Fantasy Football

We’ll do either this or the Best of The Worst posts for the last three weeks of the season, depending on how each week goes. Since we didn’t have a chance to do a thorough recap of the week and we need to present someone with the Tim Hightower Performance of The Week award, we’re opting for this over the typically downtrodden and unnecessarily scathing list of players who failed to come through for you. So, without further ado, the players who if they did anything in your league, probably massacred your team in a freak set of circumstances that led to your opponent in actually starting him.

1) Antonio Bryant
Considering we went out of our way to take a shot at the young man, we figured it was only appropriate to acknowledge his performance from last night. Nine receptions for 200 yards and two touchdowns is probably the best receiving performance of the season. Not in terms of fantasy, but in just well-rounded professionalism. They still lost. But it certainly wasn’t a result of his shoddy play. Of course, he’s only owned by 68% of Yahoo teams, some of which probably picked him up last night during the game, so lets say it’s 60%. It isn’t a stretch to assume only half of the teams that did own him actually started him, which means that only 30% of Yahoo teams had the leading fantasy scorer of the week in an active roster spot.

2) Seneca Wallace
We toyed with putting him in the top spot but decided against it since Bryant was in fact the leading point scorer for the week. Never the less, their wasn’t a thing about this game that couldn’t shock someone out of a coma, not the least of which was Seneca Wallace throwing for three touchdowns. Considering he is only owned in 2% of yahoo leagues, we’re awarding Seneca Wallace the Tim Hightower Award of the week. Congrats Seneca, our expectations for you are so low that you’re earning an award named after a current rookie in your sixth season in the league.

It was just like that first half of his last season at Iowa State. Man, that was glorious.

3) Bryant Johnson
Finally. He finally lived up to the “he’ll be a star wide out now that he has a starting position in an offense under Mike Martz” hype that was forwarded at the beginning of the season. All it took for this to happen was a head coaching change, two quarterback replacements and 13 games. Man, I would have held onto him if I knew that he would come through so abruptly with 6 catches for 49 yards and a touchdown. Anyhow, this is only sort of unexpected since we actually picked San Fransisco to cover.

4) Vinsanthe Shiancoe
We’re reluctant to put a tight end on here, only because any big game from a tight end beyond the top five or six is relatively surprising and he was facing the Lions. But he does play for Minnesota after all, who currently have the 25th worst passing offense in the league (we’re surprised it’s that high); and he is relatively unknown. So in a week as uninspiring as this one from all perspectives this is what 5 catches for 65 yards and a touchdown will earn you.

5) John Carlson
Naturally, unless you live in the northwest or went to Notre Dame, you have no idea who this is. Well, he’s a receiver for the Seahawks who was on the receiving end of one of Seneca Wallace’s three touchdowns, not to mention the other seven catches he had. Deon Branch had the other two, but since he is relatively well known and we hadn’t hard of John Carlson until today (or if we have we forgot about him), he is getting the five spot.

Probably it for today. Back tomorrow with advice for week 15.

This is on ongoing segment we’ll hold onto, as kvetching about inexplicably bad performances is half the enjoyment of participating in fantasy sports. Considering only roughly 20% of us ever finish in the money or walk away with a sense of validation, I think maintaining the one weekly post where we single out and ridicule various players is a necessity.

1) Peyton Manning
Maybe you deserve this top spot and maybe you do not, but I have you on my team so we’re putting you here regardless. Jesus. One would assume that in times like these, I wish I had a second quarterback on my team, but it’s exactly the opposite. If I had, say, Gus Ferotte as a backup and he is playing the Bears like he did this week while Manning is playing the Browns; there isn’t a chance in hell I’m starting Ferotte over Manning based on the inconceivable notion that Ferotte could outscore Manning under any circumstances, much less quadruple Manning’s fantasy production on a single play against a superior opponent. So instead of being bitter that just my first round draft pick had an unbelievably terrible performance against one of the leagues worst defenses, I would have been bitter that I left a perfectly viable performer sitting on my bench to rot. Anyhow, get fucked with a farming utensil, Peyton.

2) Vincent Jackson
You’re not exactly a power player so you probably do not deserve this sort of recognition. But still, what the fuck, Vincent? You play an entire game and you fail to catch a single pass. We live on the other end of the country so we weren’t able to watch the game, we had assumed you were Anquan Boldined or something. But no, you just failed to score even a fraction of a point in fantasy. More importantly, Who the fuck still goes by Vincent in their 20’s? Isn’t it just customary to cut it to Vince, or Vinnie, if you want to go the Italian route? I think this explains a lot about why you can actually start a game at receiver and fail to score a single point or have any impact on the game whatsoever.

It may not exude athletic prowess, but if someone said his name at least I would assume it was in reference to an adult.

3) Braylon Edwards
We could fill this list with people on our fantasy team alone, but I promise this is the last one, as it’s kind of a stretch. Shit, relative to that putrid contest that took place in Cleveland on Sunday, Edwards was among the top performers. I mean he only caught two passes for 36 yards, but still, it felt like the world was going to collapse on itself with both receptions. This isn’t really warranted anymore. Once you have so many terrible weeks in one season, you’re supposed to be excluded from contention here. But Edwards has been such a regular disappointment that I can’t help myself. Oh, and he has Ken Dorsey throwing to him for the rest of the season, too. To be frank, we can only go uphill. Shit, at least on their last drive, Dorsey had the balls to throw to him beyond five yards. That was impressive.

4) Laverneus Coles
I’ve never encouraged a player to retire in any sport, but I think it’s time we hang up the cleats, Laverneus. Two receptions for two total yards are Rudy numbers. That is, the books will recognize that you played but no one else will. Thanks for showing up, I hope the long distance relationship with Chad Pennington is going well, but it appears to be effecting your season. I mean, you have Brett Favre, Mr. Gunslinger/unapologetic interception throwing to you. He’ll throw into triple coverage for a five percent chance of getting you the ball. And you only manage 2 catches for 2 yards. Disgraceful.

5) Brandon Marshall
Alright, what the fuck is going on? Has Eddie Royale in his rookie year usurped you during your breakout season? That would be unprecedented turnover for an NFL team. The only time I can recall this happening is Randy Moss out-shined Jake Reed in his rookie season when Reed was about to take the leap. They both had good seasons (everyone on the Minnesota team did), but Reed was an afterthought to Carter and Moss. What’s amazing isn’t that you failed to score ten points, it’s that you failed to do so while your teammates racked up 34 points of offense in a stunning upset. Five catches for 55 yards might get you recognition in the real world, but over here in fantasy land that only earns you the wrath of hapless pretend owners. It’s palpable, I know.

