Fantasy Football

We haven’t done this in a couple weeks despite suggesting we’d make it a weekly feature. And it’s a bit premature, but here are some ideal replacements for injured starters in the oncoming week of fantasy football. Actually, it isn’t premature at all as there is a game tomorrow night. That game might not exist to us because it’s on NFL Network, but it exists to everyone else apparently, so we might as well knock this out of the way.

1) Antonio Pittman
It stands to reason that you have no idea who this is unless you live in Ohio or St. Louis, but he is Stephen Jackson’s backup running back and looks to see the majority of carries out of the backfield. He didn’t exactly set the world on fire against the Jets, but they have the Niners this weekend. And the Niners don’t have anywhere near the run stopper of Kris Jenkins. After watching him run for three years at Ohio State, trust me, this kid can run given modestly favorable circumstances.

2) BenJarvus Green-Ellis
I kind of can’t stand this guy because he represents the overt and unapologetic random nature of modern day NFL running backs. At this point, running backs are to the NFL what peripheral actors are to television sitcoms: utterly replaceable. We wish him all the best but what he means for the league is pretty infuriating from a fantasy perspective. But he will get the majority of touches because Bill Belichick merely tolerates Kevin Faulk, he doesn’t actually like him. If Ellis hasn’t already been acquired in your league (and we would like to join your league if that is the case) you would be wise to do so post-haste.

Switching Becky's on Roseanne had no impact on the ratings, just like switching running backs rarely effects a game's outcome.

3) Cedric Benson
You won’t believe me when I say he actually looks serviceable for the Bengals, so let me just offer some numbers and wild speculation as to what those numbers mean: In his most recent game against the Jags he rushed for 104 yards and a touchdown on 24 carries. The most vital part of that stat line for fantasy? The 24 carries, as it looks like they are veering more towards him than the fumble prone Chris Perry, not to mention that the game against the Jags was the first they won all season. They are playing the Eagles who have upped their run defense from years past (though Jacobs still diced them up on Sunday night), but the Bengals are coming off a bye week. We aren’t guaranteeing a 100 yard, two TD game, but we are pretty certain he will get 70% of the carries against an over-confident Eagles team.

4) Dominick Rhodes
The Colts have one of the worst running offenses in the league and Addai, though he will play, still looked pretty hampered in the Steelers. We believe that Rhodes is still the inferior back, but if they are splitting carries about evenly (as they appeared to be doing against Pittsburgh), they are going to try and rest their top-tier player and throw Rhodes out their more frequently against the lowly Texans, whose defense is reminiscent of the Dick Vermeil Chiefs who started onside kicking midway through the third quarter in the playoffs a few years ago.

5) Ledell Betts
Clinton Portis is questionable (he probably wouldn’t play if they were going tomorrow night), so picking up Betts and waiting out the final verdict probably isn’t the worst strategy. If Portis does play, fine, just put him on the bench and play whoever you were going to in lieu of the backup. If he doesn’t, then you have a running back who’ll get over 60% of the carries against a banged up (albeit determined) Dallas defense. There is no downside to the proposition unless you have some sort of sentimental attachment to your bench players you’re never going to start in the first place.

Back later with something.

Larry Johnson: So, so get this, I says to her, I says, “I’m gonna kill yo’ boyfriend”, and the look on her face, man…Totally plussed. Totally plussed.

Jamaal Charles: Uh, alright.

Awkward moment of silence

JC: So wait, you threatened to murder her boyfriend?

LJ: Yep. Then the bitch went and got all uppity bout it, so I spit in her face. Watched that shit roll off.

JC: Well, I’m at a loss, frankly.

LJ: Muthafucka, what you mean u at a-

Chan Gailey: Larry: Coach Edwards would like to have a word with you.

LJ: Yeah, in a minute boss.

CG: Gotta be now, Larry.

LJ: God damn, all these punctual motherfuckers, Never givin’ LJ a little notice.Where he be at in the last couple minutes of a close game? (At Charles) I’ll be back, bitch. We’ll be clarifying this shit up sooner rather than later.

Walks to coach Edwards office

LJ: Coach Gailey said you wanted to see me, coach.

