Fantasy Football

My apologies for taking the day off yesterday, but we have a viable excuse that we can actually prove, we were writing a running diary for last night’s NBA draft. Go here if this is something that might interest you or if you were planning on seeking revenge for our failing to post something disappointingly dry and poorly written. If the latter is the case, I wouldn’t be too surprised by any day off from now until August.

In case you haven’t noticed, golf and the NBA are dominating sports headlines right now (especially the NBA), and any news coming out of the NFL is fairly superfluous as it pertains to fantasy football. There is good news, however, that we found out Hard Knocks with the Cincinnati Bengals is scheduled to premiere on August 12th.

I feel like we’re becoming too preoccupied with HBO sports on this site, but we watched Hard Knocks in its entirety when they were filming at the Chiefs mini-camp in 2007. We couldn’t stomach more than a couple episodes with the Cowboys, and we get a sneaking suspicion that as much as we’re anticipating the insider look with the Bengals, it could be just as dull. Plus the show always felt hollow to me, I never really understand what the point is, and it makes the intense presentation of it so befuddling. Maybe last season it was just lacking in likable personalities, but it doesn’t really matter either way, because there is no way we don’t end up watching at least the first two episodes.

In other non-related news, Gloria Estefan now owns a hefty share of the Miami Dolphins. NFL fans/players are probably, by and large, the most concerned with being emasculated. Between the pretty pastel colors they sports, the smiling adorable Dolphin that is their logo, and a famous salsa dancing pop singer from then 80’s now owning a percentage of the team, I think this might be the last straw that leads to their base abandoning the team. They might as well have Kim Gandy come in and coach the team. I’m kidding of course, but is it going to surprise me if there’s some dust up in Jacksonville between a Jags fan that was heckling a Dolphins fan over his team’s new minority ownership? Probably not.

Their only hope is that most Dolphins fans don’t know who Gloria Estefan is (which seem highly improbable living in Miami) or they don’t read headlines in the off-season. Either way will suffice. But this could be the source of constant ridicule from opposing fans and players. At least in the article it says that the stadium will be named after Jimmy Buffet’s Land Shark Lager, that should help balance out the feelings of inadequacy. If nothing else they can get loaded on it. Things are going to seem really dire when they go 7-9 this season.

Probably it for the week unless something notable comes across the wire. Enjoy the weekend.

You’ve probably heard the rumors: That I’m washed up, that my best years are behind me and I’m a shell of my former self. That our team is falling apart, our defense can’t stay out of prison, our GM and front office are bumbling idiots and our coach has lost even a semblance of control of the team. I can’t really refute any of that, but it is our time. Our time to return to the middle of the pack, where we rightfully belong and where I was destined to take us. And I think you all know where that is….

…to HBO, Bitches! Yeah bro, the arrest record probably helped our cause with Hard Knocks, but anyone who’s anyone knows they’re here for the Palmster. I’m going to bring the pain unlike any overrated quarterback before me. Be it Tony Romo, Kyle Boller or anyone who came in the meantime. Even Brody Croyle’s wife has nothing on the charisma and charm I bring to the small screen. Plus, I get to break out the cannon again. Who doesn’t want to watch me stutter and stammer in the pocket because I haven’t demonstrated any poise since the island of Kauanakaki reared its ugly head to snap my leg on my one career playoff completion? Nobody. I’m from USC, I have star quality. Why do you think the Jets were insane enough to trade up just to draft a quarterback who hasn’t started even twenty games in his college career? Because our evaluators are blinded by the troj.

If you don’t believe me, bro, just check the university’s account records, you’ll see how valued my services are. What? You think this started with Reggie Bush and OJ Mayo? You think anyone goes to play for Pete Carroll without being amply compensated? Well, you’d be sorely mistaken. Sure it’s in SoCal, there’s an endless string of beautiful women and weather, not to mention that with no NFL team, behind the Lakers we’re the hottest sports act in town. But we’re in high demand everywhere we go, and if the school in SoCal is willing to pay us as much as the school in Norman or Tuscaloosa, we’re going to go there regardless of who the coach is.

