Fantasy Football

Well, another Sunday has passed. And one less ungodly horrible week of fantasy football has gone with it. We consider this a good thing, since our fantasy team is about as intimidating as the Lions at this point. But hey, we have four players going in tonights game and our opponent has three, which has to be some sort of record for pivotal players in a Monday nighter.

There wasn’t too much out of the ordinary that happened in week eight. The Bengals have solidified themselves as the worst team in the league, being on the receiving end of a 35-6 drubbing from the Texans, who could actually make a minor run here after a tough 0-4 start. When all is said and done, Andre Johnson just might end up with the best fantasy season of any receiver out there. On the other end of the spectrum unless you have TJ Houshmenzadeh you might want to dump or attempt to trade any and all Bengals with the news that Carson Palmer is out for the season. We suspect he won’t be in Cincinnati much longer.

If you're a Texans fan, here is yet another reason to smile.

Philadelphia came out of the bye week with a convincing 27-14 win over the Falcons, who no one seems to have beaten convincingly yet. Westbrook, much like Johnson, could prove to end up being the best player at his respective position by season’s end. Two touchdowns and 187 yards can make up for a few missed games here and there.

Carolina and Arizona played in a smorgasboard of fantasy production as Fitzgerald, Breaston and Boldin all put up big games (Boldin had the biggest with two trips to the end zone), countering my assumption that if Boldin came back you should bench the Michigan upstart. On the other side of the ball, DeAngelo Williams and Steve Smith consolidated all the fantasy production for themselves, leaving my two players on the team (Jonathan Stewart & Muhsin Muhammad) in the lurch. We benched them, but they still might have had better games than at least a couple players we started.

Marques Colston continues to grate as a fantasy pick, as his team dropped 37 points on the suddenly lowly Chargers, and he only managed two catches for 56 yards. That is without Reggie Bush in the rotation, by the way. Can anyone justify starting him in week nine? In spite of my own advice, I started him over Donnie Avery and it cost me about twenty fantasy points, despite his team putting up a season high result on the scoreboard. We knew this would happen, but we are just having a difficult time cutting that cord.

And finally, in the game of the week, we saw what is likely a Superbowl preview in the Giants-Steelers game. The game was a hard fought, hard hitting grind that took well over three and a half hours to play (damn near two hours for the first half), and if you had any fantasy players that weren’t Kevin Boss, Nate Washington or Mewelde Moore in your starting roster, then you have our condolences. Even Brandon Jacobs manage to lay an egg in this one. Given his size, that is not something you would expect as the trend tends to be, the bigger the running back the more likely he is to be consistent.

But that has been the running theme of this fantasy and NFL season. Expect the unexpected. Even eight weeks in we still are lacking have a solid grasp on which teams will actually contend for the Superbowl from the NFC (Still everyone in the East, Tampa, Carolina, New Orleans and potentially Green Bay or Chicago). The AFC is a little clearer but you can only speak with so much certainty about any of these scenarios. Right now it looks like Tennessee or Pittsburgh would be the two favored candidates. But it really isn’t going to surprise me if Indy, Baltimore or even Cleveland or Buffalo catches fire and makes a run at it.

The fantasy season is even more unpredictable, as there is no accounting for Lance Moore to regularly trump Marques Colston in production, or for Leonard Weaver to have two touchdowns against the Niners. Do you even know who Leonard Weaver plays for? For the uninitiated, it’s Seattle. If you knew who he is, do you know where he went to college? Neither did I, but I looked it up and it is some place called Carson Newman, which sounds like something he could have founded himself to play college football.

Whatever Carson Newman is, it is working out for him. We watched Invincible for the first time over the weekend, and while it was a standard rags to riches, obscurity to stardom studio sports film, it was one of the better ones. This seemed rather apropos of what we are seeing this season. Players are faster, stronger and more competitive than ever before, especially dating back to the Vince Papale era. But with the way the ball is spread around and the lack of concern players seem to have with the amount of touches they see in any given week (everyone except Terrell Owens, at least), Vince Papale could be a pretty common tale if NFL teams were to hold open tryouts.

Back later with what we learned from all of this.

This is the time of the week when we officially gripe and lament the poor individual performances of NFL employees, who may or may not have done what was asked of them by their employer but potentially ruined your weekend. Usually when we do this it is just called bitching, but for this post we refer to it as critical observation.

1) Marques Colston
Is there anything about you that doesn’t piss us off? I’ll give you a little leeway given that you are coming off a thumb injury or some such shit, but to announce your return into the starting lineup then to fail to tally a single fucking reception is completely unacceptable. Not only are you the Saints first option at wide receiver, you play for the most pass happy team in the NFL, and you can’t come through with a couple screen passes for 10 yards? How am I suppose to account for that? Tell your coach to teach all of you how to play on the road. Fuck heads.

2) Peyton Manning
Way to make everyone look like an asshole after they proclaimed you to be rejuvenated after your shlacking of the Ravens, asshole. You’re going up against a team in Green Bay, who currently sports a quarterback that not only played at Cal, but is the predecessor to Brett Favre. And he sent you out of town on a rail. We regret drafting you because otherwise we would take glee in the beginning of the end to your career. Instead we have to wait in suspense to see how you will perform next. This week’s opponent: Tennessee. Yeah, we might be acquiring Kyle Orton for week eight.

