Fantasy Football

So a few follow up comments that seem to be lingering from the Super Bowl. We meant to get to this yesterday, but as we mentioned over at Grid Effect we were at work until 7PM and that means two things: 1) We were actually busy and couldn’t get around to posting anything, and 2) we were too tired when we got back from work to be hassled with it. So, here we are. And its almost good we got the extra day to get a general picture of how everyone is reacting to everything.

For anyone complaining about the lack of a review on Arizona’s final play of the game: There were five seconds left and you had roughly half the field to go. While I think you were robbed of the opportunity for a win and the audience for an even more satisfying conclusion (as it looked like an incomplete pass to me), the refs certainly didn’t steal the game from you. Santonio Holmes and Ben Roethlisberger took the liberty of doing that.

Much like every year in the Super Bowl, there are a plethora of players on the winning team who could be awarded MVP. Harrison took himself out of it with that personal foul on the punt that pinned them even closer to their own end zone, so it was between Roethlisberger and Holmes. Considering Big Ben threw an interception and Holmes was his primary target the entire game (though Heath Miller may have been for the first half), I am content with Holmes being awarded the MVP. As great as Roethlisberger was on that last drive, the degree of difficulty on Holmes’ TD catch warrants the award on its own. Not to mention his cumulative stats (something David Tyree lacked last year and why it was default awarded to Eli Manning).

If you noticed that we haven’t mentioned the commercials and were wondering why, it’s quite simple: We can’t find a lot of humor in people trying to con us into buying their products. Even if we did, the creativity is sorely lacking. Can we get something other than nut shots, attractive women and animals afflicted with sentient problems? If you want me to buy your product and are going to spend millions of dollars throwing together and advertising campaign, it would stand to reason that you would invest more than one work weekend into it.

When did they turn Chester Cheetah into a total scumbag?

Also, for at least half of the advertisers I can’t think of a single, solitary reason they have to invest that much money into a series of commercials. Is Budweiser still in such heated competition with anyone that throwing millions of dollars into TV spots is necessary? Same with Career Builder and Monster.com. Not only does their net worth pale in comparison to that of Budweiser, isn’t everyone going to their sites anyways? I know when the economy and American way of life is in peril, I’m supposed to root for commerce, but I would have been perfectly fine with fewer commercials.

And finally, after any entertaining Super Bowl, especially one with a climactic finish, there is a groundswell of people quick to proclaim it the Best. Ever. I suppose if you’re going to have this conversation then it’s definitely a part of it, but on the list of Super Bowls we drummed up that only dated back to Green Bay’s first title in 1996, I’d probably rank it fourth behind last year’s game, the Packers-Broncos in 1997 and the Rams-Titans game in 1999. It’s generous to put it at fourth in front of the first two Patriots titles as well, we’ll call it a dead heap between those three for fourth place.

When you are trying to quantify something like “Greatest Ever” in sports, you have to take everything into consideration: Back story, historical significance, star power, efficiency, execution, entertainment level, etc. And while Sunday’s fourth and second quarters were wildly entertaining, I thought I was staring down the barrel of another Seahawks-Steelers game before Arizona got rolling. The star power was fairly high in this game, but there were eighteen total penalties many of which came during pivotal points of the game (Adrian Wilson running over the place holder, the aforementioned Harrison penalty, pass interference on the Cardinals last touchdown drive, etc).

So while we’ll look back on it fondly because the last seven or eight minutes were so eventful (and that’s all that really matters), when I recall that game it’s more along the lines of, “the emotional fluctuation was immense” more so than “Never at any moment was I not entertained”. You’re going to tell me that it was fascinating to watch the Steelers just peeling minutes off the clock in the first and third quarters, capped by them being unable to get in the end zone? Fine, but I beg to differ.

Maybe back with some news and notes later.

So you may have heard there was an NFL contest on last night. Not sure if any of you watched it, but it turned out to pretty competitive. Who would have thought that the Arizona Cardinals would stand a chance.

Alright, that’s total bullshit. Everyone has been so inconsistent (read: terrible) with their picks ( I knew my ploy would work) that no one was willing to completely write them off for fear of looking ill-informed. So basically, everyone was saying they had a chance, if not out and out picking them to win. Turns out, everyone’s trepidation towards predicting this game was warranted, because it has been over for close to half a day now, and I still cannot commit it to memory that the Steelers won.

(Note: Please note that when I say “everyone”, I am speaking in generalities. So spare me the emails with examples of how wrong I am).

The Cardinals more than had their chance, after holding Pittsburgh scoreless for the entire fourth quarter (and only giving up three in the third), all they needed was one more stop to earn what most would consider one of the more unexpected (some say undeserved) Super Bowl titles in history. But Roethlisberger, on a quest to redeem himself from that craptastic performance in 2006 against the Seahawks, marched his team down field with the help of Santonio Holmes breaking down the secondary.

Going into that final drive, however, you knew there would be fireworks. If you’re a Browns fan you just hoped they would be set off for the Cardinals. But the veteran and playoff experienced team kept their poise and made the game one for the ages after Larry Fitzgerald finally lived up to the hype. It wasn’t exactly storybook considering the favorite prevailed in the end (and seem to be the beneficiary of several questionable calls/penalties. Again.), but it means that the Steelers are officially the best franchise in the Super Bowl era and if the Cardinals hadn’t proved themselves worthy just by reaching the Super Bowl, they certainly did with their performance in it. They’re now relevant in the NFL landscape. It might be the thinnest of silver linings today for you run of the mill Cardinals fan, but it will have to do for now.

As for the Steelers, what can you really say? While they might have been the beneficiaries of moderately favorable officiating they deserved to win that game. Sure, they kind of blew all the momentum they had in the fourth quarter and damn near pissed the game away. Actually, most probably assumed that epic change in momentum pick six to end the first half was going to seal it. But they earned this win on that last drive. Santonio Holmes, whom any fantasy owner of his is acutely aware that he was under-utilized during the regular season, and finally broke out of his shell to win Super Bowl MVP. This was starkly impressive, because anyone whose anyone knows that he went to OSU, and OSU doesn’t produce any athletes. Or at least that’s what every college football pundit tells me.

All in all it was a memorable game with several memorable performances (including halftime). The parity being what it is in the NFL these days, it’s a rarity to see the top-tier players actually deliver in the clutch. Larry Fitzgerald, Jerome Harrison, Kurt Warner, Ben Roethlisberger and Willie Parker all lived up to expectations. In a season where their weren’t any real upsets, the outcome wasn’t surprising, but the efficiency perseverance by both teams that got us to 27-23 most definitely was.

Much more on this later.

So here it is, the biggest sporting event in America that manages to be over hyped every single year. It is a frequent topic of discussion whether or not a Super Bowl lives up to expectations. Ofttimes a person posed with such a question will make some sort of blanket statement along the lines of, “the game always sucks anyways”, as if it’s a highly original thought to dismiss a conversation piece with some faux-anti-establishment stance. When in actuality this perspective is so commonplace that it tows the line more so than ripping it off course.

And it’s for no reason really. If you look back at every Super Bowl going back to the Packers win over the Patriots in 1996, the duds have been few and far between. Fuck it, let’s just do the rundown in chronological order:

Packers over Patriots: I enjoyed this game immensely but we’re calling it a half-dud mainly because it wasn’t closely contested. This was one of those games in which everything that everyone thought would happen, happened. But between all the special teams plays and that it laid the groundwork for the Patriots dynasty, we found it enjoyable and look back on it fondly. This was also the last game in the NFC’s streak of Super Bowl victories.

Broncos over Packers: Was regarded as a tremendous upset and I’m still not sure why. Denver was fucking stacked but some things never change, because even when Brett Favre was great he was still overrated. There wasn’t much he could do about Denver hanging 31 on his defense. Terrell Davis went ape shit and John Elway solidified his legacy. This is probably still my favorite Super Bowl.

The personel helped the epicness of this one.

Broncos over Falcons: On the other hand, this is probably the worst. It will, for always and forever be remembered as the Super Bowl that missed out on the greatest NFL offense I’ve ever seen in the 1998 Minnesota Vikings. Just go look at the numbers and the roster. This was a loaded offense with a serviceable defense that missed out on the title because their kicker who hadn’t missed a field goal all season, decided that late in the fourth quarter in the NFC title game was an appropriate time to do so. As a result, we got this god awful blowout that everyone could see coming a mile away.

Rams over Titans: This was supposed to be a blowout but the tenacious Tennessee Titans led by Steve McNair and Eddie George made a game of it, coming up just a yard short of the end zone to send it into overtime (not win them the title like historical revisionists are so apt to do). Definitely an entertaining, memorable contest.

Ravens over Giants: The Falcons-Broncos game was technically the worst we’ve ever seen, but only because we didn’t even bother to watch this train wreck. We didn’t know who was going to win and we didn’t give a shit. Both teams we impossible to objectively root for and this was during our freshman year of college. Needless to say we were preoccupied.