So get ready, you red state fucks, to watch the Palmster run up the scoreboard on any and every weak defense we come across. We’ll get steamrolled by the Steelers and make the Ravens look like the ‘85 Bears, but just wait until we play the Browns, just fucking wait. For how badly Brett Favre fucked Eric Mangini, it’s going to feel like a fucking back massage when I’m through with his defense. Trade down again, dipshit, and see what happens when you disrespect a USC alum. Man, I can’t wait to inflate my season’s statistical output by having four great games against the  Broncos, Browns, Lions & Chiefs and utterly disappointing my fans and fantasy owners for the other twelve. HBO’s never been so lucky as to be graced with my presence, now the world gets to see how we make the magic happen.

And so ends another year of fantasy football. We’ve had some highs (a six game winning streak) some lows (an 0-4 start that basically kept us out of regular season money) and we owe it all to the Gods of the NFL. And when I say Gods, I mean Bill Walsh, the recently fired Mike Shanahan and everyone else responsible for the standard NFL offensive format (their all pretty much the same).

The luck factor to this season far exceeded that of any before it. At this point, we don’t even want a first round draft pick. We’re like Jimmy Johnson looking to unload Herschel Walker on whatever gullible sap we can put them on for middle-tier picks. I mean, who is instilling any confidence at the running back and receiver positions going into next season? Obviously Adrian Peterson, but after that? We’re looking at Maurice Jones-Drew, DeAngelo Williams and Brian Westbrook. I really don’t feel like any of those three options merit a first round pick.

At receiver it’s worse. I shit you not when I say that Calvin Johnson tied Larry Fitzgerald for the league lead in reception touchdowns. That’s right, the league leader in receiving touchdowns was also a member of the first ever 0-16 team in the history of the NFL. Some might say that this would make him a surefire first rounder next season, but he still plays for the Lions and seems to speak to the randomness of fantasy football. Anquan Boldin tied Randy Moss for second. A receiver who was injured so severely that he basically had a second skull inserted into his head, was one touchdown away from being the league leader, and he would have undoubtedly gotten it if he didn’t miss four games to said injury.

So, who are you liking at receiver? Obviously Braylon Edwards is off the books. Terrell Owens had ten touchdowns but didn’t crack 70 receptions. Not to mention he’s getting old and is unhappy. And we all know what that means: When Terrell Owens isn’t happy, no one’s happy. Somehow he has managed to make himself the unreasonably demanding girlfriend to the Cowboys needy and desperate boyfriend. My guess is the aforementioned Calvin Johnson tops a lot of boards, along with Fitzgerald (though his quarterback situation looks to be in peril), Andre Johnson (who’s as injury prone as anyone), Wes Welker (though he only got in the end zone thrice) and Brandon Marshall (Jesus, really?). Again, I’m just not feeling confident with any of those to comfortably use a first rounder on.

I really think, and this could be completely turned on its head at the start of next season, going with a quarterback in the first round is the safest bet you’re going to find. Depending on how everything shapes out, if you can snag Tom Brady/Matt Cassel, Drew Brees, Jay Cutler, Philip Rivers or Peyton Manning in the first round, you might be well advised to do so. It feels like for everyone of those receivers and running backs mentioned above, you can get someone comparable in later rounds (not to mention get lucky with someone like one of the dozens of players I could name but won’t take the time too). But their is a much bigger drop off from a top-tier to a second-tier quarterback.

/Wild, premature speculation.

Anyhow, just to prove my point, here are five players that probably let you down tremendously in your championship game, written in the same vein as this site.

1) Wes Welker
Just who do you think you are, Wes? You think because it’s snowing you can disappear in a pivotal week 17 game against the Bills? The Bills, Wes? You live in the northeast now, alright. Where the weather can push the ball to the right or left six to eight inches, so buck up and fucking deal with it. Either step-up or prepare to be stepped off, because Robert Craft will fire your ass like you work on an assembly line. Don’t think because you’re white you’ll get any preferential treatment. This isn’t the 1950’s. Two catches for 26 yards is considered a shit game under any circumstances. David Duke wouldn’t want you on his team with those kinds of numbers.

2) Brian Westbrook
Wow, didn’t I just anoint you top five running back status? And how do you repay me? With 62 yards of total offense and a lost fumble? Thanks for returning the favor, man. I could have ran for sixty yards against a team throwing the game. You might have had me fooled with your ankle breaking cuts and combination of strength and speed, but I’m onto you Brian. No one this proficient was ever supposed to come out of Villanova’s football program. You hear me? Nobody. So take your false modesty and head back to the nation’s capital. We hear they love a two-faced aging professional there.

