Fantasy Football

In wake of the Giants releasing Plaxico Burress, I think a replacements post is in order. This has been an incredibly difficult season to keep your ducks in order, what with excessive injuries, multiple suspensions, steroids, teams distancing themselves more and more from a star format and run by committee now rampant throughout the league. With all that’s taken place this season, it stands to reason that you’ve had about 40% turnover on your roster. Coming down the stretch run, where picking up a backup running back filling in for an injured starter can win you a week in the playoffs. At this point in the season it becomes crucial to take advantage of these unexpected opportunities. And just think, if Plax had worn some nice Chinos out to that club, we probably wouldn’t even be having this conversation.

So long, sweet prince. Can't wait to see you on the Redskins next year.

Receivers
Domenik Hixon/Amani Toomer: I’m not sure why it is, but when Plax has been out of the lineup, they tend to throw the ball a lot more. Maybe his field presence opens up the run, maybe they throw it more out of spite because Coughlin has clearly never liked the guy. Whatever it is, now that he is out of commission for the remaining four weeks, expect Toomer and Hixon to see an increased number of receptions. Both are talented enough to carry the load, and the offense actually seems more potent with Burress out since defenses have no idea who to prioritize.

Davone Bess/Ted Ginn: This is dicey, because it hinges on the fact that Greg Camarillo is out for the season. Who the fuck is that? Exactly. These three make up the Dolphins receiving core, and while their offense focuses on the run cutting down the number of passing targets can only mean good things for a corp. that was pretty evenly split to begin with. Ginn was probably already on a roster about a month ago, but Bess should really still be a free agent, at least before Sunday. If he wasn’t then your league is too deep and all of you need to get outside more.

Mark Clayton: No injuries, no suspensions, just an improving offense that he looks to be the main beneficiary of. I wouldn’t get to excited and thrust him in the starting lineup against the Titans or anything. But if they have remaining games at home against one of the many terrible defenses in their conference, Clayton could rip off quite a performance under the radar (which is how the Ravens do everything).

Tight Ends
Kevin Boss: He’s still a free agent in our league, so I imagine he is in several others as well. Tight ends are difficult to advocate for, most of them are incredibly inconsistent and just about everyone sticks with the one they drafted unless he sustains injury (Todd Heap every year but this one) or is an unmitigated disaster (Alge Crumpler). But for the same reasons why I recommend acquiring Toomer and Hixon, I’m also advocating for Boss. Probably the most underrated tight end on the best team in the league. If he’s available, I’d pick him up and start him when you play credible defenses.

Dustin Keller: He’s probably since been taken off of free agency, but on the slim chance he’s actually available, take him and start him over anyone except Tony Gonzalez, Antonio Gates, Cris Cooley, Jason Witten, Dallas Clark and maybe Owen Daniels (his QB’s turn the ball over too much). That’s it. If you do not have one of these five, Keller is your best option.

Running Backs
Le’Ron McClain: Do not let the goofy fucking name fool you, this guy is a load and uses it to his advantage. In an increasingly potent offense and with Ray Rice and Willis McGahee battling nagging injuries, McClain should get the majority of the carries. Baltimore is probably the only team in the NFL more deceptive with their injury report than New England, so be leery of a questionable from either Rice or McGahee.

Backups: Assuming Peyton Hillis has already been picked up in your league. We haven’t exactly had a rash of running back injuries as of late. Some to keep an eye on however, would be Dominick Rhodes, Corell Buckhalter, Chester Taylor, Melwede Moore, Darren Sproles & Pierre Thomas. Again, I don’t know you and can’t attest to whether or not any of these players, if any, are available in your league (only three of them are in mine). This tends to be the position we see the most turnover at this time of the season (especially from non-playoff contenders). Be ready every Sunday to pull the trigger on any and all of them.

Defenses
We don’t have any single recommendation here, but if you have Minnesota’s defense (ahem), then you’re currently fucked. Our recommendation is to pick up as many defenses as possible for teams that are either playing the Rams, Lions, Raiders or Bengals. That’s you’re only hope.