3) Ronnie Brown
27 yards rushing and one catch for a solitary yard? Did you break your neck or something? Is Ricky Williams a bad influence on you? Dominick Rhodes torched this “vaunted” Ravens defense the week before, and he is an insufficient backup for a once great offense. Now we shudder at the thought of having to ever start you again. Tuberville would show you the door if you were still at Auburn and put up numbers like these, and they only managed three points against Mississippi State. Good job.

4) Greg Jennings
So your team drops 34 on the Colts, and you only manage to be responsible for 5.13 fantasy points of it. Yeah, yeah, the defense returned two interceptions for touchdowns, but that still leaves four scoring drives available that you were basically obsolete for. Is there a reason for your inconsistency this season? Driver isn’t catching shit, that much I can assure you. Quit being so fucking reluctant and assume your rightful position as the number one pass catching option on this young team. Just show some fucking poise for once in your life. I know you played with Brett Favre and all, but he isn’t there anymore. Your erratic behavior should have left with him to New York.

5) Torry Holt
So, your team also drops 34 on the most overhyped team in the NFL, and you amass 3 catches for 51 yards. Some of them were on third down, and that’s great. You think I give a fuck? “Oooh, what a valuable contributor to his team. He really comes through when it matters.” Fuck that. Are you going to really give up your spot as the top playmaker on this team to Donnie Fucking Avery? The guy went to Houston for Christ sakes. I mean, you went to NC State, which is only marginally better. But at least its in a BCS conference, even if said conference should have their BCS rights stripped from them until Miami gets its shit together and can beat Duke convincingly. But still, it was modestly respectable when you were there. And this is what you’ve reduced yourself to? Disgraceful.

You know a surefire way of knowing that Sunday’s performance was full of surprise performers, other than that my team won and won convincingly? The Rams and Raiders both pulled out wins against competitive opponents, shattering the perspectives of the opposing teams fan bases. Seriously, if you are a Jets fan and you’re all optimistic about your chances to win the division and make a playoff run, what does a loss to the Raiders do to your psyche? Peter King constantly hypes your prospects and this? It’s like your mom telling you are handsome then not being able to find a date.

Anyhow, let’s look at who came through unexpectedly in the fantasy ranks for week 7. I could just redirect you to this list and it would be legitimate, but well try to be a little more humble and objective than that, lest we upset anyone again.

1) Dan Orlovsky
265 yards passing, with one touchdown and one two-point conversion in a losing effort against a winless team isn’t exactly setting the world on fire. But when you are coming off a week in which you ran out of the back of your own end zone for five seconds to your opponents advantage, well, expectations aren’t exactly staggeringly high. Anyhow, because of their rarity we tend to over-inflate the value of 2-point conversions, so this performance was good for a little over 23 points. Congrats Dan.

I think what we can learn from this, is that a professional athlete's card can immortalize anybody.

2) Derrick Mason
Derrick Mason, now well into his fourth season of turning around the Ravens anemic passing attack, finally put up some numbers yesterday against everyone’s favorite gritty underdogs, the Miami Dolphins. You know you’re instilling false hope in your fans when you make Derrick Mason and Joe Flacco look like Rice-Montana.

3) Antonio Bryant
Tampa Bay’s quarterback situation is so inexplicable and inordinate that anytime a receiver comes through with a decent game he will probably make this list, so long as it isn’t the same person every time. And I do not think we have to worry about this being an issue with Antonio Bryant, who most people still probably mistake for being on the Cowboys. Six catches for 115 yards and a touch is good for anyone, much less a receiver who couldn’t start for the Eagles.

4) Mewelde Moore
The Steelers played the Bengals, and we have expressed our dissatisfaction for putting individual performances against the Bengals on this list. Because they are, you know, fucking terrible. But this is Mewelde Moore we are talking about, he’s not exactly a household name. I think there is an outside chance that if Mewelde Moore committed a felony, he could actually be prosecuted for his crimes….Ha! Just kidding, we all know professional athletes are above the law.

5) Owen Daniels
Damn, it has been rare I’ve actually been able to put a tight end on this list. I mean, I haven’t expected any of them to do shit since week 3, and none of have. But Daniels came through with six catches for 66 yards and two touchdowns. That, my friends, is Shannon Sharpe-esque. You see what I did there? I made you pine for the days of Shannon Sharpe in a uniform, instead of resent his days as an “analyst”, which I think is now just synonymous with “random former player with a friend at the network”.

There you have it, others we considered for the top five were LenDale White (talked about him too much on this website recently), Dominick Rhodes (ditto), Matt Cassel (on linked list above), Sammy Morris (see Matt Cassel) & Chad Johnson (Just living up to expectations, but did so with Kirk Fitzpatrick throwing to him, so consider him 5B).

Back tomorrow morning with something.

Over the course of the past few weeks, I think I’ve figured out how to properly utilize certain players for the duration of the fantasy season. It has taken me awhile, as some would consider me quite inept in all facets of life, particularly analytical ones, but here me out. I think these could be of value to your fantasy success.

LenDale White: If he is playing at home, against a shitty defense and Kerry Collins is still their quarterback. Under these circumstances, White is an asset. Under normal circumstances (on the road, average opponent, Vince Young at QB) he is a black hole of worthlessness. For instance, in week eight they are playing Indianapolis at home on a Monday night, considering the only offense that the Colts looked even serviceable against was the Ravens, who currently start a quarterback that was playing teams like Robert Morris last season, I think you would be well advised to start White if he is indeed an option.

