Fantasy Football

Sorry for the incredibly late post. We have an explanation over here, but if you don’t want to click on the link, long story short is: we had to give a coworker a ride to the mechanic. If we didn’t have to do that, this would have been posted at least five hours ago. If it makes you feel any better, said coworker is now on our shit list.

But anyways, given the likelihood that everyone reading this is only drafting one tight end, one kicker and one defense; we decided it is better to cram them all into one succinct post instead of trying to think of something clever, insightful or interesting to say about Mason Crosby.

So, hear is Talking Fantasy Football’s top ten of each of these three positions:

Tight Ends:

1) Kellen Winslow - Everything he did last season plus whatever comes with a year’s experience.
2) Jason Witten - Can block, but basically a second wide out.
3) Antonio Gates - Ditto
4) Tony Gonzalez - …And now with a second year starter.
5) Jeremy Shockey - Very tempting to put as high as two, but we’ll play it conservatively.
6) Todd Heap - So long as Troy Smith is the quarterback.
7) Alge Crumpler - Should rebound with a QB that doesn’t like throwing to shitty receivers.
Dallas Clark - Always reliable.
9) Chris Cooley - underused and still finished sixth in overall scoring.
10) Vernon Davis - Is fully capable, just waiting on team catch up with him

One name we intentionally left of this list is Heath Miller. Why? because fuck Heath Miller. We’ve over-drafted him each of the past two seasons when he should have broken out, but since he is such a skilled blocker, they divy up tight end plays between him and some other white guy who was too slow to be a linebacker. So fuck the Steelers with a pineapple.

This might be too light, proper vindictation might have to be one of those square watermelons.

Defenses:

1) Minnesota - Just hope Tavaris doesn’t throw too many interceptions deep in their own territory.
2) San Diego - Always rated highly, and always live up to it. Last year they led the league in production.
3) Green Bay - Balanced defense with no glaring weaknesses.
4) Jacksonville - They lost Marcus Stroud, but still have a loaded attack.
5) Tennessee - Should only get better, but they have the same liability as Minnesota.
6) New England - Sometimes on the field too long, and rarely have long breaks as the offense scores quickly.
7) Tampa Bay - As balanced as Green Bay, just not as good.
New York Giants - Will they create the same pressure in the backfield without Strahan? We tend to think so.
9) Seattle - Great at home, vulnerable on the road.
10) Dallas - Should improve, but we’re reluctant to believe it.

When it comes to predicting the success of a team’s defense, few things are more imperative than schedule. Which we didn’t look at before determining these rankings. Heed this advice at your own peril.

Kickers

Top Five:
1) Nick Folk - The variables that make up a kickers strength: Accuracy and the offenses ability to move the ball. Folk has both in spades.
2) Adam Vinateri - Google him if you don’t know why.
3) Phil Dawson - See Nick Folk.
4) Shane Graham - NFL in Ohio will at least excel in something.
5) Jason Elam - You have a better suggestion?

Bottom Five:
1) David Akers - His performance parallels McNabb’s health over the past five seasons.
2) Rian Lindell - Who? Also, he plays for Buffalo.
3) Joe Nedney - He could be the next Vinateri, but he plays for the Niners so we’ll never know.
4) Justin Medlock - He made one field goal last season.
5) Whoever Miami’s kicker is - He’s Miami’s kicker.

My apologies for being so brief and I can assure you this site will not typically operate this way. The frequency and depth of the posts will be something in between today and the rest of the week. Also, who the hell wants to read paragraphs about the fantasy outlook for kickers?

Back Monday with something other than a list.