Fantasy Football

So now that the Super Bowl and we stare down a dreadful eight months before the next regular season NFL game, we can finally get to the business of dismantling the two teams who reached the promise land. Historically, the Cardinals and the Steelers have been notoriously…thrifty, shall we say.

Well, that’s not entirely fair and I didn’t mean to relate the Steelers history in any way to that of the Cardinals. We’ll say this, the Cardinals have been cheap (though they opened up the wallet recently) and the Steelers have been savvy and efficient.

Pittsburgh has always prioritized the team when it came to bringing in new players, but rarely over-extend themselves financially so as to keep the team young. The first examples of this I can recall are with Kevin Greene and Rod Woodson, who were integral to their Super Bowl run in 1995 but were cut shortly thereafter. It might seem crass and heartless, but the Steelers have been run like a well-oiled machine because they treat their franchise like they should: a business. They’ve only had three coaches in about forty years and for good reason, They’re patient and they hire the right people. Basically, they were the Patriots before the Patriots. They aren’t going to make any errant moves before next season.

Arizona/Phoenix, on the other hand, has rarely been willing to extend a contract acquire a new free agent or take a risk with a high profile trade, mainly because the Bidwell’s have never wanted to spend any money that would put them in the black. They’ve typically drafted with the intention of drawing fans to the stadium but rarely ever to improve the team.

So now, as both teams come out of the jubilation/funk of Super Bowl 43, it’s time to start assessing how they will approach the 2009 season. And right now, the highest touted commodity that appears to be in limbo is Anquan Boldin. And the two teams vying for his wide receiving capabilities appear to be the Eagles and Giants.

Now let me just provide a couple caveats for what I am about to say. 1) This is all speculation, nothing is founded. It wouldn’t be a proper blog if the status of Boldin with the Cardinals wasn’t just some blurb I heard from John Clayton on Mike and Mike yesterday morning and saw in these two posts. And 2) I am well aware that I’ve been harping on the parity of the NFL for the past four months, so I know full well that predicting a Super Bowl team three days after the season ends is generally a losing proposition.

With that said, if the Giants or Eagles do end up with Anquan Boldin, that is going to be Super Bowl team from the NFC in 2010.

Now usually I would expect the Giants to wrap him up and the Eagles to hope to skate by with DeSean Jackson and Kevin Curtis. Actually, the Eagles have better receivers than the Giants now, so they could actually use him more and might be willing to overpay him. But the Eagles have two first round draft picks after trading the rights to Jeff Otah to the Panthers during the 2008 draft. So if the Cardinals are looking to build on 2008’s post-season success and feel like they’re sufficient with Breaston & Fitzgerald, they might try to barter for one or both of those picks.

The Eagles would probably go for the former and not the latter, and while I think they have better receivers than the Giants they are still a long way from an elite receiving corps. Sure, Jackson and Curtis are both playmakers to varying degrees, but I don’t think either one of them is over 6′1. A physical presence like Boldin is just what they need to open up the deep passes for DeSean Jackson, because you can’t exactly be throwing jump balls to someone whose basically the Darren Sproles of wide receivers. I’m not even going to bother making the obvious comparisons to Terrell Owens and that they went to the Super Bowl the one year they had him.

The Giants are just in a world of hurt at receiver and are probably willing to max out a contract for him, but what do they have/are they willing to offer the Cardinals for rights to him? I mean, they could mortgage their defense but that seems unwise since it’s been their catalyst for the past two seasons. They could offer up some running backs as they run three deep at the position (Jacobs/Ward/Bradshaw), but does Arizona really need or want another utility running back to split carries with Hightower and Aarington (I’m assuming James is leaving and that the Giants are not giving up Brandon Jacobs)? Do they really think Derrick Ward is that much better than someone they can pick up in the third round of the 2009 draft? (Note: they did sign Edge to that ridiculous contract so they might, hopefully they’ve been Hightower-ed into thinking straight about the running position) The Giants are not trading Manning or any offensive lineman. That leaves two options: draft picks and future draft picks.

This upcoming draft the Giants do not have much to offer in the way of trade bait. A low first round pick than pretty much the same thing everyone else has, so if they want Boldin and the Arizona plays its cards properly, they might be able to get some 2010 picks out of the situation. Neither has been substantiated so we’re not optimistic this will happen.

But we are confident in the prospects of 2009 for either team should they land a top five receiver in the game (After Moss, Fitzgerald & Andre Johnson). Sure this isn’t full proof, both teams would have to stay healthy (Which has been a tall order for the Eagles for every season since 2002), not to mention Steve Spagnuolo is leaving New York for the higher profile pastures of head coaching in St. Louis. There is also reason to suspect that Boldin might not work out for either franchise. Namely, he doesn’t seem comfortable in cold weather (remember that Eagles game on Thanksgiving? He made Braylon Edwards look like Jerry Rice with all of his dropped passes).

But the Giants should still retain their core defensive unit and are not going to completely abandon a system that has been so immensely successful because they lost a coordinator. And while Boldin might now struggle in colder climates, he will also have a chance to adjust to it (something that isn’t likely to happen with someone who grew up and played college ball in Florida and now plays in a fucking desert with housing) and can still contribute until October and in certain road games.

All I know is that I desperately want to see jim in an Eagles jersey. The fantasy/real impact he would have on everyone if he went to Philly (receivers, running backs and quarterback alike) would be almost invaluable. Though I will admit, it’s difficult to bank so much on the health of such an injury prone back field, but I think Boldin has the talent to make even Kevin Kolb look respectable.

So in honor of the Oscar nominations being announced today, we’re going to doll out some more awards from the NFL/fantasy season. Unlike yesterday, these will be primarily for playoff performances. So, without further ado, your contrived award winners from the 2008 NFL post-season.

