Fantasy Football

Are you just searching for something to be pissed off about? Well, if this shallow, joke of a presidential election, the sagging economy and international hostility are not enough for you, or if you live in the woods and are unaware of all this, here are five fantasy players who might of turned your beshitted roster into a full blown laughing stock this week.

1) Maurice Jones-Drew
It seems like every week Jones-Drew is making one list or the other, but when you put up barely seven points against the Browns you are guaranteeing yourself a spot here. Given, the Browns defense is noticeably better than last seasons, but when you make me look like an idiot I do not take it lightly. I will impotently put you on this top five and you will never hear about it. Check and mate. But honestly, I do not think there is a more frustrating player to have in a starting lineup. He either breaks off two touchdowns or is held under fifty yards with no scores. Jones-Drew is the NFL equivalent of an It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia episode.

2) Michael Turner
You sort of took us all by surprise by the way you started the season and we always thought that would be short lived. But my God, man. Only 58 yards rushing against the Eagles? What the hell happened? We understand you’re only 5-10″ but you way an unfathomable 244 pounds. It is only one game, but when you can’t even punish the Eagles perennially sorry run defense, we worry you might already be showing your age. Longevity probably isn’t an trait for someone who is packing that much weight into such a short package.

Then again, you could probably burn down the stadium and still leave a better legacy than what they are use to in Atlanta.

3) Reggie Wayne
Yikes. Where the hell were you last night? That was an epic fail, Mr. Wayne. They could have reacquired Brandon Stokely and he would have put up better numbers, at least he would have been under the radar. But more importantly, I want to thank you Mr. Wayne. I had Dallas Clark and my opponent had you in their starting lineup, thank you for failing to get open so frequently that Manning had no choice but to throw to his tight end. Your three catches for 29 yards didn’t exactly compensate for the two touchdowns.

4) Terrell Owens
I think we’re at the point where your performances are so regularly mediocre that you don’t qualify for this list. But even with the surprising win against a sleeping giant in the Bucs, we suspect you are stewing over only getting five catches for 33 yards. It’s like, geez, why can’t Brad Johnson just throw me the ball more? Why is he so stupid? Whatever, I don’t even care. I am giving it two weeks after Tony Romo returns for Owens to threaten Wade Phillips publicly.

5) Ronnie Brown
How the hell did your team manage to be the Bills with you only rushing for 43 yards and no touchdowns? Oh, that’s right Ted Ginn finally lived up to the hype. Or proved the naysayers wrong, which ever your perspective. Normally we wouldn’t put you on here because we have such little respect for your team (despite their surprisingly average record), but 43 yards is awfully low for a guy splitting carries with the dealer from Half Baked.

Back with more later, hopefully before I leave work.