Fantasy Football

I think it warrants mentioning that I went 10-4-2 against the line in my first week doing this. If you had the rare combination of wealth and stupidity, I could have made you rich last week. If, however, you missed the boat last week and are hoping on the bandwagon this week, you’re most likely destined to end up in a men’s shelter. But me not dolling out advice as to how to use your money is like John Madden not muttering incoherently about Turkey legs on Thanksgiving, so we have to do it regardless.

...And who can blame him?

Despite my optimismI still advise you to find an alternative to the NFL for your sports gambling. I will concede it is generally much easier to pick against the line in the last eight weeks than the first nine. There is too much fluctuation for 70% of the teams in the league nowadays (New Orleans, Atlanta, San Diego, Jacksonville, Cleveland, Arizona, Seattle & Green Bay have all gone the unexpected way) to even pretend to know what you’re doing; especially in the first four weeks of the season. Basically, unless you’re immensely lucky, you’re just throwing money to the house. You might as well donate money to a Clinton campaign. At least they have the nerve to out and out ask you for it.

Anyhow, we’re going to combine our fantasy recommendations along with our picks, because what we did last week was completely illogical. Everyone better hope that we start failing on these picks, because we’re never going to shut the fuck up about it otherwise.

(Home team in caps)

Tennessee -11 DETROIT
Line Pick: Detroit has lost virtually every game by over two touchdowns, and usually they weren’t playing teams that win over 90% of the time. Tennessee is coming off a blistering loss against one of three teams that will rival them for the conference title, look for them to dispose of Detroit quickly and comfortably.

Fantasy Advice: Surprisingly, I’m going to recommend starting LenDale White. I am always reluctant to do this myself, but after his blowup during the Jets game and subsequent apology, look for Jeff Fisher to give him a surplus of carries in a game that doesn’t require a breakout performance from Chris Johnson. Why do I think this will happen? Because for the most part, the Titans are ran by adults both on and off the field. They didn’t toy around with suspending, accepting, signing, cutting Pacman Jones. They drafted him, played him, he got into trouble, they suspended him; he got into trouble while suspended and they traded him to Dallas for ten cents on the dollar. Similarly, LenDale didn’t get any playing time and expressed his dissatisfaction at an inappropriate time, promptly apologized to coach Fisher and his team, now Fisher will probably reciprocate with a healthy workload tomorrow afternoon.

DALLAS -12.5 Seattle
Line Pick: Somehow, someway, Dallas is giving up more against Seattle than Tennessee is against a winless team. They’re at home, maybe? I have no idea. But if Dallas can put down San Fransisco with ease, I don’t see why they couldn’t do the same with Seattle. As much schaudenfreude as I got out of Dallas’ recent failures, I think hanging on to that win against Washington saved their season, and beating the Seahawks by 13 fits into that equation.

Fantasy Advice: Jesus, I have nary a clue as who to recommend amongst the receivers in this game. If you’re feeling desperate or worried about Plaxico Burress playing one down before retiring to the sideline for the requisite 58 minutes, I guess you could plug in either Branch or Engram going up against a still overrated secondary. On Dallas’ side, they’re all viable options but there are no guarantees. Is anyone feeling confident about Roy Williams having a big game, or Owens having two productive games in a row? Won’t Jason Garrett use Owens as a decoy this week just to show Jerry Jones what a genius he is? Not that you wouldn’t play him anyhow, but Barber will have a monstrous game if given 20+ carries.

PHILADELPHIA -3 Arizona
Line Pick: Alright, I was listening to Colin Cowherd at work today, and was absolutely stunned when Trey Wingo and/or Mark Schlereth both picked Philly to win this game. They claimed Arizona (specifically, Kurt Warner) struggles playing in cold weather and that would certainly explain the points they are giving up, but Philly has looked absolutely terrible in the past three weeks. Like, terrible past the point of redemption.
The Eagles are basically playing for not only their season, but the current makeup of their franchise. If they continue to lose like they did against Baltimore, you’re going to see McNabb be released, Reid fired (which we’re not sure we agree with) and a one or two year rebuilding process (potentially longer or shorter depending on who they bring in to coach). If you think they are up to the challenge of diverting all of that, then by all means, pick the team that tied the Bengals to cover three against a 7-4 team. Personally, I have to take the team with the second best offense in the league against a team that looks more and more like the Raiders on the offensive side of the ball, not to mention they gave up 36 points to a rookie quarterback. Take Arizona with the points.

Fantasy Advice: Breaston and Fitzgerald will thrive in this game, as they are both accustom to playing in cold weather (At Pitt and Michigan respectively); and Boldin could rack up 20 fantasy points in Libya or Antarctica. Philly, however, doesn’t offer any real dogs or reliable fantasy players. Pick up Lorenzo Booker and hope that Buckhalter and Westbrook (who are both listed as questionable) end up sitting this one out.

Enjoy the games, back Friday with the rest of these.

Here’s the second part (not really a half) of your fantasy football recommendations. Part 1 is directly below this post, or, here.

Oakland @ Denver
Jay Cutler, Brandon Marshall, Eddie Royale should all have stellar games at home. I wouldn’t go near anyone on Oakland outside of whichever running back is set to get the majority of the carries, that is if you can make sense out of that team. Taking a baseball bat to a beehive is a more tenable situation than the Raiders franchise. I get the feeling that within the next five years they’re going to end up playing in Vancouver.

Feeling appreciative today.

Washington @ Seattle
Like we said yesterday, the only thing Seattle has going for them in this one is they’re playing at home. We like Washington to cover and for Portis to have a big enough game that they plug Betts in their for a good amount of carries in the second half. On the flip side of the ball, look for Deon Branch to find a garbage touchdown in the dumpster that is the Washington sports scene.

