Fantasy Football

Larry Johnson: So, so get this, I says to her, I says, “I’m gonna kill yo’ boyfriend”, and the look on her face, man…Totally plussed. Totally plussed.

Jamaal Charles: Uh, alright.

Awkward moment of silence

JC: So wait, you threatened to murder her boyfriend?

LJ: Yep. Then the bitch went and got all uppity bout it, so I spit in her face. Watched that shit roll off.

JC: Well, I’m at a loss, frankly.

LJ: Muthafucka, what you mean u at a-

Chan Gailey: Larry: Coach Edwards would like to have a word with you.

LJ: Yeah, in a minute boss.

CG: Gotta be now, Larry.

LJ: God damn, all these punctual motherfuckers, Never givin’ LJ a little notice.Where he be at in the last couple minutes of a close game? (At Charles) I’ll be back, bitch. We’ll be clarifying this shit up sooner rather than later.

Walks to coach Edwards office

LJ: Coach Gailey said you wanted to see me, coach.

Herm Edwards: Come in son. Sit down for a second.

LJ: Something amidst, sir?

HE: What do we play for son?

LJ: (rolls eyes) To win the game, sir.

HE: Exactly. To wiiin The Game. What do we not play for? And if you roll your fucking eyes at me again, I’m going to tear your eyeballs out and fuck the socket.

LJ: Uh, I’m not exactly sure how to answer that, sir.

HE: Well let me help you out with that, Larry. We do not play to hock drunken loogies in some club goers face, and to threaten her douchebag boyfriend! That, I am one thousand percent fucking certain, we do not play for!

LJ: Well yes, sir. But it was, uh, I was caught up in the moment, sir. And, uh, I had been drinking too mu-

HE: You think I give a SHIT! You play in the NFL, why didn’t you just fuck her best friend like a normal person?!

LJ: I, I don’t know what else to say, sir.

HE: Well, you know what this means, right? We have to suspend you.

LJ: (startled) What? coach, no. I have to play. Every down I can.

HE: Hey, asshole. Look around, does this look like Taglibue’s NFL? No, it’s Roger Goodell’s. If we don’t take action you’ll be lucky if you don’t end up in some kind of internment camp.

LJ: I don’t care, coach. Do you have any idea what this is going to do to my reputation on the field?

HE: Yeah, you’ll be exposed as an under-performing fraud who had a season and a half of good carries and nothing else.

LJ: Exactly coach. You can’t let that happen.

HE: Sorry Larry. But this team currently has little to no redeeming qualities. You realize we only have one permanent fixture on fantasy rosters? Well, one after you leave. Tony Gonzalez. And that is only due to the fact that tight ends are god damn worthless this season.

LJ: You can’t allow this to happen. I won’t allow this to happen. You know I’m at Shaun Alexander status if I am away from the field for too long.

HE: Sorry, son. You should have thought about that before you lost your marbles in a bottle of Cristal. Jamaal and Kolby are going to assume the responsibilities at running back.

LJ: This can’t be happening. I’ve been a first round draft pick in fantasy football for four years running now. Even after last season. That’s how much potential I have!

HE: Hey, you’re a running back, dipshit. You want job security in this league? You should have played quarterback. A good one would be even better. You see the trio of fuckheads I’m working with now?

LJ: But coach, I-

HE: Chaan! Can you show Mr Johnson the exit, make sure he gathers his personal belongings before escorting him off the premises. Larry, Good day sir.

LJ: Listen, sir, I think you ha-

HE: I. Said. Good. Day.

CG: Sure, Herm.

HE: What the fuck did you just call me?

CG: Coach. Sure, coach.

HE: That’s what I thought.

Larry Johnson walks back into the locker room, sees Kolby Smith and Jamaal Charles high fiving

LJ: Motherfuckers. You better hope you’re not somebody’s boyfriend! This shit ain’t ova, you hear me? This shit ain’t ova!