, is facing massive layoffs in the face of the economic crisis and their team is on the verge of going 0-16, not to mention they are the first ever 0-15 team in the history of the league. Rob Marinelli looks about ready to breakdown crying every time he is interviewed and now he’s being ridiculed at press conferences for nepotism that probably isn’t helping matters.

Alright, it’s probably the Lions. But can you imagine the Green Bay faithful if they lose to the sob story described above. They haven’t lost to the Lions at home since 1991, they’ve lost five straight games to give them a current 5-10 record and they no longer have the Good ‘ol boy to validate themselves. Things could get ugly. I’m almost rooting for the Packers to win just because they’re the home team. And trust me, if Green Bay hinged on a single industry that is about a year away from total collapse, I probably would. But we’ve done a complete 180 from yesterday. We’ve gone from considering this game must see television to regarding it as one of the more depressing sporting events of the past decade. There are no winners in this race.

I still think going 0-16 would be an appropriate end to the Millen era.

Anyhow, nice job Packers. You’ve become such a sad sack yourself that we can’t root against you in a game with an 0-15 team. How is this even remotely possible? If you’re looking for a coach that deserves to be fired, it is probably Mike McCarthy and whoever their defensive coordinator is. Because for the most part, Aaron Rodgers, the guy everyone was so hesitant to give the keys to the engine to o in the first place, has not been the problem. In fact he’s the 8th highest rated passer in the league. That’s a higher rating than either their running game or any aspect of their defense. So yeah, feel free to can Mike McCarthy. You will hear no self-righteousness from this website.

Anyhow, as hinted at before, the fantasy aspect of this game was pretty fucking terrible. Unless you had Robbie Gould or Greg Olsen (and maybe Aaron Rodgers), you were probably hoping for more. And even then, Olsen caught 5 catches for 49 yards, but one was for a touchdown so it’s a redeemable performance for a tight end. Of course, if you’re starting Greg Olsen as your tight end then you’re obsolete to the rest of your league anyways. Gould is a kicker and put up a minimum of 8 points in most leagues, which is stellar for a kicker. Aaron Rodgers threw for 2 touchdowns and 260 yards with one interception to boot.

Actually, upon further review, Ryan Grant finally came through for his owners with a receiving touchdown and about 100 yards of total offense. Congratulations, to all of you who drafted him in the second round. You probably didn’t even start him do to prolonged ineptitude this season and because they were playing the Bears, but if you had the stomach (or lack of options) for it, he finally came produced like you expected in week 16. And he averaged 2.4 ypc to do so.

In other words, unless you were in a close game to begin with, this contest provided virtually no satisfaction. I like Aaron Rodgers and the Packers offense, but he completed 24 passes to ten different people. This is a nightmare for fantasy owners. It’s basically the receiving version of run-by-committee started by the Broncos after Clinton Portis left town.

Luckily the Packers aren’t a playoff team. Otherwise this might be the new trend that bucks conventional wisdom in the NFL. You know, like putting the ball in the hands of your best playmakers is a winning proposition. Not to say it isn’t the best option for Green Bay to spread the ball around. With all due respect to Greg Jennings, he isn’t exactly Jerry Rice. But there are too many game changers in the league at receiver and tight end for this to make fantasy football an even more luck based endeavor than it already is. Just because the Packers do not have any doesn’t mean no one else does.

Oh, now that all the games are wrapped up (and we forgot to do so yesterday), we have to present the Tim Hightower Talking Fantasy Football Award winner from week 16. This person we’ve never heard of before, most likely because he plays for the Raiders and sports three names to his resume. He went to school at UTEP and managed to net three receptions for one touchdown and return one more on a kickoff. Your Tim Hightower Award winner for week 16 is none other than Johnny Lee Higgins. Congrats, Johnny, on rising from the depths of obscurity to make a name for yourself in a meaningless week 16 game and for pissing off Ronald Curry owners everywhere.

Back with five letdown performances either later today or early tomorrow.

