Fantasy Football

Here’s the second slate of games for the last weekend of the NFL regular season. I can’t really call it the second “half”, because their is only six of them. Thank the NFL and their absurd scheduling for this gross inequity in the two posts. I’m not assuming blame for this. See this? (rubs hands together vigorously) This is me washing my hands of the situation. I will not be held responsible.

Home teams in CAPS.

NEW YORK JETS -3 Miami
Line Pick: I know New York is destined to win this game, just to piss me off, but good lord have they looked terrible. Are they getting three just because there will probably be snow on the ground? That seems awfully tentative. I guess I’ll go with common consensus just because the Jets couldn’t sink any lower than they have, and they have won games against New England and Tennessee. But I do not feel good about it. At all.

Fantasy Advice: I would not suspect anyone other than Ronnie Brown and Thomas Jones are going to have solid fantasy games here. Maybe Dustin Keller or Coles will do right by you, but it doesn’t really feel like it has the makings of a high scoring game.

PHILADELPHIA -1.5 Dallas
Line Pick: This is a brutal game to pick. Both are going to go full throttle. Just because. Not for any particular or tangible reason (though I suppose Dallas could still make the playoffs, I have no idea what the tiebreakers are and everything). The only team with playoff talent that is more finicky than Dallas is Philadelphia, but Philly’s at home and it should be in extreme conditions…We’ll take Philly to cover, mostly because we want to see Dallas barred from the post-season. Not because we have any strong convictions one way or the other.

Fantasy Advice: Philly has a top three secondary and a questionable run defense, so go with Tashard Choice assuming Barber is still sidelined. Owens’ vindictiveness is unparallel, so you might see him break off a long overdue two touchdown game. Witten should have a big game because Philly’s linebackers do not offer much in the way of pass coverage. Otherwise…I think you’re looking at a standard fantasy guessing game. Curtis and DeSean Jackson are both worth considering, but look at Philly’s point totals for the past six games: 13, 7, 48, 20, 30 & 3. It warrants mentioning that the only two home games in that mix were the 30 & 48, but those were against Cleveland and Arizona. As much as we like to mock Dallas’ defense, they run circles around the two of them.

Ladies and gentlemen, your 2008 Dallas Cowboys.

Basically what I’m saying is, I have no idea what the fuck I’m talking about.

ARIZONA -6 Seattle
Line Pick: Wow. I guess I have to take Seattle given how Arizona has looked as of late. But have the Cardinals sunk so low that they can’t find the heart to beat a team in their own beshitted division? I think they may have. And anyhow, they can still win, just by less than two field goals. They only beat the Seahawks by six in Seattle, and that was a month and a half ago when people were still buying into the Cardinals as a legitimate playoff contender. Yeah, we’re feeling confident in the Seahawks now. Nice job, Cardinals.

Fantasy Advice: Despite the pick of the Seahawks, we like virtually every startable Cardinal to produce. Unless they’re playing the Vikings, they seem to be a little more comfortable at home. Or rather, they look like they’re in outer space when on the road. Which is ironic, because I’m pretty sure that dome they play in used to orbit the moon. On the Seahawks side of the ball, everyone and no one is viable. This Cardinals defense could give up 40 to the Lions at this point, but we’re still talking about Seneca Wallace here. Despite the piss poor defense, I’d be hunting for alternatives.

SAN FRANSISCO -3 Washington
Line Pick: I’m taking the Niners specifically because they’re not the team traveling cross country. I think this game will prove just how inexplicable every game the Eagles play seems to be and confirm Mike Singletary’s return to San Fran next year where he can set the blog world ablaze with his unorthodox motivation tactics, and insipid reporters can ask him awkward an misinformed questions about his departed idols.

Fantasy Advice: I don’t really have any sleepers to recommend, unless you still consider Isaac Bruce a sleeper. I don’t think you can, since he has managed to crack 20 fantasy points in three of his last five games, and he broke ten fantasy points in the other two he didn’t manage a touchdown. If you have any faith in a Washington offensive player that isn’t named Clinton Portis, then you’re a better man than I.

BALTIMORE -12.5 Jacksonville
Line Pick: I think with San Diego now having a chance to make the playoffs and the Browns residing in Cleveland, we can safely say that Jacksonville was the biggest disappointment of the season. A 12.5 point dog to a team with a rookie quarterback, and to be honest, I don’t know if it is big enough. Last year, in this same situation, I don’t think Balmer even scores 13 points, now they’re favored to win by that much. Unreal. And yeah, we’re picking the Ravens.

Fantasy Advice: So it appears I can’t mock Jacksonville receivers anymore. At least not Dennis Northcutt at home against the softest defense making the playoffs this side of Arizona, San Diego & Denver. So yeah, we expect him to be shutdown and shutout, because he’s their best option now. We tend to think even Jones-Drew is going to struggle in this game, despite getting all the carries because Fred Taylor finally remembered he’s in his fifties. The Ravens are supporting a healthy stable of running backs that are sure to see a lot of yards and a lot of carries. And based on Reggie Wayne finally producing last week, we like Derrick Mason and Michael Clayton to have similar performances.

SAN DIEGO -8 Denver
Line Pick: The Sunday night game couldn’t be more appropriate. Two underachieving teams struggling to win the second worst division in football. We like the Chargers to ultimately win this, but 8 is entirely too high. Denver is still coached by Mike Shanahan and they still have Jay Cutler. Not to mention that San Diego is a tad prone to losing home games in dramatic (traumatic?) fashion. Yeah, they really should pull out the W if for no other reason than their defense can occasionally (if infrequently) make a stop. When they played at the beginning of the season Denver won by a single point at 39-38, not that much has changed. San Diego to win, Denver to cover.

Fantasy Advice: I’m not sure what the fantasy equivalent of “bet the farm” is, but do that. Anyone whose anyone I would start in this game. Except for the defenses, of course.

That’s it for the week, enjoy the games. We’ll be back on Monday to do a retrospective of sorts.