Fantasy Football

We’re down to two playoff games for these weekly recaps, and it is starting to dawn on us that while we’re going to struggle for material for the next couple weeks, we have nary a clue how we are going to keep this site updated during the off-season. You can only make so many LenDale White fat jokes before they start to get old. Obviously we’re going to be forced to move onto La’Ron McClain fat jokes.

Anyhow, it was an interesting day of games yesterday. But probably the most peculiar thing about it, and we should have caught it on Thursday or Friday, is that the NFC title game was the earlier broadcast. Considering, you know, the other game was in Pittsburgh, outdoors and in the eastern time zone; it seems like that would be an ideal afternoon game. At least when the other option is indoors, in Arizona and on pacific time. But what do I know? I guess it makes as much sense as Arizona being allowed to play the game at home in the first place.

But even all that taken under advisement there was a better reason to play the AFC game early: Namely, it was boring as shit. Sure, if you’re a fan of one of the two teams you saw it as an old school, hard hitting battle between divisional foes. If you’re a neutral observer like me and most of the country, you were struggling to keep your eyes open after the two hour first half that resulted in 20 total points. And that 20 wasn’t exactly thrilling. I know this is how football is “supposed” to be played, but when I’m kind of burnt out on it and it’s over two hours to play thirty minutes and neither team is of particular interest, our interest tends to wane.

To summarize because it’s obligatory, Joe Flacco’s inexperience finally cost Baltimore (as it should), as he threw three interceptions and barely cracked 33% completion percentage (13/30). Outside of Pitt’s defense, no one really performed exceptionally for Pittsburgh. Several dropped passes, and a number of shaky throws from Roethlisberger, Pittsburgh’s defense managed to carry the day that was highlighted with a Troy Polamalu pick-six (which we claimed would happen in the first quarter but it’s not on record so why do I bother mentioning it?).

For what it’s worth, when he’s dead set on winning a game, I really don’t think there’s a better defender in the league than Polamalu, who hones in on the ball like a guided missile. For all the talk of Ed Reed and Ray Lewis, Polamalu outclassed them all in this contest.

Maybe the hair has a device that tracks synthesized leather.

Set aside the fact that it was fairly uninspired play on the offensive end (penalties seemed to count for as much as actual plays) and a four hour running time that was beyond all comprehension, the game just had no storyline beyond the petulant trash talking between several notable players. Some are intrigued by this, for us, it’s just another reason to dislike both already dislikable teams. The bickering wouldn’t be interesting to anyone if it wasn’t for the fact that we’re all familiar with those involved, the comments themselves are about two notches below “yo’ momma’” jokes and the whole thing just wreaks of self-absorption. For some of these guys to say some of the shit they do in a public venue, is a good testament too how many times they’ve been reminded of how special they are.

Of course, I hate to complain about the duration of time the game took to play out, so please take into consideration I wrote the last paragraph before Willis McGahee’s injury. Poor bastard. Can this guy go a couple seasons without sustaining some kind of horrific injury? First there was this and now we have this. Can’t this guy just sustain something like a bone bruise? Does it always have to be career threatening? Two things were refreshing about what happened in the aftermath: 1) He moved, with relative ease and regularity and 2) The Pittsburgh fans wishing him well as he was being carted through the tunnel (though I’m not sure they would have been so convivial had the Steelers been losing).

Since that is all that really happened in that game, let’s move onto the NFC which proved a little more theatric.

In short: Philly deserved to lose: Dropped passes, turnovers, shaky defense for three of four quarters. These are not the standard makings of a winning football performance. Arizona kind of impressed me, they came close to catching a few breaks (the Boldin catch after the missed interception, the missed kickoff catch from Philly that the return man shouldn’t have been going for in the first place, followed by the Arizona recovery after the ball looked like stayed in bounds that was ultimately ruled out), and managed to hold onto the win after blowing an 18 point halftime lead.

Usually when a team as experienced and (recently) adept as Philly builds momentum like that, they never relent. But ‘Zona proved resilient by putting together an efficient and crucial touchdown drive late in the fourth capped off by a converted two point conversion. It’s a good thing the subsequent defensive stop gave us the obligatory controversial call/non-call towards the end of the game, otherwise what would we have to argue about. Personally, I don’t know how you cannot call that. Having a game be decided on a 4th and 10 pass play in which the defender (intentionally or otherwise) knocks down the receiver before he has an opportunity to catch the ball seems a bit ill-advised. But if they are certain that the defender knocked down Curtis accidentally (unless he stumbled backwards into him while blindfolded, I don’t know how you can be certain of that) then I guess that is the call they have to make.

I mean, if the call goes the other way, the Cardinals still have plenty of chances to stop them even if they do convert that fourth down. And even if Philly does get in the end zone, they still have an overtime to sort out who wins. Right now it looks like a game that came down to a potentially errant decision by the officials to refrain from making a semi-obvious call under the guise of “letting them play”.

Anyhow, if Philly was going to lose it’s probably better that the botched plays on special teams (missed field goal and extra point, terrible two-point conversion attempt as a result of those kicks) weren’t the result. The riots following the game would make those after the world series win look like a good-natured game of Candyland.

So this is our Super Bowl matchup: The Arizona Cardinals vs. The Pittsburgh Steelers. On one side: The gritty underdog that no one gave a chance to get past the second round, catching fire at the right time to knock off three favorites in fairly dramatic fashion. On the other side we have the team that was considered second best in their own conference all season, who played the toughest schedule in NFL history (nine games against playoff teams) and who’s defensive consistency is their defining characteristic. I’ll let you guess which is which, but we will say one thing: We’re actually excited for this game. As much as we like to discredit the Cardinals and consider them benefactors of a seriously flawed playoff format, they are in the Super Bowl, and we can’t think of a better conclusion to a season as fucked up as this one than a Arizona Cardinals Super Bowl victory.

It for today, back tomorrow with something.

Not exactly a barrel of laughs is this match-up, unless you include unintentional humor. To be honest, unless the Steelers are wearing their throwback unis with the yellow helmets I really can’t stand either of these teams. It’s a collection of inarticulate jock-tards trading witless barbs before they beat the shit out of each other for our amusement and millions of dollars. None of it is meant to be serious, but it’s treated like the apocalypse by both franchises (especially the Ravens). Even thought the NFC title game features what many would consider two undeserving teams, at least it seems to be recognized as entertainment by everyone except for the Eagles fans.

But yeah, I’m really partial to those yellow helmets. They’re fucking shiny, alright? What do you want from me.

I was an ardent fan in this game against the lowly, lowly Bills.

Pittsburgh’s Outlook: Well, they certainly seem to be taking things in stride and not paranoid at all, right? Certainly they’re not buying into the “it’s impossible to beat a team three times in one season” credo. Considering I read on Deadspin yesterday that in the third game wherein one team has one the first two, they are 11-7 the third time around. So as you can see, they do not win an overwhelming amount of the time, but the notion that the team on the losing end of the first two games is destined to win is absurd.

Still, we’ve seen crazier things take place. The Ravens, even more than the Cardinals beating the Falcons, were lucky to sneak past the Titans. If Chris Johnson plays the entire game or if the refs catch that egregious delay of game (even though they did complete a 20 yard pass), things really could have swung in the Titans favor.

So everyone is picking against the Steelers, it seems. Despite their throttling of the Chargers and the fact that they’ll be at home in remarkably terrible weather going against a rookie quarterback (more on that later). Mind you, this is really the first time Willie Parker will be completely healthy going up against this Ravens defense. I know it’s a tad different than running against the Chargers, but It makes a significant difference when your next best option is Melwde Moore. Not to mention that Roethlisberger looked pretty efficient and like a playoff vet last week (something he hadn’t looked like until that moment). Personally, I think the Steelers fan base is one of the more needlessly paranoid in all of sports.

Baltimore’s Outlook: This team thrives on cliches, so naturally they’ve been playing the underdog card to the hilt this entire week and my God is it fucking irritable to listen too. Two things about the coverage of the Ravens and the Ravens themselves that has driven me nuts:

1) Derrick Mason talking shit to the Steelers and any opponent they may have down the road. He does realize that no one is afraid of their offense, right? That we’re all still relatively shocked when the offense successfully executes a play for over ten yards? If anyone is worried about being “ran over by the Ravens”, it is their defense and not their offense. Lord, you’d think that he already forgot that Kyle Boller and Anthony Wright have been throwing to him for the past three seasons.

2) I think it was someone on CBS’ pregame crew that said something along the lines of, “I think we should reconsider calling Joe Flacco a rookie anymore”. Hey nameless dipshit, “rookie” in and of itself is not exactly an insult. It signifies that you’re technically playing your first year in the league. It is, as far as the NFL is concerned, a technical term. No one is disparaging him by simply pointing out that he’d never taken a snap in the NFL before this season. It was kind of out of his hands, you know. Being born when he was. If only the NFL would let high schoolers into their league, then he’d be a seasoned vet, that’s assuming he could still walk.

Anyhow, now that we’re done venting all our disdain for the Ravens, let me explain why I think they could win: Turnovers. This is the brand of defense that thrives not on efficiency, but speed, intimidation and forced errors. Their defense is statistically worse than the Steelers, but if I’m a quarterback I’d rather going against Pitt. Let me put it this way, if they were playing Joe Flacco instead of Ben Roethlisberger, I’d consider them a shoe-in. Now it’s the proverbial coin flip. Also, while I think Parker is a better running option than the Ravens two running backs combined, McGahee and McClain are of a different brand. Parker is a speed back who’d actually benefit from ideal weather conditions, McGahee and McClain are better equipped to endure the harsher conditions.

As much as it pains me to say, they have a great shot to pull off the upset.

Manufactured ESPN Storylines: Is Baltimore the favorite since they’ve already lost twice to the team they’re playing? Can Baltimore win a Super Bowl with a rookie quarterback? Is Ed Reed going to take it out on Heinz Ward that he didn’t win defensive player of the year? Does either team have any sense of irony? Who would win in a Necessary Roughness style bar brawl? Will the American public stand for another Ravens Super Bowl?