Honorable mention: Clinton Portis, Frank Gore, Matt Cassel (couldn’t do it based on only a two game history of great games, but the hype he received for those two games, the backlash was tempting), Joseph Addai, Antonio Gates, Randy Moss.

Probably it for today.

This was a rather askew week for fantasy football and the NFL alike, mostly as a result of a fucking monsoon devastating the 4PM and Sunday night games taking place in the eastern time zone, but it definitely had an effect on the 1PM games as well. If anyone was unfortunate enough to watch the Browns-Colts, then you can probably attest to as much.

First off, let me just say that I can definitely sympathize with anyone who had fantasy players in that game who weren’t either defenses. I’m not sure if it was the weather or what, but if I had any authoritative control over what took place in Cleveland yesterday I would be offering a tearful apology. It looked like Romeo Crennel was actually under the impression that his 6-3 lead that he accrued in the second quarter would actually hold the entire game, so the conditions must have been atrocious. Or Crennel is an overrated coach who had one fluke season with a soft schedule and is clearly in over his head. Tomato, tamato.

But when you have Manning, Braylon Edwards (and to a lesser extent, Dallas Clark) on your roster in just that one game, and you face a four touchdown Brian Westbrook performance, well, it’s impressive that you even finish within fifty points of your opponent. Not to mention a Vincent Jackson performance that failed to net a single catch in yet another disappointing home loss. Combine that with Denver winning in surprising dominant fashion at the Jets, and their season is effectively over.

But enough self-loathing, as their was a litany of lopsided surprises this weekend. In addition to the Broncos beating the streaking Jets, Minnesota racked up 34 in a win against the defensive oriented Bears, Pittsburgh decided to show up this week and put a drubbing on the Patriots in New England and though it was a little more even, Carolina managed to make me look like an idiot by winning in Green Bay. The latter turned out to be the only entertaining game of the week.

For a week with fifteen games played in it, eight of them were decided by 16 points or more, another was the Chiefs-Raiders, one was the aforementioned Colts-Browns, a third was the Niners 10-3 win in Buffalo (marking the first time a pacific team beat an eastern team on the road), and another was a 16-12 eyesore involving the Dolphins and Rams. That leaves three games that may have proven intriguing, and their was nothing all that spectacular about any of them.

In short, it was a terrible week to be confined to a living room watching football. The only thing that could have redeemed it would have been a fantasy win. Or even the potential for a win. Being subjected to the Colts-Browns wasn’t exactly making for a great afternoon. At least over on FOX we had a Giants-Redskins contest that everyone insisted was going to be hotly contested.

It wasn’t. The Giants beat them as convincingly as they seem to beat everyone these days. Which brings me to the Plaxico Burress debacle, who might have just exceeded every conceivable measure that one could lose a fantasy player. I wouldn’t know how long it takes to recover from a self-inflicted gunshot wound to the leg, as I only watch The Wire and don’t attempt to embody it (Speaking of which, someone should tell Burress that Avon Barksdale and Stringer Bell never carried a firearm; so he probably doesn’t need to either). But even if he is cleared medically to play before the end of the season (which he won’t be), I can’t imagine Coughlin, Giants front office or law and order Goodell approving his return.

Naturally, because things had been trudging along too smoothly for the Giants, it looks like Antonio Pierce could be implicated in some wrong doing for potentially disposing of the illegal firearm of which Burress shot himself. Derrick Ward was reportedly at the club with them, but doesn’t seem to have any rumors circulating about his involvement. Now, one could look at the three games the Giants have played this season without Burress (this week, last week against the Cardinals and a one game suspension against the Rams) and conclude that they probably do not need him to repeat. But losing Pierce would be catastrophic, as the Giants are stretched thin on defense as it is. Normally I wouldn’t care about any of this, but when you have a $50, 20-1 stake in a teams season, it tends to pique your interest.

Right now, the Giants look like the clear cut favorite to win the NFC, but with the Titans, Colts, Steelers (and to a lesser extent) the Jets all peaking at the right time; that AFC supremacy we’ve heard about for the past seven or eight years starts to look more and more glaring. For the time being, they’re still the favorites. But teams have under-performed in the past with much fewer setbacks and distractions. We’ll see just how much like Teflon this Giants team is next week against the Cowboys.

And finally, in honor of the crapshoot that is the 2008 NFL season, we’re going to be issuing an award for the least suspecting performance of every Saturday every week. Last week we dubbed this the Tim Hightower/Peyton Hillis/Mark Bradley performer of the day, but for the sake of brevity we’ll cut it to the Tim Hightower award. The stipulations for this award is that you have to be owned by less than 30% of the leagues on Yahoo, relatively obscure and have an aberration of a performance for one week.

This week’s Tim Hightower award winner: Mark Clayton. Clayton, a fourth year receiver out of Oklahoma managed to receive and pass for a touchdown last week against the lowly Bengals. He is often confused with Michael Clayton, who was also a first round draft pick taken out of LSU the season before Mark. Our winner has toiled away in obscurity as Baltimore has struggled to find a legitimate passing game ever since Vinny Testaverde bolted for the Jets in the late 90’s. So congratulations, Mark Clayton, on dropping a third of your seasonal production in one week on nobody in particular because you’ve never been reliable enough to own, much less start.

That’s it for today, back with more tomorrow.

Hello, hello. Since we do not want to completely abandon our top five premise that served us so well for the past ten weeks or so, here are your five biggest disappointments from the past week of football. There were plenty to choose from, and we needed an extra day to actually get it down to just five. Let’s just stop the lolly-gagging and get down to it.

1) Santana Moss
My, my, how the mighty have fallen. We’ll readily admit that something is inherently wrong with your team’s play calling when you only beat the Seahawks by three, but fantasy football is about irrational vendettas against individual players. Because I can’t imagine, on what other plane of existence someone could be so guaranteed to succeed and yet fail so regularly. I’m sure your owners are, for the most part content with your season thus far. Given the unsteady nature of receivers this season, you’ve been about as good as they’ve come. But that doesn’t excuse a four catch 72 yard game with no touchdowns against one of the worst pass defenses in the league. I don’t know about anyone else, but I can’t wait for Moss here to fall back into obscurity next season. Because right now, you feel fucked if he has a great game against you, and fucked if he’s in your lineup and has a game like this one. It’s borderline unbearable.