Back tomorrow with lines and fantasy recommendations for week 14.

We haven’t done this in a couple weeks despite suggesting we’d make it a weekly feature. And it’s a bit premature, but here are some ideal replacements for injured starters in the oncoming week of fantasy football. Actually, it isn’t premature at all as there is a game tomorrow night. That game might not exist to us because it’s on NFL Network, but it exists to everyone else apparently, so we might as well knock this out of the way.

1) Antonio Pittman
It stands to reason that you have no idea who this is unless you live in Ohio or St. Louis, but he is Stephen Jackson’s backup running back and looks to see the majority of carries out of the backfield. He didn’t exactly set the world on fire against the Jets, but they have the Niners this weekend. And the Niners don’t have anywhere near the run stopper of Kris Jenkins. After watching him run for three years at Ohio State, trust me, this kid can run given modestly favorable circumstances.

2) BenJarvus Green-Ellis
I kind of can’t stand this guy because he represents the overt and unapologetic random nature of modern day NFL running backs. At this point, running backs are to the NFL what peripheral actors are to television sitcoms: utterly replaceable. We wish him all the best but what he means for the league is pretty infuriating from a fantasy perspective. But he will get the majority of touches because Bill Belichick merely tolerates Kevin Faulk, he doesn’t actually like him. If Ellis hasn’t already been acquired in your league (and we would like to join your league if that is the case) you would be wise to do so post-haste.

Switching Becky's on Roseanne had no impact on the ratings, just like switching running backs rarely effects a game's outcome.

3) Cedric Benson
You won’t believe me when I say he actually looks serviceable for the Bengals, so let me just offer some numbers and wild speculation as to what those numbers mean: In his most recent game against the Jags he rushed for 104 yards and a touchdown on 24 carries. The most vital part of that stat line for fantasy? The 24 carries, as it looks like they are veering more towards him than the fumble prone Chris Perry, not to mention that the game against the Jags was the first they won all season. They are playing the Eagles who have upped their run defense from years past (though Jacobs still diced them up on Sunday night), but the Bengals are coming off a bye week. We aren’t guaranteeing a 100 yard, two TD game, but we are pretty certain he will get 70% of the carries against an over-confident Eagles team.

4) Dominick Rhodes
The Colts have one of the worst running offenses in the league and Addai, though he will play, still looked pretty hampered in the Steelers. We believe that Rhodes is still the inferior back, but if they are splitting carries about evenly (as they appeared to be doing against Pittsburgh), they are going to try and rest their top-tier player and throw Rhodes out their more frequently against the lowly Texans, whose defense is reminiscent of the Dick Vermeil Chiefs who started onside kicking midway through the third quarter in the playoffs a few years ago.

5) Ledell Betts
Clinton Portis is questionable (he probably wouldn’t play if they were going tomorrow night), so picking up Betts and waiting out the final verdict probably isn’t the worst strategy. If Portis does play, fine, just put him on the bench and play whoever you were going to in lieu of the backup. If he doesn’t, then you have a running back who’ll get over 60% of the carries against a banged up (albeit determined) Dallas defense. There is no downside to the proposition unless you have some sort of sentimental attachment to your bench players you’re never going to start in the first place.

Back later with something.

There are always plenty of injuries to go around in the NFL, namely at the running back position. So while we did this last week and only intended to make it a sporadic feature, we realized that we could probably make it a weekly one with the plethora of hard hits that we saw in the Steelers-Giants game. The NFL is slowly but surely turning into the only professional sport that makes the fans thankful to be construction workers/accountants/nurses as opposed to on the field.

1) Kevin Faulk
He had a phenomenal game last week against the Rams with Sammy Morris, LaMont Jordan and Laurence Maroney all sidelined, we would expect the same from him this week against the Colts. Don’t be fooled by Indy’s surprisingly decent performance against the run on Monday, because they actually got up to play the undefeated division rival. Something tells me that the fact they still lost that game means they won’t be quite as tenacious. Additionally, even without Tom Brady throwing to him, The Titans are lacking a receiver anywhere near the plateau of Wes Welker, much less Randy Moss. It’s just good to see that after years and years of thankless third downs-manship, Faulk is finally getting a few more touches. And it only took the running back core to start dropping like flies around him.