Herm Edwards: Come in son. Sit down for a second.

LJ: Something amidst, sir?

HE: What do we play for son?

LJ: (rolls eyes) To win the game, sir.

HE: Exactly. To wiiin The Game. What do we not play for? And if you roll your fucking eyes at me again, I’m going to tear your eyeballs out and fuck the socket.

LJ: Uh, I’m not exactly sure how to answer that, sir.

HE: Well let me help you out with that, Larry. We do not play to hock drunken loogies in some club goers face, and to threaten her douchebag boyfriend! That, I am one thousand percent fucking certain, we do not play for!

LJ: Well yes, sir. But it was, uh, I was caught up in the moment, sir. And, uh, I had been drinking too mu-

HE: You think I give a SHIT! You play in the NFL, why didn’t you just fuck her best friend like a normal person?!

LJ: I, I don’t know what else to say, sir.

HE: Well, you know what this means, right? We have to suspend you.

LJ: (startled) What? coach, no. I have to play. Every down I can.

HE: Hey, asshole. Look around, does this look like Taglibue’s NFL? No, it’s Roger Goodell’s. If we don’t take action you’ll be lucky if you don’t end up in some kind of internment camp.

LJ: I don’t care, coach. Do you have any idea what this is going to do to my reputation on the field?

HE: Yeah, you’ll be exposed as an under-performing fraud who had a season and a half of good carries and nothing else.

LJ: Exactly coach. You can’t let that happen.

HE: Sorry Larry. But this team currently has little to no redeeming qualities. You realize we only have one permanent fixture on fantasy rosters? Well, one after you leave. Tony Gonzalez. And that is only due to the fact that tight ends are god damn worthless this season.

LJ: You can’t allow this to happen. I won’t allow this to happen. You know I’m at Shaun Alexander status if I am away from the field for too long.

HE: Sorry, son. You should have thought about that before you lost your marbles in a bottle of Cristal. Jamaal and Kolby are going to assume the responsibilities at running back.

LJ: This can’t be happening. I’ve been a first round draft pick in fantasy football for four years running now. Even after last season. That’s how much potential I have!

HE: Hey, you’re a running back, dipshit. You want job security in this league? You should have played quarterback. A good one would be even better. You see the trio of fuckheads I’m working with now?

LJ: But coach, I-

HE: Chaan! Can you show Mr Johnson the exit, make sure he gathers his personal belongings before escorting him off the premises. Larry, Good day sir.

LJ: Listen, sir, I think you ha-

HE: I. Said. Good. Day.

CG: Sure, Herm.

HE: What the fuck did you just call me?

CG: Coach. Sure, coach.

HE: That’s what I thought.

Larry Johnson walks back into the locker room, sees Kolby Smith and Jamaal Charles high fiving

LJ: Motherfuckers. You better hope you’re not somebody’s boyfriend! This shit ain’t ova, you hear me? This shit ain’t ova!

Usually we prefer the college game to the pros, and for a myriad of reasons. More variance in play calling and strategy, more accessibility on television, better live game experience, etc. But if the NFL keeps up like this for the remaining nine weeks of the season, we might have to switch our loyalties (particularly if OSU loses this Saturday), at least in the short term. There was just so much to enjoy from last week that we were almost happy to be hungover to the point of immobility.

First off, and I think I speak for everyone who isn’t in Dallas or a front running douchebag, that seeing the Cowboys just meltdown against the Rams, made everyone who doesn’t have Terrell Owens on his fantasy team happy. Just a collapse of epic proportions after bringing in Roy Williams. We mentioned before that this might happen, and having the Rams for their first game was a great litmus test for where they stand as a team without Romo, and a close loss might have been a little more reassuring than a 20 point loss. Despite losing their franchise quarterback, and for as heralded as their defense is, they should really have been capable of keeping it within a touchdown to a team that has plenty of deficiencies, even with a new coach.

Losing in such convincing fashion leads me to believe that not only will this team miss the playoffs coming out of the ultra-competitive NFC east, but they could very well end up dwelling in the basement. Pity, we had such high hopes for another epic post-season collapse.