Fantasy Implications: As mentioned yesterday, I’m really expecting more production out of the NFC game. Kickers, tight ends and especially defenses are ideal acquisitions here. And if you must veer into skill position territory, I wouldn’t go beyond Ward, Parker or Mason.

The Pick: With a seemingly inflated line of +6 for the Ravens, I’m taking them to cover the spread but for the Steelers to advance. Basically, if the weather is anything in Pittsburgh like it is in Columbus, I don’t expect either team to break 17 points, meaning the opposition only needs twelve to stay inside six. But between home field advantage and the comparatively veteran quarterback, the Steelers should be able to come out of the box with a win. Which naturally means they probably won’t.

Probably it for the week, enjoy the games on Sunday.

For the sake of posterity, we’re going to follow the same format we did for the divisional playoff previews, because that went so swimmingly.

Philly’s Outlook: Reportedly Andy Reid isn’t even allowing his team to watch footage from their Thanksgiving throttling of the Cardinals, because if recent history is any indication, that game took place on Neptune. I like this strategy, when nothing about the entity with which you are employed makes sense anymore, defy all conventional wisdom. Not to mention that that games was played in an arctic monsoon, it won’t really have the same pace as a match up between the same two teams indoors at University of Phoenix Stadium (I can’t begin to explain how fortunate Arizona is in this regard).

That said, I think Philly would have beaten Arizona anywhere on fateful Thanksgiving night. When the final score is 48-20, that definitely lends to the theory that if you’re not the better team in general, then you were definitely the better team at the time. Unfortunately, since this is the NFL, all that means is you are all the more susceptible to a loss at the next go-around. Basically, they are going to have to defy the odds to win on Sunday.

How do we suspect they do that? Well, if Donovan McNabb continues to be sub-par on 1st and 2nd down but deliver on 3rd, that sounds like the fitting stake they can drive into the hearts of the Cardinals, being that Arizona hasn’t had to overcome even a modicum of adversity in these playoffs. Also, Philly’s defense is considerably better than either Atlanta’s or Carolina’s; and I certainly hope that the Eagles aren’t underestimating the Cardinals like the two teams before them.

The odd thing about the Eagles in the past two games, however, is that the team has historically gone the way of Brian Westbrook. He was completely ineffectual against the Giants, and if it wasn’t for one screen pass that turned into a 70 yard touchdown everyone would say the same thing about his performance against the Vikings. But despite his considerable shortcomings, they’ve managed to win both games convincingly. With word coming out that he tweaked his ankle in the Giants game (though when doesn’t Westbrook tweak something?), one would assume they need him to beat the Cardinals since he broke off four touchdowns against them on Thanksgiving (being an unsuspecting fantasy victim of that is etched into my mind). But since they’ve done it without him against what many would assume to be far superior teams, it’s anyone’s ball game.

Basically, if the Eagles go into this game with a semblance of determination and do not take the Cardinals lightly, they should win fairly convincingly.

Arizona’s Outlook: The argument for the Cardinals seems to be that they’re a team of destiny. The win against the Falcons and the implosion of Jake Delhomme would seem to suggest as much. But can’t the same thing be said about the Eagles? Whose turnaround has been just as unexpected, even if it wasn’t as abrupt? I guess the question really is, whose destiny was to make the NFC title game and whose was to make/win the Superbowl? (Because questions like this are so logical)

I’ll let you know where I am siding in a second, but the Cardinals do have some things going for them. 1) They’re still the underdog. It has been a good year for the underdog in the 2008/09 NFL playoffs. As of now, they’re 6-2 in not just covering, but outright winning. In addition, both these teams have thrived off playing the “no one respects us” card as a motivator. The Cardinals still have this to their advantage, the Eagles do not. Unfortunately for them, they’re playing a team that’s even more of a fluke than they are.

2) They’re at home. Look, I know the Cardinals went out east and refuted all the naysayers who said they didn’t have a chance just because Arizona was 0-5 when on the Atlantic coast and Carolina was 8-0 at home (what tediousness). But it generally doesn’t drop below freezing in Charlotte, North Carolina. Come January in Philadelphia, you’re lucky if it stays above 20. And despite Arizona’s epic collapse at the end of the season taking place all over the country, their two worst games were at New England and at Philly. In other words, count your blessings, everyone associated with Arizona, that the second half of the NFL’s playoff seeding rarely makes any sense.

Speaking of people who are ecstatic that this game is in Arizona...

3) The team they’re playing is only 9-6-1. So far they’ve upset two teams from the NFC South that were 11-5 and 12-4 respectively. The Eagles regular season tribulations are widely reported and almost served as a springboard for their two week playoff run (they beat the Giants in week fifteen, took a week off against the Redskins and lost, then clobbered the Cowboys in week 17. It was truly inspiring). Conventional wisdom would suggest that this bodes well for the Cardinals.

ESPN Manufactured Storylines: Can Donovan McNabb with the “big one”? Is Kurt Warner’s playoff experience a factor? Can Anquan Boldin’s chiropractor cure cancer? Is Edgerrin James going to leave the Cardinals? Does DeSean Jackson upset small children with his self-boasting? Just how unsportsmanlike is Donovan McNabb and what goes on in his head? Because, you know, Donovan McNabb has such an extensive history of questionable on-field behavior. I’ll never forget the time he body slammed Terrell Owens in 2004.

Fantasy Implications: If you’re still reading this site for fantasy football all I can do is apologize. The URL has gotten very misleading in the past few weeks. In short: I expect a high scoring affair rivaled only by the Kurt Warner teams of old in St. Louis. Depending on how many moves you have left in the NFL.com Fantasy Playoff Challenge Extravaganza, I would put all my stock in this game except for my kicker and defense (Jeff Reed & Pittsburgh are the other viable options here) and fill the void in the Superbowl left by my vanquished players.

The Pick: If you can’t tell from the contrarian mess that was written up until this point, I’m not really taking this even a little seriously anymore. Earlier I asked which is the team of destiny to make the Superbowl and which to make the NFC Title game earlier. Well, since Arizona hadn’t won a home playoff game in 61 years and this will be the Eagles fifth NFC title game in eight seasons, it feels like Arizona’s destiny has already been met. I am taking Philly to win and to cover the four points they’re getting. It has been an unfathomable run for the Cardinals, but you can put asterisks next to both of their wins thus far (even if the win in Carolina was impressive).

Then again, this might be McNabb’s and Andy Reid’s fate: Relegated too good to great seasons but no Superbowl wins. To say the least, I can totally envision a scenario in which Arizona earns their trip to Tampa, but for a team that has won two games based on multiple freak occurrences that have constantly played in their favor, I have to take the Eagles.

AFC title preview tomorrow.

So we’ve been sitting here at work, trying to think of something relevant to fantasy football to discuss about the NFL playoffs and we’re struggling to find the material. The best we can come up with is the connection between the abnormal nature of these games altering fantasy performances, but that seems kind of obvious. So we figured, what better than to rank the individual performers to date? It’s quick, easy.

Obviously a set of stated criteria is in order, so it will go like this:

-The bigger the numbers, the higher the rank. I just blew your mind, didn’t I?
-Only players still in the playoffs are eligible.
-Extra credit for having played in the wild card round. This is only a disadvantage for the Steelers, whom after they’re dispatching of the Chargers should be able to handle the setback.
-We’re going to break this off into a position by position ranking of the top three players at receiver, running back and tight end, and include all four defenses and starting quarterbacks.

Quarterbacks
1) Kurt Warner: Look at Larry Fitzgerald’s numbers, then take into consideration that Warner has occasionally completed passes to other receivers (though you wouldn’t believe it from looking at Fitzgerald’s numbers) and you’ll understand why.
2) Donovan McNabb: The best of the remaining, “don’t turn the ball over and you’ll be considered an asset” quarterbacks. His two games have combined for over 500 yards, 3 TD’s (one rushing) and 3 interceptions. Enough for second place.
3) Joe Flacco: Two touchdowns and just under three hundred yards passing in two games. He’s just like Trent Dilfer. Honestly, we’d mock the state of the NFL more, but what does it say about the state of the quarterback position (or the Ravens front office) that it took the Ravens roughly nine years to find Dilfer’s predecessor.
4) Ben Roethlisberger: we wanted to put you in front of Joe Flacco, Ben. But 17/28 and one touchdown doesn’t make up for playing in half as many games.

Running Backs
1) Willie Parker: Just to demonstrate how wonky this fucking season (and as it seems for the foreseeable future, the league) has been, a running back whose played only one game has produced as much as the eight running backs who comprise the backfield of the other eight teams left in the playoffs. 146 yards and two touchdowns is good enough for the top spot.
2) Tim Hightower: Even with the resurrection of Edgerrin James career that has resulted in two games for 99 yards rushing and two touchdowns, it has gotten him the #2 spot. Congrats on finishing in second place by default, Tim.
3) Willis McGahee: 94 rushing yards and a touchdown in each game land him the three spot. It’s in a landslide, really. Actually, Westbrook has a case to make with his 71 yard touchdown reception, but since it’s his only TD in two games, we gave the nod to The U alum, who’s fortunate to even have a career.

Wide Receivers
1) Larry Fitzgerald: Honestly, its been so good that we fault the defenses as much as we credit Larry, here. 12 catches for 267 yards and two scores in better than just about better than any two running backs not named Willie Parker.
2) Derrick Mason: Nine catches for 149 yards and a touchdown is an admirable two game performance, but looks like utter shit compared to Fitz (That’s short for Fitzgerald).
3) Anquan Boldin: Though he didn’t play against the Panthers, he had two catches for 72 yards and a touchdown against the Falcons.