NY Giants @ Arizona
This is the only game that’s even watchable for the 4pm slate and its the game of the week. Actually, we do not have it documented or anything, but it might be the best week 12 game in the history of week 12 games. Expect Arizona to be forced to throw to Breaston more often than not, and for The Giants to open their offense a bit more than weeks past and go downfield to Burress and others (Hixon, Tyree, Toomer). Not to sure we won’t see a few picks from each quarterback in this one.

Carolina @ Atlanta
I like Michael Turner and Michael Jenkins to post big numbers in this one. Since all these NFC South teams turn into the Lions when they’re on the road, I can’t recommend anyone on Carolina other than Jonathan Stewart, who is about four weeks past due from taking over the starting running back position.

Indianapolis @ San Diego
All of the mainstays on Indy should have solid games. I am so down on this San Diego team I’ll go ahead and say you should pick up Darren Sproles for next season. Maybe Gates or Chambers can come through and deliver for their disgruntled fantasy owners, but this Indy defense is actually rather tenacious with Bob Sanders in the lineup. I say this needing a big game out of Vincent Jackson.

Green Bay @ New Orleans
I say this as an owner of his, if you have a viable alternative, do not start Marques Colston. Everyone likes the idea of a fail safe on Monday night and the Saints are at home, but trust me on this. He hasn’t practiced all week, his knee is still bothering him and New Orleans has plenty of options at receiver between Moore, Meachem and Henderson. Naturally, this means I will watch my own player catch 100 yards and two TD’s on Monday night, but I’m fine with that.

Enjoy the games.

Late, late start this morning. So late that its now the afternoon. Whatever. We’re extending our weekend preview so it’s a little more comprehensive and doesn’t feel like we’re just pulling names out of a hat. Here’s who to look out for and who to avoid in each game on Sunday.

Tampa Bay @ Detroit
Not a lot of muscle in this one. Detroit starts an overweight receiver who was retired as of three weeks ago, and Tampa’s starting a running back who’d been on injured reserve for the past 18 months. Probably the best your’re doing out of this game is Tampa’s defense, followed closely by Calvin Johnson. There are several dark horses and it is anyone’s guess if someone emerges from Joey Galloway, Shaun McDonald, Kevin Smith, Antonio Bryant or Mike Furrey. Garcia could piece together a solid game as well, but no one is on bye week anymore so there’s no reason to care.

The best the league has to offer.

NY Jets @ Tennessee
Plenty of players here but two stingy defenses. None the less, we like Chris Johnson and Justin Cage to break off pretty big weeks. On the Jets side, expect Dustin Keller to extend his run of solid games as Favre is going to be rushed like crazy, and he seems to be settling into a comfort zone with his tight end. Thomas Jones has been coming on strong lately but this Tennessee defense rarely gives up good games to running backs. As for the Jets receivers, Favre distributes rather evenly between Stuckey, Cotchery & Coles. It’s anyones guess who actually comes through with a big game.

Buffalo @ Kansas City
Good lord, what a fucking eyesore. I’d probably rather watch the MLS title game. Well, that’s not entirely true. I don’t want to start saying things I can’t take back. But who does this game appeal to outside of diehard fans for the two franchises? Anyhow, look for Dwayne Bowe and Marshawn Lynch to rack up some points. Fred Jackson (whose college is listed as “Coe”) is a good contingency plan for your deeper leagues.

Chicago @ St. Louis
Matt Forte. And with no Stephen Jackson, the best we can recommend is Donnie Avery for a 12 person league. We can’t recommend anyone on that offense be used regularly otherwise until Jackson comes back.

New England @ Miami
People are going crazy acquiring Jabbar Gaffney & Benjamin Watson after last weeks game. Listen, if Matt Cassel has to throw for over 400 yards for those two to produce respectable numbers, then I wouldn’t expect it to be a regular occurence. You are better off going with Keller, Miller or Boss as supplemental tight ends. On Miami’s side, Ted Ginn has really started to come along accordingly, and Greg Caramillo is their new Wes Welker. Their old Wes Welker doesn’t catch touchdowns and might be rendered worthless if you’re not getting points per receptions.

Minnesota @ Jacksonville
Adrian Peterson is almost guaranteed to rip off 150 yards rushing on Sunday, so I’d start him. That’s my expert opinion. Other than that, I’d stay away from all Jacksonville and Minnesota receivers unless Matt Jones is still waiting on appeal and you are in a 18 person league. Maybe you could start Bernard Berrian under circumstances that allow for more options, but in a ten person league I guarantee there is a better option on your waiver wire.

Philadelphia & Baltimore
Man, outside of the obvious we really can’t recommend anyone from this game. Obviously you start McGahee and Westbrook, but we can’t adamantly suggest anyone else. Maybe DeSean Jackson or Derrick Mason. I don’t know, pick your poison. One recommendation I do have: be ready to pull the trigger on Corell Buckhalter and snag him off waivers before anyone else. I’d just go queue it up right now, honestly.

Houston @ Cleveland
Based on what Lynch and Jackson did to Cleveland last week, I’d plug Slaton into your flex and not look back. Quietly as it’s kept, Kevin Walter is in the top twenty receivers regardless of how you score your fantasy league so he is a definite as well as Johnson. As for Cleveland, I’d expect big weeks from Winslow & Edwards, but since I have no idea whose going to be quarterbacking the team ten minutes into the first I can’t really do that. Question: How can Romo break his pinkie finger and be sidelined for a month, while Quinn can break his index and play two days later?

San Fransisco @ Dallas
Vernon Davis should be poised to light up this Dallas secondary, Gore should also have his usual 90 yards and a touchdown performance. Dallas is spread almost too thin between Owens, Austin, Crayton, Witten and Williams, but depending on the depth of your league there is an outside shot that every single one of them will start in your league this week. Really the only expectations we have on that side of the ball is for Barber to rack up about 1,000 points, and for Tashard Choice (the understated rookie out of Georgia Tech) to get about twenty percent of the carries, one of which may or may not go for a touchdown, making him a viable starter in a 14 person league.

Just like yesterday, we’re going to break this up into two posts: the 1pm games and the 4pm through Monday night games.