Patriots over Rams: The biggest upset we had seen at the time, the Patriots went in as double digit underdogs and came out with the win. At the time, every neutral fan was elated, none the wiser that it would start a dynasty and put the nation’s most insufferable fans in the spotlight for an entire decade. Never the less, the game itself was immensely satisfying because we never liked those Rams teams. They always got too much credit for their offense, “GREATEST. EVER.” Was the common description, completely ignoring our beloved Minnesota Vikings that we bandwagoned in 1998.

Buccaneers over Raiders: A dud in all respects but it’s gets a better rating than the Broncos second win or the Ravens win because we won money off of it, and for Craig Kilborne’s joke, “When asked if he was going to throw six interceptions in his next professional outing, Rich Gannon threw a pen at the reporter…only for it to be caught by another reporter”.

If we're mentioning the Buccaneers and their the host city for the Super Bowl, you can be damn sure that we're posting a picture of their cheeleaders.

Patriots over Panthers: This was a great second half. Or maybe it only felt that way because it followed the dreariest half of football we’ve ever been privy too. It also stands out because while just about everyone was picking the Patriots to win, the only people who were diverging from common consensus were former players turned analysts. The Pats still ended up winning but they really shouldn’t have, and it still remains the best argument for why an ex-player makes a better analyst by virtue of being an ex-player than say, John Clayton.

Patriots over Eagles: Patriots beat “my” team in dramatic fashion, take home their third title in four years by a field goal. In spite of my subjectivity, this game offered a lot for the indifferent viewer.

Steelers over Seahawks: Just when you were tiring of the Patriots and were happy to see them left out of super Sunday, you immediately regretted it after watching this poor excuse for a game. The went into the game as a wild card favorite and ended up winning based on a series of calls that could have gone either way, and they all ended up going against them. To this day Seahawks fans still bitch about it.

Colts over Bears: This game was only two years ago and we remember nothing about it. Two stinkfests in a row.

Giants over Patriots: A textbook David vs. Goliath match up that produced similar results. This time around it was the Patriots getting bounced by a three point margin, much to the glee of everyone who hates dynasties.

As you can see, that’s a 6-6-1 giving us a 50% success rate. So, in other words, much like everything else in the world it only disappoints you half the time. Just enjoy the game regardless of what shape it takes. At least its free. With that said, lets take a look at the Sunday’s game. We’ll follow the same format we used for the divisional and playoff rounds.

Pittsburgh’s Outlook: I drifted through the past two weeks just assuming everyone was picking the Steelers. But listening to the radio for the first time since the Monday following the title games, it would seem the tide has shifted. Even though Pitt is still a heavy favorite they can now play the vaunted “Nobody respects us” card, something that hard-hitting meat-heads thrive off of. This moniker is like chum in a shark tank.

We could very well end up seeing Pitt mopping the floor with the Cardinals. They’re better coached, have more overall talent and possess a balanced offensive attack that the Cardinals only saw against a self-destructing Panthers team. We all remember Roethlisberger’s performance from his first Super Bowl that his team won in spite of, but most would tell you that while his play is inconsistent and shaky at times, a repeat performance like that is unlikely. Most would probably tell you if they avoid turning the ball over, they should be in the clear.

On the defensive side, this is statistically one of the better defenses to ever grace and NFL field. Tenacious, intimidating, strategic…There isn’t a liability to be found. But have they played a team with this many weapons in the post-season? Call me crazy, but I think the Cardinals receiving corps. top three options are better than any receiver sported by either the Chargers or Ravens. Not that I would expect them too, but the Steelers aren’t incapable of overlooking their opponent.

Arizona’s Outlook: And for good reason. This is a team that only got into the playoffs by playing in and winning one of the weaker divisions we’ve ever seen in the NFL (or the NBA for that matter). Everyone always said throughout the Cardinals three playoff wins that their vanquished opponents took them too lightly, and that was their undoing. Obviously this played a role but I don’t know if it’s necessarily a tremendous character flaw that everyone made it out to be. Of course they were taken lightly! They were 9-7 in the regular season and limped into the post-season. This team we’ve seen in January is obviously filled with ringers.

But it has been a helluva run, regardless of how you frame their journey to Tampa. The defense has adapted to each opponent, gotten to the quarterback and taken advantage of their mistakes. The offense is clicking on all cylinders and has played almost flawless football (which includes one and a half games without Boldin), each side has sucked it up and Edgerrin James is now contributing amply, spelling Tim Hightower. If there is a team of destiny in this game, it’s the Arizona Cardinals. And I have to be honest, that seems to be the vibe from a lot of observers, objective and subjective alike. Why else would they pick Arizona to win?

Manufactured ESPN Storylines: Is Larry Fitzgerald able to leap buildings in a single bound? Will his dad pretend to be objective while watching him in the press box? Will God win this game for Kurt Warner? Is Anquan Boldin going to murder his coordinator? Did the entire city of Pittsburgh relocate itself in Tampa, Florida? Can Arizona run the ball on Pitt? Can Pitt throw the ball on Arizona? Will strip clubs prove to be a distraction?

Fantasy Advice: We’ll get back to fantasy posts the week after the Super Bowl. My apologies for this.

The Pick: We’re torn. On one hand, we’ve got the stalwarts in the Pittsburgh Steelers. The workman like NFL mainstay that no one is surprised to see here, “defense wins championships and all that”. They went through what was statistically the toughest regular season schedule and came out of it with a 12-4 record. But they only went 3-4 in the seven games they played against playoff teams.

On the other we have the Arizona Cardinals, a makeshift team of a second year coach, a once washed up quarterback and a virtual no name defense. They weren’t supposed to make it out of the first round and managed to do so by the skin of their teeth. Throughout the course of the playoffs, they’ve demonstrated that they’re capable of winning this game, but look at these scores: 56-35, 48-20, 35-14, 47-7. Do you know what these are? These are the scores of games that the Cardinals lost during the regular season. Basically, when deliberating on whether you’re picking the Cardinals, you’re deciding if the two week hiatus is going to kill their momentum.

Jesus, I don’t know why we’re so indecisive with this one. Just in writing this post we’ve changed our mind about ten different times…Alright, we’re going to say that yes, it did indeed kill their momentum. Between that and the fact that the Steelers are going to have about ten times as many fans as the Cardinals, not to mention that Pittsburgh is just, and this is a crazy notion, simply the better team. We’ll take them to win and to cover the 6.5, but only because we’re rooting for Arizona.

If you’re wondering why there wasn’t any post yesterday the answer is quite simple: 451 Press decided to completely alter/update the interface without notifying anyone, and this just happened to be while I was writing my post. When I went to “publish” it, as Wordpress so flatteringly phrases the act of finalizing a blog post, the website ate my post alive, never to be seen again.

Anyhow, I refused to rewrite my post out of spite. Which is a damn shame because no one paying me really gives a shit either way, and it ends up being the kids that suffer. So to make up for our malfeasance, we’re going to post basically the same thing we had written yesterday, only longer. Maybe. And that is dolling out regular season fantasy awards.

MVP: Drew Brees
Common consensus seems to suggest that since these are for fantasy performers this award should go to whoever produced the most fantasy points over the course of the season. For once, we won’t give an argument to the contrary and give it to Drew Brees, who by just about any calculation bested the NFL in total offensive output. Congratulations, Mr. Brees. For your efforts you get an 8-8 record, saddled with an inadequate defense and a last name that should really have an “e” at the end of it.

He is WAY too excited about this.

Rookie Of The Year: Chris Johnson
Given the recipient, we’re going to rename this the “fuck Matty Ice” award, due to his pedestrian nature when it comes to fantasy quarterbacking. Yeah, thanks a lot for the 16 touchdowns and 11 turnovers, Matty. you really earned that spot on my bench, in case the worst happens and I actually have to start you.

No, we decided to give this to a player who produced something tangible over seventeen weeks, and that player is Chris Johnson. Chris Johnson, who started every game and was as close to a lock as any running back in the NFL to break 20+ points for the first twelve weeks of the season and was his team’s primary offensive weapon. We don’t need to tag any “game manager” qualifiers here.

So congratulations, Chris. For your troubles you get a 13-3 record, probably no more than a five year career and an unburdening sense of guilt that had you stayed healthy against the Ravens, your team would have almost definitely been playing in the AFC title game.

Most Improved Player: DeAngelo Williams (Amongst stiff competition, as well)
His season was quite annoying for anyone who drafted Jonathan Stewart (like myself). But really, who else could we have given it too? The man more than doubled his run yardage (717 to 1515) and more than quadrupled his rushing touchdowns (4 to 18) from 2007 to 2008. We’re pretty convinced he’s on steroids because frankly, there is no explainable reason for him to have a breakout season like this four years into his career and there was a reason the Panthers used the 13th overall selection this year on a rookie. But since nothing has been proven yet we’ll go ahead and throw Williams in here for Most Improved.

Congratulations, DeAngelo. For your efforts you get a humiliating home loss at the hands of the Cardinals in the divisional playoffs, due in large-part to your coach seeing fit to hand the ball to you only twelve times throughout the entire game. Hope it was worth it.