Defenses
(This is the one category that we’ve actually seen some widespread efficiency in, so we’ll take it somewhat seriously)
1) Baltimore: Four forced fumbles, a blocked kick, five interceptions one of which Ed Reed returned for a touchdown and only 19 points allowed in two games earns them the top spot in a very stiff field.
2) Arizona: NINE turnovers which included one defensive touchdown against the Falcons that ended up being the difference in the game puts Arizona at #2.
3) Philadelphia: They’ve had a better overall defensive performance than Arizona (only allowing 25 total points to Zona’s 37), but this is a fantasy ranking. And four forced turnovers to the Cardinals eight isn’t enough to succeed them.
4) Pittsburgh: They gave up 24 points to the Chargers and forced no turnovers. One would think that holding a team to one offensive snap for an entire third quarter that turned out to be an interception would garner a higher ranking than this. But it’s pretty emblematic of how these playoffs have been.

That is to say, drab, passe and predictably unpredictable. Our last three Superbowl Champions have been six seeds, so this entire song and dance has gotten to the point of redundant. I don’t want to rehash what we said yesterday but just by looking at the above numbers, we now understand why we were so disinterested on Sunday. It wasn’t just the hangover we were sporting! It was partially due to the product on the field Huzzah! Plausible deniability!

Back tomorrow with something.

Something has happened in the past couple weeks that seems to have made Baltimore the overwhelming favorite to win this game. Not in Vegas, of course, but in the media and just general public perception. Go read a neutral message board where this game is the topic. Overwhelmingly it seems that everyone is favoring Balmer. No idea how this happened, but I imagine it has something to do with Kerry Collins and the last time he faced the Ravens in the post-season.

Just assume Giants fans are laughing their sick asses off at the Titans predicament.

Baltimore’s Outlook: Sporting the best in insanely energetic and intimidating defenses, the Ravens have made a resurgence of sort by acquiring a quarterback who doesn’t turn the ball over once every three possessions (whudda thunk it?). This has seemed to ignite the rest of the team, knowing their not going to be crippled by the worst starter they have, who just happens to also play the most important position. It’s a new day in Baltimore.

This team, much like the Eagles and Chargers, are peaking at exactly the right time. There defense is almost guaranteed to force turnovers, and as stated above, with Kerry Collins at the helm for the opposing offense, I can understand why most in Baltimore are feeling confident. Great defense, multiple threats at running back and a serviceable passing game often make for a Superbowl champion.

However, there is this little notion of having a rookie quarterback that should put more on edge. Sure, he’s a vast improvement over Kyle Boller or or Anthony Wright or Chris Redman (basically any quarterback that has ever played for the Ravens not named Vinny Testaverde), but he’s still a rookie. Regardless of how promising he looks. And a rookie on the road against a statistically better defense than the one he plays with can often be cause for concern for a team in the post-season.

Tennessee’s Outlook: Best record in the NFL, top five running game, top three coach and top three defense, so why is everyone picking against them? Weak close to the season would be my best guess. Sure, some of it was malaise and injury (notably: Albert Haynesworth), but that is definitely going to alter the perception of everyone with an opinion. Those of you who were confident are a little shaken, and those who were skeptical have leaped off the bandwagon they were dangling from the edge of in the first place.

Still, this team manhandled the Steelers in week sixteen and one of their three losses on the season was to the Colts the following week, where they basically threw in the towel because they had already locked up the conference’s one seed for the playoffs. One would think that would be enough to keep the bandwagon strong, but longterm memories (and by longterm, I mean beyond the previous week) are non-existent in sports, especially the NFL. “What have you done for me lately” also translates loosely into, “was it done before or after your next opponent’s recent accomplishment? Because that determines who I’m picking”.

Baltimore beat a sorry Jags team in a must win week 17 situation and absolutely destroyed the Dolphins in their wild card game, so, that’s the common consensus. Baltimore will beat the Titans. But I think this is shortsighted. How much is the dismissal of Tennessee is substantive based and how much is reactionary and superficial? Tennessee, while having the second best defense all season, rarely forced turnovers. They’re almost completely devoid of a highlight reel for a season that has to be considered a resounding success. No Ed Reed’s or Ray Lewis’. The closest thing the Titans have to anyone like that is Haynesworth, and he’s a defensive tackle. There isn’t a lot of flash to be had at defensive tackle.

ESPN Manufactured Storylines: What’s Vince Young’s mindset? How’s Vince Young reacting to his team accomplishing so much while he’s on the sideline? Can Vince Young rebound from the setback earlier in the season? Will Vince Young play? Is this team better with Collins next year? What if Collins struggles early, do they play Vince Young? You might have noticed that these are all mild variations on about two different subjects, and I wouldn’t expect anything different.

Fantasy Implications: Defenses should carry the day here. Your better off going with players at skill positions who aren’t facing such distinctly tough adversaries in the NFL.com Playoff Fantasy Challenge Extravaganza. LenDale White’s had three weeks off now, Lord knows what he’s going to look like coming out of the tunnel.

The Pick: Look, I’m just as frightful about the potential for another Baltimore Ravens Superbowl as anyone. The team is streaking, they seem to have a competent coach (this is the NFL right? How often do we see one competent coach replaced with another? This has to be considered a milestone), and every thing seems to simply be working in their favor. But I can’t ignore how dominant the Titans looked all season. These teams played week five in Baltimore, where the Titans won 13-10. A lot has changed since then, namely Collins and Flacco have had time to adapt to their current surroundings. Given that the game was played in Baltimore and Tennessee still won with a 40 year-old quarterback, I think I’m going with the minority and taking the Titans to win and cover.

As evidenced by when I am writing this, though, I am in no way confident about it. And yes, I am aware I am taking the favorites to win every game and to cover all but one of them, and that in a year with this much parity, that is extremely improbable. Fuck it, after last week I’m on tilt and almost have to do this.

Enjoy the games everyone.

I can’t believe this shit actually happened. I mean, I guess they’re both in the same division and perennial playoff contenders, and with the current unlucky streak I’m on I really shouldn’t be all that surprised. Only I could take a 20-1 bet with the returning Superbowl champs and have them square off against my team in their first playoff game. At least give me until the conference championship so I have some time to adjust. If the NFL had a modicum of sense to their playoff seeding I would be getting just that. Now, instead of playing the softness that is the Arizona Cardinals, the Giants are facing elimination against my half-heartedly beloved Eagles.

Philly’s Outlook: With a resurgence that I’m almost convinced Andy Reid stumbled into when he benched McNabb in the second half of that now infamous blowout they sustained against the Ravens, the Eagles look to repeat their performance against the Giants in week 14. Coming off an expected and rather convincing win against the Vikings, many believe this Eagles team is poised to make a 2007 Giants like run for the title.

We, however, are not buying it. As nice of a consolation prize as it would be to see the Eagles win the Superbowl in lieu of the Giants winning me $630 on a $30 bet, this team is extremely erratic offensively. My mind keeps going back to that 10-3 loss and how indicative it seemed of their whole season, especially since it was in between blowout wins against the Browns and Cowboys, two teams that were considered to be at opposite ends of the NFL talent spectrum. In short, they’re just too inconsistent. Of their sixteen regular season games, in all but five of them the Eagles scored either over 35 or under 20. Four of which were under 15 (Redskins, Bengals, Ravens, Steelers) and another three met or exceeded 40 (Cardinals, Cowboys, Niners). That is a wide spectrum of teams for both circumstances.

Now, it goes without saying that it’s never a bad thing to score a lot of points. They were 5-1 in games over 35. But this is the Giants in the playoffs we’re talking about, does anyone see them putting up numbers even remotely comparable to that? There best bet is to play it close to the vest and keep the Giants number of possessions limited. Attempt to keep it a low scoring affair that doesn’t give them a chance to rile up the crowd. It’s obviously not an impossible feat (they split the season series with only 11 points dividing them) and I’d actually venture to say that a healthy amount of pundits are picking them to win this game, if not the majority. But when you have two teams that are evenly matched (at least when the Giants are banged up), I tend to side with whoever has the better game plan.

C'mon, it could be their last game of the season. You had to have known I was posting a picture of Eagles cheerleaders.

New York’s Outlook: Has a team that’s been so dominant throughout a season ever had so many questions surrounding them throughout the playoffs? Perhaps the biggest one: Have they recovered from not having Plaxico Burress to bail out their quarterback yet? We know the running game and defense will be replenished, but if Philly is able to blitz as successfully as they did against Minnesota and they force Manning into some errant passes…this game could (and probably should) really come down to the wire. Especially with the secondary the Eagles currently sport (it might be unpopular, but we deem it the best in the league).

ESPN Manufactured Storylines: Is Plax still a distraction? Is Tom Coughlin’s coaching style suitable for such a tenuous situation? Will this game save Donovan in Philly? Will it save Andy Reid in Philly? Can McNabb turn this game into an endorsement for Swanson family dinners? Is Eli the better Manning brother? Can Brian Westbrook shoot fire out of his hands? Will Asante Samuel drop any key receptions? Seriously, how much does this team hate Tom Coughlin?

Fantasy Implications: I’m not going to comb over it again, but if fantasy football is still of concern for you, I really like a rested Brandon Jacobs and Kevin Boss to be key contributors in this game for the Giants. On the opposite side, if I like anyone it’s obviously Westbrook. And if you think the Eagles are going to win, for reasons stated above I like their defense. A lot. Their receivers (Brown, Jackson & Curtis) are the best McNabb has been dealt since 2003, but still too inconsistent and fucking tiny.

The Pick: Giants at -4? Ehh, I like New York to win but Philly to cover. It is mildly ironic I am not taking the favorite with the smallest line of the three we’ve seen so far, but remember I am doing this from most to least confident. And I’m not entirely sure why I have this rated as more confident that the Titans-Ravens game, as prognosticating it seems like a guaranteed losing proposition. I can see an Eagles win because they’re at their peak throughout the season, but I could see them losing because of inconsistency and questionable play calling.