2) Brandon Marshall
That’s two terrible games in a row now. Oakland, for as much of a clusterfuck as they are on offense, do have an underrated defense. But it’s only underrated because everyone assumes it’s amongst the worst in the league. It’s really about average. So congrats, you racked up 4 catches for 84 yards against an average defense and a terrible franchise. I’m willing to bank on the fact that you underrated it too, and are over-confident that you’ll make the playoffs because of your unfathomably terrible division, and you’re probably right. But considering you’re now regarded as a top fantasy receiver, I can’t imagine how many games were decided by this dismal performance.

I prefer my Marshall's to be ominous universities in West Virginia.

3) Chris Johnson
I’m not going to lie, I never thought we’d put his name up here. This guy has been beastly in his rookie season, but this is two games now he’s been thoroughly exposed, and this time it cost his team their first loss of the season. It wasn’t entirely his fault, the receivers all turning into Braylon Edwards didn’t really help matters. But no one is expecting a receiving corps. spearheaded by Justin Gage to look like the ‘98 Vikings, and your 46 yards and lost fumble aren’t really helping matters. In short, you failed miserably and now have everyone predicting your team loses to the Colts and falls short of the Superbowl.

4) Jonathan Stewart
You probably don’t belong here, but this is personal. You actually start to get carries and albeit it was against the Lions in week 11. So we thought, what the hell? His ceiling is relatively high and if he’s actually getting carries in a game they were losing, surely I can expect the same amount of touches and relatively similar productivity against a divisional foe, right? Wrong. Like, fifteen total yards, wrong. His honky fucking quarterback managed to out-rush him and scamper in for a touchdown. For fuck’s sake, how does a team put up 28 points and their first round rookie running back only manage fifteen yards? In 2008? Oh, that’s right. They were on the road. Heaven forbid I expect a solid game when you have thousands of people hoping otherwise. I forgot about the delicate sensibilities of the NFC South.

5) Roy Williams
Anyone capable of cognitive thought knew that the Cowboys were giving up entirely too much for you. And while I’m sure everyone appreciates you proving them right, you still have fantasy owners to consider here. When your team only needs 3 catches for 36 yards out of you drop 35 on the Niners, you might want to rethink how vital you really are to any team success over the past…well, your entire career. Part of it isn’t your fault, that team is loaded with passing options (Barber, Witten, Owens, Crayton), but you were a at worst a fifth round pick, now that you’re on a semi-functional team its time to start acting like it.

Back with previews of the three games tomorrow.

Well, I hope everyone who owns any Saints feels vindicated. Even Marques Colston manage to make his week 12 performance look respectable. In short, when a team drops fifty-one points in a Monday nighter, everyone involved should be happy. Including those who put money on the over, against the line and any fantasy owners. I’m pretty sure that if they played every game in New Orleans, they’d win the Superbowl.

If you’re looking for assistance on how to set your roster for fantasy football, a team’s record is a good indicator. What style of defense do they struggle against? Are they reliable against good defenses? Do they perform consistently? Does injury to the starting running back effect the quarterback and vice versa? In other words, what have these teams shown you that can assist you in making an educated guess about setting your roster?

We keep repeating it, but look at the NFC South and their road record vs. their home record. All four teams. The collective home record is 20-2, versus a road record of 8-14. Now, most teams are more comfortable at home and their is usually evidence to support that, but these numbers are abnormally lopsided. Not to mention that some of the road wins include the Bucs needing overtime to beat the 1-10 Chiefs (also a road win against them from the Saints) and the Bears, Two more of them come from the Panthers against the Raiders and a last second win against the Chargers, and a three point win from the Falcons at Lambeau. Basically the NFC south has turned into the SEC.

Admittedly, it's not an easy place to win at.

All six of the aforementioned road wins were tightly contested and for the most part low to average scoring. If they go a different way, you’re looking at a 2-20 record on the road, the exact opposite of their collective home record. What this generally tells you, is if you have any fantasy players on either the Saints, Panthers, Falcons or Buccaneers and they have a road game that week, unless it is against an incredibly shitty defense (and even then Tampa managed to lose to Denver on the road), I recommend seeking out alternatives. Sure, their are mainstays that you always start like Brees or Steve Smith, but the Muhammad’s, Garcia’s, Colston’s, Jenkins’ and Moore’s of the world are replaceable on any given Sunday. Or Thursday, Saturday or Monday.

Other than that, there wasn’t much else to take away from the game. Green Bay will fluctuate in performance every week just like Chicago and Minnesota, and it will come down to a tiebreaker to determine who wins the division. I hope the NFL is happy with their salary structure. It could literally be a coin flip to determine who makes the post-season and no one could really complain. I missed the post-game analysis, but I imagine everyone was claiming Green Bay is going to miss the playoffs in favor of either Minnesota or Chicago because they’re “too young” or something, despite the fact they split the season with Minnesota and mercilessly devastated the Bears two weeks ago. One has to love the failed long-term memory of 90% of NFL talking heads.

Hopefully back later with something.

Well, that wasn’t half bad. In case you were wondering or even happened to notice, we made picks against the line last week just to see how we would fare and to have it documented for public consumption. So far, we’re 9-4-2. We whiffed on the Jets-Titans game with glorious incompetence and the game we were most confident (i.e. obnoxious) about (Chargers-Colts) actually ended up being a push, but seem to have a pretty solid understanding of the league with five weeks left in it. You’re welcome.

At this point, I’m just beginning to feel bad for Chargers fans. The day they lost that game to Denver on the blown Hochuli call, I drunk off my ass at 3:30 in the morning playing poker at Caesar’s with a slew of disheartened Chargers fans who were feeling trepidation about the season current season. I did my best to reassure them of their team’s talent, poise and budding superstar quarterback, and that would be enough to carry them into the playoffs even with the one horrendously close loss.

Well, if you were watching the game last night and paying even an iota of attention to Al Michaels, you would have heard him on one of the 132 times he mentioned it that the Chargers have now lost four games this season within the final 30 seconds of regulation. When you play only sixteen games a season, that will cost you. Because the parity being what it is, you’re not going to be competitive in every game. Occasionally you will lose decisively.

When you lose over a quarter of your games scheduled (with five to go) in heartbreaking fashion, you’re going to miss the post-season. If they win out the best they can do is 9-7 and given that their defense looks like something from a Varsity Blues opponent, I wouldn’t be too optimistic about their chances. Not to antagonize, but if it makes you feel any better, 9-7 probably isn’t getting you in the playoffs anyhow.

At least there's something to distract you from your crushing home losses.

