Fantasy Football

This is the time of the week when we officially gripe and lament the poor individual performances of NFL employees, who may or may not have done what was asked of them by their employer but potentially ruined your weekend. Usually when we do this it is just called bitching, but for this post we refer to it as critical observation.

1) Marques Colston
Is there anything about you that doesn’t piss us off? I’ll give you a little leeway given that you are coming off a thumb injury or some such shit, but to announce your return into the starting lineup then to fail to tally a single fucking reception is completely unacceptable. Not only are you the Saints first option at wide receiver, you play for the most pass happy team in the NFL, and you can’t come through with a couple screen passes for 10 yards? How am I suppose to account for that? Tell your coach to teach all of you how to play on the road. Fuck heads.

2) Peyton Manning
Way to make everyone look like an asshole after they proclaimed you to be rejuvenated after your shlacking of the Ravens, asshole. You’re going up against a team in Green Bay, who currently sports a quarterback that not only played at Cal, but is the predecessor to Brett Favre. And he sent you out of town on a rail. We regret drafting you because otherwise we would take glee in the beginning of the end to your career. Instead we have to wait in suspense to see how you will perform next. This week’s opponent: Tennessee. Yeah, we might be acquiring Kyle Orton for week eight.

3) Ronnie Brown
27 yards rushing and one catch for a solitary yard? Did you break your neck or something? Is Ricky Williams a bad influence on you? Dominick Rhodes torched this “vaunted” Ravens defense the week before, and he is an insufficient backup for a once great offense. Now we shudder at the thought of having to ever start you again. Tuberville would show you the door if you were still at Auburn and put up numbers like these, and they only managed three points against Mississippi State. Good job.

4) Greg Jennings
So your team drops 34 on the Colts, and you only manage to be responsible for 5.13 fantasy points of it. Yeah, yeah, the defense returned two interceptions for touchdowns, but that still leaves four scoring drives available that you were basically obsolete for. Is there a reason for your inconsistency this season? Driver isn’t catching shit, that much I can assure you. Quit being so fucking reluctant and assume your rightful position as the number one pass catching option on this young team. Just show some fucking poise for once in your life. I know you played with Brett Favre and all, but he isn’t there anymore. Your erratic behavior should have left with him to New York.

5) Torry Holt
So, your team also drops 34 on the most overhyped team in the NFL, and you amass 3 catches for 51 yards. Some of them were on third down, and that’s great. You think I give a fuck? “Oooh, what a valuable contributor to his team. He really comes through when it matters.” Fuck that. Are you going to really give up your spot as the top playmaker on this team to Donnie Fucking Avery? The guy went to Houston for Christ sakes. I mean, you went to NC State, which is only marginally better. But at least its in a BCS conference, even if said conference should have their BCS rights stripped from them until Miami gets its shit together and can beat Duke convincingly. But still, it was modestly respectable when you were there. And this is what you’ve reduced yourself to? Disgraceful.