I could see the Giants coming through with a win because they’re simply better coached and more talented than the Eagles, but I could also see them being upset because, I kid you not, they might be contemptuous that they have to play the Eagles in the first place. Considering Philly took Arizona behind the woodshed just over a month ago and they have a better record, no one would argue that the Giants are getting the raw end of the deal between them and Carolina. They’re probably wondering right now why they went to the trouble of forcing that game in week 16 into overtime. Given the circumstances, we’ll hedge our bets and make sure we’re right on at least one account. Expertise!

We’re going to attempt to follow the same format we used yesterday. If their is some innocuous difference in how we preview this game, then please, keep it to yourself or try to reconcile with the fact that we are more than aware of it, but we just didn’t care.

Also, The only reason this game is rated higher on our competitiveness scale is we give much more credence to the win over the Colts than Arizona’s win over Atlanta. Indy was a better team than the Falcons throughout the season, they played a better game than Atlanta in the wild card match-up and just in tone and tenor it felt a little less fluky.

San Diego’s Outlook: Much to my surprise, people are picking the Chargers to win this game outright. Apparently if you can run with Darren Sproles against Indy, you can run against a record setting defense. Now, we’ve been hinting at Sproles being the better option in the backfield than Tomlinson since roughly week eight or nine. And some might say he proved it on Saturday night. While he did look impressive and he could quite possibly be an elevated degree of the diminutive running back trend we’ve seen in the NFL this season, it doesn’t mean he’s going to run against the Steelers.

Why so pessimistic? One reason, really: Nobody runs against the Steelers. It doesn’t make much sense to me to suspect that a warm weather west coast team is going to travel east to Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania in January and pull out a win. It just doesn’t. Particularly when the east coast team won four more games during the regular season. the Indy win was great and all, but Indy is/was a finesse team. Pitt is a bruising, hard nose, “we’d only wear leather helmets if we could” old school team. Troy Polamalu, Ike Taylor and Jerome Harrison? That’s an entirely different ball of yarn than Dwight Freeney, Robert Mathis and Gary Brackett.

That said, no team offense and no quarterback has been moving the ball downfield better than the Chargers (well, except maybe the Patriots. Ahem). Phillip Rivers has been the best quarterback in the league for the last month and assuming they play with Vincent Jackson, they’ll be able to spread the field and maybe put a dent in that Pittsburgh defense. It is somewhat trite to say, but if their defense forces some turnovers (because their defense isn’t good enough to continually force the Steelers to punt), they can come out of Steel town with a W.

I'm usually not the smartest person in the room but I do know one thing, that field will not be well-manicured.

Pittsburgh’s Outlook: With a team that’s as focused and virulent as the Steelers, there is never a question as to whether they’re going to forget their objective because of a week off. They won’t. I’ll never understand why the Steelers organization is so much better ran than everyone else in the NFL, but I imagine it has something to do with coaching. Mike Tomlin was a strong hire to continue the Chuck Nohl, Bill Cowher mindset.

In other words, the Steelers typically do not lose games like this. If they’re involved in a game where there is a clear cut favorite and an upset takes place, they’re just about always the ones doing the upsetting. I wouldn’t expect anything different this week especially with the circumstances being what they are.

On the other side of the coin, however, the offense this season has been the epitome of inconsistence. If you look at their point totals for the season, you have to imagine that if they go into this game and can’t regularly move the ball downfield, things have the potential to become much more challenging than they should be.

Roethlisberger, for as great of a winning percentage as he has and for as great as he can look any given week, is just not the quarterback everyone wants him to be. Pittsburgh is, was and always will be a run first offense. He is best used in small, efficient doses (limited passing attempts for big chunks of yardage and a couple touchdowns). That isn’t to say he isn’t serviceable or even very good. But he isn’t Joe Montana or John Elway or even Phillip Rivers.

ESPN Manufactured Storylines: How will Big Ben recover from his concussion? Can Darren Sproles repeat his performance? Can the vaunted Pitt defense “find” Sproles behind the offensive line? Will Vincent Jackson’s DUI be a distraction for the underdog? I think the only way to settle these and more is to have a hyper, inarticulate discussion riddled with insider jokes between Chris Berman and a slew of former players.

Fantasy Implications: Just like yesterday and for every other game this weekend, there really isn’t any. But if you want recommendations for NFL.com’s fantasy playoff challenge extravaganza, I like Antonio Gates to blow up as he’ll be used to bail out Rivers several times I’m sure. A healthy Willie Parker isn’t going to do you wrong, either. Also, if someone puts a keg and a couple Patron bottles in the end zone, Vincent Jackson might be setting all kinds of records. Someone has to take the initiative, though. Those bottles aren’t going to buy themselves, people.

The Pick: Ugh, I hate to do this for the second game in a row, but six doesn’t seem like a big enough spread. We have to take the Steelers to win outright and to cover, because if you look at who they have lost to during the season, two of the teams were 12-4 (Giants, Colts), one was 13-3 (Titans) and the other was the Eagles (who are arguably the hottest team in the NFL at the moment). As much as I may want to (and you have no idea how much I want to), I just can’t see San Diego following up last week’s performance on the road. Outside of the superior passing game, the only thing San Diego has going for it is Darren Sproles’ low center of gravity. He’ll be able to eat up the slop that is Heinz field better than most.

Back with more tomorrow.

So what we’ve decided to do for the playoffs is to compound everything about each game into a single post, in order of the least to most competitive game (as seen through our prism), giving us cannon fodder from now until Friday. Yeah, we have no idea what we’re going to do for next week.

As a side note, it is requiring every ounce of strength I have to not pontificate on everything that was wrong with Ohio State last night. Hopefully, for your sake and mine, this will be the last I mention it.

Arizona’s Outlook: With a spread of -10, it doesn’t look like Arizona is getting much credit for their win against Atlanta. As well they shouldn’t. Arizona deserved the win, but they were playing at home against (despite how impressive he’s been) a rookie quarterback, and 23 of their 30 points could best be summarized as flukes. A two point conversion, a weird mid-air fumble recovery by Antrel Rolle returned for a touchdown, a flea flicker touchdown in which the flea flicker had absolutely no baring on the outcome of the play and a missed tackle that resulted in a 50 yard scamper after the catch. Even after all this and two more turnovers, Arizona only won by six at home.

Next week, one would probably assume they won’t be quite so fortunate. Because seldom has it been that any team has gotten so many breaks in a single contest. Not to mention they’re playing on the road in what will be (relative to Arizona) a cold weather game against a veteran savvy team. Luckily for them, that team is the Panthers and not the Giants. If they were going to the Meadowlands instead of whatever the name is for the Panthers stadium, they’d be dead in the snow before th game ever started. Because you know, Kurt Warner reacts to snow like Wolverine to magnets.

This could pose a few problems.

Still, if they manage to pull off what I would qualify as a bigger upset than the Giants beating the Patriots in the Superbowl, and the Eagles also win (which everyone seems to be convinced is a distinct possibility), they get to play the NFC title game at home. That’s right. A 9-7 divisional champion will be blessed with a home conference title match-up because of the antiquated and illogical NFL playoff structure.

So, they at least have a lot to play for.

Carolina’s Outlook: Rested, rejuvenated and seemed to be peaking at the right time. Thing is though, for team’s like Carolina I tend to think that the bye week hurts them more so than it helps. This is a team that was fairly inconsistent for the first half of the season, and managed to find some sort of groove with letting DeAngelo Williams’ recently morphed and ‘roided out freak body dictate the terms of the offense and falling back on the passing game when need be. Now, with a week off and a litany of over-confidence going into this week’s game, they could let this one slip away.

That said, I wouldn’t expect that to happen. They’re playing at home, where they’re undefeated against a team that was 3-5 on the road (and all three wins came against divisional opponents, none of whom finished better than 7-9, and they beat San Fran first game of the season when they still had Mike Nolan), snuck into the playoffs by virtue of being in a shitty division and whom many considered to be among the worst NFL playoff teams in the history of NFL playoffs.

In short, the only way Carolina is losing this game is if they fail to take the Cardinals seriously. Given it’s the NFL playoffs we know crazier things have happened. Like Arizona winning last week’s wild card game. Alright, that’s not crazier, but the manner in which they did so was the football equivalent of the Joker’s cruise ship caper.

ESPN Manufactured Storylines: Can Kurt Warner return to the Superbowl one last time? Can Steve Smith refrain from knocking the shit out of his teammates? Can Edgerrin James make himself relevant? Can Tim Hightower break a tackle? Just how good of friends are Larry Fitzgerald and Anquan Boldin? Does Anquan Boldin get hit by the truck, or the truck hit by Boldin? None of these are really intriguing, but throw some up-tempo music into a montage with some sleek looking graphics, and we have a story!

Fantasy Implications: Basically, there are none. But since the URL is talking fantasy football, we have to at least pretend to make an effort. If you’re still alive in the NFL.com 2008 fantasy playoff challenge extravaganza not only can you go fuck yourself, but I would also acquire DeAngelo Williams if you have the means to do so. To be frank, we consider the 42 yards and one touchdown the Cardinals held Michael Turner an aberration, Williams will break off at least two scores against this team. And call me crazy, but since this game is at home I like Muhsin Muhammad as a relative dark horse. He should be fairly cheap.

On the Arizona side of the ball, if you’re going to play anyone, Steve Breaston and Larry Fitzgerald seem to be the only two viable options. Growing up and attending school at FSU, much like his quarterback it would seem that Anquan Boldin never really learned how to perform in cold weather. There won’t be snow on the ground or anything (at least there shouldn’t be), but a cool breeze seems like it could turn him into Freddie Mitchell. I have no idea how this guy can endure a hit like the one he did against the Jets but struggle so mightily in non-ideal climate conditions, but that’s the scenario we’re in.