2) Nate Washington
He’s always been a beast who never got enough touches, but after the past three weeks he’s had, if he is still available in your fantasy league then let me join next season. If there is room I would really like to play with you guys. Assuming Santonio Holmes is still out with his drug suspension, during which he is probably doing drugs, Washington’s numbers will only continue to impress. Even against the Redskins stringent defense.

Assisting struggling fantasy teams since time immemorial.

3) Martellus Bennett
“Who the fuck is this?” One might ask, and we couldn’t blame you. But in the process you will have outed yourself in two regards. 1) You do not watch Hard Knocks (we actually preferred the Chiefs season) and 2) you do not watch or pay attention to any draft picks past the first round. This is all well and good, but if Jason Witten doesn’t play (which most assume he won’t with a fractured rib, despite his protestations), Bennett is the man who will step in for all those touches that Witten gets throughout the course of a game. If you feel it is worth the risk on a new tight end — and judging by their unimpressive cumulative stats this season, I will assume that you do — then Bennett is a viable option.

4) Dominick Rhodes
We still say he is a relatively poor running back, but it is so rare that you find a viable backup who isn’t splitting carries. What he did against Tennessee is more a product of the system he’s in than an indication of his actual talent, but you he is a an asset on your roster and a starter so long as Addai is on the bench.

5) Reggie Williams
With Matt Jones out on a cocaine suspension, Williams becomes the best option at receiver for a team that spreads it around and primarily runs the ball. Gerrard only threw 18 touchdown passes last season, ten of which were to Williams though he didn’t put up many yards or receptions, so it is really hit or miss. But with the Bengals slated for this Sunday, I would bank on the former.

Try to get around to another post today.

We are at the point in the season where nagging injuries and missed games start to tally up. Sure, that is an issue in the first half of the season as well as the middle, but there seems to be a surplus of it going into week eight, and there are several players often left on the open market that you can either add to your lineup or roster to improve your odds. Here are just some of those names.

1) Steve Heiden
Kellen Winslow isn’t sideline with the staff infection that the Browns hid from everyone, but rather with a suspension for telling the media why he didn’t play in week six. But what happened in week six? Heiden broke off five catches for 59 yards (A good game for tight-ends this season) in an absolute route of the defending champion Giants, 35-14. Thirty five points, against one of the better defenses in the league, which means more opportunity for touchdowns. If you are struggling to find a productive tight-end (as just about everyone except for three teams in your league is), Heiden might be your best bet.

But more on the Winslow suspension, which typifies why the owners are hypocritical douchebags who are never asked to answer for their hypocrisy because they’re not in the public eye. At least not as much as the players. Of course Winslow has had some behavioral issues in the past, and they’ve used that as a reason to completely disregard his protestations to their attempt to cover up a rash of staff infections.

Is Winslow an ideal personality? No. But he’s been asked to endure a run of humiliating rumors at the behest of his employer that jeopardized him and his teammates health, and it all seemed to be done thanklessly. Apparently the Browns owners are the closest thing the NFL produces to sweat shop owners. The player’s union really, really needs to strengthen their resolve. In this economy they’ll be asked to double as chauffeurs if they’re not careful.

2) Pierre Thomas
We know absolutely nothing about this guy, and still tend to think McAllister and Stecker will pull in a good amount of carries. But with Reggie Bush sidelined with a hamstring injury and ESPN having Thomas listed as the second string, this is the guy to acquire apparently. He better show up at least, because we all know Marcus Fucking Colston isn’t going to contribute. Anyhow, we suspect this will be heavy on run by committee, but if you have Reggie Bush this is your best opportunity to fill the temporary void he is leaving.

