Here are five players with usually pedestrian expectations that you should expect a relatively gargantuan week from:

1) Ryan Grant
In short, he is playing Seattle. If the Giants — even as good as they are — can light them up for 44 points without their best playmaker, then certainly Ryan Grant can rack up around 100 yards and a couple touchdowns, right? I mean, he wasn’t just a fluke for the last eight weeks last season that is going to mail it in with his new contract. Heaven’s no. That type of thing only happens in the NBA. Well, it happens with rookies in the NFL because their contracts are so rewarding. So we never find out if they are busts or just don’t give a shit from the get go.

2) Fred Taylor
A bit of a slow start this season (not as slow as I had anticipated when I drafted Jone-Drew with the last pick in the third round), but despite the loss he looked frisky against Pittsburgh. Who is Fred “I decided to wait until the tail end of my career to get a DUI” Taylor playing this week? Denver. It is at Mile High, but that defense in recent weeks has us ecstatic that we didn’t lay down that future bet we had intentions of doing when in Vegas. Whichever team from the NFC east that makes the Superbowl would eat them alive.

3) Chester Taylor
His carries have been reduced even more so in Peterson’s second season. But with them playing the Lions this week, unless Peterson is set to break his own single game rushing record, expect Taylor to split carries a little more evenly. As they should have this win wrapped up by mid-second quarter.

4) Derrick Mason
Yes, Baltimore’s historically bad offense is once again unbelievably inept. But Indy’s defense always manages to breakdown and give up more points than they ever should. If they can manage to contain Dwight Freeney, who turns 70 next week, Flacco might be able to get the ball out to his best receiver for a couple big plays.

5) Ladell Betts
We generally do not care who they are playing, if St. Louis isn’t in a bye week, we are putting a backup running back or a second team receiver from their opponent on this list. This week’s default entry because they are playing the Rams? Redskins running back Ladell Betts. Betts managed to fill the void while starter Clinton Portis missed the majority of the season with injury. Now with Portis back and as effective as ever, Betts has taken a secondary role. Expect Jim Zorn to give Betts the garbage carries as the crown eagerly chants his last name a la Rudy.

Back later with something equally insightful.

Well, except the Seahawks finally relinquishing control of the top spot in the NFC West that they have maintained for the past four seasons. Not that they have succumb to the awesome power of the Cardinals, Rams or Niners; those teams range from solidly average to worst in the league. No, it appears that the Seahawks, much like the Colts, simply appear to be getting old. And their sudden elderly status has caught them off-guard.

The Seahawks have perennially been one of those teams that you knew would always make the playoffs due to a long list of circumstances (competent coach, balanced attack, aforementioned shit division), but would never actually contend for a title (sans the year they went to the Superbowl in an exceptionally weak season for the NFC). Sure, you watched them run around in their distracting, complicated uniforms, produced some entertaining games and who knows, maybe you even made some money betting on them to cover at home. But you knew that whatever else happened, for whatever reason, this team would never get over the hump.

Seattle may be down to a quarterback who was ran out of Cleveland. Draw your own conclusions.

As we watched them get pummeled by the Giants, we realized that this was no longer the dullest spread offense team in the history of the league that would methodically fail to exceed their considerable expectations. No, now they have the opportunity to be bad. I mean, really bad. Not only are they old, but they are banged up, and now neither of their quarterbacks are even bothering to show up for practice. This can’t be good for morale.

Under normal circumstances, we wouldn’t give a shit about any of this. We generally dislike the Seahawks. From the petulant whining of their fans over the politics of their teams players to the coach’s self-righteousness when it comes to perceived slights from officials…it all just rubs us the wrong way when it comes to which teams we want to see win. But this season, we finally did what everyone has told us for our fantasy football career, and that is draft players off this team.