The Pick: If you couldn’t tell from the fucking screed we’ve produced here, we’re taking Carolina to win. We lied earlier, the line is actually 9.5, and if we we’re going to bet against it, Carolina is still the pick. I’m sorry, but this Cardinals team is about as uninspiring as a playoff team could be. Which I imagine was hard for them to pull off, consider the franchise hasn’t won a playoff game in over a decade.

Back tomorrow with another preview.

And we’re back as promised. I have no idea why other than to serve our OCD. But the NFL has spent so much time and effort on this Playoff fantasy Challenge that I think it’s starting to take its toll on us. We’re now doing the devil’s bidding. Helping the corporate machine indoctrinate the masses. Or at least we would be if anyone ever read this site. I wish I could tell you they were paying me. But no, this is painfully being done of my own volition.

But anyhow, the concept is quite simple. The game allots you 300 units to use on whichever players you see fit. Their values fluctuate based on their performance during the season. Once the playoffs start, you are locked in to those eight players for wild card week. After that, you have eight moves to use at your discretion. The one entry amongst the hundreds of thousands that are sure to participate wins a trip to the Superbowl in sorta sunny, sorta enviable Tampa Bay.

I could think of worse places to spend the first week of February.

The premise is simple in theory but difficult in practice. Obviously you want to take players representing teams that you believe have the potential to advance far in the playoffs, but you do not want to put all your chips in one basket (if that team loses, you’re stuck unloading a good portion of your moves in one week), nor do you want to take just any player off a team that you think will reach the Superbowl, but doesn’t score a lot of points (after all, you have eight transactions at your disposal). It’s something of a balancing act, really.

If you’re at all interested, this is how my roster currently looks:

Matt Ryan: He came relatively cheap at 49 units. I wanted Peyton Manning, but the disparity between what Manning can do to the Chargers and what Ryan can do to the Cardinals isn’t as great as what I expect to see out of some of my other players relative to what their peers offer.

Adrian Peterson: At 50 units he’s fairly affordable as he’s probably the most consistent player in the NFL. I fully expect them to lose, but I just can’t envision a scenario in which he doesn’t explode in his playoff debut, especially since it’s at home. To me, the potential value he offers is worth the likelihood that it will be a one shot deal. I also have my suspicions about Philly, but we’ll get to that tomorrow.

Michael Turner: In short, he’s playing in a dome against a team that hasn’t been able to stop anyone for awhile, especially anyone out of division. Reportedly the Cardinals still have 8,000 tickets available for this game, so I really wouldn’t expect the crowd to be a factor. Not that the crowd has ever been a factor with the Arizona Cardinals.

Vincent Jackson: This is somewhat of a gamble, but he’s playing a team that the Chargers tend to fare well against (at least offensively), he’s at home, and he is a game-breaker. Basically, if San Diego is going to win this game, they’re going to need Jackson and Chambers to deliver in what will all likelihood be a shootout.

Reggie Wayne: He didn’t play too much in Indy’s annual week 17 exhibition. I fully expect him to have used the week off to prepare for a match up against what’s probably the second worst defense in the playoffs. Also, he needs to save some face from a rather disappointing season. Obviously, if you get word that he isn’t playing, go with someone else. But much like with Vincent Jackson, if the Colts are going to win this game, they’re going to need their wide receivers to produce.

Dallas Clark: Simply put, he’s been on a tear lately. And when Indy throws short yardage touchdowns (inside the five), it inevitably is thrown to Clark in a 4 wide diversion set (I just made that phrase up). Also, see Wayne and Jackson.

Neil Rackers: He’s playing at home, made 21 of his last 22 (the one he missed was a 68-yard free kick to end a half against the Giants). Not to mention, I had Vinateri and dropped him in favor of Rackers because I didn’t want three people from the same squad.

Philadelphia’s Defense: Well, they’re playing Tavaris Jackson. In other words, I am hoping for some interceptions and forced fumbles a la the week 17 Cowboys game. I understand it’s somewhat counter-intuitive to take Philly’s defense while the best player I selected is on the opposite side of the ball, but I am hoping Tavaris Jackson will make it all work out for me.

This is all subject to change, so I wouldn’t put too much stock into it (like, for instance, I just noticed that passing touchdowns are worth the same as receiving and rushing touchdowns. Peyton Manning here I come!). But it’s as enjoyable as any other type of low stakes gambling I’ve ever participated in. So even though I am really doing this strictly for the purposes of this here website, I’m not actively regretting it.

Back tomorrow with wild card previews.

Happy new year’s, kids. I hope all is well with you in 2009 and that the evening ends up as eventful as you want it to be. We’ll probably end up going out and drinking and whatnot. But we’d be lying if we said we weren’t tempted to stay home and watch what is scheduled to arrive via Netflix today. Odds are we would if it was offered in Blu-Ray.

Yeah, this could keep us indoors on New Year's.

But enough about social endeavors, let us get to what this site is going to look like come playoff time. Which I suppose is now. Basically, we’re going to be posting at the same frequency (roughly 1.3 times per weekday) but we’ll try to make everything a little more detailed. That is, instead of throwing every game into a single post, we’ll attempt to post on each game individually. Whether we’re going to be able to do this for wild card week remains to be proven.

Also, even though the fantasy football season ended for something like 95% of you on or before week 17, we’ll still be dolling out fantasy advice along with our picks against the line. If you were fortunate enough to find a league that continues into the NFL playoffs or if you’re like us and participating in this NFL.com playoff challenge (more on this later), then maybe you can get something out of it. If not, then don’t read. That’s fine. See what I care. Pssh, whatever. I didn’t want you to read, anyways.

As for line picks, the goal is 11-0. But the realistic expectation is above .500. For whatever reason, we’re feeling confident about calling these games. Which means we’re staring down the barrel of an 0-11 season. As ridiculous as the movie was, Two For The Money brought up a decent point (at least in terms of sports gambling) in that when you begin to get overconfident in where to place your money, that’s when you start to bottom out.

Anyhow, we’ll start posting on them tomorrow, and I’m sure everyone’s top priority on New Year’s Day isn’t watching meaningless college bowl games, but reading this site for gambling/fantasy advice.

If you’re wondering what our plans were for the off-season, I’m sorry, but I’m going to have to leave you spinning in the wind. Because I haven’t the slightest clue, myself. We’ll probably write plenty on the draft and off-season acquisitions/signings that will effect the incoming fantasy season. But, Jesus, everyday? Is that even remotely possible? We’ll probably end up resorting to our more satirical posts, like the ongoing adventures of Larry Johnson, who may have and epic six months of downtime on the horizon.

So, line picks, fantasy recommendations, NFL.com fantasy playoff challenge, 2009 draft. If we can’t find the material to post consistently, then it might be time for us to find another tertiary income stream.

Back with an overview of the NFL.com fantasy playoff challenge later today.

And so ends another year of fantasy football. We’ve had some highs (a six game winning streak) some lows (an 0-4 start that basically kept us out of regular season money) and we owe it all to the Gods of the NFL. And when I say Gods, I mean Bill Walsh, the recently fired Mike Shanahan and everyone else responsible for the standard NFL offensive format (their all pretty much the same).

The luck factor to this season far exceeded that of any before it. At this point, we don’t even want a first round draft pick. We’re like Jimmy Johnson looking to unload Herschel Walker on whatever gullible sap we can put them on for middle-tier picks. I mean, who is instilling any confidence at the running back and receiver positions going into next season? Obviously Adrian Peterson, but after that? We’re looking at Maurice Jones-Drew, DeAngelo Williams and Brian Westbrook. I really don’t feel like any of those three options merit a first round pick.

At receiver it’s worse. I shit you not when I say that Calvin Johnson tied Larry Fitzgerald for the league lead in reception touchdowns. That’s right, the league leader in receiving touchdowns was also a member of the first ever 0-16 team in the history of the NFL. Some might say that this would make him a surefire first rounder next season, but he still plays for the Lions and seems to speak to the randomness of fantasy football. Anquan Boldin tied Randy Moss for second. A receiver who was injured so severely that he basically had a second skull inserted into his head, was one touchdown away from being the league leader, and he would have undoubtedly gotten it if he didn’t miss four games to said injury.

So, who are you liking at receiver? Obviously Braylon Edwards is off the books. Terrell Owens had ten touchdowns but didn’t crack 70 receptions. Not to mention he’s getting old and is unhappy. And we all know what that means: When Terrell Owens isn’t happy, no one’s happy. Somehow he has managed to make himself the unreasonably demanding girlfriend to the Cowboys needy and desperate boyfriend. My guess is the aforementioned Calvin Johnson tops a lot of boards, along with Fitzgerald (though his quarterback situation looks to be in peril), Andre Johnson (who’s as injury prone as anyone), Wes Welker (though he only got in the end zone thrice) and Brandon Marshall (Jesus, really?). Again, I’m just not feeling confident with any of those to comfortably use a first rounder on.

I really think, and this could be completely turned on its head at the start of next season, going with a quarterback in the first round is the safest bet you’re going to find. Depending on how everything shapes out, if you can snag Tom Brady/Matt Cassel, Drew Brees, Jay Cutler, Philip Rivers or Peyton Manning in the first round, you might be well advised to do so. It feels like for everyone of those receivers and running backs mentioned above, you can get someone comparable in later rounds (not to mention get lucky with someone like one of the dozens of players I could name but won’t take the time too). But their is a much bigger drop off from a top-tier to a second-tier quarterback.

/Wild, premature speculation.

Anyhow, just to prove my point, here are five players that probably let you down tremendously in your championship game, written in the same vein as this site.

1) Wes Welker
Just who do you think you are, Wes? You think because it’s snowing you can disappear in a pivotal week 17 game against the Bills? The Bills, Wes? You live in the northeast now, alright. Where the weather can push the ball to the right or left six to eight inches, so buck up and fucking deal with it. Either step-up or prepare to be stepped off, because Robert Craft will fire your ass like you work on an assembly line. Don’t think because you’re white you’ll get any preferential treatment. This isn’t the 1950’s. Two catches for 26 yards is considered a shit game under any circumstances. David Duke wouldn’t want you on his team with those kinds of numbers.

