Fantasy Football

You’ve probably heard the rumors: That I’m washed up, that my best years are behind me and I’m a shell of my former self. That our team is falling apart, our defense can’t stay out of prison, our GM and front office are bumbling idiots and our coach has lost even a semblance of control of the team. I can’t really refute any of that, but it is our time. Our time to return to the middle of the pack, where we rightfully belong and where I was destined to take us. And I think you all know where that is….

…to HBO, Bitches! Yeah bro, the arrest record probably helped our cause with Hard Knocks, but anyone who’s anyone knows they’re here for the Palmster. I’m going to bring the pain unlike any overrated quarterback before me. Be it Tony Romo, Kyle Boller or anyone who came in the meantime. Even Brody Croyle’s wife has nothing on the charisma and charm I bring to the small screen. Plus, I get to break out the cannon again. Who doesn’t want to watch me stutter and stammer in the pocket because I haven’t demonstrated any poise since the island of Kauanakaki reared its ugly head to snap my leg on my one career playoff completion? Nobody. I’m from USC, I have star quality. Why do you think the Jets were insane enough to trade up just to draft a quarterback who hasn’t started even twenty games in his college career? Because our evaluators are blinded by the troj.

If you don’t believe me, bro, just check the university’s account records, you’ll see how valued my services are. What? You think this started with Reggie Bush and OJ Mayo? You think anyone goes to play for Pete Carroll without being amply compensated? Well, you’d be sorely mistaken. Sure it’s in SoCal, there’s an endless string of beautiful women and weather, not to mention that with no NFL team, behind the Lakers we’re the hottest sports act in town. But we’re in high demand everywhere we go, and if the school in SoCal is willing to pay us as much as the school in Norman or Tuscaloosa, we’re going to go there regardless of who the coach is.

So get ready, you red state fucks, to watch the Palmster run up the scoreboard on any and every weak defense we come across. We’ll get steamrolled by the Steelers and make the Ravens look like the ‘85 Bears, but just wait until we play the Browns, just fucking wait. For how badly Brett Favre fucked Eric Mangini, it’s going to feel like a fucking back massage when I’m through with his defense. Trade down again, dipshit, and see what happens when you disrespect a USC alum. Man, I can’t wait to inflate my season’s statistical output by having four great games against the  Broncos, Browns, Lions & Chiefs and utterly disappointing my fans and fantasy owners for the other twelve. HBO’s never been so lucky as to be graced with my presence, now the world gets to see how we make the magic happen.