Other than that, we learned a few things going into Thanksgiving. Namely, that the Giants are unquestionably the best team in the NFL right now, and barring injury should almost coast to the Superbowl. It warrants mentioning that barring injury isn’t exactly some little caveat for this team. Yesterday they handled what is arguably a top five team in the league right now, on the road, and without their two best playmakers in Brandon Jacobs and Plaxico Burress. Basically, the only players that whose losses would set them back gravely are Manning and Tuck. But for how injury prone this team is, it seems like that cloud is eventually going to start raining on their least expendable offensive and defensive players.

Shit, Tuck wouldn’t be nearly as integral as he is if Osi was playing this season, but that is just a testament to coaching that they can have as shallow a bench as they did yesterday and still be dominant. Outside of one inexplicable curb stomping at the hands of the completely inept Browns, this team looks poised to repeat.

The march to unsuspecting mediocrity continues in the NFC South, as each and every team proves incapable of playing on the road. The Panthers got down 17-0 before eventually giving up 45 points to a rookie quarterback and a running back who doesn’t break 5′10. Bang up job, guys. You want to know why they lost and their offense was so inept in the first half? Because Jake Delhomme wasn’t exactly making a point to spread the ball around. He completed 21 passes on the day, over a third of which were to Steve Smith. If your defense is going to play so tentatively, then you have to match them point for point and actually diversify your targets, not just throw 15 balls to the same receiver. So yeah, eat a bag of dicks, Delhomme.

/Muhsin Muhammad owner rant. Sure he caught a touchdown, but it was in the final minutes of the game and was noticeably under-utilized for the first fifty-five.

Ugliest game of the week goes to the Philadelphia Eagles, who also took home the prize for most dysfunctional and most indifferent. Congrats on the big week, guys. If you could, I would like McNabb, Westbrook and Andy Reid to apologize to every fantasy owner who put their faith in your clearly chaotic organization, only to see you throw Kevin Kolb to the wolves on the road against a top five NFL defense. You guys are obviously missing the playoffs, but your defense could at least contain Baltimore to under 30 points. You just made Joe Flacco look like Joe Montana, and that he most certainly is not. Good luck with all your draft picks next year. Maybe you’ll land yourself Michael Crabtree. But since it is now apparent you’ll need a new quarterback to throw to him, maybe you’ll land Chase Daniels as well.

Speaking of awards, our Tim Hightower/Peyton Hillis/Mark Bradley award this week goes to…Harry Douglas. Harry, a rookie who played his college ball at Louisville and never really got on the field until Bobby Petrino left (and who ironically sort of sent his current team into a downward spiral), managed to get rack up one rushing touchdown (despite playing with Jerius Norwood and Michael Turner), one punt return for a touchdown and 92 yards on four receptions all in one day. Congratulations to Harry, and the people who started him in leagues composed of 24+ teams.

In short, it was a great week to own aging receivers (Owens, Randy Moss, Coles & in an entirely different spectrum of aging, Isaac Bruce), undersized running backs (Kevin Faul, Warrick Dunn, Michael Turner, and DeAngelo Williams) and quarterbacks you probably didn’t start unless you drafted Tom Brady or are in a league that doesn’t fit within the parameters of your compute monitor (Shaun Hill, Chad Pennington, Matt Cassel, Tyler Thigpen, Trent Edwards and to a lesser extent, Jake Delhomme). If you were wondering, I just named 15 of the top 25 scorers for week 12 of the 2008 fantasy football season. In short, it was basically like every other week, with names scheduled to change unaccordingly.

Back tomorrow with more.

We skipped this feature last week due to an abundance of average to great performances from players who are supposed to perform. Expecting such performances two weeks in a row would be lunacy. So here are five players that quite possibly ruined your Sunday.

1) Brian Westbrook
We mentioned it before, but when all you can really say about his performance on Sunday against the Bengals is he wasn’t listed as questionable, then we might have some problems. To only manage 71 total yards and no touchdowns against that worse than shaky Bengals defense…we’re starting to wonder about your longevity. We will give you this, unlike Tomlinson, you have virtually no firepower surrounding you sans for a hot and cold rookie wide receiver, and the play calling for that game in particular was atrocious. But still, make better use of your touches to at least get your owners 15 points. You’re supposed to be a stalwart, not some quivering aging running back with nothing left in the tank. Get it together, man.

I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt, Westbrook, and just assume you were distracted.

2) Adrian Peterson
You’re lucky your good days are so breathtaking because we can’t stay mad at you. But 85 yards and -3 yards receiving? Are you fucking kidding me? This is what I get for my top three pick? Congrats on costing your team and dire sports city the game. Sure they rely on you too much but it’s for a reason. Shit, they could have thrown in Chester Taylor and gotten this type of production.

3) Andre Johnson
It’s personal between me and you, son. I go out of my way to make room for you in my salary cap league. I think, hey, they’re playing the Colts, how bad could he possibly be? Well, the answer is 4 catches for 55 yards. I hope it’s fun playing for a laughing stock for your entire career. Nothing like getting absolutely pwned by the same three teams in your division twice a year for the rest of eternity. We’ve had three quarterbacks now to make you look respectable, and your consistency is non-existent with any of them. We’ve made excuses for a long while on your behalf, but are beginning to believe you’re at least part of the problem.

4) Santana Moss
You were bound to cool off eventually given the nature of the offense you play in. But 5 catches for 29 yards against that broken and depleted Dallas secondary, that’s all you have to offer these days? If your goal is to validate our pre-set notions about you: bang-up job. If it’s to restore the faith in your apologists, well, you failed miserably.

5) Kellen Winslow
You’re lucky there were so many ungodly terrible performances this week, because we almost threw up watching you play which usually warrants a top spot. But we were about one more dry heave away from going to ER as a result of (amongst others) the four above you. Personally, I was playing against you this week so I was all the better for your 3 catches for 40 yards. But couldn’t help but feel a tinge of sympathy for my opponent who needed Soulja boy to outscore Braylon “dwarf hands” Edwards by six. You should have seen how confident he was on Monday morning and just devastated on Tuesday.

It for now, hope to post again later.

A hectic morning and a trip to the chiropractor to adjust my fucked up from sitting in a car for 16 hours this weekend back, have pushed back the regular time for our Monday recap. My apologies for that. It must be rough on all of you, when my back is in excruciating pain and you have to wait a couple hours for a shitty blog post about fantasy football as a result. Again, terribly sorry.

Our discomfort personified.

Anyways, now that we’re here, lets retread the format we usually do this in (sprawling nonsensical and deliberately ill-informed opinions about the state of the NFL and fantasy football) and switch something a little more traditional: Things from Sunday that may have pissed you off and things that put a smile on your face. This isn’t everything worth reporting from the week. Nor it will be our last post about it. Also yes, we are aware of the inverted logic here. Just go with it, OK?

