Fantasy Football

I for one am always hesitant to draft rookies going into a fantasy season. Generally speaking, there is a significant learning curve for everyone coming into a new offense, and to a lesser extent a new defense. Sure there have been exceptions, most notably Adrian Peterson last season and before him Randy Moss, who coincidentally both came into the league with the Vikings. But for the most part, it has been considered something of an enigma to have a rookie putting up monster fantasy numbers, particularly in the first half of the season.

But we could fill up a bakers dozen of sufficiently worded posts about the number of rookies this year that would be considered assets. It’s astonishing, really; and speaks to the nature of this season’s unpredictability. Look, every season for the past five years has been fairly rattled by the hard salary cap and led to a lot of unexpected performances, playoff teams and everything else. But this season has been off the charts.

In terms of the season, a lot of that is due to the two stalwarts, the Colts and Patriots, getting off to slow starts and being decimated by injury and old age. That rendered the AFC wide open until Tennessee came through with a 40 year-old quarterback and has ran the first 11 weeks of the season undefeated. With their supposed future of the franchise riding the pine. This is not anything, anyone could have expected, despite the fact they made the playoffs. Not to mention that the Jags, along with the Browns, Chargers and Broncos have all failed to live up to the standard that everyone set for them for various reasons.

A lot of Tennessee’s success is due to, well, it is mostly defense. Guys like Haynesworth and Finnegan have lofted that D to an unsung level. But on the offensive side, no one could have expected Chris Johnson to be as effective as he’s been from week one. At this point, LenDale White is virtually obsolete, because whenever I watch Johnson run a goal line carry he always gets into the end zone. Always. At this point, White is basically a light burden on the payroll that alleviates some of the wear and tear that Johnson would otherwise endure.

Obligatory.

In the NFC, we have teams like Tampa, Carolina, Washington, Atlanta and Arizona all exceeding expectations. Atlanta and Arizona most notably. What do those two have in common? Rookies excelling in the backfield. Matt Ryan is actually on a lot of short lists for MVP consideration (though he’ll never win it) as he has led the Falcons to a 6-4 record after coming off a season mired by controversy. Actually, corruption would probably be a more fitting term. Controversy implies that someone was actually defending Mike Vick or Bobby Petrino.

Tim Hightower has done to Edgerrin James what Chris Johnson has done to LenDale White, except Whizenhunt isn’t giving James the benefit of getting the cheap touchdowns. He’s touched the ball maybe four times in the past three games, all on random third down plays when they were just playing for field position. Of all the rookies changing the landscape of the NFL, Hightower’s is the most surprising. For one, he really has a white person’s name. Secondly, he went to Richmond. Personally — though I doubt I’m alone in this — I had no idea the Spiders even fielded a football team. The Cardinals have been such a non-entity in the NFL for the past, well, sixty years or so; how does one not root for them as a franchise?

We could go on and on about all the rookies that are having a significant positive impact on their franchises and (depending on your perspective) and adverse impact on the fantasy season. So instead of dragging this thing out we’ll just list them (In addition to the three above):
Joe Flacco
Matt Forte
BenJarvus Green-Ellis
Peyton Hillis
Felix Jones
Darren McFadden
Jonathan Stewart
Kevin Smith (Though to be honest, no one is doing much to improve the state of affairs over at Lions camp)
DeSean Jackson
Steve Slaton
Fred Jackson
Eddie Royale
Dustin Keller

That’s fifteen if you include the three mentioned above, and we didn’t even mention Rashard Mendenhall, who would have well over 100 fantasy points if he were healthy. Nor did we mention Tyler Thigpen, who though technically a rookie was drafted in 2007. never the less, he has earned the starting position until the next time Kansas City takes another unsuitable quarterback high in the draft.

We’re not sure if this is a trend or just an aberration in an already screwy NFL season. Whatever it is, we are probably going to over-prioritize drafting rookies in 2009 as Michael Crabtree fails to average more than 30 yards a game because he has JaMarcus Russell throwing to him and Beanie Wells can’t break 50 yards a game because the Chiefs couldn’t block a nerf arrow. But it now has to be taken into consideration when drafting for your fantasy team. Just one more caveat for you to fuck up on.

Well, another Sunday has passed. And one less ungodly horrible week of fantasy football has gone with it. We consider this a good thing, since our fantasy team is about as intimidating as the Lions at this point. But hey, we have four players going in tonights game and our opponent has three, which has to be some sort of record for pivotal players in a Monday nighter.