3) Frank Gore
Oooh, 1,400 yards of total offense this season. If it was 1970 I’d be impressed. Also, can we put an asterisk next to your name in the record books so everyone knows that 80% of your production came in about six games of the season? No? Well fuck you then, Frank. I’m onto your Miami-ness. It’s only a matter of time before Mike Singletary puts you out of your injury prone misery with a nice, vibrant pink slip. Especially if all we’re going to get out of you is 64 yards of offense.

4) Maurice Jones-Drew
Considering you’re only five feet tall, do you think you have any longevity in this league? Seriously, you’re career might make Ki-Jana Carter look like Emmit Smith. If anything, We’ll probably see Jacksonville draft another running back to take some of the pressure off Tonttu here, the mischievous miscreant of the Jacksonville Jaguars backfield. Or at least, if we continue down the path that results in 88 yards and a lost fumble,

A visual approximation to what Jones-Drew would look like if he were Finnish.

5) Brandon Marshall
Does one even qualify for this list if he’s always on it? We grapple with this every week for Marshall, Marvin Harrison, Cris Cooley and anyone on the Browns. But Brandon, you managed to finish third in the league in total receptions, how is it that your fantasy output barely breaks the shoe size of a two year-old. Don’t think because you have one of the cooler sounding names in the NFL we won’t call you out on your bullshit. 6 catches for 55 yards? Thanks for not getting shut out against one of the worst defenses in the league. I really appreciate it.

Honorable mention: Jamal Lewis, Vincent Jackson, Matt Forte, Willis McGahee, Clinton Portis & Santana Moss.

Back tomorrow with playoff previews.

We skipped this feature last week due to an abundance of average to great performances from players who are supposed to perform. Expecting such performances two weeks in a row would be lunacy. So here are five players that quite possibly ruined your Sunday.

1) Brian Westbrook
We mentioned it before, but when all you can really say about his performance on Sunday against the Bengals is he wasn’t listed as questionable, then we might have some problems. To only manage 71 total yards and no touchdowns against that worse than shaky Bengals defense…we’re starting to wonder about your longevity. We will give you this, unlike Tomlinson, you have virtually no firepower surrounding you sans for a hot and cold rookie wide receiver, and the play calling for that game in particular was atrocious. But still, make better use of your touches to at least get your owners 15 points. You’re supposed to be a stalwart, not some quivering aging running back with nothing left in the tank. Get it together, man.

I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt, Westbrook, and just assume you were distracted.

2) Adrian Peterson
You’re lucky your good days are so breathtaking because we can’t stay mad at you. But 85 yards and -3 yards receiving? Are you fucking kidding me? This is what I get for my top three pick? Congrats on costing your team and dire sports city the game. Sure they rely on you too much but it’s for a reason. Shit, they could have thrown in Chester Taylor and gotten this type of production.

3) Andre Johnson
It’s personal between me and you, son. I go out of my way to make room for you in my salary cap league. I think, hey, they’re playing the Colts, how bad could he possibly be? Well, the answer is 4 catches for 55 yards. I hope it’s fun playing for a laughing stock for your entire career. Nothing like getting absolutely pwned by the same three teams in your division twice a year for the rest of eternity. We’ve had three quarterbacks now to make you look respectable, and your consistency is non-existent with any of them. We’ve made excuses for a long while on your behalf, but are beginning to believe you’re at least part of the problem.

4) Santana Moss
You were bound to cool off eventually given the nature of the offense you play in. But 5 catches for 29 yards against that broken and depleted Dallas secondary, that’s all you have to offer these days? If your goal is to validate our pre-set notions about you: bang-up job. If it’s to restore the faith in your apologists, well, you failed miserably.

5) Kellen Winslow
You’re lucky there were so many ungodly terrible performances this week, because we almost threw up watching you play which usually warrants a top spot. But we were about one more dry heave away from going to ER as a result of (amongst others) the four above you. Personally, I was playing against you this week so I was all the better for your 3 catches for 40 yards. But couldn’t help but feel a tinge of sympathy for my opponent who needed Soulja boy to outscore Braylon “dwarf hands” Edwards by six. You should have seen how confident he was on Monday morning and just devastated on Tuesday.