2) Brian Westbrook
Wow, didn’t I just anoint you top five running back status? And how do you repay me? With 62 yards of total offense and a lost fumble? Thanks for returning the favor, man. I could have ran for sixty yards against a team throwing the game. You might have had me fooled with your ankle breaking cuts and combination of strength and speed, but I’m onto you Brian. No one this proficient was ever supposed to come out of Villanova’s football program. You hear me? Nobody. So take your false modesty and head back to the nation’s capital. We hear they love a two-faced aging professional there.

3) Frank Gore
Oooh, 1,400 yards of total offense this season. If it was 1970 I’d be impressed. Also, can we put an asterisk next to your name in the record books so everyone knows that 80% of your production came in about six games of the season? No? Well fuck you then, Frank. I’m onto your Miami-ness. It’s only a matter of time before Mike Singletary puts you out of your injury prone misery with a nice, vibrant pink slip. Especially if all we’re going to get out of you is 64 yards of offense.

4) Maurice Jones-Drew
Considering you’re only five feet tall, do you think you have any longevity in this league? Seriously, you’re career might make Ki-Jana Carter look like Emmit Smith. If anything, We’ll probably see Jacksonville draft another running back to take some of the pressure off Tonttu here, the mischievous miscreant of the Jacksonville Jaguars backfield. Or at least, if we continue down the path that results in 88 yards and a lost fumble,

A visual approximation to what Jones-Drew would look like if he were Finnish.

5) Brandon Marshall
Does one even qualify for this list if he’s always on it? We grapple with this every week for Marshall, Marvin Harrison, Cris Cooley and anyone on the Browns. But Brandon, you managed to finish third in the league in total receptions, how is it that your fantasy output barely breaks the shoe size of a two year-old. Don’t think because you have one of the cooler sounding names in the NFL we won’t call you out on your bullshit. 6 catches for 55 yards? Thanks for not getting shut out against one of the worst defenses in the league. I really appreciate it.

Honorable mention: Jamal Lewis, Vincent Jackson, Matt Forte, Willis McGahee, Clinton Portis & Santana Moss.

Back tomorrow with playoff previews.

Here’s the second slate of games for the last weekend of the NFL regular season. I can’t really call it the second “half”, because their is only six of them. Thank the NFL and their absurd scheduling for this gross inequity in the two posts. I’m not assuming blame for this. See this? (rubs hands together vigorously) This is me washing my hands of the situation. I will not be held responsible.

Home teams in CAPS.

NEW YORK JETS -3 Miami
Line Pick: I know New York is destined to win this game, just to piss me off, but good lord have they looked terrible. Are they getting three just because there will probably be snow on the ground? That seems awfully tentative. I guess I’ll go with common consensus just because the Jets couldn’t sink any lower than they have, and they have won games against New England and Tennessee. But I do not feel good about it. At all.

Fantasy Advice: I would not suspect anyone other than Ronnie Brown and Thomas Jones are going to have solid fantasy games here. Maybe Dustin Keller or Coles will do right by you, but it doesn’t really feel like it has the makings of a high scoring game.

PHILADELPHIA -1.5 Dallas
Line Pick: This is a brutal game to pick. Both are going to go full throttle. Just because. Not for any particular or tangible reason (though I suppose Dallas could still make the playoffs, I have no idea what the tiebreakers are and everything). The only team with playoff talent that is more finicky than Dallas is Philadelphia, but Philly’s at home and it should be in extreme conditions…We’ll take Philly to cover, mostly because we want to see Dallas barred from the post-season. Not because we have any strong convictions one way or the other.

Fantasy Advice: Philly has a top three secondary and a questionable run defense, so go with Tashard Choice assuming Barber is still sidelined. Owens’ vindictiveness is unparallel, so you might see him break off a long overdue two touchdown game. Witten should have a big game because Philly’s linebackers do not offer much in the way of pass coverage. Otherwise…I think you’re looking at a standard fantasy guessing game. Curtis and DeSean Jackson are both worth considering, but look at Philly’s point totals for the past six games: 13, 7, 48, 20, 30 & 3. It warrants mentioning that the only two home games in that mix were the 30 & 48, but those were against Cleveland and Arizona. As much as we like to mock Dallas’ defense, they run circles around the two of them.

Ladies and gentlemen, your 2008 Dallas Cowboys.

Basically what I’m saying is, I have no idea what the fuck I’m talking about.

ARIZONA -6 Seattle
Line Pick: Wow. I guess I have to take Seattle given how Arizona has looked as of late. But have the Cardinals sunk so low that they can’t find the heart to beat a team in their own beshitted division? I think they may have. And anyhow, they can still win, just by less than two field goals. They only beat the Seahawks by six in Seattle, and that was a month and a half ago when people were still buying into the Cardinals as a legitimate playoff contender. Yeah, we’re feeling confident in the Seahawks now. Nice job, Cardinals.

Fantasy Advice: Despite the pick of the Seahawks, we like virtually every startable Cardinal to produce. Unless they’re playing the Vikings, they seem to be a little more comfortable at home. Or rather, they look like they’re in outer space when on the road. Which is ironic, because I’m pretty sure that dome they play in used to orbit the moon. On the Seahawks side of the ball, everyone and no one is viable. This Cardinals defense could give up 40 to the Lions at this point, but we’re still talking about Seneca Wallace here. Despite the piss poor defense, I’d be hunting for alternatives.

SAN FRANSISCO -3 Washington
Line Pick: I’m taking the Niners specifically because they’re not the team traveling cross country. I think this game will prove just how inexplicable every game the Eagles play seems to be and confirm Mike Singletary’s return to San Fran next year where he can set the blog world ablaze with his unorthodox motivation tactics, and insipid reporters can ask him awkward an misinformed questions about his departed idols.

Fantasy Advice: I don’t really have any sleepers to recommend, unless you still consider Isaac Bruce a sleeper. I don’t think you can, since he has managed to crack 20 fantasy points in three of his last five games, and he broke ten fantasy points in the other two he didn’t manage a touchdown. If you have any faith in a Washington offensive player that isn’t named Clinton Portis, then you’re a better man than I.

BALTIMORE -12.5 Jacksonville
Line Pick: I think with San Diego now having a chance to make the playoffs and the Browns residing in Cleveland, we can safely say that Jacksonville was the biggest disappointment of the season. A 12.5 point dog to a team with a rookie quarterback, and to be honest, I don’t know if it is big enough. Last year, in this same situation, I don’t think Balmer even scores 13 points, now they’re favored to win by that much. Unreal. And yeah, we’re picking the Ravens.

Fantasy Advice: So it appears I can’t mock Jacksonville receivers anymore. At least not Dennis Northcutt at home against the softest defense making the playoffs this side of Arizona, San Diego & Denver. So yeah, we expect him to be shutdown and shutout, because he’s their best option now. We tend to think even Jones-Drew is going to struggle in this game, despite getting all the carries because Fred Taylor finally remembered he’s in his fifties. The Ravens are supporting a healthy stable of running backs that are sure to see a lot of yards and a lot of carries. And based on Reggie Wayne finally producing last week, we like Derrick Mason and Michael Clayton to have similar performances.

SAN DIEGO -8 Denver
Line Pick: The Sunday night game couldn’t be more appropriate. Two underachieving teams struggling to win the second worst division in football. We like the Chargers to ultimately win this, but 8 is entirely too high. Denver is still coached by Mike Shanahan and they still have Jay Cutler. Not to mention that San Diego is a tad prone to losing home games in dramatic (traumatic?) fashion. Yeah, they really should pull out the W if for no other reason than their defense can occasionally (if infrequently) make a stop. When they played at the beginning of the season Denver won by a single point at 39-38, not that much has changed. San Diego to win, Denver to cover.

Fantasy Advice: I’m not sure what the fantasy equivalent of “bet the farm” is, but do that. Anyone whose anyone I would start in this game. Except for the defenses, of course.

That’s it for the week, enjoy the games. We’ll be back on Monday to do a retrospective of sorts.

Alright, we managed to find the time to post the first half of our picks today. So brace yourselves, the holidays are about to get explicit. And by explicit, I mean slightly sarcastic and pessimistic. Oh yeah, it’s going to be crazy.

Also, I know the holidays are a time for self-reflection and giving. So I would just like that reflect on the fact that I went 11-5 last week, and give anyone who actually reads this site some more advice to put them in the red. We didn’t do so hot in the Sunday afternoon-Monday night games (a shittastic 3-4), but damn near swept the Thursday night-early Sunday games (a virile 8-1, God damn, Niners. I’m probably the first person all season that this team actually induced anger rather than pity from).

That brings our season (AKA five week) record to 43-33-4. I know it’s completely invalid to make exceptions like this, but if you took out our one losing week, we’d be sporting a 38-24-2 record. Not to be too self-aggrandizing, but if you had put $50 on every game and taken our picks for those four weeks and for some reason didn’t heed our advice in week 15, you’d be up a little less than $700. Again, you’re welcome.

Anyhow, onto the picks. These are always tentative because you have to adjust your expectations based on who is going to rest their starters and who isn’t. Usually you can make an educated guess, as an example: I suspect this Titans-Colts game might be a race to see whose least interested in winning. I certainly wouldn’t use it as a barometer for whose going to the Superbowl.

ATLANTA -14.5 St. Louis
Line Pick: This Rams team has really been pissing me off as of late. I don’t think I’ve correctly picked for or against them in the past three weeks, and its usually been some fluky bullshit as to why not. But with Atlanta soundly in the playoffs, I think I like St Louis to cover. That is lacking confidence to be sure, because this Rams team is awful and the Falcons might want to put on a spectacle for the home crowd. But St. Louis is going to be trying, as they seem to like Jim Haslett enough to want to convince management to keep him around. I have no idea how you justify that, though. Either putting money on this or keeping Haslett.