The Benjamin Button award for “most likely having reversed the aging process”
We have no evidence of Kurt Warner being on steroids and no one has even suggested it until me just now, but this isn’t supposed to ever happen. I guess Randall Cunningham with the ‘98 Vikings set a precedent for something like this (except Warner’s regular season wasn’t nearly as impressive but he’s making the Super Bowl. Garrry Annnnderrrssssonnnnnnn!), but that was kind of an anomaly. Just Cunningham whipping the ball down field to the greatest jump ball receiver in the history of the league, which opened up the running and short-yardage passing game. Warner is out there hitting targets playing in an offense by a coach who came up with the Steelers. So congrats, Kurt Warner. You’re now a lock to make the hall of fame and you didn’t play a down in the NFL until you were twenty-eight years old. Which means my dream of playing QB 1 for an NFL franchise is still alive and well.

(Speaking of Benjamin Button, I enjoyed the film and everything, as for it having the most Oscar nominations however…I’m inclined to disagree with how this developed. It’s basically Forrest Gump as seen by David Fincher and penned by the same writer. Don’t believe me? Watch this damning video evidence.)

The Reader Award for “Most Inappropriate Relationship”
To The Philadelphia Eagles for playing the Kate Winslet role, because after you just lose the NFC title game in rather heartbreaking fashion, it’s probably better to demonstrate a little more concern and not celebrate with the opposing team like you won the Super Bowl. Especially when you reside and play on a professional sports team in a city like Philadelphia. I can understand, no one can be entirely disgruntled with the fucking Arizona Cardinals going to the Super Bowl, but considering you just lost your fourth NFC title game in eight years, the fans probably would have liked to see that it had at least a tinge of an adverse effect on you. Just wait until you get off the field to remember that you are given millions of dollars to run around on a field and chase a leather ball. For the sake of everyone, put on the facade and look a little crestfallen.

The Sean Penn Award for “Always being in contention regardless of the circumstances”
To the Pittsburgh Steelers, who whether you like them or not, are always going to be in playoff contention so long as they have a moderately competent QB. With Roethlisberger only being 26, expect them to win the AFC North or make the wild card for probably the next seven or eight years. Sure, they’re in a smaller market and players like Jerome Harrison just about always end up leaving. But just like Penn, while you may not like him on a personal level, he can carry a film and render so much of it expendable. The Steelers front office can do just about the same thing.

The Mickey Rourke award for “Most probable comeback that everyone is claiming to have been improbable”
To the Miami Dolphins, who after acquiring Bill Parcells as GM, it should have been plain as day that they were going to turn it around, and even more so after they got a serviceable quarterback. The parity is such in the NFL these days that once you get proper figureheads in place the rest of the pieces fall like dominoes. Parcells is often regarded as the greatest head coach ever, once you have him officially making your personnel decisions, combined with a weak schedule and no one taking you seriously for the first half of the season, an 11-5 record isn’t all that improbable.

(I haven’t yet seen The Wrestler (actually going at lunch today), but if you look at Rourke’s recent career before heading all the critical buzz, he had already done Sin City, Domino and Once Upon A Time In Mexico in the past five years. That really isn’t that bad. Given, none of them are considered tour de force acting performances like these are, but he wasn’t exactly destitute. He just wasn’t accepting Golden Globes and thanking his dog for his roles in those films).

The Bruce Springsteen Award for “Biggest Snub without any attempted explanation”
This, obviously, goes to the New England Patriots. Who buried, and I mean laid a beating on the now NFC Champion Arizona Cardinals unlike any I have seen since…well, the New England Patriots first half of the 2007 season. I know the Chargers beat the Colts in the wild card round and that’s the justification defenders of the current system will use. But when I look at the records, I see one team was 11-5 and the other was 8-8. It seems like the record speaks for itself. And much like Springsteen winning the Golden Globe for best song, the Patriots being so successful this decade makes their absence from the playoffs all the more glaring.

The Slumdog Millionaire award for “Most Overrated Contender of the year”
To Chad Pennington. Although he carried a 1-15 team in 2007 to the playoffs in 2008, by no means did he deserve to be the runner up from the MVP. I’m probably one of 12 people outside the state of Florida who’ll remember this in two weeks, but nothing he did merited that kind of recognition. Nothing. That team went 1-15 last season because of injuries (to the quarterback and starting tailback) and unloading offensive weapons for draft picks (Chris Chambers). It was a young team built for the future that got lucky with a slightly above average veteran quarterback who won’t turn the ball over in crucial situations. At least, until he got to the playoffs.

Also, if you haven’t seen Slumdog yet, it isn’t a terrible film and I’m not recommending you avoid it. But it’s just kind of fluff in a different country with very little answered about the characters and their motivations, not to mention numerous plot holes. So while it is entertaining and “inspirational” in a sense, I wouldn’t have it nominated for Best Picture, much less winning like it did at the Golden Globes.

Anyhow, that’s it for today, we might come back with some more of these tomorrow if not any Super Bowl commentary.

And we’re back as promised. I have no idea why other than to serve our OCD. But the NFL has spent so much time and effort on this Playoff fantasy Challenge that I think it’s starting to take its toll on us. We’re now doing the devil’s bidding. Helping the corporate machine indoctrinate the masses. Or at least we would be if anyone ever read this site. I wish I could tell you they were paying me. But no, this is painfully being done of my own volition.

But anyhow, the concept is quite simple. The game allots you 300 units to use on whichever players you see fit. Their values fluctuate based on their performance during the season. Once the playoffs start, you are locked in to those eight players for wild card week. After that, you have eight moves to use at your discretion. The one entry amongst the hundreds of thousands that are sure to participate wins a trip to the Superbowl in sorta sunny, sorta enviable Tampa Bay.

The premise is simple in theory but difficult in practice. Obviously you want to take players representing teams that you believe have the potential to advance far in the playoffs, but you do not want to put all your chips in one basket (if that team loses, you’re stuck unloading a good portion of your moves in one week), nor do you want to take just any player off a team that you think will reach the Superbowl, but doesn’t score a lot of points (after all, you have eight transactions at your disposal). It’s something of a balancing act, really.

