Fantasy Football

We are in kind of a hurry this morning, which seems to be a recurring theme with our morning these days. I can guarantee you that we didn’t agree to write this blog if we were under the impression that we would constantly be on the run. Its not like I’m caught up in the rat race, I work as a low-level accountant basically, and still find myself without any free time at work. I feel like Tony Montana right now, in that I don’t live in America to work like a slave. Right after this post, I am starting my drug cartel and anyone who threatens or impedes my progress will soon regret it.

Here are the top five players you were cursing for drafting in the first three rounds in week six…

1) Steven Jackson
Look man, I don’t care how low are expectations were for you, or how vaunted the defense is that you are playing, when you are a top ten pick and your team pulls off the biggest upset of the season, not to mention its first win in what might have otherwise been a winless year, you have to produce more than 11.03 fantasy points if you are a top ten pick. I’m sorry, Steven. I know we’ve been hard on you, but these are just the facts.

2) Eli Manning
With every pundit absurdly pushing the notion that you have surpassed your brother, this subpar performance against what has arguably been the worst defense in the league in recent history was bound to happen. So I guess it isn’t terribly surprising. Especially after your brother tore apart the every other year paper tiger that is the Ravens. But damn, three interceptions to one touchdown convinces us you are still at least occasionally incapable of seeing safeties downfield.

This is what happens when you start costing us future bets, Eli. We post picture of you so drunk you barely resemble a human being anymore.

3) Willis McGahee
We are willing to except the fact that you just simply are not that good, but everyone and their mother had at least you putting up a game against the Colts fairly soft run defense. Where the fuck were you at? Do you think you have security in this league as a running back? Roy Rice is more than happy to take your position, and the Ravens are more than happy to can your ass. You better get your shit together Willis, or that hit in the 2003 Fiesta Bowl will feel like a love tap compared to what the Ravens are capable of. Hey, don’t blame me. blame your joke of a union.

4) Terrell Owens
Alright, this is getting absurd. We can acknowledge that you were used as something of a decoy with all the double coverage the Cardinals underrated defense was probably throwing at you. But to be considered the best receiver in the NFL like you regularly claim that you are, you better produce more than seven fucking fantasy points. Shit, I could draft Brandom Stokely if I wanted that. You were probably the second or third receiver taken in every fantasy draft, and putting up seven fantasy points isn’t helping your cause to drop the label as least sympathetic pro athlete in the history of pro athletes.

5) Dallas Clark
Maybe it was an issue of schematics. Maybe its that NFL rosters hate their tight ends now. Maybe it is the fact that you are coming off an injury that had you sidelined for four weeks. Maybe it is some culmination of the three. Whatever it is, you can’t put up two catches for 17 yards when your team racks up 31 points against a top ten defense and not expect to make this list. You are lucky the league has so much talent, because this is like the NFL equivalent of Dwight Howard only pulling down four rebounds against the Suns. Step up your game, Dallas, or we’ll start referring to you as Houston.

More on the unholy mess that is the Cowboys later.