Defensive Player of The Year: Nick Collins
I had no idea who the hell you were until I decided to do this post in lieu of anything substantive, but you had three defensive touchdowns, seven interceptions and two safeties for the Green Bay Packers this season. So congratulations, Nick. For your troubles you earn a spot as a notary member of probably the best 5-11 team in the history of the NFL.

Alright, I think that about wraps it up. We might hand out some more…ostentatious awards in the coming days. For now we’ll just stick with the basics.

We’re down to two playoff games for these weekly recaps, and it is starting to dawn on us that while we’re going to struggle for material for the next couple weeks, we have nary a clue how we are going to keep this site updated during the off-season. You can only make so many LenDale White fat jokes before they start to get old. Obviously we’re going to be forced to move onto La’Ron McClain fat jokes.

Anyhow, it was an interesting day of games yesterday. But probably the most peculiar thing about it, and we should have caught it on Thursday or Friday, is that the NFC title game was the earlier broadcast. Considering, you know, the other game was in Pittsburgh, outdoors and in the eastern time zone; it seems like that would be an ideal afternoon game. At least when the other option is indoors, in Arizona and on pacific time. But what do I know? I guess it makes as much sense as Arizona being allowed to play the game at home in the first place.

But even all that taken under advisement there was a better reason to play the AFC game early: Namely, it was boring as shit. Sure, if you’re a fan of one of the two teams you saw it as an old school, hard hitting battle between divisional foes. If you’re a neutral observer like me and most of the country, you were struggling to keep your eyes open after the two hour first half that resulted in 20 total points. And that 20 wasn’t exactly thrilling. I know this is how football is “supposed” to be played, but when I’m kind of burnt out on it and it’s over two hours to play thirty minutes and neither team is of particular interest, our interest tends to wane.

To summarize because it’s obligatory, Joe Flacco’s inexperience finally cost Baltimore (as it should), as he threw three interceptions and barely cracked 33% completion percentage (13/30). Outside of Pitt’s defense, no one really performed exceptionally for Pittsburgh. Several dropped passes, and a number of shaky throws from Roethlisberger, Pittsburgh’s defense managed to carry the day that was highlighted with a Troy Polamalu pick-six (which we claimed would happen in the first quarter but it’s not on record so why do I bother mentioning it?).

For what it’s worth, when he’s dead set on winning a game, I really don’t think there’s a better defender in the league than Polamalu, who hones in on the ball like a guided missile. For all the talk of Ed Reed and Ray Lewis, Polamalu outclassed them all in this contest.

Maybe the hair has a device that tracks synthesized leather.

Set aside the fact that it was fairly uninspired play on the offensive end (penalties seemed to count for as much as actual plays) and a four hour running time that was beyond all comprehension, the game just had no storyline beyond the petulant trash talking between several notable players. Some are intrigued by this, for us, it’s just another reason to dislike both already dislikable teams. The bickering wouldn’t be interesting to anyone if it wasn’t for the fact that we’re all familiar with those involved, the comments themselves are about two notches below “yo’ momma’” jokes and the whole thing just wreaks of self-absorption. For some of these guys to say some of the shit they do in a public venue, is a good testament too how many times they’ve been reminded of how special they are.

Of course, I hate to complain about the duration of time the game took to play out, so please take into consideration I wrote the last paragraph before Willis McGahee’s injury. Poor bastard. Can this guy go a couple seasons without sustaining some kind of horrific injury? First there was this and now we have this. Can’t this guy just sustain something like a bone bruise? Does it always have to be career threatening? Two things were refreshing about what happened in the aftermath: 1) He moved, with relative ease and regularity and 2) The Pittsburgh fans wishing him well as he was being carted through the tunnel (though I’m not sure they would have been so convivial had the Steelers been losing).

Since that is all that really happened in that game, let’s move onto the NFC which proved a little more theatric.

In short: Philly deserved to lose: Dropped passes, turnovers, shaky defense for three of four quarters. These are not the standard makings of a winning football performance. Arizona kind of impressed me, they came close to catching a few breaks (the Boldin catch after the missed interception, the missed kickoff catch from Philly that the return man shouldn’t have been going for in the first place, followed by the Arizona recovery after the ball looked like stayed in bounds that was ultimately ruled out), and managed to hold onto the win after blowing an 18 point halftime lead.

Usually when a team as experienced and (recently) adept as Philly builds momentum like that, they never relent. But ‘Zona proved resilient by putting together an efficient and crucial touchdown drive late in the fourth capped off by a converted two point conversion. It’s a good thing the subsequent defensive stop gave us the obligatory controversial call/non-call towards the end of the game, otherwise what would we have to argue about. Personally, I don’t know how you cannot call that. Having a game be decided on a 4th and 10 pass play in which the defender (intentionally or otherwise) knocks down the receiver before he has an opportunity to catch the ball seems a bit ill-advised. But if they are certain that the defender knocked down Curtis accidentally (unless he stumbled backwards into him while blindfolded, I don’t know how you can be certain of that) then I guess that is the call they have to make.

I mean, if the call goes the other way, the Cardinals still have plenty of chances to stop them even if they do convert that fourth down. And even if Philly does get in the end zone, they still have an overtime to sort out who wins. Right now it looks like a game that came down to a potentially errant decision by the officials to refrain from making a semi-obvious call under the guise of “letting them play”.

Anyhow, if Philly was going to lose it’s probably better that the botched plays on special teams (missed field goal and extra point, terrible two-point conversion attempt as a result of those kicks) weren’t the result. The riots following the game would make those after the world series win look like a good-natured game of Candyland.

So this is our Super Bowl matchup: The Arizona Cardinals vs. The Pittsburgh Steelers. On one side: The gritty underdog that no one gave a chance to get past the second round, catching fire at the right time to knock off three favorites in fairly dramatic fashion. On the other side we have the team that was considered second best in their own conference all season, who played the toughest schedule in NFL history (nine games against playoff teams) and who’s defensive consistency is their defining characteristic. I’ll let you guess which is which, but we will say one thing: We’re actually excited for this game. As much as we like to discredit the Cardinals and consider them benefactors of a seriously flawed playoff format, they are in the Super Bowl, and we can’t think of a better conclusion to a season as fucked up as this one than a Arizona Cardinals Super Bowl victory.

It for today, back tomorrow with something.

So we’ve been sitting here at work, trying to think of something relevant to fantasy football to discuss about the NFL playoffs and we’re struggling to find the material. The best we can come up with is the connection between the abnormal nature of these games altering fantasy performances, but that seems kind of obvious. So we figured, what better than to rank the individual performers to date? It’s quick, easy.

Obviously a set of stated criteria is in order, so it will go like this:

-The bigger the numbers, the higher the rank. I just blew your mind, didn’t I?
-Only players still in the playoffs are eligible.
-Extra credit for having played in the wild card round. This is only a disadvantage for the Steelers, whom after they’re dispatching of the Chargers should be able to handle the setback.
-We’re going to break this off into a position by position ranking of the top three players at receiver, running back and tight end, and include all four defenses and starting quarterbacks.

Quarterbacks
1) Kurt Warner: Look at Larry Fitzgerald’s numbers, then take into consideration that Warner has occasionally completed passes to other receivers (though you wouldn’t believe it from looking at Fitzgerald’s numbers) and you’ll understand why.
2) Donovan McNabb: The best of the remaining, “don’t turn the ball over and you’ll be considered an asset” quarterbacks. His two games have combined for over 500 yards, 3 TD’s (one rushing) and 3 interceptions. Enough for second place.
3) Joe Flacco: Two touchdowns and just under three hundred yards passing in two games. He’s just like Trent Dilfer. Honestly, we’d mock the state of the NFL more, but what does it say about the state of the quarterback position (or the Ravens front office) that it took the Ravens roughly nine years to find Dilfer’s predecessor.
4) Ben Roethlisberger: we wanted to put you in front of Joe Flacco, Ben. But 17/28 and one touchdown doesn’t make up for playing in half as many games.

Running Backs
1) Willie Parker: Just to demonstrate how wonky this fucking season (and as it seems for the foreseeable future, the league) has been, a running back whose played only one game has produced as much as the eight running backs who comprise the backfield of the other eight teams left in the playoffs. 146 yards and two touchdowns is good enough for the top spot.
2) Tim Hightower: Even with the resurrection of Edgerrin James career that has resulted in two games for 99 yards rushing and two touchdowns, it has gotten him the #2 spot. Congrats on finishing in second place by default, Tim.
3) Willis McGahee: 94 rushing yards and a touchdown in each game land him the three spot. It’s in a landslide, really. Actually, Westbrook has a case to make with his 71 yard touchdown reception, but since it’s his only TD in two games, we gave the nod to The U alum, who’s fortunate to even have a career.

Wide Receivers
1) Larry Fitzgerald: Honestly, its been so good that we fault the defenses as much as we credit Larry, here. 12 catches for 267 yards and two scores in better than just about better than any two running backs not named Willie Parker.
2) Derrick Mason: Nine catches for 149 yards and a touchdown is an admirable two game performance, but looks like utter shit compared to Fitz (That’s short for Fitzgerald).
3) Anquan Boldin: Though he didn’t play against the Panthers, he had two catches for 72 yards and a touchdown against the Falcons.