If you’re at all interested, this is how my roster currently looks:

Matt Ryan: He came relatively cheap at 49 units. I wanted Peyton Manning, but the disparity between what Manning can do to the Chargers and what Ryan can do to the Cardinals isn’t as great as what I expect to see out of some of my other players relative to what their peers offer.

Adrian Peterson: At 50 units he’s fairly affordable as he’s probably the most consistent player in the NFL. I fully expect them to lose, but I just can’t envision a scenario in which he doesn’t explode in his playoff debut, especially since it’s at home. To me, the potential value he offers is worth the likelihood that it will be a one shot deal. I also have my suspicions about Philly, but we’ll get to that tomorrow.

Michael Turner: In short, he’s playing in a dome against a team that hasn’t been able to stop anyone for awhile, especially anyone out of division. Reportedly the Cardinals still have 8,000 tickets available for this game, so I really wouldn’t expect the crowd to be a factor. Not that the crowd has ever been a factor with the Arizona Cardinals.

Vincent Jackson: This is somewhat of a gamble, but he’s playing a team that the Chargers tend to fare well against (at least offensively), he’s at home, and he is a game-breaker. Basically, if San Diego is going to win this game, they’re going to need Jackson and Chambers to deliver in what will all likelihood be a shootout.

Reggie Wayne: He didn’t play too much in Indy’s annual week 17 exhibition. I fully expect him to have used the week off to prepare for a match up against what’s probably the second worst defense in the playoffs. Also, he needs to save some face from a rather disappointing season. Obviously, if you get word that he isn’t playing, go with someone else. But much like with Vincent Jackson, if the Colts are going to win this game, they’re going to need their wide receivers to produce.

Dallas Clark: Simply put, he’s been on a tear lately. And when Indy throws short yardage touchdowns (inside the five), it inevitably is thrown to Clark in a 4 wide diversion set (I just made that phrase up). Also, see Wayne and Jackson.

Neil Rackers: He’s playing at home, made 21 of his last 22 (the one he missed was a 68-yard free kick to end a half against the Giants). Not to mention, I had Vinateri and dropped him in favor of Rackers because I didn’t want three people from the same squad.

Philadelphia’s Defense: Well, they’re playing Tavaris Jackson. In other words, I am hoping for some interceptions and forced fumbles a la the week 17 Cowboys game. I understand it’s somewhat counter-intuitive to take Philly’s defense while the best player I selected is on the opposite side of the ball, but I am hoping Tavaris Jackson will make it all work out for me.

This is all subject to change, so I wouldn’t put too much stock into it (like, for instance, I just noticed that passing touchdowns are worth the same as receiving and rushing touchdowns. Peyton Manning here I come!). But it’s as enjoyable as any other type of low stakes gambling I’ve ever participated in. So even though I am really doing this strictly for the purposes of this here website, I’m not actively regretting it.

Back tomorrow with wild card previews.

I’m pretty sure that being disinterested in tonight’s Thursday night matchup is a direct result of the scorn and disdain I have for ESPN’s NFL coverage. After watching yet another ego-stroke for the league that goes by the name of “NFL Live”, I’ve come to the conclusion it has everything that they love: A media invented rivalry (this is obvious since they pretty much are the sports media) in Mangini and Belichick, Brett Favre, northeast franchises, and a whole slew of players that we’ve all never heard of or know nothing about because 99% of NFL players are treated like amply compensated automatons, devoid of anything interesting to say.

Maybe that’s for a reason, I have no idea. Either way we resent this match-up as it is portrayed as “can’t miss television”, especially when we have no access to it outside of patronizing a bar, something we can’t stand doing on weekdays (our tolerance is diminishing for it on the weekends as well). So we’d just like to offer a resounding fuck off to the NFL, their network, ESPN, Peter King and every other schmuck-face meathead who paints his face, spends money he doesn’t have and loses his grip on reality all in the name of humoring the machine.

Also, it probably doesn’t help that we do not have any fantasy players in tonight’s contest.

But can’t it just be one game out of many throughout the course of the season? Why is everything in the NFL so uber-serious? I can’t think of a single mainstream pundit so much as cracking a smile or giving any indication they enjoy how mindless and entertaining their jobs are. Every time I watch an NFL pregame show all I can think is that everyone just needs to settle down. I’ve never taken anything as seriously in my life as Peter King takes Jets fans level of appreciation for Brett Favre. I understand that giving informed analysis is the general job description, but there has to be a happy medium. Right now you would assume these stage sets were in the hills of Afghanistan with the temerity that they are approached with.

The irony of all the redundant and hyper-critical non-thought that goes into these shows is, the NFL is virtually impossible to figure out. Case in point, Dennis Miller used to have a sports talk show on Versus (don’t worry if you don’t know what that is, unless you enjoy cycling or hockey then you needn’t be concerned with it), and he would interview a Vegas oddsmaker to pick and profile the games from week to week. That expert happened to be Brandan Lang ex college quarterback and inspiration for champion of the squandered potential movie premise, Two For The Money.

Every week he got fucking slaughtered and would have to come back the following week and offer up some weak-willed explanation while Miller would gently but relentlessly mock him. It was embarrassing.

Point being I can’t think of anything more pointless to argue about and dissect than NFL football. It’s an irrational, unpredictable sporting event with enough parity to keep us all guessing. So reign it in a bit guys, a good majority of us are either watching casually or only for the sake of our fantasy teams. We don’t need all the inside jokes and tangents and occasionally heated and laborious arguments that someone at some point inexplicably deemed interesting discourse.

After this week every team will be officially halfway done with their season. And if you are under the impression that it hasn’t flown by, then you clearly do not watch enough NFL commentary, and good for you. There probably isn’t a thing on this planet that a faction of people take too seriously like NFL pundits’ regard for professional football. You would think they were debating the merits of the two party political system with the vitriol, frankness and doomsday seriousness with which they discuss the Rams defense. It’s the Rams defense, gentlemen. It has never been better than serviceable. You are allowed to treat it like the joke its perennially been.

