Fantasy Football

You guys know me, I don’t like to complain. But the result of yesterday’s fantasy matchup was just a little too much for me to keep my mouth shut. For starters, the three guys I had playing in the Thursday night game racked up 75 points for me, with seven players left to my opponents 8, I felt like I had it in the bag. Well, going into the Panthers-Giants game I was sporting a 40 point lead with Jon Stewart left. In short, the person I’m playing decides to start Derrick Ward and Brandon Jacobs. Ward goes on to reach milestones that we haven’t seen since Jim Brown, and Brandon Jacobs rushes for three touchdowns, only to give one of the more incoherent post-game interviews I’ve seen this side of Lloyd Carr.

Whatever, the guy who beat me hadn’t once scored over 130 points all season, out of nowhere he goes into Monday night with 157, and still has his kicker going. I would just like to point out that Ward and Jacobs have not managed to have simultaneous serviceable, much less great fantasy performances in the same game. My opponent was hedging his bets to what some might say a comical degree and it managed to payoff. Not only did he get over 300 yards of total offense and three touchdowns out of it, he also got a win and a chance to play in the finals. Where the likelihood of such a thing happening again is a virtual impossibility.

There are a couple things I could have done differently, namely switched out my kicker (Neil Rackers) for someone off free agency and played New England’s defense instead of Minnesota’s. But even with Arizona’s tribulations in cold weather, I would have never thought they would look that bad. Ever. So I passed on New England’s defense which is known to give up points and kept Neil Rackers in for the same reason. Not realizing that the Cardinals were basically the aliens from Signs.

Speaking of which, is there an outside shot that Ken Whisenhunt and the Cardinals are putting us on, and losing these games so spectacularly to keep the other five NFC playoff teams on their heels? He had to figure they weren’t getting a bye, so why not just bottom out and lead everyone to believe you’re a pretender going into the playoffs at 8-8? I mean, I would assume it was just the weather (as we’ve gone over before), but they made Tavaris Jackson look playoff ready at home last week. And I am skeptical that anyone is this effected by some frozen water. I know I sort of conceded that they were just a second ago, but I still do not believe it.

Also of interest from that game: Considering Randy Moss has eleven touchdowns on the year and it’s considered under-performing (it’s less than half he had all season), I think it speaks in droves about this New England team and Moss himself. He’s tied for the league lead with Boldin and will break 1,000 yards receiving again next week against Buffalo. In short, he’s still the best receiver in the game, he just can’t have Aaron Brooks, Kerry Collins or Andrew Walter throwing to him. Wait, that’s not even remotely fair. What I meant to say was: he can’t be in a Raiders uniform. I would assume the problems with Raider nation are more systemic than just the plethora of sub-par quarterbacks they’ve had since Rich Gannon retired. No team is that unlucky.

So we're all in agreement? This Never happened, right?

Well, except for the Browns, that is. Right now that entire city is still demanding playoff like performances from their team, and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, Cleveland. But it’s never going to happen. At least not in 2008. Your team hasn’t scored a touchdown in five straight games, before that they pissed away three losses and managed to break all sorts of records while doing so. Right now, this is the only team in the NFL that would be a dog at home against the Lions.

And it’s nothing personal, Browns fans. They just really are not that good. They all seem to be reading from a different playbook, Jerome Harrison and Donte Stallworth do not see the ball nearly enough, not to mention all of your receivers are disgruntled and your coach looks scared shitless every time they pan to him on the sidelines.

But all of that is moot, really. Because you’re not going to be winning games in the NFL with Ken Dorsey as your quarterback. He threw three interceptions, and if you’re wondering what that brings his touchdown-interception ratio to after three games and a quarter, it’s 0/8. I guess the Browns finally decided to put him out of his misery and send Gradkowski in, who managed to add a fourth one to that, making Cinncy’s sporadically feisty defense look like the ‘85 Bears.

Personally — and this is just my opinion — if they wanted to play a quarterback from a north Ohio MAC school, they definitely went with the wrong one. Josh Cribbs has probably thrown the best looking passes the Browns have produced in the past three weeks. He played quarterback at Akron and if nothing else, he can bide his time with scrambling and even gain yards on the ground. That alone makes him a better option that Ken Dorsey.

Oh well, at least they managed to make the other half of the state feel a tad better about the state of their team. If nothing else, Kirk Fitzpatrick seems to have grown into a suitable backup for the 2009 season. And really, that was all the Bengals were going to get out of 2008 anyways. So long as they didn’t go winless and there were signs of improvement, I say this in all seriousness, the Bengals couldn’t have expected much more from the season.

Sure, you could have expected them to prepare themselves better for the inevitable injuries that plague every team these days, but the circumstances being what they are (Carson Palmer out, and aging offensive line and Chad Johnson, no reliable running back), a potential 4-11-1 season isn’t look so bad. Right now they’re one of the better really bad teams in the NFL, on par with the Seahawks. Bang up job, Mr. Brown. With any luck you can draft the next Chris Perry in 2009.

Moving on.

As expected, Detroit was blown out by a Saints team that’s attempting to get their quarterback over 5,000 yards, because if they’re not going to compete for the playoffs, they want to at least showcase that they had the best quarterback in the league for the 2008 season. Anyhow, Detroit has one last ditch effort against a defunct and indifferent Green Bay team next week. I actually consider this must watch television, which should tell you something about how lightly I take the NFL. At least they have an army of draft picks for next season even if it still won’t be enough to right the ship. Then again, maybe I shouldn’t speak so hastily, look at the Dolphins this year.

On a fantasy related note: I take it all back, Marques Colston. I take it all back. I still manage to lose in heartbreaking fashion this week, but by golly for once it wasn’t because I drafted you in the fourth. I don’t want to give you too much credit, all you had to do was put up a decent game against the Lions. But all we ask when it comes to fantasy football is that you refrain from making us look idiotic. Thomas Jones made us look ridiculous in 2007, and made us look even more so this year when we passed on him form (gulp) Kenny Watson. That’s what he gets for putting up Ki-Jana Carter like numbers in 2007, he gets to make me look like a spiteful idiot.

(Back to the Bengals running game for a second: what the fuck happened with Kenny Watson anyways? Is there a reason they benched their leading rusher from last season, after releasing their leading rusher from the previous four seasons other than to feel validated in that horrible Chris Perry draft pick in 2004? Ladies and gentlemen that make up Bengal nation: This is why your team’s running game isn’t any stronger: Spite. Unfortunately for you, they’re running an actual NFL franchise and not a fantasy team).

There was a lot to get to from the past week, in real and fantasy football alike. We’ll try to cover it later today. And if you’re an avid reader of this site, you know that in no way is that going to happen.