Defenses
(This is the one category that we’ve actually seen some widespread efficiency in, so we’ll take it somewhat seriously)
1) Baltimore: Four forced fumbles, a blocked kick, five interceptions one of which Ed Reed returned for a touchdown and only 19 points allowed in two games earns them the top spot in a very stiff field.
2) Arizona: NINE turnovers which included one defensive touchdown against the Falcons that ended up being the difference in the game puts Arizona at #2.
3) Philadelphia: They’ve had a better overall defensive performance than Arizona (only allowing 25 total points to Zona’s 37), but this is a fantasy ranking. And four forced turnovers to the Cardinals eight isn’t enough to succeed them.
4) Pittsburgh: They gave up 24 points to the Chargers and forced no turnovers. One would think that holding a team to one offensive snap for an entire third quarter that turned out to be an interception would garner a higher ranking than this. But it’s pretty emblematic of how these playoffs have been.

That is to say, drab, passe and predictably unpredictable. Our last three Superbowl Champions have been six seeds, so this entire song and dance has gotten to the point of redundant. I don’t want to rehash what we said yesterday but just by looking at the above numbers, we now understand why we were so disinterested on Sunday. It wasn’t just the hangover we were sporting! It was partially due to the product on the field Huzzah! Plausible deniability!

Back tomorrow with something.

And so ends another year of fantasy football. We’ve had some highs (a six game winning streak) some lows (an 0-4 start that basically kept us out of regular season money) and we owe it all to the Gods of the NFL. And when I say Gods, I mean Bill Walsh, the recently fired Mike Shanahan and everyone else responsible for the standard NFL offensive format (their all pretty much the same).

The luck factor to this season far exceeded that of any before it. At this point, we don’t even want a first round draft pick. We’re like Jimmy Johnson looking to unload Herschel Walker on whatever gullible sap we can put them on for middle-tier picks. I mean, who is instilling any confidence at the running back and receiver positions going into next season? Obviously Adrian Peterson, but after that? We’re looking at Maurice Jones-Drew, DeAngelo Williams and Brian Westbrook. I really don’t feel like any of those three options merit a first round pick.

At receiver it’s worse. I shit you not when I say that Calvin Johnson tied Larry Fitzgerald for the league lead in reception touchdowns. That’s right, the league leader in receiving touchdowns was also a member of the first ever 0-16 team in the history of the NFL. Some might say that this would make him a surefire first rounder next season, but he still plays for the Lions and seems to speak to the randomness of fantasy football. Anquan Boldin tied Randy Moss for second. A receiver who was injured so severely that he basically had a second skull inserted into his head, was one touchdown away from being the league leader, and he would have undoubtedly gotten it if he didn’t miss four games to said injury.

So, who are you liking at receiver? Obviously Braylon Edwards is off the books. Terrell Owens had ten touchdowns but didn’t crack 70 receptions. Not to mention he’s getting old and is unhappy. And we all know what that means: When Terrell Owens isn’t happy, no one’s happy. Somehow he has managed to make himself the unreasonably demanding girlfriend to the Cowboys needy and desperate boyfriend. My guess is the aforementioned Calvin Johnson tops a lot of boards, along with Fitzgerald (though his quarterback situation looks to be in peril), Andre Johnson (who’s as injury prone as anyone), Wes Welker (though he only got in the end zone thrice) and Brandon Marshall (Jesus, really?). Again, I’m just not feeling confident with any of those to comfortably use a first rounder on.

I really think, and this could be completely turned on its head at the start of next season, going with a quarterback in the first round is the safest bet you’re going to find. Depending on how everything shapes out, if you can snag Tom Brady/Matt Cassel, Drew Brees, Jay Cutler, Philip Rivers or Peyton Manning in the first round, you might be well advised to do so. It feels like for everyone of those receivers and running backs mentioned above, you can get someone comparable in later rounds (not to mention get lucky with someone like one of the dozens of players I could name but won’t take the time too). But their is a much bigger drop off from a top-tier to a second-tier quarterback.

/Wild, premature speculation.

Anyhow, just to prove my point, here are five players that probably let you down tremendously in your championship game, written in the same vein as this site.

1) Wes Welker
Just who do you think you are, Wes? You think because it’s snowing you can disappear in a pivotal week 17 game against the Bills? The Bills, Wes? You live in the northeast now, alright. Where the weather can push the ball to the right or left six to eight inches, so buck up and fucking deal with it. Either step-up or prepare to be stepped off, because Robert Craft will fire your ass like you work on an assembly line. Don’t think because you’re white you’ll get any preferential treatment. This isn’t the 1950’s. Two catches for 26 yards is considered a shit game under any circumstances. David Duke wouldn’t want you on his team with those kinds of numbers.

2) Brian Westbrook
Wow, didn’t I just anoint you top five running back status? And how do you repay me? With 62 yards of total offense and a lost fumble? Thanks for returning the favor, man. I could have ran for sixty yards against a team throwing the game. You might have had me fooled with your ankle breaking cuts and combination of strength and speed, but I’m onto you Brian. No one this proficient was ever supposed to come out of Villanova’s football program. You hear me? Nobody. So take your false modesty and head back to the nation’s capital. We hear they love a two-faced aging professional there.

3) Frank Gore
Oooh, 1,400 yards of total offense this season. If it was 1970 I’d be impressed. Also, can we put an asterisk next to your name in the record books so everyone knows that 80% of your production came in about six games of the season? No? Well fuck you then, Frank. I’m onto your Miami-ness. It’s only a matter of time before Mike Singletary puts you out of your injury prone misery with a nice, vibrant pink slip. Especially if all we’re going to get out of you is 64 yards of offense.

4) Maurice Jones-Drew
Considering you’re only five feet tall, do you think you have any longevity in this league? Seriously, you’re career might make Ki-Jana Carter look like Emmit Smith. If anything, We’ll probably see Jacksonville draft another running back to take some of the pressure off Tonttu here, the mischievous miscreant of the Jacksonville Jaguars backfield. Or at least, if we continue down the path that results in 88 yards and a lost fumble,

A visual approximation to what Jones-Drew would look like if he were Finnish.

5) Brandon Marshall
Does one even qualify for this list if he’s always on it? We grapple with this every week for Marshall, Marvin Harrison, Cris Cooley and anyone on the Browns. But Brandon, you managed to finish third in the league in total receptions, how is it that your fantasy output barely breaks the shoe size of a two year-old. Don’t think because you have one of the cooler sounding names in the NFL we won’t call you out on your bullshit. 6 catches for 55 yards? Thanks for not getting shut out against one of the worst defenses in the league. I really appreciate it.

Honorable mention: Jamal Lewis, Vincent Jackson, Matt Forte, Willis McGahee, Clinton Portis & Santana Moss.

Back tomorrow with playoff previews.

Naturally, we got a quirky finale to a quirky season. The teams contending for the playoffs that you expected to show up failed to do so, and those that you had diminished expectations for managed to tear the roof off of whatever building they were playing in. This seems to be true for everyone, of course, except for the Broncos. Whom everyone — except for me, of course — fully expected to shit the bed, and the shit the bed they did. Actually, I’m not sure you can consider what the Broncos did failing to meet expectations. They’ve had the second worst defense all season this side of the Lions.

Speaking of which, managed to reach the 0-16 milestone, becoming the first team in NFL history to do so. Some of us were skeptical that the Packers would actually come through with a win, as they’ve been tremendously disappointing themselves (even more so than the Lions, to be honest). But no, the Lions proved just how inept they were, failing to capitalize on opportunity after opportunity, all the way until the bitter end when Ryan Grant fumbled the ball ten yards downfield in between five defenders, only for some receiver to squeeze in and recover it right at the goal line. In all fairness to them they were looking mighty disheveled after the 70 yard touchdown reception from Donald Driver.

We actually dragged ourselves to a bar to watch this game (the first time that’s happened all season), and we were amazed at the lack of concern with a team about to make the record books. If you do not know already, we live in Columbus, Ohio. Which is basically a homogenization of Browns fans, Bengals fans, Steelers fans, then a handful of fans for teams like the Packers, Cowboys and bandwagon Patriots fans. This particular bar though, consisted mainly of Bengals fans, as their game wasn’t being aired locally in favor of the Browns-Steelers slugfest. Now, I’m not usually one to criticize, but the only game more pitiable than the Lions-Packers was the Chiefs-Bengals.

At least in the Lions game, we had a team putting the finishing touches on the worst era for a professional franchise, potentially ever. And a team hoping to fend off embarrassment. The Bengals-Chiefs game offered nothing in the way of intrigue or hope or entertainment. It was just two teams with no hope for 2009 going through the motions and waiting for it to be over. Now I understand that everyone has “their team”, and that usually takes precedence over everything else.