Braylon Edwards: Only start Mr. Edwards if Kellen Winslow isn’t playing and the Browns are at home. Last week he put up 2007 like numbers against a somewhat depleted Giants defense and with Winslow on the sidelines for private (read: genitalia related) medical reasons. Yesterday they went on the road to Washington and he proceeded to drop four passes and only made his stats look respectable in the last three minutes of the game. He clearly has some sort of mental block when on the field at the same time as Winslow, in fact the entire team seems to share the same affliction. Except for Jamal Lewis, it was probably those two months he spent on the inside that hardened him to the presence of such an insufferable bloke.

Any player from any team in the NFC South: We are not one to cast aspersions, but the dichotomy between these teams on the road and at home is absurd. How mentally unprepared and inept can one be that playing on the road is that much of an team obstacle. Basically, the only team that will have any chance of reaching the Superbowl out of that division is the one that wins it,a s they can pray for home field advantage. Right now that looks like Tampa Bay but they do have Jeff Garcia splitting time with Brian Griese at quarterback, in other words. I wouldn’t put money on it.

The Patriots: Every other week. That’s it. It doesn’t matter who they are playing, where they are playing them at or what injuries they may have. If you have any Patriots on your roster, play them every other week. This include Randy Moss and Wes Welker. If you look at their first six weeks, they haven’t strung together back-to-back wins or losses, nor has their offense or defense played exceptionally well in either loss (which have come at the hands of the lowly Dolphins and the under-performing Chargers).

We’ll continue with these realizations as they continue to dawn on us. Right now we have to go ponder last night’s Mad Men episode, because it was that fucking good. Back later (possibly early evening) with top five surprises from week seven.

Usually we prefer the college game to the pros, and for a myriad of reasons. More variance in play calling and strategy, more accessibility on television, better live game experience, etc. But if the NFL keeps up like this for the remaining nine weeks of the season, we might have to switch our loyalties (particularly if OSU loses this Saturday), at least in the short term. There was just so much to enjoy from last week that we were almost happy to be hungover to the point of immobility.

First off, and I think I speak for everyone who isn’t in Dallas or a front running douchebag, that seeing the Cowboys just meltdown against the Rams, made everyone who doesn’t have Terrell Owens on his fantasy team happy. Just a collapse of epic proportions after bringing in Roy Williams. We mentioned before that this might happen, and having the Rams for their first game was a great litmus test for where they stand as a team without Romo, and a close loss might have been a little more reassuring than a 20 point loss. Despite losing their franchise quarterback, and for as heralded as their defense is, they should really have been capable of keeping it within a touchdown to a team that has plenty of deficiencies, even with a new coach.

Losing in such convincing fashion leads me to believe that not only will this team miss the playoffs coming out of the ultra-competitive NFC east, but they could very well end up dwelling in the basement. Pity, we had such high hopes for another epic post-season collapse.

But the real story in that game is what this new coach means for everyone who has Steven Jackson on their roster, as this is two great games under Jim Haslett now. If Jackson can continue to perform like the Jackson from three seasons ago, this could spell trouble for whoever in your league has a great roster but with what was believed to be a bust in the first round, making his roster merely competitive instead of loaded. In our case, this is particularly troubling. We know full well what he is capable of with some seasonal momentum, and the Rams — who all of a sudden look like a worthy member of the National Football League — have it in spades right now.

In honor of their big win, here is a gratiutous Rams cheerleader pic.

Other developments from this past weekend include the Vikings and Bears having the most unexpected 90+ total points contest in the history of football, LenDale White going all Tim Riggins on us and throwing down for at least one game against the lowly Chiefs, the Browns returning to dropped pass form, LaDanian Tomlinson continuing his season of suckage, the entire Colts roster showing its age against a young Packers squad and Brett Favre playing like a 38 year-old should. This was, indeed, memorable. Even if completely non-indicative of how the rest of the season will look. All we know is we are hoping for a Titans-Giants Superbowl if not Eagles and someone they could actually beat on a national stage.

Truth be told we could write upwards of around 5,000 words on each of the aforementioned topics, but we work for a living, so we’ll try to summarize it all in a top five list or something.

Back with more later.

We are in kind of a hurry this morning, which seems to be a recurring theme with our morning these days. I can guarantee you that we didn’t agree to write this blog if we were under the impression that we would constantly be on the run. Its not like I’m caught up in the rat race, I work as a low-level accountant basically, and still find myself without any free time at work. I feel like Tony Montana right now, in that I don’t live in America to work like a slave. Right after this post, I am starting my drug cartel and anyone who threatens or impedes my progress will soon regret it.

Here are the top five players you were cursing for drafting in the first three rounds in week six…

1) Steven Jackson
Look man, I don’t care how low are expectations were for you, or how vaunted the defense is that you are playing, when you are a top ten pick and your team pulls off the biggest upset of the season, not to mention its first win in what might have otherwise been a winless year, you have to produce more than 11.03 fantasy points if you are a top ten pick. I’m sorry, Steven. I know we’ve been hard on you, but these are just the facts.

