Fantasy Football

A hectic morning and a trip to the chiropractor to adjust my fucked up from sitting in a car for 16 hours this weekend back, have pushed back the regular time for our Monday recap. My apologies for that. It must be rough on all of you, when my back is in excruciating pain and you have to wait a couple hours for a shitty blog post about fantasy football as a result. Again, terribly sorry.

Our discomfort personified.

Anyways, now that we’re here, lets retread the format we usually do this in (sprawling nonsensical and deliberately ill-informed opinions about the state of the NFL and fantasy football) and switch something a little more traditional: Things from Sunday that may have pissed you off and things that put a smile on your face. This isn’t everything worth reporting from the week. Nor it will be our last post about it. Also yes, we are aware of the inverted logic here. Just go with it, OK?

Things that pissed you off:

-The continued public humiliation that everyone who drafted Marques Colston has been subjected to for the past eleven weeks. He makes a good show of it last week, catching 7 balls for 140 yards (we saw later that he dropped a touchdown, but that is still an immensely respectable fantasy performance), instigating all owners to plug him into the starting lineup this week. Naturally, he can only find it in his arsenal to produce 3 catches for 30 yards. Christ, he would have done most of us a huge favor if he hadn’t played. But going up against Kansas City and coming off his first good week of the season, the allure was too tempting for a real breakout game. You know, one where he actually gets in the end zone.

-Eagles fans, Westbrook & McNabb owners. You just tied against one of the five worst teams in the entire league because you couldn’t manage so much as a field goal attempt in overtime against a historically bad defense. McNabb, Westbrook & Andy Reid’s play-calling (or play call approving) are a significant reason why. Never the less, I can’t even fathom that Eagles fans actually want Reid fired. That seems crazy to me given the lack of firepower he is given on the offensive side of the ball. Since he has been the head coach there, he has had four players make the pro bowl: Westbrook and McNabb multiple times, Terrell Owens for the first year they had him and Chad Lewis in 1999. That’s it. He’s basically the Jeff Fisher of the NFC and a good chunk of the supposed fan base wants him out. Unreal.

-My advice. God, are you a fucking idiot. If you look at my two posts guessing what would happen this past week, then you would know that the outliers are the guys who actually came through. This is why we try to post any actual advice with a degree of hesitancy. Because while we might have staunch opinions about what may or may not take place, we’re fairly certain that our knowledge of the NFL is about as thorough as the hammer to the knee thing is when testing for cancer. That is, you might want to be a little more investigative and get a second opinion before you conclude anything.

Things That Put A Smile On Your Face:

-The continued emergence of Peyton Manning. I actually know people who cut him earlier in the season. Not traded, outright cut from their roster. Peyton Manning. This really shouldn’t be such a surprise, but everyone associated with the NFL is acting like they never saw this coming. “OMG, I can’t believe arguably the greatest quarterback ever rebounded from a slow start! Whouda thunk it?“. Since week five he has gone for over 200 yards and at least two touchdowns in every game. Well done, people who cut him for Kyle Orton. You just balanced out your already balanced league a little more.

-Anyone in a two quarterback league who started Matt Cassel or Kerry Collins. While you have all the reason to be ecstatic about you foresight and subsequent fortune I have this to say: Fuck off. You are benefiting from a season that excels in mediocrity and spontaneity and rewards the lucky as opposed to the skilled. We hope you enjoyed your week. But we also hope that Vince Young tears Kerry Collins head off and that Matt Cassel is signed to an overpriced contract next season that devastates your favorite team.

-Peyton Hillis. That is, if you actually trusted Denver enough to acquire him and put him in your starting lineup. Unfortunately for any of you who actually did that, we regret to report that Denver recently acquired to supplement their running game with the regularly disappointing league nomad Tatum Bell, most likely because Shanahan fucking loathes people who play fantasy football. Even though his contract would be a fraction of what it currently is without the vested fan interest. Other than that, all we can say is I hope Hillis loads his luggage with iron weights.