There wasn’t too much out of the ordinary that happened in week eight. The Bengals have solidified themselves as the worst team in the league, being on the receiving end of a 35-6 drubbing from the Texans, who could actually make a minor run here after a tough 0-4 start. When all is said and done, Andre Johnson just might end up with the best fantasy season of any receiver out there. On the other end of the spectrum unless you have TJ Houshmenzadeh you might want to dump or attempt to trade any and all Bengals with the news that Carson Palmer is out for the season. We suspect he won’t be in Cincinnati much longer.

If you're a Texans fan, here is yet another reason to smile.

Philadelphia came out of the bye week with a convincing 27-14 win over the Falcons, who no one seems to have beaten convincingly yet. Westbrook, much like Johnson, could prove to end up being the best player at his respective position by season’s end. Two touchdowns and 187 yards can make up for a few missed games here and there.

Carolina and Arizona played in a smorgasboard of fantasy production as Fitzgerald, Breaston and Boldin all put up big games (Boldin had the biggest with two trips to the end zone), countering my assumption that if Boldin came back you should bench the Michigan upstart. On the other side of the ball, DeAngelo Williams and Steve Smith consolidated all the fantasy production for themselves, leaving my two players on the team (Jonathan Stewart & Muhsin Muhammad) in the lurch. We benched them, but they still might have had better games than at least a couple players we started.

Marques Colston continues to grate as a fantasy pick, as his team dropped 37 points on the suddenly lowly Chargers, and he only managed two catches for 56 yards. That is without Reggie Bush in the rotation, by the way. Can anyone justify starting him in week nine? In spite of my own advice, I started him over Donnie Avery and it cost me about twenty fantasy points, despite his team putting up a season high result on the scoreboard. We knew this would happen, but we are just having a difficult time cutting that cord.

And finally, in the game of the week, we saw what is likely a Superbowl preview in the Giants-Steelers game. The game was a hard fought, hard hitting grind that took well over three and a half hours to play (damn near two hours for the first half), and if you had any fantasy players that weren’t Kevin Boss, Nate Washington or Mewelde Moore in your starting roster, then you have our condolences. Even Brandon Jacobs manage to lay an egg in this one. Given his size, that is not something you would expect as the trend tends to be, the bigger the running back the more likely he is to be consistent.

But that has been the running theme of this fantasy and NFL season. Expect the unexpected. Even eight weeks in we still are lacking have a solid grasp on which teams will actually contend for the Superbowl from the NFC (Still everyone in the East, Tampa, Carolina, New Orleans and potentially Green Bay or Chicago). The AFC is a little clearer but you can only speak with so much certainty about any of these scenarios. Right now it looks like Tennessee or Pittsburgh would be the two favored candidates. But it really isn’t going to surprise me if Indy, Baltimore or even Cleveland or Buffalo catches fire and makes a run at it.

The fantasy season is even more unpredictable, as there is no accounting for Lance Moore to regularly trump Marques Colston in production, or for Leonard Weaver to have two touchdowns against the Niners. Do you even know who Leonard Weaver plays for? For the uninitiated, it’s Seattle. If you knew who he is, do you know where he went to college? Neither did I, but I looked it up and it is some place called Carson Newman, which sounds like something he could have founded himself to play college football.

Whatever Carson Newman is, it is working out for him. We watched Invincible for the first time over the weekend, and while it was a standard rags to riches, obscurity to stardom studio sports film, it was one of the better ones. This seemed rather apropos of what we are seeing this season. Players are faster, stronger and more competitive than ever before, especially dating back to the Vince Papale era. But with the way the ball is spread around and the lack of concern players seem to have with the amount of touches they see in any given week (everyone except Terrell Owens, at least), Vince Papale could be a pretty common tale if NFL teams were to hold open tryouts.

Back later with what we learned from all of this.

That’s what you get, Linehan! That’s what you fuckin’ get! This is what happens when you fuck Marc Bulger in the ass! You think you come into this organization, and usurp me out of my rightful place as the starting quarterback for the worst team in the league? I’ve held it through the best of times, and no fucking schmuck whose barely older than me is going to take that away during the worst of times. You want my job to hand out to any injury prone asshole off the street, then you better get John L. Smith’s old ass in here to take it from me.