But the real story in that game is what this new coach means for everyone who has Steven Jackson on their roster, as this is two great games under Jim Haslett now. If Jackson can continue to perform like the Jackson from three seasons ago, this could spell trouble for whoever in your league has a great roster but with what was believed to be a bust in the first round, making his roster merely competitive instead of loaded. In our case, this is particularly troubling. We know full well what he is capable of with some seasonal momentum, and the Rams — who all of a sudden look like a worthy member of the National Football League — have it in spades right now.

In honor of their big win, here is a gratiutous Rams cheerleader pic.

Other developments from this past weekend include the Vikings and Bears having the most unexpected 90+ total points contest in the history of football, LenDale White going all Tim Riggins on us and throwing down for at least one game against the lowly Chiefs, the Browns returning to dropped pass form, LaDanian Tomlinson continuing his season of suckage, the entire Colts roster showing its age against a young Packers squad and Brett Favre playing like a 38 year-old should. This was, indeed, memorable. Even if completely non-indicative of how the rest of the season will look. All we know is we are hoping for a Titans-Giants Superbowl if not Eagles and someone they could actually beat on a national stage.

Truth be told we could write upwards of around 5,000 words on each of the aforementioned topics, but we work for a living, so we’ll try to summarize it all in a top five list or something.

Back with more later.

A few random observations from yesterday.

So I guess I’m the asshole for running four wide receivers instead of three running backs when I had Corell Buckhalter on my squad and benched him in favor of (gulp) Bobby Engram. I didn’t get word that Matt Hasselbeck wasn’t playing until just about their kickoff, and wasn’t anywhere near a computer when I did. All I have to say is, and I can’t stress this enough: Fuck the fucking Seahawks. It might not be the most eloquent thing I’ve ever tried to convey, but I think it gets the point across. Fuck ‘em in their wannabe Arena league jerseys with a jackhammer.

Not only did I play him over Buckhalter, but I played him over a more viable option at receiver in Vincent Jackson, who finally managed to live up to his hype dating back to the beginning of the 2007 season. In retrospect these particular occurrences don’t qualify as simply bad luck, but rather bold and unapologetic idiocy. The Eagles were playing the still lowly 49ers, and even if Hasselbeck was healthy they still had to contend with the vaunted Packers defense.

Now I will play him next week and he will lay a rotten egg for me. It is irrefutable that whatever move I make it will undoubtedly be incorrect. Still, I pulled out the victory and have Braylon Edwards going tonight, who is good for at least three catches for 20 yards. Wait, their playing the Giants? Make that three catches for 7 yards.

Also, I don’t know what your waiver wire or free agency situation is, but if my league is any indication then the herd is starting to thin. As of today we only had three guys in our free agency break 20 points with Patrick Cobbs (whatever, a third string running back that had a career day). Matt Schaub (he had to in order to keep his job) and Chad Pennington (efficient but hardly reliable for fantasy purposes). Hopefully you have all your chips in order and you avoid injury from here on out, because it is about to get really scarce on the open market.

If you were wondering who the hell Patrick Cobbs is, we thought this might enlighten you as to why you don't in the first place.

One thing you might notice about these three (other than that two of them are quarterbacks thus rendered useless for most of us), is that they all played in the same game. So if you are ever in a bind as to which player on your roster you should start, and one of your players has the Dolphins or Texans on the schedule, then I think your decision has already been made for you.

One other quick piece of advice: We don’t know the nature of Joseph Addai’s injury, nor do we think Dominick Rhodes is even near the same stratosphere as him. But if you haven’t cut the worst player on your roster for Rhodes just as a precautionary measure, then we suggest you do so and do so now. If Corell Buckhalter can rip of damn near 30 points for the Eagles, we imagine Rhodes is capable of doing something similar for the Colts.