Things that pissed you off:

-The continued public humiliation that everyone who drafted Marques Colston has been subjected to for the past eleven weeks. He makes a good show of it last week, catching 7 balls for 140 yards (we saw later that he dropped a touchdown, but that is still an immensely respectable fantasy performance), instigating all owners to plug him into the starting lineup this week. Naturally, he can only find it in his arsenal to produce 3 catches for 30 yards. Christ, he would have done most of us a huge favor if he hadn’t played. But going up against Kansas City and coming off his first good week of the season, the allure was too tempting for a real breakout game. You know, one where he actually gets in the end zone.

-Eagles fans, Westbrook & McNabb owners. You just tied against one of the five worst teams in the entire league because you couldn’t manage so much as a field goal attempt in overtime against a historically bad defense. McNabb, Westbrook & Andy Reid’s play-calling (or play call approving) are a significant reason why. Never the less, I can’t even fathom that Eagles fans actually want Reid fired. That seems crazy to me given the lack of firepower he is given on the offensive side of the ball. Since he has been the head coach there, he has had four players make the pro bowl: Westbrook and McNabb multiple times, Terrell Owens for the first year they had him and Chad Lewis in 1999. That’s it. He’s basically the Jeff Fisher of the NFC and a good chunk of the supposed fan base wants him out. Unreal.

-My advice. God, are you a fucking idiot. If you look at my two posts guessing what would happen this past week, then you would know that the outliers are the guys who actually came through. This is why we try to post any actual advice with a degree of hesitancy. Because while we might have staunch opinions about what may or may not take place, we’re fairly certain that our knowledge of the NFL is about as thorough as the hammer to the knee thing is when testing for cancer. That is, you might want to be a little more investigative and get a second opinion before you conclude anything.

Things That Put A Smile On Your Face:

-The continued emergence of Peyton Manning. I actually know people who cut him earlier in the season. Not traded, outright cut from their roster. Peyton Manning. This really shouldn’t be such a surprise, but everyone associated with the NFL is acting like they never saw this coming. “OMG, I can’t believe arguably the greatest quarterback ever rebounded from a slow start! Whouda thunk it?“. Since week five he has gone for over 200 yards and at least two touchdowns in every game. Well done, people who cut him for Kyle Orton. You just balanced out your already balanced league a little more.

-Anyone in a two quarterback league who started Matt Cassel or Kerry Collins. While you have all the reason to be ecstatic about you foresight and subsequent fortune I have this to say: Fuck off. You are benefiting from a season that excels in mediocrity and spontaneity and rewards the lucky as opposed to the skilled. We hope you enjoyed your week. But we also hope that Vince Young tears Kerry Collins head off and that Matt Cassel is signed to an overpriced contract next season that devastates your favorite team.

-Peyton Hillis. That is, if you actually trusted Denver enough to acquire him and put him in your starting lineup. Unfortunately for any of you who actually did that, we regret to report that Denver recently acquired to supplement their running game with the regularly disappointing league nomad Tatum Bell, most likely because Shanahan fucking loathes people who play fantasy football. Even though his contract would be a fraction of what it currently is without the vested fan interest. Other than that, all we can say is I hope Hillis loads his luggage with iron weights.

I’ve watched football on a pretty regular basis for the past fifteen years or so, and I don’t think I’ve ever been so unimpressed with a close football game as I was last night. Turnovers, penalties (two called back pick sixes which must have been deflating for anyone with the Cards defense, blown assignments, dropped passes…this is life in the NFC west. I guess its a testament to the Cardinals that they were able to pull it out, but we feel like the game demonstrated why the Niners are still struggling and the Cards are going to be devastated in the playoffs more so than it was clinic of high caliber NFL football.

None the less, and I will give him credit here, Mike Singletary made that team look like they actually play football for a living. It wasn’t the prettiest performance I’ve ever seen and the Cardinals effortlessly sliced up that defense, but the offense looked competent. That is something I haven’t been able to say about the Niners since the Jeff Garcia-Terrell Owens days. He seems to have righted the ship for the interim, its a matter of reaching their destination at this point. Sadly, for Niners fans, I think that means a max of six wins on the season.

But anyways, we like to hold off on doing our “best/worst of week ___” lists after Monday’s game for obvious reasons. And this game produced about fifteen viable candidates for each list that we limit to five. So here they are, you’re fifteen surprise performers from week 10.

1) Dustin Keller
He has been lurking around for the past few weeks, establishing a repore with Brett Favre and doing all the right things to make himself an asset for the playoffs. Remember Favre’s proclivity to throw to the tight end in Green Bay? Whether it was Chmura (who had his own set of proclivities), Franks or Donald Lee, Favre seemed to love the tight end as an unsuspecting bail out as opposed to the running back. In other words, this is the probably the first and last time we’ll consider his performance a surprise.

2) Mark Bradley
Who the fuck is Mark Bradley? Is he white? He sounds white, making this all the more implausible. I think next year I am going to do a free public league and start nothing but special teams players and third down backs at the skill positions to see how I fare. Anyhow, its good to see the Chiefs have a new potential weapon other than Dwayne Bowe.

3) Tyler Thigpen
I know we had him on here last week so this is technically breaking the rules. It’s kind of fucking retarded to have a list of players that exceeded expectations, and then put one of them on here in back to back weeks. But this is Tyler Thigpen we’re talking about. He went to Coastal Carolina! was a third stringer coming into the season! He’s two years younger than me! Any week he passes for over 200 yards and 3 touchdowns, he has guaranteed himself a spot on this list. If his coach wasn’t an erratically principled mess and set to go down in flames, he may have even pulled out the win with some more favorable officiating. We would say he’s the priority regardless of what happens with Brodie Croyle and Damon Huard, but again, Herm Edwards is a mystery wrapped in a riddle. He could put a gazelle in at receiver and it wouldn’t surprise us.

Meet the new slot receiver for the Kansas City Chiefs.

4) Bo Scaife
Way to piss off the ‘72 Dolphins, Bo. When the Bears bottle up your run like Chris Johnson is Shaun Alexander in 2006, you come through with ten catches for 78 yards and a touchdown. Needless to say, you mightily upset not only the Dolphins, but also the 11 other teams in 12 team leagues. Thanks to your efforts and the Steelers blowing a win against the Colts, we are now believers in the Titans. This team will get to the Superbowl in the ugliest way imaginable. Ironically, we still think you lose to the team Collins last went to the Superbowl with.