Now, the season isn’t near over and there is plenty of time for redemption. But lets just say that my discontent for the Seahawks has only grown. For years I had resisted their tempting allure while those around me got fat off the excessive passing yardage. This season, I take Hasselbeck in the 7th and Bobby Engram in the 13th, and they both have fucked me raw. They fuck me going for the past three years, and now they fuck me coming. Hasselbeck has yet to have a game where he breaks ten points, Engram just got back onto the field, and their receiving corps. is in such dismal shape he was immediately catapulted back to the number one slot he reluctantly and indecisively held last season.

This, among other things, is why my team is the St. Louis Rams of our fantasy league. The only way the Seahawks could intensify my hatred of them any more is if I lived in a state sensible enough to house a casino and they lost at home to the Lions or something. That would ensure them of my contempt until the end of time.

Now we are just hoping they are banished to Oklahoma City.

/Sort of just kidding.

1) Sinorice Moss/Domenik Nixon
I suppose someone had to step up in lieu of Plaxico Burress, and why wouldn’t it be the fourth and eleventh options after him? I mean, expect the unexpected, right? Moss’ numbers would be relatively unimpressive if two of his four catches weren’t in the end zone. These performances were so surprising, we suspect they didn’t score any points for anyone in any league that isn’t based out of the New York/New Jersey area. Unless you had Amani Toomer, it all kind of evens out.

2) D’Angelo Williams
The leading scorer for the past week as he accumulated 148 yards of total offense and three total touchdowns (2 rushing, 1 receiving). This will make his cumulative points on the season look impressive, and if he is a free agent in your league there will probably be a league wide clamoring to acquire him. Don’t worry if you were late to the draw then, because they were playing Kansas City, he is 5-9 and he has a much more consistent running back that is still amazingly right behind him in the pecking order.

He's almost as tall as the guy in the blue in the background, that might buy him a couple extra carries.

3) Kyle Orton
Can we put Kyle Orton on here when he has scored over twenty points the past three weeks, and he did so again on Sunday, and it was against the Lions. Yes, I believe we can. Because he is still Kyle Orton, and he was still backing up Rex Grossman earlier this season. Anything he does sans ties his shoes on his own is considered a surprise.

4) Isaac Bruce
Anytime a receiver catches two touchdowns with JT O’Sullivan throwing to him he is going to make this top five. It’s just a rule we have. Not to mention if said receiver is turning 37 in November, and was in his prime during the Clinton administration. Also, on a related note: Fuck you, Bryant Johnson. A guy nine years your senior should never outpace you in productivity unless you are under the age of 21. And even then it shouldn’t be a decisive victory.

5) Nate Washington
This was so surprising we accidentally called him Kelly Washington on Monday. He is the type of player you are always tempted to pick up during a bye week because Pittsburgh spreads the ball around so much and he is as likely of a target as anyone, then the one week you actually do get him off free agency he has about two catches for seven yards, and you vow to never have him occupying space on your roster again. Well, to the 99% who do not own him in Yahoo fantasy leagues, you made a huge mistake not having him against the Jaguars on Sunday night.

That’s it until tomorrow. Trust us, when we are posting more than once a day, no one will be happier than us.

Nah, just kidding. Here’s your top five letdowns for week five in the NFL.

1) Adrian Peterson
Holy Christ was that a laid egg from Peterson last night. New Orleans probably has a slightly better than average defense, and the fact they held Peterson to 32 yards on 21 carries is probably one of the better surprise defensive performances of the year. Minnesota’s next game is against Detroit, and let me just add that if any of you are in salary cap leagues, we recommend making the cap space to acquire Mr. Peterson, because he just might cause of hurricane.

2) LaDanian Tomlinson
That’s right, what was probably the first and second overall picks in your draft are also your two biggest letdowns from the past week of football. We were torn between which one of them earned the top spot, and went with Peterson simply because he had fewer points, even if he did play the better defense. Sad thing is about Tomlinson, is we can’t recommend Tomlinson for a redeeming follow up week.

That 60 Minutes Piece Is Starting To Look Like Hyperbole.