Jim Haslett knows the deal, and he respects the stripes. He knows how lucky he is to be coaching a team that was in the playoffs just four short seasons ago. You think everyone can say that? No, there are only roughly thirty other quarterbacks who can say that. And you think one of them is Trent Green? Pssh, I know he went in 2003, but that sure as shit isn’t 2004 and that clearly makes me the better option.

You see Linehan, one day, when you are playing with your kids, jobless in your backyard, it will dawn on you that no matter how undeserved and how poorly I may play, a quarterback who has even a modicum of success will always be a valued asset in the NFL. You will hear the pundits and the scouts cling desperately to a single season of good numbers and a run at the playoffs as evidence that I am worth the risk and I “still have something in the tank”.

Look at Jeff George, and he never really had all that much success, all he ever had was a “strong arm”. Whatever the fuck that means. You know who else has a strong arm? That chick from American Gladiators, she has a better chance of getting a contract from the Raiders than you ever have of getting another head coaching job in this league. Just be sure to learn this from your whole ordeal, Linehan: What Marc Bulger wants, Marc Bulger gets. I am the king of St. Louis. After Nelly…and Tony LaRussa…and Albert Pujols…and Jenna Fischer…and probably Torry Holt and Orlando Pace and whoever is on the Blues. But right after all of them, it’s me. And the crown fits juuuuust right.

Anyhow, best of luck in all your future endeavors Scott. When I’m racking up 180 yard passing games on 20-35 attempts for one touchdown and only two interceptions, you’ll know you made a mistake. And you will know my name is the lord, when I lay my vengeance upon thee!

We are devoting more time to the television site this week since there was so much to catch up on. We’ll try to churn out a couple posts here today but it is looking unlikely. Here is what to expect from the NFL and fantasy during the first bye week of the season.

-Expect fewer games. And if you were an incompetent schmuck like myself, then you drafted two quarterbacks with the same bye week, meaning you had to drop an actual asset to acquire Brian Griese.

-Expect Roger Goodell to consider retiring upon watching the shitfest that will be the Browns-Bengals game. And if Brady Quinn plays, expect him to look respectable against one of the three worst defenses in the league (Detroit and St. Louis are probably worse) and for him to be acquired in about 90% of the fantasy leagues on Yahoo. Fantasy football players are so reactionary.

In Ohio, there is always an ongoing debate as to whose quarterback is more overrated.

-Expect Jay Cutler and Philip Rivers (your top two fantasy quarterbacks thus far) to combine for over 800 yards against Kansas City and Oakland.

-Expect the Houston-Jacksonville game to be an utter disappointment, much like both of their seasons.

-Expect St. Louis to make Trent Edwards look like John Elway, followed by Bills fans proclaiming their inevitable Superbowl victory.

-Expect New Orleans to lose to San Fransisco and for Frank Gore to continue his rebound season in superb form. Usually going into the draft, every running back that looks like a guarantee bust turns out to be just that. Willie Parker and Frank Gore are denying me this self-satisfaction and there will be hell to pay. Like scathing remarks on a website that no one reads. Yeah, take that not so overrated running backs.

-Expect Donovan McNabb to finally have his leg ripped from his body if Brian Westbrook doesn’t play.

-And finally, expect Joe Flacco to finally be brought back down to earth on Monday night against Pittsburgh. And by “back down to earth” I mean decapitated.

We almost feel obligated to post again this was so flaccid. Probably won’t be until much later though.

Still in Arizona, still not posting on a daily basis. We haven’t even thought about week 3 yet but looking at the match ups, here is what to expect to see. We’ll be back Tuesday night to continue our regular gig that we are so gloriously neglecting at the moment.

-After Carson Palmer is sacked for the tenth time in twenty minutes by the Giants, expect Carson Palmer to take a swing at Chad Johnson, head butt Marvin Lewis, curse football fans in Ohio and be escorted off the premises in a straight jacket.

-Expect Braylon Edwards to drop another three receptions in the first quarter and for the announcers to act like it is some sort of anomaly, despite the fact he did the same things in weeks 1 and 2. Also, expect the Browns to finally get a W.

-Expect Philly’s defense to rack up roughly 17 interceptions against the Steelers, but still manage to give up 250 yards on the ground and lose.

-If you plan on watching the Chiefs-Falcons game, expect to fall asleep halfway through the second quarter, only to wake up and realize that Larry Johnson was still a bad draft pick.

