Fantasy Football

Alright, given our content with how the past week of NFL contests went, it can only mean one thing: That those of you who were having great seasons are now eliminated from your playoffs (assuming you have a playoff). We do not like to be too self-indulgent on this website, so here are five players that gravely disappointed you on Sunday. We do not want to trigger any flashbacks, so if the weekend was particularly difficult for you, it’s best to turn away.

1) Brian Westbrook
Given that they won 30-10, one would assume his stat line has to be askew: 67 total yards and 3 receptions. But no, I watched that game in its entirety and that is accurate. Are The Browns so god awful now that one dimensional offenses like Philly can veer away from that one dimension and still win handily? I’m afraid so. It looks like Westbrook used up all his garbage points in that four touchdown game that slaughtered me on Thanksgiving. So, in other words Westbrook owners, you’re not getting any sympathy from here. As long as the Eagles win, I could give a shit how if I’m devoid of any of their players for fantasy.

It's probably had to believe that this symbolizes the glory days for any entity, but it does for the Browns.

2) Chris Johnson
He should really be in the top spot because he doesn’t have Westbrook’s excuse, his team lost. To an inferior opponent. But since he sort of splits carries we’ll let it slide. What’s worse is that everyone knew it would happen. That’s right, everyone knew a 12-1 team was going to lose to a 6-7 team because…they were on the road? I have no idea. But I do know one thing, his 65 rushing yards and two yards on two receptions didn’t help matters.

3) Larry Fitzgerald
Now that his team has been properly exposed as a fraud, do you think there’s a chance he’ll close out the last two weeks of the season strong? I guess they have to be playing one of the ten worst teams in the NFL at home to expect much out of all the Cardinals. What’s even more mind-boggling is that on the heels of this extraordinary loss to the Vikings, the pro-bowl starters were announced yesterday, and Kurt Warner got the nod at quarterback. As well as Boldin and Fitzgerald at receiver. That’s right, your starting receiving corps. and quarterback for the NFC all come from the same team. Anyhow, I hope that makes you feel better as a Fitzgerald owner after his 5 catches for 52 yards. Him and his counterparts have shammed their way into an all-star game that no one wants to play in. Congrats.

4) Brandon Marshall
Is it too much to ask that a pro-bowl receiver has two games in a row? Can this Denver team not blow a division championship to a team that can at best go 8-8? If Brandon Marshall can’t stem together two games in which he doesn’t disappoint fantasy owners, their is a good chance of it. 5 catches for 48 yards doesn’t get your team into the playoffs in weeks 16 & 17. At this point, we’re actually rooting for the Chargers. We don’t really give a shit either way, but if the Chargers are winning that means Vincent Jackson is probably performing. And much like the Chargers themselves, Jackson is the X-factor on my fantasy team.

5) Jason Witten
What happened? You used to be so dependable and were considered the best tight end in the league with the predictable premature decline of Antonio Gates and Tony Gonzalez (whom never actually declined). Yet you only have one touchdown in your last eight games, and that was the one game you tallied more than six catches. The Giants have a stifling defense, but you’re a tight end. You’re supposed to be the last, safe option when your QB is facing a tenacious pass rush. I guess you were probably blocking and Romo is afraid to throw to you lest Owens gets jealous. But still, 5 catches for 44 yards? It’s amazing you guys won so convincingly.

Honorable mention: Cris Cooley (6 catches, 51 yards, one fumble lost), Tim Hightower (20 rushing yards 20 receiving yards), Anquan Boldin (6 catches, 34 yards, one fumble lost), Eli Manning (2 INT’s, no TD’s), Terrell Owens (3 catches for 38 yards, how the hell did they win this game?), TJ Houshmenzadeh (3 catches for 19 yards)