Fantasy Advice: Well, I like Jerious Norwood to just wreck this already hobbling St. Louis defense. While Atlanta might want to win convincingly, there is no doubt in my mind that their going to play it safe with both Matt Ryan and Michael Turner. If you are actively participating in a championship game, bench virtually everyone whose isn’t in a contest contingent on making the playoffs. On the St. Louis side I can’t recommend anyone. There are too many available replacement players and backups that would serve you better than anything the Rams can guarantee.

New England -6.5 BUFFALO
Line Pick: Now this is dicey. I could totally see a scenario where Buffalo closes out the season being bracket buster to both the Patriots and the Broncos, getting their fans all riled up as the season winds down, then either moving to Toronto or having an epic collapse from their current state of mediocrity in 2009. On the other hand, this is the Patriots competing for a playoff spot against a team that is 1-5 in division. We’ll take the Pats to win by roughly ten or twelve, and get snubbed from the playoffs while a team they trounced last week by 37 hosts a wild card game.

Fantasy Advice: I don’t know, we’ll definitely find out how similar to Tom Brady Matt Cassel can be in this game. Basically you can’t go wrong with any of the stalwarts in this game. But since they run four different running backs and are playing a team a tad more interested than the Cardinals, I’d stay away from all of them. Also, I’m a little concerned about the Bills. I have no idea the strength of Belichick’s will, and if he wants to clobber his opponent in this game just so he and Boston Sports Nation can get all petulant about not being in the playoffs, then I’m afraid that is completely possible. Much like the Rams, I’d probably avoid every player on the Bills.

CINCINNATI -3 Kansas City
Line Pick: These are two teams that have looked a little more lively just in time for the season to end. We have no idea how motivated either of them are going to be, but we’ll take the Chiefs solely because they’re getting points. Also, Cinncy might be a little over-confident after being the fifth consecutive defense to shut out the Browns. I wish I was kidding.

Fantasy Advice: This seems like the type of game that Housh would shine in, and that KC defense has a lot of holes. You probably aren’t going to go wrong with either him or Benson. For KC, do we have any idea who there go to guy in the backfield is? Is it Larry Johnson? I swear I haven’t heard his name mentioned for about two months now. Go Dwayne Bowe or do not even bother with this team.

If it wasn't for that Lions game, this game might induce the most suicides. Now both franchises can just thank God they're not the Lions or Packers.

GREEN BAY -9.5 Detroit
Line Pick: The sadists game of the week. We do not care how bad this Lions team is, we expect them to at least come out of the gate with some intensity. Hopefully that will carry over into the second half. We’ll take them to cover, and potentially (but probably not) beat a Green Bay team that just might consider the 2008 affair a disappointment. I can’t bet on this game, though. It feels immoral. Almost like wagering on bum fights or something.

Fantasy Advice: Kevin Smith should be useful, as should Calvin Johnson. We don’t want to get to excited with recommending you start Detroit Lions, though. For the Packers, as is the case with every team playing the Lions, everyone is a viable candidate. With Green Bay’s receivers, it’s tough to pick just one. We say you hedge your bets on this. If you have Greg Jennings, also plug in James Jones to improve your position with Aaron Rodgers.

Tennessee -3 INDIANAPOLIS
Line Pick: This might be the closest thing to a circus we’ve seen from two playoff bound teams. Both Jeff Fisher and Tony Dungy are way too pragmatic to actually give a shit about making a week 17 “statement”. Let me put it this way, whoever wins this game will probably lose if they square off again in the post-season. At least if both teams are trying. Since Indy seems to have struggled regularly with pedestrian teams (Lions, Jags, Browns, Chargers, Texans), well take the Titans to cover. Though there is no way we’re taking Indy to beat them in the playoffs so don’t listen to us. We’re a walking bag of contradictions.

Fantasy Advice: Anthony Gonzalez. That’s all I’m going to say for the Colts. He seems to be their only offensive weapon that is listed as questionable/probable/doubtful every week, so the risk in playing him is considerably lower. Also: Dallas Clark. Who was for this the first time since his injury listed as questionable for last weeks game against the Jags. As a result he ripped off over 100 yards receiving and a touchdown. For the Titans, this might be a LenDale White special. If it starts to get embarrassing (for him and the Titans), they might put in a third stringer or even Johnson for a handful of carries. Really, though, I like White going against this run defense.

MINNESOTA -6.5 New York Giants
Line Pick: Uhhh, I know they’ve clinched everything but this is still the Giants that the Vikings are playing, right? You know, the same Giants that went full throttle in week 17 against the Pats last year even though they couldn’t improve their position as the 6th seed in the NFC. Given, the circumstances are different. But the idea of the Giants being a 6.5 point dog is a little too much for me to accept when Tavaris Jackson is quarterbacking the opposing team. I’ll roll the dice on the team that has nothing to play for, simply because I think should they meet again, the Giants would rather play the Bears than a team with Adrian Peterson coming out of the backfield.

Fantasy Advice: Well, Adrian Peterson, of course. Ahmad Bradshaw (who’s a perfectly suitable starter, much less a backup) should see a lot more carries than usual. Derrick Ward needs 52 yards to break 1,000, so that might be incentive for Coughlin to play him more than he should, unless the front office intervenes because there’s a bonus to be had if he breaks that milestone. It’s a judgment call, really. I also like both tight ends for differing reasons.

Carolina -3 NEW ORLEANS
Line Pick: Yeah, we like New Orleans to win this outright. We still are not all that enamored of Carolina, especially on the road. And New Orleans is still trying to put Drew Brees over the 5,000 yard mark for the season. Not to mention they’re 6-1 at home (accounting for all but one of their wins) and have an offense that’s as potent as any in the league. Oh, and Carolina’s coming off a game where they gave up over 300 yards on the ground. I don’t care who you are, if you’re giving up that many rushing yards, then I expect to see a Lions or Chiefs logo next to your name, not an emblem that indicates you’ve already clinched a playoff spot.

Fantasy Advice: Everyone seems to be a viable candidate in this game. I would steer clear of Jonathan Stewart, however. I know the Saints have a shaky run defense, but he’s not exactly himself without the cozy confines of whatever you call the stadium the Panthers play in. But yeah, Thomas, Williams, Smith, Muhammad, Moore, Colston: You have the green light on all of them.

PITTSBURGH -10.5 Cleveland
Line Pick: I have no idea if the Steelers are still playing for anything and frankly I don’t care. Not only are they at home and these two are pretend rivals, Cleveland couldn’t muster a single field goal against the Bengals in their own stadium, much less a touchdown. I fully expect the Browns to finish this season without having scored and offensive touchdown in the last six weeks of it. My God. You know, I am always hesitant to claim something best/worst of all time, usually because it sounds simple-minded and impossible to quantify. But with Ken Dorsey lining up under center, I don’t think I’ve ever seen an NFL team worse than these Cleveland Browns. And yes, I am including this years Lions, who I think would mop the floor with Cleveland if they were fortunate enough to be playing them on Sunday.

Fantasy Advice: Whichever Steelers running back is healthy because everyone will want to get this over and done with as quickly as possible. If Cleveland is going to score, it won’t be via Braylon Edwards that does it. I do not like any of these players going up against Pittsburgh’s defense, but you might be able to find a dark horse in Josh Cribbs or Jerome Harrison. Especially if Crennel would go out with a little foresight and given his options, play Cribbs at quarterback. But I wouldn’t hold my breath.

TAMPA BAY -13 Oakland
Line Pick: Much to our chagrin, JaMarcus Russell has looked surprisingly adequate the past couple weeks. But with Tampa vying for a playoff spot at home I have to take them to cover. Especially since they lost 34-7 in the last road game they played. And that was just down the coastline. Oakland is traveling cross country and playing a 1PM EST game. That’s just cruel.

Fantasy Advice: Well, all of a sudden Tampa is running three running backs between Dunn, Graham and Williams. So your guess is as good as mine. Antonio Bryant is the closest thing to a lock on this Buccaneers team. Take that for what its worth. On Oakland: No one. Unless Johnnie Lee Higgins comes through for all us loyal members of Raider nation.

HOUSTON -2.5 Chicago
Line Pick: Houston seems to be one of the few teams that excels at home compared to on the road, but the Bears are playing for the playoffs. In short, I have no idea what’s going to happen here. Just because it wouldn’t make any sense based on what happened in week 16, I’m taking the Texans to cover and follow through on the back-to-back 8-8 seasons that I’m sure Texans fans fucking love. But this is one game I’d avoid like the Sex and The City movie.

Fantasy Advice: Kevin Walter and Andre Johnson always perform. Even against defenses as staunch as Chicago’s. Ironically we’d stay away from Matt Schaub, as we see him throwing 2-3 interceptions this game. Matt Forte is about the only player on Chicago anyone can ever recommend. If anyone ever tells you to start Devin Hester and attempts to give some long-winded explanation as to why, stop him in his tracks and tell him he’s an asshole. This might seem harsh, but there is no reason for anyone to ever have a “hunch” about someone like Devin Hester on this Bears team. Greg Olsen is pretty much the only other player you can take a risk on.

Alright, that’s it for the 1PM games. 4PM and prime timers later today.

Since we kind of forgot that Christmas was this week, we neglected to adjust our schedule and post our weekly “These are the people you should be unjustly contemptuous towards” a day early. As a result, we’re going to take timeout of our day tomorrow to post the first half of our picks or we’re going to do them all on Friday. Hopefully, and I know it’s almost unavoidable, this doesn’t ruin the holidays for you. Because I’m tryin’, Ringo. I’m trying real hard, to post sufficiently and in a timely fashion.

And since it’s the holidays, even though we lost our fantasy playoff matchup in the most agonizingly painful way imaginable*, being the good Samaritan that I am, we’re going to do a top five unexpectedly stellar performances from the week. Even though we can’t really think of any off the top of our head, unless you think two running backs breaking off more total yardage and touchdowns than they have all season against a top ten run defense qualifies? No? Yeah, then we’ll have to look this up.