But I don’t much care where I reside, when the Chiefs-Bengals is on 40% of the televisions, and that glorious Packers-Lions matchup for the record books is relegated to just one television you could fit inside an Apollo shuttle, then everything is wrong. The owners of the establishment, the people watching the Bengals game, the city, the state, the world. Anywhere and to anyone this makes sense to, is wrong. It also says something about Bengals fans that they would show up in mass to bother watching what “their team” is currently producing. What I’m trying to say is, I need to move.

Take heed though, Lions fans. As while you may have just finished the worst season in NFL history, you were by no means the worst team. No, that honor belongs to the other team in Ohio: the Cleveland Browns.

Have to wait 'til next year, son.

Your eternal optimist might say, “at least they didn’t go all season without scoring a touchdown”, but they would be conveniently overlooking the fact that in a loss, Detroit put up more points in Green Bay than the Browns had put up in the last six games. In short, they were right to clean house while the game was going on. For all their potential, they managed to end the season as the worst team in the league, and that usually starts at the top.

But enough about the failures of the NFL, lets talk about the winners. The Panthers clinched a bye with a last second field goal, the Vikings clinched the division with the same. The Dolphins and Ravens both clinched playoff births with wins over the Jets and Jags, effectively barring an 11-5 Patriots team from the playoffs in favor of an 8-8 AFC West Champion. The Bears cost themselves a playoff spot because they couldn’t beat the 8-8 Texans (the team that represents what the NFL wants every team to be) who along with the Cowboys handed over the final wild card spot to the once lowly Eagles. As in, last week the Eagles were pretty lowly.

I mentioned last week that these two teams were of the more erratic variety offered by the NFL, and holy shit did the Cowboys prove me right. Really, it wasn’t so much that the Eagles just came out gangbusters thrashing a team that everyone has a love-hate complex with. No, Dallas simply played the least inspired football of all season relative to their talent (well, outside of the Browns, of course).

Really it shouldn’t come as any surprise. For the past two seasons, the Dallas Cowboys have played football rather haphazardly. Sporting what’s akin to a “too cool for school” approach to the game. That came back on them ten-fold last night in Philly. You could really pin the blame on three people for the loss, which is remarkable considering how bad it was: Tony Romo, Pacman Jones and Wade Phillips. Romo, whose clearly never going to be the quarterback everyone wants him to be, had two turnovers that resulted in defensive touchdowns, which wasn’t exactly shocking considering the game had playoff implications. He’s been doing it all season, but scrambling around in the backfield with the ball extended two feet away from his body finally caught up to him.

Pacman Jones was responsible for an unnecessary roughness penalty and a turnover that resulted in ten points for the Eagles late in the second quarter, effectively taking whatever wind was left in Dallas’ sails. And Wade Phillips did absolutely nothing to counteract all of this on the sideline. In all, the team had five turnovers (four fumbles and one interception), Romo and Pacman were responsible for four of them.

But really, the entire team looked indifferent. Part of that is the players a team like Dallas actively seeks out, and part of that is the result of ineffective coaching. Let me be on record as saying that hiring Jason Garrett to coach this team will be an unmitigated disaster, and we’re not going to see a turnaround unless they can bring in Bill Cowher or someone of that ilk to manage the clusterfuck of egomaniacs Jerry Jones currently employs.

As a casual Eagles fan I know my sole reaction to all of this is supposed to be glee, but when Romo fumbled for the second time and slammed his fists into the same ground that his face was buried in, we really thought we might see some carnage on the sidelines. It was painful to watch, especially if you know any Cowboys fans or were in close proximity to any at the time. All I can say is, do not listen to our fantasy advice any more. The season is over for 90% of us so it’s moot anyways. But we’re wrong much more frequently than we’re right, and it’s at a point now where we either have to convince our employer to change the URL, or recuse ourselves from Talking Fantasy Football altogether.

Anyhow, we apologize for the lack of fantasy discussion. We’ll try to post again later today to compensate.

Since we kind of forgot that Christmas was this week, we neglected to adjust our schedule and post our weekly “These are the people you should be unjustly contemptuous towards” a day early. As a result, we’re going to take timeout of our day tomorrow to post the first half of our picks or we’re going to do them all on Friday. Hopefully, and I know it’s almost unavoidable, this doesn’t ruin the holidays for you. Because I’m tryin’, Ringo. I’m trying real hard, to post sufficiently and in a timely fashion.

And since it’s the holidays, even though we lost our fantasy playoff matchup in the most agonizingly painful way imaginable*, being the good Samaritan that I am, we’re going to do a top five unexpectedly stellar performances from the week. Even though we can’t really think of any off the top of our head, unless you think two running backs breaking off more total yardage and touchdowns than they have all season against a top ten run defense qualifies? No? Yeah, then we’ll have to look this up.

1) Vinsanthe Shiancoe
From exposing himself in the locker room to having a breakout season, this guy has been everywhere. After catching seven passes for 136 yards and two touchdowns, he makes our cut as well. Let’s put it this way, anytime an eligible receiver on the Vikings goes for over 30 points in my fantasy league, he’s making this list. And unless something unthinkable happens, like Braylon Edwards living up to his name for two straight weeks, he’ll generally make the top spot.

2) Tavaris Jackson
After a slow week, Tavaris is getting on this list mostly as a result of that and diminished expectations. Over three hundred yards of total offense and two touchdowns is a great game for just about anyone, but naturally Tavaris had two lost fumbles to accompany it, so we put him here at #2 and his teammate at #1. Man, you have to wonder how they lost this game with two participants in their passing offense having such great fantasy games. Oh, that’s right. The two fumbles.

3) Dennis Northcutt
For starters: Holy shit Dennis Northcutt is still playing football in the NFL? I remember when he was with the Browns recovering onside kicks. Secondly: A Jacksonville receiver not named Matt Jones finally came through with a big game? It’s a little late and they still lost to the Colts, but we’ll acknowledge Mr. Northcutt’s performance, and most likely pick against them in our lines on Friday.

Man, I really hope they've since taken that banner down.

(Note: we would put David Garrard on here, but sine he had relatively lofty expectations at the beginning of the year and has failed to meet them in every conceivable way, we’re deeming him ineligible).

4) LaMont Jordan
You could probably just throw every single Patriot onto this list (outside of Randy Moss and Wes Welker) and no one would argue. But holy hell, remember when LaMont Jordan was going to turn around the Raiders running game after being signed from the Jets as Curtis Martin’s backup? Yeah, neither do I. But someone told me about this during the game. And now here he is, accumulating 78 rushing yards and two touchdowns in what seemed like a single quarter of play.

Probably a good indication that you’re not ready for the NFL playoffs is that you’re giving up 18 fantasy points to players like LaMont Jordan. And it’s not even done so deceptively. New England was setting up in run formations with him as the lone back, handing it off and letting him run wild all over ‘Zona. I have no idea who the Cards are playing in their first hosted playoff game in a half century, but I’m willing to give the points.

5) Devard Darling
He is making this list solely because we’ve never heard of him until Sunday and he was the runner up for our Tim Hightower Week 16 recipient. Darling amassed 3 catches for 69 yards and a touchdown against the Dolphins, which is an admirable performance for anyone. But there were less obscure names with higher production totals that we snubbed because this is, like we mentioned earlier, a very slow week for unforeseen great performances. So we put the fifth year vet from Washington State in our five spot.

Honorable mention: Cedric Benson (171 yards, one fumble lost), Ted Ginn (75 total yards, 4 receptions, one rushing TD), Justin Gage (5 receptions, 104 yards & 1 TD), JaMarcus Russell (236 yards, two touchdowns), Marques Colston (9 receptions, 99 yards, 2 TD’s)

Back tomorrow or Friday with advice and picks for the last week of the season. Have a happy holidays and we’ll see you all on Friday.

*= Not really, but the hyperbole makes it so relatable.

If you actually sat through last night’s game and it wasn’t redeemed by either the outcome or fantasy success for you (we can’t imagine anyone with any of these players were feeling good about aspect of the game), rest assure that neither of these teams should make the playoffs. And if Chicago does manage to qualify for the post-season (needing a win against Houston and a Vikings loss against the Giants), then you can take comfort in the fact that they won’t make it out of the wild card round.

Maybe I was still embittered from my fantasy football catastrophe the night before, and maybe since we only watched the second half of the game we never fully settled in with this matchup. Whatever it was, we were bored as shit watching an overtime game between the two oldest rivals in the NFL. I think the fact that we had such high hopes for Green Bay and the fact that they have been such a tremendous letdown probably factors into why we were so turned off while watching this last night. When you publicly state that a team is destined for competitiveness and they turn around on you and lose to the 2008 Jacksonville Jaguars, it can result in some pretty strange reactions. Mine is to loathe every game this team plays from here on out.

Really, I can’t tell if it would be more depressing for Detroit or Green Bay to lose next week. Detroit, on one hand, is facing massive layoffs in the face of the economic crisis and their team is on the verge of going 0-16, not to mention they are the first ever 0-15 team in the history of the league. Rob Marinelli looks about ready to breakdown crying every time he is interviewed and now he’s being ridiculed at press conferences for nepotism that probably isn’t helping matters.