We’re foregoing a recap of last night’s hotly contested game that took place on Neptune. Apparently they can only get a decent cable connection from Venus to Ganymede. Anyhow, we have to get on the road so lets get right to this, here are five options to consider when setting your starting lineup for Sunday.

1) Donnie Avery
They’re playing the Niners this weekend and you might be somewhat weary of putting him in after the looked relatively strong on defense on Monday. Well, first of all, the Niners gave up 29 points, so your perception is skewed like Dan Snyder’s perception of the salary cap. Secondly, even if the Niners did shut down the run better than expected, they gave up huge fantasy games to Breaston, Fitzgerald and especially Boldin. If Avery is like anyone on Arizona, it’s Boldin, and he’s also in between their second and third option, so he should gets some touches. At least more so than the past couple weeks.

2) Muhsin Muhammad
He’s been tinkering with mediocrity as of late, and barely put up a respectable game last week despite catching a touchdown. But who do they have this week? The Lions. The same team that is almost destined to go winless. The same team that appears to have lost its collective will and is unable to rebound. Enter one of the more overlooked second receivers in the league.

3) Matt Ryan
This has all the makings to send the Ryan for MVP talk into overdrive. At home, against Denver, coming off a big win and looking down the road to an easy schedule. Yeah, I see Ryan not only “game managing” this one, but taunting the already starving Denver defense with a smorgasboard of points, like everyone does every week, except for Cleveland in the fourth quarter of last Thursday’s contest.

Does anyone actually buy these calendars?

4) DeSean Jackson
One word: Cincinnati. He sort of came out of hibernation last week to rush for a touchdown and tally four catches for 61 yards, but there is no telling what a guy with his speed is capable of doing to an anemic defense like Cinncy’s. Assuming he doesn’t spike the ball before crossing into the wrong endzone, we like him as a starter this week. In fact, just throw the entire Eagles roster into your lineup if possible, Shaun Andrews is even 3/1 to recover a fumble and run it in for a touchdown.

5) LenDale White
The beast is back, and ready to plow over the suddenly paltry Jacksonville defense like Ralphie May sumo-wrestling a toddler. Assuming the diabetes doesn’t take his site before Sunday’s game, we see not only a couple goal line touchdowns for the USC alum, but also some yard production. Just be weary of any distracting meals being consumed near his sideline. Things can get ugly when LenDale’s blood sugar is low.

Probably it for the week. Enjoy the games.

We haven’t done this in a couple weeks despite suggesting we’d make it a weekly feature. And it’s a bit premature, but here are some ideal replacements for injured starters in the oncoming week of fantasy football. Actually, it isn’t premature at all as there is a game tomorrow night. That game might not exist to us because it’s on NFL Network, but it exists to everyone else apparently, so we might as well knock this out of the way.

1) Antonio Pittman
It stands to reason that you have no idea who this is unless you live in Ohio or St. Louis, but he is Stephen Jackson’s backup running back and looks to see the majority of carries out of the backfield. He didn’t exactly set the world on fire against the Jets, but they have the Niners this weekend. And the Niners don’t have anywhere near the run stopper of Kris Jenkins. After watching him run for three years at Ohio State, trust me, this kid can run given modestly favorable circumstances.

2) BenJarvus Green-Ellis
I kind of can’t stand this guy because he represents the overt and unapologetic random nature of modern day NFL running backs. At this point, running backs are to the NFL what peripheral actors are to television sitcoms: utterly replaceable. We wish him all the best but what he means for the league is pretty infuriating from a fantasy perspective. But he will get the majority of touches because Bill Belichick merely tolerates Kevin Faulk, he doesn’t actually like him. If Ellis hasn’t already been acquired in your league (and we would like to join your league if that is the case) you would be wise to do so post-haste.

Switching Becky's on Roseanne had no impact on the ratings, just like switching running backs rarely effects a game's outcome.

3) Cedric Benson
You won’t believe me when I say he actually looks serviceable for the Bengals, so let me just offer some numbers and wild speculation as to what those numbers mean: In his most recent game against the Jags he rushed for 104 yards and a touchdown on 24 carries. The most vital part of that stat line for fantasy? The 24 carries, as it looks like they are veering more towards him than the fumble prone Chris Perry, not to mention that the game against the Jags was the first they won all season. They are playing the Eagles who have upped their run defense from years past (though Jacobs still diced them up on Sunday night), but the Bengals are coming off a bye week. We aren’t guaranteeing a 100 yard, two TD game, but we are pretty certain he will get 70% of the carries against an over-confident Eagles team.

4) Dominick Rhodes
The Colts have one of the worst running offenses in the league and Addai, though he will play, still looked pretty hampered in the Steelers. We believe that Rhodes is still the inferior back, but if they are splitting carries about evenly (as they appeared to be doing against Pittsburgh), they are going to try and rest their top-tier player and throw Rhodes out their more frequently against the lowly Texans, whose defense is reminiscent of the Dick Vermeil Chiefs who started onside kicking midway through the third quarter in the playoffs a few years ago.

5) Ledell Betts
Clinton Portis is questionable (he probably wouldn’t play if they were going tomorrow night), so picking up Betts and waiting out the final verdict probably isn’t the worst strategy. If Portis does play, fine, just put him on the bench and play whoever you were going to in lieu of the backup. If he doesn’t, then you have a running back who’ll get over 60% of the carries against a banged up (albeit determined) Dallas defense. There is no downside to the proposition unless you have some sort of sentimental attachment to your bench players you’re never going to start in the first place.

Back later with something.

You know how to determine if someone has a loaded fantasy team? When that someone is in a ten person league and sends you a text message asking, “Who should I start: Gore, Parker or Chris Johnson?” You should start go fuck yourself because if these are literally three players you have to choose from, unless your quarterback is Jim Sorgi you are probably steamrolling your fantasy league.

Switching topics, it’s only week 10 and we’re really fucking sick of writing for this site. I’m not sure what happened, but when you are writing about fantasy football for seventeen straight weeks it begins to feel really redundant. Case in point, here are five players to look out for tomorrow.