It for now, hope to post again later.

This is the time of the week when we officially gripe and lament the poor individual performances of NFL employees, who may or may not have done what was asked of them by their employer but potentially ruined your weekend. Usually when we do this it is just called bitching, but for this post we refer to it as critical observation.

1) Marques Colston
Is there anything about you that doesn’t piss us off? I’ll give you a little leeway given that you are coming off a thumb injury or some such shit, but to announce your return into the starting lineup then to fail to tally a single fucking reception is completely unacceptable. Not only are you the Saints first option at wide receiver, you play for the most pass happy team in the NFL, and you can’t come through with a couple screen passes for 10 yards? How am I suppose to account for that? Tell your coach to teach all of you how to play on the road. Fuck heads.

2) Peyton Manning
Way to make everyone look like an asshole after they proclaimed you to be rejuvenated after your shlacking of the Ravens, asshole. You’re going up against a team in Green Bay, who currently sports a quarterback that not only played at Cal, but is the predecessor to Brett Favre. And he sent you out of town on a rail. We regret drafting you because otherwise we would take glee in the beginning of the end to your career. Instead we have to wait in suspense to see how you will perform next. This week’s opponent: Tennessee. Yeah, we might be acquiring Kyle Orton for week eight.

3) Ronnie Brown
27 yards rushing and one catch for a solitary yard? Did you break your neck or something? Is Ricky Williams a bad influence on you? Dominick Rhodes torched this “vaunted” Ravens defense the week before, and he is an insufficient backup for a once great offense. Now we shudder at the thought of having to ever start you again. Tuberville would show you the door if you were still at Auburn and put up numbers like these, and they only managed three points against Mississippi State. Good job.

4) Greg Jennings
So your team drops 34 on the Colts, and you only manage to be responsible for 5.13 fantasy points of it. Yeah, yeah, the defense returned two interceptions for touchdowns, but that still leaves four scoring drives available that you were basically obsolete for. Is there a reason for your inconsistency this season? Driver isn’t catching shit, that much I can assure you. Quit being so fucking reluctant and assume your rightful position as the number one pass catching option on this young team. Just show some fucking poise for once in your life. I know you played with Brett Favre and all, but he isn’t there anymore. Your erratic behavior should have left with him to New York.

5) Torry Holt
So, your team also drops 34 on the most overhyped team in the NFL, and you amass 3 catches for 51 yards. Some of them were on third down, and that’s great. You think I give a fuck? “Oooh, what a valuable contributor to his team. He really comes through when it matters.” Fuck that. Are you going to really give up your spot as the top playmaker on this team to Donnie Fucking Avery? The guy went to Houston for Christ sakes. I mean, you went to NC State, which is only marginally better. But at least its in a BCS conference, even if said conference should have their BCS rights stripped from them until Miami gets its shit together and can beat Duke convincingly. But still, it was modestly respectable when you were there. And this is what you’ve reduced yourself to? Disgraceful.

That’s what you get, Linehan! That’s what you fuckin’ get! This is what happens when you fuck Marc Bulger in the ass! You think you come into this organization, and usurp me out of my rightful place as the starting quarterback for the worst team in the league? I’ve held it through the best of times, and no fucking schmuck whose barely older than me is going to take that away during the worst of times. You want my job to hand out to any injury prone asshole off the street, then you better get John L. Smith’s old ass in here to take it from me.

Jim Haslett knows the deal, and he respects the stripes. He knows how lucky he is to be coaching a team that was in the playoffs just four short seasons ago. You think everyone can say that? No, there are only roughly thirty other quarterbacks who can say that. And you think one of them is Trent Green? Pssh, I know he went in 2003, but that sure as shit isn’t 2004 and that clearly makes me the better option.

You see Linehan, one day, when you are playing with your kids, jobless in your backyard, it will dawn on you that no matter how undeserved and how poorly I may play, a quarterback who has even a modicum of success will always be a valued asset in the NFL. You will hear the pundits and the scouts cling desperately to a single season of good numbers and a run at the playoffs as evidence that I am worth the risk and I “still have something in the tank”.