1) Vinsanthe Shiancoe
From exposing himself in the locker room to having a breakout season, this guy has been everywhere. After catching seven passes for 136 yards and two touchdowns, he makes our cut as well. Let’s put it this way, anytime an eligible receiver on the Vikings goes for over 30 points in my fantasy league, he’s making this list. And unless something unthinkable happens, like Braylon Edwards living up to his name for two straight weeks, he’ll generally make the top spot.

2) Tavaris Jackson
After a slow week, Tavaris is getting on this list mostly as a result of that and diminished expectations. Over three hundred yards of total offense and two touchdowns is a great game for just about anyone, but naturally Tavaris had two lost fumbles to accompany it, so we put him here at #2 and his teammate at #1. Man, you have to wonder how they lost this game with two participants in their passing offense having such great fantasy games. Oh, that’s right. The two fumbles.

3) Dennis Northcutt
For starters: Holy shit Dennis Northcutt is still playing football in the NFL? I remember when he was with the Browns recovering onside kicks. Secondly: A Jacksonville receiver not named Matt Jones finally came through with a big game? It’s a little late and they still lost to the Colts, but we’ll acknowledge Mr. Northcutt’s performance, and most likely pick against them in our lines on Friday.

Man, I really hope they've since taken that banner down.

(Note: we would put David Garrard on here, but sine he had relatively lofty expectations at the beginning of the year and has failed to meet them in every conceivable way, we’re deeming him ineligible).

4) LaMont Jordan
You could probably just throw every single Patriot onto this list (outside of Randy Moss and Wes Welker) and no one would argue. But holy hell, remember when LaMont Jordan was going to turn around the Raiders running game after being signed from the Jets as Curtis Martin’s backup? Yeah, neither do I. But someone told me about this during the game. And now here he is, accumulating 78 rushing yards and two touchdowns in what seemed like a single quarter of play.

Probably a good indication that you’re not ready for the NFL playoffs is that you’re giving up 18 fantasy points to players like LaMont Jordan. And it’s not even done so deceptively. New England was setting up in run formations with him as the lone back, handing it off and letting him run wild all over ‘Zona. I have no idea who the Cards are playing in their first hosted playoff game in a half century, but I’m willing to give the points.

5) Devard Darling
He is making this list solely because we’ve never heard of him until Sunday and he was the runner up for our Tim Hightower Week 16 recipient. Darling amassed 3 catches for 69 yards and a touchdown against the Dolphins, which is an admirable performance for anyone. But there were less obscure names with higher production totals that we snubbed because this is, like we mentioned earlier, a very slow week for unforeseen great performances. So we put the fifth year vet from Washington State in our five spot.

Honorable mention: Cedric Benson (171 yards, one fumble lost), Ted Ginn (75 total yards, 4 receptions, one rushing TD), Justin Gage (5 receptions, 104 yards & 1 TD), JaMarcus Russell (236 yards, two touchdowns), Marques Colston (9 receptions, 99 yards, 2 TD’s)

Back tomorrow or Friday with advice and picks for the last week of the season. Have a happy holidays and we’ll see you all on Friday.

*= Not really, but the hyperbole makes it so relatable.

You guys know me, I don’t like to complain. But the result of yesterday’s fantasy matchup was just a little too much for me to keep my mouth shut. For starters, the three guys I had playing in the Thursday night game racked up 75 points for me, with seven players left to my opponents 8, I felt like I had it in the bag. Well, going into the Panthers-Giants game I was sporting a 40 point lead with Jon Stewart left. In short, the person I’m playing decides to start Derrick Ward and Brandon Jacobs. Ward goes on to reach milestones that we haven’t seen since Jim Brown, and Brandon Jacobs rushes for three touchdowns, only to give one of the more incoherent post-game interviews I’ve seen this side of Lloyd Carr.

Whatever, the guy who beat me hadn’t once scored over 130 points all season, out of nowhere he goes into Monday night with 157, and still has his kicker going. I would just like to point out that Ward and Jacobs have not managed to have simultaneous serviceable, much less great fantasy performances in the same game. My opponent was hedging his bets to what some might say a comical degree and it managed to payoff. Not only did he get over 300 yards of total offense and three touchdowns out of it, he also got a win and a chance to play in the finals. Where the likelihood of such a thing happening again is a virtual impossibility.

There are a couple things I could have done differently, namely switched out my kicker (Neil Rackers) for someone off free agency and played New England’s defense instead of Minnesota’s. But even with Arizona’s tribulations in cold weather, I would have never thought they would look that bad. Ever. So I passed on New England’s defense which is known to give up points and kept Neil Rackers in for the same reason. Not realizing that the Cardinals were basically the aliens from Signs.

Speaking of which, is there an outside shot that Ken Whisenhunt and the Cardinals are putting us on, and losing these games so spectacularly to keep the other five NFC playoff teams on their heels? He had to figure they weren’t getting a bye, so why not just bottom out and lead everyone to believe you’re a pretender going into the playoffs at 8-8? I mean, I would assume it was just the weather (as we’ve gone over before), but they made Tavaris Jackson look playoff ready at home last week. And I am skeptical that anyone is this effected by some frozen water. I know I sort of conceded that they were just a second ago, but I still do not believe it.

Also of interest from that game: Considering Randy Moss has eleven touchdowns on the year and it’s considered under-performing (it’s less than half he had all season), I think it speaks in droves about this New England team and Moss himself. He’s tied for the league lead with Boldin and will break 1,000 yards receiving again next week against Buffalo. In short, he’s still the best receiver in the game, he just can’t have Aaron Brooks, Kerry Collins or Andrew Walter throwing to him. Wait, that’s not even remotely fair. What I meant to say was: he can’t be in a Raiders uniform. I would assume the problems with Raider nation are more systemic than just the plethora of sub-par quarterbacks they’ve had since Rich Gannon retired. No team is that unlucky.

So we're all in agreement? This Never happened, right?

Well, except for the Browns, that is. Right now that entire city is still demanding playoff like performances from their team, and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, Cleveland. But it’s never going to happen. At least not in 2008. Your team hasn’t scored a touchdown in five straight games, before that they pissed away three losses and managed to break all sorts of records while doing so. Right now, this is the only team in the NFL that would be a dog at home against the Lions.

And it’s nothing personal, Browns fans. They just really are not that good. They all seem to be reading from a different playbook, Jerome Harrison and Donte Stallworth do not see the ball nearly enough, not to mention all of your receivers are disgruntled and your coach looks scared shitless every time they pan to him on the sidelines.

But all of that is moot, really. Because you’re not going to be winning games in the NFL with Ken Dorsey as your quarterback. He threw three interceptions, and if you’re wondering what that brings his touchdown-interception ratio to after three games and a quarter, it’s 0/8. I guess the Browns finally decided to put him out of his misery and send Gradkowski in, who managed to add a fourth one to that, making Cinncy’s sporadically feisty defense look like the ‘85 Bears.

Personally — and this is just my opinion — if they wanted to play a quarterback from a north Ohio MAC school, they definitely went with the wrong one. Josh Cribbs has probably thrown the best looking passes the Browns have produced in the past three weeks. He played quarterback at Akron and if nothing else, he can bide his time with scrambling and even gain yards on the ground. That alone makes him a better option that Ken Dorsey.

Oh well, at least they managed to make the other half of the state feel a tad better about the state of their team. If nothing else, Kirk Fitzpatrick seems to have grown into a suitable backup for the 2009 season. And really, that was all the Bengals were going to get out of 2008 anyways. So long as they didn’t go winless and there were signs of improvement, I say this in all seriousness, the Bengals couldn’t have expected much more from the season.

Sure, you could have expected them to prepare themselves better for the inevitable injuries that plague every team these days, but the circumstances being what they are (Carson Palmer out, and aging offensive line and Chad Johnson, no reliable running back), a potential 4-11-1 season isn’t look so bad. Right now they’re one of the better really bad teams in the NFL, on par with the Seahawks. Bang up job, Mr. Brown. With any luck you can draft the next Chris Perry in 2009.

Moving on.

As expected, Detroit was blown out by a Saints team that’s attempting to get their quarterback over 5,000 yards, because if they’re not going to compete for the playoffs, they want to at least showcase that they had the best quarterback in the league for the 2008 season. Anyhow, Detroit has one last ditch effort against a defunct and indifferent Green Bay team next week. I actually consider this must watch television, which should tell you something about how lightly I take the NFL. At least they have an army of draft picks for next season even if it still won’t be enough to right the ship. Then again, maybe I shouldn’t speak so hastily, look at the Dolphins this year.

On a fantasy related note: I take it all back, Marques Colston. I take it all back. I still manage to lose in heartbreaking fashion this week, but by golly for once it wasn’t because I drafted you in the fourth. I don’t want to give you too much credit, all you had to do was put up a decent game against the Lions. But all we ask when it comes to fantasy football is that you refrain from making us look idiotic. Thomas Jones made us look ridiculous in 2007, and made us look even more so this year when we passed on him form (gulp) Kenny Watson. That’s what he gets for putting up Ki-Jana Carter like numbers in 2007, he gets to make me look like a spiteful idiot.

(Back to the Bengals running game for a second: what the fuck happened with Kenny Watson anyways? Is there a reason they benched their leading rusher from last season, after releasing their leading rusher from the previous four seasons other than to feel validated in that horrible Chris Perry draft pick in 2004? Ladies and gentlemen that make up Bengal nation: This is why your team’s running game isn’t any stronger: Spite. Unfortunately for you, they’re running an actual NFL franchise and not a fantasy team).

There was a lot to get to from the past week, in real and fantasy football alike. We’ll try to cover it later today. And if you’re an avid reader of this site, you know that in no way is that going to happen.