This is Why You Never Draft Anyone Who Went To Hofstra
Fuck you, Marques Colston. I didn’t even want you on my fantasy team in the first place, but taking you with the last pick in the fifth round was just too alluring to ignore. How do you respond to this act of charity so your name isn’t lingering around on the draft board like Brady Quinn in 2006? Well, not only do you fuck me with a four point performance for opening week, you neglect to give the proverbial reach around by going to injured reserve for a third of the season.
For six weeks I have to find a replacement for you. Christ, why can’t you just call it quits for the year so I can drop your dead weight off my roster? Everyone knows that the Saints are winning with or without you and you’ll be a shell of your former self when you return. You are the most expendable “stud” receiver in the history of the NFL. Yet you have managed to put up suitable numbers in each of your two years in the league, so we bit. 50th overall and virtually every fantasy board has you ranked higher, in addition to every remaining receiver having issues be it on or off the field. We take a risk against our better judgment.
Oooh, nice job on torching the Lions. You're now in Michael Turner territory.
And you fuck us tremendously. We knew the ball would be spread around too much in New Orleans this year with the acquisition of Jeremy Shockey. David Patten and DeVry Henderson are both serviceable options, not to mention the ascendance of Robert Meachem and Lance Moore. Plus the running backs, namely Reggie Bush who is essentially a receiver as well. Way to prove us right, “stud”.
This isn’t over Colston, and if you don’t surprise us by returning to form immediately after your rehabilitation, that tweaked finger you sporadically had surgery on this week without telling anyone for some inexplicable reason will feel like an ocean breeze, got it? We’re going to be particularly vengeful when The Vikings disembowel Peyton Manning this Sunday.
Fuck head.
September 11th, 2008 at 8:51 am
[...] get a little repetitive. We are either doing half-ass analysis and number crunching, or writing psuedo-funny posts that probably aren’t nearly as funny as we think they are. But with the former our analysis is only so valuable, and with the latter it is basically the same [...]
October 22nd, 2008 at 10:05 am
[...] Marques Colston Is there anything about you that doesn’t piss us off? I’ll give you a little leeway given that you are coming off a thumb injury or some such [...]
December 22nd, 2008 at 10:24 am
[...] a fantasy related note: I take it all back, Marques Colston. I take it all back. I still manage to lose in heartbreaking fashion this week, but by golly for [...]