Pierre's going to take the Chargers to school...or something.

3) Jamaal Charles
The rookie running back for the Chiefs and backup to cartoonishly troubled Larry Johnson (it hasn’t been a good year for former and current Penn State football players). It is either Charles or Kolby Smith, and since ESPN ranks Charles higher on the depth chart and it has been a remarkable year so far for rookie running backs, we recommend going with Charles. They are playing the Jets who sport a fairly solid defense, but anyone the Chiefs play has a relatively strong D, so that is just splitting hairs. Go with Charles in the even of a bye week, or if you were lacking the foresight to avoid Larry Johnson.

4) Sammy Morris
If he was available last week he probably isn’t anymore. But if you have him on your roster you would be well advised to start him, as they are playing the Rams and Bill Belichick is about a thousand times better of a coach than Wade Phillips, and the Cowboys roster is essentially a traveling carnival. this goes against our newly developed credo from two days ago, but if the Rams contain the Patriots and actually pull out a third straight win against a playoff caliber team, then the Cardinals probably have someone to worry about for the division title. Which is refreshing. The Cardinals need to have something to worry about.

5) Chansi Stuckey
Much like Pierre Thomas, we know nothing about this guy personally. We do know, however, that he plays for the Jets, and that the Jets are playing the Chiefs at home, and they are going to be out for blood after that humiliating loss to Tom Cable and the clusterfuck Raiders. One thing we admire about Favre is he doesn’t discriminate who he throws to, so expect Stuckey to add to his touchdown total on the season.

More later if we can find the time.

Thankfully and mercifully: It’s Friday. We can finally look forward to two days of potentially sober football viewing. Honestly, we can’t recall ever being so over-extended in recent years. This is either the sign of a privileged lifestyle, or indicative of how much shit we’ve done in the passed four or five days. It’s probably the former, but it is so much more fun to create something to bitch about.

Here are five players with usually pedestrian expectations that you should expect a relatively gargantuan week from:

1) Ryan Grant
In short, he is playing Seattle. If the Giants — even as good as they are — can light them up for 44 points without their best playmaker, then certainly Ryan Grant can rack up around 100 yards and a couple touchdowns, right? I mean, he wasn’t just a fluke for the last eight weeks last season that is going to mail it in with his new contract. Heaven’s no. That type of thing only happens in the NBA. Well, it happens with rookies in the NFL because their contracts are so rewarding. So we never find out if they are busts or just don’t give a shit from the get go.

2) Fred Taylor
A bit of a slow start this season (not as slow as I had anticipated when I drafted Jone-Drew with the last pick in the third round), but despite the loss he looked frisky against Pittsburgh. Who is Fred “I decided to wait until the tail end of my career to get a DUI” Taylor playing this week? Denver. It is at Mile High, but that defense in recent weeks has us ecstatic that we didn’t lay down that future bet we had intentions of doing when in Vegas. Whichever team from the NFC east that makes the Superbowl would eat them alive.

3) Chester Taylor
His carries have been reduced even more so in Peterson’s second season. But with them playing the Lions this week, unless Peterson is set to break his own single game rushing record, expect Taylor to split carries a little more evenly. As they should have this win wrapped up by mid-second quarter.

4) Derrick Mason
Yes, Baltimore’s historically bad offense is once again unbelievably inept. But Indy’s defense always manages to breakdown and give up more points than they ever should. If they can manage to contain Dwight Freeney, who turns 70 next week, Flacco might be able to get the ball out to his best receiver for a couple big plays.

5) Ladell Betts
We generally do not care who they are playing, if St. Louis isn’t in a bye week, we are putting a backup running back or a second team receiver from their opponent on this list. This week’s default entry because they are playing the Rams? Redskins running back Ladell Betts. Betts managed to fill the void while starter Clinton Portis missed the majority of the season with injury. Now with Portis back and as effective as ever, Betts has taken a secondary role. Expect Jim Zorn to give Betts the garbage carries as the crown eagerly chants his last name a la Rudy.