You guys know me, I don’t like to complain. But the result of yesterday’s fantasy matchup was just a little too much for me to keep my mouth shut. For starters, the three guys I had playing in the Thursday night game racked up 75 points for me, with seven players left to my opponents 8, I felt like I had it in the bag. Well, going into the Panthers-Giants game I was sporting a 40 point lead with Jon Stewart left. In short, the person I’m playing decides to start Derrick Ward and Brandon Jacobs. Ward goes on to reach milestones that we haven’t seen since Jim Brown, and Brandon Jacobs rushes for three touchdowns, only to give one of the more incoherent post-game interviews I’ve seen this side of Lloyd Carr.

Whatever, the guy who beat me hadn’t once scored over 130 points all season, out of nowhere he goes into Monday night with 157, and still has his kicker going. I would just like to point out that Ward and Jacobs have not managed to have simultaneous serviceable, much less great fantasy performances in the same game. My opponent was hedging his bets to what some might say a comical degree and it managed to payoff. Not only did he get over 300 yards of total offense and three touchdowns out of it, he also got a win and a chance to play in the finals. Where the likelihood of such a thing happening again is a virtual impossibility.

There are a couple things I could have done differently, namely switched out my kicker (Neil Rackers) for someone off free agency and played New England’s defense instead of Minnesota’s. But even with Arizona’s tribulations in cold weather, I would have never thought they would look that bad. Ever. So I passed on New England’s defense which is known to give up points and kept Neil Rackers in for the same reason. Not realizing that the Cardinals were basically the aliens from Signs.

Speaking of which, is there an outside shot that Ken Whisenhunt and the Cardinals are putting us on, and losing these games so spectacularly to keep the other five NFC playoff teams on their heels? He had to figure they weren’t getting a bye, so why not just bottom out and lead everyone to believe you’re a pretender going into the playoffs at 8-8? I mean, I would assume it was just the weather (as we’ve gone over before), but they made Tavaris Jackson look playoff ready at home last week. And I am skeptical that anyone is this effected by some frozen water. I know I sort of conceded that they were just a second ago, but I still do not believe it.

Also of interest from that game: Considering Randy Moss has eleven touchdowns on the year and it’s considered under-performing (it’s less than half he had all season), I think it speaks in droves about this New England team and Moss himself. He’s tied for the league lead with Boldin and will break 1,000 yards receiving again next week against Buffalo. In short, he’s still the best receiver in the game, he just can’t have Aaron Brooks, Kerry Collins or Andrew Walter throwing to him. Wait, that’s not even remotely fair. What I meant to say was: he can’t be in a Raiders uniform. I would assume the problems with Raider nation are more systemic than just the plethora of sub-par quarterbacks they’ve had since Rich Gannon retired. No team is that unlucky.

So we're all in agreement? This Never happened, right?

Well, except for the Browns, that is. Right now that entire city is still demanding playoff like performances from their team, and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, Cleveland. But it’s never going to happen. At least not in 2008. Your team hasn’t scored a touchdown in five straight games, before that they pissed away three losses and managed to break all sorts of records while doing so. Right now, this is the only team in the NFL that would be a dog at home against the Lions.

And it’s nothing personal, Browns fans. They just really are not that good. They all seem to be reading from a different playbook, Jerome Harrison and Donte Stallworth do not see the ball nearly enough, not to mention all of your receivers are disgruntled and your coach looks scared shitless every time they pan to him on the sidelines.

But all of that is moot, really. Because you’re not going to be winning games in the NFL with Ken Dorsey as your quarterback. He threw three interceptions, and if you’re wondering what that brings his touchdown-interception ratio to after three games and a quarter, it’s 0/8. I guess the Browns finally decided to put him out of his misery and send Gradkowski in, who managed to add a fourth one to that, making Cinncy’s sporadically feisty defense look like the ‘85 Bears.

Personally — and this is just my opinion — if they wanted to play a quarterback from a north Ohio MAC school, they definitely went with the wrong one. Josh Cribbs has probably thrown the best looking passes the Browns have produced in the past three weeks. He played quarterback at Akron and if nothing else, he can bide his time with scrambling and even gain yards on the ground. That alone makes him a better option that Ken Dorsey.

Oh well, at least they managed to make the other half of the state feel a tad better about the state of their team. If nothing else, Kirk Fitzpatrick seems to have grown into a suitable backup for the 2009 season. And really, that was all the Bengals were going to get out of 2008 anyways. So long as they didn’t go winless and there were signs of improvement, I say this in all seriousness, the Bengals couldn’t have expected much more from the season.