2) Eli Manning
With every pundit absurdly pushing the notion that you have surpassed your brother, this subpar performance against what has arguably been the worst defense in the league in recent history was bound to happen. So I guess it isn’t terribly surprising. Especially after your brother tore apart the every other year paper tiger that is the Ravens. But damn, three interceptions to one touchdown convinces us you are still at least occasionally incapable of seeing safeties downfield.

This is what happens when you start costing us future bets, Eli. We post picture of you so drunk you barely resemble a human being anymore.

3) Willis McGahee
We are willing to except the fact that you just simply are not that good, but everyone and their mother had at least you putting up a game against the Colts fairly soft run defense. Where the fuck were you at? Do you think you have security in this league as a running back? Roy Rice is more than happy to take your position, and the Ravens are more than happy to can your ass. You better get your shit together Willis, or that hit in the 2003 Fiesta Bowl will feel like a love tap compared to what the Ravens are capable of. Hey, don’t blame me. blame your joke of a union.

4) Terrell Owens
Alright, this is getting absurd. We can acknowledge that you were used as something of a decoy with all the double coverage the Cardinals underrated defense was probably throwing at you. But to be considered the best receiver in the NFL like you regularly claim that you are, you better produce more than seven fucking fantasy points. Shit, I could draft Brandom Stokely if I wanted that. You were probably the second or third receiver taken in every fantasy draft, and putting up seven fantasy points isn’t helping your cause to drop the label as least sympathetic pro athlete in the history of pro athletes.

5) Dallas Clark
Maybe it was an issue of schematics. Maybe its that NFL rosters hate their tight ends now. Maybe it is the fact that you are coming off an injury that had you sidelined for four weeks. Maybe it is some culmination of the three. Whatever it is, you can’t put up two catches for 17 yards when your team racks up 31 points against a top ten defense and not expect to make this list. You are lucky the league has so much talent, because this is like the NFL equivalent of Dwight Howard only pulling down four rebounds against the Suns. Step up your game, Dallas, or we’ll start referring to you as Houston.

More on the unholy mess that is the Cowboys later.

The pickin’s were slim this week, at least relative to past weeks in which the pickin’s for star players actually producing were slim. No, in week 6, we saw a bevy of players who were supposed to have good seasons at least had one good week, even if many of their teams failed to come through. In lieu of an abundance of candidates, we found these diamonds in the ruff.

1)Patrick Cobbs
We already drew attention to his game yesterday, but it warrants mentioning twice. Although it was kind of a fluke and we certainly do not expect to hear from Mr. Cobbs anytime soon after this, he caught 3 passes for 128 yards and two of them were touchdowns. This is with two healthy and serviceable running backs higher than him on the depth chart. For doing the most with the least, Cobby here gets the top spot.

2) Thomas Jones
He played the Bengals, and we were hesitant to put him on hear because is it ever really all that shocking when any running back, regardless of what level he is operating at, breaks off a huge fantasy game against the Bengals? But when the going is rough, the tough get to taking liberties with half-assed top five lists. And since Thomas Jones has reached the end zone a grand total of three times since he arrived in New York (that’s a total of 20 games, to be sure), it is a spot well earned on this list when he gets in twice in one game.

3) Correll Buckhalter
It’s not that he performed well, even though we’ve expressed our dismay when he did. But since he produced in Westbrook’s absence that isn’t the reason behind his inclusion here. No, the reason Buckhalter is making this list for the second time around is due to the enormity of his production. Over 175 yards of total office plus a rushing touchdown to boot earned him the eighth spot in overall scoring and the third spot here. Remember, this is Correll Fucking Buckhalter. Even with this performance, if Westbrook ends up sidelined for an extended period of time, I’m still going to be pushing for Lorenzo Booker to be getting more carries.

4) Steve Breaston
He was bound to get some touches with the way they move the ball on the Cardinals. But 8 snags for 102 yards and a touchdown probably exceeded everyone’s expectations against Dallas, who is currently sporting the slowest, most overrated secondary, possibly ever. But as long as Boldin is recovering from a fractured sinus cavity, which we had no idea was a part of the human anatomy that was vulnerable to being fractured, Breaston should be a solid acquisition in any league after the Cards bye week. We credit most of Braylon Edwards’ coming out party last night to Breaston, who set the bar high for former UM receivers.

5) Vincent Jackson
We also mentioned Jackson yesterday and the expectations for the much ballyhooed receiver when coming into the league were probably unrealistic, but the guy obviously has talent and it was on full display Sunday night against the AFC’s version of the Cowboys secondary: the Patriots. Five receptions for 134 yards and a touchdown will earn you a lot of meals, none of which will compare to making the five spot on Talking Fantasy Football’s weekly surprise performers.

Five letdowns tomorrow.

So someone sent me an email cursing me for my incorrect fantasy predictions from week to week and the fact that I seldom address when I am wrong but am quick to highlight when I am right. Well, this post is dedicated to our number one fan. We’ll try to make it a running feature just for his delicate sensibilities, because obviously our speculation is so utterly damaging to the fantasy lexicon.

This? Is not us.

I thought in most of my posts it was clear that I was either being facetious or self-deprecating for the sake of humor. Because why in the hell would anyone take something as random and incontrollable as fantasy football seriously? Like when I suggested Braylon Edwards would continue his dismal season against the Giants yesterday. He was obviously capable of it, but teams always perform better coming off the bye-week and it certainly wasn’t a surprise that he ended up torching the Superbowl champions. Just look at the Rams (beat the red hot 4-1 Redskins, despite how much of a paper tiger they may be) and the Jets, both walk away with convincing wins after having a week off. It is no surprise that Cleveland pulled off the upset. Naturally, this isn’t true for every team, and that’s when you see the Raiders lose 34-3.