Alright, it’s probably the Lions. But can you imagine the Green Bay faithful if they lose to the sob story described above. They haven’t lost to the Lions at home since 1991, they’ve lost five straight games to give them a current 5-10 record and they no longer have the Good ‘ol boy to validate themselves. Things could get ugly. I’m almost rooting for the Packers to win just because they’re the home team. And trust me, if Green Bay hinged on a single industry that is about a year away from total collapse, I probably would. But we’ve done a complete 180 from yesterday. We’ve gone from considering this game must see television to regarding it as one of the more depressing sporting events of the past decade. There are no winners in this race.

I still think going 0-16 would be an appropriate end to the Millen era.

Anyhow, nice job Packers. You’ve become such a sad sack yourself that we can’t root against you in a game with an 0-15 team. How is this even remotely possible? If you’re looking for a coach that deserves to be fired, it is probably Mike McCarthy and whoever their defensive coordinator is. Because for the most part, Aaron Rodgers, the guy everyone was so hesitant to give the keys to the engine to o in the first place, has not been the problem. In fact he’s the 8th highest rated passer in the league. That’s a higher rating than either their running game or any aspect of their defense. So yeah, feel free to can Mike McCarthy. You will hear no self-righteousness from this website.

Anyhow, as hinted at before, the fantasy aspect of this game was pretty fucking terrible. Unless you had Robbie Gould or Greg Olsen (and maybe Aaron Rodgers), you were probably hoping for more. And even then, Olsen caught 5 catches for 49 yards, but one was for a touchdown so it’s a redeemable performance for a tight end. Of course, if you’re starting Greg Olsen as your tight end then you’re obsolete to the rest of your league anyways. Gould is a kicker and put up a minimum of 8 points in most leagues, which is stellar for a kicker. Aaron Rodgers threw for 2 touchdowns and 260 yards with one interception to boot.

Actually, upon further review, Ryan Grant finally came through for his owners with a receiving touchdown and about 100 yards of total offense. Congratulations, to all of you who drafted him in the second round. You probably didn’t even start him do to prolonged ineptitude this season and because they were playing the Bears, but if you had the stomach (or lack of options) for it, he finally came produced like you expected in week 16. And he averaged 2.4 ypc to do so.

In other words, unless you were in a close game to begin with, this contest provided virtually no satisfaction. I like Aaron Rodgers and the Packers offense, but he completed 24 passes to ten different people. This is a nightmare for fantasy owners. It’s basically the receiving version of run-by-committee started by the Broncos after Clinton Portis left town.

Luckily the Packers aren’t a playoff team. Otherwise this might be the new trend that bucks conventional wisdom in the NFL. You know, like putting the ball in the hands of your best playmakers is a winning proposition. Not to say it isn’t the best option for Green Bay to spread the ball around. With all due respect to Greg Jennings, he isn’t exactly Jerry Rice. But there are too many game changers in the league at receiver and tight end for this to make fantasy football an even more luck based endeavor than it already is. Just because the Packers do not have any doesn’t mean no one else does.

Oh, now that all the games are wrapped up (and we forgot to do so yesterday), we have to present the Tim Hightower Talking Fantasy Football Award winner from week 16. This person we’ve never heard of before, most likely because he plays for the Raiders and sports three names to his resume. He went to school at UTEP and managed to net three receptions for one touchdown and return one more on a kickoff. Your Tim Hightower Award winner for week 16 is none other than Johnny Lee Higgins. Congrats, Johnny, on rising from the depths of obscurity to make a name for yourself in a meaningless week 16 game and for pissing off Ronald Curry owners everywhere.

Back with five letdown performances either later today or early tomorrow.

So we thought we would actually follow through on a second post that we had promised in our first. Crazy, I know. But I can’t imagine alienating more people than I already have without doing anything to anyone on a personal level.

But it was a pivotal week, as the penultimate week of any sports season tends to be, especially with how the NFL scheduled their season this year. We had about four different games with win and your in implications for both teams. Between Minnesota-Atlanta, Tennessee-Pitt, San Diego-Tampa, NY Giants-Carolina (didn’t even include Baltimore-Dallas), in addition to a plethora of upsets including the Jets losing to Seattle, Denver losing to Buffalo and Philly losing to Washington, it was probably one of the more eventful weekends of the season.

We mentioned last week that if Brett Favre can’t get it done against Seattle to make the playoffs that it would implore him to retire, never did we think that the performance would be so terrible that he might not even have the option. Sure, if the Jets decide to cut him he will inevitably be able to find a job somewhere else, but who would’ve thought it would have come to this? Not to say we shouldn’t have, set aside one good year (2007), Favre had a run of about five poor to mediocre seasons strung together. That’s basically what we are seeing with Favre in the second half of the season.

(Note: I’m fully prepared for them to beat Miami next Sunday, just to debunk mine and everyone else’s knee-jerk reactions to…well, about six bad weeks in a row. It seems like any games they won during that stretch were in spite of Favre, not because of him).

But enough about Favre. Everyone talks about Favre and everyone over-reports on him. We’ve dedicated a solid paragraph to him and already it feels redundant. Can’t we all just agree that he is no longer a viable fantasy option and move on? And not just because he is leading the league in interceptions, though that is certainly part of it.

Let’s talk about the Seahawks, whom we referred to earlier as being among the elite of the bad teams in the NFL (defined as anyone with double digit wins by week 16. There are eight of them, and we could have nine by seasons end). It is extremely probable that had the Seahawks not been plagued by injury this season (worse than anyone other than the Patriots), they probably would have won this division.

You're going to tell me that the Cardinals can hang with this sorcery? I think not.

When I say “extremely probable” I actually mean: Is that even disputable? The Cardinals look how the Cardinals are legally obligated to look. I hear they had to pay a small fine for deceiving us all for the first twelve weeks of the season. St. Louis and San Fran were predictably terrible. That leaves Seattle, who are giving Mike Holmgren a semblance of validation before he “retires”.

Staying in the NFC West, San Fran is getting their fans hopes up. It’s almost painful to watch. Them and the Texans are the two teams heading into next season that everyone will bandwagon as the “sleepers” for 2009, even though they’re not really sleepers because if everyone is proclaiming you a sleeper, then you cease being one. But I imagine both will inevitably fail to meet expectations for their respective fan bases because their late season surges this year were more the result of timing than anything else.

There is an outside shot that the performances from both teams this week will help quell that, but I highly doubt it. When people do retrospective analysis, they never get into specifics. Ron Jaworski claims that the Niners are going to win the NFC West he’ll probably say “The Niners won five of their last six in 2008″ but won’t provide the caveat “suffered a close win against one of the five worst teams in the league because they were the only one of the six teams the Niners played that were actually bad enough to take them seriously”.

For the Texans, he might delve into a little more detail adding, “The Texans won five of their last six, including a win against the 14-2 Tennessee Titans”. But that thrashing at the hands of the *cough*Oakland Raiders*cough* will conveniently fly under the radar. In other words, these two games say something about the future of the two teams. Do not be surprised if either of them are right back at the bottom of the division.

Still, we will say it’s possible for both of them as long as Alex Smith isn’t involved.

Of all the losses of the weekend, I have to say that Philly’s was probably the most disappointing. At least in terms of expectations. They were playing a team that hasn’t competed for a win in about a month, and have lost to everyone on the talent spectrum from the Ravens to the Bengals. Yet only managed to muster up a paltry three points. I think the Bad News Bears had more tenacity at the beginning of their season than the Eagles currently have at the end of theirs. Not to mention that they could have been playing for a playoff spot in week 17 had they managed to put up a single touchdown in addition to their field goal.

Also, the fact Reggie Brown wasn’t another foot inside downfield to be inside the end zone was a testament to how shitty the receiving corps. has been in Philly during McNabb’s tenure there. In fact, outside of the Superbowl season with Terrell Owens, this current batch of receivers that consists of Kevin Curtis (who had never been better than a third option with the Rams), DeSean Jackson (a talented but extremely flawed rookie) and the aforementioned Reggie Brown (he is barely noticeable most games); is the best they’ve had in a decade. And DeSean Jackson still managed to cost them the game with three critical dropped passes (two of which were for touchdowns).

But that didn’t stop Andy Reid from throwing the ball 46 times and only running it 16 (12 were for Westbrook). This is why Philly fans pine for his replacement, and why it seems so irrational to the rest of us not in the city. Let me be the first to say that as an Eagles fan, I want Andy Reid to stay. But I can understand the frustration they feel after games like this. Or with the state of the team in general.

My stance on the issue comes strictly from the standpoint that I don’t think they can do any better playing the market and their still looking down the barrel at a potential 9-6-1 season. Just look at it from their perspective: If your team was potentially going to be barred from the playoffs because they lost two divisional games against a .500 team and they couldn’t do better than a tie against an NFL team in Ohio, you’d probably consider it systemic and want a replacement at top too.