Never the less, should the topic be broached it is turns into heated debates that obviously last through commercial breaks and guys leaning across the desk and using dramatic hand gestures to emphasize a point. Basically, everything that everyone attempts to convey turns into a stump speech. And to be perfectly honest, this would all be well and good but a healthy amount of them are idiots. Either ex-jocks who got the position solely because they are ex-jocks, or self-important analysts who more so than anything look like they are still pining to sit at the cool kids table. In more ways than one, it’s embarrassing.

With that said, we still love watching the games, particularly this season. Maybe because we have a viable future bet, our team is turning out a Bad News Bears like performance, with everything from the slow start to the rebound; or the team we root for is a Superbowl contender if they stay healthy (Eagles), but for whatever reason we are taking more to the NFL this year than to college. That is something we never thought we’d say. We might start going to church regularly just to avoid the Sunday morning regurgitated talking points.

Onto the guesses…

1) Kurt Warner
He’s playing San Fran, who is just a mess at the moment to the point where the coach is the least reliable person on the payroll, and the rest of the offense isn’t that far behind. Additionally, this is the best Warner has looked since he went to the Superbowl with the Rams, and he has three great receivers to choose from that dwarf the trio he had in St. Louis at the time.

2) Kellen Winslow
You heard it hear first (as far as I know), but Winslow will have a monster game coming off his bullshit, unwarranted suspension. For starters, they are playing Denver, who sports one of the three worst defenses in the league (the other two being Cincinnati and Detroit, to give you an idea of how good their offense is). Secondly, Winslow strikes me as the type who performs well to spite his employers. Sort of a “You see what happens when you fuck Kellen Winslow in the ass?! We could have beaten Jacksonville by 40 if you didn’t suspend me!” approach to these circumstances. The anti-Randy Moss, if you will.

3) DeSean Jackson
He’s kind of tinkered off a bit since the beginning of the season, but going up against Seattle who’s banged up on both sides of the ball with a healthy Brian Westbrook…we fear for the Seahawk faithful. The only thing going against him is it’s on the road in probably the most deafening stadium in the league, and we’re concerned about what Seattle sports fans might be capable of should the Seahawks be ran out of their own building. Between that and the start of the NBA season (and Philly recently winning the world series), things could get out of hand real quickly. Pay that no mind, though. DeSean’s life won’t be in jeopardy until after the game.

4) Matt Forte
He’s playing the Lions. Start him in front of Adrian Peterson if it’s an option. At this point we’d start Rick Moranis if he were playing the Lions.

5) Joey Galloway
His second game back since being on IR for the six weeks prior to it. Last week they played the Cowboys, and yes, he looked rusty and underperformed against one of the worst secondaries this side of the Broncos without Champ Bailey. But he is approaching 40 years old, I remember him playing in the kickoff classic for Ohio State. This week, he gets the Chiefs, a fantasy owners wet dream opponent. Expect Galloway to catch at least one touchdown.

Might be it for today, we’ll see how work goes.

I do not mean to brag, but typically I do not find myself in this position. What position is that? Hoping NFL players have their season and potentially career ruined by non-life threatening injury so I have a glimmer of hope to claw back into the rat race that is my fantasy league. For the past three years I have sat comfortably in one of the top two positions hoping to fend everyone off and hold steady in one of the two money spots. This year I am looking at my roster, looking at my opponents roster, and concluding that the only plausible way I can sneak out a win is if one my opponent’s players beats his wife or something and is denied bail. It’s like rooting for further economic decay so you’re bank account looks bigger by comparison: Feeble, petty, and might actually affect you adversely at some point but not in the short term, so why not aspire to see the extremely limited improved status?

This is the desperation of a bottom feeding fantasy football participant, something I haven’t felt since my inaugural year in 2004. It is a miserable feeling given the powerlessness of it, especially when the limited hope you have for your fantasy team actually dwarfs that which you have for your actual team (Eagles). Under normal circumstances, the NFL season would be over for me and I would be writing this blog as a formality instead of a hobby.

But, as we’ve mentioned a number of times, the parity that exists in the NFL has infiltrated our fantasy teams and leagues. And that alone has kept my season alive. Right now I am 2-4, and there are three teams at the top of the standings that sit at 4-2. In short, I am only two games out of the lead with a roster that is starting to come together. Colston should be back this week, Edwards and Manning seem to have turned the corner after their week’s against the Giants & Ravens, and I have a bevy of second string guys who have been getting ample playing time due to injury (Correll Buckhalter & Dominick Rhodes, most notably).

This week, however, I am facing the kid who has unequivocally the best team in our league (and he fucking autopicked!). Currently he is sporting Clinton Portis, Frank Gore, Jay Cutler. Chris Cooley, Greg Jennings, Steve Smith & Bernard Berrian in his starting roster, and despite my two game winning streak (which isn’t even technically a streak), I pretty much need Steve Smith or Clinton Portis to spontaneously come up with one of their classic nagging injuries to sneak out of this week with a win. That is too many potential 20+ point performances on one roster for me to have Muhsin Muhammad in my starting roster and expect to win.

Never the less, with the ball being spread around as much as it currently is on seemingly every team, I just need a diamond in the ruff this week to come through with a victory. The Redskins are playing the Browns, but they played the Rams last week and everyone laid an egg. Who’s to say the same thing won’t happen this week? This is the new face of fantasy football, and I am now at the point where I won’t be happy until I can form a league that is so focused on absolute equality that every team finishes 7-7, and the standings and teams eliminated from the playoffs is determined by total points.

This is my new goal. Because the very notion that my fantasy team is still alive after failing to break 80 points in three of the first four weeks (when the average 114.59) is so absurd it means that this goal is actually tangible.

Back later with something.

My God this is a long week. There is virtually no news outside of random Cowboys melodrama that permeates every aspect of the news every fucking day of the week. That is of course sans the standard off the field news and McNabb freaking the hell out because he doesn’t have Brian Westbrook to dump screen passes to anymore.

