Fantasy Football

Provided the forecast is accurate and the weather doesn’t undergo any rapid changes, we fully plan on going to the Ohio State Spring game before the draft. We probably won’t stay beyond the first half so there shouldn’t be any time constraints, but if we are tardy in our return please, by all means, entertain yourself with this. Just left click to change colors and it’s like being four years old all over again… But then you will quickly realize that you’re in your 20’s or 30’s, and then you’ll inevitably fall into a mild depression over having done nothing with your life and part of the reason is you’re playing with an interactive online toy tailor-made for people who barely know how to tie their own shoes.

On second thought, just veer away from that link altogether.

Roughly 9PM last night: So Matthew Stafford and the Lions begrudgingly come to terms on a deal with $41.7 million guaranteed. Looks like going on Jimmy Fallon’s show to fling footballs at dinner plates was the deal-breaker for the Ford family. It’s absolutely impossible to root against the Lions this season. But when the best thing anyone can think to say about the situation is “he has a 60% chance of succeeding”, I would be a little reluctant to start celebrating if I’m a Lions fan. The one thing playing in Stafford’s favor is he has Calvin Johnson to throw too, who, if nothing else, has the potential to go down in history as the best jump ball receiver of all-time. But yeah, he better pray they address the offensive line over the defense with their second first rounder, there’s a reason Dan Orlovsky was unwittingly running out the back of his own end zone.

Back around 4PM or so.

3:55- Matt Stafford thinks football is fun to play, setting the appropriate tone for the rest of the evening. Jim Schwartz doubles up on that and informs us that Stafford made it an easy decision, that’s why they waited until the night before the draft to sign him on.

3:57- To give you an idea of how little I’ve been paying attention to all this and how inconsequential my draft preview is: I just found out Jason Smith was black.

3:59- I think this montage is to give you an idea of the inflated self-importance of the NFL and ESPN. Nothing like a rap remix on a hymn so we know just how SERIOUS all of this is.

4:04- Weeee, it’s going to be so much more entertaining watching Matt Stafford get tackled behind the line of scrimmage instead of Jon Kitna. Thanks for the graduation speech, Goodell. You personality deficient overlord. Wow, it’s amazing how Mel Kiper can voice over some highlights like he’s never seen them before.

4:07- Erin Andrews and Stafford are forced to talk for the second time in five minutes, I’m pretty sure the only reason he’s tolerating it is because it’s Erin Andrews. Though she’s a gator and pales in comparison to the average girl he screws after a home win, so his poise is impressive.

4:10-The Rams are expected to take Jason Smith, just to make the move completely inconsequential for your fantasy season. Stephen Jackson will be a monster until his annual ankle injury in week 4, so Donnie Avery is what we’re looking at.

4:13- Eugene Monroe is the last remaining entity from the monster recruiting days of Al Groh at UVA, they wouldn’t go wrong with that pick either. It’s a shame they can’t take both of them to make a tangible difference.

4:14-So, the pick is in…OMGOMGOMG they took exactly who they should have and everyone said they would. Riveting! But seriously, how often does this actually happen, a team taking who they should. That’s how you get back to the mountain top in a beshitted division. Also, this will bait someone into over-drafting Stephen Jackson in fantasy, so there’s that.

4:20- I’m not going to lie, I’d be reluctant to draft any football player out of Wake Forest.

4:21- Trey Wingo wants Herm Edwards to pretend he didn’t get fired from his coaching job because Edwards would so rather be talking to some dipshit lacking awareness.

4:22- I’m watching this with two other people, and it’s impossible to listen to this analysis, which we couldn’t be more thankful for. We did catch that they had 17 rookies drafting…what exactly did they get for Jason Allen? Oh yeah, a 2-14 season.

4:25- Steve Young: screaming at the top of his lungs is a good indicator that hanging around the ESPN NFL crew can turn anyone into a functioning moron.

4:26- As surprising as it is, Tyson Jackson might be the better choice just because he went to LSU, and I’m thinking someone within the organization is an LSU alum because this is the second top five defensive lineman they’ve taken in as many years. Of course, he hasn’t really panned out, soo maybe they should have taken Curry. I don’t know, I’m a fucking idiot, why are you reading this?

