Fantasy Football

If you’re wondering why we are posting these so late on a Thursday night as opposed to late Friday morning, then you probably are hard-pressed for a social life so I might as well tell you. We are heading down to Atlanta for the SEC title game. I apologize for writing these a day earlier than anticipated, I can’t imagine how upside down your world is now.

Anyhow, these are for the 4PM through Monday night games, for tonight’s and the 1PM games go here.

BUFFALO -1 Miami
Line Pick: I’ll take Miami. Now, to more pressing matters: why the fuck is this a 4PM game? The game is being played in Canada and I do not know any Canadians. Are they prone to sleeping in really, really late? Because usually 4PM games on the east coast are reserved for matchups between two high profile teams with Superbowl aspirations. While both of these squads are above .500 (or just at it), they have mostly the widespread parity that overruns the NFL for that. I can’t imagine Chad Pennington or Trent Edwards leading teams to .500 records in the mid 90’s. So yeah, fuck you NFL, for this bizarre scheduling.

Fantasy Advice: Ronnie Brown, Ricky Williams, Ted Ginn for Miami. Marshawn and maybe Fred Jackson in your deeper leagues. You start Buffalo wide outs at your own peril in fantasy football. I’m not going to contribute to that.

DENVER -9 Kansas City
Line Pick: Even though it feels to conventional and like it’s going to bite me in the ass, I like the Broncos to cover. At home, it looked like they got some of their swagger back against the Jets, and well, their playing the Chiefs. If they can force two turnovers against that offense I can’t even fathom KC keeping it inside nine.

Fantasy Advice: Jay Cutler’s throwing arm is so strong, that he lifted Chief and the water fountain over his head in one thrust. Jay Cutler’s throwing arm is so strong, they super-imposed it into the movie Over The Top when he was a toddler. Jay Cutler’s throwing arm is so strong, that when he beats off his seed shatters glass. Obviously you should start Jay Cutler, lest you feel the wrath of his bulldozer of a left bicep. They say it’s sculpted from the finest metals. Also, you probably won’t go wrong with any KC running back or Denver wide out.

The AFC West might be the worst division in football, but their first in professional applauders. Which is just as rewarding.

New York Jets -4 SAN FRANSISCO
Line Pick: I like this Niners team enough to cover a Jets team traveling cross country. Why? The same reason they beat Buffalo on the road: persistence. Remember that Monday nighter in Arizona? They didn’t relent despite being outmatched, disorganized and on the road. I have a feeling something got exposed in the Jets armor last Sunday against Denver. We’ll take the Niners, hope things go well and hope Singletary doesn’t give some school kids a fruit bowl.

Fantasy Advice: Alright, we’re at a point in the season where no one can justify starting anyone from the Niners other than Frank Gore and, as of recently, Isaac Bruce. For the Jets, we like Keller (again) and Cotchery. And naturally Jones, but if anyone has Thomas Jones and isn’t automatically starting him, you’re beyond our help.

New England -4.5 SEATTLE
Line Pick: Does anyone remember Bill Belichick so much as even struggling with a team as bad as this Seahawks squad? They’ll win by 20.

Fantasy Advice: Anyone on New England is a viable candidate this week. Ben Watson, Jabbar Gaffney, Wes Welker, Matt Cassel. If you’re in a deep enough league, leave nothing to chance. As for Seattle…Umm, Maurice Morris or TJ Duckett might score you a couple late touchdowns. I don’t know, you’re better off finding a monkey to set your lineup than actually putting any thought into starting a 2008 Seahawk on your fantasy roster.

ARIZONA -13.5 St Louis
Line Pick: I know it would be idiotic to give him the award and I typically hate contrarian bullshit like this, but Stephen Jackson is arguably the most valuable player to his team in the league. They can’t stay within three touchdowns against anyone without him and compete against the Patriots and Dolphins with him (not to mention beat the Redskins and Cowboys). What I’m trying to say is, take the points but keep in mind that Arizona is much more effective at home than they are in, say, Philadelphia.

Fantasy Advice: Well, the aforementioned Stephen Jackson is the only recommendation we can make for the Rams. Though in some of your deeper leagues Donnie Avery is definitely someone worth considering. If you don’t know by now, just start any of the three receivers for Arizona. If you don’t know which three I’m referring too, just know I don’t mean Jeremy Urban.

PITTSBURGH -3 Dallas
Line Pick: We always miss with this Pittsburgh team and we fucking hate the Cowboys, so our pre-set notions aren’t serving us well here. Since Pitt won so convincingly in New England last week and Dallas seems to be on something of a roll (not just anyone can host and dismantle the Seahawks this year), we’re going to take the points and go with Dallas, even though we tend to think Pitt is the better of the two squads. Why are we using such inverted logic? Because we’re 20-10-2 through two weeks and nothing in the NFL makes sense.

Fantasy Advice: Pittsburgh is still relatively inconsistent in the passing game and it looks like with Parker banged up but expecting to play, you can’t put too much stock in either him or Moore. This all kind of explains why we like Dallas to cover, as their offense should be able to move the ball against Pitt. Or at least as much as anyone has. With Dallas, we like a lot of the reservers (Austin, Crayton, Tashard Choice). The only way to keep Pittsburgh honest is to keep them off balance. If Jason Garrett is even half as smart as Jerry Jones wants him to be, then he’ll know this.

BALTIMORE -5 Washington
Line Pick: Baltimore’s been on a tear as of late, but it’s been against garbage teams (Cleveland, Cinncy, Houston an Eagles team that only played McNabb for a half, and one blowout loss to the Giants in the middle of all that). They both need the win to stay in the playoff race, but Washington is much more desperate. We’ll take the five and the dog.

Fantasy Advice: Two stingy defenses going up against struggling quarterbacks. We’ll say Portis is a must because we have eyes, and both defenses should force some turnovers against inexperienced quarterbacks.

CAROLINA -3 Tampa Bay
Line Pick: Good golly is this an intriguing match-up. I think Tampa is the vastly superior team but their on the road. Carolina had a big win against Green Bay and shows no signs of slowing down. We’re actually going to take Tampa because Carolina’s offense is a little too one-dimensional (throw to Steve Smith, hand off to Williams) and Delhomme is susceptible to one of those horrendous Delhomme specials. Tampa is too good of a defense to fall to that. At least by a wide margin.

Fantasy Advice: Well, Steve Smith and DeAngelo Williams. Obviously. If they can get a win out of this, Carolina will also have to utilize Muhammad and Jonathan Stewart (You see how we hedged our bets there?). Tampa is sort of an enigma, fantasy wise. If Cadillac is getting carries it renders Dunn obsolete (and vice versa). Garcia is only good in either leagues with 14+ teams and two quarterback leagues, and at receiver reliability is defined by Antonio Bryant. Yeah, I guess I’m saying only go with the running backs.

Alright. That’s it. We’ll return on Monday with something half as comprehensive as this. Enjoy the great slate of games this weekend.