Sure, you could have expected them to prepare themselves better for the inevitable injuries that plague every team these days, but the circumstances being what they are (Carson Palmer out, and aging offensive line and Chad Johnson, no reliable running back), a potential 4-11-1 season isn’t look so bad. Right now they’re one of the better really bad teams in the NFL, on par with the Seahawks. Bang up job, Mr. Brown. With any luck you can draft the next Chris Perry in 2009.

Moving on.

As expected, Detroit was blown out by a Saints team that’s attempting to get their quarterback over 5,000 yards, because if they’re not going to compete for the playoffs, they want to at least showcase that they had the best quarterback in the league for the 2008 season. Anyhow, Detroit has one last ditch effort against a defunct and indifferent Green Bay team next week. I actually consider this must watch television, which should tell you something about how lightly I take the NFL. At least they have an army of draft picks for next season even if it still won’t be enough to right the ship. Then again, maybe I shouldn’t speak so hastily, look at the Dolphins this year.

On a fantasy related note: I take it all back, Marques Colston. I take it all back. I still manage to lose in heartbreaking fashion this week, but by golly for once it wasn’t because I drafted you in the fourth. I don’t want to give you too much credit, all you had to do was put up a decent game against the Lions. But all we ask when it comes to fantasy football is that you refrain from making us look idiotic. Thomas Jones made us look ridiculous in 2007, and made us look even more so this year when we passed on him form (gulp) Kenny Watson. That’s what he gets for putting up Ki-Jana Carter like numbers in 2007, he gets to make me look like a spiteful idiot.

(Back to the Bengals running game for a second: what the fuck happened with Kenny Watson anyways? Is there a reason they benched their leading rusher from last season, after releasing their leading rusher from the previous four seasons other than to feel validated in that horrible Chris Perry draft pick in 2004? Ladies and gentlemen that make up Bengal nation: This is why your team’s running game isn’t any stronger: Spite. Unfortunately for you, they’re running an actual NFL franchise and not a fantasy team).

There was a lot to get to from the past week, in real and fantasy football alike. We’ll try to cover it later today. And if you’re an avid reader of this site, you know that in no way is that going to happen.

Alright, given our content with how the past week of NFL contests went, it can only mean one thing: That those of you who were having great seasons are now eliminated from your playoffs (assuming you have a playoff). We do not like to be too self-indulgent on this website, so here are five players that gravely disappointed you on Sunday. We do not want to trigger any flashbacks, so if the weekend was particularly difficult for you, it’s best to turn away.

1) Brian Westbrook
Given that they won 30-10, one would assume his stat line has to be askew: 67 total yards and 3 receptions. But no, I watched that game in its entirety and that is accurate. Are The Browns so god awful now that one dimensional offenses like Philly can veer away from that one dimension and still win handily? I’m afraid so. It looks like Westbrook used up all his garbage points in that four touchdown game that slaughtered me on Thanksgiving. So, in other words Westbrook owners, you’re not getting any sympathy from here. As long as the Eagles win, I could give a shit how if I’m devoid of any of their players for fantasy.

It's probably had to believe that this symbolizes the glory days for any entity, but it does for the Browns.

2) Chris Johnson
He should really be in the top spot because he doesn’t have Westbrook’s excuse, his team lost. To an inferior opponent. But since he sort of splits carries we’ll let it slide. What’s worse is that everyone knew it would happen. That’s right, everyone knew a 12-1 team was going to lose to a 6-7 team because…they were on the road? I have no idea. But I do know one thing, his 65 rushing yards and two yards on two receptions didn’t help matters.

3) Larry Fitzgerald
Now that his team has been properly exposed as a fraud, do you think there’s a chance he’ll close out the last two weeks of the season strong? I guess they have to be playing one of the ten worst teams in the NFL at home to expect much out of all the Cardinals. What’s even more mind-boggling is that on the heels of this extraordinary loss to the Vikings, the pro-bowl starters were announced yesterday, and Kurt Warner got the nod at quarterback. As well as Boldin and Fitzgerald at receiver. That’s right, your starting receiving corps. and quarterback for the NFC all come from the same team. Anyhow, I hope that makes you feel better as a Fitzgerald owner after his 5 catches for 52 yards. Him and his counterparts have shammed their way into an all-star game that no one wants to play in. Congrats.

