Fantasy Football

For the most part, one of the biggest dilemmas in constructing your fantasy football season is settling on a date. Some people do auto-drafts, which kind of defeats the entire purpose and sucks the life out of a fantasy league. You are literally letting machines make your decisions for you so you don’t have to be bothered with such trivial concerns. If you are so indifferent to something that you would let a computer do all the work for you, then why even bother to pretend that you’re interested?

Fuck off, auto-draft people. It’s always some spineless twerp with the unholy girlfriend suggesting this. Just because you are so pussy-whipped that you can’t break away from the death grip she has on your scrotum for a couple hours to even do an online draft, doesn’t mean the rest of us have to adhere to the demands of your over-eager cock. This same person is also responsible for the same complaints:

-Wants to keep the league friendly. In other words, he doesn’t want to put in any money in the confidence of his team. Fuck off. It’s friendly with or without money. Not all of us take the $20-$200 all that seriously because none of us have our finances monitored by someone we’ve been dating for two months.

-When he does agree to the draft, is regularly hurrying people because he is “short on time”. Translation: I made a promise to my girlfriend that I couldn’t keep because I am deftly afraid of her.

-Drafts a kicker in the first ten rounds because the kicker starts. This doesn’t impede on the draft and it technically plays in my favor, but it still pisses me off.

-Wants to invite his girlfriend to play.

Let it be known that in theory, I generally have no problem with the last one. The whole boys club thing is a little unsettling to me in a number of ways. But generally the culprit is so insistent regardless of whether we already have either the maximum amount of teams or an even number, and adding her would either exceed that maximum or round us out to an odd number of teams, meaning someone is always on a bye week. So to include her, we either have to kick someone out of the league, which is unfathomable; or scramble to find another participant for her inclusion.

I’m flexible. I can agree to the latter, typically. If said couple can assist in finding another participant that won’t bitch about the entry fee and is available for the designated time for the draft, it would be nice. But do not ever expect this. They never consider what a daunting task this is and just wait idly for you to make everything work out for their self-involved asses. So fuck off, needy girlfriend of/and pathetically complacent friend.

Occasionally you run into people that are completely unreasonable.

Anyhow, even with all the personal dilemmas and conflicting time tables, there is a new variable to factor in this equation: preseason injuries. It has been this way for roughly two or three years now so I am a little late on this, but scheduling your draft anytime before September is an exercise in futility. You spend at least a solid twenty minutes prepping for it, and for what? To draft a running back that tears his ACL in the second quarter of the third preseason game, because somehow that is when everyone decides that starters should go for roughly three quarters (unless you’re a top ten player). That’s twenty minutes in addition to the draft that you will never get back.

Generally it’s all fair because everyone is drafting at the same time, and you are all running the same gamut if you choose to draft in early August. If you did this, and you drafted Chad Johnson, then ‘dems the breaks. But it is in everyone’s best interest to keep the draft at least in late August, at least most star players have gotten their reps in and will generally be sidelined for that least preseason game.

Trust me when I say this is in everyone’s interest. Even if you stay healthy, you don’t want to hear the one person lamenting and clinging to that one injury to his star wide out as justification for why he is in last place, regardless of how legitimate it is. You want to stay injury free? Draft 1998 Brett Favre. Otherwise you conceded to the agreed upon draft date and knew the circumstances going in, so take your bitching to your coworkers because I don’t want to hear it.

Basically what I am saying is this: Never be your league’s commissioner. It is time consuming, nerve-racking and just a general pain in the ass trying to coordinate schedules and take individuals eccentricities into consideration. And before you know it the whole thing is like planning a wedding you don’t even want. My suggestion to avoid this responsibility is just keeping your mouth shut and waiting for someone else to bring it up, then force your recommendations on whichever sap agreed to run your league.

Back later.