4:30- Probably the smart move taking Curry, if for nothing else Seattle always seems to have a pedestrian defense and they don’t want to buck that trend. Still, it’s better than taking Sanchez, who isn’t going to turn into a good pick until the teens.

4:34- Aaron Curry, seems like a decent enough bloke, but probably isn’t the best example of what Wake Forest has to offer academically.

4:36- Mangini wants “his guys” because he’s an insufferable narcissist, but he might just happen to be a capable NFL coach. I hope at some point in the near future, Cleveland can find a Belichick disciple that suits them. But really, where do you start if you’re Cleveland? They need everything. Running back is aging (though everyone likes Harrison) they’re down to one receiver who hates the team and the city hates him. The defense is paltry. The one place they have an excess of talent is QB.

4:40- Smart, smart move by Cleveland: trade down in a weak draft. It’s not exactly rocket science.

4:42- If anyone should take Sanchez it’s New York, they have all the integral pieces needed for a rookie starter, but, you know, I just don’t think he’s going to be a good quarterback.

4:46- Someone said everyone in the NFC east has a QB except New York, and I agree with him. Everyone knows Trent Edwards is the next Joe Montana and Chad Pennington has at least ten more years under his belt.

4:48- Cleveland made the right move here, they’ll get a first round pick with about the same value as the 5th overall but will pay him a fraction of what they would have. Plus an additional second round pick that will probably be an upgrade at whatever position they draft for.

4:49- The pick is in and we’re being told to drink Coors Light, that’s my queue to grab a Bellhaven at next commercial.

4:51- Cincy takes Andre Smith, who I guess is problematic because he didn’t show up for some workout. Seems kind of overblown but Cincy taking him kind of confirms that he’s a fucking mess. Pssh, whatever, he’s a highly touted offensive lineman from the SEC, he should be a pro bowler for a decade. That is assuming he stops short of his third strike. I like how his player profile is in a baggy sweatshirt while everyone else is in a cyclist gear.

4:57- Ladies and gentleman, this years Done Whitner without the on-field success: Darrius Bey!

4:58- If we can infer anything from this, it’s that Darren McFadden’s workload just tripled.

4:59- And Michael Crabtree looks like a great pick now. The last time a team took a receiver too high because of a good forty time is Troy Williamson to Minnesota a few years ago. Ironically, he plays in Jacksonville now.

5:06-Eugene Monroe is on the phone, which means he’s the next selected. Or his girlfriend’s pregnant.

5:08- Monroe it is, making Jones-Drew even more valuable next season with no Fred Taylor. They couldn’t have gone wrong either way, but it must have been tempting to take Crabtree. Though the blinding reflection from his earrings probably makes him easier to pass on.

5:10- BJ Raji out of Boston College, the ACC is being represented well in the lottery (or would be lottery). If you watched the ACC at all this year, you would know that it makes sense that two of them have been defensive players because your average final score in the conference looks like a baseball game. Bang up job, Raiders.

5:14- Nice reporting by Erin Andrews. I’d rather be taken in the second round than have to play in Oakland and it’s important to reflect that that is the sentiment at the Crabtree pick.

5:18- You won’t believe this, but the Niners won a bunch of their meaningless remaining games at the end of the season. I think I speak for all of us when I ask if they do this every year.

5:19- This is one of those situations where there just isn’t a good pick. If they take a receiver, they have a questionable QB throwing to him, if they go defense they’re hanging the offense out to dry. Whatever, this is retribution for owning the 80’s.

5:21- Crabtree it is. Probably the best move in just taking the best on the board. At least they have plenty of sub-par QB’s to vie for the position.

5:23- The Bills are next on the board, that’s always an adventure. I wonder, who can they over-draft this year.

5:24- Michael Crabtree, ever the lovable scamp actually gives an substantive answer. Predictable? Yes. But something where he used more than a series of two syllable words.

5:25- As much as I appreciate ESPN’s efforts to spoil the announcement of every pick, I really wish they’d refrain from the cell phone shots.

5:27- Maybin is apparently the samurai from Necessary Roughness. Good pick, I reckon. You’d be hard-pressed to better out of the Big Ten this year.

5:28- Wow, that was only a mild patronizing answer from Steve Young about Maybin in Buffalo.