4) Brandon Marshall
Is it too much to ask that a pro-bowl receiver has two games in a row? Can this Denver team not blow a division championship to a team that can at best go 8-8? If Brandon Marshall can’t stem together two games in which he doesn’t disappoint fantasy owners, their is a good chance of it. 5 catches for 48 yards doesn’t get your team into the playoffs in weeks 16 & 17. At this point, we’re actually rooting for the Chargers. We don’t really give a shit either way, but if the Chargers are winning that means Vincent Jackson is probably performing. And much like the Chargers themselves, Jackson is the X-factor on my fantasy team.

5) Jason Witten
What happened? You used to be so dependable and were considered the best tight end in the league with the predictable premature decline of Antonio Gates and Tony Gonzalez (whom never actually declined). Yet you only have one touchdown in your last eight games, and that was the one game you tallied more than six catches. The Giants have a stifling defense, but you’re a tight end. You’re supposed to be the last, safe option when your QB is facing a tenacious pass rush. I guess you were probably blocking and Romo is afraid to throw to you lest Owens gets jealous. But still, 5 catches for 44 yards? It’s amazing you guys won so convincingly.

Honorable mention: Cris Cooley (6 catches, 51 yards, one fumble lost), Tim Hightower (20 rushing yards 20 receiving yards), Anquan Boldin (6 catches, 34 yards, one fumble lost), Eli Manning (2 INT’s, no TD’s), Terrell Owens (3 catches for 38 yards, how the hell did they win this game?), TJ Houshmenzadeh (3 catches for 19 yards)

Well, that was some Monday night game. Nothing like setting off the work week with an abomination of a performance from the Browns as they suffer yet another shellacking, this time at the hands of the Eagles. Who I might remind you, couldn’t muster up even two touchdowns against the Bengals. I can’t believe we’re going to watch an NFL game in 2008 this Sunday with Ken Dorsey and Ryan Fitzpatrick leading the two offenses onto the field. I think we’re at a point with the NFL in Ohio that the two cities to the north and south of me need to quietly amass a boycott. Given, some are trying to attempt one already, but that’s only for Cincinnati. We need to pull our resources and make this a statewide effort.

Don’t get me wrong, there were some bright spots from last night’s contest. Who would’ve thought that only 15 weeks into the season, Braylon Edwards would start to make plays. I think this is evident but I’ll say it anyways: Ken Dorsey has earned himself the starting position. Sure, they only amassed 3 points on offense and Edwards only put up roughly ten fantasy points, but Edwards didn’t drop a single pass. That has to count for something, right? Just a moral victory? OK, then. I’m still not starting him this week.

I imagine this was one of the 30-something drops on the season.

On the Eagles side, is their a team more flaky than this one? They can steamroll the Cardinals (apparently a small feat if you do not reside in the NFC west), the Giants and the Browns (just to cover all degrees of opponents); yet get blown out by the Ravens and not put a single point on the board in an overtime game with the Bengals. Are they a playoff team? Probably not. Right now we have three teams sitting at 9-5, a half game in front of the Eagles, and one a half game back in the Bears.

That means even if you take out the divisional winners as they currently stand, Philly would have to be one of five teams competing for two open playoff spots. I don’t know what the schedules look like and I’m not going to research it, but if it’s possible for Tampa, Atlanta and Dallas to all win out, I wouldn’t put it past any of them to do so. Nice job Philly, your temperament is going to cost you a chance at the playoffs because you couldn’t beat the Bengals. That is something that doesn’t happen everyday: the Bengals were an actual obstacle for a playoff contender. Surely it was a result of not trading Chad Johnson when they had the opportunity. That’s why they beat the Redskins, too.

Also, a piece of advice to Andy Reid and Joe Banner: You might want to recalibrate your expectations of Kevin Kolb. He only threw a couple passes last night but one of them was for an interception, and the one game this season where he received significant reps (@ the Ravens) he looked patently awful. Seriously, just consider drafting one of these Big 12 QB’s (Daniels, Harrell, Bradford or even Tebow in the SEC if he comes out) with one of your late first round picks (they have the Panthers 1st rounder after trading the rights to Jeff Otah away in the 2008 draft).