5) Joe Flacco
Alright, fine. We’ll give credit where it’s due. And Joe Flacco deserves a lot of credit (though we’re still not sold on his merits for a long career as a starter). They played the Texans, which are inarguably the worst fantasy defense in the league. But he’s a rookie quarterback for a team that would be in the playoffs if they started today. A two touchdown, two point conversion and no interception performance gets him the five slot here.

Sort of an odd duck week for fantasy football. Production was kind of low again, yes, and the players who actually showed up weren’t the standard game breakers nor were they the bottom rung NFL players who probably aren’t even on a fantasy roster (with obvious exceptions to both the former and the latter). We are actually stunned with our degree of inaccuracy for week ten.

I think the best way to describe the brand of player with statistical output in week 10 would be as a second tier starter. What is this bullshit? One might ask. Well, someone that qualifies as a second-tier starter would be a player that is a regular fixture in your starting lineup, but someone you aren’t overly loyal to and would consider replacing for a reserve if they have a favorable matchup. Or probably even more common: Someone you aren’t exactly heartbroken to see on a bye week.

There are several players who fit this mold, like Marques Colston. This is specific to this season because in the past two years Colston has been a top-tier wideout (even when you could line him up at tight end). But this season? Well, in the games he had actually played in, he had only totaled five catches for 222 yards and no touchdowns on the season. Naturally, what did he do yesterday? Seven catches for 140 yards. He still failed to get into the end zone but those numbers are more than sufficient and a promising sign for the second half of the season. Who would of thought that the best passing team in the league would actually use their best receiver? Crazy.

In short, if you had Colston, Maurice Jones-Drew, Thomas Jones, Todd Heap, Bo Scaife, D’Angelo Williams or Wes Welker (demoted to second-tier with Brady’s injury), then you probably fared pretty well this week assuming you drafted adequately in the first five rounds of your draft. If you do not have any of these players, then you probably feel incredibly bitter and shitty about the bad beat you just took (especially if you went up against Jones-Drew or Jones).

We also continued the season of mediocrity from pro-bowlers and miscellaneous, inexplicably phenomenal performances from previous no-names (more on both tomorrow). In respect to the latter, if you or someone else in your league lucked out with a big Jerious Norwood game, I’m sure they railed on about their foresight to put him in the starting lineup. But more likely than not, their performance fell to the wayside that is this year’s waiver wire or was positioned firmly on someone’s bench.

Its a little late in the week to be kvetching over the myriad of shitty fantasy performances from NFL players in week nine, especially when we personally outscored the rest of our league. But stewing over a perceived wrong done incidentally to us by people we never have nor will we ever meet, is what makes fantasy football enjoyable. How often does anyone get together with the people in their league and boast about getting someone like Chris Johnson in the middle rounds? Never. Its always to lament Larry Johnson’s poor performance and off the field troubles.

So apparently the Chiefs have cheerleaders. Color me shocked.

Seriously though, if you drafted Larry Johnson anywhere in any round and didn’t expect some setbacks — be it on or off the field — then congratulations, you’re a moron. That is more indicative of a personal flaw in how you approach fantasy football than anything that has happened with Johnson or the Chiefs this season. We’re not casting aspersions here, we lost our first four weeks of the season and all our “predictions” are well documented, so obviously we’re not immune.

For instance, we took Braylon Edwards with our second overall pick under the impression that he (along with the Browns) would make the leap this season. We dismissed the fact that they had harder scheduling in 2008 than 2007 as negligible given the parity of the league, and we chose to ignore the premature hype being exhibited by both the fans and the team. Or rather, we let the hype get to us as we bought into the notion that their succession to the NFL elite would happen naturally, and Edwards would only improve, or at the very least come close to matching the 16 touchdowns he had last year.

In short, that hasn’t happened. He leads the leagues in dropped passes, and has two great weeks and one good week in the first eight games of the season. Shit, last week he had damn near 20 points and still dropped a potential touchdown pass (that’s what the genius in the booth claimed anyhow, we find it hard to believe he was breaking for the end zone when he was tackled promptly after touching the ball). So even when he has a great fantasy week its technically under-performing, because it could have been significantly better.

What I’m saying is, fantasy football, much like any other activity you may participate in, requires a degree of self-assessment. Usually if a guy has a seemingly inexplicable terrible fantasy season, there is usually something right in front of your face that you are, for whatever reason, overlooking.

That’s why the following players piss me off so very, very much.

1) Marshawn Lynch
Get fucked with a ninja blade Marshawn, you hippy prick. So let me get this straight, you are playing at home, against a defense that at best could be described as mediocre, you are one of the few backs that doesn’t share a substantial amount of carries, and you can only muster the strength to put up 16 yards rushing? Yet another nail of futility in the Buffalo sports fan’s coffin.

2) Randy Moss
We struggled with whether to put you on this list or not, given the quarterback situation and all the injuries to the backfield. But then we figured that was complete bullshit, because Dan Orvlosky is the starting quarterback in Detroit and has played half as many games (if not fewer) than Cassel has played with Moss. So fuck you, Moss, get your thumb out of your ass and demonstrate some actual concern for whether you win this season or not. They should have to worry about fumbles from Green Ellis, not you.

3) Joseph Addai
Essentially, unless you had Peyton Manning or Anthony Gonzalez (maybe Kevin Faulk), you weren’t going to be pleased with how Sunday night’s game went for you. Addai returns from injury to play a media-hyped rival, and 43 yards of offense is all you’re good for? Was I mistaken to cut Dominick Rhodes in favor of Shaun McDonald on Tuesday? Aren’t you supposedly a “beast”? Where am I getting this information from? Clearly I need to rethink my sources because none of what I’ve been led to believe is factual.

4) Plaxico Burress
You are an asset, Plax, but I’m starting to think the team might be better off without you at this point. Something in the off-season has rubbed you the wrong way, and it might be time for them to officially clean house and rid themselves of the dissatisfied triumvirate of Barber, Shockey and apparently you that existed before they won the Superbowl.
Sure, you kept quiet all last season and for most of this season (with a few obvious exceptions), but your disgruntlement seeps through in your posturing, on the field, on the sideline and the occasional interview. Because when your team drops 34 on a division rival and you only manage three catches for 34 yards, that kinship between you and Eli might be starting to fade. Knee jerk reaction? Sure. But they’ve won convincingly twice this year without you, we don’t see why they would be incapable of doing it all the way to the Superbowl.