Well, except the Seahawks finally relinquishing control of the top spot in the NFC West that they have maintained for the past four seasons. Not that they have succumb to the awesome power of the Cardinals, Rams or Niners; those teams range from solidly average to worst in the league. No, it appears that the Seahawks, much like the Colts, simply appear to be getting old. And their sudden elderly status has caught them off-guard.

The Seahawks have perennially been one of those teams that you knew would always make the playoffs due to a long list of circumstances (competent coach, balanced attack, aforementioned shit division), but would never actually contend for a title (sans the year they went to the Superbowl in an exceptionally weak season for the NFC). Sure, you watched them run around in their distracting, complicated uniforms, produced some entertaining games and who knows, maybe you even made some money betting on them to cover at home. But you knew that whatever else happened, for whatever reason, this team would never get over the hump.

As we watched them get pummeled by the Giants, we realized that this was no longer the dullest spread offense team in the history of the league that would methodically fail to exceed their considerable expectations. No, now they have the opportunity to be bad. I mean, really bad. Not only are they old, but they are banged up, and now neither of their quarterbacks are even bothering to show up for practice. This can’t be good for morale.

Under normal circumstances, we wouldn’t give a shit about any of this. We generally dislike the Seahawks. From the petulant whining of their fans over the politics of their teams players to the coach’s self-righteousness when it comes to perceived slights from officials…it all just rubs us the wrong way when it comes to which teams we want to see win. But this season, we finally did what everyone has told us for our fantasy football career, and that is draft players off this team.

Now, the season isn’t near over and there is plenty of time for redemption. But lets just say that my discontent for the Seahawks has only grown. For years I had resisted their tempting allure while those around me got fat off the excessive passing yardage. This season, I take Hasselbeck in the 7th and Bobby Engram in the 13th, and they both have fucked me raw. They fuck me going for the past three years, and now they fuck me coming. Hasselbeck has yet to have a game where he breaks ten points, Engram just got back onto the field, and their receiving corps. is in such dismal shape he was immediately catapulted back to the number one slot he reluctantly and indecisively held last season.

This, among other things, is why my team is the St. Louis Rams of our fantasy league. The only way the Seahawks could intensify my hatred of them any more is if I lived in a state sensible enough to house a casino and they lost at home to the Lions or something. That would ensure them of my contempt until the end of time.

Now we are just hoping they are banished to Oklahoma City.

/Sort of just kidding.

A few random thoughts because we can’t think of anything else to write about. This is what happens when you inadequately prepare for an 11 day trip out of town.

-So, did anyone actually think Shawne Merriman was going to finish out the season? The guy had a torn ACL. Doctors were saying that he could either move vertically but not laterally or the other way around. Either way, decreased mobility for a linebacker is kind of a big deal. Just the fact that he played the one game basically makes him like the knight from Monty Python.

-Eddie Kennison is back in the league. He signed with the Rams to replace Drew Bennett. It seems the football Gods are being unkind to the white receiver this year. First Kevin Curtis goes down, Wes Welker loses the best quarterback in the league, Brandom Stokely is being outshined by a rookie, Manning looked shaky a couple nights ago throwing to Anthony Gonzalez, and now this. Oh well, I’m just glad that St. Louis found another aging receiver passed his prime to replace Isaac Bruce.

-Speaking of which, my friend who came into town and I spent the entire week mocking the guy who picked Eddie Royal in our draft. And for a number of reasons. One, no one knew which NFL team he was on. Two, the guy who drafted him didn’t know which college he went to despite him being a rookie. Three, there were several other serviceable second tier receivers available when he took him. And four, the only reason either of us knew he played at Virginia Tech was due to the fact he played special teams. And still, he is rewarded with one of the best performances of the week, and with Cutler looking like the second coming, he potentially has a stud receiver for the rest of the season. Fantasy football: it does not reward the just.

We’ll try to atone for this later. Our apologies.

In spite of writing a fantasy football blog, our heart is truly devoted to Saturdays (we’ve hinted at this before). Growing up in a city (Columbus) with an overly-rabid fan base for “their team” can leave you contemplating a bell tower like incident most of the time, but while it borders on hysteria (and often succumbs to it, regrettably) it can certainly be intoxicating. The atmosphere, the inclusiveness, the history, the rivalries and the “pageantry” (in quotes because we fucking hate that word) all trump that of the NFL. Which generally doesn’t have a team that goes back past the 50’s, about 90% of game attendees are single, white men ranging from twenty-five to forty-five; the only thing that could be deemed “pageantry” at an NFL game would be scantily clad cheerleaders, and rivalries come and go with the success of the given teams.

Every year before the start of the two seasons, someone writes a column comparing the merits of Saturdays and Sundays; and while we admire the NFL’s logic in implementing a playoff (something that is required in college football more than any other major American sport, but ironically is the only one without a playoff) as opposed to randomly assigned and typically meaningless bowl games, college football trumps the NFL in every other conceivable way.

Well, and there is fantasy football. Not something I am sure the NFL can take credit for, but it is commonplace amongst its spectators. the same can’t be said for the college game. And I don’t know if that is a testament to the strength of the game itself, or a glaring oversight that could bring in even more fans. Because while we find it interesting on several levels, our interest in the pro game would certainly wane if it wasn’t for various forms of gambling.

So what would a fantasy football league look like for college? Would you include every conference? Every division? Surely you would limit it to one division 1-A or whatever it is called now, right? Do you adjust scoring to reflect the different pace of game? Are conference title games included? Given the shorter season, do you keep it in tune with the nature of the sport itself and forgo a playoff?

This has been an ongoing conversation between me and the two friends I have that could actually tolerate a conversation like this. Instead of finding a website that offers such a service or creating one ourselves, we endlessly speculate on what it might look like. This is the amalgamation we came up with.