And finally, if you have an open roster spot for whatever reason and still need a player out of tonight’s game, pick up Derrick Ward or Ahmad Bradshaw tonight. When Cleveland’s defense lays down halfway through the second quarter you won’t regret it. Also, I know it was a preseason game, but the drubbing was so exceptional that it should be indicative of what we see tonight. Unless Tom Coughlin does nothing to change up their game plan and Crenell is able to counter it, which is all a distinct possibility. We will say this, if you happened to get the Giants at 20/1 to repeat as Superbowl champs this past March, then you are probably feeling rather lucid at the moment. With or without Braylon Edwards on your fantasy team.

Back with something later.

Fuck you, Marques Colston. I didn’t even want you on my fantasy team in the first place, but taking you with the last pick in the fifth round was just too alluring to ignore. How do you respond to this act of charity so your name isn’t lingering around on the draft board like Brady Quinn in 2006? Well, not only do you fuck me with a four point performance for opening week, you neglect to give the proverbial reach around by going to injured reserve for a third of the season.

For six weeks I have to find a replacement for you. Christ, why can’t you just call it quits for the year so I can drop your dead weight off my roster? Everyone knows that the Saints are winning with or without you and you’ll be a shell of your former self when you return. You are the most expendable “stud” receiver in the history of the NFL. Yet you have managed to put up suitable numbers in each of your two years in the league, so we bit. 50th overall and virtually every fantasy board has you ranked higher, in addition to every remaining receiver having issues be it on or off the field. We take a risk against our better judgment.

Oooh, nice job on torching the Lions. You're now in Michael Turner territory.

And you fuck us tremendously. We knew the ball would be spread around too much in New Orleans this year with the acquisition of Jeremy Shockey. David Patten and DeVry Henderson are both serviceable options, not to mention the ascendance of Robert Meachem and Lance Moore. Plus the running backs, namely Reggie Bush who is essentially a receiver as well. Way to prove us right, “stud”.

This isn’t over Colston, and if you don’t surprise us by returning to form immediately after your rehabilitation, that tweaked finger you sporadically had surgery on this week without telling anyone for some inexplicable reason will feel like an ocean breeze, got it? We’re going to be particularly vengeful when The Vikings disembowel Peyton Manning this Sunday.

Fuck head.

A few random thoughts because we can’t think of anything else to write about. This is what happens when you inadequately prepare for an 11 day trip out of town.

-So, did anyone actually think Shawne Merriman was going to finish out the season? The guy had a torn ACL. Doctors were saying that he could either move vertically but not laterally or the other way around. Either way, decreased mobility for a linebacker is kind of a big deal. Just the fact that he played the one game basically makes him like the knight from Monty Python.

Good luck with the rehabilitation.

-Eddie Kennison is back in the league. He signed with the Rams to replace Drew Bennett. It seems the football Gods are being unkind to the white receiver this year. First Kevin Curtis goes down, Wes Welker loses the best quarterback in the league, Brandom Stokely is being outshined by a rookie, Manning looked shaky a couple nights ago throwing to Anthony Gonzalez, and now this. Oh well, I’m just glad that St. Louis found another aging receiver passed his prime to replace Isaac Bruce.

-Speaking of which, my friend who came into town and I spent the entire week mocking the guy who picked Eddie Royal in our draft. And for a number of reasons. One, no one knew which NFL team he was on. Two, the guy who drafted him didn’t know which college he went to despite him being a rookie. Three, there were several other serviceable second tier receivers available when he took him. And four, the only reason either of us knew he played at Virginia Tech was due to the fact he played special teams. And still, he is rewarded with one of the best performances of the week, and with Cutler looking like the second coming, he potentially has a stud receiver for the rest of the season. Fantasy football: it does not reward the just.

We’ll try to atone for this later. Our apologies.

It was a relatively boring slate of games. A couple close ones that were actually entertaining (Tampa-New Orleans, San Diego-Carolina), some soul-crushingly slow but competitive contests (KC-New England, Jacksonville-Tennessee), the usual plethora of blowouts and a bunch of undefinable contests that we couldn’t stand to watch because our fantasy team looked like shit.