Anyhow, if there were any games we haven’t covered or any fantasy performances that we didn’t mention, it’s probably because they were innocuous and we don’t need to dwell on them. I know everyone is looking for some analysis detailing the ins and outs of Ricky Williams and the Chiefs game. But I’m sure someone, somewhere else is providing such riveting prose on the subject.

Back tomorrow with more.

You guys know me, I don’t like to complain. But the result of yesterday’s fantasy matchup was just a little too much for me to keep my mouth shut. For starters, the three guys I had playing in the Thursday night game racked up 75 points for me, with seven players left to my opponents 8, I felt like I had it in the bag. Well, going into the Panthers-Giants game I was sporting a 40 point lead with Jon Stewart left. In short, the person I’m playing decides to start Derrick Ward and Brandon Jacobs. Ward goes on to reach milestones that we haven’t seen since Jim Brown, and Brandon Jacobs rushes for three touchdowns, only to give one of the more incoherent post-game interviews I’ve seen this side of Lloyd Carr.

Whatever, the guy who beat me hadn’t once scored over 130 points all season, out of nowhere he goes into Monday night with 157, and still has his kicker going. I would just like to point out that Ward and Jacobs have not managed to have simultaneous serviceable, much less great fantasy performances in the same game. My opponent was hedging his bets to what some might say a comical degree and it managed to payoff. Not only did he get over 300 yards of total offense and three touchdowns out of it, he also got a win and a chance to play in the finals. Where the likelihood of such a thing happening again is a virtual impossibility.

There are a couple things I could have done differently, namely switched out my kicker (Neil Rackers) for someone off free agency and played New England’s defense instead of Minnesota’s. But even with Arizona’s tribulations in cold weather, I would have never thought they would look that bad. Ever. So I passed on New England’s defense which is known to give up points and kept Neil Rackers in for the same reason. Not realizing that the Cardinals were basically the aliens from Signs.

Speaking of which, is there an outside shot that Ken Whisenhunt and the Cardinals are putting us on, and losing these games so spectacularly to keep the other five NFC playoff teams on their heels? He had to figure they weren’t getting a bye, so why not just bottom out and lead everyone to believe you’re a pretender going into the playoffs at 8-8? I mean, I would assume it was just the weather (as we’ve gone over before), but they made Tavaris Jackson look playoff ready at home last week. And I am skeptical that anyone is this effected by some frozen water. I know I sort of conceded that they were just a second ago, but I still do not believe it.

Also of interest from that game: Considering Randy Moss has eleven touchdowns on the year and it’s considered under-performing (it’s less than half he had all season), I think it speaks in droves about this New England team and Moss himself. He’s tied for the league lead with Boldin and will break 1,000 yards receiving again next week against Buffalo. In short, he’s still the best receiver in the game, he just can’t have Aaron Brooks, Kerry Collins or Andrew Walter throwing to him. Wait, that’s not even remotely fair. What I meant to say was: he can’t be in a Raiders uniform. I would assume the problems with Raider nation are more systemic than just the plethora of sub-par quarterbacks they’ve had since Rich Gannon retired. No team is that unlucky.

So we're all in agreement? This Never happened, right?

Well, except for the Browns, that is. Right now that entire city is still demanding playoff like performances from their team, and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, Cleveland. But it’s never going to happen. At least not in 2008. Your team hasn’t scored a touchdown in five straight games, before that they pissed away three losses and managed to break all sorts of records while doing so. Right now, this is the only team in the NFL that would be a dog at home against the Lions.

And it’s nothing personal, Browns fans. They just really are not that good. They all seem to be reading from a different playbook, Jerome Harrison and Donte Stallworth do not see the ball nearly enough, not to mention all of your receivers are disgruntled and your coach looks scared shitless every time they pan to him on the sidelines.

But all of that is moot, really. Because you’re not going to be winning games in the NFL with Ken Dorsey as your quarterback. He threw three interceptions, and if you’re wondering what that brings his touchdown-interception ratio to after three games and a quarter, it’s 0/8. I guess the Browns finally decided to put him out of his misery and send Gradkowski in, who managed to add a fourth one to that, making Cinncy’s sporadically feisty defense look like the ‘85 Bears.

Personally — and this is just my opinion — if they wanted to play a quarterback from a north Ohio MAC school, they definitely went with the wrong one. Josh Cribbs has probably thrown the best looking passes the Browns have produced in the past three weeks. He played quarterback at Akron and if nothing else, he can bide his time with scrambling and even gain yards on the ground. That alone makes him a better option that Ken Dorsey.

Oh well, at least they managed to make the other half of the state feel a tad better about the state of their team. If nothing else, Kirk Fitzpatrick seems to have grown into a suitable backup for the 2009 season. And really, that was all the Bengals were going to get out of 2008 anyways. So long as they didn’t go winless and there were signs of improvement, I say this in all seriousness, the Bengals couldn’t have expected much more from the season.

Sure, you could have expected them to prepare themselves better for the inevitable injuries that plague every team these days, but the circumstances being what they are (Carson Palmer out, and aging offensive line and Chad Johnson, no reliable running back), a potential 4-11-1 season isn’t look so bad. Right now they’re one of the better really bad teams in the NFL, on par with the Seahawks. Bang up job, Mr. Brown. With any luck you can draft the next Chris Perry in 2009.

Moving on.

As expected, Detroit was blown out by a Saints team that’s attempting to get their quarterback over 5,000 yards, because if they’re not going to compete for the playoffs, they want to at least showcase that they had the best quarterback in the league for the 2008 season. Anyhow, Detroit has one last ditch effort against a defunct and indifferent Green Bay team next week. I actually consider this must watch television, which should tell you something about how lightly I take the NFL. At least they have an army of draft picks for next season even if it still won’t be enough to right the ship. Then again, maybe I shouldn’t speak so hastily, look at the Dolphins this year.

On a fantasy related note: I take it all back, Marques Colston. I take it all back. I still manage to lose in heartbreaking fashion this week, but by golly for once it wasn’t because I drafted you in the fourth. I don’t want to give you too much credit, all you had to do was put up a decent game against the Lions. But all we ask when it comes to fantasy football is that you refrain from making us look idiotic. Thomas Jones made us look ridiculous in 2007, and made us look even more so this year when we passed on him form (gulp) Kenny Watson. That’s what he gets for putting up Ki-Jana Carter like numbers in 2007, he gets to make me look like a spiteful idiot.

(Back to the Bengals running game for a second: what the fuck happened with Kenny Watson anyways? Is there a reason they benched their leading rusher from last season, after releasing their leading rusher from the previous four seasons other than to feel validated in that horrible Chris Perry draft pick in 2004? Ladies and gentlemen that make up Bengal nation: This is why your team’s running game isn’t any stronger: Spite. Unfortunately for you, they’re running an actual NFL franchise and not a fantasy team).

There was a lot to get to from the past week, in real and fantasy football alike. We’ll try to cover it later today. And if you’re an avid reader of this site, you know that in no way is that going to happen.

Alright, given our content with how the past week of NFL contests went, it can only mean one thing: That those of you who were having great seasons are now eliminated from your playoffs (assuming you have a playoff). We do not like to be too self-indulgent on this website, so here are five players that gravely disappointed you on Sunday. We do not want to trigger any flashbacks, so if the weekend was particularly difficult for you, it’s best to turn away.

1) Brian Westbrook
Given that they won 30-10, one would assume his stat line has to be askew: 67 total yards and 3 receptions. But no, I watched that game in its entirety and that is accurate. Are The Browns so god awful now that one dimensional offenses like Philly can veer away from that one dimension and still win handily? I’m afraid so. It looks like Westbrook used up all his garbage points in that four touchdown game that slaughtered me on Thanksgiving. So, in other words Westbrook owners, you’re not getting any sympathy from here. As long as the Eagles win, I could give a shit how if I’m devoid of any of their players for fantasy.

It's probably had to believe that this symbolizes the glory days for any entity, but it does for the Browns.

2) Chris Johnson
He should really be in the top spot because he doesn’t have Westbrook’s excuse, his team lost. To an inferior opponent. But since he sort of splits carries we’ll let it slide. What’s worse is that everyone knew it would happen. That’s right, everyone knew a 12-1 team was going to lose to a 6-7 team because…they were on the road? I have no idea. But I do know one thing, his 65 rushing yards and two yards on two receptions didn’t help matters.

3) Larry Fitzgerald
Now that his team has been properly exposed as a fraud, do you think there’s a chance he’ll close out the last two weeks of the season strong? I guess they have to be playing one of the ten worst teams in the NFL at home to expect much out of all the Cardinals. What’s even more mind-boggling is that on the heels of this extraordinary loss to the Vikings, the pro-bowl starters were announced yesterday, and Kurt Warner got the nod at quarterback. As well as Boldin and Fitzgerald at receiver. That’s right, your starting receiving corps. and quarterback for the NFC all come from the same team. Anyhow, I hope that makes you feel better as a Fitzgerald owner after his 5 catches for 52 yards. Him and his counterparts have shammed their way into an all-star game that no one wants to play in. Congrats.

