Fantasy Football

So I’m blanking on what I should write about today. But let me start off by saying that while I like reading Stewart Mandel’s columns, he’s about two weeks behind me on the “NFL playoffs being the best defense for the BCS” talking point. I imagine in the coming weeks he’s going to write an article detailing what a great movie The Godfather is and how it’s going to someday change the landscape of the film industry.

I kid Mandel, of course. He echoes a great point and unless the NFL is going to go to a best of three format (which would drive me fucking batty) this is kind of an unavoidable situation unless we reward the teams with the best records. Even still, I have no idea what the tiebreakers would be in this hypothetical scenario, but that wouldn’t solve the Cardinals dilemma, only the Chargers. And unless you’re a Panthers/Giants/Eagles fan, who wouldn’t want the Cardinals in the playoffs. You know a point is not worth dwelling on when you can make your case by simply stating “It’s the (fill in name of entity here)” and it proves your point.

No, what we need to resolve is the two week hype machine that the NFL now insists on giving us between the conference title games and the Super Bowl. No one seems to enjoy it set aside a few of the players who bask in all the attention. Though I imagine if you asked Troy Palumalu he would want to play the game the Tuesday after winning the AFC. And to be perfectly honest, I’d rather cater to the Palumalu’s of the world than the Terrell Owens’ (I know he’s not playing in the game, but I’m struggling to come up with someone similar on either of these two teams. Joey Porter is on the Dolphins now).

Why do I pine for the return to the one week layover? Because instead of one week of stories and sub-stories akin to this, in addition to the non-stop speculation to the players’ health status and sentimental sob-stories about everyone of the lineman, we get two weeks of everything we just listed. Its not that none of it is interesting, it’s just that most of it isn’t, and if it was for any other reason than for the NFL to squeeze a few more dollars out of the arrangement, I’d have no qualms with the two week layover. But it isn’t, and it just seems to pinpoint everything we find irritating about the NFL.

As you may recall, to the left was the biggest story to come out of the two week break last year.

I’m not sure when the decision was made to definitively make the two week break standard operating procedure, but I seem to recall it bouncing back and forth for a few years before settling on the two week hiatus about three or four years ago. I guess they figured since it is the biggest stage in American athletics, if anything is going to have an extended break to create artificial buzz it might as well be the Super Bowl. But that’s actually counter-intuitive. Everyone knows when the Super Bowl is taking place whether it’s the week or six months after the conference title games. I’d actually argue that whatever profits they see from the extra week of nefarious headlines, they lose a (admittedly small) portion of their casual fan base.

So here’s my inconsequential solution: Play it the second Friday after the title games. It doesn’t exactly cut the time in half, but is practical for a couple reasons:

1) A Healthy amount of Super Bowl viewers get drunk during the game, but usually limit themselves because they have to work in the morning. Moving it to Friday is beneficial on both ends because A) The consumer doesn’t have to get up for work at 7AM, and B) The consumer consumers more. Supposedly at least a portion of the companies that pay overpriced airtime fees for the privilege of running their marketing department’s best efforts during the game, why not try to compensate by increasing revenue for at least one night with the product you’re hawking? (Obviously I’m referring to beverages, food, things of this nature, not UPS).

As for the actual event issues that would come about from this adjusted schedule, the noteworthy parties and shit that are as much a part of Super Bowl weekend as the actual game (Maxim, Playboy, ESPN, etc.) could be held on either Thursday night (the entire city is going to be put on hold for game day, anyhow) or during the layover week.

2) While it only cuts two days out of the waiting period, it’s generally the two worst days. This would spare us that endless weekend of enhanced and unnecessary non-storylines that we’re indoctrinated with that stem everyone’s best “Look at me! I’m important!” attempt at public attention. On Mike and Mike this morning they were — I kid you not — Talking to Donald Trump about the supposed adverse effects the economy is taking on sports. I didn’t stick around to listen to interview, but the smaller Mike was talking about high end ticket prices being cut in half from $10,000 to $5,000 with the same fervor and concern that Mae Braddock used when worrying about the heat being turned off.

In other words, it was just something they used to fill the airwaves. Hey, the economy is shit, this game lacks a lot of appeal to your bandwagon fans, Barack Obama’s president, lets bring on a fame-whore whose made some money in real-estate to discuss the economy’s indirect toll on the sports world! It’s a perfect way to eat up the two hours (after commercials) we have to be on air for!

I don’t mean to complain/critique/observe so much, and Lord knows I don’t need game analysis around the clock, just give me fluff pieces about Super Bowl dreams being realized if that’s the case. I just ask for less bullshit. That’s all. Cut the bullshit in half (or in this case, just take off about 1/5) and not only will you increase your audience, you’ll be on the receiving end of less petulant bitching that never makes its way to you like this right here.