-Expect The Chargers to have a cardboard cutout of Ed Hochuli in their locker room like the Indians did in Major League with their wynch of an owner. Only instead of removing articles of his clothing they pretend to teabag it after every win (we’d also like to add that the obsession and insanity over all of this is so incredibly simple and pathetic, there are so many things wrong with this result that go beyond one bad call. What’s really ironic is the same people who thing Ed Hochuli should die and burn in hell are the same people who probably complain about games being too long, thus the reason for why they couldn’t review the play. Relax Chargers fans, things seem grim now but you’re still a lock for at least a wild card).

-Expect another fantasy extravaganza in the Dallas-Green Bay game similar to Dallas’ Monday night win against Philadelphia.

-Expect Steve Smith to eat into Muhsin Muhammad’s production. And for both of them to look shaky upon Smith’s return to the lineup.

-Expect Tony Kornheiser to shit himself on air with the “return” of Brett Favre to Monday night, despite the fact that all Favre did was not play during the off-season.

-And finally, expect St. Louis to stake their claim as the unparalleled worst team in the NFL.

It’s weak, but we’ll try to make up for it on Tuesday night with something a little more elaborate.

I say this as an Eagles fan, but the title of this post is pretty much par for the course.

Since this is technically a fantasy football site, I probably should have mentioned that the NFL was kicking off last night at some point during the day, instead of going off on a diatribe about the potential greatness for fantasy football in the college ranks. But, whatever. All of you already knew that, and anything I might have to say about it is pretty null and void. Needless to say, in any pay league we are in, we do not have any Giants or Redskins.

In fact, there is only one we even considered drafting (Burress), and someone over drafted him in the second and third fucking round. We consider it a testament to our fantasy football acumen that we never even considered taking any Redskins. It’s basically subtraction by addition.

But The Giants showed some promise. You can’t really tell if it’s a decent team looking like a sound playoff contender, or if we have a potentially overrated team at home pounding on one of the five worst teams in the league this season. Either way, I hope for Giants fans that their season looks more like the first half than the second. Wait, what? I fucking hate both these teams, so I don’t really hope anything for either of them.

But, since we must, here are our first impressions of everyone we saw last night.

Plaxico Burress: By far the standout fantasy performer of the night and instilled the most confidence. This title would be awarded to Brandon Jacobs if it weren’t for Derrick Ward piddling away at least 30% of the carries. 10 catches for 133 yards; no touchdowns, but that will change rather abruptly. Burress just recently signed a new contract, and since this isn’t the NBA and they’re not guaranteed, every player busts his ass to get all that money he is potentially contracted for. You have to love the NFL and all of its hypocrisy’s, they really cater to me, the viewer, who has nothing on the line.

Wow. We're a long way from single-handily devastating the Ohio State Buckeyes during the best season they had under Jon Cooper. Dick.

Brandon Jacobs: This guy ran like a champ and we knew he would, but with Ward eating up a third of the carries it’s difficult to have as brimming of an outlook for him as we do for Burress.

Eli Manning: In one word: Shaky. How many times were his passes batted off an DB’s hands? Or how many dropped interceptions did we see? Or he threw into double coverage? It is good he has confidence in Burress, but from a fantasy perspective that is mainly good for Burress. This was only a first game and their is plenty of time to hit stride, but this is basically the same Eli Manning we’ve seen for the past four seasons: Reckless, inconsistent and occasionally astounding.

Onto the Redskins supposed impact players, the news is a little more grim:

Jason Campbell: He looks like he is welcoming to a quarterback controversy. I’m putting it at about week four before we start hearing campaigning for Colt Brennan.

Clinton Portis: Did he even play? I mean, he did have twenty-three carries, but only averaged 3.7 yards for each of them (do the math if you want a total, idiot). Looks like another Woody Hayes year for the incredibly overpaid Clinton Portis, the last active remembrance of the fame and fortune running in the zone blocking scheme so heavily replicated by the Denver Broncos can bring you. Not only are teams finally smart enough to not overpay running backs (well, everyone except for the Redskins, as it stands), the Broncos don’t even give their H-backs the opportunity to demonstrate their potentially inflated wealth.

Allow me to go off on a tangent here: Selvin Young, the current starting running back for Denver, probably ranks somewhere in between the fortieth and fiftieth best running back to ever come out of Texas. Jamaal Charles, his teammate while he was there, regularly outclassed him on the field. And Charles is currently third string for the Chiefs. My point being, while running backs are often expendable and the easiest player on the field to replace, at some point you are doing yourself a disservice by going out of your way to not have a playmaker lining up behind quarterback.

