Fantasy Football

I think it warrants mentioning that I went 10-4-2 against the line in my first week doing this. If you had the rare combination of wealth and stupidity, I could have made you rich last week. If, however, you missed the boat last week and are hoping on the bandwagon this week, you’re most likely destined to end up in a men’s shelter. But me not dolling out advice as to how to use your money is like John Madden not muttering incoherently about Turkey legs on Thanksgiving, so we have to do it regardless.

...And who can blame him?

Despite my optimismI still advise you to find an alternative to the NFL for your sports gambling. I will concede it is generally much easier to pick against the line in the last eight weeks than the first nine. There is too much fluctuation for 70% of the teams in the league nowadays (New Orleans, Atlanta, San Diego, Jacksonville, Cleveland, Arizona, Seattle & Green Bay have all gone the unexpected way) to even pretend to know what you’re doing; especially in the first four weeks of the season. Basically, unless you’re immensely lucky, you’re just throwing money to the house. You might as well donate money to a Clinton campaign. At least they have the nerve to out and out ask you for it.

Anyhow, we’re going to combine our fantasy recommendations along with our picks, because what we did last week was completely illogical. Everyone better hope that we start failing on these picks, because we’re never going to shut the fuck up about it otherwise.

(Home team in caps)

Tennessee -11 DETROIT
Line Pick: Detroit has lost virtually every game by over two touchdowns, and usually they weren’t playing teams that win over 90% of the time. Tennessee is coming off a blistering loss against one of three teams that will rival them for the conference title, look for them to dispose of Detroit quickly and comfortably.

Fantasy Advice: Surprisingly, I’m going to recommend starting LenDale White. I am always reluctant to do this myself, but after his blowup during the Jets game and subsequent apology, look for Jeff Fisher to give him a surplus of carries in a game that doesn’t require a breakout performance from Chris Johnson. Why do I think this will happen? Because for the most part, the Titans are ran by adults both on and off the field. They didn’t toy around with suspending, accepting, signing, cutting Pacman Jones. They drafted him, played him, he got into trouble, they suspended him; he got into trouble while suspended and they traded him to Dallas for ten cents on the dollar. Similarly, LenDale didn’t get any playing time and expressed his dissatisfaction at an inappropriate time, promptly apologized to coach Fisher and his team, now Fisher will probably reciprocate with a healthy workload tomorrow afternoon.

DALLAS -12.5 Seattle
Line Pick: Somehow, someway, Dallas is giving up more against Seattle than Tennessee is against a winless team. They’re at home, maybe? I have no idea. But if Dallas can put down San Fransisco with ease, I don’t see why they couldn’t do the same with Seattle. As much schaudenfreude as I got out of Dallas’ recent failures, I think hanging on to that win against Washington saved their season, and beating the Seahawks by 13 fits into that equation.

Fantasy Advice: Jesus, I have nary a clue as who to recommend amongst the receivers in this game. If you’re feeling desperate or worried about Plaxico Burress playing one down before retiring to the sideline for the requisite 58 minutes, I guess you could plug in either Branch or Engram going up against a still overrated secondary. On Dallas’ side, they’re all viable options but there are no guarantees. Is anyone feeling confident about Roy Williams having a big game, or Owens having two productive games in a row? Won’t Jason Garrett use Owens as a decoy this week just to show Jerry Jones what a genius he is? Not that you wouldn’t play him anyhow, but Barber will have a monstrous game if given 20+ carries.

PHILADELPHIA -3 Arizona
Line Pick: Alright, I was listening to Colin Cowherd at work today, and was absolutely stunned when Trey Wingo and/or Mark Schlereth both picked Philly to win this game. They claimed Arizona (specifically, Kurt Warner) struggles playing in cold weather and that would certainly explain the points they are giving up, but Philly has looked absolutely terrible in the past three weeks. Like, terrible past the point of redemption.
The Eagles are basically playing for not only their season, but the current makeup of their franchise. If they continue to lose like they did against Baltimore, you’re going to see McNabb be released, Reid fired (which we’re not sure we agree with) and a one or two year rebuilding process (potentially longer or shorter depending on who they bring in to coach). If you think they are up to the challenge of diverting all of that, then by all means, pick the team that tied the Bengals to cover three against a 7-4 team. Personally, I have to take the team with the second best offense in the league against a team that looks more and more like the Raiders on the offensive side of the ball, not to mention they gave up 36 points to a rookie quarterback. Take Arizona with the points.

Fantasy Advice: Breaston and Fitzgerald will thrive in this game, as they are both accustom to playing in cold weather (At Pitt and Michigan respectively); and Boldin could rack up 20 fantasy points in Libya or Antarctica. Philly, however, doesn’t offer any real dogs or reliable fantasy players. Pick up Lorenzo Booker and hope that Buckhalter and Westbrook (who are both listed as questionable) end up sitting this one out.

Enjoy the games, back Friday with the rest of these.