Anyhow, that game last night was indicative of just how much the NFL owes to the advent of fantasy football. Thirty years ago, their audience would have been non-existent at halftime in every city outside of Philly and Cleveland. I don’t have the numbers off-hand, so I’ll concede that could have been the case last night as well. But some anecdotal evidence, we had two fantasy playoff contests going until the very last drive and had 7 out of the 10 participants in my league glued to the screen.

Naturally, nothing happened in one of the them as Kevin Curtis fell two fantasy points shy from pulling an improbable comeback (roughly a catch for 15 yards in our league). But in the other game, as the result of a DeSean Jackson interception, he lost his spot in the semifinals. He spent the rest of the night hoping for some garbage points from him but it was in vein. I’m pretty sure he’s under his desk sobbing uncontrollably at work right now.

Point being, regardless of the pace of the game, be it a blowout, low scoring, high scoring, highly contested or whatever else, as long as you have an active fantasy player in it, you won’t lose interest. We’ve known this for sometime, but since it was a Monday night game (the only matchup available), a blowout and we’re in the playoffs, it just seemed to typify what makes fantasy football so appealing in the first place.

We’re so regularly getting around to this later than expected that it is no longer later than expected. It’s just when we write it. So be it. Do not expect these Monday posts to go up anytime before 1PM EST and if they do, you should be flummoxed at our tremendous punctuality.

But what a letdown week from so many performers for the first week of most leagues playoffs. It’s almost unfathomable to figure just how so many players can come up so short in games that are pivotal for the playoff race. In short, if you had Chris Johnson or LenDale White on your team, you’re probably a little dissatisfied with the result. I mean, they were playing the Texans for God’s sake, it wasn’t exactly the 2000 Ravens or anything. Really? You guys can’t muster up even a combined 20 fantasy points against a 6-7 team? What can we depend on?

(On a personal note, we switched White out of our starting lineup immediately at around 12:58PM yesterday, due to a late and fortunate “Q” next to his name in Yahoo. We put in Kevin Faulk in place of him and needless to say, it was wise decision That’s right, Imma geniuse).

Certainly not the Giants, who look a little shorthanded without their star wideout. In the games they had played without Plax, I get the impression that the teams still had to prepare for him (sans that week 3 game against the Rams) and were a bit off-balance when it ended up he wasn’t going to play. Or maybe in the case of the Cardinals, they just are not all that great to begin with, and their record is askew from their actual talent by virtue of playing in the worst division in the NFL. Whatever it is, they’re not the same team without him, and this has our future bet in jeopardy. We didn’t watch the game, we were watching the Survivor finale, but if the numbers are any indication, winning big games against talented rosters is going to pose somewhat of an issue.

But that was the NFL in week 15, up was down and black was white. There wasn’t any continuity between yesterday’s games and the past fourteen weeks. Even the Colts needed the fourth quarter to beat the Lions. Needless to say, our record against the line took a significant hit in credibility. Not sure I really want to type out our record now, but lets just say that I knew the Giants were losing based on how everything else went earlier in the day. To bad we made our pick for that game last Friday instead of yesterday at 7:30PM.

Tough week for the Plaxinator and his soon to be former team.

And really, I shouldn’t say their wasn’t any continuity. Why, the Packers lost to the Jags. That’s pretty consistent with at least the past three weeks, if not the entire season. Good lord what a fall from grace they’ve had recently. Is it just nerves? Are they indifferent to the season now? How do they go from tied for the lead in a tough division to losing to Houston, Carolina (a warm weather team) at home and now to the lowly and under-achieving Jaguars on the road? We’re giving Mike McCarthy about a gazillion to one shot to keep his job at the end of the season, because the management wants someone to pin the season on who isn’t named Aaron Rodgers.