3) Brandon Marshall
It was difficult for us to put him on here, since we think a poor performance from Marshall is more connotative with “what we expected” rather than “What happened that we couldn’t believe”. But we have to give credit where it is due, and although Tampa has a bruising defense (like every year for the past ten or so), three catches for 25 yards is hardly what anyone had projected.

4) Larry Johnson
This is almost an honorary mention because Larry Johnson’s career is on fumes from here ’til the end of the line, but anyone who manages to put up .2 points is going to recognized for such a daunting feat. I can honestly say that I have never seen this before. I’ve seen negative points from quarterbacks and defenses (occasionally from receivers fumbling), and I’ve obviously seen zero points from someone who isn’t playing. But notching a .2 point total as a running back has to be a milestone for fantasy football.

5) LenDale White
Our favorite running back for a penchant for fast food came close to usurping Larry Johnson’s shitastic performance, but manage to produce twice as many yards (4) and a reception for no gain; good for 1.4 points with your standard fantasy football scoring. If you have LenDale White on your team, heed this advice and heed it good: Trade him. Trade him fucking now. Make it look like you are selling high and tout those five touchdowns he has on the season, try to get Ryan Grant who has yet to break the 25 point mark on the season. Sell him low and pick up a backup (Darren Sproles) to a perennial starter (LaDanian Tomlinson). But whatever you do just get him off your roster.

Other noteworthy contenders: Santana Moss, Chris Johnson, Eddie Royal (we might have seen these three coming), Steve Smith, Philip Rivers & Marshawn Lynch.

It seems that since the league itself has incorporated so much parity, that has trickled down into the fantasy ranks. Shit, we started out 0-4 on the season, and with a potential win tonight we still have a shot (not just a statistical shot, but a practical chance) to make the playoffs. I guess that is the difference between fantasy and reality: we can still make the playoffs and St. Louis is already almost guaranteed to finish as last in their division, despite it being the weakest division in football. Sill, this is unusual and frightening. Hopefully things will even out, and start to make sense at some point.

That’s not to say that we weren’t right about a few things, but I think the NFL has reached a point of parity that there isn’t any coming back from. I mean, the two best teams in the league (Giants and Titans) have experienced significant losses and have some noticeable deficiencies at the moment, but if you were to pick two teams to make the playoffs, those would undeniably be the two common consensus picks. This goes to explaining why the leading point scorer on your team was Sinorice Moss.

Your fifth leading scorer for week five from where he is best known: College.

Or wait, I’m sorry. He wasn’t on your team. He wasn’t on anyone’s team. You know why he wasn’t on anyone’s team? Because he is the Giants fourth wide receiver. I know Burress didn’t play and that obviously factored into this, but when the ball is spread around as much as it currently is on seemingly every NFL team, you can’t really assess anything with a consistent degree of accuracy. You are just as likely to have a big week with Steve Breaston and Kelly Washington on your roster as you are with Larry Fitzgerald and Hines Ward. Unless you play quarterback, there is very little separation from one player to the next. My roster is probably the best example of this, I am currently winning my week by 25 points without my 2nd (Braylon Edwards was on bye), 3rd (Colston is still out with injury) or fifth round (LenDale white is rendered obsolete) draft picks on my starting roster.

Just look at the running back situation currently in the NFL. At the moment, we have at least seven rookies starting or getting ample playing time in Chris Johnson, Kevin Smith, Matt Forte, Felix Jones, Steve Slaton Darren McFadden & Jonathan Stewart; Rashard Mendenhall was a permanent fixture in the Steelers lineup pre-injury, not to mention Michael Turner leading the league in rushing in his first season starting. Even if you can predict all of this taking place you can’t realistically expect to draft accordingly. I’m not sure if you would deem this progress or regress. What it is, however, is the current state of the NFL.