1) Shaun McDonald
We would feel a lot better about this with Orlovsky playing, but we trust that Culpepper can actually get the ball to the best open receiver. More often than not, that should be McDonald. With Roy Williams being sent to Dallas for a litany of draft picks that are going to turn the franchise around, McDonald is the perfect second option at receiver: Not a world beater and not Todd Pinkston, but he is skilled and under the radar just enough that he can put up some numbers.

2) Jamaal Charles
No Kolby Smith, Larry Johnson is out searching for a soul, the rookie upstart should get virtually every carry out of the backfield against a paltry and miserable San Diego Chargers defense. We know what kind of year it has been for rookie running backs, if everyone else’s success is any indication then Charles very well might break Adrian Peterson’s single game record.

3) Michael Turner
He’s been suffocated a little from his strong start this season. But these NFC south teams seem to come out the gate swinging when they are playing each other at home. Atlanta hosts New Orleans, and I expect them to overrun them at the line of scrimmage like every offensive line seems to do. What I’m trying to say is, every offensive lineman in the NFL is on steroids.

4) DeAngelo Williams
Sigh, we’ve mocked Williams numerous times in the past for his insufficient sumanotype for the NFL, but with Jonathan Stewart doubtful for tomorrow’s game and Oakland as their opponent, I’m liking Williams’ chances to have a good game. He might even get a yard for every pound he has in his tiny little body.

5) Vincent Jackson
Coming off the bye week, playing the Chiefs, putting up numbers like he was supposed to for the past two seasons, playing the Chiefs, if these aren’t reason enough to put him in the flex position, then I envy your roster and resent your good fortune/aptitude. These things happen when you start Braylon Edwards against your better judgment and he only scores two fantasy points. Asshole.

Enjoy the games tomorrow.

After this week every team will be officially halfway done with their season. And if you are under the impression that it hasn’t flown by, then you clearly do not watch enough NFL commentary, and good for you. There probably isn’t a thing on this planet that a faction of people take too seriously like NFL pundits’ regard for professional football. You would think they were debating the merits of the two party political system with the vitriol, frankness and doomsday seriousness with which they discuss the Rams defense. It’s the Rams defense, gentlemen. It has never been better than serviceable. You are allowed to treat it like the joke its perennially been.

Never the less, should the topic be broached it is turns into heated debates that obviously last through commercial breaks and guys leaning across the desk and using dramatic hand gestures to emphasize a point. Basically, everything that everyone attempts to convey turns into a stump speech. And to be perfectly honest, this would all be well and good but a healthy amount of them are idiots. Either ex-jocks who got the position solely because they are ex-jocks, or self-important analysts who more so than anything look like they are still pining to sit at the cool kids table. In more ways than one, it’s embarrassing.

With that said, we still love watching the games, particularly this season. Maybe because we have a viable future bet, our team is turning out a Bad News Bears like performance, with everything from the slow start to the rebound; or the team we root for is a Superbowl contender if they stay healthy (Eagles), but for whatever reason we are taking more to the NFL this year than to college. That is something we never thought we’d say. We might start going to church regularly just to avoid the Sunday morning regurgitated talking points.

If you thought a picture of an NFL cheerleader in a Halloween costume wasn't obligatory, you probably haven't been reading the site very long.

Onto the guesses…

1) Kurt Warner
He’s playing San Fran, who is just a mess at the moment to the point where the coach is the least reliable person on the payroll, and the rest of the offense isn’t that far behind. Additionally, this is the best Warner has looked since he went to the Superbowl with the Rams, and he has three great receivers to choose from that dwarf the trio he had in St. Louis at the time.

2) Kellen Winslow
You heard it hear first (as far as I know), but Winslow will have a monster game coming off his bullshit, unwarranted suspension. For starters, they are playing Denver, who sports one of the three worst defenses in the league (the other two being Cincinnati and Detroit, to give you an idea of how good their offense is). Secondly, Winslow strikes me as the type who performs well to spite his employers. Sort of a “You see what happens when you fuck Kellen Winslow in the ass?! We could have beaten Jacksonville by 40 if you didn’t suspend me!” approach to these circumstances. The anti-Randy Moss, if you will.

3) DeSean Jackson
He’s kind of tinkered off a bit since the beginning of the season, but going up against Seattle who’s banged up on both sides of the ball with a healthy Brian Westbrook…we fear for the Seahawk faithful. The only thing going against him is it’s on the road in probably the most deafening stadium in the league, and we’re concerned about what Seattle sports fans might be capable of should the Seahawks be ran out of their own building. Between that and the start of the NBA season (and Philly recently winning the world series), things could get out of hand real quickly. Pay that no mind, though. DeSean’s life won’t be in jeopardy until after the game.

4) Matt Forte
He’s playing the Lions. Start him in front of Adrian Peterson if it’s an option. At this point we’d start Rick Moranis if he were playing the Lions.

5) Joey Galloway
His second game back since being on IR for the six weeks prior to it. Last week they played the Cowboys, and yes, he looked rusty and underperformed against one of the worst secondaries this side of the Broncos without Champ Bailey. But he is approaching 40 years old, I remember him playing in the kickoff classic for Ohio State. This week, he gets the Chiefs, a fantasy owners wet dream opponent. Expect Galloway to catch at least one touchdown.

Might be it for today, we’ll see how work goes.

Welcome back to yet another installment of weekly guesses that speculate as to who will have better weeks than expected. This can range from a top-tier player that is going to absolutely tear his opponent apart, or a pedestrian to shitty player who will put up at least a marginal week. This, as always, is completely subjective, arbitrary and probably not worth the time it will take you to glance at it. But our track record is probably as good as anyone’s, so even if you don’t agree with us you have a devil’s advocate. You’re welcome.