4) Brandon Marshall
Is it too much to ask that a pro-bowl receiver has two games in a row? Can this Denver team not blow a division championship to a team that can at best go 8-8? If Brandon Marshall can’t stem together two games in which he doesn’t disappoint fantasy owners, their is a good chance of it. 5 catches for 48 yards doesn’t get your team into the playoffs in weeks 16 & 17. At this point, we’re actually rooting for the Chargers. We don’t really give a shit either way, but if the Chargers are winning that means Vincent Jackson is probably performing. And much like the Chargers themselves, Jackson is the X-factor on my fantasy team.

5) Jason Witten
What happened? You used to be so dependable and were considered the best tight end in the league with the predictable premature decline of Antonio Gates and Tony Gonzalez (whom never actually declined). Yet you only have one touchdown in your last eight games, and that was the one game you tallied more than six catches. The Giants have a stifling defense, but you’re a tight end. You’re supposed to be the last, safe option when your QB is facing a tenacious pass rush. I guess you were probably blocking and Romo is afraid to throw to you lest Owens gets jealous. But still, 5 catches for 44 yards? It’s amazing you guys won so convincingly.

Honorable mention: Cris Cooley (6 catches, 51 yards, one fumble lost), Tim Hightower (20 rushing yards 20 receiving yards), Anquan Boldin (6 catches, 34 yards, one fumble lost), Eli Manning (2 INT’s, no TD’s), Terrell Owens (3 catches for 38 yards, how the hell did they win this game?), TJ Houshmenzadeh (3 catches for 19 yards)

Well, that was some Monday night game. Nothing like setting off the work week with an abomination of a performance from the Browns as they suffer yet another shellacking, this time at the hands of the Eagles. Who I might remind you, couldn’t muster up even two touchdowns against the Bengals. I can’t believe we’re going to watch an NFL game in 2008 this Sunday with Ken Dorsey and Ryan Fitzpatrick leading the two offenses onto the field. I think we’re at a point with the NFL in Ohio that the two cities to the north and south of me need to quietly amass a boycott. Given, some are trying to attempt one already, but that’s only for Cincinnati. We need to pull our resources and make this a statewide effort.

Don’t get me wrong, there were some bright spots from last night’s contest. Who would’ve thought that only 15 weeks into the season, Braylon Edwards would start to make plays. I think this is evident but I’ll say it anyways: Ken Dorsey has earned himself the starting position. Sure, they only amassed 3 points on offense and Edwards only put up roughly ten fantasy points, but Edwards didn’t drop a single pass. That has to count for something, right? Just a moral victory? OK, then. I’m still not starting him this week.

I imagine this was one of the 30-something drops on the season.

On the Eagles side, is their a team more flaky than this one? They can steamroll the Cardinals (apparently a small feat if you do not reside in the NFC west), the Giants and the Browns (just to cover all degrees of opponents); yet get blown out by the Ravens and not put a single point on the board in an overtime game with the Bengals. Are they a playoff team? Probably not. Right now we have three teams sitting at 9-5, a half game in front of the Eagles, and one a half game back in the Bears.

That means even if you take out the divisional winners as they currently stand, Philly would have to be one of five teams competing for two open playoff spots. I don’t know what the schedules look like and I’m not going to research it, but if it’s possible for Tampa, Atlanta and Dallas to all win out, I wouldn’t put it past any of them to do so. Nice job Philly, your temperament is going to cost you a chance at the playoffs because you couldn’t beat the Bengals. That is something that doesn’t happen everyday: the Bengals were an actual obstacle for a playoff contender. Surely it was a result of not trading Chad Johnson when they had the opportunity. That’s why they beat the Redskins, too.

Also, a piece of advice to Andy Reid and Joe Banner: You might want to recalibrate your expectations of Kevin Kolb. He only threw a couple passes last night but one of them was for an interception, and the one game this season where he received significant reps (@ the Ravens) he looked patently awful. Seriously, just consider drafting one of these Big 12 QB’s (Daniels, Harrell, Bradford or even Tebow in the SEC if he comes out) with one of your late first round picks (they have the Panthers 1st rounder after trading the rights to Jeff Otah away in the 2008 draft).

Anyhow, that game last night was indicative of just how much the NFL owes to the advent of fantasy football. Thirty years ago, their audience would have been non-existent at halftime in every city outside of Philly and Cleveland. I don’t have the numbers off-hand, so I’ll concede that could have been the case last night as well. But some anecdotal evidence, we had two fantasy playoff contests going until the very last drive and had 7 out of the 10 participants in my league glued to the screen.

Naturally, nothing happened in one of the them as Kevin Curtis fell two fantasy points shy from pulling an improbable comeback (roughly a catch for 15 yards in our league). But in the other game, as the result of a DeSean Jackson interception, he lost his spot in the semifinals. He spent the rest of the night hoping for some garbage points from him but it was in vein. I’m pretty sure he’s under his desk sobbing uncontrollably at work right now.

Point being, regardless of the pace of the game, be it a blowout, low scoring, high scoring, highly contested or whatever else, as long as you have an active fantasy player in it, you won’t lose interest. We’ve known this for sometime, but since it was a Monday night game (the only matchup available), a blowout and we’re in the playoffs, it just seemed to typify what makes fantasy football so appealing in the first place.

We’re so regularly getting around to this later than expected that it is no longer later than expected. It’s just when we write it. So be it. Do not expect these Monday posts to go up anytime before 1PM EST and if they do, you should be flummoxed at our tremendous punctuality.

But what a letdown week from so many performers for the first week of most leagues playoffs. It’s almost unfathomable to figure just how so many players can come up so short in games that are pivotal for the playoff race. In short, if you had Chris Johnson or LenDale White on your team, you’re probably a little dissatisfied with the result. I mean, they were playing the Texans for God’s sake, it wasn’t exactly the 2000 Ravens or anything. Really? You guys can’t muster up even a combined 20 fantasy points against a 6-7 team? What can we depend on?

(On a personal note, we switched White out of our starting lineup immediately at around 12:58PM yesterday, due to a late and fortunate “Q” next to his name in Yahoo. We put in Kevin Faulk in place of him and needless to say, it was wise decision That’s right, Imma geniuse).

Certainly not the Giants, who look a little shorthanded without their star wideout. In the games they had played without Plax, I get the impression that the teams still had to prepare for him (sans that week 3 game against the Rams) and were a bit off-balance when it ended up he wasn’t going to play. Or maybe in the case of the Cardinals, they just are not all that great to begin with, and their record is askew from their actual talent by virtue of playing in the worst division in the NFL. Whatever it is, they’re not the same team without him, and this has our future bet in jeopardy. We didn’t watch the game, we were watching the Survivor finale, but if the numbers are any indication, winning big games against talented rosters is going to pose somewhat of an issue.

But that was the NFL in week 15, up was down and black was white. There wasn’t any continuity between yesterday’s games and the past fourteen weeks. Even the Colts needed the fourth quarter to beat the Lions. Needless to say, our record against the line took a significant hit in credibility. Not sure I really want to type out our record now, but lets just say that I knew the Giants were losing based on how everything else went earlier in the day. To bad we made our pick for that game last Friday instead of yesterday at 7:30PM.

Tough week for the Plaxinator and his soon to be former team.

And really, I shouldn’t say their wasn’t any continuity. Why, the Packers lost to the Jags. That’s pretty consistent with at least the past three weeks, if not the entire season. Good lord what a fall from grace they’ve had recently. Is it just nerves? Are they indifferent to the season now? How do they go from tied for the lead in a tough division to losing to Houston, Carolina (a warm weather team) at home and now to the lowly and under-achieving Jaguars on the road? We’re giving Mike McCarthy about a gazillion to one shot to keep his job at the end of the season, because the management wants someone to pin the season on who isn’t named Aaron Rodgers.

Can we even call that win from the Chargers a comeback? First of all, it was against the Chiefs. No one comes back against the Chiefs in 2008, you simply beat them. If you were down in the first place then you were being upset unless you’re the Raiders, Bengals, Lions, Seahawks, Rams and apparently the Redskins, to name a few. Secondly, the last few drives of the game I felt like could have been stopped by any competent defense in the league (which excludes all the aforementioned teams). All I’m saying is that if I’m a Chargers fan (or a Tomlinson owner) I’m not exactly thrilled when they need a series of miraculous plays to overcome a bottom-feeder in the fifteenth week of a season they were supposed to dominate. Odds Norv Turner keeps his job: Surprisingly pretty fucking high because AJ Smith doesn’t want to look like an idiot for firing Schottenheimer (sp?) in the first place.

Anyhow, it was an unpredictable week and we’re paying the price for it with our picks (we’re not linking to them one more time). But on a positive linear note, considering that whenever our fantasy team wins it squeaks out a victory against another team whose having a comparatively bad week, we actually dominated this week and scored more points than anyone else in our league to push us into the semifinals (assuming David Akers doesn’t rack up over 25 fantasy points). In other words, I hope I finish below .500 for the last two weeks of the season if this is the net result.

We’ll try to post more later, but are pressed for time as is. Definitely back tomorrow, though.