Fantasy Football

That’s what you get, Linehan! That’s what you fuckin’ get! This is what happens when you fuck Marc Bulger in the ass! You think you come into this organization, and usurp me out of my rightful place as the starting quarterback for the worst team in the league? I’ve held it through the best of times, and no fucking schmuck whose barely older than me is going to take that away during the worst of times. You want my job to hand out to any injury prone asshole off the street, then you better get John L. Smith’s old ass in here to take it from me.

Jim Haslett knows the deal, and he respects the stripes. He knows how lucky he is to be coaching a team that was in the playoffs just four short seasons ago. You think everyone can say that? No, there are only roughly thirty other quarterbacks who can say that. And you think one of them is Trent Green? Pssh, I know he went in 2003, but that sure as shit isn’t 2004 and that clearly makes me the better option.

You see Linehan, one day, when you are playing with your kids, jobless in your backyard, it will dawn on you that no matter how undeserved and how poorly I may play, a quarterback who has even a modicum of success will always be a valued asset in the NFL. You will hear the pundits and the scouts cling desperately to a single season of good numbers and a run at the playoffs as evidence that I am worth the risk and I “still have something in the tank”.

Look at Jeff George, and he never really had all that much success, all he ever had was a “strong arm”. Whatever the fuck that means. You know who else has a strong arm? That chick from American Gladiators, she has a better chance of getting a contract from the Raiders than you ever have of getting another head coaching job in this league. Just be sure to learn this from your whole ordeal, Linehan: What Marc Bulger wants, Marc Bulger gets. I am the king of St. Louis. After Nelly…and Tony LaRussa…and Albert Pujols…and Jenna Fischer…and probably Torry Holt and Orlando Pace and whoever is on the Blues. But right after all of them, it’s me. And the crown fits juuuuust right.

Anyhow, best of luck in all your future endeavors Scott. When I’m racking up 180 yard passing games on 20-35 attempts for one touchdown and only two interceptions, you’ll know you made a mistake. And you will know my name is the lord, when I lay my vengeance upon thee!