1) Clinton Portis
He was questionable heading into last week’s game against Cleveland and still put up 175 yards rushing and a touchdown. This week they play the Lions, and all my questions have been put to rest. Portis very well may set a couple records in this game, including “most carries with a former MVP backing him up” and “Number of opponents helmets knocked off in a single game”.

2) Steve Breaston
Assuming Boldin still doesn’t play (and he really shouldn’t), Breaston has been an absolute stud since his injury, and coming off the bye week we expect that to continue against the Panthers this Sunday. Why he was considered so much closer to Jason Avant than Braylon Edwards coming out of Michigan is beyond us, but the NFL is funny like that sometimes, in that it ignores basic common sense. Keep your eyes peeled for updates on Boldin’s status before you heed this advice and scamper off to throw him in your starting lineup and ignore it until Sunday at 1pm EST. We will not be your scapegoat.

3) Maurice Jones-Drew
Going against Cleveland, Del Rio is going to feel even more compelled to increase Drew’s workload as a result of coming off the bye week, and residual animosity towards Fred Taylor’s DUI. The fact Taylor beat Del Rio in the ping-pong tournament at the retirement home isn’t helping matters either. We’re feeling confident about this one.

4) Donnie Avery
He really began to come on last week against Dallas, and Avery along with the rest of his team is prime to capitalize on that momentum against the Patriots on Sunday. They are on the road, but with a competent coach actually calling plays and an aging receiving core, this rookie just might make a run at Rookie of The Year honors if he keeps this up.

5) Ben Roethlisberger
An odd selection at #5, but the Steelers are weakened at running back against a quality defense, and the Giants front seven is still hampered from lingering off-season injuries. We fully expect Big Ben to tear the marginally improved from last year but still mediocre secondary of the Giants apart. And yes, this hurts to say with a 20-1 future bet on the G-Men, but it seems more likely than not to happen. In short, if you have a choice between Kyle Orton and Roethlisberger, I would go with the latter (Yes, that is actually an option worth considering. And yes, I am going to regret typing that last sentence).

That’s it for the week, enjoy the games.

Over the course of the past few weeks, I think I’ve figured out how to properly utilize certain players for the duration of the fantasy season. It has taken me awhile, as some would consider me quite inept in all facets of life, particularly analytical ones, but here me out. I think these could be of value to your fantasy success.

LenDale White: If he is playing at home, against a shitty defense and Kerry Collins is still their quarterback. Under these circumstances, White is an asset. Under normal circumstances (on the road, average opponent, Vince Young at QB) he is a black hole of worthlessness. For instance, in week eight they are playing Indianapolis at home on a Monday night, considering the only offense that the Colts looked even serviceable against was the Ravens, who currently start a quarterback that was playing teams like Robert Morris last season, I think you would be well advised to start White if he is indeed an option.

Braylon Edwards: Only start Mr. Edwards if Kellen Winslow isn’t playing and the Browns are at home. Last week he put up 2007 like numbers against a somewhat depleted Giants defense and with Winslow on the sidelines for private (read: genitalia related) medical reasons. Yesterday they went on the road to Washington and he proceeded to drop four passes and only made his stats look respectable in the last three minutes of the game. He clearly has some sort of mental block when on the field at the same time as Winslow, in fact the entire team seems to share the same affliction. Except for Jamal Lewis, it was probably those two months he spent on the inside that hardened him to the presence of such an insufferable bloke.

Any player from any team in the NFC South: We are not one to cast aspersions, but the dichotomy between these teams on the road and at home is absurd. How mentally unprepared and inept can one be that playing on the road is that much of an team obstacle. Basically, the only team that will have any chance of reaching the Superbowl out of that division is the one that wins it,a s they can pray for home field advantage. Right now that looks like Tampa Bay but they do have Jeff Garcia splitting time with Brian Griese at quarterback, in other words. I wouldn’t put money on it.

The Patriots: Every other week. That’s it. It doesn’t matter who they are playing, where they are playing them at or what injuries they may have. If you have any Patriots on your roster, play them every other week. This include Randy Moss and Wes Welker. If you look at their first six weeks, they haven’t strung together back-to-back wins or losses, nor has their offense or defense played exceptionally well in either loss (which have come at the hands of the lowly Dolphins and the under-performing Chargers).

We’ll continue with these realizations as they continue to dawn on us. Right now we have to go ponder last night’s Mad Men episode, because it was that fucking good. Back later (possibly early evening) with top five surprises from week seven.

With the NFL season just clocking away weeks at a seemingly expedient rate, we still have virtually no idea where anyone stands. All we can say is its a good thing that there is a playoff, unlike college football where you are essentially building a resume more so than anything else. With the NFL, the teams that had the statistically best seasons make the playoffs in they settle it on the field in December and January, single game elimination style.

If only fantasy football were so fair.

How many times have you seen people lose games despite having the second highest score for the week. That is the nature of head to head (you might as well not have an opponent if you’re doing total points), but man does it sting when you drop 150 on someone and they return the favor with 170 right back.

Point being, it is very important that you guess right, especially on bye weeks, here are five guys to watch out for in week seven of the 2008 football season.

1) LenDale White
This might seem somewhat self-aggrandizing since we have him on our roster, but they are going up against Kansas City coming off a bye week, and no one thrives off of a bye week more so than a fat man. That includes the offensive line. We are assuming that they will run all over the Chiefs so much that certainly Chris Johnson won’t get all the carries, am I right? Right?…Where’s everyone going?

You better use White for this game, Edwards, because he might not be good for a few weeks afterwards.

2) Dominick Rhodes
We’ve mentioned it before, but there is no Joesph Addai or even Mike Hart to eat up any of his carries. We are sure they have someone else in their arsenal but he shouldn’t be anything more than a third down back. Not to mention that they are playing Green Bay, who are inexplicably in the bottom five in the league against the rush. If there is any chance that he hasn’t been consolidated in your league, then by all means pick him up yourself. Even if you don’t intend to start him, at least you eliminate the option for everyone else in your league. The best way to win in fantasy football is to horde as many players as possible. So go ahead and cut ties with Kyle Orton, you won’t feel the loss.