Maybe I should have addressed this specifically and in greater detail yesterday, but I feel like I’ve written enough about the random state of the NFL. Parity rules the day and even the teams considered god awful will pull an unexpected win out of their ass here and there. Look at the Panthers-Buccaneers game. Two seemingly evenly matched division rivals playing an important game that is pivotal to the playoff race. But, one team has superior coaching, doesn’t turn the ball over and then it is settled: Carolina wins by 24 points. The Matrix is easier to figure out than the league.

What was surprising, however, was the magnitude of the upset. We suspect it was some hybrid of coming off the bye week, being at home, the Giants being over confident after sky rocketing to the top of everyone’s power rankings and the fact they actually played in the regular season. We hinted that the latter might factor in, but never to the degree that it did. And for that, I am an asshole.

Well, based on our other prognostications, here are all the other reasons to disown us.

In short, this entire list. We aren’t going to go back through one-by-one and list everything that went wrong, but lets just say that our advice on who to potentially start in a deep league is often based on match-ups. And when the Redskins lose to the worst team in the league, the Vikings barely fend-off Detroit, the Ravens only muster three points against what has been one of the worst defenses in the league, Fred Taylor suffers a concussion and the Packers have made the decision to never run the ball into the end zone ever again; our recommendations are going to take a hit.

In recent weeks we have gone either two or three of five with our suggestions, and this was an exceptionally bad week because the games dictated we go out on a limb. For that, we apologize. For actually taking our advice, you’re probably kind of an idiot, and that’s your problem.

So I hope you’re happy now, semi-anonymous email sender. Here I am, thinking I’m writing inconsequential drivel about fantasy football and the NFL, low and behold someone is actually taking this seriously. Let us know what else is keeping you up at night and we’ll try to address that as well.

A few random observations from yesterday.

So I guess I’m the asshole for running four wide receivers instead of three running backs when I had Corell Buckhalter on my squad and benched him in favor of (gulp) Bobby Engram. I didn’t get word that Matt Hasselbeck wasn’t playing until just about their kickoff, and wasn’t anywhere near a computer when I did. All I have to say is, and I can’t stress this enough: Fuck the fucking Seahawks. It might not be the most eloquent thing I’ve ever tried to convey, but I think it gets the point across. Fuck ‘em in their wannabe Arena league jerseys with a jackhammer.

Not only did I play him over Buckhalter, but I played him over a more viable option at receiver in Vincent Jackson, who finally managed to live up to his hype dating back to the beginning of the 2007 season. In retrospect these particular occurrences don’t qualify as simply bad luck, but rather bold and unapologetic idiocy. The Eagles were playing the still lowly 49ers, and even if Hasselbeck was healthy they still had to contend with the vaunted Packers defense.

Now I will play him next week and he will lay a rotten egg for me. It is irrefutable that whatever move I make it will undoubtedly be incorrect. Still, I pulled out the victory and have Braylon Edwards going tonight, who is good for at least three catches for 20 yards. Wait, their playing the Giants? Make that three catches for 7 yards.

Also, I don’t know what your waiver wire or free agency situation is, but if my league is any indication then the herd is starting to thin. As of today we only had three guys in our free agency break 20 points with Patrick Cobbs (whatever, a third string running back that had a career day). Matt Schaub (he had to in order to keep his job) and Chad Pennington (efficient but hardly reliable for fantasy purposes). Hopefully you have all your chips in order and you avoid injury from here on out, because it is about to get really scarce on the open market.

If you were wondering who the hell Patrick Cobbs is, we thought this might enlighten you as to why you don't in the first place.

One thing you might notice about these three (other than that two of them are quarterbacks thus rendered useless for most of us), is that they all played in the same game. So if you are ever in a bind as to which player on your roster you should start, and one of your players has the Dolphins or Texans on the schedule, then I think your decision has already been made for you.

One other quick piece of advice: We don’t know the nature of Joseph Addai’s injury, nor do we think Dominick Rhodes is even near the same stratosphere as him. But if you haven’t cut the worst player on your roster for Rhodes just as a precautionary measure, then we suggest you do so and do so now. If Corell Buckhalter can rip of damn near 30 points for the Eagles, we imagine Rhodes is capable of doing something similar for the Colts.

And finally, if you have an open roster spot for whatever reason and still need a player out of tonight’s game, pick up Derrick Ward or Ahmad Bradshaw tonight. When Cleveland’s defense lays down halfway through the second quarter you won’t regret it. Also, I know it was a preseason game, but the drubbing was so exceptional that it should be indicative of what we see tonight. Unless Tom Coughlin does nothing to change up their game plan and Crenell is able to counter it, which is all a distinct possibility. We will say this, if you happened to get the Giants at 20/1 to repeat as Superbowl champs this past March, then you are probably feeling rather lucid at the moment. With or without Braylon Edwards on your fantasy team.

Back with something later.

Still working on this audit, which will make us capable of murder if it carries on much longer. Here are you’re top five surprise performers from this past week. From here on out, we’ll just call these the Lance Moore’s.