-It can only consist of three conferences, in order to limit the talent pool (so the waiver wire and free agency doesn’t have enough depth for ten more leagues). This can vary with the number of participants. You could even do a league where you only draft players from a specific conference, and your opponents do the same from a rival conference. But with the chosen format, three conferences would roughly equal the number of available players for an NFL league.

-Amongst the three conferences, the only one excluded from consideration is the Big 12, given the Texas Tech effect that makes their quarterback infinitely more valuable than any other player in college football (Note: If it isn’t just Tim Tebow, this might have to eventually include any Urban Meyer coached team if things keep up at this rate).

-The conference containing the league consensus favorite team should be barred from consideration as well, to avoid any conflict of interests. Since we are Ohio State fans, the league in question is the Big Ten.

-Basically leaves us with Pac-10, SEC & Big East. I’d rather get the Clockwork Orange treatment than have to sit through an ACC football game.

-The draft would be conducted the same way (standard snake format), roster size and spots would be virtually identical to that of any NFL fantasy league, given the number of teams made available by the three chosen conferences.

-The fantasy season ends with the regular season. This means neither bowl games nor conference title games will factor into the league result.

-Given that the season is only thirteen weeks and a playoff in NFL fantasy football is tedious and rarely reflects who had the best season, much like the college presidents, we ruled against a playoff.

Again, there are sites that offer this, that is hardly the problem. The problem is finding enough participants so that a league is actually possible. For now the games themselves and our parlays are keeping us interested, but when we hit forty, maybe thirty-five, this might have to be part of the zeitgeist for us to keep devoting every fall Saturday solely to staring at a box with moving images. One thing about the NFL, is while we decidedly prefer college football, we never envision our dedication to watching their product being an issue.

The Washington Redskins will play the Jacksonville Jaguars tonight on NBC. You could watch this game and scout backups for the inevitable injuries both teams are set to incur. Or! You could watch the first three games of college football and look for promising prospects for the 2009 season. I’d probably go with the latter, because I sure as shit do not want any Redskins on my team, and Jacksonville is a quarterback, a slew of receivers that will all get playing time and a couple running backs that everyone is fully aware of. I’m going with the college games, but the choice is yours, my friends.

But, since this is an NFL fantasy site, here are some players to look out for this season on these respective teams. There is no guarantee that any of these players will take the field, but should they receiver ample and meaningless PT, they are worth considering this fantasy season.

Jacksonville

Troy Williamson/Jerry Porter: The new tandem of mediocre to potentially good receivers in Jacksonville’s arsenal. We tend to think Williamson has the better chance to finally succeed, if for nothing else than we have no reason to believe he doesn’t want to. But, given Minnesota’s dismal quarterbacks since Williamson was drafter seventh overall in 2004, Porter has actually demonstrated more productivity in his career.

Chauncey Washington: With Maurice Jones-Drew already having “P”’s and “Q”’s next to his name on ESPN, it is safe to assume that he, and the often maligned for his health problems, aging Fred Taylor might need someone to at least spell them, if not take over the bulk of the running game. Chauncey Washington could end up being that person. We don’t necessarily recommend drafting him, but the rookie out of USC is someone to keep an eye on as the typical rotation of running backs is churned out this season from the waiver wire.

Washington Redskins

Devin Thomas: This kid can play and should grow to be at least a reliable second option on a contender at some point in his career. I watched him rather closely at Michigan State and he exceeded expectations there. Washington has apparently opted to play their starters tonight (something I was not aware of earlier), making his value all the better should Santana Moss or Antwaan “I’ll never realize my full potential” Randle-El sustain some sort of injury, which is bound to happen. Even if it doesn’t, they are both past their prime and kind of inconsistent. Look for Thomas to get more and more looks as the season carries on, and a viable pick should you procrastinate drafting wide outs this season.

Malcolm Kelly: Pretty much the same expectations I have for this rookie receiver out of Oklahoma, only to a slightly lesser extent. Again, his predecessors are only so reliable, and he produced some decent numbers and showed a lot of potential with the Sooners. And I say this as a person with an adamant distaste for all things Oklahoma football.

That is pretty much the extent of it. We’re not exactly going to see a fantasy monsoon between these two squads (particularly out of the Redskins). But if you need something to keep your attention during this game — and I know you will — this is your saving grace.

So apparently when I use the word “later” to describe the length of time before a new post, we actually mean “tomorrow”. I just wanted to clarify.

Anyhow, we don’t know how big the crossover audience is for a post like this, but since both Mad Men and fantasy football are immensely popular, we figured it might draw at least a modest amount of hits — as opposed to not hits at all — to compare the characters from the 1960’s Madison Avenue drama with like-minded fantasy football performers. This comparison is subjective, tenuous and completely pointless, but it gives me something to write about. This morning we’ll start with the women of Mad Men, then tomorrow find appropriate likenesses for the male characters.

Joan Holloway - Terrell Owens
Flamboyant, unpredictable and caustic when needed to be. To much the same degree Miss Holloway is wanted by all men with fixations on red heads for sexual gratification, Owens is wanted by all fantasy owners for his proclivity for the end zone. They are both over thirty and amazingly still considered to be very much in their prime.

Peggy Olson - Drew Brees
The underdog. In every sense of the term, both have defied expectations via mitigating circumstances. Drew Brees, drafted with the first pick in the second round, was initially expected to play backup for at least awhile if not his entire career before Phillip Rivers decided to hold out during his rookie season, enabling the starting position for Brees to demonstrate his hidden talents. Peggy, after being used in a test study for Bel-Jolie lipstick, managed to stand out amongst her peers as a potentially great copywriter without fully realizing it.

Betty Draper- Donovan McNabb
Overly loyal and increasingly agitated perfectly describes these two peas in a pod. While McNabb struggles to stay healthy and is constantly questioned when he is, Betty is growing resentful of her place in her life and marriage, but stands by her man all the same (It just dawned on me that some of these players and the actresses might not appreciate these comparisons).

