Fantasy Football

Our apologies for being so untimely, we had to write this at our late lunch.

It’s time to post our line picks for the upcoming week, and I hate to do it but I told you it would happen. After a strong 10-4-2 start in week 12, we followed up in week 13 with a similar 10-6, bring our record against the lines to 20-10-2 on the season. Or rather, since we’ve been doing this. If it happens again this week and we increase our winning percentage, I think it’s safe to label us a savant for these purposes. Again, you’re welcome.

As far as fantasy advice is concerned, we’re working with a contrasting success rate. That is, our fantasy suggestions would be justification for throwing us into prison, considering hosting a website on fantasy football is supposed to suggest we might be an authority on the subject.

Onto the lines/fantasy advice. Home team in caps.

SAN DIEGO -9.5 Oakland
Line Pick: Well fuck me. I didn’t even realize there was another shitty Thursday night game tonight until just now. See, that’s why we do this. So we actually give a shit about the NFL Tuesday-Saturday. Anyhow, I’d probably take Oakland here. The Charger defense is wretched and Oakland’s is good enough to keep it within a score. I hate doing this because it puts a modicum of faith in JaMarcus Russell or whoever Cable plugs in at quarterback to accomplish anything. I can’t wait to read later tonight that Oakland lost by ten.

Fantasy Advice: No one on the Raiders unless we have a clear cut picture on who’s getting the majority of the carries in their backfield. San Diego should produce good games from any speculative number of wide outs, and Tomlinson is capable of delivering. But putting faith in San Diego to live up to expectations is obviously a futile enterprise. In short, I have no fucking idea. Start who you normally would and bench Vincent Jackson if you think he isn’t due for a good game.

CHICAGO -6.5 Jacksonville
Line Pick: Well, both teams suffered disappointing losses last week, but Chicago is still contending for the playoffs. That, combined with the home field advantage and Jacksonville’s banged up offensive line, I think is enough to lay the points with the Bears. Still, I take this line with a lot of trepidation.

Fantasy Advice: If last week is any indication, Kyle Orton and Matt Forte are going to light this defense up. You could say the same thing about David Gerrard but I have no idea who he’d throw to and Jones-Drew is amazingly sporadic with his exceptional play. You have to start him, but it feels like a week to week ordeal. Not once have I felt confident about a Jones-Drew game. yet he averages over 16 points a week and I’ve started every week he hasn’t had a bye.

Minnesota (no line) DETROIT
Line Pick: When I say “no line”, it means for the life of me I can’t find one anywhere. And that is understandable. With both Kevin and Pat Williams suspended for four games as a result of the steroid scandal no one recalls or gives a shit about, Vegas probably needs a couple extra days to recalibrate their stance. I can understand their trepidation. Much of Minnesota’s success hinges on their pass rush. When you remove two potential pro-bowlers from it, well, it becomes conceivable that they could lose to a 0-12 team on the road. If the line is over ten we say take Detroit, under stick with the Vikings and realize that if you’re picking the Lions to outright lose this game, you’re picking them to go 0-16, which I think is a fitting conclusion to the Matt Millen era. Hey, remember when they were 6-2 last season and everyone though they’d make the playoffs? Man, that was a wild two months.

Fantasy Advice: I still like Peterson and Taylor to come through with some good numbers. Calvin Johnson should have a monster day with the crippled front seven from the Vikes, depending on just how crippled you consider them to be, Kevin Smith and Shaun McDonald might prove to be viable options as well.

GREEN Bay -5.5 Houston
Line Pick: Hmm, a dome team going up to Green Bay in December, that always works out well. Even though Houston covered handily, I have no idea why they are getting relatively generous lines. They are 5-7 right? I’ll take the Pack to win by a couple scores.

Fantasy Advice: Donald Driver, Donald Lee, Kevin Walter, Steve Slaton, Ryan Grant & Aaron Rodgers should all come through for their owners. I also like Green Bay’s defense to rack up some points. They have an uncanny ability to make mediocre quarterbacks look like Akili Smith.

TENNESSEE -13.5 Cleveland
Line Pick: Unless you like Ken Dorsey going up against one of the two best defenses in the league on the road, I’d lay the points.

Fantasy Advice: Chirs Johnson & LenDale White should tally up some yards. I actually like Justin Gage to come through with a serviceable performance. As for Cleveland…if Lucifer hasn’t sucked whatever dexterity was left in Braylon Edwards I don’t know if we’ll be able to tell, because I just can’t see Ken Dorsey getting him the ball on a consistent basis. In other words, the passing game will be shit, and as a result the running game will be shit. I wouldn’t start any Browns unless you feel differently about Dorsey, and then you can only justify the tight end (Winslow or Heiden) or Edwards.

INDIANAPOLIS -13.5 Cincinnati
Line Pick: Tough week for the NFL in Ohio, but when isn’t it? Hahaha. But seriously, I’d take the Colts, who’ve struggled to cover lately but at least it was on the road. In the safe haven of that state of the art ice skating rink they play in, Manning should be able to redeem himself from last week in Cleveland. Either way, the Colts are fucked in the playoffs if they’re struggling that much on the road against the Browns. If they have to go to New England, New York, Denver or Baltimore, cold weather teams with functioning offenses, it will be lambs to the slaughter. In short, some things never change and Manning will never look comfortable with a millimeter of snow on the ground. Honestly, the aliens in Signs reacted more professionally to the site of water than Manning does to snow.

Fantasy Advice: Manning, Dallas Clark and Addai should all run rough shot over Marvin Lewis’ improved from 2007 but still terrible defense.

A reference to the only good Shyamalan film? I guess.

NEW ORLEANS -3 Atlanta
Line Pick: Even though both Carolina and Atlanta disproved our “NFC South sucks balls on the road” theory, the records are still really, really disproportionate. Not to mention both Carolina and San Diego we’re still playing inferior opponents, even if they were impressive wins. But of the four in the division, The Saints have the biggest disparity in road vs. home performances. I like New Orleans to cover and make a late season push to attempt to win this division. They’ll need a lot of assistance (divisional opponent losses), but it isn’t beyond comprehension. I don’t think anyone is looking at the Panthers or Bucs and thinking these teams are full-proof.

Fantasy Advice: Any Saint receiver you can get your hands on. With Deuce McAllister out Pierre Thomas should be indispensable. On the Falcons side I like Turner, Wade and Jenkins to put up some points.

NEW YORK GIANTS -7 Philadelphia
Line Pick: I know the Eagles looked impressive against the Cardinals and I know they always play the Giants harder than anyone else in the league, but I’m not betting against this Giants team until they give me reason too. I would be lying if I said I didn’t have a looming sense of a 3-interception day from Manning, but I am going with the favorite. Also, lets be honest, I think everyone’s concerns about Warner in cold weather were validated last week.

Fantasy Advice: Jacobs/Ward, Toomer, Hixon and Boss will all have respectable performances, while I wouldn’t know where to start with Philly. Is LJ Smith still playing? Go with him if he is. I could see DeSean Jackson breaking off a large touchdown on Sunday, but it hinges on McNabb getting enough time in the pocket to get it to him.

4PM games through Monday later tonight.