5) Brandon Marshall
My God what an awful game. Two games for 27 yards and a ton of shit talk about one of the better defensive players in the league after he and his team made you look like Javon Walker. Congratulations on bringing a new phrase into the lexicon (popcorn muscles), we really have no idea what it means, but if you weren’t a complete reject we’d assume it was a compliment because again, you had two catches for 27 yards. Good job.

We’ll try to get to replacements later today.

At some point on this site, we’re going to follow through on a promise. Right now we’re like the Pacman Jones of sports blogging, but we’ll get better.I try to be good, I really do, but sometimes I just can’t help myself.

Here are your week nine surprise performers.

1) Peyton Hillis
He wasn’t the leading scorer this week, but the fact we’ve never heard of him before carried a lot of water. He’s a running back if you didn’t already know, but all his points came on 7 receptions for 116 yards and a touchdown. A down week from the entire NFL allowed him to finish 12 overall in scoring with those numbers, and he was projected at 1,930th, which earns him this spot even more because I had no idea there were that many people in the NFL.

That is why we have no idea who he is. He played behind Darren McFadden and Felix Jones. Must have had a good combine.

2) Tyler Thigpen
He scored more points than Hillis (that will tend to happen when a quarterback receives a touchdown), but he gets knocked down a peg because we found out who he was a few weeks ago. Sorry Thigpen, your old news ’round these parts. We just expect you to produce now. Congratulations on only barely losing, sir.

3) Donald Driver
Driver makes a grand return from the grave, snagging seven catches for 136 yards and a touchdown. We wouldn’t have won our week without him, but now we are conflicted as to who to start between him, Braylon Edwards, Colston, Vincent Jackson, Donnie Avery and Muhsin Muhammad. We should probably try to acquire some running backs.

4) Derrick Mason
Hey, anyone who has Joe Flacco throwing to him and is the leading fantasy scorer for the week deserves a spot somewhere on this list, particularly if its a receiver whose good for about two games every year. It’s partially his fault because he decided to play in Baltimore, and as a receiver you suffer those consequences. But he isn’t all to blame because who the hell could have expected the passing offense would be this bad for this long?

5) Koren Robinson
He was only 25th overall in scoring and it was mostly thanks to a fluke long touchdown. But this is Koran Robinson we’re talking about. Mr. Shakes, as I like to call him. Any weekend day not spent in a drunk tank is a good day for this troubled talent. Maybe he can turn into a viable receiving option for the Seahawks and lead them back to prominence with Hasselbeck when he returns to full health, like the Seattle faithful were expecting…I’m just kidding. We all know this team won’t be in the playoffs for at least five years. I hope you’re all excited for the Matthew Stafford era.

This was a great week for generally terrible fantasy options, so we have a rather lengthy honorable mention list:
Jeff Garcia
Anthony Gonzalez
Michael Jenkins
Joe Flacco
Chad Johnson
Ray Rice
Gus Ferotte
Eddie Royal
Antonio Bryant
Ryan Fitzpatrick
Greg Camarillo

I’d like to thank that last few reliable players in fantasy football for mailing in god-awful weeks to make this honorable mention list possible. Just when I had a shred of hope in the legitimacy of a fantasy sports game, you rip the fucking rug out from under me.

So, we promised to do a post yesterday, previewing last night’s game…and of course we never did. Frankly, I can’t figure out why anyone would read this site based on all the empty promises we throw around here. And in this instance it wasn’t that we were too busy or tired or anything else, we just forgot that we made the promise.

But a recap of it is almost as good, right? I mean, it might not help you at all with your roster, and the game was relatively boring so there isn’t much to add, but maybe it can lead into a season preview for the two teams. Alright, probably not. But its getting late in the morning and this is what we decided on. Go vote or something.

Idiots all across the country looked to this game to determine the outcome of the presidential race, as the outcome of the Redskins game the week before the election has coincided consistently who was elected. This has usurped “the curse” for the Red Sox as the longest suffering conversation piece in the sports lexicon for yours truly. In fact, any sort of conversation about sports being effected by karma or having some greater meaning tends to great on our nerves. The Red Sox didn’t win a series for damn near ninety years or whatever because Bill Buckner was clumsy, the Redskins link to the presidential election has too many qualifiers on it. You could probably find hundreds of instances in which X has happened instead of Y, thus this party was elected to the white house.

Up until 2004, when the Redskins lost their last home game that meant the incumbent party lost the election, and if they won, the incumbent party stayed. The premise that it has to be a home game means that the last game could have been up to a month before the first Tuesday in November (if you include a bye week). So the argument is, if the Redskins had lost at home at some point in the past month and it happened to be the last home game before the election, then the challenging party took the presidency. Wow, it must be fate! This even spilled over into one of our favorite television shows.

Yeah, until it isn’t because it’s something that someone sought out so they could write an article about it and everyone would talk about how astonishing it is. We need someone to find another tie in, particularly in an arena that I don’t give a shit about. Maybe some genius can find some correlation between Dancing With The Stars and who wins the White House, so we don’t have to hear everyone mention this under the impression they are being original.

As for the game itself, there wasn’t much to be said about the Redskins, who looked to be running on fumes last night. Portis ended his string of 125+ yard games, falling well below the milestone with only 51. Jason Campbell streak of games without an interception ended, and in colossal fashion with two ill-timed picks. Sure, you could accredit the glaring shortcomings to the Steelers, who still have a top five defense (we place them behind the Giants, Eagles and Titans); but the Skins just looked…inefficient. And tired, and exactly what everyone expected this team to look like at the start of the season.

The Steelers do not have any cheerleaders, the Redskins have some of the better in the league, thus your picture choice.

What I’m saying is, should you have Santana Moss, Jason Campbell or Clinton Portis, do not be surprised if their numbers start to depreciate. Especially Moss, who even after yet another down week is still second leading fantasy receiver behind Anquan Boldin. Portis is on pace for 400 carries and Campbell has been playing beyond himself ever since the Giants game that kicked off the season. In short, expect the Eagles to finish second in the division.

On the other side of the field, the Steelers look prime to challenge Tennessee for the AFC representation in the Superbowl. Additionally, do not be surprised if Leftwich is acquired by someone who has Tony Romo in your fantasy league. With a sound offensive scheme, several weapons and a qualified coach, expect him to put up some decent numbers as he has less pressure on him than any backup in recent history.

It was a night of not only departures for the Steelers, but for returns as well. The aforementioned Leftwich (who wasn’t even on a team at the beginning of the season), Santonio Holmes came back from his two week weed smoking hiatus to grab a touchdown and Parker came back from injury to get in the endzone with 71 yards rushing to boot. All contributed to a big Steelers win, on the road in a hostile Monday night venue. If you asked us to pick an AFC representative for Tampa in early February, Pittsburgh would be them.