Can we even call that win from the Chargers a comeback? First of all, it was against the Chiefs. No one comes back against the Chiefs in 2008, you simply beat them. If you were down in the first place then you were being upset unless you’re the Raiders, Bengals, Lions, Seahawks, Rams and apparently the Redskins, to name a few. Secondly, the last few drives of the game I felt like could have been stopped by any competent defense in the league (which excludes all the aforementioned teams). All I’m saying is that if I’m a Chargers fan (or a Tomlinson owner) I’m not exactly thrilled when they need a series of miraculous plays to overcome a bottom-feeder in the fifteenth week of a season they were supposed to dominate. Odds Norv Turner keeps his job: Surprisingly pretty fucking high because AJ Smith doesn’t want to look like an idiot for firing Schottenheimer (sp?) in the first place.

Anyhow, it was an unpredictable week and we’re paying the price for it with our picks (we’re not linking to them one more time). But on a positive linear note, considering that whenever our fantasy team wins it squeaks out a victory against another team whose having a comparatively bad week, we actually dominated this week and scored more points than anyone else in our league to push us into the semifinals (assuming David Akers doesn’t rack up over 25 fantasy points). In other words, I hope I finish below .500 for the last two weeks of the season if this is the net result.

We’ll try to post more later, but are pressed for time as is. Definitely back tomorrow, though.

This is on ongoing segment we’ll hold onto, as kvetching about inexplicably bad performances is half the enjoyment of participating in fantasy sports. Considering only roughly 20% of us ever finish in the money or walk away with a sense of validation, I think maintaining the one weekly post where we single out and ridicule various players is a necessity.

1) Peyton Manning
Maybe you deserve this top spot and maybe you do not, but I have you on my team so we’re putting you here regardless. Jesus. One would assume that in times like these, I wish I had a second quarterback on my team, but it’s exactly the opposite. If I had, say, Gus Ferotte as a backup and he is playing the Bears like he did this week while Manning is playing the Browns; there isn’t a chance in hell I’m starting Ferotte over Manning based on the inconceivable notion that Ferotte could outscore Manning under any circumstances, much less quadruple Manning’s fantasy production on a single play against a superior opponent. So instead of being bitter that just my first round draft pick had an unbelievably terrible performance against one of the leagues worst defenses, I would have been bitter that I left a perfectly viable performer sitting on my bench to rot. Anyhow, get fucked with a farming utensil, Peyton.

2) Vincent Jackson
You’re not exactly a power player so you probably do not deserve this sort of recognition. But still, what the fuck, Vincent? You play an entire game and you fail to catch a single pass. We live on the other end of the country so we weren’t able to watch the game, we had assumed you were Anquan Boldined or something. But no, you just failed to score even a fraction of a point in fantasy. More importantly, Who the fuck still goes by Vincent in their 20’s? Isn’t it just customary to cut it to Vince, or Vinnie, if you want to go the Italian route? I think this explains a lot about why you can actually start a game at receiver and fail to score a single point or have any impact on the game whatsoever.

It may not exude athletic prowess, but if someone said his name at least I would assume it was in reference to an adult.

3) Braylon Edwards
We could fill this list with people on our fantasy team alone, but I promise this is the last one, as it’s kind of a stretch. Shit, relative to that putrid contest that took place in Cleveland on Sunday, Edwards was among the top performers. I mean he only caught two passes for 36 yards, but still, it felt like the world was going to collapse on itself with both receptions. This isn’t really warranted anymore. Once you have so many terrible weeks in one season, you’re supposed to be excluded from contention here. But Edwards has been such a regular disappointment that I can’t help myself. Oh, and he has Ken Dorsey throwing to him for the rest of the season, too. To be frank, we can only go uphill. Shit, at least on their last drive, Dorsey had the balls to throw to him beyond five yards. That was impressive.

4) Laverneus Coles
I’ve never encouraged a player to retire in any sport, but I think it’s time we hang up the cleats, Laverneus. Two receptions for two total yards are Rudy numbers. That is, the books will recognize that you played but no one else will. Thanks for showing up, I hope the long distance relationship with Chad Pennington is going well, but it appears to be effecting your season. I mean, you have Brett Favre, Mr. Gunslinger/unapologetic interception throwing to you. He’ll throw into triple coverage for a five percent chance of getting you the ball. And you only manage 2 catches for 2 yards. Disgraceful.