1) Sinorice Moss/Domenik Nixon
I suppose someone had to step up in lieu of Plaxico Burress, and why wouldn’t it be the fourth and eleventh options after him? I mean, expect the unexpected, right? Moss’ numbers would be relatively unimpressive if two of his four catches weren’t in the end zone. These performances were so surprising, we suspect they didn’t score any points for anyone in any league that isn’t based out of the New York/New Jersey area. Unless you had Amani Toomer, it all kind of evens out.

2) D’Angelo Williams
The leading scorer for the past week as he accumulated 148 yards of total offense and three total touchdowns (2 rushing, 1 receiving). This will make his cumulative points on the season look impressive, and if he is a free agent in your league there will probably be a league wide clamoring to acquire him. Don’t worry if you were late to the draw then, because they were playing Kansas City, he is 5-9 and he has a much more consistent running back that is still amazingly right behind him in the pecking order.

He's almost as tall as the guy in the blue in the background, that might buy him a couple extra carries.

3) Kyle Orton
Can we put Kyle Orton on here when he has scored over twenty points the past three weeks, and he did so again on Sunday, and it was against the Lions. Yes, I believe we can. Because he is still Kyle Orton, and he was still backing up Rex Grossman earlier this season. Anything he does sans ties his shoes on his own is considered a surprise.

4) Isaac Bruce
Anytime a receiver catches two touchdowns with JT O’Sullivan throwing to him he is going to make this top five. It’s just a rule we have. Not to mention if said receiver is turning 37 in November, and was in his prime during the Clinton administration. Also, on a related note: Fuck you, Bryant Johnson. A guy nine years your senior should never outpace you in productivity unless you are under the age of 21. And even then it shouldn’t be a decisive victory.

5) Nate Washington
This was so surprising we accidentally called him Kelly Washington on Monday. He is the type of player you are always tempted to pick up during a bye week because Pittsburgh spreads the ball around so much and he is as likely of a target as anyone, then the one week you actually do get him off free agency he has about two catches for seven yards, and you vow to never have him occupying space on your roster again. Well, to the 99% who do not own him in Yahoo fantasy leagues, you made a huge mistake not having him against the Jaguars on Sunday night.

That’s it until tomorrow. Trust us, when we are posting more than once a day, no one will be happier than us.

We already mentioned on our other site that we are in the middle of a tax audit at work. I, being an accountant of sorts, am responsible for at least a portion of the detail required to complete this excruciatingly tedious task. So as a result, we didn’t post this morning and we couldn’t be any more indifferent. It was kind of refreshing actually. Usually our brain spends the first hour of every morning jumping back and forth from numbers to words. Tonight we can focus on the latter and really churn out something vicious.

Nah, just kidding. Here’s your top five letdowns for week five in the NFL.

1) Adrian Peterson
Holy Christ was that a laid egg from Peterson last night. New Orleans probably has a slightly better than average defense, and the fact they held Peterson to 32 yards on 21 carries is probably one of the better surprise defensive performances of the year. Minnesota’s next game is against Detroit, and let me just add that if any of you are in salary cap leagues, we recommend making the cap space to acquire Mr. Peterson, because he just might cause of hurricane.

2) LaDanian Tomlinson
That’s right, what was probably the first and second overall picks in your draft are also your two biggest letdowns from the past week of football. We were torn between which one of them earned the top spot, and went with Peterson simply because he had fewer points, even if he did play the better defense. Sad thing is about Tomlinson, is we can’t recommend Tomlinson for a redeeming follow up week.

That 60 Minutes Piece Is Starting To Look Like Hyperbole.

3) Brandon Marshall
It was difficult for us to put him on here, since we think a poor performance from Marshall is more connotative with “what we expected” rather than “What happened that we couldn’t believe”. But we have to give credit where it is due, and although Tampa has a bruising defense (like every year for the past ten or so), three catches for 25 yards is hardly what anyone had projected.

4) Larry Johnson
This is almost an honorary mention because Larry Johnson’s career is on fumes from here ’til the end of the line, but anyone who manages to put up .2 points is going to recognized for such a daunting feat. I can honestly say that I have never seen this before. I’ve seen negative points from quarterbacks and defenses (occasionally from receivers fumbling), and I’ve obviously seen zero points from someone who isn’t playing. But notching a .2 point total as a running back has to be a milestone for fantasy football.

5) LenDale White
Our favorite running back for a penchant for fast food came close to usurping Larry Johnson’s shitastic performance, but manage to produce twice as many yards (4) and a reception for no gain; good for 1.4 points with your standard fantasy football scoring. If you have LenDale White on your team, heed this advice and heed it good: Trade him. Trade him fucking now. Make it look like you are selling high and tout those five touchdowns he has on the season, try to get Ryan Grant who has yet to break the 25 point mark on the season. Sell him low and pick up a backup (Darren Sproles) to a perennial starter (LaDanian Tomlinson). But whatever you do just get him off your roster.

Other noteworthy contenders: Santana Moss, Chris Johnson, Eddie Royal (we might have seen these three coming), Steve Smith, Philip Rivers & Marshawn Lynch.

We’re getting this post out later than we would like, but here are your five surprisingly worst performers from week four of the NFL fantasy season. We would like to tell say that these are aberrations specific to just this week and to not expect the same names to appear on this post for the next thirteen weeks, but the lie would be so vast that we might as well be dating you.