5:31- Denver is pretty much the same situation as San Fran, and naturally the second Mike Shannahan is out the door, they take a running back too high.

5:34- Brian Orakpo going to Washington. If I had to take a defensive end this season, this is who I would take. He made that entire defense at Texas look about four times better than they actually were (note: they still weren’t that good).

5:36- It’s nice to see Donald Brown is doing pretty much what I am: Sitting on the couch and overreacting to everything that happens. The difference being I’m with a couple people and he’s by himself. Well, he has a camera on him. I didn’t know who he was until just now (one of the benefits of playing at Uconn), but I want the Eagles to draft him now. I like the low maintenance.

5:40- New Orleans taking Malcolm Jenkins immediately makes them a team whose bandwagon I am hopping on. Between him and Will Smith, they have two of the more impressive former Buckeyes in the past twenty years. I’m that easy.

5:49- I would have gone with Malaluga, if for no other reason than seeing that Erin Andrews interview. Why do I want to see that, you ask? Well, this might have something to do with it (sorry, our fourth branch of Government that ESPN serves used their power to get it deleted from the internet).

5:51- Houston, also known as the San Fran of the AFC, is going to make the playoffs last year because they went 8-8 last year.

5:52- Larry English out of Northern Illinois goes to San Diego. Kind of an odd decision for a team loaded at the linebacker position, though Chris Berman inarticulately expressed otherwise in regards to Shawne Merriman. But Mel Kiper thinks it makes sense, so it isn’t something you can argue with. You’re not allowed.

5:55- Will Cleveland take the hometown kid? How much does Mangini want to upset the overly sensitive Cleveland fanbase. Seriously, that stadium after a home loss is like trying to console a girlfriend whose dad just died. What I’m trying to say is, they might take it a little too hard.

5:58- Trading down again, I love it. Should be another second round pick and two spots down in the first. Stockpiling for a team that didn’t have a good starting point is about the best they could do….OK, a sixth round pick for Tampa to advance two spots. Who are they eying for the 6th fucking round? Whatever, he’ll probably start the second half of next season.

6:01- Tampa taking Josh Freeman. I have to tell you, I like this move for Tampa. They are getting a raw talent at a relatively low price, with a huge arm and mobility. Also, with a decent receiving corps. and an endless line of running backs, it’s about the best situation he could realistically go to. Did I mention they got him for a low price? What would you rather have, Mark Sanchez at $60 million or Freeman for a small fraction of that?

6:06- Robert Ayers out of Tennessee goes to Denver. Ugh, only seven sacks in the SEC. That’s like two in the Pac-10. I’d be going to with a multi-threat like Malaluga, who can tackle, pass cover and play the running lanes. They need a five tool player to avoid being Detroit Lioned this season.

6:08- Cleveland on the clock. Again. So, do they take Chris Wells, Ray Malaluga, an offensive lineman or a local boy? Or do they trade down for an extra seventh rounder? The Suspense is killing me. Are they eventually going to trade themselves out of this week fucking draft completely, and just double up for 2010? I’d love to see that.

6:11- Did Steve Young and Keyshawn Johnson just have a heated argument when they were arguing the same point? I think they did.

6:13- CANNNNN YOUUUU DIGGGGG ITTTTTT! Finally, we draft a wide receiver in the first round, and an efficient and versatile one. We’re a bit undersized between Jackson, Curtis and Maclin, they’re going to look like someone swatted a beehive with a baseball out there.

6:16- You’re not going to believe this, but Keyshawn thinks the Eagles should have taken a sizable, possession receiver. He’s right, but even if he wasn’t that would still be his protestation.

6:18- Alright, I’ve calmed down, Keyshawn has all but admitted he doesn’t know what he’s talking about. Obviously Philly has their reasons for not trading for Boldin, I can’t fathom what they’d be…but they improved at the position where they were weaker.

6:20- Hmm, questionable pick by Detroit, but he can block as well as he can receive. And if nothing else, they got the best player at the position that was available this year with the 20th overall.

6:21- Cleveland on the clock. Again. I thought they might be angling to get Pettigrew, if that was the case then, well, tough titties Mangini. Guess sometimes it works in your favor to not trade down three times.