3) Marc Bulger
New coach, banged up Dallas secondary that they will being going up against (which admittedly, might be an improvement) at home, and a big win last week against Washington. We’ve been down on him and this team all season, but feel like this is an opportunity to actually live up to the expectations he has been withering under for two seasons now.

4) Matt Cassel
In short, they are playing Denver at home. Denver’s defense might rank amongst the worst I have ever seen on a team with a winning record. And right now the Patriots are working on an every other week sort of thing. After getting curb-stomped by the Chargers, I think they are ready to take their sorrows out on another AFC West team.

5) Sammy Morris/Kevin Faulk
For all the same reasons as Matt Cassel, including injured starters.

Thankfully and mercifully: It’s Friday. We can finally look forward to two days of potentially sober football viewing. Honestly, we can’t recall ever being so over-extended in recent years. This is either the sign of a privileged lifestyle, or indicative of how much shit we’ve done in the passed four or five days. It’s probably the former, but it is so much more fun to create something to bitch about.

Here are five players with usually pedestrian expectations that you should expect a relatively gargantuan week from:

1) Ryan Grant
In short, he is playing Seattle. If the Giants — even as good as they are — can light them up for 44 points without their best playmaker, then certainly Ryan Grant can rack up around 100 yards and a couple touchdowns, right? I mean, he wasn’t just a fluke for the last eight weeks last season that is going to mail it in with his new contract. Heaven’s no. That type of thing only happens in the NBA. Well, it happens with rookies in the NFL because their contracts are so rewarding. So we never find out if they are busts or just don’t give a shit from the get go.

2) Fred Taylor
A bit of a slow start this season (not as slow as I had anticipated when I drafted Jone-Drew with the last pick in the third round), but despite the loss he looked frisky against Pittsburgh. Who is Fred “I decided to wait until the tail end of my career to get a DUI” Taylor playing this week? Denver. It is at Mile High, but that defense in recent weeks has us ecstatic that we didn’t lay down that future bet we had intentions of doing when in Vegas. Whichever team from the NFC east that makes the Superbowl would eat them alive.

3) Chester Taylor
His carries have been reduced even more so in Peterson’s second season. But with them playing the Lions this week, unless Peterson is set to break his own single game rushing record, expect Taylor to split carries a little more evenly. As they should have this win wrapped up by mid-second quarter.

4) Derrick Mason
Yes, Baltimore’s historically bad offense is once again unbelievably inept. But Indy’s defense always manages to breakdown and give up more points than they ever should. If they can manage to contain Dwight Freeney, who turns 70 next week, Flacco might be able to get the ball out to his best receiver for a couple big plays.

5) Ladell Betts
We generally do not care who they are playing, if St. Louis isn’t in a bye week, we are putting a backup running back or a second team receiver from their opponent on this list. This week’s default entry because they are playing the Rams? Redskins running back Ladell Betts. Betts managed to fill the void while starter Clinton Portis missed the majority of the season with injury. Now with Portis back and as effective as ever, Betts has taken a secondary role. Expect Jim Zorn to give Betts the garbage carries as the crown eagerly chants his last name a la Rudy.

Back later with something equally insightful.

Thursdays always tends to be the slowest news day in the league. Unless some coach is getting fired (Justly or unjustly), there is rarely anything worth mentioning, and we can only lecture on the tenants of fantasy football for so long before it seems uninteresting and trite. If the writer isn’t even remotely interested in what he’s expounding on, then what chance is there for the reader to feel any differently. This might be an ongoing problem the next couple of weeks, mainly because the only time the NFL or college football take a backseat to anything is on weekdays during the baseball playoffs.

As of now, the three biggest news items today — which are actually left over from yesterday that we posted too early to mention — involve three players that were technically not in the league as of Tuesday: Cedric Benson, Vince Young and Travis Henry. So naturally, there isn’t a rush of fantasy football participants dashing for the waiver wire with the onset of these developments. So, what do we have to do other than make another top five list? We’ll make this one…top five replacements for your bye week.

These are players that may still be on your waiver wire and may have already been acquired by the overly-aggressive participant in your league. This guy tends to also be the most melodramatic when he experiences a run of bad luck, and enthusiastic when things are going well. In other words, he cares more than everyone else, and during fantasy football season he is borderline intolerable to be around. Anyway, here’s your five best potential options for this weekend:

1) Warrick Dunn
I haven’t the slightest clue what is wrong with Earnest Graham, Carnell Williams or any other running back the Buccaneers had under the age of 33, but the seasoned vet looked in rare form last week against Green Bay. And yes, between Lorenzo Booker, Leon Washington, Greg Jones and Warrick Dunn, the one who was on their national title team with Charlie Ward in 1993 is your best fantasy option from Florida State.

It warrants mentioning that Charlie Ward retired from the NBA three seasons ago.

2) Derrick Ward
Only God knows how Tom Coughlin is going to play his running backs, but when you are looking to fill a void for one week and one week only, Derrick Ward is a suitable replacement in the hope he will break off a couple big runs and maybe score you 10-15 points. Who knows, maybe Brandon Jacobs will sustain his annual ankle injury in the first quarter and you’ll get 15-20 carries from him.

3) Antonio Bryant
Another Buccaneer but this one is at wide receiver. We’ve been on the Broncos bandwagon since earlier this season, but that defense is susceptible to giving up large point totals. If you absolutely need a receiver and are looking for a good matchup, the dejected Cowboy Antonio Bryant might be one of your better options.

4) Greg Olson
Tight ends are a pain in the ass and I am of the mind that they shouldn’t be fantasy options. Or rather, they can be but they line up at receiver. As of now, their bye-week is just one more caveat to fantasy football that is beyond any realm of control. Because, honestly, picking up a backup tight end successfully deserves about as much credit as the kid who fires up twenty half-court shots before hitting one of them: it was completely out of his hands and he was lucky on one occasion.
With that said, Greg Olson became something of a target for Kyle Orton last week. More importantly, they are playing the Lions. They could bring back Cedric Benson for this game and he’d rack up twenty fantasy points.