Look at Jeff George, and he never really had all that much success, all he ever had was a “strong arm”. Whatever the fuck that means. You know who else has a strong arm? That chick from American Gladiators, she has a better chance of getting a contract from the Raiders than you ever have of getting another head coaching job in this league. Just be sure to learn this from your whole ordeal, Linehan: What Marc Bulger wants, Marc Bulger gets. I am the king of St. Louis. After Nelly…and Tony LaRussa…and Albert Pujols…and Jenna Fischer…and probably Torry Holt and Orlando Pace and whoever is on the Blues. But right after all of them, it’s me. And the crown fits juuuuust right.

Anyhow, best of luck in all your future endeavors Scott. When I’m racking up 180 yard passing games on 20-35 attempts for one touchdown and only two interceptions, you’ll know you made a mistake. And you will know my name is the lord, when I lay my vengeance upon thee!

We are devoting more time to the television site this week since there was so much to catch up on. We’ll try to churn out a couple posts here today but it is looking unlikely. Here is what to expect from the NFL and fantasy during the first bye week of the season.

-Expect fewer games. And if you were an incompetent schmuck like myself, then you drafted two quarterbacks with the same bye week, meaning you had to drop an actual asset to acquire Brian Griese.

-Expect Roger Goodell to consider retiring upon watching the shitfest that will be the Browns-Bengals game. And if Brady Quinn plays, expect him to look respectable against one of the three worst defenses in the league (Detroit and St. Louis are probably worse) and for him to be acquired in about 90% of the fantasy leagues on Yahoo. Fantasy football players are so reactionary.

In Ohio, there is always an ongoing debate as to whose quarterback is more overrated.

-Expect Jay Cutler and Philip Rivers (your top two fantasy quarterbacks thus far) to combine for over 800 yards against Kansas City and Oakland.

-Expect the Houston-Jacksonville game to be an utter disappointment, much like both of their seasons.

-Expect St. Louis to make Trent Edwards look like John Elway, followed by Bills fans proclaiming their inevitable Superbowl victory.

-Expect New Orleans to lose to San Fransisco and for Frank Gore to continue his rebound season in superb form. Usually going into the draft, every running back that looks like a guarantee bust turns out to be just that. Willie Parker and Frank Gore are denying me this self-satisfaction and there will be hell to pay. Like scathing remarks on a website that no one reads. Yeah, take that not so overrated running backs.

-Expect Donovan McNabb to finally have his leg ripped from his body if Brian Westbrook doesn’t play.

-And finally, expect Joe Flacco to finally be brought back down to earth on Monday night against Pittsburgh. And by “back down to earth” I mean decapitated.

We almost feel obligated to post again this was so flaccid. Probably won’t be until much later though.

Fuck you, Marques Colston. I didn’t even want you on my fantasy team in the first place, but taking you with the last pick in the fifth round was just too alluring to ignore. How do you respond to this act of charity so your name isn’t lingering around on the draft board like Brady Quinn in 2006? Well, not only do you fuck me with a four point performance for opening week, you neglect to give the proverbial reach around by going to injured reserve for a third of the season.

For six weeks I have to find a replacement for you. Christ, why can’t you just call it quits for the year so I can drop your dead weight off my roster? Everyone knows that the Saints are winning with or without you and you’ll be a shell of your former self when you return. You are the most expendable “stud” receiver in the history of the NFL. Yet you have managed to put up suitable numbers in each of your two years in the league, so we bit. 50th overall and virtually every fantasy board has you ranked higher, in addition to every remaining receiver having issues be it on or off the field. We take a risk against our better judgment.

Oooh, nice job on torching the Lions. You're now in Michael Turner territory.

And you fuck us tremendously. We knew the ball would be spread around too much in New Orleans this year with the acquisition of Jeremy Shockey. David Patten and DeVry Henderson are both serviceable options, not to mention the ascendance of Robert Meachem and Lance Moore. Plus the running backs, namely Reggie Bush who is essentially a receiver as well. Way to prove us right, “stud”.

This isn’t over Colston, and if you don’t surprise us by returning to form immediately after your rehabilitation, that tweaked finger you sporadically had surgery on this week without telling anyone for some inexplicable reason will feel like an ocean breeze, got it? We’re going to be particularly vengeful when The Vikings disembowel Peyton Manning this Sunday.

Fuck head.