6:24- Going from 5 to 10 picks is impressive. At this rate they’re going to have 240 picks by the end of the 2009 draft.

6:26- Still, after trading down from the 5th to the 22nd pick, Alex Mack might upset some people. It’s a smart move beefing up the line, but is anyone feeling like a Cal lineman is satisfactory? Just based on hearing his story, I’d rather have Michael Oher if I’m a Cleveland fan. Which I’m not, thank God I’m not.

6:28- It’s a good thing Minnesota is filling that void left by Troy Williamson, that’s usually takes years to recover from. Seriously, I understand though, it takes drastic measures to appease the likes of Sage Rosenfels (I know I spelled that shit wrong).

6:31- Alright, on second thought, Minnesota doesn’t have many holes to fill (other than QB), and they could use an upgrade at receiver. I take back half my flippancy. But only half, you should have traded down.

6:38- Good pick by Baltimore, give your overrated QB some protection, open up some holes for your overrated running back and ride out your aging defense until they’re all in wheelchairs.

6:41- The Greg Oden of the NFL draft in terms of humility, I think Baltimore is feeling satisfied with the pick.

6:43- Two Rebels taken in a row, I guess them flattening Texas Tech in the bowl game makes sense now.

6:47- Vontae Davis out of Illinois going to Miami. Man, what a change of scenery. I give it about six months before he’s caught in a hotel room with three hookers and an eight ball.

6:51-Breaking news: New England is looking to drop out of the first round. It’s hard to tell Eric Mangini won three Super Bowls in there.

6:55- Green Bay takes…A miscellaneous USC defender. Is it just me or is there an abundance of white defensive players going early this year? Not that it matters, but we’ve seen more biker haircuts than semi-shaved heads and it’s unsettling.

7:00- What the hell was that?

7:02- Is Indy taking Donald Brown over Chris Wells? Well I’ll be. He looked a lot more badass sitting by himself than he did with his parents. It looks like he lives in Matt Saracen’s grandmother’s house. And really, are we down on Joseph Addai right already? Is that the career span now for running backs before they cut you like a dog? Three years? Whatever, I wouldn’t touch either of them in fantasy.

7:04- Did Buffalo need help with offensive line? I guess after the trade with Philly they did, but this seems like a team that’s destined for mediocrity. Who stands out on their roster? Yeah, I don’t know either.

7:06- Giants on the clock. They have a void that needs filled, but I can’t recall what it is. Was it discussed in the news? I seem to remember hearing something about their corner backs. I guess we’ll see.

7:10- New York does the logical thing and takes the best player at the position they’re desperate at in Hakeem Nicks. I’ve mentioned my proclivity for him earlier, but he’s a little short for what they need. Have of their offense was after Eli Manning held onto the ball for too long, he would loft up a hail Mary for 35+ yards and 30% time it would work. Still, they could have done a lot worse.

7:14- Tennessee on the clock, and what kind of odds are we giving them to make the playoffs? 10-1? A small market team with a 40 year-old quarterback who just lost (arguably) the best defensive player in the league last year. All six teams aren’t returning, they’re probably the least likely to return.

7:16- Tennessee, if you do not intend on trading Chris Wells, then just don’t draft him. You’re one of like five teams in the NFL that doesn’t need another running back. Find a defensive presence and move on.

7:19- Kenny Britt, for some reason when I look at this guy I see Reggie Brown. Still, it makes more sense for them than another running back, though I doubt LenDale White averaged more than 35 ypg last season. When he did break that, the bench broke out the oxygen mask. Because he’s fat, you see.

7:24- Chris Wells going to Arizona, seems like a good fit for all around. Is this first round about over? I’e anticipated seeing where he’s going to go and it took so long that I eventually lost interest.

7:27- I like it, Arizona just took a lot of pressure off their 40 year-old quarterback, and now they can keep defenses honest. Deadly. The Arizona Cardinals are deadly. It’s eighty degrees out, but I’m pretty sure it’s about to start snowing.

7:32- Alright, one more pick and we can get the fuck out of here. And its…Ziggy Hood. Damn right. I think. I wouldn’t put to much stock into someone whose name could be identical to the team mascot.

There it is, your first round of the 2009 NFL draft. Riveting. Back next week for something a little more faux-insightful. That’s what we do best around here.