Rachel Menken - Peyton Manning
Talented and principled, both have followed in their family’s footsteps into retail and quarterbacking respectively, and seemingly carry a sense of entitlement as a result. There flaws are minimal: While Rachel sleeps with married men before marrying someone her father would approve of, Manning pisses off his offensive line with numerous and endless audibles, inducing suicide attempts and probably rampant spousal abuse on a weekly basis. And they are both second options in their own way.

Midge Daniels - Chad Johnson
Both potentially out for the season, eccentric, and neither couldn’t be anymore unintentionally conformist while striving desperately to be non-conformist. If either exceeds expectations this year we would be surprised.

Bobbie Barrett - Brett Favre
Self-starting, over-achievers that no one other than business associates seems to like for varying reasons, but mantains the loyalty of a close few. Brett Favre, after spending a career in Green Bay, Wisconsin; is adapting to a new environment in New York, while Bobbie adjusts to and excels in television production coming from talent management.

Hildy (no last name on IMDB) - Jabbar Gaffney
Under-appreciated yet justifiably overshadowed, but talented enough to come through when is necessary. Hildy, to give Harry a much needed storyline and when Pete Campbell needs an earful. And Gaffney, for picking up the slack when Randy Moss is struggling/being triple-teamed.

Back with NFL equivalents for Don, Roger, Bert, Duck, Pete, Harry, Paul & Ken tomorrow, which means I might not post it until next week.

For the most part, one of the biggest dilemmas in constructing your fantasy football season is settling on a date. Some people do auto-drafts, which kind of defeats the entire purpose and sucks the life out of a fantasy league. You are literally letting machines make your decisions for you so you don’t have to be bothered with such trivial concerns. If you are so indifferent to something that you would let a computer do all the work for you, then why even bother to pretend that you’re interested?

Fuck off, auto-draft people. It’s always some spineless twerp with the unholy girlfriend suggesting this. Just because you are so pussy-whipped that you can’t break away from the death grip she has on your scrotum for a couple hours to even do an online draft, doesn’t mean the rest of us have to adhere to the demands of your over-eager cock. This same person is also responsible for the same complaints:

-Wants to keep the league friendly. In other words, he doesn’t want to put in any money in the confidence of his team. Fuck off. It’s friendly with or without money. Not all of us take the $20-$200 all that seriously because none of us have our finances monitored by someone we’ve been dating for two months.

-When he does agree to the draft, is regularly hurrying people because he is “short on time”. Translation: I made a promise to my girlfriend that I couldn’t keep because I am deftly afraid of her.

-Drafts a kicker in the first ten rounds because the kicker starts. This doesn’t impede on the draft and it technically plays in my favor, but it still pisses me off.

-Wants to invite his girlfriend to play.

Let it be known that in theory, I generally have no problem with the last one. The whole boys club thing is a little unsettling to me in a number of ways. But generally the culprit is so insistent regardless of whether we already have either the maximum amount of teams or an even number, and adding her would either exceed that maximum or round us out to an odd number of teams, meaning someone is always on a bye week. So to include her, we either have to kick someone out of the league, which is unfathomable; or scramble to find another participant for her inclusion.

I’m flexible. I can agree to the latter, typically. If said couple can assist in finding another participant that won’t bitch about the entry fee and is available for the designated time for the draft, it would be nice. But do not ever expect this. They never consider what a daunting task this is and just wait idly for you to make everything work out for their self-involved asses. So fuck off, needy girlfriend of/and pathetically complacent friend.

Anyhow, even with all the personal dilemmas and conflicting time tables, there is a new variable to factor in this equation: preseason injuries. It has been this way for roughly two or three years now so I am a little late on this, but scheduling your draft anytime before September is an exercise in futility. You spend at least a solid twenty minutes prepping for it, and for what? To draft a running back that tears his ACL in the second quarter of the third preseason game, because somehow that is when everyone decides that starters should go for roughly three quarters (unless you’re a top ten player). That’s twenty minutes in addition to the draft that you will never get back.

Generally it’s all fair because everyone is drafting at the same time, and you are all running the same gamut if you choose to draft in early August. If you did this, and you drafted Chad Johnson, then ‘dems the breaks. But it is in everyone’s best interest to keep the draft at least in late August, at least most star players have gotten their reps in and will generally be sidelined for that least preseason game.

Trust me when I say this is in everyone’s interest. Even if you stay healthy, you don’t want to hear the one person lamenting and clinging to that one injury to his star wide out as justification for why he is in last place, regardless of how legitimate it is. You want to stay injury free? Draft 1998 Brett Favre. Otherwise you conceded to the agreed upon draft date and knew the circumstances going in, so take your bitching to your coworkers because I don’t want to hear it.

Basically what I am saying is this: Never be your league’s commissioner. It is time consuming, nerve-racking and just a general pain in the ass trying to coordinate schedules and take individuals eccentricities into consideration. And before you know it the whole thing is like planning a wedding you don’t even want. My suggestion to avoid this responsibility is just keeping your mouth shut and waiting for someone else to bring it up, then force your recommendations on whichever sap agreed to run your league.

Back later.

If for some reason you are planning on watching the eyesore that is a pre-season football game between the Seahawks and Chargers (like, you’re a fan of one of these two teams or something), we figured profiling the potential fantasy dark horses for each team would be fitting. Mainly because you will be watching at least a half of backups. At least it is the third and not the fourth game, which is a disgrace to the American way of life.

Seattle:

Seneca Wallace: naturally Matt Hasselbeck is the starter, but he is thirty-three and now battling nagging injuries. Wallace has been his backup for as long as Jim Sorgi has backed up Peyton Manning. Some people seem to think he is actually capable of starting. We aren’t in that camp, but if you have Hasselbeck on your team or are a Seahawks fan, have a look at your almost certain future.

Maurice Morris/TJ Duckett: What the hell happened to Mack Strong? If there was ever a player with a name suited to play fullback, it is Mack Strong. Anyhow, is there a team TJ Duckett hasn’t played for at this point? And has he ever lived up to expectations? For those thinking he will be getting those goal line carries, I would think again. Size doesn’t necessarily mean strength. Who the hell is Maurice Morris?