Anyhow, back to the post.

Antwan Randle-El/Santana Moss: They are virtually the same, undersized, under-performing wide receiver. It’s not really their fault though, particularly in the case of Moss, who hasn’t really had a competent quarterback throwing to him. Except for in New York with Pennington, in which case he under-performed. With the aberration of a season that was 2005 (and arguably 2003), Moss hasn’t really lived up to the hype either.

Last night they both looked like they were running good routes and doing everything they could to make Campbell look good, but that is a daunting task. They kept it respectable as they caught 12 of Campbell’s 15 completions and Moss had their only TD of the game, but it might be a long season for them and everyone else associated with this organization.

We weren’t watching the game all that closely, but I’m sure Washington’s offensive line was key to their struggles, so we don’t want to pile on to the skill players without at least mentioning that it might not be entirely their fault. A dismal game from a neutral, non-fantasy standpoint, but it is football and beats the hell out of watching whoever the hell was speaking before McCain.

Back later with some notable injuries.

They’re already saying I’m a bust. They think it’s over for ol’ Smithy, but I’ll show ‘em.

Takes swig of whiskey off bottle

If O’Sullivan thinks we can swoop in with his mic charm and take a job that is rightfully mine he has another thing coming. Fucking pussified hippy. He couldn’t even make the practice squad at Utah. Finally, we finally get a competent offensive coordinator in Mike Martz after three years of beshitted idiots strolling through the door, and they find another starter. I have potential, God damn it. No one is going to draft J.T. O’Mcdicksuck in the tenth round of their fantasy drafts hoping for a dark horse. Oh, and what do they blame my downfall on? My hands. My fuckin’ hands, man. Look at ‘em.

Exquisite. And might I remind you they weren’t too small in college. Nope, not a fucking liability then. You think someone with little hands is carrying Utah to 13-0? Utah? Give me a fuckin’ break.

small bottle of Jack slips to the ground for no particular reason

Damn it. Not fucking again. How many times this month is that? Who the fuck am I kidding? I can’t even get drunk unless I’m sucking on a beer bong. I might as well hang it up….Hold on a second.

Notices sippy cup sitting on counter. Opens new bottle of whiskey and begins to pour it into said cup.

Get your head out of your ass, Alex. This isn’t the time for wallowing in self-pity, this is time for rejuvenation. If there is a way to get drunk with impossibly undersized appendages, then by God, there is a way to compete on the football field just the same.

cup slips out of hand for no particular reason

NOOOOOOO!!!!

That is it for ol’ Smithy. Close the curtain, cut the lights, this show is over. I can’t even drink my precious sweet Jack out of a sippy cup without dropping it like I’m staring at a dinosaur. But wait!

Pro Bowl 2009, here I come!

What did I tell you, huh? What did I tell you? Did I not tell you that I would be back? No bruised thigh is going to keep me, Trent Edwards, out of the lineup, assuring a single starter at quarterback for the Bills and giving hope to your fantasy season after you waited until the twelfth round to draft a quarterback.

You think I’m going to let that Tulane putz reclaim the starting position by default? Fuck that. This Lossman guy couldn’t even hold a candle to Shaun fucking King, and he was a backup to Trent Dilfer. At least you knew what you would get out of King: a great clipboard holder. Me? Well, I’m an enigma. And expect it to stay that way.

You think Lossman should get the nod because we traded up to draft him in the first round? That by virtue of being a first round pick, I should take a backseat and recognize his fatter paycheck? Not going to happen. Me and Mr. Lossman will be unwavering all year in our inconsistency. You don’t even know which of us will start, let alone how we’ll play.

If you want what you qualify as a sure thing, then over draft a Chad Johnson-less Carson Palmer in the first five rounds of your draft, see how that works for you. But don’t fucking pretend like you can resist the allure of me in the 16th. Yeah, yeah, I know you want some finality in the status of your fantasy players, but it just isn’t going to happen. Not in this city. Not with me, not with Lossman, Not with Lee Evans, Not with ANYBODY! You will be begging for the days of an 2004 Drew Bledsoe when I’m through with you, Buffalo.

So go ahead, draft me, you know you want to. Just think about all the synergy we have in the backfield now that Marshawn Lynch has a year under his belt. It will make all the difference, you’ll see. Then once you have me, you’ll immediately regret not taking Vince Young in the 11th. The false hope you have in him is much greater than you have in me.