Back later with something equally insightful.

Thursdays always tends to be the slowest news day in the league. Unless some coach is getting fired (Justly or unjustly), there is rarely anything worth mentioning, and we can only lecture on the tenants of fantasy football for so long before it seems uninteresting and trite. If the writer isn’t even remotely interested in what he’s expounding on, then what chance is there for the reader to feel any differently. This might be an ongoing problem the next couple of weeks, mainly because the only time the NFL or college football take a backseat to anything is on weekdays during the baseball playoffs.

As of now, the three biggest news items today — which are actually left over from yesterday that we posted too early to mention — involve three players that were technically not in the league as of Tuesday: Cedric Benson, Vince Young and Travis Henry. So naturally, there isn’t a rush of fantasy football participants dashing for the waiver wire with the onset of these developments. So, what do we have to do other than make another top five list? We’ll make this one…top five replacements for your bye week.

These are players that may still be on your waiver wire and may have already been acquired by the overly-aggressive participant in your league. This guy tends to also be the most melodramatic when he experiences a run of bad luck, and enthusiastic when things are going well. In other words, he cares more than everyone else, and during fantasy football season he is borderline intolerable to be around. Anyway, here’s your five best potential options for this weekend:

1) Warrick Dunn
I haven’t the slightest clue what is wrong with Earnest Graham, Carnell Williams or any other running back the Buccaneers had under the age of 33, but the seasoned vet looked in rare form last week against Green Bay. And yes, between Lorenzo Booker, Leon Washington, Greg Jones and Warrick Dunn, the one who was on their national title team with Charlie Ward in 1993 is your best fantasy option from Florida State.

It warrants mentioning that Charlie Ward retired from the NBA three seasons ago.

2) Derrick Ward
Only God knows how Tom Coughlin is going to play his running backs, but when you are looking to fill a void for one week and one week only, Derrick Ward is a suitable replacement in the hope he will break off a couple big runs and maybe score you 10-15 points. Who knows, maybe Brandon Jacobs will sustain his annual ankle injury in the first quarter and you’ll get 15-20 carries from him.

3) Antonio Bryant
Another Buccaneer but this one is at wide receiver. We’ve been on the Broncos bandwagon since earlier this season, but that defense is susceptible to giving up large point totals. If you absolutely need a receiver and are looking for a good matchup, the dejected Cowboy Antonio Bryant might be one of your better options.

4) Greg Olson
Tight ends are a pain in the ass and I am of the mind that they shouldn’t be fantasy options. Or rather, they can be but they line up at receiver. As of now, their bye-week is just one more caveat to fantasy football that is beyond any realm of control. Because, honestly, picking up a backup tight end successfully deserves about as much credit as the kid who fires up twenty half-court shots before hitting one of them: it was completely out of his hands and he was lucky on one occasion.
With that said, Greg Olson became something of a target for Kyle Orton last week. More importantly, they are playing the Lions. They could bring back Cedric Benson for this game and he’d rack up twenty fantasy points.

5) Miles Austin
This Cowboys receiver is getting the go ahead since Wade Phillips has such an aversion to running the ball, so why not pick up their third or fourth option in the passing game. I mean, he had a touchdown last week, right? They lost last week unexpectedly and are playing Cincinnati, so they are bound to run up the score. Eh, whatever, take this advice at your own peril.

Might be it for today, exceptionally busy at work once again.

We don’t have the time to think of anything exceptionally coherent so we’re just going to bullet point this post with miscellaneous news items that may effect your fantasy week and season. Brace yourselves, for speculation on upcoming random, inexplicable events.

-The Bengals have signed Cedric Benson, because nothing solves a troubled clubhouse with multiple felons and headcases, by bringing in another headcase with felonious charges. This probably won’t have much bearing on your fantasy season, because if you have any current Bengals your season is probably fucked anyways.

I think we found Marvin Lewis' replacement.