But in all, it was a relatively boring game. Pittsburgh dominated on both sides of the ball and were very opportunistic like only a hateable team like the Steelers can be, and Washington looked like they might be end for a longer than expected eight weeks. It’s a shame, because Washington might not wear those spiffy all burgandy uniforms again for a good while.

Back with top five surprise performers from week nine later.

Damn, that was pedestrian. Comparatively speaking, we expected something different from last Sunday, but this was probably the lowest amount of total offensive output since opening week. Depending on how you score your league, there is a great chance that either Derrick Mason or Tyler Thigpen is your league’s leading fantasy scorer for week nine. Hey, remember when I made the claim that there is no accounting for any fantasy performance from any skill player because none of them are given preferential treatment anymore? Yeah, that was clearly mistaken. Everyone knew Thigpen would run up the score on Tampa (we’ll obviously have more on this later).

But that was just kind of the week it was. The matchups were odd (Houston-Minnesota. Have those two ever played before?), the injuries were fruitful and palpable, Cincinnati won (beating the suddenly lowly Jags) and we didn’t really see any monster scores put up by any team, and thus, no one player. This was the week that paid off for every nitwit in your league that drafted a defense too high.

The Jets-Bills game was a perfect example of this. They put up a total of 43 points, which consisted of two defensive touchdowns, five field goals and only two offensive touchdowns. How can one anticipate this? It’s impossible. The Jets defense has consistently been a letdown, the Bills defense is mediocre, but yet both probably scored you pretty favorable weeks relative to the rest of your league if you actually started either of them.

Even the Cowboys and their putrid D managed to put up a pick six, to give you some idea of how bizarre of a week it was. This will always and forever be the type of week that some of the worst teams in your league come through with a victory, assuming they’re still setting their roster. So naturally, we dropped a personal best on the season. If only Marques Colston could have a bye every week.

I couldn’t believe how the Titans were distributing carries. Namely where they were distributing them at. Actually, it was just one carry from the three yard line that they gave to their speed guy (Johnson) after LenDale got them downfield. Give my man his fucking due and let him reap the cheap reward for all the hard work of dragging his fat ass down the field for 54 yards. Speaking of which, what kind of fat fuck runs for 54 yards and doesn’t get in the end zone? Surprisingly he didn’t need the oxygen mask afterward, which disables us from our punchline. He must be rationing his meals to five a day instead of an over-sized three. The healthiest thing anyone has ever done from himself was when LenDale went from five quarter pounders three times a day, to three quarter pounders five times a day.

Some people think we're being too judgmental.

Other news from around the league, Cleveland managed to lose even with Braylon Edwards having a big game, which basically means they’re hopeless. Their defense made Derrick Mason, with Joe Flacco throwing to him, look like Cris Carter in ‘98. That is how you blow a 14 point lead with less than two quarters to go and manage to not surprise anyone.

In other disappointing for their fans news, the Broncos managed to lose at home to the Dolphins, which I guess we have to quit being surprised by (on both ends of the stick). As of right now, Denver has a lead in the AFC west with a 4-4 record, making that conference the worst in the league in a landslide. When Oakland is 2-6 without a single viable fantasy player (at least not by our standards), and is only two games out of the division lead, you know you’ve fallen from greatness. At least the NFC west is producing the Cardinals, who are on pace for a 10-6 season.

But there wasn’t much of a theme yesterday other than a deeper delve into fantasy whirlwind of nothingness. Right now I am waiting for the first ever six receiver set. Sure, it might be against the rules, but I think its time someone tried to slip it by the refs. Enough with these “rules” and “limitations”, we need literally a roll of the dice to determine how we’re going to fair from one play to the next. It’s time we bring Urban Meyer up from the college ranks and get him and his unpleasant demeanor to convince the rest of the cronies running the NFL that this is for the best.

Preview of tonight’s game later.

Are you just searching for something to be pissed off about? Well, if this shallow, joke of a presidential election, the sagging economy and international hostility are not enough for you, or if you live in the woods and are unaware of all this, here are five fantasy players who might of turned your beshitted roster into a full blown laughing stock this week.

1) Maurice Jones-Drew
It seems like every week Jones-Drew is making one list or the other, but when you put up barely seven points against the Browns you are guaranteeing yourself a spot here. Given, the Browns defense is noticeably better than last seasons, but when you make me look like an idiot I do not take it lightly. I will impotently put you on this top five and you will never hear about it. Check and mate. But honestly, I do not think there is a more frustrating player to have in a starting lineup. He either breaks off two touchdowns or is held under fifty yards with no scores. Jones-Drew is the NFL equivalent of an It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia episode.

2) Michael Turner
You sort of took us all by surprise by the way you started the season and we always thought that would be short lived. But my God, man. Only 58 yards rushing against the Eagles? What the hell happened? We understand you’re only 5-10″ but you way an unfathomable 244 pounds. It is only one game, but when you can’t even punish the Eagles perennially sorry run defense, we worry you might already be showing your age. Longevity probably isn’t an trait for someone who is packing that much weight into such a short package.

Then again, you could probably burn down the stadium and still leave a better legacy than what they are use to in Atlanta.

3) Reggie Wayne
Yikes. Where the hell were you last night? That was an epic fail, Mr. Wayne. They could have reacquired Brandon Stokely and he would have put up better numbers, at least he would have been under the radar. But more importantly, I want to thank you Mr. Wayne. I had Dallas Clark and my opponent had you in their starting lineup, thank you for failing to get open so frequently that Manning had no choice but to throw to his tight end. Your three catches for 29 yards didn’t exactly compensate for the two touchdowns.

4) Terrell Owens
I think we’re at the point where your performances are so regularly mediocre that you don’t qualify for this list. But even with the surprising win against a sleeping giant in the Bucs, we suspect you are stewing over only getting five catches for 33 yards. It’s like, geez, why can’t Brad Johnson just throw me the ball more? Why is he so stupid? Whatever, I don’t even care. I am giving it two weeks after Tony Romo returns for Owens to threaten Wade Phillips publicly.

5) Ronnie Brown
How the hell did your team manage to be the Bills with you only rushing for 43 yards and no touchdowns? Oh, that’s right Ted Ginn finally lived up to the hype. Or proved the naysayers wrong, which ever your perspective. Normally we wouldn’t put you on here because we have such little respect for your team (despite their surprisingly average record), but 43 yards is awfully low for a guy splitting carries with the dealer from Half Baked.

Back with more later, hopefully before I leave work.