1) Everyone Involved with the Browns-Bengals Game
We could make a list ten deep just on this game alone, but this is a lot less time consuming. Yeah Braylon Edwards, you caught a touchdown? Congrats, man. But you still only totaled anywhere from 10-15 points in most fantasy leagues so fuck off with your minor increase in production. You know its a bad sign when a breakout game for you consists of 3 catches for 22 yards. Kellen Winslow, Chad Johnson, Houshmenzadeh, Derek Anderson? You are all just as much of a disappointment.

2) Reggie Bush
You seemed prime for a breakout season, but I suppose that is only if you have a loaded roster surrounding you, much like at USC. One positive thing that can be said about Mr. Bush, is that he makes a great decoy. Just look at the numbers put up by all those no name receivers. This every other game bullshit is growing tiresome. Speaking of which…

He's not exactly an academic, but some people are just better suited for college.

3) Maurice Jones-Drew
Are you ever going to be even remotely consistent? Why are you a high draft pick in any league? I am just speechless about the fluctuation that will apparently be your week-to-week career. I’d be better off with that midget from Oregon State on my fantasy roster than I would with Mr. Drew. At least I would know that he would let me down every week.

4) Jonathan Stewart
It isn’t entirely your fault because your asshole coaches insist on playing that oompa-lumpa they drafted a couple years back in the first fucking round, but could you actually step up your production on the touches you do get? 3.7ypc isn’t exactly taking the world by storm. Good lord, Chris Johnson is making every other rookie running back look like a mistake.

5) Andre Johnson
In short, your white counterpart damn near quintupled your point production. It must be rewarding to know that you almost single-handley cost your team their first win of the season against a division rival. Either you really hate Matt Schaub, want traded, or your just as overrated as the 2003 Fiesta Bowl led me to believe.

Back with something later today.

It was pleasant to be able to actually watch the NFL yesterday instead of hauling ass somewhere in the mountain or pacific time zones. A fantasy drubbing is so much more rewarding when you witness it first hand instead of getting constant updates via text message.

With that said, it wasn’t all gloom and doom for everyone. Here are your surprisingly good performances from week 4. We’ve explained the tenants of this list before, we’re not going to do it again.

1) Lance Moore
We mentioned his performance earlier, but seriously: Lance fucking Moore caught two touchdowns and went for over 100 yards receiving? If this is going to be a regular thing in the NFL, I might as well draft my fantasy team while going from the bottom up with my pre-draft rankings. Odds are, however, he probably wasn’t on any rosters. Methinks he will be now.

2) Laverneus Coles
Finally over his front office sullen love affair, Laverneus finally managed to come out of his grief stricken funk to light the fuck out of the scoreboard. Three touchdowns in addition to 105 yards receiving…a performance was a long time coming, but not to such an unfathomable extent. Chad Pennington is out treating Ted Ginn to dinner as we speak. Eat ‘dem grits, Laverneus.

3) Kevin Walter
It has been a resurgent year for white receivers and Kevin Walter is no exception. His productivity was supposed to subside but two touchdowns and over 75 yards receiving would suggest otherwise. It’s a good thing to, reports were that if Schaub underperformed again, Houston Texans fans were one week away from the Sage Rosenfels era.

He Will Lead The Texans to The Promise Land.

4) Jason Campbell
Not as much productivity from him as other surprise performers this week, but come the fuck on, we’re talking about Jason Campbell. He was grinding out close victories at Auburn, now he is torching the best team in the NFL for two touchdowns and a 66% completion rating? It’s like him and Jay Cutler switched vessels for the weekend.

5) Larry Johnson
We spend so much time hammering away on Larry Johnson and Stephen Jackson on this site, that we figured it appropriate to recognize it when they do something good. Of course, it might be counter-intuitive to consider it surprising when a top ten draft pick actually has a good game, but shit, it’s surprising whenever anyone goes for 200 yards rushing, much less gets two touchdowns in the process.

Honorable mention: Brett Favre, Matt Schaub, Edgerrin James, Muhsin Muhammad, Steve Slaton, Lee Evans.

Back with the surprisingly bad tomorrow.

We’re trying to fall back into a groove here, so please bear with us if it’s a slow process. Just like we are behind on this site, we are even more so at our day job. Please be patient.

Anyhow, here are your five surprisingly good performances. Not necessarily the five best (thought those can be included), but the five that exceeded expectations by the widest margins. Doing a top five performers seems kind of self-explanatory and a bit redundant. It’s complicated, I know.

1) Ronnie Brown
Obvious fucking choice. He could have ran for negative yards and maced a kid in the crowd, but if you run for five touchdowns, particularly in a week where even those with the most limited options, no one is going to start you against the Patriots. Thanks Ronnie, since I don’t have you, I couldn’t care less. But keep proving me right that you were always the better running back between you and Cadillac at Auburn.

Someone else had a good game, but not as good as Ronnie Brown's. Hmm, I wonder why.

2) Brandon Lloyd
Hanging six catches for 120 yards and a touchdown isn’t something we’ve seen from a Chicago receiver in a long time. Possibly ever. But he did just that against Tampa, a team that is rumored to have a solid defense. Brandon Lloyd: what a career he has had out of Illinois. First he under achieves in San Fransisco, then he under achieves with Washington, and then he puts up some good numbers with the Bears. Anyhow, it looks like the move to Kyle Orton is paying off.