We don’t want to get to self-involved, but it really was an outstandingly shitty performance from all angles. Braylon Edwards (he should invest in some gloves), Marques Colston and Maurice Jones-Drew were all outscored by Tennessee’s defense (which admittedly looked nasty), Peyton Manning had a great game even with all the dropped passes from his receivers so his fantasy tally was rather mediocre, Seattle’s Defense was shredded by Buffalo’s special teams and Jonathan Stewart’s running load wasn’t nearly as high as advertised. In short, we had two guys go into double digits with Manning and LenDale White, and White had exactly ten points.

Fucking Christ. You couldn’t buy luck that bad. If you look back at our rankings for all of the positions, how everyone performed relative to where they are ranked, it is about as accurate as anyone could hope for something so random. But every single slip up seemed to be active on our roster. It is early, but this is discouraging.

Anyhow, some highlights from the first Sunday of the 2008 NFL season:

-It’s good to see that the Bengals were able to use that great field position to, in return, give Baltimore poor field position. Some say it shows a lack of offensive firepower. We here at talking fantasy football call that efficient. It wasn’t exactly eye-candy, and we were stuck with it in central Ohio. Also, one thing we learned about this game: Carson Palmer fucking blows. There. I said it.

This about sums up the Browns performance.

-Speaking of which, we got the Browns-Cowboys game, and Dallas just looked solid on both sides of the ball and like a fantasy goldmine. The Browns looked like they had maybe the fifth worst defense in the league behind St. Louis, Detroit, Cincinnati & Houston. I mean, did Barber have a run shorter than 7 yards? Even the commentators were marveling over the amount of plays over fifteen yards. You knew it was going to be a long season for their defense when they stopped a third down conversion in the first quarter, and their defense acted like they had just won the Superbowl.

-Oh, and thanks FOX for not taking us to the Carolina-San Diego game. I don’t give a shit if CBS had rights to it, sneak a fucking camera onto the field.

-If you heeded my advice and took Tom Brady early in your draft, my apologies. All signs kind of pointed to something like this happening with the rampant speculation about that boot he was wearing. Funny thing, we were playing the kid who drafted Brady in our league and we still couldn’t capitalize. Also, all of you who drafted Maroney, Welker, Moss, you all have my condolences as well.

-I think I may have mentioned my trepidation about the Rams fantasy potential this year. So while we were getting mud-stomped all day yesterday, at least we can hang our hat on being right about St. Louis for a week.

-Is it too early to consider this a bounce back season for Reggie Bush? The NFC South is all of a sudden looking remarkably competitive. Even Atlanta ran up 35.

More on all of this later, including top surprise performers of the week. Though its fairly obvious who is heading that list.

What did I tell you, huh? What did I tell you? Did I not tell you that I would be back? No bruised thigh is going to keep me, Trent Edwards, out of the lineup, assuring a single starter at quarterback for the Bills and giving hope to your fantasy season after you waited until the twelfth round to draft a quarterback.

You think I’m going to let that Tulane putz reclaim the starting position by default? Fuck that. This Lossman guy couldn’t even hold a candle to Shaun fucking King, and he was a backup to Trent Dilfer. At least you knew what you would get out of King: a great clipboard holder. Me? Well, I’m an enigma. And expect it to stay that way.

You think Lossman should get the nod because we traded up to draft him in the first round? That by virtue of being a first round pick, I should take a backseat and recognize his fatter paycheck? Not going to happen. Me and Mr. Lossman will be unwavering all year in our inconsistency. You don’t even know which of us will start, let alone how we’ll play.

If you want what you qualify as a sure thing, then over draft a Chad Johnson-less Carson Palmer in the first five rounds of your draft, see how that works for you. But don’t fucking pretend like you can resist the allure of me in the 16th. Yeah, yeah, I know you want some finality in the status of your fantasy players, but it just isn’t going to happen. Not in this city. Not with me, not with Lossman, Not with Lee Evans, Not with ANYBODY! You will be begging for the days of an 2004 Drew Bledsoe when I’m through with you, Buffalo.

So go ahead, draft me, you know you want to. Just think about all the synergy we have in the backfield now that Marshawn Lynch has a year under his belt. It will make all the difference, you’ll see. Then once you have me, you’ll immediately regret not taking Vince Young in the 11th. The false hope you have in him is much greater than you have in me.