-Terrell Owens, despite being thrown to 17 times and getting two misdirection runs, has complained about a lack of attention from his offensive cohorts. They ran close to 60 plays on Sunday meaning he was the focus of a third of them. If anything, the Cowboys lost that game because they put too much emphasis on getting him the ball. Anyhow, if you have Marion Barber or Felix Jones, I’m not sure if there will be any sort of backlash or benefit from this, but if I am a Cowboys fan, I’m pretty sure we’re not making the Superbowl. Again.

-The Steelers are down to one healthy running back in Mewelde Moore, and they had enough sense to steer clear of Cedric Benson, who isn’t even remotely tempting for most teams. Still, at some point constantly downgrading at the running back position has to eventually catch up with a team, right? I mean, when is it an actual liability to lose your starting tailback? I assume it is when you lose your backup tailback as well. Someone should inform the Bengals that if they were still built for a strong running game that Rudi Johnson, Kenny Watson or Chris Perry would do just fine.

-Everyone knows about the firings of Lane Kiffin and Scott Linehan, and really this can only stand to help your fantasy team if you have any Rams or Raiders. But I think it has been proven that if you drafted any Raiders (sans Darren McFadden) before round 12, then you are clinically retarded. I believe the act has been medically defined as such.

Might be it for today unless we get billing done early, which hasn’t happened in the three years I’ve worked here. So don’t hold your breath.

We tuned into this week of NFL being pretty much fully prepared for anything, and given how our luck has been of late, the only thing that was going to surprise us is if our team actually pulled out a victory in fantasy.

And, needless to say, that didn’t happen. Never the less, essentially everything out of the ordinary happened but no one was phased by it. In contrast, if every week in the NBA you had backup players racking up monster games and winning weeks for people, it would damn near cause a full scale riot. But expressing such vitriol over the unexpected in the NFL is redundant, because everything and nothing can potentially happen.

This guy, unlike Lance Moore, could never be the determining factor in a fantasy week.

Take the New Orleans Saints for example. They are without their number one receiver (Marques Colston) and their star tight end (Shockey), and have three pass catching receivers to pick up off free agency in most fantasy leagues: Devery Henderson, Robert Meachem & Lance Moore. Now, Henderson usually sees more action with Shockey and Colston active than the other two options. So it makes perfectly logical sense to acquire him over Meachem and Moore. And what happens? Moore catches two touchdowns, Meachem collects one, and Henderson walks away from the game with one catch for 81 yards and somehow not a score.

I was watching the game with the guy who picked up Henderson and he was sulking about it, but this is his first year of fantasy football and he didn’t understand that this is the innate and explainable randomness of fantasy football. Random because there is so much capable talent in the NFL, that there are usually a myriad of options on any team alone that can effectively replace whoever is on your roster, and explainable because the abject goal of an NFL team is to win at whatever costs. Bitching about this is like complaining about the weatherman being inaccurate: Shit happens.

If you think about how the NFL is designed and what qualifies someone as a “star”, there are probably about fifteen guys are receiver who fit that mold, another fifteen at running back, maybe seven or eight quarterbacks and three or four tight ends. These are the guys you are guaranteed to get fifteen or more points out of every week (and our numbers are being generous). After that it is a total crap shoot. Devery Henderson, I am afraid to say, falls into that crap shoot.

Yet for whatever reason, me, you and a growing number of participants continue to throw permeable amounts of money into what is basically a roulette wheel that spins for four months. And I am quickly finding out this year, that if you put money on red and that ball is only touching black squares, it grows less and less enjoyable each week.

Back with surprise performances later today.

We said we would try to do a modicum of news items that may have an adverse or advantageous effect on your fantasy week. This is that post. We’ll try to do this every Friday because it is oh so important that we keep tabs on every player that everyone else is keeping tabs on. Everyone from here on down was listed as questionable at some point this week.

Baltimore Ravens
Ed Reed - The last productive pillar of what was once a lauded defense. If you actually drafted Balmer’s D, and he doesn’t end up playing against the Bengals on Sunday, you might want to try and switch them out at the last second. Take the Jets defense if available, they are playing Miami.
Willis McGahee - Because nothing can go write with this team. If you are in a twelve team league, Roy Rice should still be available.
Todd Heap - This team is soooo fucked.