5) Miles Austin
This Cowboys receiver is getting the go ahead since Wade Phillips has such an aversion to running the ball, so why not pick up their third or fourth option in the passing game. I mean, he had a touchdown last week, right? They lost last week unexpectedly and are playing Cincinnati, so they are bound to run up the score. Eh, whatever, take this advice at your own peril.

Might be it for today, exceptionally busy at work once again.

As I understand it there are two different types of popularized salary cap leagues: One played with real money in which the market dictates each players value. And the other with fake money in which multiple teams can acquire one player, and that players stock either rises or falls with each passing week depending on performance. If the players stock rises, you can trade him out of his increased value or keep him on your roster.

If it wasn’t obvious from the intro, I joined a salary cap league with the latter. I would have been willing to do join a pay league, but it is through my Chiropractor with a bunch of strangers, so my input was expendable. (I am twenty-six and go to a chiropractor on a weekly basis while surrounded by geriatrics and whiplash victims. With any luck a picture of me will never make a public website, but you should be able to assume that I have a body of an eighty year-old man.)

But within the confines of the rules I am confined too, I like the change of pace. Basically, we all start out with $50,000,000 of fake money, we have to fill 12 roster spots (three receivers, three running backs, two quarterbacks, a defense, a tight end and a kicker) all of whom start and we have an unlimited number of transactions before the first week of the season. Meaning, if I bought one player then thought better of it, I can sell him and acquire someone else with the newfound available cap space.

Given the prices of the players, this is all a lot more difficult then it sounds. Basically, you want to buy low and sell high, or at least relative to how you think they will perform against their peers versus where they are priced at. For instance, I bought Ted Ginn for $2.15 million. If he pans out and becomes an elite receiver, his stock will rise potentially to that of a Chad Johnson who’s worth $5.25 million (I have no idea what the degree of fluctuation is like). I can then either stick with Ginn or trade him out for a better receiver or an upgrade at another position.

While a traditional fantasy league ironically is more akin to starting a business, the salary league is like solving a weekly puzzle. You are just trying to procure the best pieces to sufficiently complete it. You could, in theory, have the top twelve scorers every week if you play your hand right. This of course is highly unlikely; but is ultimately the goal. For the hell of it, here are the players I took for my twelve spots.

Quarterbacks
Drew Brees: $8.5 million
Matt Hasselbeck: $ 6.75 million

We went high on quarterbacks because we feel like out of the three major positions, the elite quarterbacks are more reliable than the elite players at running back or receiver. We still might swap out Hasselbeck for Matt Schaub ($5.35 million) and upgrade at wide out. You will see why in a minute.

Running Backs
Brian Westbrook: $9 million
Julius Jones: $5.52 million
Jonathan Stewart: $4.8 million

We bought pretty high with running backs to, and we expect this portion of our roster to have a much higher turnover rate than any other. But you have to have an arsenal of players and we feel like Jones and Stewart, while priced a little higher than we would like to see relative to their peers, we are still getting a bargain price for how their seasons will turnout. We were torn between Stewart and Mendenhall, but since Willie Parker will probably eat up a lot more early carries than DeAngelo Williams we went with the Oregon alum. Of course, we drafted Brandon Jackson in the seventh round last season, so it is best not to listen to us.

Receivers
Jerricho Cotchery: $5.25 million
Ted Ginn: $2.15 million
Bryant Johnson: $1.15 million

This is where it gets dicey. Because while I over-indulged at quarterback and running back (particularly quarterback), we looked for value at receiver. Cotchery will have a huge season that will land him in the top ten for receivers. We are certain of this. Ted Ginn is the top wideout and return man on a Miami Dolphins team that can only improve. It is with Bryant Johnson we feel like we are playing roulette because of how anemic the Niners offense has been since Jeff Garcia left town. Still, it’s only for a little over a fiftieth of our cap so it isn’t much of a gamble, plus we like that he will be starting with a new team with a new offensive coordinator (Mike Martz) and potentially a new quarterback in San Fran.

It's probably not a good sign that of the first twenty images on a Google image search for Ted Ginn, 14 of them he is in OSU garb.

Tight end: Jeremy Shockey, $3.3 million
We are mulling this one over still, but we initially bought Tony Gonzalez and sold him to upgrade at running back.

Defense: New York Jets, $2.35 million
This will probably change every week for us based on match ups. The Jets week one opponent? Miami. It kind of contradicts our Ted Ginn pick, but we’re alright with that.

Kicker: Mike Nugent, $1.2 million
Whatever. He has looked bad in the off-season but we expect him come around. This is also dependent on match-up but won’t change as much because it is blind luck.

After doing an overview we realized how monolithic our selection of players is. Essentially, if he isn’t on the Jets, Seahawks, Saints or our favorite team, or didn’t go to Ohio State, then his name is Bryant Johnson or Jonathan Stewart. This will probably hurt us, but it is for fun and experimental so we really don’t give a shit. We are still tinkering with this team and fully expect it to blow up in our face.

Back with something you might actually care about later.

Sorry for the incredibly late post. We have an explanation over here, but if you don’t want to click on the link, long story short is: we had to give a coworker a ride to the mechanic. If we didn’t have to do that, this would have been posted at least five hours ago. If it makes you feel any better, said coworker is now on our shit list.

But anyways, given the likelihood that everyone reading this is only drafting one tight end, one kicker and one defense; we decided it is better to cram them all into one succinct post instead of trying to think of something clever, insightful or interesting to say about Mason Crosby.

