Fantasy Football

There’s a bunch of non news items like people returning to camp, Brett Favre status with the Vikings and op-ed on Mike Vick, but it’s all incredibly mundane, retread material that the NFL is famous for. Personally, I think I’d rather jump into a pit of lava filled with gremlins than write about “What It All Means” with any of these news-breaks, because they’re all so meaningless.

For some reason, the NFL isn’t making headlines in early June. Right now fantasy baseball is in vogue, and I can’t think of anything more relentlessly boring. I know a lot of people enjoy it, and I really shouldn’t judge. I play fantasy basketball and actually enjoy it more than football, but I feel like there’s a fine line of excessiveness with statistical productivity that fantasy basketball and fantasy baseball rest on opposite sides of.

So in lieu of having anything related to the NFL to write about that doesn’t consist of some headline like, “why this trade/acquisition will spell S-U-C-C-E-S-S for your fantasy team?”, we’re going to list the top ten sports/sporting events that would relate kindly to the fantasy realm but for whatever reason they aren’t (In other words, every sport that isn’t football, baseball, basketball, hockey, Nascar, golf and box office predictions), because no one’s ever done anything like this.

1) The Olympics

This is a tad vague, but you could pick individual athletes, countries, keep it confined to individual sports or a field of hand-selected ones. In all, this is probably the best fantasy sport option, and it would actually force you to take an interest in something most Americans either completely disregard or only pretend to care about. Not to mention the eye candy. Tell me, all things being equal, would you rather stare at the woman off to the left or Vince Wilfork in skin tight clothing?

2) Boxing

Man, if there was ever a sport that needed an influx of creative approaches to watch it. It’s simple: more points are earned for the heavier the weight classes, but the league would span every class from feather to heavy. The scoring format would be something like points earned for each win to varying degrees with decision, KO and TKO; bonus points for successful title defenses. This is obviously a rough overview that could be tweaked, but I think it’s the best chance to revive a sport that has been relying on HBO reality mini-series for exposure.

3) Soccer

Soccer also offers a fair share of work distractions.

This is a tad tricky since the scoring is so low, but if you brought non-productive stats like shots on goal or successfully deflected goal kicks,  then I think you have a game. Also, this would lend itself kindly to the World Cup, which seems completely unpredictable every year (at least from the very distant view with which I watch the World Cup) , and the way it is formatted with randomly compiled “groups” and whatnot, it would be much easier to score. The sport is so god damn tabloid infested you could get points for each confirmed WAG one of your players/teams managed to bed.

4) Horse Racing

Much like boxing, this is a sport definitely in need of a revival. Not so much because we still pretend to be knowledgeable and intrigued by at least one race a year (though usually three). We’re not really sure we regard this as a sport, though. And if you’ve ever been inside a sport book in Vegas or at an a track, we think they already have a version of fantasy horse racing available for those interested, it’s called traditional gambling. I hear it’s a blast. Me? I prefer the pig races at county fairs.

5) Lacrosse

I can’t begin to express my annoyance with this sport and it would seem virtually everyone who plays it, but it does accompany itself well to the fantasy concept: moderately high scoring, defensive statistics that laymen can follow and a growing player and fan base. I would never give this northeast institution the satisfaction of me following it, because it seems to attract some of the more loathesome and irritating college students known to man.

tied for 6th) Surfing & Bull-riding

There probably isn’t two sports with more dissimilar fan bases and participants, but for both it’s all about duration of time. In other words, how long does your surfer/rider stay upright riding a wave/a bull. And if one of the people you drafted dies in competition, you lose the spot on your roster.

Bowling

Points can be earned by placement and by final score. It could be calculated on a sliding scale from 300 and from first place. Plus, alcohol and sandwich consumption could be supplementary categories, like turnovers and offensive rebounds in fantasy basketball.

9) Tennis

It just seems so remarkably predictable that I can’t imagine this holding anyone’s interest. Either you have Federer or Nadal or you don’t, and that’s basically your league. Even then, which surface they’re playing on, nine times out of ten it will tell the tale. Maybe you could keep them out of your draft just so the two people who randomly would get the top picks wouldn’t be assured to finish in the money.

10) Poker

I’ve actually heard this tossed around as a possibility, but gambling on gambling seems like it’s about the last sign of a problem. If this is something you’re engaging in, chances are your spouse has left you, you’ve lost your job and have emptied your savings. Two weeks after joining a “fantasy poker” league I’m pretty certain that murder at least crosses your mind.

We’ll keep it at ten because as little as we know about the nine aforementioned sports, we know even less about something like Jailai, Rugby, Cricket and Field Hockey. I don’t want to be misleading, we wouldn’t ever actually partake in any of this, as introverted as we are, even we like to get away from flickering monitors a couple times a day.  Anyhow, this was fun, even if it was only used for filler. Hopefully something pertaining to the NFL that doesn’t invoke the names/words Favre, Vick, rookie, extension or mini-camp will make some headlines, and we can use that as fodder for this site.