Personally, I blame Mike Shannahan. His bullshit running by committee approach has seemed to spawn all of this and now star playmakers are used as distractions as frequently as they are used to make plays. This season is an anomaly in its severity, but the trend of random good and bad performances is here to stay for the foreseeable future.

This, my friends, is the epitome of being on tilt in fantasy football. I know whichever move I make it is going to fuck me raw, and will somehow end up resulting in extra points for my opponent. I can’t really explain why this is, but in a season in which there is seldom any clear cut answers, guessing right is of the utmost importance. I mean, that isn’t to say that picking the optimal lineup in years past hasn’t been daunting, but the high and low of putting in the wrong player is dismal in 2008.

To give you an idea of how close things are, Brett Favre, after having an okay first three weeks (16, 22 & 11 fantasy points), is now sixth in overall scoring after one (albeit tremendous) game in week four in which he produced 36 fantasy points…There are supposed to be players who have performed consistently enough that he doesn’t eclipse half the league in total scoring after just one week.

So here are five players to avoid despite recent success. We know this is getting somewhat repetitive, but we have to post at least once every morning and there really isn’t much to say about fantasy football five days removed from the last week of play.

1) Santana Moss
I can’t believe this bullshit, but right now he is the second highest rated receiver on Yahoo behind Anquan Boldin. With that in mind, he is playing the Eagles this week who probably have one of the better secondaries in the league and a younger, better model of Moss in DeSean Jackson, so they have experience practicing against this prototype of receiver. Expect the Eagles to lock Santana down, or as much as anyone has all season. Where the fuck were you last season when I drafted you in the sixth round? Shithead.

Yeah, you're having a great season to date, but can you play the guitar, Santana....Moss?

2) Reggie Bush
He could still have a good game and his presence on this list would be warranted. We were a bit mislead when we described his performance this season as “every other game“. because right now he is second in scoring behind Jay Cutler. Still, they are playing Minnesota this week and while their defense has underperformed from a fantasy perspective, one thing they do is over-pursue the backfield, which means those swing passes are likely to be stopped before they even begin.

3) Eddie Royal
Currently 25th in overall scoring but that was almost due solely to the fact that Brandon Marshall was absent for that week one drubbing of Oakland. Denver is playing Tampa who looked deftly strong against Green Bay last week outside of a couple long touchdowns to Greg Jennings. Expect the young, unexpected rookie to be brought back down to earth.

4) Chris Johnson
This is the season of the rookie running back. Right now we have Matt Forte, Jonathan Stewart, Darren McFadden, Kevin Smith, Felix Jones, Rashard Mendenhall (before his injury) and Chris Johnson all starting or getting ample playing time this season. The latter of which has been highly impressive. Unlike Forte, Johnson is still splitting carries with another running back(LenDale White, who is quickly becoming obsolete) and is making the most out of his relatively limited touches. We know Jeff Fisher is one of the better schematic coaches in the league, but Baltimore has a rejuvenated defense that is looking to clock some fucking heads after blowing that game against Pittsburgh on Monday. Look for Johnson to have one of his few bad games all season this week.

5) Michael Turner
Not only is this the season of rookie running backs, it is also the season of running backs who were supposed to be below-average to average that turned into pro-bowlers. Such is the case with Michael Turner, who is currently leading the league in rushing yards. Well, the days of playing St. Louis and Detroit are over. Expect his midget ass to be swallowed whole by the Green Bay front seven on Sunday.

This is highly negative, we’ll try to post five to start later.

As of now, the three biggest news items today — which are actually left over from yesterday that we posted too early to mention — involve three players that were technically not in the league as of Tuesday: Cedric Benson, Vince Young and Travis Henry. So naturally, there isn’t a rush of fantasy football participants dashing for the waiver wire with the onset of these developments. So, what do we have to do other than make another top five list? We’ll make this one…top five replacements for your bye week.