Cincinnati Bengals
Kenny Watson - If you’re in an Ohio based league like me, Chris Perry is probably off waivers. If not, you’d be wise to pick him up.
Chad Johnson - Chad’s flamboyance has crossed the line into idiocy with the name change.
TJ Houshmandzadeh - The only Bengal worth drafting relative to where he is ranked. In other words, its a bitch if he doesn’t play.

Given the Bengals penchant for drafting receivers, we are kind of hoping they draft some phenom that wants his number, and the team forces Chad to give it up.

Jacksonville Jaguars
Jerry Porter - Plus one to you if you actually drafted Jerry Porter, and knew he wasn’t still playing for the Raiders. Minus fourteen just for drafting Jerry Porter. This team has a bevy of mediocre receivers to choose from if you want to pick up a replacement.

New England Patriots
Benjamin Watson - As good of a tight end as he is, New England spreads the ball out too much. Look elsewhere for a tight end if need be.

Oakland Raiders
Javon Walker - Meet Jerry Porter’s replacement. If JaMarcus Russell can roll out of the pocket without falling over we’d be surprised so we can’t imagine you were actually planning on starting Walker. If you were, we will assume you are in a twenty team league and are fucked regardless.

Philadelphia Eagles
Reggie Brown - This was basically who the Eagles were relying on to replace Terrell Owens. At least after they released Donte Stallworth. Pick up DeSean Jackson in lieu of Brown, he’ll probably produce more anyways.

Seattle Seahawks
Deon Branch - Everyone has Seattle winning the division again and contending for the Superbowl, but no one seems to think Hasselbeck makes it through the season healthy, so we assume everyone really has faith in Seneca Wallace taking them to the promise land.

Essentially, if you have an abundance of players from the bottom half of the AFC North then you might be shit out of luck, otherwise you might actually have to keep your bench players on the bench. The horror!

That’s it for the week, enjoy week one and we’ll be back with some half-assed analysis on Monday morning.

News and notes from around the league:

-Kyle Boller’s shoulder might not be ready for the first week of the season, to which everyone in Baltimore let out a sigh of relief. Seriously, this might be the best news for the city since The Wire went off the air. Why is he even contention for the starting position? Does any fan of this team want Boller starting over either Troy Smith or even Joe Flacco? It’s time to move on from six seasons of relative futility at the quarterback position. At least be futile with a different player. Anyhow, feel better about your Derrick Mason, Todd Heap & Willis McGahee picks.

Boller has Heath Shuler like potential...in that he might one day run for office. He could never match his performance on the football field.

-Michael Strahan has made it official: he is staying retired. I guess potentially funneling more money his ex-wife’s way isn’t all that appealing. Whatever it was, thank you for not Favre-ing us, Mr. Strahan.

Speaking of insufferable quarterbacks, Matt Leinart is not throwing in the towel on the battle for the QB1 spot with the Cardinals (the most prestigious position in all of sports). Even though everyone says he isn’t ready (which doesn’t really make any sense, considering this is third season with two pro-bowl receivers) he is throwing a temper-tantrum of sorts about Chris Mortenson’s report. I guess the question is, why is 37 year-old Kurt Warner even a viable competitor for the position? With the hype that Warner had coming out of USC, he should be competing for MVP, much less his job. Also, if you draft one of them, you have to draft both. Of the three main quarterbacks to come out in 2005 (Young, Leinart & Cutler), Cutler will prove to be the better of the three.

-If you are wondering why Earnest Graham is still a top twenty pick, it’s because Carnell Williams is now on the PUP list. What an injury plagued/bad luck career he has had to date, he’s like one step ahead of Ki-Jana Carter in terms of forces outside his control dictating his legacy. You’re aware of this if you’ve drafted him early in the past two seasons.

This was kind of weak, back with something else later.