3) Correll Buckhalter
Of course it took a near catastrophic Westbrook injury (If I wasn’t an Eagles fan, I’d be rooting for him to finally miss a season that everyone keeps telling me he is bound to miss since I actually don’t have him on my team this year) for him to put up numbers. But God bless him, we didn’t think Correll Buckhalter was capable of any production, regardless of where he is in the pecking order. For the past five years I’ve been under the impression that Buckhalter was the only running back in the league that couldn’t get 1,000 yards with the Broncos, now I may have to reevaluate things.

4) Rudi Johnson
Fuck. This. Bullshit. You’re defying conventional wisdom for aging receivers, Rudi. And I do not like it one bit. What? Did the Niners and Lions get together for an old-timers game so at least San Fransisco fans can feel like their team is remotely competitive again? Go back to Cinncy so we can watch you toil away in a suddenly predictable and stale offensive scheme.

5) Steve Slaton
We put this on here, not because we’re surprised he is putting up some stellar numbers in his rookie season (if you saw him run at West Virginia then you shouldn’t be remotely surprised by this, I felt the same way about Marion Barber when Julius Jones was injured about four seasons ago), but to remind everyone that he exists. If whoever is/was in front of him continues giving up carries, go out of your way to pick him up.

Other contenders for this that we didn’t add because of our earlier post about quarterbacks: Kyle Orton, Brian Griese, Philip Rivers.

Other contenders we didn’t add because their performances are becoming less and less surprising: Michael Turner, Matt Forte, Brandon Marshall.

Back tomorrow with a list of some sort.

So, as shitty as our fantasy teams appear to be for the remainder of the season, it appears we were right about Marc Bulger (In fact we were right on with just about everyone on that list). And I don’t know if you noticed or not, but there is an epidemic of quarterbacks being used as the scapegoat for everything wrong with a team, and the epidemic was probably a long time in the making. The coach is usually the first to unreasonably get the ax so it was only a matter of time before the most important position on the field saw some of that unfair scrutiny effect his status on the team.

Right now if we look at top ten draft picks from the first ten years, very few of the quarterbacks taken have panned out to be even starters, much less in pro bowl contention. Currently, and this is just off the top of my head: Matt Leinart, Vince Young, Byron Leftwich, Alex Smith and even JaMarcus Russell (whom we’re already convinced is a bust) were all supposed to be leading their teams to the playoffs, and every single one of them is either playing on a bottom feeder or is currently a backup.

I think there are parallels here between how quarterbacks have panned out over the years and the futility of taking a quarterback too soon in your draft. I, of course, advised taking Tom Brady with the first overall (still stand by it because his numbers were so exceptional the year before). I guess the question is, how are we supposed to have any faith in a quarterback for fantasy purposes if every NFL team is so uncertain in who is going to help them produce wins? They tend to have a lot more on the line than you and I.

It's good to know that my team can go winless every year from here on out and I won't have an entire American city cursing my very existence.

I imagine in most fantasy drafts, Brady and Manning went one and two, and Drew Brees along with Tony Romo went three and four. Obviously the latter two are having better seasons than the former, so why is the common consensus in fantasy football so regularly incorrect? My argument would be that it is all subjective and no one (including us) really has an inkling as to what he is talking about, but really it might play to your advantage in situations like this to go against the tide.

There is no rhyme or reason why Romo seems to have improved on this season or Jay Cutler or even David Gerrard and Derek Anderson have gotten so much worse. But there were mounting reports about the reliability of Brady and Manning’s health, now Brady is done for the season and Manning limps around in the backfield like the gimp from Pulp Fiction. But unlike running backs (whose season output generally seems foretold) and to a lesser extent receivers, quarterbacks often go well above and below their seasonal expectations. This is all dependent on your league structure and whatnot, but if you are confident enough in your starters at other positions and have six bench spots, you can use at least two of them on additional quarterbacks.

Right now in our league, a guy drafted Eli Manning in the seventh, Kurt Warner in the tenth and Aaron Rodgers in the fourteenth. It may have seemed ridiculous at the time, but his team hasn’t been effected negatively by it in any way and now he has trade bait for two teams desperate for an upgrade, despite how tenuous the performances of his quarterbacks are. This is in direct contrast with me: I went for Peyton Manning in round 1 and despite having the last pick in the first round, I clearly should have gone with another wide out or even a running back (despite my past declarations to the contrary). Because while having the type of season Manning is having has been adequate to date, he is now an injury risk and his numbers pale in comparison to those of Tony Romo, Drew Brees and even Aaron Rodgers.

If I had taken, say Terrell Owens with that pick, gone with Eli Manning or Donovan McNabb in later rounds (something I was toying with), my team would look a lot more impressive, especially now that Marques Colston is out for the near future and probably won’t return to his pro bowl form (though Jeremy Shockey being out helps emphasize the need for his speedy recovery).

Obviously this isn’t gospel, if you think drafting a quarterback in lieu of a reliable running back is your best option, then by all means. But if one of those annual top four or five is unavailable to you, and you were bitten by the Tom Brady bug this year thus souring you to the concept of drafting a quarterback as well, don’t take someone like Larry Johnson or Stephen Jackson who we all know will put up paltry numbers just because every draft board says you should. Go with the receiver, because a top ten receiver is always reliable, so long as it isn’t Braylon Edwards, who was my second round pick.

Fuck you Browns, fuck you proper with a chainsaw.