These are players that may still be on your waiver wire and may have already been acquired by the overly-aggressive participant in your league. This guy tends to also be the most melodramatic when he experiences a run of bad luck, and enthusiastic when things are going well. In other words, he cares more than everyone else, and during fantasy football season he is borderline intolerable to be around. Anyway, here’s your five best potential options for this weekend:

1) Warrick Dunn
I haven’t the slightest clue what is wrong with Earnest Graham, Carnell Williams or any other running back the Buccaneers had under the age of 33, but the seasoned vet looked in rare form last week against Green Bay. And yes, between Lorenzo Booker, Leon Washington, Greg Jones and Warrick Dunn, the one who was on their national title team with Charlie Ward in 1993 is your best fantasy option from Florida State.

It warrants mentioning that Charlie Ward retired from the NBA three seasons ago.

2) Derrick Ward
Only God knows how Tom Coughlin is going to play his running backs, but when you are looking to fill a void for one week and one week only, Derrick Ward is a suitable replacement in the hope he will break off a couple big runs and maybe score you 10-15 points. Who knows, maybe Brandon Jacobs will sustain his annual ankle injury in the first quarter and you’ll get 15-20 carries from him.

3) Antonio Bryant
Another Buccaneer but this one is at wide receiver. We’ve been on the Broncos bandwagon since earlier this season, but that defense is susceptible to giving up large point totals. If you absolutely need a receiver and are looking for a good matchup, the dejected Cowboy Antonio Bryant might be one of your better options.

4) Greg Olson
Tight ends are a pain in the ass and I am of the mind that they shouldn’t be fantasy options. Or rather, they can be but they line up at receiver. As of now, their bye-week is just one more caveat to fantasy football that is beyond any realm of control. Because, honestly, picking up a backup tight end successfully deserves about as much credit as the kid who fires up twenty half-court shots before hitting one of them: it was completely out of his hands and he was lucky on one occasion.
With that said, Greg Olson became something of a target for Kyle Orton last week. More importantly, they are playing the Lions. They could bring back Cedric Benson for this game and he’d rack up twenty fantasy points.

5) Miles Austin
This Cowboys receiver is getting the go ahead since Wade Phillips has such an aversion to running the ball, so why not pick up their third or fourth option in the passing game. I mean, he had a touchdown last week, right? They lost last week unexpectedly and are playing Cincinnati, so they are bound to run up the score. Eh, whatever, take this advice at your own peril.

Might be it for today, exceptionally busy at work once again.

-The Bengals have signed Cedric Benson, because nothing solves a troubled clubhouse with multiple felons and headcases, by bringing in another headcase with felonious charges. This probably won’t have much bearing on your fantasy season, because if you have any current Bengals your season is probably fucked anyways.

I think we found Marvin Lewis' replacement.

-Terrell Owens, despite being thrown to 17 times and getting two misdirection runs, has complained about a lack of attention from his offensive cohorts. They ran close to 60 plays on Sunday meaning he was the focus of a third of them. If anything, the Cowboys lost that game because they put too much emphasis on getting him the ball. Anyhow, if you have Marion Barber or Felix Jones, I’m not sure if there will be any sort of backlash or benefit from this, but if I am a Cowboys fan, I’m pretty sure we’re not making the Superbowl. Again.

-The Steelers are down to one healthy running back in Mewelde Moore, and they had enough sense to steer clear of Cedric Benson, who isn’t even remotely tempting for most teams. Still, at some point constantly downgrading at the running back position has to eventually catch up with a team, right? I mean, when is it an actual liability to lose your starting tailback? I assume it is when you lose your backup tailback as well. Someone should inform the Bengals that if they were still built for a strong running game that Rudi Johnson, Kenny Watson or Chris Perry would do just fine.

-Everyone knows about the firings of Lane Kiffin and Scott Linehan, and really this can only stand to help your fantasy team if you have any Rams or Raiders. But I think it has been proven that if you drafted any Raiders (sans Darren McFadden) before round 12, then you are clinically retarded. I believe the act has been medically defined as such.