Will Heller: He is actually listed as the starting tight end, which probably means he won’t see the field too much. If he does, keep your eyes peeled to see if they will be throwing to him this season. Or rather, if Seneca Wallace will throw to him if Hasselbeck is incapacitated. Nothing like having a wasted bench spot on a backup tight end no one has ever heard of.

San Diego:

Billy Volek: Not that you would ever draft him, but we kind of like Volek more than Rivers. If Rivers is to miss a game and your starter is Kurt Warner, we suggest taking a gander at who the Chargers are playing that week.

Jacob Hester: If you watched LSU at all last year, then you probably know that Hester leaves it all on the field when he suits up. If Tomlinson feels like conserving himself this season and they are going to distribute carries, and even more specifically goal line carries, Hester is a very viable alternative.

Darren Sproles: Despite his diminutive size (though we will agree he is better suited as a third down back), Sproles has a lot of game in him. Again, his overall fantasy production hinges on Tomlinson’s health (or lack thereof), but he also shares return duties with Parker, redeeming the limitations of his pint size body coming out of the backfield.

The Defense: With Merriman probably missing at least a good portion of the season, you might want to observe who they might be replacing him with. Needless to say, if he does sit out a considerable amount of time, you might want to rethink these half-assed rankings.

Back tomorrow morning. Honestly.

As I understand it there are two different types of popularized salary cap leagues: One played with real money in which the market dictates each players value. And the other with fake money in which multiple teams can acquire one player, and that players stock either rises or falls with each passing week depending on performance. If the players stock rises, you can trade him out of his increased value or keep him on your roster.

If it wasn’t obvious from the intro, I joined a salary cap league with the latter. I would have been willing to do join a pay league, but it is through my Chiropractor with a bunch of strangers, so my input was expendable. (I am twenty-six and go to a chiropractor on a weekly basis while surrounded by geriatrics and whiplash victims. With any luck a picture of me will never make a public website, but you should be able to assume that I have a body of an eighty year-old man.)

But within the confines of the rules I am confined too, I like the change of pace. Basically, we all start out with $50,000,000 of fake money, we have to fill 12 roster spots (three receivers, three running backs, two quarterbacks, a defense, a tight end and a kicker) all of whom start and we have an unlimited number of transactions before the first week of the season. Meaning, if I bought one player then thought better of it, I can sell him and acquire someone else with the newfound available cap space.

Given the prices of the players, this is all a lot more difficult then it sounds. Basically, you want to buy low and sell high, or at least relative to how you think they will perform against their peers versus where they are priced at. For instance, I bought Ted Ginn for $2.15 million. If he pans out and becomes an elite receiver, his stock will rise potentially to that of a Chad Johnson who’s worth $5.25 million (I have no idea what the degree of fluctuation is like). I can then either stick with Ginn or trade him out for a better receiver or an upgrade at another position.

While a traditional fantasy league ironically is more akin to starting a business, the salary league is like solving a weekly puzzle. You are just trying to procure the best pieces to sufficiently complete it. You could, in theory, have the top twelve scorers every week if you play your hand right. This of course is highly unlikely; but is ultimately the goal. For the hell of it, here are the players I took for my twelve spots.

Quarterbacks
Drew Brees: $8.5 million
Matt Hasselbeck: $ 6.75 million

We went high on quarterbacks because we feel like out of the three major positions, the elite quarterbacks are more reliable than the elite players at running back or receiver. We still might swap out Hasselbeck for Matt Schaub ($5.35 million) and upgrade at wide out. You will see why in a minute.

Running Backs
Brian Westbrook: $9 million
Julius Jones: $5.52 million
Jonathan Stewart: $4.8 million

We bought pretty high with running backs to, and we expect this portion of our roster to have a much higher turnover rate than any other. But you have to have an arsenal of players and we feel like Jones and Stewart, while priced a little higher than we would like to see relative to their peers, we are still getting a bargain price for how their seasons will turnout. We were torn between Stewart and Mendenhall, but since Willie Parker will probably eat up a lot more early carries than DeAngelo Williams we went with the Oregon alum. Of course, we drafted Brandon Jackson in the seventh round last season, so it is best not to listen to us.

Receivers
Jerricho Cotchery: $5.25 million
Ted Ginn: $2.15 million
Bryant Johnson: $1.15 million

This is where it gets dicey. Because while I over-indulged at quarterback and running back (particularly quarterback), we looked for value at receiver. Cotchery will have a huge season that will land him in the top ten for receivers. We are certain of this. Ted Ginn is the top wideout and return man on a Miami Dolphins team that can only improve. It is with Bryant Johnson we feel like we are playing roulette because of how anemic the Niners offense has been since Jeff Garcia left town. Still, it’s only for a little over a fiftieth of our cap so it isn’t much of a gamble, plus we like that he will be starting with a new team with a new offensive coordinator (Mike Martz) and potentially a new quarterback in San Fran.

Tight end: Jeremy Shockey, $3.3 million
We are mulling this one over still, but we initially bought Tony Gonzalez and sold him to upgrade at running back.

Defense: New York Jets, $2.35 million
This will probably change every week for us based on match ups. The Jets week one opponent? Miami. It kind of contradicts our Ted Ginn pick, but we’re alright with that.

Kicker: Mike Nugent, $1.2 million
Whatever. He has looked bad in the off-season but we expect him come around. This is also dependent on match-up but won’t change as much because it is blind luck.

After doing an overview we realized how monolithic our selection of players is. Essentially, if he isn’t on the Jets, Seahawks, Saints or our favorite team, or didn’t go to Ohio State, then his name is Bryant Johnson or Jonathan Stewart. This will probably hurt us, but it is for fun and experimental so we really don’t give a shit. We are still tinkering with this team and fully expect it to blow up in our face.

Back with something you might actually care about later.