Fantasy Football

So we’ve been sitting here at work, trying to think of something relevant to fantasy football to discuss about the NFL playoffs and we’re struggling to find the material. The best we can come up with is the connection between the abnormal nature of these games altering fantasy performances, but that seems kind of obvious. So we figured, what better than to rank the individual performers to date? It’s quick, easy.

Obviously a set of stated criteria is in order, so it will go like this:

-The bigger the numbers, the higher the rank. I just blew your mind, didn’t I?
-Only players still in the playoffs are eligible.
-Extra credit for having played in the wild card round. This is only a disadvantage for the Steelers, whom after they’re dispatching of the Chargers should be able to handle the setback.
-We’re going to break this off into a position by position ranking of the top three players at receiver, running back and tight end, and include all four defenses and starting quarterbacks.

Quarterbacks
1) Kurt Warner: Look at Larry Fitzgerald’s numbers, then take into consideration that Warner has occasionally completed passes to other receivers (though you wouldn’t believe it from looking at Fitzgerald’s numbers) and you’ll understand why.
2) Donovan McNabb: The best of the remaining, “don’t turn the ball over and you’ll be considered an asset” quarterbacks. His two games have combined for over 500 yards, 3 TD’s (one rushing) and 3 interceptions. Enough for second place.
3) Joe Flacco: Two touchdowns and just under three hundred yards passing in two games. He’s just like Trent Dilfer. Honestly, we’d mock the state of the NFL more, but what does it say about the state of the quarterback position (or the Ravens front office) that it took the Ravens roughly nine years to find Dilfer’s predecessor.
4) Ben Roethlisberger: we wanted to put you in front of Joe Flacco, Ben. But 17/28 and one touchdown doesn’t make up for playing in half as many games.

Running Backs
1) Willie Parker: Just to demonstrate how wonky this fucking season (and as it seems for the foreseeable future, the league) has been, a running back whose played only one game has produced as much as the eight running backs who comprise the backfield of the other eight teams left in the playoffs. 146 yards and two touchdowns is good enough for the top spot.
2) Tim Hightower: Even with the resurrection of Edgerrin James career that has resulted in two games for 99 yards rushing and two touchdowns, it has gotten him the #2 spot. Congrats on finishing in second place by default, Tim.
3) Willis McGahee: 94 rushing yards and a touchdown in each game land him the three spot. It’s in a landslide, really. Actually, Westbrook has a case to make with his 71 yard touchdown reception, but since it’s his only TD in two games, we gave the nod to The U alum, who’s fortunate to even have a career.

Wide Receivers
1) Larry Fitzgerald: Honestly, its been so good that we fault the defenses as much as we credit Larry, here. 12 catches for 267 yards and two scores in better than just about better than any two running backs not named Willie Parker.
2) Derrick Mason: Nine catches for 149 yards and a touchdown is an admirable two game performance, but looks like utter shit compared to Fitz (That’s short for Fitzgerald).
3) Anquan Boldin: Though he didn’t play against the Panthers, he had two catches for 72 yards and a touchdown against the Falcons.

Defenses
(This is the one category that we’ve actually seen some widespread efficiency in, so we’ll take it somewhat seriously)
1) Baltimore: Four forced fumbles, a blocked kick, five interceptions one of which Ed Reed returned for a touchdown and only 19 points allowed in two games earns them the top spot in a very stiff field.
2) Arizona: NINE turnovers which included one defensive touchdown against the Falcons that ended up being the difference in the game puts Arizona at #2.
3) Philadelphia: They’ve had a better overall defensive performance than Arizona (only allowing 25 total points to Zona’s 37), but this is a fantasy ranking. And four forced turnovers to the Cardinals eight isn’t enough to succeed them.
4) Pittsburgh: They gave up 24 points to the Chargers and forced no turnovers. One would think that holding a team to one offensive snap for an entire third quarter that turned out to be an interception would garner a higher ranking than this. But it’s pretty emblematic of how these playoffs have been.

That is to say, drab, passe and predictably unpredictable. Our last three Superbowl Champions have been six seeds, so this entire song and dance has gotten to the point of redundant. I don’t want to rehash what we said yesterday but just by looking at the above numbers, we now understand why we were so disinterested on Sunday. It wasn’t just the hangover we were sporting! It was partially due to the product on the field Huzzah! Plausible deniability!

Back tomorrow with something.