5) Brandon Marshall
Alright, what the fuck is going on? Has Eddie Royale in his rookie year usurped you during your breakout season? That would be unprecedented turnover for an NFL team. The only time I can recall this happening is Randy Moss out-shined Jake Reed in his rookie season when Reed was about to take the leap. They both had good seasons (everyone on the Minnesota team did), but Reed was an afterthought to Carter and Moss. What’s amazing isn’t that you failed to score ten points, it’s that you failed to do so while your teammates racked up 34 points of offense in a stunning upset. Five catches for 55 yards might get you recognition in the real world, but over here in fantasy land that only earns you the wrath of hapless pretend owners. It’s palpable, I know.

Honorable mention: Clinton Portis, Frank Gore, Matt Cassel (couldn’t do it based on only a two game history of great games, but the hype he received for those two games, the backlash was tempting), Joseph Addai, Antonio Gates, Randy Moss.

Probably it for today.

Hello, hello. Since we do not want to completely abandon our top five premise that served us so well for the past ten weeks or so, here are your five biggest disappointments from the past week of football. There were plenty to choose from, and we needed an extra day to actually get it down to just five. Let’s just stop the lolly-gagging and get down to it.

1) Santana Moss
My, my, how the mighty have fallen. We’ll readily admit that something is inherently wrong with your team’s play calling when you only beat the Seahawks by three, but fantasy football is about irrational vendettas against individual players. Because I can’t imagine, on what other plane of existence someone could be so guaranteed to succeed and yet fail so regularly. I’m sure your owners are, for the most part content with your season thus far. Given the unsteady nature of receivers this season, you’ve been about as good as they’ve come. But that doesn’t excuse a four catch 72 yard game with no touchdowns against one of the worst pass defenses in the league. I don’t know about anyone else, but I can’t wait for Moss here to fall back into obscurity next season. Because right now, you feel fucked if he has a great game against you, and fucked if he’s in your lineup and has a game like this one. It’s borderline unbearable.

2) Brandon Marshall
That’s two terrible games in a row now. Oakland, for as much of a clusterfuck as they are on offense, do have an underrated defense. But it’s only underrated because everyone assumes it’s amongst the worst in the league. It’s really about average. So congrats, you racked up 4 catches for 84 yards against an average defense and a terrible franchise. I’m willing to bank on the fact that you underrated it too, and are over-confident that you’ll make the playoffs because of your unfathomably terrible division, and you’re probably right. But considering you’re now regarded as a top fantasy receiver, I can’t imagine how many games were decided by this dismal performance.

I prefer my Marshall's to be ominous universities in West Virginia.

3) Chris Johnson
I’m not going to lie, I never thought we’d put his name up here. This guy has been beastly in his rookie season, but this is two games now he’s been thoroughly exposed, and this time it cost his team their first loss of the season. It wasn’t entirely his fault, the receivers all turning into Braylon Edwards didn’t really help matters. But no one is expecting a receiving corps. spearheaded by Justin Gage to look like the ‘98 Vikings, and your 46 yards and lost fumble aren’t really helping matters. In short, you failed miserably and now have everyone predicting your team loses to the Colts and falls short of the Superbowl.

4) Jonathan Stewart
You probably don’t belong here, but this is personal. You actually start to get carries and albeit it was against the Lions in week 11. So we thought, what the hell? His ceiling is relatively high and if he’s actually getting carries in a game they were losing, surely I can expect the same amount of touches and relatively similar productivity against a divisional foe, right? Wrong. Like, fifteen total yards, wrong. His honky fucking quarterback managed to out-rush him and scamper in for a touchdown. For fuck’s sake, how does a team put up 28 points and their first round rookie running back only manage fifteen yards? In 2008? Oh, that’s right. They were on the road. Heaven forbid I expect a solid game when you have thousands of people hoping otherwise. I forgot about the delicate sensibilities of the NFC South.

5) Roy Williams
Anyone capable of cognitive thought knew that the Cowboys were giving up entirely too much for you. And while I’m sure everyone appreciates you proving them right, you still have fantasy owners to consider here. When your team only needs 3 catches for 36 yards out of you drop 35 on the Niners, you might want to rethink how vital you really are to any team success over the past…well, your entire career. Part of it isn’t your fault, that team is loaded with passing options (Barber, Witten, Owens, Crayton), but you were a at worst a fifth round pick, now that you’re on a semi-functional team its time to start acting like it.

Back with previews of the three games tomorrow.