Might be it for today unless we get billing done early, which hasn’t happened in the three years I’ve worked here. So don’t hold your breath.

That’s what you get, Linehan! That’s what you fuckin’ get! This is what happens when you fuck Marc Bulger in the ass! You think you come into this organization, and usurp me out of my rightful place as the starting quarterback for the worst team in the league? I’ve held it through the best of times, and no fucking schmuck whose barely older than me is going to take that away during the worst of times. You want my job to hand out to any injury prone asshole off the street, then you better get John L. Smith’s old ass in here to take it from me.

Jim Haslett knows the deal, and he respects the stripes. He knows how lucky he is to be coaching a team that was in the playoffs just four short seasons ago. You think everyone can say that? No, there are only roughly thirty other quarterbacks who can say that. And you think one of them is Trent Green? Pssh, I know he went in 2003, but that sure as shit isn’t 2004 and that clearly makes me the better option.

You see Linehan, one day, when you are playing with your kids, jobless in your backyard, it will dawn on you that no matter how undeserved and how poorly I may play, a quarterback who has even a modicum of success will always be a valued asset in the NFL. You will hear the pundits and the scouts cling desperately to a single season of good numbers and a run at the playoffs as evidence that I am worth the risk and I “still have something in the tank”.

Look at Jeff George, and he never really had all that much success, all he ever had was a “strong arm”. Whatever the fuck that means. You know who else has a strong arm? That chick from American Gladiators, she has a better chance of getting a contract from the Raiders than you ever have of getting another head coaching job in this league. Just be sure to learn this from your whole ordeal, Linehan: What Marc Bulger wants, Marc Bulger gets. I am the king of St. Louis. After Nelly…and Tony LaRussa…and Albert Pujols…and Jenna Fischer…and probably Torry Holt and Orlando Pace and whoever is on the Blues. But right after all of them, it’s me. And the crown fits juuuuust right.

Anyhow, best of luck in all your future endeavors Scott. When I’m racking up 180 yard passing games on 20-35 attempts for one touchdown and only two interceptions, you’ll know you made a mistake. And you will know my name is the lord, when I lay my vengeance upon thee!

1) Everyone Involved with the Browns-Bengals Game
We could make a list ten deep just on this game alone, but this is a lot less time consuming. Yeah Braylon Edwards, you caught a touchdown? Congrats, man. But you still only totaled anywhere from 10-15 points in most fantasy leagues so fuck off with your minor increase in production. You know its a bad sign when a breakout game for you consists of 3 catches for 22 yards. Kellen Winslow, Chad Johnson, Houshmenzadeh, Derek Anderson? You are all just as much of a disappointment.

2) Reggie Bush
You seemed prime for a breakout season, but I suppose that is only if you have a loaded roster surrounding you, much like at USC. One positive thing that can be said about Mr. Bush, is that he makes a great decoy. Just look at the numbers put up by all those no name receivers. This every other game bullshit is growing tiresome. Speaking of which…

He's not exactly an academic, but some people are just better suited for college.

3) Maurice Jones-Drew
Are you ever going to be even remotely consistent? Why are you a high draft pick in any league? I am just speechless about the fluctuation that will apparently be your week-to-week career. I’d be better off with that midget from Oregon State on my fantasy roster than I would with Mr. Drew. At least I would know that he would let me down every week.

4) Jonathan Stewart
It isn’t entirely your fault because your asshole coaches insist on playing that oompa-lumpa they drafted a couple years back in the first fucking round, but could you actually step up your production on the touches you do get? 3.7ypc isn’t exactly taking the world by storm. Good lord, Chris Johnson is making every other rookie running back look like a mistake.

5) Andre Johnson
In short, your white counterpart damn near quintupled your point production. It must be rewarding to know that you almost single-handley cost your team their first win of the season against a division rival. Either you really hate Matt Schaub, want traded, or your just as overrated as the 2003 Fiesta Bowl led me to believe.

Back with something later today.