So, hear is Talking Fantasy Football’s top ten of each of these three positions:

Tight Ends:

1) Kellen Winslow - Everything he did last season plus whatever comes with a year’s experience.
2) Jason Witten - Can block, but basically a second wide out.
3) Antonio Gates - Ditto
4) Tony Gonzalez - …And now with a second year starter.
5) Jeremy Shockey - Very tempting to put as high as two, but we’ll play it conservatively.
6) Todd Heap - So long as Troy Smith is the quarterback.
7) Alge Crumpler - Should rebound with a QB that doesn’t like throwing to shitty receivers.
Dallas Clark - Always reliable.
9) Chris Cooley - underused and still finished sixth in overall scoring.
10) Vernon Davis - Is fully capable, just waiting on team catch up with him

One name we intentionally left of this list is Heath Miller. Why? because fuck Heath Miller. We’ve over-drafted him each of the past two seasons when he should have broken out, but since he is such a skilled blocker, they divy up tight end plays between him and some other white guy who was too slow to be a linebacker. So fuck the Steelers with a pineapple.

This might be too light, proper vindictation might have to be one of those square watermelons.

Defenses:

1) Minnesota - Just hope Tavaris doesn’t throw too many interceptions deep in their own territory.
2) San Diego - Always rated highly, and always live up to it. Last year they led the league in production.
3) Green Bay - Balanced defense with no glaring weaknesses.
4) Jacksonville - They lost Marcus Stroud, but still have a loaded attack.
5) Tennessee - Should only get better, but they have the same liability as Minnesota.
6) New England - Sometimes on the field too long, and rarely have long breaks as the offense scores quickly.
7) Tampa Bay - As balanced as Green Bay, just not as good.
New York Giants - Will they create the same pressure in the backfield without Strahan? We tend to think so.
9) Seattle - Great at home, vulnerable on the road.
10) Dallas - Should improve, but we’re reluctant to believe it.

When it comes to predicting the success of a team’s defense, few things are more imperative than schedule. Which we didn’t look at before determining these rankings. Heed this advice at your own peril.

Kickers

Top Five:
1) Nick Folk - The variables that make up a kickers strength: Accuracy and the offenses ability to move the ball. Folk has both in spades.
2) Adam Vinateri - Google him if you don’t know why.
3) Phil Dawson - See Nick Folk.
4) Shane Graham - NFL in Ohio will at least excel in something.
5) Jason Elam - You have a better suggestion?

Bottom Five:
1) David Akers - His performance parallels McNabb’s health over the past five seasons.
2) Rian Lindell - Who? Also, he plays for Buffalo.
3) Joe Nedney - He could be the next Vinateri, but he plays for the Niners so we’ll never know.
4) Justin Medlock - He made one field goal last season.
5) Whoever Miami’s kicker is - He’s Miami’s kicker.

My apologies for being so brief and I can assure you this site will not typically operate this way. The frequency and depth of the posts will be something in between today and the rest of the week. Also, who the hell wants to read paragraphs about the fantasy outlook for kickers?

Back Monday with something other than a list.

With quarterbacks, rankings of these nature tend to be a lot more straightforward. Everyone, including someone as dissenting as myself, can agree to a certain extent, where each quarterback will rank amongst his peers. Not only that, but there are no more than thirty-five of them that anyone is going to draft and the variation will be diminished by default. So for other positions, when we did five to avoid, it was relative to where you would have to draft them. For quarterbacks, it is more along the lines of these guys will ruin your week should they start for you.

1) Vince Young
Do not believe that he is going to bounce back from a dismal second season. He might come through in the clutch and make big plays in big moments, and they may even go to the playoffs. But drafting him for those reasons is like seeing a Judd Apatow movie for the Oscar potential. We did elude to the Titans having an improved offense with the acquisition of Alge Crumpler when hyping LenDale White, but we suspect the improvement will be minimal, though enough that the running game can carry them even further. They still have no noteworthy receivers and the offense will still be primarily on the run.

2) Alex Smith
Stubby fingers McGee has yet to live up to his #1 overall pick hype, and even with the improvement that will come with Mike Martz play calling, we aren’t expecting Smith’s production to be proportionally improved. Basically, if he were a receiver and caught for the amount of yards he is going to pass for this season, he would be a dead lock for the pro bowl.

3) Marc Bulger
Just like with his top receiver and partner in the backfield Steven Jackson, we expect Marc Bulger to produce about the same type of season that he did last year. Long story short, Bulger was cut in our league about halfway through the season. 11 touchdowns, 15 interceptions, and under 3,000 yards, albeit that was only in 12 games, but that would only increase his interception total to twenty.

4) JaMarcus Russell
He’s in pretty much the same boat that Matt Ryan is, only with more contention within the team. Sorry Oakland fans, but Russell is a player who built his reputation off one bowl game against Notre Dame (probably one of the worst defenses to ever play in a bowl game) and your front office bought the hype. If you are in a position where you have dug yourself into a hole and are looking for a starter; and think that maybe, just maybe, JaMarcus Russell can make this offense respectable, please reconsider.

If we are comparing former SEC quarterbacks, he is no Jason Campbell.

5) Aaron Rodgers
For obvious reasons. We actually thought he would be effective and assimilate to the system he has been studying for three years quite smoothly. But his predecessor who refused to be his mentor has done everything he can to prevent a smooth transition. We are actively rooting for him, but think he is almost damaged now. Green Bay is basically the hospital in One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest at this point, he wasn’t crazy until they sent him there.

Rounding out the top ten, most of these probably don’t need mentioning, but we will anyways:

6) Any QB for the Arizona Cardinals: The receivers are moody, the running backs are pedestrian, Leinhart and Warner’s positions are tenuous. It’s a poor mans Rodgers-Favre situation.
7) Either Buffalo quarterback: See #6.
Jeff Garcia: Damn near forty and adversely effected by Brett Favre melodrama. Plus his best receiver is the same age he is.
9) Either Chicago quarterback: Unless your league is relegated to NFC North players, it shouldn’t be hard to avoid Grossman or Orton.
10) Tavaris Jackson: Probably the worst starting quarterback with job security in the history of the NFL. I’m harsh but fair.

Cover tight ends, defenses and maybe kickers tomorrow.